Social Skills Unscripted

I really love learning new things, especially when those things help me figure out more about myself. I had no idea that was going to be the case when I scheduled an interview with this week's guest, Niki McGlynn.

The more Niki talked about her work with primitive reflexes, the more I realized she was describing so many of the things that are a challenge for me physically. From my over-the-top startle reflex to my inability to look behind me while cycling without crashing, Niki had an explanation (and, more importantly, a solution) for it all.

In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, Niki and I are going deep into the topic of primitive reflexes. What are they, how does their inability to integrate affect how we think, feel, and operate in the world, and what can be done for people like me who apparently are very dis-integrated?

Here's a clip from the episode:

Steph: I can think about a physical activity and I can know that I can't do it. I can't jump. I can't jump! I don't understand the process that allows people to jump. And so if I just stand straight, I get, like, very little clearance off the ground. I would never try to run and jump over an object. Never. I don't understand the mechanics of jumping. 

Niki: This is why... this is why I love reflex integration. Because... because if we could integrate your reflexes, you'd be able to do that. And it sounds like a tiny thing but when you can't do something that everybody else can do, it's really frustrating because you go, 'well, what's wrong with me?' Why is it... you know, I mean, and this is a typical story I think of ... of adult diagnosis of ADHD and autism and dyslexia and everything is you spend your whole life going, 'Well, what's wrong with me? Why can everybody else do it and I can't do it? You know, clearly, I'm a weirdo.' But actually no, it's just that actually, you've got a neurodevelopmental issue. And integrating reflexes can help.

Where to find Niki:

Niki McGlynn

www.organisedmind.co.uk

The number one reason parents register their kids for either the group program here at Starfish Social Club or my 1/1 support is because they recognize their child doesn't have friends. This can be a very emotional and pivotal point for parents.

But you know what event may be even more important? When kids recognize this for themselves. When our kids first start to realize they don't have anyone to play with. Or that other kids avoid them. Or that no one ever asks for their number or invites them places.

This time in the lives of our kids is important for two reasons: It means our kiddos are developing their senses of self- and social awareness, and it also means they are more likely to be open and receptive to strategies and solutions.

In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing my strategies and suggestions for what to do when your kid doesn't have friends. More specifically, those moments when they start to recognize that this is the case.

Here's a clip from the episode:

Usually this is triggered by an incident. And even if we think about us in our lives, usually behavior change is triggered by an incident. There's usually not just a time where we're sitting on the couch and just decide we're going to start doing something differently.

For our kiddos when it comes to relationships, it could be triggered by recognizing that they weren't invited to something. It could be triggered by doing what they feel like will help them make friends, and recognizing that it's making things worse. It could be triggered by just an awkward social encounter where they realize they're really struggling with relating to other kids or other teenagers. Usually, there's something that happens. Sometimes it's our kids getting in trouble for something they've said or done. It's usually triggered by something that has happened, that has caused them to really recognize that they're struggling socially. 

My main goal here at Starfish Social Club is helping kids learn the skills and strategies that make it easier for them to make friends. While we all notice when our kids are struggling socially, I don't think we always realize how much it can impact the quality of their lives. 

I came across this quote last week:

"As a culture, we could improve our national happiness levels by making sure people focus most on what is primary - marriage and intimate relationships - and not on what is important but secondary - their careers." - David Brooks, in an email from The New York Times on Feb. 19, 2024.

And I am familiar with the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the longest running study of human life in history, which determined: 

"Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes. That finding proved true across the board among both the Harvard men and the inner-city participants."

In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm talking about the 8 weeks that make up Module 4 of the program at Starfish Social Club, the Connection Module. This is what I teach live via Zoom each week to the students in the program here at Starfish from March to May. In this module, we focus on all types of relationships, from acquaintances to friends to people we are on a team with to our families to partnerships.

This module can be challenging for some kids who aren't ready to admit they don't have friends, or who say they don't care.

Here's a clip from the episode:

 There are so many situations in life where we put time and effort and energy, sometimes money, toward things and we don't get what we're trying to get. And it's easier to just tell ourselves and to tell other people that we don't care than it is to acknowledge that we really care and we just don't know how to make it happen.

This is what I notice when kids say they don't care about having friends. That it's not important to them. Even kiddos that I work with that have minimal verbal skills, even kiddos who tend to seem like they are put off by other people, seek connections and seek relationships. I've never had a student at Starfish, I'm on year eight now, never had a student that, after doing some work in the program, did not start to gravitate toward other kids and did not start to engage with other kids and try to communicate with other kids. We just get tired of things not working out and not knowing what to do any differently.

