Smite Me: A Torah Podcast

This week, the boys finish the Book of Joshua with Ethan Black standing in for Josh. They chat about the conclusion of conquering the land of Canaan, the legacy of Joshua and how nobody seems to really want to bother with pulling esoteric meaning out of a text as dry as the book of Joshua.

The boys come together for a lightly historical conversation about the origins of antisemitism in the Ancient world. Assyrians, Babylonians and Romans oh my!

The boys continue to chug their way through the book of Joshua, and this time enlist the help of comedian Jon Moscowitz. They discuss the original Jewish Sleepaway camp, Clint Eastwood's term as a mayor and how sometimes even the most earnest of biblical scholars can't escape the bible being very literal.

Josh and Jon come together to watch an Adam Sandler movie while Ayani is out of the country. They talk the politics of and production of Uncut Gems, how much they genuinely enjoy the film and also concede it technically isn't an Adam Sandler Film and it's just good casting. 

This week, the boys talk shop about about podcast alumnus Norm Finkelstein and share their remorse over the death of comedian Gallagher against the backdrop of Joshua and the Israelites continuing to massacre their way through the land of Canaan. 

Hot off of finishing the 5 Books of Moses, the boys meet for a rare in-person episode and crack into the book of Joshua. Moses is gone now but the conquering and empire building continues. Plus, jut a skosh of Kanye talk and a discussion antisemitic conspiracy theories in general. 

Comedian Charlie Sosnick joins us to talk about Jewish Revege, a silly Israeli C-Movie about spies hunting Nazis in Ukraine. Charlie also introduces us to the Cain and Abel blood feud between the East Coast's premier bar mitzvah DJs, who are also brothers. 

They-don't ask me who-said it couldn't be done. Smite me fav Ethan Black is back as we read the final section of the Torah. We'll never get back this time back, but at least we didn't learn anything. 

The Smite Me boys have some questions Catholicism which get answered by our friend Angie. We talk about her life growing up Catholic and what that means for her today. We also get a long and creative list of threats from our boy God. 

The History of Birthright. A deep cut Trump video. a casino billionaire who looks like he's from 'Monsters Inc.' An episode as rich as Les Wexner's Ass. 

Smite Me fav Geneva Rust-Orta is back to discuss one of the Torah's most goblin mode lists of rules. We cover how the Jews solved Rural murder, built cities for murderers and the deeply yucky biblical views on consent and gender identity that were probably progressive 3,000 years ago. 

It's a mail bag episode! The boy's answer your question you sent in and return to some favorite topics! 

God calls the Jews out for being failsons. The Torah flirts with its own fucked up version of economic equality and Jon pitches us on a vital new nonprofit billboard venture, 

The fellas watch the classic 1981 flick 'The Chosen' about the bromance of Jewish-American assimilation and college students casually gun-running for settler-colonial paramilitaries. 

It's the final book of the Big 5 and God is three rosés deep, trying to convince the Israelites that, actually, it's been great between them the whole time. Also, Manslayer cities.

The boys finally finish the Book of Numbers and, boy, is it numerical! In these chapters, the Israelites kill more of their enemies than they ever have before, and its hard not to be a little proud. Plus, we say bon voyage to Jon as he makes Aliyah to New York to track down Norman Finkelstein. 

Comedian Aviva Siegel is back on the pod to talk about the lingering uncle of the Abrahamic religous family: Jews For Jesus. We talk about proselytization, Godly denim merch, and the limits of using cold brew coffee to convert people. 

The lads dive into the history of Birobidzhan, Russia's rarely mentioned Jewish autonomous region. It's a strange little place that's been around longer than Israel, with a history that is extra utopian and despressing even by Russian standards-and that's sayingr something.

This week, we're back on our TorahBoys mentality with the story of Balak Balaam, a donkey abuser/wizard who tries to curse the Jews but can only utter deeply out of pocket death threats against their enemies. Plus Ayani drops the song of summer. 

This week, the boys dust off the DVD player to rewatch "The Hebrew Hammer" (2003) , a truly cursed attempt to make a Jewish Blacksploitation flick about a badass private eye saving Hanukkah. Shabbat Shalom, motherfuckers. 

Remember the Torah? We used to read that. The boys are back in Bible mode this week, in a chapter where God unleashes his inner Sigma Male and flames not one, not two, but ~three~ of the top protagonists of this little Jewventure we've been reading. Also: cow medicine. 

This week we discuss early 20th century anarchist thinker, OG cancel culture victim, and reluctant Jew Emma Goldman. Her ideas about economic, social, religious and sexual empowerment were so spicy she was literally thrown out of the country! So naturally, we never learned about her in Hebrew school. 

Comedian and former pastor Steve Hernandez joins us to discuss the story of Korach, the guyt who tries to start a rebellion against Moses and instead gets swallowed by the earth. We also talk about the difference between old testament God (mean and vengeful) and new testament God (kind and loving), and Steve makes his case for why nobody ever needs to read this book again. 

Check out Steve's podcast, 'Read the Bible with Me with Steve Hernandez

This week, the boys un-memory hole the 2008 Adam Sandler film "You Don't Mess with the Zohan," where the Sandman plays an IDF super soldier who dreams of giving bad haircuts in America and accidentally fixes the Israel-Palestine conflict via small business ownership. We talk about the film's wild politics, what happens when comedians try and have it both ways, and Rob Schneider, the ultimate racial utility card. 

Comedian Ian Levy joins the lads to talk about the only Jew in Scotland (his father), the Tin Tin book so racist it's only published in France, and the Torah story of how God nearly kills all the Jews (again) because they got scared of the brolic natives of the Promised Land. Plus, more Jews in the News and the return of God's Horny Little Giants. 

This week, we chose to skip reading the Torah (lmao boring) and instead dive into the life of Norman Finkelstein. Stormin' Norm AKA the Footnote Sniper AKA The Left's Favorite Accidental Holocaust Denier is a prominent Jewish-American academic who has made some good points and a ton of enemies with his righteous old guy takes on Israel, Palestine, the Holocaust, psuedohistory and academic freedom. He also has one of the most unlistenably grating voices in history, but maybe that's his super power? 

Minneapolis comedian Max Hornstein joins the boys to dive deeper into the Book of Numbers. We start with a horrific witch-hunt style ceremony that men are supposed to do if they suspect their wife of infidelity and end with God fighting racism for all the wrong reasons. 

Not that we don't looooooooove every glorious moment of hundreds of straight pages of Torah rules, but we were in the mood for something different this week. We called up our friend Milly Pinkos, of the 'But Would You Kiss' podcast, to answer the question on none of your minds: would you smooch comedian/leather-faced Jewish lebprechaun Billy Crystal?  Before we issue our final ruling, we consider his dumb opinions, his sneaky sex appeal for one from of "When Harry Met Sally" and his extremely ill-advised takes on Race Stuff and Cancel Culture.

This week, the boys begin the book of Numbers and talk about the Israelites fake little census, class in the Torah, religious Ponzi schemes, 'The Da Vinci' and a pun so unimpeachably funny it has been kept in a government vault-until now. 

Can't say we enjoyed either the journey or the  destination, but with this last portion, we are finally done with  Leviticus. The boys discuss jubilee, the Torah’s (half-assed) version of  reparations, God becoming sexually aroused by threatening to punish the  Israelites, and how Jon committed an all-time Airbnb crime involved a  carrot nub and a locked door.

Comedian and self-proclaimed Most Jewish 'Smite Me' guest Geulah Finman joins us to talk about growing up Orthodox in Detroit, wierd rabbinical sex talks, the Torah's very explicit ableism, and talk cheat codes to make the Good Book less homophobic. 

Jon and Ayani are joined by old camp friend and Phoenix comedian Ben Kaufman! we start with a deep dive on JewBelong.com, a deranged marketing student's attempt to sum up the entire Jewish tradition with a single website. Then we jump into the Torah portion, which outlines how Yom Kippur is actually supposed to involve channeling the whole community's sins into one demon goat named Azazel and then sending it off a cliff. 

The Torah once again enters Full Freak Mode this week, describing in great detail all the wild rules and treatments they thought necessary for people with leprosy, skin lesions, and the worst ailment of all in biblical times: being a woman. Plus we get into Josh's weird family connection to Kanye and why you should never, EVER talk to Ayani while he is doing yard work for his grandparents. 

Santa Cruz comedian DNA joins us to talk about God smiting Aaron's sons for getting a little too creative with their incense offering, and the mystery of what's inside the ark that they take everywhere they go. Then we get into the rules for keeping kosher and how Josh may or may not have watched his elementary school teacher put their hand through a live cow like a magic trick. 

Friend of the pod Aaron Lerner joins us as we bless the microphone with factual diamonds about: the origins of keeping kosher, the Torah's 1 million rules about animal sacrifice, Madonna's Kabbalah phase, dumby Israel whataboutism, and why Jews past and present really fuck with Hawks. 

