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Tankespjärn with Helena Roth

Tankespjärn with Helena Roth

By Helena Roth

Learning how to do gentle towards yourself can be, for you, the key to loving living life. At least, that's what doing gentle did to me, Helena Roth, once I understood that it was actually an option.

Imagine having turned 30+ before ever realizing it's possible to be gentle with myself. From that moment in time, I've re-learned how to be in the world - both inside and outside of myself. Here I will be sharing the tools and tricks I've picked up along the way, hoping it will help you transform from a victim of the epidemic of harshness into a proud practitioner of doing gentle.
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72. Dancing, a metaphor for life | with Özlem Tan

Tankespjärn with Helena RothSep 06, 2022

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All is not going to plan.
Jan 25, 202309:37
20. Own your reactions

20. Own your reactions

First published on my blog on August 18, 2020. Read the post here →


I am no longer willing to let myself be used as the scapegoat. I am no longer willing to step up when others claim that my words, my deeds, my actions, are what angers them, what upsets them or what scares them. Because in truth, it is their reaction to my words, my deeds, my actions, that angers, upsets and scares them.

This never means I get to act like a brute, avoiding responsibility for my words, deeds and actions. That’s on me.

What’s on you, is to do the same. To own your reactions.

You might well be angered or upset, even scared. But own it.

Don’t go here:
”You make me angry, upset, scared.”

Or here:
”Your words, deeds, actions, make me angry, upset, scared.”

Rather, try to find something like this place within:
”I felt angered, upset, scared by what happened within me when I came upon your words, deeds, actions.”

When both of us own our reactions, progress is possible. Connection, understanding and respect is to be had.

And I know, I cannot make you choose this. And it’s not for me to tell you what to do, or not do.
What I can do though, are two things:
I can strive to live up to this ideal, myself.
And I can be very clear with what is OK for me. To not swallow it, to not take it, should you happen to put your shit on me.

And that latter one, is where I have an opportunity to improve. To learn how to live it, to actually be someone who doesn’t take others’ shit. The outcome of that might well be that I also choose to not be with you, simply because I get to choose my company. And as peer pressure is very real and we become like those closest to us, I honor me by being very specific and particular in choosing whom I spend time with. Because that choice will impact me, making me be more –or less– of the person I want to be in the world.

And there’s nothing I want more than to surround myself with people who see and encourage the potential harbored within me, who positively challenge me to –always and already– be and become the better me.

Jan 21, 202304:46
19. Maybe violence isn't all that bad

19. Maybe violence isn't all that bad

First published on my blog on March 31, 2022. Read the post here →


Maybe violence isn’t all that bad?!

The first time I entertained that statement/question I shocked myself.

A long time ago (August of 2013) I wrote a piece entitled Violence is never the answer and I absolutely, one-hundred-percent believed it to be True. Capital T Truth. But now… No. I no longer think it is.

I am greatly influenced by Daniel Quinn and My Ishmael, where he speaks at length to this. I remember picking apples from my mother’s apple trees in the fall while listening to the audiobook. I’ve read the physical book before. I’ve listened to the audiobook before. But this time, happily picking apple after apple, I immediately ‘rewound the tape’ and re-listened to the chapter where violence is discussed in such a way that I all of a sudden saw beyond the violence, saw the reason for it, or at least a possible reason for it, in way’s I’d never before understood it.

As I worked on the transcript of my fifth conversation with Reddy, episode 49 on Tankespjärn with Helena Roth, where we spend much of the time playing (yes. Absurd as it might seem, play is the best descriptor, I think.) with violence, I heard myself say Maybe violence isn’t all that bad?!, knowing that if anyone can stomach me saying that, it’s Reddy. Which he did like a champ.

So, what about violence might not be all bad?

Well… Look at other species, and you will see more in-species fighting, and less between-species fighting. (Note, I write fighting, and not killing. Most predators hunt-to-kill other species, rather than rely on their own species for prey, but they fight with their own kind.) This has been true for humans too, for most of human life on earth. The in-species fighting has served the purpose of keeping other groups/tribes on their toes, making sure they don’t relax. (Which, incidentally, also is a way to keep the other’s as well as ourselves fit because who knows when they might return the favor?!). The concept of drawing first blood has sufficed, to a large extent, and not until the culture of Modern Man did we start to annihilate the others if they did not assimilate into our culture.

No longer settling for you are free to do what you do, as long as we are free to do what we do, the culture of Modern Man stated that you may no longer remain separate from us, rooted in your own culture and behaviours. You have to do what and how we do. Nothing else is acceptable.

The mash-up of this innate (?) trait–violence as a part of the way of nature–twisted, thwarted and manipulated by the culture of Modern Man, combined with technological advances, where you no longer have to be within arms reach to kill another person–has brought us to where we are today: A place where it’s easy, almost a given, to dehumanize the other, and where the effect of violence-at-a-distance wreaks havoc way beyond the concept of first blood.

So. 

Again. 

Maybe violence isn’t all that bad?!

But the violence I speak to is not the violence of today, where brutal, lethal force is applied at a distance, dehumanizing perpetrator and victim both. It’s as if we’ve turned up the volume too high on violence and need to turn it down again, to recalibrate violence to a level where it isn’t all that bad, again. Or?

Jan 17, 202305:50
18. It all impacts you

18. It all impacts you

First published on my blog on January 23, 2021. Read the post here →


The bottom line: Use discernment when choosing the company you keep, in all manners possible. Be it friends, books, newsfeeds or food, drink and exercise. And. So. On. It  a l l  impacts you, either short-, mid- or long-term.

The importance of the people I choose to spend time with, the books I choose to read, the podcasts I choose to listen to, the programs I choose to watch are as vital aspects of not simply sustaining me in all my glory, mind, body and soul alike, but to be regenerative, as the food I choose to eat, the drinks I choose to drink, the amount of movement and sleep I gift myself with.

Some of these things have an immediate effect, impacting me right off. Blood sugar levels, hydration, being moved to dance to a favorite tune or cry tears of empathy for the fate of a character in a TV-show. Knowing myself, being able to discern between what I truly need, what I want, what I crave, matters greatly, not taking all whims of mine as Truth to be adhered to, letting some slip by the roadside on account of not being in service, to me or those around me, near and far alike.

Others are more subtle, influencing me and the direction my life takes, the way my personal expansion behaves, in ways that might not be recognized in the moment. Like the slow turn of an ocean-steamer, taking miles upon miles to be effected, but in the long run causing the steamer to end up in a totally different place than if it hadn’t turned.

Like seeds sown. With a bit of water, sunshine and nourishment, of just the right kind, seeds will sprout and new growth will appear. Having a fondness for wild gardens, not too trimmed and well-kept, you might think I’d welcome any seed sprouting, any growth appearing, but alas. I do not. Some discernment exists even within my love for wild gardens.

I love trees, and yet, the oak saplings that are showing up at the edge of my garden will not be allowed to grow too big, because a fully grown oak tree in my small garden would totally dwarf everything else. It’s simply not appropriate  h e r e  however much I love and am fascinated by fully-grown oak trees in places where their presence is nothing but awe-inspiring.

So when choosing my company, in all manners of mind, body and soul, awareness and discernment are vital, or else something that does not serve me might sprout, grow and in time oust other plants, better suited in the wild garden that is me.

Jan 14, 202304:20
17. It came from me

17. It came from me

First published on my blog on November 25, 2021. Read the post here →


Riffing about an insight from the aftermath of my first divorce, where I had gotten the insight that whatever it was, it would not be accepted by my X, on the grounds of it coming from me.

It wasn’t what I said.
It wasn’t how I said it.

It was that I said it.
Or rather… it was that I said it.

When that was the case, he shut down.
Couldn’t, or wouldn’t, listen.

That was a hard lesson to learn for me.
To be so filled with ideas, feeling as if I had the fix for whatever the problem was, all the while realizing that there was nothing, bar telepathy, that I could use to share them.

It took me a few more years to internalize this in a way that I feel is beneficial and benevolent, because to start with this just gave rise to frustration and resentment. A malevolence, eating away at me, as well as towards my X.

In time though, I have come to be comfortable, at least now and again, with holding my tongue. Actually not experiencing the dire urge to blurt out whatever thought pops into my head, but to sit with it. Sometimes choosing to share. Sometimes content with keeping it on the inside, engaging in an inner dialogue with myself.

The snippet is taken from episode 30 The everyday creativity of music, coaching and meandering of Tankespjärn with Helena Roth, a podcast of meandering conversations, this one tfrom season two, with Andy Mort.

Jan 10, 202302:42
16. A dip in the sea

16. A dip in the sea

First published on my blog on January 4, 2019. Read the post here →


Headed for town, but before I took off on my bike, I packed a towel. Just in case. After recording a pod and having lunch with and at Caspian’s I decided: Yes. Today is the day for the first dip in the sea of the year.

So I rode to the pier farthest from town, the one designated for skinny dipping. Parked my bike, took a picture and started to undress. Gloves, beanie, winter coat. Shoes, jeans, long johns, woolen socks. Woolen sweater, long tee, and my woolen undershirt. Off it goes. All of it.

