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The Ugly Duckling Diary

The Ugly Duckling Diary

By Mags Thomson

Welcome to The Ugly Duckling Diary (formerly SwanWaters Healing Podcast) where I, Mags Thomson, will be reading to you from my book!

The Ugly Duckling Diary invites you to explore emotional abuse as I recount my own experiences and help you make sense of this power dynamic. This book is a potent combination of powerful storytelling and practical resources and although this may feel like a heavy topic, there will be plenty of giggles along the way because I am here to uplift my fellow survivors and help them find life beyond abuse
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E56 - House of Mirrors

The Ugly Duckling DiaryJan 20, 2019

00:00
29:32
Understanding Emotional Abuse
Jun 02, 202322:02
The Parental Prequel
May 26, 202319:55
The Letter on the Kitchen Table
May 19, 202315:59
First Things First
May 12, 202318:02
Coming Soon: The Ugly Duckling Diary Podcast!
May 06, 202304:39
Financial Abuse

Financial Abuse

Aubrey and I (under my previous screen name, Monkey) once discussed Financial Abuse in a podcast.

Dec 24, 201901:06:28
Love-Bombing
Dec 24, 201940:50
Identified Patient

Identified Patient

In this podcast from 26 August 2015, we delve into the concept of the Identified Patient. The term is used in family therapy to describe the situation where one family member is labelled as "the problem child", and has all of the family issues projected onto them. The identified patient is also often the person that looks for external help or shows the first outwardly signs of inner-turmoil.

Stephen Bach and Mags (under her previous screen name Monkey) look at this phenomenon from their own experiences and discuss how a similar situation can occur in other toxic settings too.

Nov 08, 201958:49
How Does Resilience Help With Life's Big Stuff?

How Does Resilience Help With Life's Big Stuff?

Resiliency Essentials: Resiliency is our ability to deal with BIG Stuff. We create more successful outcomes the more resilient we are, despite the obstacles and heartaches we all face in life.

Originally recorded in June 2016

As survivors of abuse, we sometimes feel we have to beat a lot of odds... I know that sometimes we feel so overwhelmed by life's circumstances that to the rational mind seem marginal, that we want to just give up. Because the prospect of even those small hurdles makes us remember the huge task of healing that lies in front of us. It makes us feel that we will never be able to deal with life's big stuff, the complications that every life knows and every person has to face.

Develop resilience and be brave. There are days when it is very discouraging. You have to develop personal resilience to environmental things that come along. If you let every single environmental challenge knock you off your game, it's going to be very, very hard. Renee James

In today's podcast, I speak with Michael Ballard about resilience. How we can train ourselves to become more resilient, and how those skills will help take the edges of the big and small issues we face on our path.

About Michael Ballard:

Michael is an author, speaker, trainer, and consultant. He travels the world helping people learn how to add more resilience into their lives at home, work and community. Michael specialises in helping people, families, organisations and communities learn how to thrive with resiliency. Resilience is a process, a set of key assets, skills and beliefs that can change our lives. Resiliency can change the quality of our journey and often the quality of the outcomes. Connect with Michael on Twitter and Facebook or check his website www.ResiliencyforLife.com for more information. 

Resources:

Michael asked to make these resources available to help you with your resilience journey.

Resiliency Essentials - Resiliency is our ability to deal with BIG Stuff. We create more successful outcomes the more resilient we are, despite the obstacles and heartaches we all face in life.

Turmoil Breathing - Turmoil breathing is a process and skill set for staying calm and clearheaded during very challenging situations.

More breathing/meditative resources by Michael are available here.

Self-Leadership Skills Model - Phase 1 | Phase 2


Oct 28, 201942:13
Building Confidence and Courage

Building Confidence and Courage

In today's episode I respond to a quote I found recently: 

“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage.” 

Dale Carnegie 


- Fear and insecurity can freeze us into place 

- Fear will not go away by staring at it 

- You can start with the smallest possible steps 

- Being successful at the small steps starts building your confidence

Oct 11, 201908:03
How Mags Realised Her Family Was Abusive

How Mags Realised Her Family Was Abusive

I recorded this 30-minute podcast a few years ago. In it, I share my own story of becoming conscious of the abusive situation I was in, and how that lead me to cut all contact with my family. 

