The Bible in Fewer Words

In this episode, Jesus tells us about the unforgivable sin. Blasphemy against the Holy Ghost. Whoever says anything bad about the Holy Ghost will never be forgiven - in this life or in the next.

Jesus also tells us about unclean spirits, and how they inhabit, leave, and return to bodies, after they are cleaned up, with seven more spirits even more wicked than themselves.

And we learn about Jesus's family values. He denies his mother and brothers, saying that his real family are those who do what his father tells them to do.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/239.html

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In this episode, Jesus selects the rest of his apostles and gave them power over unclean spirits. He tells them that everyone will hate them, but that any city that refuses to listen to them will be destroyed like Sodom and Gomorrah. He says that the Son of Man will come before they finish preaching to the cities in Israel.

Jesus said he didn't come to bring peace, but the sword. He came to divide families and make enemies within them. He said that no one can be his disciple unless they love him more than their families.

Although John the Baptist still didn't know what to make of Jesus, Jesus knew what to make of John the Baptist. He was, Jesus said, the greatest person to ever exist. And he was also Elijah - although John explicitly denied this in the gospel of John.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/238.html

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After Jesus finished the sermon on the mount, he continued his ministry in Galilee. He cleaned a leper, healed a centurion's slave and Peter's mother-in-law, and cast out devils.

When one of his disciples asked to bury his dead father, Jesus said, "Follow me, and let the dead bury the dead."

Then Jesus calmed a storm, cast out some more devils by drowning a herd of pigs. He cured a paralyzed man by forgiving his sins. And he told a tax collector named Matthew to follow him.

A woman with a 12-year issue of blood was healed by touching Jesus's robe.

The episode ends with Jesus healing a ruler's daughter, restoring the sight of two blind men, and casting out the devils that inhabited the body of a man who couldn't speak.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/237.html

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This is the second half of the Sermon on the Mount.

Jesus tells his followers to avoid repetitious prayer, and then teaches them the Lord's Prayer (or the Our Father) and tells them to pray with it.

He introduces the "golden rule" and says that it includes everything in the law and the prophets. And yet the Law of Moses commands us to stone to death our entire family if they suggest we worship another god (Dt 13:6-10) and a thousand other cruelties which break the golden rule.

It also contains some cool phrases like don't cast your pearls before swine or let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/236.html

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The Sermon on the Mount is the most famous sermon of all time. I'm sure much of it will be familiar to you.

But some of it might not be. Jesus says some pretty radical things there. Including:

All of the law of Moses must be obeyed - every jot and tittle.

If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out. (It's better to go to heaven with an eye missing, than to go to hell with both eyes.)

Divorce is not permitted. A husband who divorces his wife causes her to commit adultery, and a man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

If someone hits you on one cheek, let him hit you on the other. And if anyone asks you for anything, give it to them.

And, of course, love your enemies.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/235.html

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In this episode, Jesus gets baptized by John the Baptist, is tempted by the devil, calls his first four disciples, and heals some devil-possessed lunatics.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/234.html

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The New Testament begins in the most boring way possible - with a genealogy. But at least it's only 17 verses, rather than nine chapters, like in the beginning of 1 Chronicles.

The point of the genealogy is to show that Jesus was a descendant of David, as was expected of the Jewish Messiah. But it doesn't show that because is it Joseph's genealogy, and Joseph, according to Matthew, was not the father of Jesus.

The birth and infancy narrative in Matthew is dominated by five dreams. It also contradicts, in nearly every detail, with the one given in the gospel of Luke.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/223.html

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This is last of the minor prophets and the last book of the Old Testament. It ends, appropriately enough, with a curse.

In Malachi, we learn that God hated Esau (and still does) for no apparent reason; that God still wants animals sacrifices (but only non-handicapped ones); and that if you refuse to give him sacrifices and tithes, he will corrupt your children and spread dung upon your face.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/232.html

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In this episode, God names a couple of sticks "Beauty" and "Bands".

He stands on the Mount of Olives while splitting it in two.

He feeds the flock of slaughter, while smiting every horse with blindness and every rider with madness.

He says he'll kill 2/3 of of the people and burn the survivors.

And he'll cause people's flesh to rot away while they are standing, their eyes to rot in their sockets, and their tongues to rot in their mouths.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/231.html

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The book of Zechariah gets off to a bad start with eight bizarre and uninterpretable visions. No one knows what any of them are supposed to mean. So don't expect them to make any sense.

There is some good advice in chapters 7 and 8, though.

Don't oppress widows, orphans, strangers, or the poor.

And don't wish evil on other people.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/178.html (change for episode)

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Haggai is the tenth of the twelve minor prophets. So we only have two more to go before the end of the Hebrew Scriptures.