As I pull my sweater over my head, a door to a somewhat surreal universe cracks open.

Grabbed my towel and headed out to the pier.
Sunny, windy, 5 degrees tops. Probably the same temperature in the water.

Tie my towel to the pier to stop it from blowing away.
Waves.
Slippery staircase, hold on tight.

And in I go.
Hesitate… and I would never do it.
So I just take one step after the other, until I am up to my neck in the ocean.

Cold. Yes. Shockingly cold.
Fully manifest in that other universe. The am-I-really-doing-this-and-can-this-really-be-happening-universe.

Hyperventilate while two waves crash into me, then get out. One step after the other, until I am up on the pier again.

In the other universe, I get out, cold and wet… and all of a sudden, my skin starts tingling. The chill vanishes, the wind disappears, time seems to stop, and I am totally present to the beauty of it all.

The ocean.
The sun.
The wind.
The vastness.
And last, but not least, to myself. For doing it.
Living. Fully!

Grab my towel and rub off, while taking my time walking to the bike and my clothes.

Slowly emerging from the alternate universe, I dress, happy, pleased, not feeling any cold whatsoever.

My soul sings!
I did it.
First dip in the ocean this year, and I know this dip will be followed by many others.

Who would have known that taking a (cold) dip in the sea would let me travel to another universe?
Who would have known a dip in the sea would fill me with this most wondrous feeling?
How will you know, if you would experience something like it unless you give it a shot?

Jan 07, 202305:39
15. I'm an upholder. you?

15. I'm an upholder. you?

First published on my blog on September 24, 2017. Read the post here →


Listening to Jonathan Fields in conversation with his longtime friend Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project if you’ve read that book? I have. Enjoyed it. This conversation centers around The four tendencies, something which Gretchen apparently touched on in one of her earlier books, and then dove deeper into, making it the topic for her current book The four tendencies, a book I most definitely want to read after listening to this podcast.

The four tendencies centers on how we, as human beings, relate to inner and outer expectations – being prone to or resisting one or the other. The four tendencies are given names; Upholder, Obliger, Questioner, Rebel. More than 800 000 people have taken Gretchens simple online test to get a feel for ones own core tendency, and I turned out to be an Upholder. Not surprising, just from the podcast itself I felt the most connected to this tendency, and the online test confirmed it.

As I listen to the podcast (over and over again), clarity arises.

Clarity in why I am good at keeping promises to myself (such as meditating every morning and doing my daily Seven, such as promising myself to practice the guitar for twenty minutes a day for sixty days, and following through) but also towards others (meeting deadlines, keeping promises, getting the job done).

Clarity in why some people struggle with things that come naturally to me, because I can see other tendencies in them, giving me a greater understanding in what makes them tick, one way or another, which might make me become a better coach, mother, business partner and friend in the future.

Clarity as to how the assignment “to make people better at motivating others” isn’t about what works for me, but rather about the four ways there are to have people gain the most traction from their own inner driving forces. A Upholder meets both inner and outer expectations. For a Questioner understanding why is central making them meet their own inner expecations. The Obliger struggles and fails to meet inner expectations but readily meets outer ones. And at last the Rebel, resisting both outer and inner expectations, which to me sounds really tricky. I mean, what remains then? Spur of the moment, I guess?

If we all knew our own tendencies, and had sufficient knowledge about the other three, for sure that would make a huge difference in any setting we find ourselves in. At school, at work, with the closest family, with friends. Knowing my own tendency, which is actually quite rare, which means what works for me, won’t necessarily work for you. And if you and I both have some knowledge about our respective core tendencies, perhaps there is a greater opportunity for us to find common ground, to be able to stand by one another, being there for each other in ways that are truly helpful?

I am an Upholder, with leanings towards Questioner, I think. The test online doesn’t dig deep enough for me to truly distinguish the nuances in great detail; am hoping the book will. What are you?

Jan 03, 202306:60
14. Bliss

14. Bliss

First published on my blog on October 1, 2018. Read the post here →


Presence.
Closeness.

Finding me.
In your eyes.
Seeing and being seen.
In my yes. My no.
Lucidity is kindness, as always.
To breath; rebirthing, opening up, energies in flux. Loudly.

Body contact.
Hands caressing my body, soft as a feather.
The strength of an arm holding me close.
Letting my enjoyment be seen, heard.

Speaking out loud, my inner wish.
What I desire. Right now. With you and noone else.
To speak. Be granted my wish. Speaking another. Granted, yet again.
Daring to let go.
Daring to let me ask for, be granted, receive.
Revel.
Simply being with it. Being with.
Sensuality.
Caresses.

Not taking responsibility for anyone but me.
I. Here. For me. Not you.
You. Here for you. Not me.
In the space in between, We are created.
Multiple We’s.
Shifting. Growing. Weaved together, by laughter, eye contact, touch.

Shares. Laughs.
Truth and lies; more laughter. Frivolous and heartfelt, all at once.
That which is significant, and that which is insignificant.

Elemental massage. Like earth, fire, water, air, ether.
Heavy. Earthed. Grounded. Powerful. Well needed.
Surprised. Sweeter to receive than give, which gives me permission after the fact, for what I gave. Like a winter swim: tingling skin, awakened, alive. Blood flowing through my veins.
Rippling, sparkling. A moment of grace.
Softly, softly. Caressed by hair, by breath, by the outermost part of the fingertips. More, give me more!
Caressed by energy, by the force field generated by closeness and presence, even without physical contact. There is so much more to us, we reach far beyond our physical bodies.

The gift.
That I do. Dare. Let myself.
Give. Receive.
The exquisite thrill, heartfelt and real, far from ABC.
The amount of pleasure available to us in life, far beyond what I ever knew, dared, understood, thought myself able to.

Beginning to understand.
Bliss!

Dec 31, 202206:18
13. Betrayal occurs

13. Betrayal occurs

First published on my blog on June 12, 2020. Read the post here →

Betrayal occurs when those who have power see the trouble and look away. Betrayal occurs when people break promises, hedge on vows of help, protection, speaking for, standing with, withdrawing from acts of courage and acting preoccupied, indifferent, unaware, and so forth instead.

– Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run with the Wolves

I haven’t finished reading this book yet.
I thought I would be done by now because I did finish the book part of it earlier this week, but then, I peeked at the notes. And was hooked.

Imagine.
A book where the notes section – you know, with minuscule font size, page upon page, referring to something you simply cannot be bothered to flick back through the book to find… – draws you in. Where it contains almost the same amount of marginalia-worthy, dog-ear-enticing phrases and pieces of information as the book part of the book. Like this stanza.

Betrayal occurs when those who have power see the trouble and look away. Betrayal occurs when people break promises, hedge on vows of help, protection, speaking for, standing with, withdrawing from acts of courage and acting preoccupied, indifferent, unaware, and so forth instead.

Have you been betrayed?
I have.

Have you betrayed?
Looked away? Broken a promise, hedged on vows to help, stayed silent, pretending to be busy with other things?
I have.

I think there’s not a person on earth who would answer these questions differently.
And I don’t know that that is something to strive for.

But getting conscious about it.
When I betray – or even better, when I am about to. Giving me an opportunity to n o t.

Betrayal occurs when those who have power see the trouble and look away.

Daring to witness me, call me out on my own bullshit.
To n o t look away.
Not from the trouble, and not from me, trying to escape – myself?

Dec 27, 202204:38
12. A most memorable Christmas Eve

12. A most memorable Christmas Eve

First published on Creative Gallery in 2021. Read the post here →


Christmas?, I asked, only to hear my mom respond over the phone, without hesitation, No.
Ok, I replied, and that was that. Me and the kids, Benjamin at 16 and Alex at 21, at home for Christmas, unlike the normal Christmases, even though normal has never meant exactly the same every year. Venues have shifted, as has the number and constellation of family members. But often, Christmas has been spent at my mom’s place.

When I tell the kids, the idea that we don’t have to do, or eat, what we normally do on Christmas arises.
Said and done, we decide to cook dinner together, a non-Christmasy dinner. Benjamin asks Do we have to watch Kalle Anka? meaning the Donald Duck/Disney-one-hour collection of cartoons that’s been broadcasted on Swedish TV at three pm every Christmas Eve since 1960. I say No, but I probably will.

As the day approaches, I decide I will get the mulled (non-alcoholic) wine with peeled almonds and raisins, ginger bread and a saffron sponge cake – my mom had sent it our way a few weeks earlier, keeping vigil in the freezer until the time had come. And time had come. – ready by three pm, and that I would watch Kalle Anka, ensuring the kids they were free to do whatever they wanted.

Dec 24, 202208:56
11. Certainty is a closing of the mind

11. Certainty is a closing of the mind

First published on my blog on March 16, 2019. Read the post here →

Listens to Jonathan Fields on Good Life Project, interviewing Milton Glaser. Interesting and thought-provoking, as these podcasts usually are. However, one thing stood out enormously in this episode:

I’ve spent so much of my life in certainty. Ridiculously so, and only to a certain degree can I attribute this stance to youth and ignorance. I kept up that attitude for too long, to the detriment of my own well being.