When I was little, the situation that was most likely to cause me to melt down was having to wear shoes. I HATED wearing shoes. I spent a lot of my childhood in Jellies. (If you don't remember Jellies, they were my generation's version of Crocs.)  

One of the big challenges with the things that bother/upset/stress out our kids is that we can't always figure out what is happening. It could be smells. Or sounds. Or lights. Or vibrations. It's very difficult to prevent triggers that we aren't even aware of, and it can be just as difficult for our kids to understand what they are experiencing and how to avoid it.

This week's podcast/YouTube episode is all about sensory processing. It's a common term in the neurodivergent world, but it's often poorly understood. My guest is Hanna Munro, an occupational therapist who has both professional and personal experience supporting kids with sensory processing challenges.

Here's a clip from the episode:

It's often, like you say, it's not that you turn it on and it's immediately horrible and you have to turn it off, it's that cumulative effect. They maybe don't realize. So they can't go home and say to their parents, "All the lights in class, they're causing me sensory overload." They don't say that. They don't even know that. It's just all day long, adding to, you know... and then that's when you have one of these meltdowns when you get home. It's actually the background sound, the light, all these things build up. And then there's also people... we're often taught, aren't we, about five senses. And I don't know why because there isn't five senses, there's at least eight senses. And the ones that we're missed out being taught are the really, really important ones.

How to find Hanna:

FB: Hanna Munro, Occupational Therapy

YouTube: Hanna Munro

 Have you ever thought about how much your ability to communicate shapes your life?

This has been on my mind a lot recently. From moving to a place where I don't know anyone to traveling to countries where English isn't the native language, I've become very aware of how my ability to both communicate information and to have social conversations is vitally important to my safety, my relationships, and my emotional wellbeing. 

This week's podcast/YouTube episode is all about the third module in the program here at Starfish Social Club. It's called 'Connection', and it's the module I teach live from January to March. This module teaches our students how to do all the things related to conversations: initiating, joining, maintaining, changing the topic, leaving, even how to use our social filter and practice the social fake. 

Here's a clip from the episode:

Week one is where we work on joining a group conversation. This is a conversation that other people started, and we decide we want to join. This is pretty difficult for a lot of our kids, number one because they don't know what to say. Number two, sometimes our kids have been given strategies and suggestions for joining a conversation that are actually counterproductive. Like being told, "Just go introduce yourself." Like being told, "Well, go ask them what they're talking about." Please do not teach your child either one of those strategies. Those both actually make things more awkward. So joining a conversation, the other thing that, that I recognize is that when kids think about joining a conversation, they often are focused on who is in that group, as opposed to what they're talking about. So that's one of the big things I teach in this week is: focus on what the group is talking about, regardless of who's in the group.

I am often part of conversations about the need to parent and teach our nontraditional kids in nontraditional ways. Sometimes I'm even leading these discussions. Usually this has to do with the way we utilize incentives, consequences, resources, accommodations, teaching strategies, etc. 

One way we can parent and teach differently that I feel is often overlooked has to do with the paths we allow our kids to take as they move from teen to adult. Even though we know our kids think and learn and navigate the world differently, we still may not be aware of (or accepting of) options that allow them to move through the world along a nontraditional path.

In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm talking with social trades coach Daniel Snead about how our kids can leverage their social skills to earn a living. One of the things we talk about is how not all our kids are going to go to college, not all our kids WANT to go to college, and not all our kids will have careers waiting for them just because they do go to college.

Here's a clip from the episode:

Soft skills and social trades are not the same thing. And so what I hear a lot is parents will say, 'Oh, my kid's so social, you know, they talk to everyone, they're the life of a party, social butterfly.' And I'm like, 'That's great mom.' But can they take.. Do they know and understand how to leverage that social skill? And can they turn that into opportunity? Yeah. Can they turn it into money? Can they turn it into provision, right? And again, it's not all about money. But money's pretty important. And so will soft skills enable you and help you to do social trades? Yes, they will. But I look at it like this, right? Soft skills are ingredients. You know, you have your, you know, empathy, you have your basic kind of communication, you have your manners, you have your ability to work in a team. And then there's more soft skills, a bunch of them on the list, right? Your soft skills are ingredients. Social trades is the ability to cook. So your kid may have a bunch of ingredients, which I love that, you know, like, I mean, when I was a kid I was polite to people. I was nice. I was agreeable. You could talk to me. But my first business failed because I did not know how to ask for a sale.