Want to learn more about escaping an abusive situation? Check out this free Healing Academy module: https://swanwaters.com/preparing-escape-abuse/

Oct 09, 201930:40
Co-Parenting with a Toxic Person - Part 2
Sep 27, 201929:37
Co-Parenting with a Toxic Person - Part 1
Sep 13, 201933:08
E76 - Rewriting The Narrative

E76 - Rewriting The Narrative

 When we are addressing triggers and trying to heal from traumatic experiences, we need to change the stories we tell ourselves. Have you ever had an extremely emotional response to something that turned out to be pretty trivial? Well, looking back at that moment, you can probably reconstruct the story you told yourself. They often go something like this:

Better not forget my bag on the bus 

Yeah, you're going to forget that bag, and it's going to cause problems 

You can't be trusted even to bring along your husband's things

See, you're a failure at EVERYTHING 

You are worthless!

Or at least, that's how my brain would respond to such a thing happening. Of course, you won't forget the bag... but it's a rabbit hole.

So, how do you stop that story of doom from running through your mind every time something unexpected happens? That's what today's podcast is about.

Mags explains how you can change the stories that are triggered and create lasting change.

Main Take-Aways:

  • To change the stories, we have to address how we feel about our triggers. 
  • We cannot change from a place of fear.
  • Desensitising is a great strategy, but we can't bully ourselves in that process
  • Encouraging ourselves from a loving compassionate place means taking baby steps
  • It also means celebrating all the progress we make 
Aug 18, 201916:10
E75 - What Aubrey Learned About Managing Triggers

E75 - What Aubrey Learned About Managing Triggers

In the PTSD module in The Healing Academy, I share strategies Aubrey taught me for coping with my triggers. She based those strategies on the work she did in The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, a resource she still recommend to anyone dealing with PTSD and other high-stress situations.

Here are five life-changing lessons Aubrey got from this book, and my (Mags) reaction and viewpoints on those.

If you want to read along with Aubrey's writing, you can find it here:  https://swanwaters.com/aubrey-learned-managing-triggers/ 

Jul 21, 201925:36
E74 An Introduction to PTSD and Toxic Relationships

E74 An Introduction to PTSD and Toxic Relationships

In this podcast Aubrey and Mags (under her previous screen name Monkey) talk about everything from what it is, to how it can manifest.

Links to Resources:

Do you want to learn more about PTSD, how it can affect you and how you can cope with triggers and flashbacks? Check out the PTSD module in The SwanWaters Healing Academy: https://swanwaters.com/your-brain-on-ptsd/


Jun 23, 201901:04:04
E73 - Building A New Life

E73 - Building A New Life

Note: This audio was recorded as a Facebook Live, and it's not the best I've ever recorded. However, I felt the message was worth sharing. 

When leaving abuse, we undoubtedly leave a whole life behind. We have to redefine so much of who we are and how we do things. It can be overwhelming. In today's episode I talk about how you can take charge of your transformation and healing.

Main Take-Aways

* Becoming self-aware helps us better manage our emotions

* Taking charge of the things you control, will take away some of the fear and annoyance about the things you can't.

* The more we feel we are responsive, rather than reactive, in our life, the more resilient we feel and the more positive choices we can make

Jun 02, 201904:37
E72 - Embracing The Imperfection

E72 - Embracing The Imperfection

However hard you try, however much you prepare and try to control your circumstances, even under the best of circumstances, your life is not going to be perfect. 

Main Take Away:

* Just because things are not the way you'd dreamed, or wished, or imagined, doesn’t mean they are not enjoyable, and memorable.

* Instead of focusing on the imperfection, focus on the unexpected fun that the solution created. Or how the mistake highlighted something great about your life.

May 26, 201906:23
E71 - Compassion Grows Compassion

E71 - Compassion Grows Compassion

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags discusses the way that we can be our own worst enemies (and that we need to be more compassionate toward ourselves in our healing journey).

  • Many survivors find it easier to show compassion to other people than they do to show it to themselves
  • The more we repeat loving messages to other people, the more we hear them and can apply them to ourselves
  • Helping others enables you to heal yourself
May 19, 201907:53
E70 - From Victim To Survivor
May 12, 201908:11
E69 - The Story of Aubrey Cole and Captain Crazy
May 06, 201901:28:08
E68 - Focus On Yourself
Apr 29, 201906:06
E67 - Having The Feels

E67 - Having The Feels

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags talks about the way we get too hard on ourselves when we're experiencing lots of emotion during the healing journey.

Main Take-Aways:

• You can feel conflicting emotions at the same time. E.g.like joy at not being around toxic family members but ALSO feeling sadness because you love them. They're not mutually exclusive.