I am experimenting more and more with the latter though – the doubting, the questioning, the exploration of new thought, new ideas, new ways of being and doing. And boy, does it ever make for a much more fun and exciting life! There is so much to discover in life, and that’s the road I want to travel.

But still, there are things I am certain of, I guess. But they become fewer and fewer. And I no longer believe my beliefs are permanent. It feels more like I am where I am today, believing whatever I have come to realize by this point of life, but who knows what tomorrow might bring? I sure don’t.

What are you certain about?

Dec 20, 202203:23
10. Calm to be had

10. Calm to be had

First published on my blog on March 27, 2020. Read the post here →

Last week as I stepped into the cold water of the ocean off the coast of Malmö in the south of Sweden, I had my phone with me. I’ve a habit to do that, now and again, as I record myself going in, staying in, sharing my experiences with cold bathing. What came out of my mouth that crisp spring afternoon, with sunshine and blue skies, as I was standing in the water, which, just like the air was around five degrees Celsius, was this: There is calm to be had.

The world has turned upside-down, for so many. A global pandemic is raging, and I fear that we’ve just seen the beginning of it. Cities, counties, countries and companies are closing down in varying degrees, and whatever was normal, no longer is.

And.
With all that going on.
There is calm to be had.

It’s easy to not experience calm right now.
I know that.
I see that.

I also know it’s equally easy to experience calm.
I know that.
I see that too.

There are many things I have no say in.
What my government is –or is not– doing. Whether or not the school my youngest attends will stay opened or not, and what will happen next, neither locally nor globally.
No. Say.

But there are many things I have a say in.
In what I choose to do with my days. How I spend them, regardless of external constraints. What I read. What I listen to. What interactions and conversations I engage in. If I seek out Drama, or not. If I stick to routines (as best I can) that serve me and my wellbeing.
If I show compassion and care. To me. And you. And us.
A. Say.

There is calm to be had.
And it matters whether or not I choose calm. Or not.
Because I matter. Just as you matter.

Can I always choose calm?
Yes. I can.
But I don’t.
Because I am human. And so are you. And that’s the way it should be.

The choice is still there though.
There is –always and already– calm to be had.

Dec 17, 202204:32
09. Ready to get out of your own costume

09. Ready to get out of your own costume

First published on my blog on July 21, 2021. Read the post here → 

Intimacy.
Into-me-see.

What armor do I have on me, preventing you from seeing-into-me?
(What armor do I have, preventing me from seeing-into-myself?
Oh, that’s perhaps the more significant question?)

What are the costumes I put on, that act as protection, a shield, admitting access into me only to a certain depth, often quite shallow?

I can step into costumes such as… being a mother. A sister. A wife. Colleague, neighbor, friend.
Or costumes where I am a clown, the joker, the wall-flower. A silent observer, all-lights-on-me, the dependable one. Or the victim, perpetrator, by-stander.

Oh. So. Many. Choices.

I have quite a few costumes in my wardrobe, some more used than others.

And.
It’s not  b a d  to have and use costumes.
They serve a purpose, for sure. Propping me up, acting as an exoskeleton when I don’t have what it takes within me to step into a certain role. But once I’ve learned the how’s and what’s of it, what then? What might be if I then get out of my costume, trying the waters all on my own?

That’s what I wanna get to.
To a more conscious use of costumes, far from an automatic, habitual use. Where I rely less and less on them, stepping into situations and relationships as me, more fully. Thereby opening up for the depths of me to be more accessible (yes, to myself, as well as others).

What costume/s do you habitually put on?

In meandering conversation with Mayke Vullings, we speak about intimacy and costumes, coming at it from two very different standpoints. In the end though, we are in complete agreement that we want to show up in life in ways that invites intimacy, and getting out of ones costumes definitely enhances the likelihood of more intimacy. To hear more, check out episode 13 Intimacy and into-me-see from the podcast Tankespjärn with Helena Roth.

Dec 13, 202204:14
08. Defense mechanisms

08. Defense mechanisms

First published on my blog on October 7, 2018. Read the post here →


Defense mechanisms.
How powerful they are.
They run automatically in situations where something (what? The soul? My psyche? That which is beyond human, the greater force behind all in the universe, Mind?) triggers me. Runs to protect me. It’s like a script triggered by a series of logical if-this-then-that-sequences gets flipped into action, and bam, I am no longer consciously running the show that is my life, but rather a passive bystander, possibly bearing witness. More likely a puppet, arms, and legs flailing, a defense mechanism in full swing.

How grateful I am that they exist, as they do what they are named for. They do defend me. Once in awhile though, they are triggered by a faulty sequence, having me defending myself, when there is nothing – or no-one – to defend myself against. I can also learn to go into a specific defense mechanism because it’s come to be a habit. Serving a purpose once upon a time, but no more. Where the trigger switch is a remnant of days long gone, making me react on a faulty premise.

I like observing. Myself. Others. Individual as well as group dynamics. Sometimes it’s hard not to ache for those who’s defense mechanisms no longer defends them. Quite the opposite. The defense mechanism of old has turned into a self-inflicting wound of today, triggered, again and again.

Without the power of observation and the habit of reflection (and doing gentle, by God, doing gentle towards oneself while reflecting!) it must feel like being repeatedly stabbed by a knife. Over. And over.

This has been me. I realize. As I write.

Perhaps there’s some trace of this behavior left in me… but it’s not prevalent. It’s not something which, when I look within, I can put a finger on and say Oh yeah, that thing, yes, that happens quite often. I don’t have any of those left, at least not in the way I live my life today. Perhaps there would be if my circumstances shifted. But they haven’t. So there aren’t any big ones left, so to speak. Not in me. But I do see it in others.

And it pains me. I try to stick to empathizing, as I do not want to sympathize. I do not want to pity or belittle. I try to take care of the pains I experience myself. Not always easy when I am pained on behalf of someone else. Well worth the effort though. What helps me stay centered is the adage from Byron Katie of My business, your business, God’s business. Some things are simply not mine to deal with

Dec 10, 202204:53
07. Judgment vs Discernment

07. Judgment vs Discernment

First published on my blog on May 7, 2018. Read the post here →

With curiosity and a wish for more, Tess picked up on the distinction between judgment and discernment in the post on Intuitive living, and I can only agree: it is a distinction which piqued my curiosity as well.

“You may have noticed that we have never discussed forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a concept of the All. Forgiveness implies judgment. Forgiveness implies right and wrong. Your Western culture and religions have created the concepts of sin and forgiveness as a way of controlling people’s minds. Judgment was created in this way. (You must understand judgment as being different from discernment. Discernment is an important skill to develop.) There is no place for judgment. The concepts of sin and forgiveness and redemption are not concepts borne out of Love. Love is within each one of you, bestowing mercy upon you in each moment of your existence.” [As voiced by Spirit.]


Full blog post on link above. 

Dec 06, 202207:37
06. Open.

06. Open.

First published on my blog on May 24, 2020. Read the post here →


Open.
To receive. To give.
Both actions require openness.
Otherwise nothing can come in; nothing can get out.

If I am not open to receiving, I am not open to giving either.

Being open is my default-state. And yet… I am not always open.
Sometimes I shut down, close up, not having enough energy to give, nor receive.
Both actions require energy.

It takes discernment and self-knowledge to know,
when it is time to shut the aperture, restricting intake as well as output.

Dec 03, 202202:27
05. Procrastination

05. Procrastination

First published on my blog on September 14, 2020. Read the post here: https://tankespjarn.com/procrastination/

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Website: https://tankespjarn.com/

Nov 29, 202206:31
04. Present to what?

04. Present to what?

First published on my blog on January 25, 2021. Read the post here → 

The bottom line: I get to experience that which I am present to, and not experience that which I am not present to, as I cannot be present to everything all at once.

I’m sitting in bed. It’s 8:24 am and I’ve just completed my regular Wim Hof breathing practice. Before that, I did a seven-minute pelvic exercise in my morning gown, standing in the kitchen awaiting the kettle coming to a boil. Just drank the by-now lukewarm cup of water, grabbing my iPad to do a bit of morning writing before getting up, for real.

Open PAGES, look at the screen.
Blank.

Raising my head, I look out the two windows facing me as I sit, propped up by pillows in my bed, and it’s snowing. Big flakes.

Surprised, I immediately put fingers to keyboard and start to write, only to look up again three minutes later… no snow.Snow flakes have given way to raindrops. Huh
Go figure.

In an instant.
There.
And then, not there.

If I hadn’t looked up.
I would have missed them, the snow flakes.
Makes me wonder.
How much do I miss?
And… kind of like the question if a tree that falls all by its own out in the forest actually makes a noise even with no one around to hear, I wonder if it actually matters? Do I miss out on things, if I do not know they exist? If I had missed out on seeing these snow flakes, not knowing that there was a brief interlude of heavy snowfall, just for a minute or two… would I really have missed out?

Doesn’t the missing-out-aspect require me to know what was, and know that I did not get to experience it?
Is knowledge a prerequisite to missing out on something or other?