On a personal note: When I finished my first year in college, I wanted to take a year off and figure out what I really wanted to do with my life. That was absolutely not an option in my family and me voicing my desire to do so caused a lot of turmoil.

I am now one of those people with a college degree that led nowhere unless I wanted to keep collecting degrees. I ended up with 3 degrees, a LOT of student loan debt, and NO idea how to run a business when I chose to transition to this path. 

I am not against the college path. I am against kids being pushed into a model that may not help them get where they are trying to go, and I'm all for alternative options and opportunities!

Where to find Daniel:

Youtube: Best Bet Skills Academy

Social Media: BestBetDan

The number one concern I hear from parents is that their child or teen or young adult doesn't have friends. That is by far the primary reason parents enroll their kiddos in my program.

The second most common observation parents share with me is that their kiddo doesn't get social clues and cues. They are socially naive, confused, overwhelmed or frustrated.

In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing all the things I teach in the second module of my program here at Starfish Social Club. This module is called 'Awareness', and it focuses on helping students not only build their awareness of the social world, but also learn what to do with the information they are noticing.  

Here's a clip from the episode:

One of the big concerns that people have about kiddos with social learning challenges is that they don't pick up on social clues or cues. They don't recognize them. And I have found, and I believe, that that's not always what's happening. I find that my kids do recognize social clues and cues, but they don't know what to do with that information. So if I asked students, you know, 'What are some signs that somebody's not interested in what you're talking about?' Or, 'What are some signs that you've said something that somebody else doesn't like, or that you're bothering somebody else?' Most of the time the kids are aware of that. They know what the clues and cues are. Where they get stuck sometimes is knowing what to do when that happens. And I think it's because when we make a plan to do something or to talk about something and it doesn't work out the way we expected it to, we don't always know what else to do. So I call this making a plan B. This is what I thought was going to happen and I don't know what else to do. 

On a personal note: I often overemphasize social cues when I'm working with my students, especially when they are first learning. This helps things be more obvious to them. It's one of the reasons our kids tend to like animated movies and shows so much; everything is overemphasized. They don't have to try to figure out how someone is feeling when that character's eyes are bugging out of their head and their jaw is hanging open!

I often struggle to describe exactly what I teach to the students in the program here at Starfish. Partly because my ADHD brain has a hard time translating my thoughts into words sometimes, and partly because there is just SO much that goes on here!

I usually use the term 'social skills' to describe what students learn, but really I only use that term because it's what people know and recognize. We also work on:

• life skills
• problem-solving skills
• communication strategies
• self-advocacy
• emotional regulation
• conflict resolution
• decision-making
• relationship building.

Yeah, it's a lot!

Over the next couple of months, I'm using my solo podcast/YouTube episodes to dive deep into each one of the four modules that make up the program here, called SC3 Academy. 'SC3' stands for socially competent, confident, and connected.

In this week's episode, I'm breaking down the 8 weeks of our module called 'Identity'. This is the content I teach live in the groups in August through October, and I consider it to be the foundation of the program.

Here's a clip from the episode:

Because of this, our kiddos very, very rarely get helpful social feedback. So if all that's happening is, you know, every time it's recess time the other kids run away from you, or you know, the other kids keep telling you that you're annoying but you don't know why, how can you possibly create a different outcome for yourself? How can you possibly start to make friends and have conversations with kids when you don't know why the kids are running away from you? Or you don't know why they're calling you annoying? Or you don't know why everybody stops talking when you walk up to the group in the hallway? This is one of my biggest soapboxes if you will about social is everybody in the world deserves to have helpful social feedback. And so lesson seven, week seven, I teach our students how to give each other helpful social feedback.  

On a personal note: I moved out of Texas a few months ago, and it is currently 2F/-17C and snowing in my new home! My kitty and I are holed up inside because I'm not even pretending like I know how to drive in the ice and snow! Wishing everyone in the US a safe week as most of us are experiencing the chill right now!

I'll see you again next week, and I'm glad you are here!

Welcome back!

While it's not fun to talk about depression and anxiety, I feel like it's definitely necessary.  