• In the beginning of the healing journey, it's normal to get overwhelmed by your emotions to the point of not even recognizing what they are. But over time, you will recognise and process your emotions more quickly and with greater ease.

• Self-awareness is a key part of developing the above skill. Check in with yourself by asking "What am I feeling and WHY am I feeling that?"

Listen to the whole episode here: www.anchor.fm/swanwaters

Apr 22, 201907:32
E66 - The Pendulum Swing

E66 - The Pendulum Swing

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags talks about the back and forth of emotional experiences, behaviors, and beliefs when you heal.

Main Takeaways:

• When you're healing, you can go from being lax about boundaries, for example, to being overly militant and forceful with them; to the point that you overprotect them

• It's totally normal to swing from not being able to communicate boundaries to being too forceful when you enforce them and end up being rude

• Eventually, as you heal, the pendulum swings less and you learn how to adjust; becoming more confident in your ability to communicate and enforce boundaries

Listen to the full episode here: www.anchor.fm/swanwaters


Apr 15, 201908:29
E65 - Healing In Circles
Apr 08, 201912:28
E64 - The Not So Subtle Art Of Healing
Mar 31, 201908:30
E63 - Time For A Break
Mar 10, 201907:04
E62 - Healing Is A Verb
Mar 03, 201905:05
E61 - Quality Over Quantity
Feb 24, 201908:48
E60 - Productivity In Healing

E60 - Productivity In Healing

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags discusses the way we take the capitalist value of productivity over humanity into our healing journey with us.
 

Main Take-Aways
• You can't heal to a schedule. You do it in your own time as you navigate triggers and the curve balls that life throws your way 

 • Instead of focusing on the ways you're NOT healed, focus on your healing milestones 

• Make small, attainable goals instead of expecting yourself to be able to tackle big, unrealistic ones 

If you liked this topic, click the following link to access The Healing Academy where we'll support you and equip you for life after abuse:  www.swanwaters.com/join

Feb 17, 201906:14
E58 - Brainwashing You For Good
Feb 03, 201907:50
E57 - Carrie Stages a Hostile Podcast Take-Over
Jan 27, 201901:09:47
E56 - House of Mirrors
Jan 20, 201929:32
E55 - Setting Yourself Up For Success

E55 - Setting Yourself Up For Success

So often, as soon as we wake up our mind flood with everything that we should be doing that day. All the chores and tasks that are on our mental to-do list. From the moment we wake up, we find ourselves in a state of overwhelm, because (if you are anything like me) we usually add too much to that mental list.

We immediately begin to think of contingency plans. What can we knock off that list? There goes a long relaxing shower! Bye bye 30 minutes with a magazine and a cuppa! Everything that isn't urgent is off. But what is that if the fluff that keeps you sane? The self-care that is crucial to your healing? What if, rather than assuming you won't finish all your goals for the day… you plan to actually have your cake and eat it too?

Main Take-Aways

  • Start your day with intentions, rather than to-do lists.
  • Set smaller, attainable goals for the day
  • Take a moment to breathe, and just be
Jan 14, 201905:60
E54 - Make Your Chores Count
Jan 06, 201912:24
E53 - Productivity In Healing
Nov 25, 201808:18
E52 - Oppressive Religion & Religious Trauma Syndrome

E52 - Oppressive Religion & Religious Trauma Syndrome

Before you get started with today's episode, I just wanted to address the fact that we are going to be talking about religion today. Religion is usually something we stay clear of because this topic is quite triggering for us and other survivors of spiritual and religious abuse who are part of our community. This is why we ask our members to stay away from religious expression, unless… it is part of your story or experience.  This request has led to quite a few questions, so… 

Today, we are talking about religious abuse and religious trauma syndrome. That means we are obviously talking about religion as part of our stories. 

>> Special Guest: Brady Hardin <

Brady Hardin is one of the hosts of The Life After Podcast. In it, he and his co-host, Chuck Parson, interview special guests with diverse, life-changing exoduses away from oppressive forms of Christianity. Brady was part of a fundamentalist church where he was committed to dedicating his life to the faith and was on course to becoming a pastor or church planter. When he turned to his pastors for help with his failing marriage, that planned trajectory soon changed. It eventually led to the breaking up of the marriage, and his leaving the church. 

*Carrie quotes Tash Agaffanof about grace being given by God to people, not people to other people.