Hah!
It’s now 8:33 and as I raise my head (this is what I do when I look for inspiration, my head and eyes tend to veer towards upper left), guess what?

Yeah.
Snowing.
Again.

I cannot be present to everything all at once.
I cannot be present to everything, period.

And what I am not present to I cannot experience.
What I am present to, I experience. And the better I get at being present, the deeper those experiences impact me. It’s as if I am thrown a piece of string, with each experience, a piece of string that I can then follow, outwards, beyond. To more experiences, to a wider perspective.

Snow. Rain. Snow.
Must be around freezing for that to happen, or perhaps a few degrees above. But not more. And definitely not less.
Will it cause slippery streets and pavements? Will people hurt themselves on account of this?
Might it snow enough for kids to be able to start a snow ball fight, make a snowman or even go sledding?
Will I have to shovel snow when I leave the house later today, for a walk?
Might it turn colder, affecting the five pieces of maple logs D brought this weekend, logs we intend to inoculate with mushroom mycelium? Is winter finally coming? What will we do with the logs then, how to keep them from freezing?

8:44.
Again. No snow flakes falling.
Part of a dance that might well continue if it wasn’t for the fact that I have a Zoom-meeting starting in fifteen minutes. I tear myself away from my musings, as I realize it’s high time to get out of bed to get ready.

What might I miss out on as a result?
And what might I experience?
To what am I present?

Nov 26, 202205:41
03. I'm not enough

03. I'm not enough

First published on my blog on January 10, 2017. Read the post here →

The feeling that I’m not enough. That no matter how hard I try, how hard I work, I will never be able to do enough, never able to do all that which I feel I should be doing. The frustration of not being able to make a difference, the difference I should make.

It’s not a feeling that I experience often anymore.
I used to. A lot. I had so many thoughts about what I should be doing, how I should be doing it, how fast it should be done and so on, infinitely. Know that feeling? Are you there? Or have been there?

I think a lot of us know that feeling. That’s what I perceive at least, looking at the world around me. Listening to friends and family, seeing their struggles with not being enough, never being enough. And I have to say… it really makes me question the way we’ve shaped society. Because I have a hard time to see how this serves anyone, let alone all of us collectively. I mean, you can argue that it makes people put their best effort to whatever it is they are involved in. But I honestly think it costs more than we get. The energy drained is more than what’s generated from those efforts, performed under stress, duress, unhappiness.

I, for one, know that when I stopped engaging so much with that type of thought/feeling, all of a sudden, I had so much more energy! The energy I used in beating myself up for not being enough, all of a sudden could be utilized for much more contructive things. I had energy to spare, to engage myself, to activate myself, to take better care of myself, to interact with the world around me in the way I want to show up in the world.

I am not enough.
It’s a thought. And perhaps, at times, it’s fact. That’s true. But I do believe, more often it’s an opinion. And as such, it’s worthwhile asking yourself How does this serve me? Asking that question might help you see the opinion for what it is, and realize that you have a choice in whether or not to engage in it, or not. Where’s your energy best spent, I ask? Beating yourself up for not being enough, or for more constructive things?

Nov 22, 202204:07
02. Slowing down to the speed of life

02. Slowing down to the speed of life

First published on my blog on August 19, 2020. Read the post here →

I turn off Spotify.
The pipes leading to the heaters gargle a bit, and a car drives by on the residential road outside. And there’s another one, farther away, on one of the larger streets a block or two away. My 16-year old son Benjamin semi-shouts Hey, hey upstairs, ensconced in his room, involved in a Valorant online-tournament with some friends, online-friends.
Car.
Another car.
And this ringing noise, slightly whining… is it but a figment of my imagination? Or perhaps, the residue of noise from just before, ruffling the sensory hairs in my ear canals, generating a high-pitched, yet more grass-rustling-in-the-wind-like noise.
I hear myself, breathing out. Breathing out again, and then, there, an even softer exhalation.
Benjamin scrapes his chair against the floor, which just so happens to be my ceiling, as he’s upstairs, and I am downstairs.
He laughs and yammers away, as I raise my head, looking out the window right in front of me, a head-movement accompanied by a crack in my neck, oops, another car on the street just outside the other window, the one to my right.
I’m sitting at the dining room table, the only table around, the kitchen too small for a kitchen table.
Look up again, another crack, but softer, more of a crick.
I inhale long, and deep, exhaling even longer.

In October of 2015, I went for a walk in the recreational park just across the street. It was a walk that etched itself deeply into my memories, as, for the first time, I s a w. I was more fully present to the beauty surrounding us, surrounding me, than I’d ever been before.

I don’t think I’ve ever experienced the beauty of fall as I am this year. And I don’t think fall has gotten more beautiful – I think the change is in me. I’ve never been so aware, never taken the time, to look, to see the colors, the contrast, the smell, the vibrancy. The energy!

Looking up once more, and yes, you know it, another crack.

It’s like an undulating wave, this paying attention and noticing. Now and again, I am at the peak of the undulation, totally present, attentive, noticing. Now and again, I am at the very bottom, lost to the world, nowhere close to the here and now. Most of the time, in movement along those undulations, headed towards attentiveness, or towards not-presenceness (a habit of mine. I make up words. Sometimes really good ones. Not sure this one qualifies though).

I started to slow down to the speed of life in 2013, perhaps even more so in 2014, and have kept on with that practice ever since. And I see now, as I sit here, that ringing tone still present within me, starting to believe it’s not within me after all, but something you might also hear, if you were here, sitting opposite me at the table, that me slowing down, simultaneously made me level up in the art of noticing and paying attention. Within, as well as without.

And I love it.
But, without a doubt, there’s a lot more attention- and noticing-powers within me, so I am upping the ante, willing myself to play around with this for the next few days (and… hopefully, forever and ever!).

Nov 19, 202206:22
01. Convince me

01. Convince me

First published on my blog on August 28, 2021. Read the post here: https://tankespjarn.com/convince-me/


Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tankespjarn/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/HERO_Respondi

Website: https://tankespjarn.com/

Nov 15, 202203:32
81. Tankespjärn in community | with Luke, Mandell and Kate

81. Tankespjärn in community | with Luke, Mandell and Kate

“The main aspect is always ‘Oh, these are people I would like to spend 10, 20 hours with!’ And I think that needs to be there because of the way the setup is.” ~ Helena

It has to be.

Otherwise I’d never make it to the end of season three, which is where we’re at right now.

Spending this long with every one of my partners in crime, if I didn’t like them, if the conversations didn’t flow, if they weren’t interesting and curious, this format would bomb. It just wouldn’t work.

Luckily.

It does.

At least for me. And my conversation partners – as each of them describe that somewhat surprised insight towards the end of the season, that we could keep going, because there’s no way to run out of stuff to talk about. It’s simply not possible, because what we are talking about is life.

Now.

I never KNOW this is what will evolve during the course of a season. I hope it will. I do my utmost not to expect it too though… and yet:

“You just said ‘the idea of hoping, but not expecting’ and where my brain immediately went was ‘Isn't that the practice of trying to be a graceful human?’ Ultimately there has to be that friction between hope and expectation. How do you have one without having the other? They feel so closely intertwined.” ~ Kate

Expectations are a favorite topic of mine, that I’ve written and talked about over and over again (and yes, it is in the book, in chapter 46!), and so it was fun to meander a bit around it with Luke, Mandell and Kate. And Caspian, hosting this group conversation just as he does them all.

And there’s real value in getting better at spotting your own expectations, not only because Mandell shared a bit of incentive from a podcast he recently listened to, where a marriage counsellor summarized it succinctly:

“People get divorced for one reason only: uncommunicated expectations. So whatever you expect, you don't get.” ~ Mandell

That does not mean we have to agree with everyone around us. On the contrary. I cannot imagine anything more boring than being in agreement with everyone in my life. Which is why it made me extra happy to hear one of Luke’s takeaways from our meanderings:

“To your point that it's kind of boring if everybody agrees on everything, yeah, I think that is what I’m taking away from this experience: more tolerance with people that I disagree with and more of a willingness to sit and hold stuff.” ~ Luke

And with that… [drum roll]: Season three is a wrap, everyone!

Season four won’t start just yet, but there will be something to listen to every week while I go into wintering, recharging my batteries, digesting all morsels of tankespjärn I’ve received during season three.

I hope you do the same, while also sticking around for a bit of extra tankespjärn-seasoning in the shorter episodes that will be published until season four is upon us.

Links:

Find Luke Aymon on Twitter

Mandell Conway you’ve find on Giving is like or LinkedIn

And Kate Inglis, is most easily found through her website

Not to mention Caspian Almerud , dear friend and pod producer

Oh, and you can now find me on Mastodon too: @helenaroth@mastodon.se


Nov 08, 202202:06:17
80. Responding to the dance of someone else | with Bella, Özlem & Caspian

80. Responding to the dance of someone else | with Bella, Özlem & Caspian

Season three is approaching the end, and we are concluding with two group-conversations (as we’ve never managed to get a date that works for all the participants of one season). Here you will meet me, Bella and Özlem, as well as Caspian, my friend and pod-producer, who will be facilitating the episode, to make sure we stay somewhat on topic.

