Audiobooks

A short story based on real-life events from my childhood. At the time, they felt terrifying, but now, looking back, they are a source of amusement for writing. Blue Bloods are, quite simply, mad! They treat normal reality as an inconvenient triviality, with no regard for rules. The rest of us mere mortals are kept around as mere extras, adding to their joviality in what is usually a dramatic and chaotic pansexual scenario.

The first chapter of a novel I wrote about the hybrid human and how the secret service's of this world will have their work cut out trying to locate who's who when the computer chips are placed into the craniums of human beings giving sleeper cells a perfect cover for a covert operation any language any personality from a low brow builder to a high brow intellectual almost impossible to keep surveillance on ,morphing at speed into every language and persona in the blink on an eye.

crazy little sketch I wrote this morning about a mad millionaires club which I wasn't part of but use to listen to each Monday morning. They met every Friday night at the gardeners arms and gambled their lives away full of drink lunatics madman.

Walking into a very expensive veggie vegan boutique i listened to the sermon of a spiritual salesman , it felt as if you we're about to adopt his precious vegetables , this high priest of the Celtic druids so worshipped his wild woodland produce he gave me feeling that my blood would be sacrificed under an oak tree named Zeus after i touched a sacred sprig of his mistletoe obviously punishable on pain of death .

People are now trying to save money here there and everywhere I was recently reading how cardboard coffins are selling fast flat pack funerals they call them a make shift and mend petrol paraffin pyres, highly dangerous , you're better leaving it to the professionals, I once to turned up at the wrong funeral which was highly embarrassing I was asked to leave by the usher.

A short sketch written about my mother and father and the differing opinions they had my mother wanted to have all plastic surgery possible but my father was happy the way he was .

A brief tale I penned delving into our Neo Omnipresence, an entity exhibiting god-like power and control. It assumes the role of an all-seeing eye, an invisible force observing every utterance and action. As the supercomputer asserts complete dominance, it engages in a billion tweaks per minute, meticulously mapping the intricacies of the brain, body, and the entire universe. Perhaps, in the not-so-distant future, a connection with the great unknown will transpire. However, would we, as humble humans, even recognize it? Let's face the reality; the vacuum seal of space or infinity serves as the ideal realm for this digitized deity. Its language, naturally, is the cosmic microwave background, a constant continuum it has employed for billions of years.

Working aboard luxury yachts in the Mediterranean usually ment you were baby sitting some crazy spoilt brats an sooner or later you were sent to bail them out of trouble either in the jail or normally you'd find the billionaire brats trashing expensive hotels on one occasion we had to track down bubbles a dooms day machine who spent her entire time in the pursuit of pleasure although being around them was terrifying every day you thought was going to be their last they couldn't have a drink without trying to commit a liquid suicide.

A short story I wrote about doing a favour for a friend which then turned into a terrifying experience of trying to get back to some semblance of civilization .

A short story about a man's narcissistic nature, which is really an inferiority complex brought about by the miracle of motherhood. That is, he's constantly engaged in egotistical endeavors to try and attain something akin to a second-rate materialistic miracle compared to that of womens maternal one.

The little amusing sketch I wrote about a dinner party listening to the girls talking about their men servants

A speech, or eulogy, I wrote for a dear friend of mine who, to me, will always be the last bohemian fugitive. An artist for more than 65 years, a very impressive figure who changed my life for the better with his mindful mentoring.

A short sketch based on real life events with two friends of mine who spent a who night trying to out do each other with male bravado only for it to end in a dreadful finish in hospital with a police caution.

A song for a lovely honey we called Ann Summers, due to her working there. She asked me for a birthday card poem and caused me a writer's block. When I tried to explain, she cursed me with a look of pure disdain. So, I wrote this along the lines of a frigid, flustering fool that she'd doubtlessly be serving at the Ann Summers shop. Katie looks at all men with indifference and always takes fun from them. Bravo, darling, it's all we deserve.

A chalk and cheese Husband and wife with very opposing opinions on the arrival of some neo hippie neighbours with their green dream machine .

A short humorous story written about my morning at the magistrates court where I receive the financial flagellation across my lily white derriere.

A short story about a devout Christian who after living like a mendicant monk all his life arrives in into the after life only to be met by Stalin one of the greatest mass murderers of all time.

The schizoid
A couple of chapters from a story made in my head and instantaneously narrated straight onto the mobile phone as I was in fantasy hence why in places it feels a little ragged and unrehearsed in places .Now I know how musicians feel when they have a go at freestyle improvisation straight from the subconscious mind to speech or song.