In Haggai, God complains about the house that the people built for him after returning to Jerusalem after the Babylonian Exile. He wants a big house - like the one Solomon built for him.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/229.html

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This is another little book of doom and gloom. It is perhaps most famous for inspiring the Dies Irae - a Latin sequence that was used in the Roman Catholic liturgy in the Requiem Mass. (It was removed in the reforms of the Second Vatican Council.)

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/228.html

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Habakkuk is another strange little book that is seldom read or quoted.

No one knows why it is in the Bible. It isn't referred to anywhere else, except for in the apocrypha.

In the Additions to Daniel, an angel grabs Habakkuk by the hair and carries him from Judah to Babylon, where he feeds Daniel in the lions' den some of his homemade stew and bread.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/227.html

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This is another strange little book that is mostly ignored by Bible believers.

And for good reason. It has nothing to say to anyone, unless you happen to be living in Nineveh during the seventh century BCE.

If so, then watch out. God is going to get you.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/226.html

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The story of Jonah is familiar to most of us. But the most interesting parts were left out of the children's Bible stories that were read to us when we were young.

So join Carole and I as we tell the story once again. We promise not to leave out any of the interesting parts.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/224.html

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Obadiah is the Bible's least-read book.

And there's a good reason for that -- it has nothing to say that would be of interest to anyone. Unless you're from Edom, that is. Then you'd learn that God hates you and plans to kill you (for something he claims your ancestors did). Oh, and if your a heathen, the day of the Lord is near. That's when he'll kill you too.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/223.html

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Amos continues to describe God's plans to destroy Israel.

The highlight of the episode, though, is when Amos sees God standing on a wall with a plumbline in his hand.

Later Amos sees God standing on the altar. God says he will kill everyone in Israel, except for a few lucky survivors, who will drink wine and live happily ever after.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/222.html

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There only verse in the book of Amos that often quoted is Amos 5:24, a verse made famous by Martin Luther King, Jr. in his "I have a dream" speech, in which he said:

"[We] will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."

And it does seem like a nice verse - and, therefore, completely out of place in the book of Amos.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/221.html

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Joel tells the drunkards to wake up. The locusts are eating everything and the Lord's day is at hand. The beasts are groaning, the cows are perplexed, and a fire is burning everything.

But don't worry, maybe God will repent and pour out his spirit on everyone. Young people will prophesy, old men will dream, and young men will have visions. And there'll be blood, fire, and pillars of smoke. The sun will be darkened and the moon will turn to blood.

So beat your plowshares into swords. It's time for war!

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/220.html

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God is angry with Israel for various things: committing adultery and lewdness, mixing with strangers, and going whoring after other gods. So he decides to punish them by smashing babies and ripping apart pregnant women.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/219.html

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The book begins with God telling Hosea to marry a whore. So Hosea marries a harlot named Gomer. The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/218.html If you enjoy these podcasts, consider supporting us at https://patreon.com/BFW CHAPTERS 0:00 Intro 1:30 Chapter 1: Go marry a whore 5:55 Chapter 2: Tell your mother that she's a whore 7:00 But I'll make her love me again 9:07 Chapter 3: Go have sex with an adulteress 10:32 Chapter 4: I'll destroy your mother 11:43 Chapter 5: They have strange children

In this episode, Daniel presents the numbers that have been (and still are) used to predict the end of the world.

Seventy years or seventy weeks; a time, times, and a half; three and a half years, 42 months, 1260 days; 1290 and 1335 days.

Daniel, with the help of Gabriel and Michael (and maybe Jesus), explains it all for you.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/217.html

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Daniel's second vision is a lot like his first. So I won't repeat it here. But we do get to meet Gabriel, who shows up to interpret the dream. (We don't really need the his interpretation, though, since this is the third time that the same story is told.)

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/216.html

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Daniel had a dream about four beasts. It troubled him, so he asked a bystander about it, who explained it all to him.

To find out what the bystander said, you'll have to listen to the episode - or read Daniel 7 for yourself.

In either case, you'll probably have the same that problem Daniel had after his dream - your head will trouble you.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/215.html

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This is the most famous story in the book of Daniel.

An angel saves Daniel from the lions.

Then those who accused him are cast into the lions' den, along with their wives and children. And lions tear them all to pieces. (This part is usually left out of the children's Bible story.)

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/214.html

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This is one of the most famous stories in the book of Daniel.

It is also where the phrase "the handwriting on the wall" comes from.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/213.html

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Nebuchadnezzar wrote a letter to everyone on earth to tell then about his dream. He asked his wise men to interpret it, but they couldn't. So he asked Daniel to do it.

Daniel explained it all to him, saying that his kingdom would be taken away from him and he'd eat grass like an ox for seven times (whatever that might mean). And that's exactly what happened!