Which might seem odd… What, a topic? And there is a topic to this episode (and the next), or at least there’s something that acts as an anchor, as I do want these topics to be a meta-conversation of sorts, about having taken part in these five meandering conversations.

But just somewhat

Cuz, you know… it IS a podcast of meandering conversations, and there’s just no way that aspect of it, that what want’s to happen-energy, would ever be anything but greatly welcome.

“These are meandering conversations. There isn't a topic, there isn't a specific purpose. The goal is to see where we are. And at first, that felt slightly disorienting. Later on I really, truly enjoyed the freedom that gave as well. I always enjoy deep conversations with friends, so this was, for me, an opportunity to dive deeply and quickly and bounce thoughts off of each other in a way that made us both think. And I love that. It's, to me, that's an essence of a wonderful connection.” ~ Bella

Another essence of wonderful connection was voiced by Özlem:

‘You're one of the few people [participating in the leadership training where we met] that I thought about going out and having a beer with, and I don't even drink beer,’ Özlem said, only to have Helena laughingly retort ‘I don't drink beer either, so that would be really fun.’

It’s been an absolute treat to dance with Bella and Özlem during season three, and I know I will continue to dance with them both. Because it impacts who and how I am, which in turn impacts what I do.

“The beauty of how dancing with another person changes your own dance is fascinating. It’s the same as with meandering conversations. How did we start at A and got to Z and what route did we take? With room for both of us to stir the conversation.

Today there was room for all four of us to stir it, and it was so much fun to see where we meandered, and I think that's the biggest value of what you have created here.”

~ Bella

So.

Another episode, containing tankespjärn, as always.

Do join us for this meandering conversation!

Links:

Find Özlem Tan on LinkedIn

And here’s Bella (and some more of her music)

Not to mention Caspian Almerud , dear friend and pod producer

Slowing down to the speed of life by Richard Carlson

Esther Perel

Episode 62. Parenting: the reactions of the parent | with Özlem Tan

Join the Tankespjärn-community over on Patreon

Nov 01, 202201:46:06
79. I am the container | with Bella

79. I am the container | with Bella

Fifth and final conversation of the third season.

Wrapping it up by having two group conversations (trying to get seven people to settle on one date with commitments and other engagements as well as time zones to juggle is a bit like trying to herd cat’s. Not the easiest. Hence: two conversations!), but still… a door closes.

And another opens?

Or ‘!’?

(Yes. Another opens!)

A Bella-and-me-conversation wouldn’t be a Bella-and-me-conversation unless discernment was part of it. True for this one too. As Bella is in a state of flux, she’s…

“… trying to establish positive rituals for myself, that feel like they feed me. Trying to do so neither at my expense, nor at the expense of those around me. Navigating how to do it in a way that it doesn't convey conflict, but rather conveys collaboration, which I find challenging sometimes.” ~ Bella

Which, of course, had us off to the races.

Habits. Mindful, or mindless? Might we need a mix of both?

“Sometimes I need a little bit of mindless habit too. Because everything in my work is about assessing the moment, appreciating what is there, what potential is there, what limitations are there, both mine and the other persons. And it's really an intense being-present kind of thing.” ~ Bella

How do habits relate to rituals and traditions? Or ceremonies?

Are they filled with life-force? Or does life-force arise because we do them?

Are they mine? What do they give me? What do I give them? Why do I do them? And how?

“Being the container.

Not being contained by others, by conditioning, by should’s and societal norms and whatnot. Not being contained but being a container for myself. A container for what is there, which is another way of asserting freestanding Yes and Noes.

When I'm the container, I'm the one who says Yes or No. Based on my discernment right now, what's valid, what's relevant, what's emotionally appropriate? How's my heart right now? What am I containing? How am I doing that thing? How much can I take? What can I harbor today and what can't I harbor today?” ~ Helena

As always, a meandering conversation, gentle and soft, and still filled with tankespjärn. What a lovely combination that is! It’s like a delicious meal, one where many opposites are present. Sweetness as well as salt. Smooth textures, and crunchy ones. A bit of heat, tempered by a rich umami taste.

The table is set, so I invite you to dig in!

Links:

Bella (and some more of her music)

77. Conversations that help me be more me | with Luke Aymon

Twilight retreat with@wildherbarista and@whentheblackbirdsings_

Yuval Noah Harari, author of Sapiens

Oct 25, 202201:43:20
78. Light and dark, always dancing | with Özlem Tan

78. Light and dark, always dancing | with Özlem Tan

In a conversation around inner light as well as darkness, it’s so easy to substitute light and dark for good/bad, or positive/negative. And I have. For the longest time. But I am reclaiming my darkness, waking my inner bitch up; wanting, needing, a bit less of the goodie-two-shoes facet of myself, and a bit more edge, more anger, more holy wrath.

‘Nobody is all good. Nobody is all bad. We are a mix. The yin and the yang is present in all of us. So how do I use that [mix of lightness and darkness] in such a way that I'm not an absolute and complete total dickhead?’ ~ Helena

And even though I truly feel the need to allow my inner darkness more room, more space, more freedom, still, there’s a fear of becoming that dickhead, and that, I know I don’t want to be.

– Helena, I don't think you have it in you to be a dickhead.

–  Oh, you're wrong, Özlem. I definitely have it in me to be a dickhead!

– It would be so interesting to see that side of you…

– Yeah, well, I'm not sure I will go so far as to let my inner dickhead out, in public…

I know I can be a dickhead. And I wonder… are there any individuals alive who don’t? Perhaps… very young children don’t? But then again, perhaps the dickhead-aspect relies on cognition? Or maybe not…

Hm. So many thoughts, questions popping, with responses arising within me that don’t feel complete. What a treat! It tells me I am on to something unfinished, where I’m not yet ‘fixed’. I haven’t settled, made up my mind, come to any definitive conclusion. And I like that!

‘I think you need a little bit darkness to understand things, underlying motivators and the reasoning behind. Like in fairy tales, where you always have the darkness against the lightness. But I think you onto something: How can you make them coexist and help rather than fight each other?’ ~ Özlem

Özlem and me kept dancing around light and dark, doing and being, and how we show up in the world in this our fifth and final conversation, but we’ve yet to actually get that impro-thing going, so who knows, perhaps there will be a surprise sometimes in the future?

This, and much more tankespjärn, is yours for the taking, if you press PLAY.

Links:

Find Özlem Tan on LinkedIn

Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter

The problem is never the problem, the problem is always your thinking about the problem

The event horizon – a perspective on sleepless nights

Me and Luke in conversation about doing/being

Game of Thrones, reflections from my first binge

China’s Mosuo tribe – last matriarchy?

Are we igned to be sexual omnivores? A TED Talk from 2013

Pia Sundhage, ‘we make each other good’

Per Axbom on leaving algorithm-based social media


Oct 18, 202201:25:16
77. Conversations that help me be more me | with Luke Aymon

77. Conversations that help me be more me | with Luke Aymon

Connecting dots with Luke in this our fifth conversation (not to worry, Özlem number five will be published, once it’s recorded…). Dots coming from all places. A recent work assignment. Therapy sessions with Dominic. The book circle I’m running on Women Who Run With the Wolves. Episode 75 where me and Kate spoke about where getting a slight buzz helps us get out of our heads…

And those were just my dots. Luke had his too. A conversation with his sister. The tarot reading he spoke about in episode 73. His experiences with cancer, and how it differs from when he first got diagnosed with a chronic disease years ago.

The value of these conversations, for us both, is apparent. And voiced. (And it’s my hope and wish that there’s value in them for you too. In whatever way that value is shaped for you, I hope it’s there.) I actually think this type of conversation helps me… be. Helps me become. Helps me be more human, more me.

[…] to accept one’s beauty… the shape of one's soul and the fact that living close to that wild creature transforms us and all that it touches. When we accept our own wild beauty, it is put into perspective, and we are no longer poignantly aware of it anymore, but neither would we forsake it or disclaim it either. Does a wolf know how beautiful she is when she leaps? Does a feline know what beautiful shapes she makes when she sits? Is a bird awed by the sound it hears when it snaps open its wings? Learning from them, we just act in our own true way and do not draw back from or hide our natural beauty. Like the creatures, we just are. And it is right. ~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés, (chapter 6) Women Who Run With the Wolves

Tankespjärn.

Yes.

Plenty of it.

But as this conversation proves, it doesn’t need to be hard and super-challenging.

It can be fun. Come in so many different shapes and colors and flavors.

Luke provides his very own, very special flavor. To me. Perhaps he comes across totally differently to you! Give us a listen to find out.

Links:

Find Luke Aymon on Twitter

75. Dance like there’s no one watching | with Kate Inglis

Doing Gentle with an Edge, e/audiobook by Helena Roth

Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter

Mark Nepo and The Book of Awakening

Come as you are by Emily Nagoski

How to make it in the new music business by Ari Herstand

Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

66. A modern band of brothers | with Mandell

Find and engage with Helena on Twitter @HERO_Respondi

Oct 11, 202202:03:54
76. How is your heart today? | with Mandell

76. How is your heart today? | with Mandell

The bittersweetness of closing season three with the fifth conversation with each and every one of my meandering conversation-partners is matched by the seasonal shift that’s upon me – fall is coming. There’s still vegetables and fruit to harvest, the warmth from sunshine makes me toss my jacket aside, and trees are only just starting to change color and let go of their leaves…

All of which is part of the similarity, it’s in the letting go. That just so happens to be part of one of my favorite expressions: Let go, to let come.