Not since God x The Chosen People has there been a more iconic/problematic collab. The certified Big Brain Boys™ from Best Adapted Podcast enter the Audio Ark this week to talk Exodus cinema, including 'The Ten Commandments' (1956, good) and 'Exodus: Gods and Kings' (2014, bad).

They boys recap their top moments from Exodus and discuss how the underlying theme of "other cultures are bad and you should conquer them" may have had some long lasting consequences. 

This week, comedian Ben Wasserman brings a LIL MICROPHONE and BIG OPINIONS on the Golden Calf story; the day the Israelites forgot about the whole Judaism thing and 4Loko for a statue of a cow but maybe had fun for the first time? Plus, the good book once again reiterates its commitment to thinking multiculturalism is bad. Great stuff all around. 

The portions this week are kind of boring and sparse, so the boys mostly talk about Joseph Kony, smoking Doinks in Costa Rica, and All Time Smitable Deeds. 

Comedian Orion Levine joins us to discuss the portion "Mishpatim," a big list of rules that didn't quite make it into the ten commandments. We start with a bunch of rules about slavery and how its still allowed as long as you do it "The Correct Way," and move on to the protocol for when your oxen start misbehaving. 

Geneva Rust-Orta, The Only Jewish Comedian™, joins the boys to talk about the 10 Commandments, Moses Boundary Issues and why God's performance style is equal parts Michael Bay and Kim Jong-il

Comedian and nice man Matt Lieb (FilmDrunk Frotcast, Pod Yourself A Gun Podcast) joins the boys to discuss two of the biggest moments in Jewish history: the parting of the Red Sea to Free the Jews and Josh's 2008 Bar Mitzvah speech about MLK and "Caucasians." Plus, Ayani's Ancient Israelian Corner returns.

Comedian Aviva Siegel, Host of the Talkies comedy show and Ad Wizards podcast, joins us to talk about Survivor, the theme of her Bat Mitzvah, and also the theme of this weeks portion. God continues to shock and awe the Jews-and goes full sicko mode on the Egyptians-in hopes of founding a new religion via trauma-bonding or something. Also Pharoahs heart gets so, so hard. Like crazy hard. 

Find Aviva Siegel at: https://twitter.com/livinlavivaloca

Talkies: https://twitter.com/talkiescomedy

Ad Wizards: https://twitter.com/adwizardspod

Welcome to Season 2 of Smite Me, where we'll read Exodus, the most prestige TV book of Torah. This week, we've got a Certified Classic™️, including the birth of Moses, the burning bush, some goofy magic tricks, and a Jew doing something good for once and KO-ing an Egyptian slavedriver. Oh yeah, and God responds to genocide against the Jews by planning a genocide ~on behalf~ of the Jews.

Think the Torah is ass? Just wait until you see the movies based on it. This week, the boys watch three Old Testament flicks that you probably never heard about for good reason: "Noah" (2014) where you see Russel Crowe's bare butt after the flod; "Joseph: King of Dreams" (2000), a second-rate cartoon musical with creepily emotive sheep; and "Sodom and Gomorrah - The Last Seven Days" (1975) a vintage porn involving ancient Israelians. 

Put on your tuxedo and pretend your wife is your sister, because it's time for the 5781st Genesis Awards! We fall in love all over again with the book that started it all, with categories like: Best Racism, Worst Lesson, and Biggest Whoopsie-Poopsie. The only real losers are us, because we had to read this thing in full. 

Joseph finally decides to end the psyop against his brothers and reveal  his true identity. Once everybody is done crying and touching each  other's necks, Joseph invites them and the rest of the family to come  live in Egypt. Then, Joseph invents a new type of serfdom for all the  starving Egyptians and they weirdly love him for it and chant his name  because the Torah said, "Fuck worker's rights." Plus, an Israeli  intelligence agent claims to have communicated with Aliens(!), and Rashi  is once again refreshingly sex positive?

"Begat Begat Begat" jingle by Tadeh Kennedy, @Tadeh.Agmook on Instagram

A classic rags-to-riches tale: Joseph goes from prisoner to Pharoah Jr. because he is apparently the Muhammad Ali of interpreting dreams. A famine strikes, and Pharoah makes Joseph Chief Grain Daddy, a position he uses to repeatedly hoodwink his long-lost brothers who show up looking for food. 

This week, our camp friend Ethan joined us to talk about Joseph, God's magic special little dreamer boy. Joseph runs his mouth, gets thrown into a pit by his brothers, is sold into slavery and then lands his ass in Egyptian jail. We also get a little vignette about God killing Judah's son Onan for "spilling his seed", which leads to a conversation about Judaism's anti-masturbatory laws, and culminates in a very spicy Rabbinic interpretation involving bread.