After Neb returned from eating grass with the animals, he became a Jew again. (As he did after Daniel interpreted his first dream.)

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/212.html

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Nebuchadnezzar made a golden image that was 30 meters tall and 3 meters wide. Everyone was ordered to fall down and worship it. Whoever refused would be thrown into a fiery furnace.

Daniel's three companions refused so they were thrown into the furnace. The fire was so hot that it burned to death those who made it. But not Daniel's friends. Not a hair on their heads was singed and they didn't even smell smoky.

Nebuchadnezzar saw someone with Daniel's friends in the furnace who looked like the son of God. The whole thing impressed the king so much that he became a Jew again. (Like he did in the last chapter.)

Daniel is completely missing from this chapter. No one knows why. It's one of the great mysteries of the Bible.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/211.html

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King Nebuchadnezzar had a bad dream. He asked his wise men to guess his dream and interpret it for him. If they couldn't, he'd cut them in pieces.

But Daniel said he could do it - and he did.

To reward him, the king became a Jew and made Daniel the most powerful man in Babylonia.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/210.html

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Daniel and his friends are befriended by the master of the eunuchs in Nebuchadnezzar's court. But they refused to eat the meat and wine that the king provided.

Daniel proposed a test (the first and only experiment in the Bible) -- let them eat a non-alcoholic vegan diet for ten days and then compare them to the control group (who ate meat and wine) and then see who looks better.

So that's what they did, and the vegans looked better and were ten times smarter than all the king's magicians and astrologers.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/209.html

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This episode includes the famous prophecy about Gog and Magog. No one knows what it is about, but that hasn't stopped them from explaining it to us. About all that can be said for sure is that there will be a whole lot of shaking going on. God will cause every fish in the sea, every beast and creeping thing, and every human on earth to shake. And every wall and mountain will fall down. God will send his usual blood, pestilence, hail, fire and brimstone. The fowls and beasts will get drunk on human blood. And everyone will know that God is the Lord.

The last nine chapters are all about the brass man's measurements. Exciting stuff.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/208.html

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In this episode, God continues his message to people everywhere: He'll kill them all and then they'll know that he is the Lord.

But it ends with something completely different. Ezekiel prophesies to a valley of dry bones, and the bones come to life - giving us the song, "Dem Bones". Then he joins two sticks together, representing the tribes of Israel and Judah.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/207.html

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God describes making a scum-filled pot of stew to represent filthiness and lewdness of Jerusalem, which God will destroy in his fury.

Then he kills Ezekiel's wife and tells him not to mourn her. He does this to show how God will soon kill the children of Israel with a sword and tells them not to mourn their deaths.

God goes on to describe (again) his plans for the various nations. He's going to kill them all in various ways, and then they will know that he is God.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/206.html

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God tells us a story in this episode about his two wives. They were both unfaithful to him so he had them gang raped, mutilated, and killed.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/205.html

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In this episode, God explains why he gave us laws that were not good. Like the one he gave in Exodus 22:29 that tells us to give our firstborn sons to him (as a burnt offering?). He did it so that we would know that he is God.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/204.html

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God begins this episode by saying that he sometimes deceives prophets. And when he does, he then kills the prophet and whoever believes him.

Next he says that when people sin, he will kill them all with beasts, swords, famine, and pestilence. He'd only save three people: Noah, Daniel, and Job.

Then God talks about his marriage to Jerusalem. He saved Jerusalem when she was an abandoned baby, raised her, gave her lots of nice things, and then married her. But Jerusalem had sex with everyone and everything she could find - especially with well-endowed Egyptians. So God had her lovers strip her naked, stone her to death, and then stab her body with swords.

The episode ends with God telling us about the sin of Sodom - and it wasn't homosexuality. It was pride, gluttony, idleness, and not helping the poor.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/203.html

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There's a lot of bizarre stuff in this episode.

God killed a prophet named Pelatiah for saying something that I don't think even God understood.

And God is against the pillows that the women prophets were making.

Strange stuff from one of the Bible's strangest books.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/202.html

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God continues to describe the evil things he plans to do to people - and when he does them, they will know that he is God. (This is the theme of the book of Ezekiel.)

A couple of things happen in this episode that we saw in the last one: Ezekiel sees God's loins again, and he also see's the creatures with four faces (cherub, man, lion, and eagle), along with the wheels that are covered with eyes.

But the highlight is the man in linen, whom God tells to kill everyone who doesn't have a mark on their forehead.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/201.html

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God tells Ezekiel to lie on his left side for 390 days, then on his right for another 40 days. God says he'll tie him with ropes so he cant move during this time.

Meanwhile, God tells him to bake bread using wheat, barley, beans, lentils, millet, and spelt - and human dung. When Ezekiel complains, God says he can use cow dung instead.

Next, God tells Ezekiel to cut off his hair and beard and divide it into thirds. One third is to be burned, another hit with a knife, and and the last scattered in the wind. God will chase after the last third with his sword.

This exercise with the hair is to show how God will kill one-third of the people with disease, another third with the sword, and another third will be scattered in the wind, while God chases them with a sword.

God says he will force fathers to eat their sons and sons to eat their fathers. That way everyone will know that he is the Lord.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/200.html

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The episode begins with Ezekiel's sighting of an unidentified flying object. God also makes an appearance, with Ezekiel getting a glimpse of his loins.

God introduced himself to Ezekiel and sent a hand holding a book down to him. God told him to eat the book, which he did and it tasted like honey.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/199.html

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The book of Lamentations explains why Jerusalem was invaded and destroyed by Nebuchadnezzar. She was like a menstruous woman who committed sexual sins with her many lovers. Her filthiness was in her skirts.

So God punished Jerusalem with the rod of his wrath, killing young and old without pity, and forcing mothers to eat their children.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/198.html

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Jeremiah continues his rant against the whole world. God is going to kill everyone Jews and Gentiles alike.

He'll kill the Jews that fled to Egypt with the usual things: the sword, famine, and pestilence.

He'll kill the Gentiles with his own sword that will be drunk with blood.

He'll force the Egyptians to kill each other.

He'll flood the Philistines and won't let fathers save their children.

He'll force Moab to get drunk and wallow in its own vomit. He'll burn the Ammonites women with fire.

He'll make the Edomites naked and kill them all like he did to Sodom and Gomorrah.

And he'll make the mighty men of Babylon become like women.

The book ends with Jeremiah's book being thrown into the Euphrates River - which seems like a good place for it to be.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/1978.html

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Jeremiah goes to prison again for telling the people not to defend themselves against Nebuchadnezzar. When he continues to repeat his doomsday prophecies, the king's officials throw him in a dry well. He would have died there if it weren't for an Ethiopian eunuch, who, with 30 others, lifted him out of the well.

Jeremiah and God tell the people not to go to Egypt to escape the Babylonian attack. But they go there anyway.

God tells Jeremiah to find some big rocks, carry them to Egypt, and bury them in front of the Pharaoh's house. So he does that.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/196.html

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In this episode, God praises the people for freeing their (Hebrew) slaves - and then threatens to kill them for taking them back.

God also rewards the Rechabites for not drinking alcohol, planting crops, or living in houses.

So is God against slavery, drinking alcohol, agriculture, and houses? I don't know, but he seems to be in these chapters.

Also in this episode, Jeremiah's book is read to the people three times. Then the king reads and then burns it. And Jeremiah has his scribe Baruch write down all the rods in the original book - along with even more, but similar words.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/195.html (change for episode)

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God told Jeremiah to put a yoke on his neck and go talk to the kings that were visiting king Zedekiah. He told them that God had given everything on earth to Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon, who would put a yoke on their necks and force them to serve him. God would slaughter any nation who refused.

But a prophet named Hananiah had a different prophecy. He said that God had broken Nebuchadnezzar's yoke and that the people would soon be free from him. To make his point, Hananiah broke Jeremiah's yoke.

Then God, who doesn't like good news prophets, killed Hananiah, along with two other prophets (Ahab and Zedekiah) who also tried to spread the good news.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/194.html

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In this episode, God gives Jeremiah a cup of wine and tells him visit each king on earth, forcing them to drink from it until they get drunk, vomit, and fall down. Then God will kill them all with a sword.

Dead bodies will cover the ground from one end of the earth to the other. No one will mourn or bury them. They'll be like dung on the ground.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/193.html

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Jeremiah 19:9 is one of the worst verses in the Bible. In it, God says that he will force parents to eat their children and friends to eat their friends. It's hard to imagine anything worse than that.

But there is also something nice that God says in this episode. He says we should defend the helpless and be kind to orphans and widows. (If we don't he'll kill us.)

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/192.html

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God makes his intentions clear in this episode. He's going to punish the people of Judah with unspeakable torments because of something their king (Manasseh) did a hundred years ago. And any prophet who says otherwise is a false prophet.

God tells Jeremiah not to get married because if he does, God will kill his family and feed them to the birds and beasts.

When the people reject his prophecies, Jeremiah tells God that he wishes he'd never been born and asks God to kill them all.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/191.html

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Did you hear about the time God told Jeremiah to go to the Euphrates River and put his underwear in a hole in a rock? Yeah, well that's in this episode.

God also tells Jeremiah that he's going to get everyone drunk and then smash them all together, children and parents, killing them all.

The text and notes for this episode can be found here: https://skepticsannotatedbible.com/fewer-words/190.html

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