Split. The After Ever After Podcast

So, you've come to the place of deciding that you want a separation. Now what? How do you have one of the most difficult conversations of your life with someone? Is there ever a right time?

The way you tell your spouse about your decision can set the tone for your entire separation and co-parenting future.

There's no changing that fact that this kind of conversation can be devastating and life-changing. But, there are ways to go about it that can help soften the blow and move things forward positively. The alternative can mean heightened conflict, "lawyering up", and drama, drama, drama.

In today's episode we discuss tips for:

HOW to tell your spouse in an appropriate way

WHEN to have the conversation, because timing is everything

WHAT things to say that can lower conflict

WHY it's so important to take the time to have this conversation in the best way possible

Spousal support (called alimony in the US) is one of the most complicated and contentious areas of family law. The guidelines are complex with lots of grey areas, which can mean lots of room for conflict. Having what you need to make informed decisions is important.

Today we discuss the basics of the Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines (SSAG), including:

+Who is entitled to support

+Compensatory vs. non-compensatory support

+Spousal support with and without children

+When does support end?

+What is a lump-sum payment?

More questions? Let us know (if you're listening on spotify, hit the q&a button below to leave a voice message or send us a DM) and we'll discuss in part two!

Newly separated parents often don't realize just how many things there are to consider about the new co-parenting arrangement. Schedules, paying for extracurriculars, transition times, dealing with behaviour issues, introducing new partners are just a few issues of so many. Our guests today realized that taking the time to work out a detailed parenting plan is essential, but there were few professionals taking the time with clients to create them.

Brandyn Roark Caires, a licensed counsellor and Jen Schimbeno, a Financial Planner, created "Parent Team," an online course that guides parents through the ins and outs of parenting from both homes. Today we talk to them about some of what they've learned from their years of experience working with co-parents. They offer some tips on how they manage the tough issues like financial disputes, withholding information, and badmouthing the other parent. Listen for a great description of their technique called, "Name It, Frame It, Don't Blame It" - it could be a game-changer for you and your kids!

You can find more information about Parent Team @parentteam on IG and on their website: www.parentteam.com 

It's another Q+A episode! In this Part 3 installment of our series on High Conflict People we take questions from YOU. Thank you so much to everyone that took the time to submit such though-provoking and personal questions.

There's a little bit of everything here, ranging from issues with new partners, to ignoring food allergies, and how to deal with co-parent no-shows. We each give our take on how to best handle these situations, scripts on what you can say, and of course a little of what NOT to do!

We hope you'll find some answers here to your own situation. Please keep submitting your questions to us, and we're happy to help.

If you listened to last week's episode "Part 1: High Conflict People" you might have identified some high conflict personalities in your life. OK, so now what?

In Part 2 of "High Conflict People" we discuss some practical strategies for communication with these types of people. We offer some scripts, tips, and our own anecdotes from the battlefield!

If you're dealing with one of these characters in your life odds are you're overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted. It's extremely difficult to disengage from this conflict and you may have been in it for so long you don't know which end is up. We hope this episode gives you some insight into how to get some space and freedom from continuing conflict.

Lawyer and Mediator Bill Eddy writes a lot about "HCP" or "high conflict people." He explains that these characters are out of the ordinary, don't act like 80% of the population, and are marked by continued conflict and chaos in their lives.

A high conflict person could be that way because of a personality disorder, substance abuse, or other mental heath issue. If you try to reason with them you will find yourself engaged in a never-ending cycle of crazy-making conflict.

In this episode we talk about how to recognize these personality types so that we can approach conflict with them in a different way. Watch for a Part 2 coming soon where we explain ways you can communicate with this type of person.

We talk a lot on the podcast about dating and re-marriage after divorce, step-parents, and blended families. Most of us assume that the natural progression of a long-term relationship is to have your children meet your partner's and blend your lives together. BUT, what if you didn't blend families at all? What if your families don't even meet? WHAT?!

In this episode we talk with Jennifer Hurvitz, a Relationship Expert, Dating Coach, and best-selling author. Jennifer found herself in a stable, long-term relationship after her divorce and has made the very unconventional choice not to blend families.

How does that work? Pros? Cons?

Her choices may not work for you, but this is a must listen if you're thinking about introducing your children to a partner, or blending families altogether. She has an interesting perspective that's worth considering.

Parenting itself is hard enough - trying to figure it out with your ex? That can be downright brutal. You ex might not have the same parenting style that you do, and might not be open to your feedback about it.

What then?

How can we manage behavioural issues with our children between two homes?

What if the kids are playing us against each other to get their own way? (hint: they are!)

What if my co-parent doesn't have the same rules that I do?

In this episode we discuss these questions and other co-parenting problems with author and speaker, Kimball Lewis. He explains how we can still maintain boundaries and discipline with our kids even between two homes. He shares some tips and practical examples of what to say to kids  in these situations.

In the world of conflict resolution and mediation our guest today needs no introduction. Bill Eddy is THE expert on all things dispute resolution. A prolific author, speaker, and professor, Mr. Eddy has been a strong voice in this world for more than 30 years.

Bill Eddy is known for his practical, straightforward approach to resolving conflict. His books always include lots of detailed examples of high conflict dialogue and what to do instead. He has a true gift for describing those familiar causes of conflict and how we can expertly work through them. 

We're so pleased to speak to him today about his latest book, "Calming Upset People with EAR: How Statements Showing Empathy, Attention, and Respect Can Quickly Defuse a Conflict." Bill explains how he came to use "EAR Statements" and why they're so helpful. He also offers many examples of how you can use these in your life. 

Is my divorce going to mess up my kids? They're so young - how do I know if they're going to be okay?

In this episode we talk with Kimberly Ewertz, author of "Family Redefined: Childhood Reflections on the Impact of Divorce." Kimberly spent 5 years interviewing adult children of divorced parents, asking them about their experiences. She found many commonalities in what these adults reported. She tells us about what these adults now say affected them most negatively, and what had a positive impact.

Kimberly brings touching emotion to this interview as she openly speaks about her own experience of going through a divorce over 30 years ago with her 10 year old son.

Newly single and ready to mingle? Or...not?

Some people can't wait to jump back into the dating world, while others don't even want to think about it. How do you know when you're ready to start dating again after separation and divorce?

In today's episode we talk to Dr. Kristie Overstreet. As a psychotherapist and clinical sexologist, she's a pro that can give us some answers. We ask her all about how to know when the time is right to start dating, and how to judge if it's going well. We also discuss common mistakes people make when re-entering the dating scene, and ways to change unhealthy dating patterns.  

Bonus - listen for Ashley trying to ask a question about the "Hoe Phase," without using the term "Hoe Phase!" 

In today's episode we talk with Helen Yack and Gabbi Silverberg of Rise Up Counselling. They bring 40 years of experience in child protection, therapy, and social work. We asked them to explain the most common reasons that they see conflict among co-parents, and how it can be resolved. They explain what they see as recurring problems, and how there are better ways to address them that won't keep the drama and fighting going.

We also discuss when it may be appropriate to speak to children about what they want in a divorce, and how this can be done in an effective way.

This episode may push you to examine our own role as a co-parent, and how you communicate with your ex. Gabbi and Helen offer expert information that can give you some insight into the dynamics of your separation.

In this episode we speak with estate lawyer Shayna Beeksma, of Beeksma Law, about the importance of estate planning in a separation and divorce. When couples separate their property they often don't realize that without the proper agreements and wills in place their ex may still have legal rights to their assets, and/or power of attorney.

Estate planning isn't an easy subject to talk about. It can be uncomfortable to talk about our own mortality, and the subject is technical and sometimes difficult to understand. Shayna breaks down the important areas to think about, how the process of creating a proper will works, and what to look for in a great estate lawyer.

There's no way around it that going through a separation is stressful. But, we often look at only the emotional and mental stress and not the toll it takes on our physical bodies. During this time of upheaval and change we often put physical fitness last on the list and neglect our health.

Having a major impact on one’s emotional health, financial security, social status and personal relationships, divorce is far more than just a legal process, yet many still consider a lawyer the only professional required to help them get through it.

Working with the right attorney is an important part of navigating divorce successfully, but you’ll need more than legal advice to make good decisions and adjust to the many life changes that come with divorce. Should you stay or should you go? Who do you need to contact first? Should you lawyer up or are there any alternatives you should be considering? What paperwork do you need to get organized? How do you communicate with a difficult spouse and how can you minimize the impact of divorce on your children? 

In this episode, we talk about what derails people from making good choices during the divorce process and what a Certified Divorce Coach can do to help you make the best possible decisions for your future.

Should you "lawyer up" with the best divorce lawyer money can buy, or can you use the services of a family law mediator?

This is one of the first decisions you’ll make when facing a separation, and it’s a crucial one. The professional you choose to work with can set the tone for your entire separation, divorce, and future co-parenting. But, there’s so much misinformation out there that it can be hard to make an informed choice. In this episode we outline the important questions to ask yourself when considering whether you should use a lawyer or a mediator and discuss what to look for in each professional. If you or someone you know is going through a separation this episode could make all the difference.

"Loyalty Binds" create an impossible situation for children who feel that they must constantly choose between their parents. We can easily spot the really terrible behaviour that creates them, but sometimes it's hard to see how we might be unknowingly contributing to them too.

In this episode we start with the basics of defining the term "loyalty binds," look at ways they're created, and how they affect kids. This practical info can help you spot loyalty binds and root them out of your children's lives.

We also tackle many of the questions that you submitted via Instagram about this important topic and share a step by step guide for what to do when your ex is badmouthing you. 

For most separating couples their biggest joint asset is their matrimonial home. In the current housing market the value of that asset has likely risen far beyond what either person imagined when it was first purchased. This creates a big problem for many people because it’s too expensive to buy-out the other spouse and prices are too high to be able to sell and purchase two individual homes. What to do? Throw in the emotional attachment and importance of the family home and this can be one very tough issue to sort out!

In this episode we speak with Certified Divorce Financial Analyst Sara McCullough, who breaks down the issue and helps sort out what things to consider in making decisions about the family home. When is selling best? Is a buy-out always the best option even if you qualify to do it? Are there some other solutions that would work? Sara gives practical financial advice about how to go about making this decision. 

Find out more about Sara here:

If you’re going through a separation you’re already dealing with a boatload of personal stress, emotions, and big decisions. Trying to figure out how to talk to the kids about all of it can be a daunting task. Parents often agonize about how to inform their kids about this massive life change, and worry that they won’t do it the “right way” (hint: there are some wrong ways to do it, but no one right way).

When do you tell them?

Should you wait until you know all the answers about where you’ll live and what the new schedule will be?

Should you tell them together with their other parent, or speak to them separately?

How much detail do you share?

How do you word things so that young ones can understand?

In this episode we address all of these questions as we speak with Sara Olsher about how we can talk to kids about hard things. With her company Mighty+Bright, Sara creates picture books and resources that deal with life’s hard issues like cancer, COVID, and…divorce. We chat with Sara about her own experiences in learning to communicate openly with her daughter about all of these tough topics. We give some practical tips about what to keep in mind, why you need to go easy on yourself, and a few “what not to do’s” thrown in too.

Every year in the U.S., over 600,000 people age 50 years and older file for divorce - and researchers project that by 2030 this number will grow by one third. It has grown so rapidly that sociologists have already coined a term for it -- the “gray divorce revolution.”

But Gray Divorce is not a neutral event for adult children. As the divorce rate for older adults soars, so too does the number of adult children who are experiencing parental divorce. Yet, these adult children frequently say that they are the only ones who are aware of what they are going through and that they feel painfully alone.

Has divorce left you feeling cynical about marriage or relationships in general? Does the failure rate of second marriages make you feel hopeless about lasting love? Don't let divorce leave you jaded! In this episode, we speak with relationship expert Dr. Abby Medcalf who shares her research-backed tips to create a healthy relationship that lasts. We cover how to know when you're ready for your next relationship, the importance of learning about what is physically going on in your brain while communicating with your partner and why it's time to stop having faith in fear and to go all in with love!

Selling your home following a marital separation combines two of life's most stressful events: moving and divorce. There are several factors that make selling a matrimonial home in divorce different from a typical real estate sale. As emotions run high, list price, showing schedules and offer negotiations can all be sources of conflict that, if not managed properly, may delay your divorce and/or the sale of your home. There are also different laws, rules and regulations to follow, which increases the importance of working with an experienced and knowledgeable real estate professional. Local realtor Andrea Sferrazza joins us in this episode to explain how separated couples can approach the sale of their home in a way that gets each party the most amount of money, in the least amount of time and with as little stress and conflict as possible.

Getting divorced or splitting up with your partner when you have an outstanding joint mortgage can be difficult. In this episode we've invited Mortgage Agent Christina Pentlichuk to share all of the things that can make this piece of the divorce puzzle less stressful! Christina explains whether it's better to stay or sell, how to prepare, and what common mistakes to avoid along the way. 

Vacations can be a great way for co-parents to maintain traditions and bond with their children. The problem is that vacation plans and activities often conflict with regular time sharing schedules and without planning or effective communication, post-divorce vacations can be an endless source of tension for co-parents. But it doesn't have to be that way! In this episode we cover all the common issues surrounding vacations, how to discuss them with your co-parent and all of the things that can be verbally agreed to or put into a parenting plan to make it all go more smoothly. 

Whether you are contemplating divorce, divorcing or recently divorced, you've likely found yourself feeling very unsettled by all of the uncertainty that accompanies this major life transition. Many find themselves wondering "what's next?!". In this episode, we speak with divorce expert, coach and author Lynette Triere to discuss all of the emotional stages of the divorce process, what to expect and how to avoid common divorce pitfalls. 

Lynette's book Learning to Leave is an informative, comprehensive guide that teaches women how to get through divorce. Some of the topics include managing anger, fear and other emotions, choosing a lawyer, talking to husbands, helping children through the situation, reviewing employment opportunities and more. 

The ending of a marriage or any long-term relationship can make you re-evaluate everything you once knew about yourself and love. How do you know you’re ready (like really ready) to jump back into the saddle OR if you do feel ready, where or how should you start?! Joining us in this episode and here to help answer these questions is Jade Bianca - dating coach and matchmaker specializing in working with divorced men and women. 

Even if you don't quite understand what narcissism is, it's highly likely you've at least heard of it or seen the term used online. Although experts report that a very low percentage of the population has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, many people report that their former spouse/co-parent is or behaves like a narcissist. In this episode, we speak with coach and toxic relationship expert Matthew Phifer. Matthew provides the true definition of a narcissist and outlines the essential strategies for divorcing and co-parenting someone who has been diagnosed with this personality disorder. 

In this mini episode, we discuss a clause commonly found in parenting agreements called Right of First Refusal. What is this clause and should you have it in your own parenting plan? Listen now to find out! 

Figuring out the “right” way to discuss separation and divorce with kids is a common concern for parents. As we’ve discussed on the show before, books can be a great tool to open up conversations about hard topics. Our guest today is Kimberly King: an award winning author, child-development professional, certified early-childhood educator and speaker. Her book “When Your Parents Divorce” is written as a kid to kid guide on separation and divorce. Kimberly is here with us today to discuss her own experience with divorce and how parents can tackle such complicated subject matter in a way that is both informative and appropriate for their children.  

In this episode we speak with Stephen Cordovano: co-parenting dad behind Good Dad Movement and creator of some of the funniest parenting memes on the gram! Many newly separated fathers worry about losing the relationship with their children when they move out of the family home. Through GDM, it has been Stephen's mission to inspire a strong community of involved, hands-on dads - regardless of their marital status or family structure. Stephen shares his own separation experience, provides tips for overcoming the challenges of co-parenting and offers suggestions for how all parents can maintain a strong, happy and healthy relationship with their children. 

At the start, divorce can feels like a win/lose situation. Without a full understanding of all the legal terminology, separated parents can quickly find themselves battling over what they perceive to be the ultimate divorce trophy: custody. Whether or not this example speaks to your situation, many points outside of custody must be considered when crafting the parenting plan that will work best for your family. Today we break down the differences between custody and access and provide tips for how to construct a parenting plan that considers all of the day to day aspects of co-parenting (like school/work schedules, extracurriculars, holidays, finances and communication) and how to make any necessary changes to that plan without conflict.  

Our guest today is here to answer the question just about every co-parent eventually finds themselves faced with: WHEN and HOW should you introduce a new partner to the kids?! As a relationship, co-parenting and blended family coach (and a co-parent herself), Tamar Burris is passionate about helping families navigate difficult transitions. Her new book A New Special Friend is an incredible resource for young children of divorce that focuses on helping kids navigate the challenging feelings and experience of meeting Dad or Mom's new partner. Listen in now to learn more about how you can prepare both yourself and your children to meet their new special friend. 

Do you feel as though your ex is simply IMPOSSIBLE to communicate with? Do you constantly find yourself walking away from a conversation with your former spouse feeling dismissed or disrespected? OR do you spend hours obsessing over a future conversation but then find yourself completely tongue tied once you're face to face? Our guest today is here to help!! Akilah Sai is a Communication Strategist and an expert at helping clients transform from misunderstood to Ms. UNDERSTOOD! Listen in now to discover the source of your communication struggles and learn easy-to-use strategies to properly express yourself - no matter how difficult or unwilling to listen your co-parent may be.  

We've all been there. You're finally starting to get along with your ex.  After a conflict-free drop off you think to yourself "I am really getting the hang of this!" or "this whole co-parenting thing isn't too bad"... only to be hammered texted by your rage-filled ex an hour later about how you NEVER remember to pack the kid's iPad that THEY paid for! 

Today we're talking about sure fire ways to piss off your ex - we'll address the most common co-parenting mistakes and provide you with some tips and tools for how to avoid them and what to do instead!  

A lot of questions arise throughout the divorce process and during the transition from coupled to co-parenting. We invited our listeners to share their own questions and concerns and now it’s time for some answers! From dealing with trash talking exs to kids who are reluctant to meet their other parent’s new partner – we’re here to provide you with the tools, tips and a fresh perspective to overcome some of the overwhelm and move forward with confidence.

Have a divorce or co-parenting question of your own? We want to help! Scroll down & leave us a voice message OR email us your questions/rants/wins to jennifer@sandersmediation.ca and we will answer/discuss/celebrate during the following episode.

The COVID-19 pandemic is certainly upending lives everywhere and separating or divorced parents are no exception. Those who felt their co-parenting relationship was already under strain are now facing a whole new host of challenges. How can you co-parent and raise children between two homes when everyone is being urged to socially distance? What if you feel as though your ex is not following the current guidelines or is an essential service worker and more likely to transmit the virus to your children? This week, Jennifer and Ashley answer these questions, offer creative ways for quarantined parents to stay connected with their kids and provide simple yet effective strategies for how to communicate your health and safety concerns to your former spouse.

We want to hear from you! Scroll down & leave us a voice message OR email us your questions/rants/wins to jennifer@sandersmediation.ca and we will answer/discuss/celebrate during the following episode.

Listening. It might seem like a natural process- one that doesn’t need to be learned or practiced. But if you constantly find yourself saying things to your former spouse like "You never listen to me!", "That’s not what I said!" or "Are you going to let me talk now?!" then you already know there’s a big difference between listening and just hearing. Even though it might be the last thing you want to do, listening – really listening, can be the first step towards an amicable co-parenting relationship. In today’s episode we explain what active listening is, how to do it and why being a good listener and getting curious about your partner’s point of view can reduce conflict and get your own thoughts and feelings heard as well.

We want to hear from you! Scroll down & leave us a voice message OR email us your questions/rants/wins to jennifer@sandersmediation.ca and we will answer/discuss/celebrate during the following episode.

Christmas is a time when families come together to celebrate, enjoy each other’s company and create lasting memories. Which is why it can be a very difficult time for parents who are separated or divorced. For those who are eager to keep long standing traditions in place, conversations about new arrangements can be fraught with emotion and holiday cheer can quickly turn into holiday conflict. Some of you might be wondering: Is it even possible to have a happy Christmas after separation? We think so! This week we cover different time sharing schedules that actually work, share tips on how to be a good co-parent during the holiday season and answer questions sent in by our listeners! Listen in now to ensure you’re taking the steps that will lead you towards a truly Merry Christmas.

We want to hear from you! Scroll down & leave us a voice message OR email us your questions/rants/wins to jennifer@sandersmediation.ca and we will answer/discuss/celebrate during the following episode.

Parenthood and particularly the job of feeding kids is hard. Many of us enter the job with enthusiasm and optimism, only to find that convincing your kid to eat more than cheese strings or cheerios can be an uphill battle. Toss in the stress and anxiety associated with divorce and you can quickly find yourself feeling completely overwhelmed and defeated. As a registered dietician and busy single mom to a kiddo with food allergies, our guest in this episode is no stranger to these challenges. Suzanne Hajto from Suzanne’s Table is here to translate the science of food & healthy eating into practical advise that you can use right away & begin to relieve yourself of all that #mom/dad guilt. We address the concerns and struggles sent in to us by YOU our listeners and provide you with tips on how co-parents can coordinate a healthy diet for their children.

After years of conflict, divorced or separating couples often feel hopeless about an amicable co-parenting relationship. Their communication is ineffective or non existent and they anticipate it will continue this way forever. This week Jennifer and Ashley explain how understanding your physiological reactions to conflict can help break these patterns and will provide you with strategies to calmly address and respond to disagreements with your former spouse. 

Divorce can be a painful and draining experience - both emotionally AND financially. This week cohosts Jennifer and Ashley introduce themselves and discuss the implementation of mediation within the separation & divorce process. Jennifer explains how guided negotiation works well for couples who are separating amicably as well as those who are experiencing a high level of conflict. Listen now to learn how a mediator can save you time, money, heartache and help you negotiate a lasting agreement that works best for both parties and your children.