I looked at research regarding anxiety and depression amongst kids with autism and ADHD. The statistics were all over the place, but the bottom line is that everything I saw and read backed up the fact that autistic and ADHD kids are significantly more likely to struggle with these disorders than neurotypical kids.

In this episode I talk about not only what depression and anxiety look and feel like (I used to struggle significantly with both), I also share my top strategies and suggestions for each.

Here's a clip from the episode:

There's so much stress around November and December. It's kind of counterintuitive, but you think about, for adults, the stress around making plans: Where are you going? What are you going to do? You know, sometimes there's stress around family dynamics. There could be stress around if your kiddo's currently in a difficult phase of their life, you could feel stressed out about what might happen at Thanksgiving dinner. What are they going to say? What are they going to do? How's everybody else going to react to them? If you're traveling, that's just always a little bit stressful in itself. There could be financial stress, as we come into the gift giving season, there can be financial stress there. Kids are off from school a lot during this time. The time during Thanksgiving, some of us have a whole week off at Thanksgiving, a couple of weeks at Christmas... There's a lot of downtime for our kiddos, the weather is colder, there's just a lot of things. The weeks before the holiday break, schools tend to do more laid back, casual stuff, and that's actually, for a lot of our kids, it's very difficult for them because it's out of routine, it's off structure, it can be kind of chaotic, it can be kind of overwhelming. So the last few days before the break may actually be kind of stressful and chaotic for them. So just understanding that pretty much everybody experiences heightened levels of stress in November/December.

Have you ever felt caught in the middle between wanting to support your kids in what they want for themselves, and wanting to make sure they will be functional, successful adults?

It can be a tricky balance when it comes to setting boundaries, allowing failures, and giving advice.

In this week's episode, I'm talking with Daniel Keith Austin about how parents can support the dreams and goals of their neurodivergent kids. Daniel is an autistic author, and after we recorded this episode his children's book won third place at the BookFest Fall 2023 Awards!

It hasn't been an easy journey for him, and there are still things he's working toward accomplishing. 

Research shows that kids who are struggling only need ONE supportive adult in their life to help them be successful. Just one. In this week's episode, Daniel and I are sharing strategies to help us all be that one for our kids!

Here's a clip from the episode:

(Steph) One of the things that... that I believe, is that I think everybody should and has the capacity to dream and have whatever goals they want for themselves. Right. I think for some of us, it may take us longer to get there, and we may need more support along the way. But I don't think that the dream or the goal needs to be any different than it would be for anybody else. It just may take us longer, and we may need more help to get there.

(Daniel) Right. And that's often why so many people give up is because it's taking a really long time. And that's something I want to offer as encouraging advice to people who are listening to this, who are in that boat, like, just keep going at it. Someone important to me told me to never ever settle, and that's what I'm not going to do is I'm never going to settle. It is, I will admit, taking a lot longer for me to achieve the dreams. I envisioned having them a much longer time ago. And if I had it my way, I'd be enjoying it right now. But I'm just going to keep going at it no matter how frustrating it is. Buy his book at https://mybook.to/ChelseasNewBeginning.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chelsea.the.golden.retriever

Twitter: https://twitter.com/ChelseaTheGold2

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@chelseathegoldenretriever4203

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chelseathegoldenretriever88/

You know that visual of an iceberg that often gets used to describe things being 'under the surface'? It's a way to demonstrate what is seen compared to the monstrosity of what is not seen about a situation.

On this week's podcast/YouTube channel, I'm jumping into chores and hygiene. Talk about an iceberg graphic! 

On the surface, it probably seems like kids refuse to do chores or hygiene tasks 'just because'. In reality, there can be SO MANY reasons for these things to be difficult for our kiddos, many of which we may not have ever recognized.

In this episode I'm breaking down multiple reasons why these tasks can be so heavily avoided, why they can just be inadvertently overlooked, and lots of strategies to make them easier and more likely to be done!

Here's a clip from the episode:

A lot of our kiddos really don't have a concept that the way they look and smell affects their reputation. They just don't have that concept. And so for a lot of people, we do hygiene because we don't want to smell, we don't want to look dirty, right? It has to do with how other people perceive us. And our kids just don't always have that concept. Hygiene is very much a social construct. Even though it sounds weird to think about it that way. We... a lot of the hygiene activities we do are because of our thoughts about how other people think about us. And so when so many of our kids don't have that concept, hygiene becomes just this thing they're supposed to do that they don't really want to do it. So that's another... just know that if your kids are resistant to doing hygiene stuff, or it's just not even on their mind, that's why. It's actually a social construct. And it requires that we think about other people. And a lot of our kids are just really challenged in that area. 

A couple months ago I was talking to a mom in Australia about her family. She shared that her kids are both neurodivergent, and so is she, and so is her partner! She felt like the most challenging part was knowing how to support them socially when she feels socially challenged herself. 

In my experience, when kid(s) AND parent(s) have a diagnosis, it tends to play out in one of two ways:

Scenario 1: personality conflicts abound and relationships are difficult. This was the story for Ann Coleman, who was on the podcast two weeks ago. 

Scenario 2: mutual understanding and shared experiences create deeper relationships. This is the story for Tanya Valentin, who is my guest on this week's episode.

Here's a clip from the episode:

So first of all, my first sort of thing, the thing that I think is the most important thing is radical acceptance. And what I mean by that is kind of throwing out the rulebook when it comes to parenting. And also just parenting the child that you have. You know, I think there is so much, like, programming or perception of like, how your parenting journey should go, or what your child should be like, how they should show... turn out, what successful parenting looks like, what success in general looks like for a human being. And a lot of it actually doesn't apply to neurodivergent people, neurodivergent families. And so the first thing that I really want to just kind of put out to parents is that radical acceptance is going to be your friend, you know, and so that means looking at your child, looking at your family, and deciding what actually works for us. 

PS. The parent I mentioned at the top of this email asked me if I ever teach family classes, and I thought that was an amazing idea! If you find yourself in a similar position where you aren't sure how to help your kiddo because you also struggle socially, I'd love to hear from you. 

Where to find Tanya:

Social Media: @TanyaValentinNZ

www.TanyaValentin.co

Podcast: The Seen, Heard, Accepted Podcast

Mel Robbins, one of my favorite people to follow and listen to, says, "You are one decision away from a completely different life." I'm a huge believer in the power of this concept. I also feel like it's very applicable when it comes to making friends.

Sometimes our kids struggle to make friends because of their reputation. They don't realize they are saying or doing things that are sabotaging their reputation and, as a result, their relationships.

And sometimes our kids have great reputations, and still no friends. Sometimes it has nothing to do with who they are, and everything to do with what they are or are not doing.

In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing easy things kids (or adults!) can do to start making connections that can lead to friendships. 

Here's a clip from the episode:

If you guys think about when we were, you know, when you’re five or six or if you have a kiddo who was recently five or six, and they may run up to each other and say, ‘Hey, will you be my friend?’ Clearly, that's not actually how friendship works, right? But some of our kids hold on to that concept for years after they're five or six, they think you can just ask somebody to be a friend. Not really how it works. So friendship requires that we're spending time together, outside of where we know this person. All right, so we've established there's a chasm, usually, between acquaintance and friendship. There's a big chasm there. We've established that most people we know are acquaintances. We've talked about how some of our kids recognize they don't have any friends, and some of our kids think everybody's their friend. So how do we actually get from an acquaintance to a friend?

There's something about this time of year that seems to make parenting, teaching, just 'peopling' in general more difficult. 

The shine of the new school year has worn off.

Kids who haven't adapted so well to the transition are really struggling.

Holidays are on the horizon, which can cause extra stress and anxiety at home.

The days are getting shorter.

The time change is coming.

Colder weather is on its way...

Anything I missed from that list?

When people feel stressed, they instinctively look for ways to feel more in control of their environment. As parents and teachers, we often turn this need for control into attempts to control the kids in our lives. 

For some kids, this can be accomplished fairly easily. Some kids want to be compliant and please the adults in their lives.

And then there's the kids like me who will fight back any time they feel like there is an attempt to control them.

In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm talking with Ann Coleman, a parenting coach who focuses on challenging teens. We talk about some of the factors contributing to the mindset of our teens, as well as how we can parent them with less conflict. 

I grew up with a lot of household conflict in my teen years, and I feel like this conversation is incredibly important for anyone looking to have a more supportive, less challenging relationship with their teen.

Where to find Ann:

Podcast: Speaking of Teens

www.speakingofteens.com

We are back from fall break!In the last 2 weeks, I have moved to another state and gone on an 8-day road trip by myself. While it seems like this would mean less social interaction since I'm no longer around people I know, it has actually required so much more! On this week's episode, I'm sharing three little things our neurodivergent kids can do on a regular basis that make a big difference when it comes to being perceived as friendly.

Why does it matter how we are perceived? Because we all are much more willing and interested in connecting with people we perceive as friendly than with those we don't.

It's definitely possible for someone to be very friendly, but not be perceived that way. This can be due to anxiety, being distracted, or just not knowing that what they are doing is sabotaging their intent.

This episode also involves talking to strangers, which is something I believe is not only acceptable but necessary in order for our kids to have a meaningful social life.

You know those times when your neurodivergent kiddo is being defiant, or argumentative, or disruptive? Maybe disrespectful, or even dramatic? What's up with that??

In this week's episode, I'm sharing multiple reasons why our kids can be 'prickly' sometimes. A lot of them are things you may have never thought about or understood.

And of course I'm also sharing what we can do to help when our kiddos are in this space!

Here's a clip from this episode:

I think there's a lot of people who just like being a little bit different. There's a big distinction between when that's a choice and when it's not a choice. Somebody with a physical disability is always going to be seen as different, even though they did not make that choice. Somebody with a speech impairment, there will always be seen as different, even though they did not make that choice. Somebody whose skin is a different color than the other people they're typically around, somebody who wears certain clothing because of their religion... So there are things about us that make us stand out, make us different in a crowd, that were not our explicit choice. Things like: having a slow processing speed, not understanding humor, having a hard time getting along in a group. Those things also make us feel different. And they are not things that we chose for ourselves. So one of the reasons that I notice that our kiddos can be prickly sometimes is when the things that make them feel different were not their choice, and they're causing hardships in their life.

One of the most important pieces of advice I share with parents of neurodivergent kids to build connections with their kids and try their best to understand them. I realized I haven't talked much about HOW to do that.

Today's episode is all about this topic!

First, please stop asking your kid how their day was. In this episode, I explain why, AND I give you a great alternative that will not only give you more information than what you are probably getting now, but it will also help you form a deeper connection with your child.

I also talk about how to support our kids when they are struggling emotionally, ways to connect with kids who are resistant/reluctant/defiant, and why the things we choose to focus on could have a big impact on our kids' social futures.

Registration for my 8-week social skills program for autistic/ADHD kids is opening soon! Are you on the waiting list? https://www.starfishsocialclub.org/SC3-Academy

This is an impromtu episode I recorded because this topic was heavy on my mind. I'm sharing why I think everyone deserves to know if they have a diagnosis, when we should tell our kids, and how we can do it in an affirming way.

It's back to school season for those of us in the US!

I don't think it's a secret that I'm not a huge fan of traditional education systems. From bell schedules to having to ask to go to the restroom to the overfocus on memorization, I think these structures and expectations promote compliance and conformity. The fact that I'm not a huge fan of those things isn't a secret for sure!

While a lot of our neurodivergent kids experience social anxiety, school anxiety is another factor that can negatively affect students both academically and socially. 

My guest this week is Jessica Bradley, a former school teacher who now supports struggling learners by giving them the academic and emotional support they need to be more successful.

Here's a clip from this week's episode:

And that is why I think, in my program, students and parents tell us, you've only met with them once, and they're doing so much better. And I'm like, Well, I didn't teach them anything in an hour that's going to fix our academic problem. But I did talk to them and reduce their stress, which allowed them to go to that math class, and pay attention. So now they're getting support from me. But they're also able to finally intake information in class because I've reduced their stress level so much. And so that's such a big part. And you know, there's so much research too about how the two are intertwined, right? If we're doing well in school, we have great peer relationships, but the opposite has been researched and the opposite is true: If we have great peer relationships, we do great in school. So it's this very codependent relationship, that we have to continue as parents and a support person, people and all that we have to continue to foster both sides. Because they work together.

Where to find Jessica: www.the-learning-room.com

In this week's podcast episode with Carrie Bonnett, we talk about the importance of self-advocacy, giving everything a home, and making the invisible visible.

To Carrie, this relates to executive functioning tasks. To me, this relates to helping my students identify and recognize how the invisible social world really works.

I had two conversations with new students this week that really highlighted the importance of making the invisible visible:

The first conversation was with a middle school student who came to see me for 1/1 support. He did not want to be there, and the first thing he said when I greeted him was, "I'm just waiting for this to be over." 

I am always up for a challenge, so I dove right in.

By the end of our session, he had identified that it wasn't his unique hobby that was causing other kids to pick on him, it was his reputation. (Note: while someone's reputation is never a justifiable excuse for them to be picked on, it is at least an explanation for why it's happening.)

This kiddo also figured out what he was doing that was giving him a reputation for being annoying. He has been going out of his way to try to hide his amazing hobby, thinking it would cause kids to stop picking on him. I helped him see the invisible truth behind the treatment and now he's much more open to receiving feedback regarding how he interacts with other kids.

The second conversation was with an elementary student who is joining me via Zoom in a couple of weeks for my group program. At first, he refused to talk to me. When his mom would try to tell me what was going on, he would yell and have a big reaction. At one point she said he was melting down in the background. 

By the end of our session, he was telling me that his two goals in life were to make friends and to improve his rock climbing. He was also showing me some of the very creative pictures he has created. 

Why the significant change? He has social anxiety and thinks other kids don't like him. I explained to him the number one way he could figure out if other kids like him and want to play with him, which reinforced that kids like him! I made one invisible thing more visible to him, and it completely changed his perception of himself and of our conversation.

I encourage you to check out this week's episode with Carrie for strategies on helping your kiddo (or you!) make the invisible visible, and lots of other helpful solutions for organizing our brains and our homes.

Here's a soundbite from the episode: 

So what executive function skills are are the skills, the brain skills that help us get stuff done. That's how I like to describe it, like the short version. And I often like to say that the key to being successful at this thing called 'executive function’ is to make the invisible visible. So there is so much in a student's life, or an adult’s, that is invisible, right? Like expectations are invisible. Time is invisible. Yes. Months, years, invisible. All this stuff. Chores, invisible. And so one of the things that I just was talking to this high school student about just moments ago was this idea of just keeping it in your face.

You can find Carrie at www.CarrieBonnett.com

This is the final episode in our executive functioning series. This episode includes 10 activities you can do with your kids involving games to improve their executive functioning skills. We spend half our time at Starfish Social Club playing games!

Segment from this episode:

Next up is how I incorporate executive functioning skills into games. Clearly games in and of themselves work on executive functioning skills. There's not a game out there that does not work on executive functioning skills just by the fact that it's a game.

There are extra things I do during game time that kick things up a notch. Sometimes a little, sometimes a whole lot!

This episode focuses on working memory games to improve our kids' working memory. A lot of these are oral games that can be done anywhere. You do them at the dinner table or in the car, to start or end your day... wherever and whenever!

I'll see you next week for our last set of activities: games!

This episode includes 10 building activities you can do with your kids or students to help improve their executive functioning skills. You can use any materials for this. We typically use Legos, but you can use magnetic tiles, blocks, or anything else your kids enjoy.

Next week I have 10 working memory activities for you!

This episode is all about ways to improve kids' executive functioning skills using writing and drawing activities. Even if your kiddo is not a strong writer or doesn't enjoy writing, there are still plenty of activities on this list that they can do!

3:21: Support for kids who don't like to write

6:02 - Drawing activities

14:54 - Writing activites

Next week I have 10 building activities for you!

For the next several weeks, we are focusing on the concept of executive functioning. If you've been in the autism/ADHD/learning disabilities world for any amount of time, this term is probably really familiar to you. It can be defined in a lot of different ways, and it can be quite confusing. Today I'm talking about:

3:02: What is executive functioning?

4:08: Memory

9:18: Planning

13:21: Inhibition

17:28: Summary and what's coming up next!

Segment from this episode:

Kids in class see other kids' science fair projects, book reports, that six month oral history report, whatever it may be. They see other kids that seems to be on top of this management stuff. And their desk, meanwhile, is exploding. And they did theirs the night before. And it's not typed, it's handwritten, and they don't even have all the pages together. And they didn't turn in their homework yesterday.

Kids constantly late to school because they aren't able to manage their time and attention in the morning to get up and get out the door. And there's arguing and yelling and all kinds of stuff happening at home in the morning because of their inability to regulate their time and their attention and to prioritize things.

The three things we've talked about over the last three weeks, and how they all come together to create our unique program and system at Starfish Social Club. The direct instruction through our curriculum, the feedback our students receive, and the community that is created amongst the students here. They are all three vital to the success of our students, and what happens if one or even two of these elements are missing in the program that students may be in now outside of Starfish Social Club.

In this episode:

3:30 - The potential consequences for students if their program has direct, explicit instruction and feedback, but no sense of community with other kids

12:12 - The potential consequences for students if their program has feedback and connection to other kids, but no explicit instruction

24:50 - The potential consequences for students if their program has direct, explicit instruction and connection to other kids, but no feedback

Segment from this episode:

One of the things that can happen if you think about a program that has direct, explicit instruction and it's got a feedback component to it, but it does not have the community amongst the people in the program (this may be some interventions that happen in school, this very well could be one on one interventions, because it's hard to have a sense of community if a kiddo is in an intervention by themselves), one of the things that comes out of a program that's structured in that way without the sense of community amongst the other kids, is our kids start to feel like there's something wrong with them. That they are receiving this therapy or this intervention or this service or this pullout, because there's something wrong with them. They feel isolated. It definitely comes from more of a deficit-type model. 'Why don't other kids go to this?' I've heard that when I was in the classroom and I had kids that would go to speech therapy: 'Why don't other kids from my class go to this?'

All about the connection our students have with each other at Starfish Social Club! We are talking about what makes the experience here so unique, some of the authentic conversations we have had with students around autism and uniqueness, and why we do not intentionally separate our students by age or by "ability".

In this episode: 2:22 - the types of students who are in our program 3:38 - why we don't have neurotypical kids in the program 15:13 - the really important conversations we have with our students 35:03 - how we group our students (and why it's not by age or ability) 53:17 - a deeper conversation regarding 'ability' Segment from this episode: So we had a conversation about how the two of them are different. They don't have the same ability. And he said, "Well, she's just, like, ADHD or something, right? And I said, "No, she's autistic just like you are." And there was this loooong moment of silence. And it was so interesting. I could literally see, as they say, the wheels turning. And then he said, "You know, my whole life, adults have taught me to get along with all the normal kids. But no one has ever taught me to get along with other kids like me."

In this episode, we're talking about the SECOND most important concept in our program at Starfish Social Club: Helpful social feedback!

None of us are able to make progress if we aren't getting helpful feedback from important people in our lives! Without feedback, we aren't able to address the things that people may find annoying, frustrating, selfish, etc. about us! At Starfish Social Club, we teach all of our students to give each other social feedback. When our kiddos do things that may be socially awkward, inappropriate, or unexpected, other kids tend to have two responses: They give our kids NO feedback, or they give NEGATIVE feedback. Neither of those helps our kids understand what they said or did that is causing their reputation to be what it is.

We walk through how we teach our kids to give and receive feedback, and why it's so important.

The number one factor that has to do with whether other kids want to be around our neurodivergent kids, or not! This determines whether our kids have other kids who like them, avoid them, or even go out of their way to be unkind. This one thing is what our entire program at Starfish Social Club is based on.

The best thing about this concept is that once our students are aware of this one thing, they can change it if they choose to do so!

Our most effective strategy for helping our students understand the natural, social consequences of the choices they make. There are going to be people who hear it and maybe think they can't imagine implementing this strategy or feel surprised that it's successful. It may feel a little extreme. From my neurodivergent perspective, it is necessary in order for our autistic and ADHD kids to build their level of social awareness. It's also just as beneficial for all the other students who are in the group who witness us using this strategy.

Also an update on two of our socially anxious kiddos, and how we teach kids to change the topic in a conversation.

We are talking all about our cohorts, which are groups of similar-aged students who meet every other week. One week they plan an outing and the other week we go do it out in the community! We work on ALL the executive functioning skills in the context of our cohort groups!

Thinking about others in the context of a group, why we don't settle anything by voting (and what we do instead), the expected response when an acquaintance asks, "How are you?", the missing component when it comes to our kids being willing to make different choices, and teaching the concept of 'reading the room'.

This episode focuses on how we support kids who experience anxiety about joining the group or being here at Starfish Social Club. Also a sidenote about the importance of letting our kids do things in the ways that work best for them, and a story about our kids taking accountability and making something better.

How we do classroom management with our autistic and ADHD students WITHOUT using threats or punishment, including lessons getting derailed, side conversations, and students camping out in the restroom.

Exploring the methods and strategies we use to help our autistic and ADHD kids learn to solve problems, discussing situations where kids may do things that are unfair to others, and how our students adapt no matter what group they are in or who they are with.

Students solving a months-old conflict on their own (including how one of our more passive students stood up for herself), a student realizing he can be a leader and help other students, and a student putting in the work to change his reputation.