I cannot find new people to meander with, if I didn’t let go (of recording conversations) of these five, in the same way I had to at the end of season two, and the end of season one.

“A lot of what I see is how we intellectualize things. We say, ‘how are you?’ and you go ‘I'm fine’. Even when you actually are not fine…

Am I fine? How's my body right now? What's my state of mind? Is there any aches? Is there any tingling, any bubbles? Is there anything that wants to move? There's so much more to find out both physically and emotionally about where I am, how I am.”

~ Helena

And this is just such a place, where I am fine, absolutely, but at the same time…

A bit sad. A touch of excitement for what’s to come, mingled with a slight sense of exhaustion. Should I consider taking a short break before starting season four? Or record a handful of episodes where I read my own blog posts, similar to the style of the first one hundred episodes of the pod?

As you can see, it’s possible to go deep and wide when asked How are you? regardless if the one asking is someone else or yourself. But there’s more goodies in this episode:

“One of Mark Stewart’s [coach in the altMBA] favorite questions to ask people is ‘How is your heart today?’ So he doesn't say ‘How are you doing?’ He says ‘How's your heart today?’ And every single time everyone's like ‘Huh!’ because it makes you go inside, and ask yourself ‘How is my heart today?”. ~ Mandell

How is my heart today?

I answered that question yesterday in my kernel journal. (A bit tender, that’s the state of my heart right now.) That question is a keeper for me. Perhaps for you too? Or maybe there will be some other tidbit in this episode that will be tankespjärn to last you a day, or week, or… a lifetime?


Links:

Find Mandell Conway through his website Giving is like or on LinkedIn

Kaninängen, communal gardening project

Svinnbruket, ‘grown-up dumpstering project’

Muhammad Yunus of Grameen Bank

Barefoot College and grandmother’s learning solar power

Rescued Fruits AB


Oct 04, 202202:00:06
75. Dance like there’s no one watching | with Kate Inglis

75. Dance like there’s no one watching | with Kate Inglis

Hard to believe that me and Kate have had our fifth and final conversation [well. For this season of the pod, not forever. We will continue to have conversations, I guarantee it. But perhaps not as often. Perhaps not as long. And not recorded for a pod.]. And what a conversation we had!

“I don't want to be stone cold sober for the rest of my life, so I'm on a bit of an exploration, like Huey Lewis and the News, to find my new drug.” ~ Kate

We ventured into territory neither of us had on our radar, which is part of the magic and beauty of these meandering conversations. A testament to the wonder of allowing what want’s to happen to happen.

“What's going to be my altered state? How am I going to manage it so that I feel okay, how do I lose just enough control, just a little, so that I can play in that space of being more free than I feel in my brain?” ~ Kate

Oh, how this resonates with me! I’ve been harping on about the mental vice, which might not be the correct term for it, unless you watch me as I speak of it, taking a firm grip of the top of my head with both hands, holding tight, very tight. Like a band of metal keeping me/my brain tightly in check, under control, not able to venture out into the unknown…

“Music provides an alibi where I am allowed, by my brain, by that mental vice keeping me very tightly controlled, to let go. If there’s music, no problem, I'll dance and sing on the streets, on the bike and the bus, on the train. I'll go up on the dance floor without a care if there's nobody there, dancing and singing and loving it.

Theatre, acting, role-playing, that type of thing, all of a sudden, no alibi in place, so there my mental vice is very tightly screwed on.” ~ Helena

Except when there’s music around.

Music provides the alibi I need, to let loose, let go, relax, and dance like no one is watching, which my friend and one-time-coach Dave shared on Facebook just as I was getting ready to write this episode description:

“dance like there’s no one watching…”

Especially if ‘the watcher’ is you..

Yes. The watcher is me.

A part of me.

A part that is watching, and judging, other parts of me.

Sometimes, the watcher just laughs, and says carry on. Other times…

“If it was me and a partner and I wanted to do the sexy striptease dance? Holy fuck, no! Music would not be enough of an alibi there. It’s that audience aspect: here's the one person I do not want to think ‘She’s just dumb, ugly, silly. What the fuck is she doing? Does she really think that would turn me on?’.

Boom, self-consciousness hits me hard!” ~ Helena

My watcher has different quirks and pet-peeves compared to Kate’s, as we discovered throughout this conversation. But we share the experience, the feeling of not having the bandwidth, for one reason or another, of being generous in our self-consciousness.

“How generous people are when they are unselfconscious. When we're not focused on the self, that's when we're able to be generous. And that applies all the time.” ~ Kate

Such a rich conversation, filled with tankespjärn. For us, and also for you, precisely because we were able to be generous!


Sep 27, 202202:17:12
74. A plethora of inner voices | with Bella

74. A plethora of inner voices | with Bella

I enjoy wise words, collect quotes or longer paragraphs from books I read, videos I watch (I’ve been tweeting single sentence words of wisdom from whatever I am currently watching. During the summer it was Downton Abbey, right now it’s Game of Thrones…), podcasts I listen to etc. I’ve got little words of wisdom saved in many places (…and you don’t need to tell me I should stick to one single system. I don’t. So there.), my kernel journal, my mind, in Evernote, in a spreadsheet with a tab/book, unless if it’s a book I own where I read with pen in hand, making marginalia and sometimes even dog-earing the page to be able to reference it at a later time.

Few actually get lodged in my mind, but now and again, I surprise myself:

“It’s not what you preach, it’s what you tolerate.” ~ Jocko Willink

When I read that quote it hit me hard. Somehow, it points to walking my talk from another angle. I can viscerally feel the slippery slope of how what I tolerate can lead me further and further away from my beliefs, from what I ‘preach’.

And when that happens, my inner should:ers have a field-day (which me and Luke also touched upon)!

‘The Saboteur berates you, tells you what is not good, and says ‘You should do better’. The Sage celebrates what is good and joyfully wonders how you could do even better.’ ~ Shirzad Chamine

I’m pretty sure you also have inner should:ers (or Saboteurs, the term used by Shirzad of Positive Intelligence), and I wonder if you’ve entered into conversation with them in any way? In therapy with Dominic he suggested that I…

“[…] enter into conversation with your should:ers. Maybe you can do dominant/nondominant hand-writing and ask ‘Hey, you Should:er, if you knew all of this, why didn't you tell me before?’

Usually when you do that, they get quite uncomfortable because they don't want to be caught out. If you do enter into a conversation with them, how can you make a deal that if they see something beforehand, why not tell you so that their foresight can be of service to you?

They're quite useful allies to have, the Should:ers.” ~ Helena

I deliberately say Should:ers, because I have many, not just one. Two of them seems to be present in Bella as well, as I can definitely relate to this:

“The [inner] one that shushes yourself up is risky because you lose yourself.

The [inner] one that speaks up is risky as sometimes you lose the other because of it.” ~ Bella

I venture a guess that there’s plenty more tankespjärn to be had, once you tag along for a listen.

Links:

Bella (and some more of her music)

Jocko Willink author of the book Extreme Ownership and host of the Jocko podcast

Helena on Twitter

Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter

Ask-culture vs guess-culture

64. Discernment is flexible and judgment is rigid | with Bella

Sep 20, 202201:30:53
73. It's very easy to should/would/could yourself | with Luke Aymon

73. It's very easy to should/would/could yourself | with Luke Aymon

I enjoy having meandering conversations. Period. Give me a soul willing and eager to partake in such an explorative undertaking and I am happy. But there’s something special in having this type of conversation with someone much younger than me, and Luke is just that.

 

“I think everything can be a portal, a prompt, a door that might open, a seed. There's a signal in everything. Question is, do I want to pick up on it? Do I have the energy to pick up on it? Do I feel any ‘No, that signal doesn't really work right now’, or ‘I don't like the vibes of that one’?” ~ Helena

 

And I don’t mean to shine a light on the age difference itself, really, but, it does provide extra spice somehow. It adds an edge, in the way that any other type of difference will… and yet, part of the edge of this particular difference, is how there are so many similarities between us, despite me being twice the age of Luke. Perhaps, it’s just another type, or flavour, of signal, for me?

 

Me and Luke, we dance a lot in this conversation, right on the heels of me and Özlem, who definitely did the same (danced a lot, I mean) in episode 72. Stuck behind a microphone half a globe apart from each other, dance? Together? Really?

 

“I can intellectually understand something, but to fully integrate and experientially understand it, takes some time.” ~ Luke  

 

Yeah.

It’s possible. Even under these circumstances.

And a lot of fun too!

 

Just make sure you don’t fall in the very common trap that Luke pinpointed halfway through our conversation.

Oh, I should definitely dance more!

Oh, I wish I would feel comfortable on the dance floor!

Oh, if only I could dance as well as she can!

 

“It's very easy to should/would/could yourself.” ~ Luke

 

It is.

And however much I wish it weren’t so, it still is.

But I do have a choice. And so do you.

So, take that piece of tankespjärn and ponder: when do you should/would/could yourself? What would be another way of being, in those moments? Might the walking barefoot, dancing or going with the flow, be ways of shifting from the shoulding/coulding/woulding, into something else?

 

Links:

Find Luke Aymon on Twitter


Sep 13, 202201:47:26
72. Dancing, a metaphor for life | with Özlem Tan

72. Dancing, a metaphor for life | with Özlem Tan

Do you dance? I asked Özlem, only to have him ask how I defined dance. I didn’t give him an answer, because for me, dancing is so much more than ‘dancing’… (ok, bear with me for just a while longer:)

“I had a coach who used to say ‘Dance with whatever comes knocking on the door’.

Ever since, I've been using dance as a metaphor, as an inspiration, as an intention. How do I want to show up in life? Well, dancing! There is the rhythm, there is the going with the flow of things. There is the following and the lead, or that I'm totally doing this on my own.

And if I'm dancing with somebody and they do something surprising, what do I do? Do I get offended and say ‘No, you're not supposed to do that’. Or do I go ‘Oh my God, what are you doing? This is so much fun!’.

Dancing. A metaphor for life.” ~ Helena

If you’ve listened to me and Özlem before, you know we’re on the hunt for an improv-class, but in this episode, I invite Özlem (and his wife) to tag along to a lindy hop-beginners taster, because there are many similarities (in my mind) in how you dance lindy hop and how you do improvisational theatre.

As our conversation progressed, I fretted a wee bit whether or not I should – could – would – dared – to share a story from a recent party I attended, where I danced with life in a way I’ve not done before.

How? Well:

“[Reading a piece of erotica I’ve written, at a party,] is part of me dancing with life. It is part of me owning that side of me, the side of me that has lust –the side of me that is sensual and that wants the sensual– in a way that I haven't before.” ~ Helena

I didn’t read the actual piece, during our meandering conversation (perhaps I should record it?), but as always, I am surprised at where our meanders takes us. I mean, I did not plan on sharing this story, for sure. But… it just seemed right, and it invited us into a continued meandering down a very sensual path, so… if you feel like some sensual tankespjärn, I invite you to dance with us!

Links:

Find Özlem Tan on LinkedIn

Tisdagsgruppen with Malmö Impro

HepTown and Cats’ Corner, two organisations providing opportunities to dance Lindy hop/Swing in and around the Malmö-area in Skåne

Dans på stranden (dancing at the beach)

Some Lindy-inspiration

Doing Gentle with an Edge, e/audiobook by Helena Roth

Twilight retreat with @wildherbarista and @whentheblackbirdsings_

Wildhaga Sanctuary/Fiskabäck Österlen

Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter

Danae Mercer on Instagram

Kamratposten

Parable of the sower by Octavia E Butler

The quote from Parable of the sower from the Tankespjärn Instagram

Sep 06, 202201:20:13
71. The short and long arcs of time | with Mandell

71. The short and long arcs of time | with Mandell

It fascinates me how me and Mandell cannot speak without dropping at least a douzen book titles/recommendations or so. This episode is not different in that regards, but before we went all booking, I shared a story of the adventures of Pop the cat, who was definitely cheating on me during the summer, while on vacation in Vejbystrand where my mom lives.

(Can a cat cheat on his owner? Well. Yeah. Listen and find out how!)

The type of pets that are common to an area, and how those pets are tended/kept, shifts. There’s a cultural aspect to this, in much the same way that cooking provides a lens into a culture. Turns out, Mandell always tries to get to a cooking class while travelling, even though he also says Cooking is not my thing. Well, you could have fooled me…

“For some reason a cooking class gives me an advantage on the culture. You learn so much from the food and I especially I love the cooking classes where they bring you to the market and show you how they shop.” ~ Mandell

Then our conversation came upon a shift.
From the short arc of time (a human life span; cats and dogs, travelling and cooking classes) to the long ones. The really long arcs.

“The aspect of the long arcs is one of my favourite things. A human life is a really small arc of time. It's like nothing, but the long arcs of time… what was it like a thousand years ago, 10,000 years ago, a hundred thousand years ago? When you look at the long arc of time, what happens? What shifts? Opening up to the fact that a human lifespan is a very short, very brief moment in time, and what am I doing with that? Am I influencing the long [ongoing] arc? How am I influencing it? Can I influence it?” ~ Helena

And boom. There we went, down a deep rabbit hole, asking questions, challenging ourselves, providing tankespjärn for ourselves, as well as, hopefully, for you, dear listener.

Links:

Find Mandell Conway through his websiteGiving is like or onLinkedIn

Pop the cat can be found on Instagram

All Reddy-conversations from season two (on Spotify)

The AKIMBO workshops, all but altMBA running for the last time in the fall of 2022

The signature of all things, a book by Elizabeth Gilbert

Range - WHY GENERALISTS TRIUMPH IN A SPECIALIZED WORLD by David Epstein

Big Magic, also by Elizabeth Gilbert

Aug 30, 202202:02:02
70. Questions on curating life | with Kate Inglis

70. Questions on curating life | with Kate Inglis

A failure of curiosity is what it is, Kate said towards the end of our fourth conversation… and what she’s not pointing to is us, as I am sure there’s never been a Tankespjärn-episode with as many questions, ever.

Questions on curating life:

“I curate my life. It's on me to make.

What do I want my life to be? How do I want it to be, where do I want it to be, and with whom do I want it to be? How can I set it up in such a way? Do I dare dream? And what are those dreams? Am I making inroads on some of those dreams?” ~ Helena

In life, friendships play an important part. So, there are questions on friendship:

“What is a friend? What am I looking for from a friend? What do I require from a friend versus what do I enjoy from a friend? And what kind of food do I need? What nourishment do I need from friendship? Because I'm feeling like it's changed.” ~ Kate

And to curate my life, becoming conscious about ‘the system that is me’, body and mind alike, is a factor. So yeah, questions about that too:

“How little we are trained to consciously sense into: Where am I right now? What does my body need right now? What's my state? We don't do that.” ~ Helena

Now… I profess, I do love questions. And yet, all questions aren’t necessarily of service all the time. How they are worded and asked, the energy of them, as well as current circumstances, including my state of mind, all impact and influence the level of service I might, or might not, gain from a question asked.

But to a large part, I still say that if you are curiously exploring life with the help of openly asked questions, chances are you live a life filled with life, and don’t run the risk of suffering from a failure of curiosity.

…and I promise, there’s even more questions in the episode, so press play and tag along for even more tankespjärn.

Links:
Kate Inglis, most easily found through her
website

Twilight retreat with@wildherbarista and@whentheblackbirdsings_

Me and Özlem on anarchy in episode 62 andon improv in episode 67

Ishmael and two more books by Daniel Quinn

Jocko Willink author of the book Extreme Ownership and host of the Jocko podcast

Aug 23, 202202:12:08
69. Yes lives in the land of no | with Bella

69. Yes lives in the land of no | with Bella

Picking up on the thread from our last conversation, Bella asks me about the quotation I’d just handed in back then… which has us go down an interesting route of how to face rejection. I am better at facing professional rejections, like getting a No on a quotation, or, for that matter, not really getting any response at all. Personally, I would likely have a harder time, and yet… all of it is based on context. (Again. Context is queen, for sure!)

“Yes lives in the land of no, which has me curiously approaching no’s.” ~ Helena

Yes lives in the land of no, is a statement I’ve heard Steve Chander say over and over again, and it’s really helped me.

“One of the ways I've been playing with No’s [mostly professionally] is by asking people questions and clearly stating that I welcome any clear response.

Give me a Yes, and I'll be thrilled. Give me a No, and I'll be thrilled.” ~ Helena

I’ve been using it more deliberately in professional settings though, and as I sit here typing this episode description, I realize that’s been a safer playground of sorts for me, and it’s time to play more with yeses and no’s personally/privately as well.

“That is why I like these conversations because sometimes you just formulate it when you talk to a friend.” ~ Bella

This is one reason why being in conversation with Bella is helpful to me. And to her.

I hope it is to you too?! That you are a part of this (these) meandering conversation(s) amongst friends, which now and again have you formulate something out loud that suddenly bring about clarity, an insight, or for that matter, a piece of tankespjärn to chew on for a bit.

Links:

Bella (and some more of her music)

64. Discernment is flexible and judgment is rigid | with Bella

Steve Chandler

Esther Perel on eroticism

Doing Gentle with an Edge, e- and audiobook authored by Helena Roth

Twilight retreat with @wildherbarista and @whentheblackbirdsings_

Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Michael Pollans books

Hur kan vi? – a Swedish pod

Anni Pohto everywoman (Selfies version)

AKIMBO workshops

Aug 16, 202201:26:19
68. Who do I want to be in this world? | with Luke Aymon

68. Who do I want to be in this world? | with Luke Aymon

“I am responsible for me and my actions.

You are responsible for you and your actions.” ~ Helena

What would it be like if there was more of this in the world?

No more You make me [fill in the blank]… (Or less of it, at least.)

More I get [fill in the blank] when… instead.

Where [fill in the blank] might be angry, happy, sad, upset, elated, excited, triggered.

The latter provides a space for my beloved mellanrum, i.e. Swedish for ‘the space in between’. The room to pause, sense into, act rather than react.

There’s a next level available too, where There is [fill in the blank] when… becomes possible. Giving even more room to disengage, or, perhaps more an opportunity to not identify so strongly to whatever wants to happen in the moment. To let there be Anger. Happiness. Sadness or Upset. Elation, Excitement, Triggering. Desire, Chock or Fear.

“All emotions are players on a stage, and a story without a villain is kind of a boring story, isn't it? And if it's all villains, it's not fun either.” ~ Luke

All of them welcome. All of them valid. In the appropriate context, and it’s all about context! If emotions weren’t vilified, or ridiculed, belittled, or even worse, shamed, would it be easier to dance with them then? Would it be easier to take responsibility for my experience, and honor my boundaries with greater ease if I simultaneously own what I feel while not identifying as what I feel?

“Who do I want to be? What's the culture, what's the quality of the engagement and the connection? What do I want to foster? What do I want to see more of in the world?

Yes! Be that thing.” ~ Helena

Who do you want to be?

Luke echoed me after my rant, repeating the question back to me… and reflecting on this our third conversation, the difference between Being and Doing makes itself known to me. ‘Who do you want to be?’ is the question, not ‘What do you want to do?’.

Perhaps that tankespjärn can be your companion for the day? Or maybe you’ll find another one, while listening!

Links:

Find Luke Aymon on Twitter

Spökguiden with Jacques Schultze

First episode with Luke where we spoke about gaming

Ain’t it awful, from Eric Berne’s book ‘Games people play’

Buddhas by the Roadside

Deep Dive with Eyal Shay, podcast episode with Rachel Clifton

Tankespjärn on Patreon – join us for equally rich conversations on a monthly basis

Aug 09, 202201:43:05
67. Find what makes you tick | with Özlem Tan

67. Find what makes you tick | with Özlem Tan

In our third conversation Özlem helped me see something about myself that I’ve never noticed before. I’ve always thought the common thread to everything I’ve done in life, at least from a professional standpoint, has been about change and improvement. I’ve called myself an Agent of Change for many years by now because of that belief.

But Özlem made me see that it’s not the change/improvement itself that’s the attraction for me, that’s not the pull. It’s the people. The connections. The human-to-human interaction that – YES! – gets to be of higher quality when the systems around are conducive for it, when they work as well as can be (and they can always, always (!) be improved).

A lot of this conversation centres on this. On human connection. On finding a path… or perhaps, simply finding the next step, and preferably, it’s one that thrills you:

‘We just need this:

What thrills you now?

What do you wanna learn right now?

What would entice you right now?

What tickles?

Ooh, I wanna go there!’

~ Helena

Do you commute to work? Perhaps have a car for it? When did you last buy new tires for it? Ever change oil, pump the tires, give it a wash now and again? Perhaps you’ve even upgraded your car now and again, gotten a better one?

Now, imagine you are the car. When did you last get yourself a new set of tires? Get a thorough wash, and checked the oil? Do you treat yourself as well as your car? Make sure you have what you need in order to operate as good as you can?

What would this look like for you, personally?

Oh. So many questions! And I could come up with many more. But I won’t. I’ll leave you to join me and Özlem, talking about personal development, finding your own path, as well as starling murmurations, the most beautiful note ever played (by a cello) and much more. Plenty of tankespjärn as always!

Links:

Find Özlem Tan on LinkedIn

Information about Helena’s services, such as coaching

Malmö improv meet up-groups: Malmö Improvisatorium and Improv – The Improvisational Theater

The Suzuki Method

Learning – ‘the first twenty hours’

Fac ut portem Christi mortem, from Stabat Mater by Jens Bragdell Eriksson

Starling murmurations

#skolvåren (Swedish website)

The Tankespjärn-community – please join if these conversations entice you!

The monthly meet-up on CELEBRATION

Aug 02, 202201:17:26
66. A modern band of brothers | with Mandell

66. A modern band of brothers | with Mandell

Mandell has some serious friendships going on, let me tell you. His story blasted my preconceived notions right out of the water, and I absolutely love it when that happens! You see… I have it in my mind that men are ‘worse at friendships’ than women.

Laying down flat on my back, showing you my exposed neck, coming clean as a person with prejudices…

I KNOW RIGHT?!

What a horrible person I am.

Or? Maybe just honest.

(At least I know this about myself.)

Anyway, what blew me out of the water, was to hear Mandell’s story of his brotherhood of 15+ men, who’ve stuck together (at least) since high school, which in my estimate means somewhere between fifteen and twenty years (arghhh, am I putting my foot in it now Mandell? Again?!).

And no no no – not a yearly get-together or anything like that. Intense connection, with a running daily chat-thread going AND meet-up’s, more casual, as well as all-hands-on-deck for bachelor parties, weddings, baby showers and the like.

“Through the years we have incredible history together.

The places we've traveled, the things we've done. We've spent many, many hours, literally just sitting on the steps of one of my friends' houses. And that was the highlight of the day because we were doing it together, hanging out and laughing. So it's a unique relationship for sure.” ~ Mandell

It absolutely thrills me to hear this, and to experience their shared love for each other, because it’s apparent when he shares their story.

We didn’t start with the brotherhood coming together in Colombia though. We got there via my fiftieth birthday celebrations, because they have been (and will continue to be – and if that intrigues you, give us a listen and all shall be revealed!) equally good representations of friendships and coming together.

“Life is better together.” ~ Helena

Perhaps there’s some tankespjärn for you there. In your friendships, your relationships? How do you give them the energy they need to ensure you live as rich a life as you wasn’t to?

Links:

Find Mandell Conway through his website Giving is like or on LinkedIn

David Grundelius, previous owner of my guitar

Buddhas by the Roadside

Fink different at Do Lectures with Graham Fink

Range - WHY GENERALISTS TRIUMPH IN A SPECIALIZED WORLD by David Epstein

The Master and His Emissary by Iain McGilchrist

Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter

Simone Seol on marketing

Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Words of memory for my paternal grandmother (in Swedish)


Does a mastermind-group on ‘The Inner Ethics Committee on Marketing’ sound interesting to you? Contact me here!

Jul 26, 202202:02:38
65. Questions matter | with Kate Inglis

65. Questions matter | with Kate Inglis

Season three, round three of meandering conversations means we’re at the midway point, and somehow it always catches me by surprise.

As always, me and Kate meander quite significantly, and if you’ve been counting Kate-rants, there’s a couple in this episode too. Her rants don’t really feel like rants to me though, they are more musings that are allowed to meander and take form. Like her sharing the story of celebrating Canada Day on July 1st, prompting her to the following question:

What is the notion of a nation? What's it for? What is this container’s purpose?
In my vision, it's a container that helps us test ideas about how best to live.
’ ~ Kate

Questions matter.
They carry weight. Can have a huge impact. On individuals, groups, countries and even on a global scale.
We speak about this.

About the time I was told by a teacher that I was not allowed to ask the question #WhySchool, because, in her view, schools are inevitable. Me questioning what she deemed inevitable, obviously shook her quite significantly. Not surprisingly, I disagreed with her. Schools aren’t inevitable, they are a human construct. Learning though, is inevitable. It comes with the territory of being human (which is a way to narrow framing as well. Does it comes with being alive? All animals learn as well, don’t they? Do plants? Fungi? Microbes?).

About how just asking someone to tell you more about a belief of theirs can be met with the same response as the teacher I encountered.

How we are demonizing answers to certain questions, for sure, but even worse–and this scares me–we’re demonizing the asking of the question in the first place. And that’s not a road I want us–culturally, together–to venture further down on.

How can I share what I know, what I see, what I experience, what I fear, what I'm concerned about in such a way that you can have a better chance at receiving it?’ ~ Helena

Which brings us to the ability to have sticky conversations. Those that are preferably had in person, face-to-face, in the flesh. The one’s where I am not even sure that I know my own stance, and thus perhaps shy away from even more. Even though what’s needed, from where I stand, is more of them. About what’s important to me, to us. How we are to live together. What we do when there’s strife and angst and disagreement and perhaps even aggression.

Sticky!
And important.

Join me and Kate as we meander past a number of sticky topics, with curiosity, openness, and quite a bit of playfulness thrown in too. I think that helps, especially when encountering a hard-to-swallow piece of tankespjärn or two.

Links:
Kate Inglis is most easily found through her
website
Canada day
Follow Pop the cat on Instagram, sleeping atop my knitting
The Tragically Hip and Ahead by a century, featuring Gord Downie
#skolvåren (i.e. ‘school spring’)
Rage becomes her: The power of women’s anger by Soraya Chemaly
Notes for the everlost by Kate Inglis
Jocko Willink author of the book Extreme Ownership and host of the Jocko podcast

Jul 19, 202202:20:02
64. