The Borts

Ever since his carefree days playing Little League Baseball, Ezekial Stanton has dreamed of becoming a Major League second baseman. The one thing that's kept him from achieving his dream is his inability to turn a double play. Always slipping, falling over, and eating shit before he could throw the ball to first. This inability led to opposing teams giving him an unfortunate nickname, "Butterfeet," that haunted him as he grew older and got more fucked up into adulthood. Now, 36 years old and stuck in Triple A, Ezekial faces pressure from his ex-wife to pay his back alimony and he fears she might come after his most prized possessions: his dragon figurines. Can Ezekial find a way to overcome the distractions and finally get past his butterfeet issues? Or will he fold under the pressure, give up his precious dragon figurines, and succumb to the life of a deadbeat, unloveable dirtbag?

Kevin is just a normal guy trying to watch a basketball game and yearning to find THE ONE when his ex-girlfriend's dad, Frank, rings the doorbell, air mattress in hand. "Me And My 5 Ex-Girlfriends' Dads" is a scripted sitcom pilot podcast that introduces the story of Kevin, Frank, and 4 more Dads of Kevin's Ex-Girlfriends that are having trouble in their lives for one reason or another and have made their way to Kevin's (rental) house. Join the unlikely crew of Kevin, Frank, Enrique, David, Ray, and Jeff on their journey to find love, acceptance, deals on wires, discounted gristle, a tax shelter, and a few laughs along the way. 

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Written, Directed, Produced, and Edited by Ben Wietmarschen.

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Cast

The calendar has turned to December and the BORTS have turned into CHEESY MOVIE WATCHING MACHINES. Throughout the yuletide month, we'll be watching our favorite made-for-tv Christmas movies from Lifetime, Hallmark, and MarVista and recapping them (sometimes with guests!). And if you're a good boy or girl, the Xmas Borts Elf will deliver a message at the end of the episode.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

The calendar has turned to December and the BORTS have turned into CHEESY MOVIE WATCHING MACHINES. Throughout the yuletide month, we'll be watching our favorite Christmas movies from Lifetime, Hallmark, and MarVista and recapping them (sometimes with guests!). And if you're a good boy or girl, the Xmas Borts Elf will deliver a message at the end of the episode.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Sports are great but the one thing we all agree on: They could be better! The only way to do that is to change the rules.

Ben has a bunch of new rule ideas for baseball, basketball, football, and soccer that he thinks will make everything better. The Sports Borts Rules Courts is where he presents these new rule changes to Ashley "The Judge" Chavez-Wietmarschen so she can decide whether to "Call The Commish" and tell them to change the rule OR she tells Ben to "Go to jail, bitch" if the rule stinks. It's a simple system.

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Yes, we've all played "Fuck, Marry, Kill." We get it, it's fun to cuss and wallow gallows humor from time to time, but the BORTS are more serious-minded about these things. Especially when it comes to sports.

Funnyman Jason Flowers joins the podcast and brings his sports version of FMK: "Cut, Trade, Super Max!" We explore the best sports trios of all time and decide who we'd get rid of, who we'd trade (or trade for), and who we'd allow to secure the bag, so to speak. 

Listen, play along, have some fun for once in your frickin life!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

The Borts celebrate the 50th (and, technically, 51st) episode by discussing 50 separate, unique, beautiful, dumb, disgusting, big, small, and medium sports things!

Part 1: August 13, 2019

Part 2: August 20, 2019

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

The Borts celebrate the 50th (and, technically, 51st) episode by discussing 50 separate, unique, beautiful, dumb, disgusting, big, small, and medium sports things!

Part 1: August 13, 2019

Part 2: August 20, 2019

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

"I don't entertain hypotheticals" 

...is something you'll never hear on this dang old podcast. We love hypotheticals! In fact, we think they're VERY entertaining! The Borts welcome the very funny and nice Gary Richardson (SNL) to the Headquarts to ponder over 5 Q's:

1-What is the rubric for being the GOAT?

2-If you could be present for any sports moment in history, which one would it be?

3-What player has the best youtube compilation?

4-Who is your All-NBA team of only guards?

5-Which would you rather do: hit a 3 pointer at the buzzer, game 7 of the finals, score a winning goal in extra time of the World Cup championship game, or hit a grand slam to win Game 7 of the World Series?

All that and more answered on this episode of Sports Borts!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

If you're like most Borts-heads, there's nothing more simultaneously calming AND exciting to you than watching your team play in an offseason league. We all know about baseball's Spring Training and, of course, soccer's famous FRIENDLIES, but how much do you know about NBA Summer League in Las Vegas every summer. It's got everything! Basketball's brightest stars wearing sweats in the stands, young ballers competing for their lives, and air conditioning! 

The funny and great Matt Hobby (Young Sheldon) talks to the Borts about his tradition of going to Summer League in Vegas most summers. The sights, the smells, the staring contests with DeMarcus Cousins. Along with some ska talk and analysis of when (or if) it's appropriate to wear jerseys anywhere but a game, this ep has everything. Listen!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Is Professional Wrestling a sport? That’s a question that is not addressed in this episode of Sports Borts because, frankly, we don't care. It's fun! And everyone who does it has a great bod! 

The very funny Dan Black (Comedians of Wrestling Podcast!) comes on the program to school the Borts on the dense, chaotic, thrilling, and most of all, ENTERTAINING world of Professional Wrestling. How does wrestling fit in a world mad for sports and drama? How does it reflect who we are and the values we hold dear, whether we're aware of those values or not? How does one build a great bod? All questions are answered AND MORE in this episode of Sports Borts. Listen!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Spend a little time on Rickey Henderson's Baseball Reference page (https://www.baseball-reference.com/players/h/henderi01.shtml) (Plz sponsor us Baseball-Reference!) and you will see that he's one of the best players in baseball history, but you'd also only be getting HALF the story...

The very funny and sports savvy comedy man, Dan Abramson, stops by Sports Borts Headquarts to talk about the thrilling, awe-inspiring, and frankly hilarious career of Rickey Henderson. Dan relays some stories, mostly apocryphal, that built the Rickey legend, talks about how Rickey is every baseball kid's dream athlete, and how Rickey was unfairly treated in his own time. Dan also discusses the therapy of his Buffalo Bills fandom and we answer a listener question about SCRIPTED SPORTS TV SHOWS.

This episode has it all folks, and I think you should just shut up already and LISTEN!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Milwaukee! The land of beer and brats and Giannis Antetokounmpo and this week's guest on the Borts: Rick Carrera!

The newly hyper-relevant Bucks took the NBA by storm this year, finishing with the League's best record and (possibly) an MVP. But what's it like to actually be a Milwaukee Bucks fan? Rick walks us through his history with the team including the Michael Redd era, shouting at players from VERY affordable first deck seats, and Jesus Shuttlesworth himself. The Borts also discuss batting cages, miniature golf, and a listener question about the best sport to play on a big time romantic DATE! 

Download and listen TODAY!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Shooting Guard...Tight End...Third Baseman...ALL great positions, but which one is the coolest? It's a question that children have been debating--either explicitly or, more likely, implicitly by unconsciously placing their cooler position'd peers higher on the social ladder--in their social circles forever. This week, the Borts tackle it. 

Ashley is big on defense, Ben is big on whoever gets to do the fanciest moves while playing their position, so you know there's gonna be FIGHTS. The Borts also comment on the least cool positions by sports and SHAME SHAME SHAME (OK, we admit it, there's gonna be some Game of Thrones talk too. Along with Pool Parties, which is a topic you might not have seen coming) those who have chosen those cursed spots on the court/diamond/field.

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Tired of just sitting and watching sports without the threat of losing your rent money if Blake Bortles throws an interception? Well, betting on sports will take care of that common problem IMMEDIATELY!

The very funny and good guy Austin Rodrigues joins the BORTS to school them on the basics of wagering on athletics and all their positives and negatives (A LOT of negatives, like losing your rent money). Austin also explains being a Yankees fan from Massachusetts, how NOT to drink beer during a high school baseball game, the collective UNCHILL of the recreational tennis and golf communities, and so much more on this killer episode of da Borts. Check it out by downloading and listening!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

LeBron James? Kevin Durant? Kawhi Leonard? Etc.? Who are the best 5 basketball players in the National Basketball Association right now as of this moment? 

THAT is the question The Borts answer this week with our ultra funny guest, Carmen Christopher. Carmen is a Chicago Bulls fan who loves Michael Jordan and hates the Warriors but in the cool understandable way where Ashley could still have a nice conversation with him about it. He and The Borts put down, definitively and on the record, who they think the best 5 NBA players are at this moment as well as their 5 FAVORITE NBA players and they also sprinkle in the favorite NBA duos for good measure. 

It's a basketball heavy episode, folks, so you know it's gonna be an alley-oop slam dunk of a good time!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Sports are great but the one thing we all agree on: They could be better! The only way to do that is to change the rules.

Ben has a bunch of new rule ideas for baseball, basketball, football, and soccer that he thinks will make everything better. The Sports Borts Rules Courts is where he presents these new rule changes to Ashley "The Judge" so she can decide whether to "Call The Commish" and tell them to change the rule OR she tells Ben to "Go to jail, bitch" if the rule stinks. It's a simple system.

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Why do so many people so revile Boston sports teams and their fans? Because Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are so hateable? Sure. Because they have an easily mocked regional accent? Of course. But also maybe because people are jealous? No. It's because they win the most and sports fans hate the people who are lucky enough to win the most. Duh.

Darren Miller is someone who happens to have been born in New England and who happens to like Boston sports and also who happens to be self aware enough to see why some people might be sick of all the Boston teams winning. The Borts chat about where the worm turned on the formerly lovable New England fans and somehow finding a way to root for Boston without being all obnoxious about it. 

It's informative, it's fun, it's SPORTS BORTS, check it out!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Sports Borts was birthed into this world one year ago and The Borts are celebrating by talking about their favorite teams! We're talking Giants, Reds, Bearcats, Warriors, and so much more! 

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Sure they throw batteries, barf on 11 year olds, and chuck snowballs at freakin' SANTA CLAUS, but are Phillies Phans really that bad?

The Borts welcome funny writer and Pennsylvania native Mary Lordes into the Headquarts to make the case for the most notorious fan base in American sports. And guess what? She makes a GREAT case! They take up a very specific and, one might argue, necessary space in the sports fan community. Mary also discusses teen goth phases, mascots, bowling, and so much more! Ya just gotta listen.

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

"Hey!" "Foul!" "Why'd you do that?!" "Stop!" "I'm gonna beat you up!" 

...are just a few phrases you will often hear from the subject of this episode of Sports Borts: INSTIGATORS.

Whether it's on the basketball court, the baseball diamond or, heck, the common office break room, some people are cut from the instigating cloth and love nothing more than to STIR. UP. SHIT. The NBA is one sports league that has a grand tradition of these shit stirrers and joining the Borts to discuss them is the fantastic Adam Lustick ("Corporate" on Comedy Central). 

Adam has a crap ton to say about why he loves instigators in the NBA and how he admires them despite being very different from them. He also touches on layup line warmup songs, the primal anger inherent in playing sports, Jeff Van Gundy and so much more. It's a fantastic episode and you just gotta check it out!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Baseball is back, baby! On Thursday March 28th the 2019 MLB season will begin and that means you can have baseball games on in the background while you do stuff for the next 6 months...pretty exciting, right?

Ricardo Marquez (Crispychicken.co) joins the Borts to answer the question "isn't baseball great?" as well as chat about Mike Trout, stadium food, Opening Day, baseball's new rules, and much more as we go through the first ever Sports Borts Rorschach Test on all 30 Major League Baseball teams. What does each baseball team make you think of? Email us!

It's a completely stat-less, unserious, uncontroversial, and essentially uninformative preview of the 2019 baseball season...but it's fun as hell! 

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

The 2019 NCAA Men's basketball tournament is here and the Borts are filling out their brackets. Who will win, who's the Cinderella, which game gets dubbed the "turd of the tournament," all that stuff. But it's not just boring pencil scratches, it's discussion of the tournament, how to watch at the office, strategies for who to pick, and much much more!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

We're talkin' Tiger Woods, Happy Gilmore, Payne Stewart's pants, and, most of all, why anyone in the world would want to watch or play golf on this week's Borts.  The talented, beautiful, nice, and funny Zach Broussard guides the Borts ever-so-gently into how to hack golf into being a fun and cool experience and not a boring and stodgy CHORE.

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

OK, it's not really a "live" episode in the traditional sense of the word. It wasn't in front of an audience, it was recorded in a room at the Embassy Suites hotel in the greater Phoenix area instead of the Headquarts, though, so it counts. Get off our backs!

Spring Training rules! And the Borts are witnesses. Driving from L.A. to the Phoenix area with Ben's parents, the Borts give a shorty update on what it's like to experience the weird, super chill preseason baseball that takes place every March in Arizona and Florida. 

And joining the Borts for part of the episode is Ben's mom, who is decidedly NOT a sports head, but still finds ways to enjoy baseball, Cincinnati sports, and the Spring Training games. She's great! Listen to this!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

There comes a time in every sports fan's life when they wake up and realize: the NFL sucks and the NBA is pretty dang-on cool! Very funny writer and actor and Bills fan, Carrie McCrossen, joins the Borts this week to discuss her transition from crying-about-"wide right" to wondering is-watching-the-NFL-right? And if you've ever listened to an episode of Sports Borts before, you know she is among friends with that subject matter.

We dive deep into how football games can be such a nice, wholesome family tradition, the non-aggro-ness of WNBA games, home ownership and flooding, watching games in the cold, and much much more!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Are sports good now? Are they bad? Better than they were? Or worse? Could they be better? And how? Can anyone even tell? 

In this episode, the Borts take the time to check in with the status of each of the 'Big 3' sports both on and off the field. Where do they have room for improvement and where do they need to just burn it down and start over. 

Spoiler alert: the NFL needs to light that match!

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Jumps, spins, lutzes, axels, and salchows....who can keep 'em all straight?! Our guest this week can, that's who! The ultra hilarious Caroline Cotter joins The Borts in The Headquarts to talk all things FIGURE SKATING.

Caroline, who thanks she stanks at figure skating but the video evidence proves otherwise, gives us the low down dirty deets on what it was like being a normal kid figure skater and then growing up to be a normal adult figure skater. She dishes on why Michelle Kwan rules and Tara Lipinsky drools, how the whole amateur "skating system" works, and a million other things that lead to a giggly and chuckle-y time on the airwaves.

It's good, you should listen.

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Going to every home game of the season for your favorite team...oh, what a dream! The Borts welcome a guest who has realized that dream with the New York Knicks AND the Los Angeles Clippers. Unbelievable!

Spencer Griffin (Stoopid Buddy Stoodios) steps into the headquarts and dishes about not really having a home-grown favorite team, his latter-day love for the Clippers, Marie Kondo'ing, getting the right apparel,  all the perks of season ticket holding, and more on this NBA-packed ep of Sports Borts. 

Luka Dončić does come up.

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Memphis, located in the western corner of Tennessee, is known for BBQ, Beale Street, and, you guessed it, basketball! Home of the Grizzlies, the team that brought us the Gasol's and Grit & Grind! Memphis is full of alliteration!

Marshall Stratton is an improv and sketch comedian living in New York City. Search for him on Youtube and you'll encounter a treasure trove of comedy videos, many of which are about sports which is A.O.K. with the Borts. He's got a lot of nice things to say about Memphis and his Grizzlies and frankly, it'll make you want to take a visit.

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise anything on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

Distance Running RULES! 

I bet you didn't wake up this morning thinking you'd hear someone say that. But the fact is: it does. Whether you're jogging a 5k, training for a marathon, or having a foot race with the kid down the street who thinks he's faster than everyone else just because he drinks two glasses of milk at dinner instead of one; running rules!

Here to talk about distance running with The Borts is Nate Dern, a writer for The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and a full-on running hound. Ben and him ran the LA marathon together last year (and are planning to do it again this year) and they nerd out A LITTLE in this episode but Ashley keeps it from getting annoying, WE PROMISE. Whether it's simply getting in shape or finding an alternative way to tour a city or experiencing weather (ok, weirdo), distance running is very cool and this ep is all about that. Ashley adds in a few things that aren't so cool about running too for the majority of folks who can relate.

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If you or anyone you know would like to advertise on Sports Borts, simply email sportsborts@gmail.com. It's a name-your-own-price situation, so don't be shy, get the word out about WHATEVER on our podcast!

The New Year Baby has hatched out of his egg and is starting to wobble onto it's chubby little legs already, but before Baby gets TOO big, the Borts list how they hope to improve as sports fans in 2019. 

More soccer? Less superstitions? More reading! All this and more in the first Sports Borts episode of the New Year!