Find out more about Brady: 

Website: https://www.thelifeafter.org/ 

Podcast: https://www.thelifeafter.org/podcast 

Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/thelifeafterorg/videos/508652112862038/ 

Brady's Story: https://www.thelifeafter.org/spiritual-abuse-religious-trauma 

>> Links to Resources <

Here are the resources we mention in this podcast: I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough" - Brene Brown: https://amzn.to/2qJ7efG (I reference some information that I got from this book) 

10% Happier - Dan Harris (book: https://amzn.to/2T5mmB1 | podcast: https://www.10percenthappier.com/podcast/) 

The Power of Myth - Joseph Campbell (book: https://amzn.to/2PNG6dJ | Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/70281117 (availability depends on your location))

Nov 19, 201801:22:47
E51 - Two Things Can Be True At Once
Nov 12, 201810:40
E50 - The Blissful World Where the Narcissist Is Never To Blame

E50 - The Blissful World Where the Narcissist Is Never To Blame

In this episode Carrie and I talk about an old blog post entitled: The Blissful World Where the Narcissist Is Never To Blame. You can find the post here: https://swanwaters.com/the-blissful-world-where-the-narcissist-is-never-to-blame/ We also reference a video by Kit Kennedy, which you can find here: https://kitkennedy.com/2018/10/09/what-to-do-if-you-or-someone-you-love-is-in-a-cult/ Carrie mentioned this video by Terri Cole on co-dependency, which you can find here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mc3gRqRPlJU&feature=youtu.be More on the Healing Academy can be found here: https://swanwaters.com/join/ If you want to hang out on Facebook, you can head here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/SwanWaters/
Nov 05, 201834:17
E49 - The Best Revenge
Oct 29, 201808:22
E48 - The Passing of My Father
Oct 22, 201820:49
E47 - The Terrifying Euphoria
Oct 15, 201812:19
E44 - Road Trip of Narcissistic Abuse

E44 - Road Trip of Narcissistic Abuse

This week I am joined my spiritual mentor and energy healer Jacqui McGinn. We talk about the effects of narcissistic abuse and focus especially on belief, disbelief, and mindset.

- Disbelief is equally powerful as belief
- Emotional abuse lacks tangible truth that makes it "easy" to remain oblivious
- Seeing the abuse is terrifying, and some people chose not to see it for that reason
- Coming to terms with abuse means questioning your entire reality
- Happy, healthy people don't usually hurt other people
- Narcissistic people are stuck in their trauma and create a world of disbelief around them. Everyone around them is dragged into this world of lies
- You stop relying on your own observations, thoughts, and emotions
- Emotions are our truth-tellers and we stop listening to them
- It takes time to rebuild your confidence
- The narcissist has to put people down in order to feel better about themselves
- Labels aren't always necessary, all we need to do is ask: is this loving behavior?
Sep 24, 201839:11
E43 - The Villain Is So Good at Playing the Victim
Sep 17, 201830:46
E42 - Moving Through Emotions When Overwhelmed

E42 - Moving Through Emotions When Overwhelmed

SwanWaters team member Carrie Maya talks you through her process as she deals with emotional overwhelm (it's real-time!)

- Where are you feeling the emotion?
- What is the emotion you are feeling?
- What is at the root of the feeling?
- Once you identify what's going on, come up with a plan of action
- Dealing with emotions can take quite some time

Remember
*Your feelings cannot hurt you*
Sep 03, 201809:08
E38 - You Are My Sunshine
Aug 31, 201802:48
E41 - Relationships with Others and Yourself

E41 - Relationships with Others and Yourself

Today's episode was originally recorded as a Facebook Live. I answer the questions left for me in the Facebook Group.

I talk about building and maintaining relationships and friendships.

- We may have learned toxic relationship tools in the past
- Our relationships are reflections of our relationship with ourselves
- So, what can we learn about ourselves from the issues we are experiencing?
Aug 27, 201809:20
E40 - Mistake or Abuse
Aug 20, 201811:10
E39 - Welcome to the Human Race

E39 - Welcome to the Human Race

Have you considered that some of your responses are not part of being a survivor of abuse, but simply the result of being part of the human race?

- Everybody gets stressed, anxious or worried sometimes
- Your lizard brain responds with the Flight, Fight or Freeze response
- Talk to friends about their experiences of stress - it will help
Aug 13, 201807:08
E37 - Celebrate Your Progress

E37 - Celebrate Your Progress

Healing is a learning curve, and it takes time and practice to get better at it.

***
We repeat what we don't repair
– Christine Langley – Obaugh
***

- STOP kicking yourself
- See and celebrate your progress
- Learning takes practice (unfortunately)
Jul 30, 201806:30