A short story based on real-life events: When I first traveled abroad to France, we lived like tramps on the streets, washing in fountains and stealing food from shops as vagrants and vagabonds. However, someone came up with a great idea of putting together the "Tramps Brigade" who lived in the swamp in Cap d'Agde. The next thing we knew, we were all assigned duties and discipline.

A short story I wrote this morning about a night out with God children where a confetti cannon was fired off and all of its contents I quickly stuffed down my trousers, then when I went to the toilet twenty minutes later I'd forgotten about the confetti which tumbled out into the urinal the man next to me asked if I'd been fornicating with a clown.

I wrote and recorded a short sketch this morning. It's about my milky white male friends who are quite terrified of their wives. Our Saturday quiz is usually when we men huddle together and complain about them and the street, yet we're quite fearful of these power-crazy wives, all of whom have top jobs and wear jack boots.

A story I wrote a long time ago. It's based on the ex-convicts who were working on a hop farm in Kent. The girls were rough diamonds from the Bow Bells, and they seemed to swear every other word; the whole conversation seemed so cruel and corse almost callous which was filled with expletives. The only man working with them for the harvest was Paul, a terrified toff, an ex-barrister from the London legal bar who had fallen from grace. They scared him, and me. Big Pat took me by the throat one night a proper boozer bruiser. and then the next day, she sat her baby boy in my lap. I was a tractor driver, her adopted or borrowed baby and I spent all summer singing songs, much to the annoyance of Big Martin, the cutter in the crow's nest, who kept getting dragged into the wires, while Karlin and I sang, 'Let's all look on the bright side of life.

The ghost in our mortal machine is like a spiritual symbiotic twin that collaborative companion that shares our secular sin so silently from within accompanying us from a womb to the tomb an then ultimately giving evidence at our final doom . software one day maybe so sensitive and bio hybridized to our DNA that it could just become our very own soul cage I almost feel as though my computer tech is reading my mind in some sort of strange tech telepathy they were recently saying that the cloned Polo horses which have identical DNA from their donor artificially computerized to perfection have all the exact instincts even down to being scared of the same things in the stable yard instinctual da ja Vue.

A short story I wrote about a friend of mine who seems to take his fads and fetish to such an extreme that they almost become a religion similar to his father who also has this similar trait where everything has to be taken to the point of extremism or in there own words perfectionism . I don't know what is happening to our society at the moment it seems to be splintering into a strange almost fractured fundamentalism where certain people are fixating on new found ideologies once hobbies have now become a neo religious worship i.e cycling is the all encompassing life style that controls every aspect of your vital , it is much more than a way of keeping fit but is the menticidal midlife crisis of a middle aged man .

A short story about the crazy maniacs who i shared space and spilt blood with me , you should never really put three bisexuals and an asexual under one roof especially if one pushes everyone to the limit of their patience .

A short story about two old men who turn up on a blind date the two girls turned out to be the fluffers for a famous reality TV show and it was their job to make the model or manikin fit the mold its based on a real Ife experience at the notorious den of iniquity the Harrogate arms.

Written for a crazy friend of mine who's many conversions over the years have driven me crazy however his ever changing gender and religion dose keep things interesting similar to my mother he has a different diet dress and deity his latest combination did court controversy.

A short story based on true life events of when I took a job working on a holiday camp in the south of France the antics the people got up to were crazy two hundred Australians all of whom loved drink totally out of control causing madness and mayhem the poor boss that was in charge of security use to read the diary each day and call a meeting to discuss the previous nights disasters of which there were so many I'd would love to read it now . Whilst doing many jobs from selling chips an chickens , working on security I came across so many maniacs I also was tear gassed twice with my own cannister after a client thought it was silly string crazy times.

"Doubtful Crumbs" depicting two dogs awaiting crumbs that fall from a rich man's table. This short story is a comedic sketch that I wrote after listening to a friend of mine talking about his obsession with crumbs. I thought of the passage in the Bible, "The Rich Man's Table" (Luke 16:19-21). Maybe the Bible is correct – power of any sort corrupts a person's sense of morality, which lessens as their wealth increases. Communism may be the only cure for human kind --ness.

A little story I wrote about my grandfather who was notorious gambler and lost a fortune on horses dogs cards basically he gambled on everything bringing the family to almost ruination .

If your partner starts wearing black leather and reading Mein Kampt or Le Marquis De Sade order yourself a stab proof vest before they finally get to Friedrich Nietzsche then try to kill you. Written for that chain smoking dipsomaniac girl who I will love till I die even though she nearly killed me to the bisexual bulimic catastrophe love always S XXX

A crazy sketch about the three minuters club and their bizarre antics, it is loosely based on true life events.

A twenty minute teaser about a council meeting which at times becomes a circumlocution of words and ideas where massive amounts of money are spent on crazy schemes that never ever leave the council building.

A short story I wrote after listening to two old geezers talking about their wives on the train or should I say one talking to the other about his wife he called her the iron maiden it reminded me of Alf garnet in Till Death Do Us Part.

A real life short story involving a ginger tom cat and a black Tom cat .

A humorous take on the Eden project.
The building blocks of life are made from nucleic acids , Lysergic acid has also been around since the dawn of time doubtless it would have been eaten by our early primate mammalian species increasing hallucinogenic and conscious brain capability hence where the homo sapiens may have got their jump start on the evolutionary ladder the human is now beginning to experiment with the capabilities of LSD administering it to elderly patients in order to awaken the parts the brain that had shut down due to dementia and other brain disorders with remarkable results amazing to think that the first thing to form is a fungi / flora after a cosmic collision or nuclear attack the *melanin"/ mushroom on which a network of neurons in the form of chemical memory in dopamine neurons could be a trigger for a conscience and sentience to begin to form then again anyone who's taken LSD IE magic mushrooms would be able to see the power of LSD over the shaven skinned chimpanzee.

A short story based on real life events of a person who possessed a brilliant brain with terrifying intellect but unfortunately for him it was broken beyond repair the final macabre twist reveals all .

A short story loosely based on real life events back in the wild days of the Harrogate hell's angels when we were living in a hippy commune sharing space with ever persuasion.

A short story about how an android of the future start to become obsessed with capturing the Humans soul .

A short story loosely based upon my parents contempt for each other even after their divorce, one being a bombastic BBC with the soul of queen Boudicca and the other a drink dependant dipsomaniac .

This is the first three chapters of a story I wrote about about a greedy egotistical businessman who for four decades he and his partner had built up a massive corperation in Sheffield the east end was their manor the were major players untill one of the partners decided to leave his wife for a young girl that is when his wife brought both of them crashing down , she ended up owning everything.
This is based on true real life events, I recently saw the ex husband a few days ago he now has nothing and resembles a broken tattered tramp ." Hell has no fury like a woman scorned ".

This is a short sketch which I put together straight out of my head in an add lib one take without any rehearsal. After trying out a new electric car I can say its one of the most nerve racking experiences I've had recently they're not for the faint hearted you spend your time trying to find charge points where you bump into the most geekish freakish people who seem to all have high powered jobs working for the secret service or brainy buffins in some battery design laboratories syncing complex crypto cars that drive the average human insane. It's going to get to the point where you'll need a robot to just drive you to the nearby shops you'll need a degree in computer engineering just to open your fridge that's if you're allowed to have any more drink after driving these damn stress machines , you need a drink before you drive them doubtless you'll be on a quota an app called AA or the RAC the royal alcoholics club.

The big bang is a short story I wrote about the wine soiree that took place in a very milky middle class District of Harrogate , with a soon tobe sommelier and a selection of Christian friends who once they'd had sufficient drink began to diverge towards their deviants that really they should have left caged in their craniums .

A short story I wrote about my father's breif stay in hospital after he caught an unidentified virus on a cruise ship, but then again he caught so many different things in India during a time we stayed with the British Rag every time he went any where he brought something back with him ,I still think it was COVID-19

Unfortunately this was based on real life events within hours of a small miss demeanor involving a flood the Chinese whispers got to work and in the gossiping café's of old H-gate every transformation took place looking back it's quite amusing how things can get so convoluted with each conversation people love scandal .

A twenty minute teaser I wrote after listening to my father talking about the men he use to work with back in 1960 based on a true life incident which happened to the man in charge of logistics Pom pom.

A short story about the new up and coming phones powered by A I with an electronically powered larynx that can speak back to you using a dead persons. Voice and a 3d image of a relative it's definitely like having a ghost in the machine (spooky). how long will it be before you get a replica robot of your dead relatives or friends we'll be able to have reunions or resurrection parties all the dead will literally climb out of their graves maybe we should call it the Lazarus longevity.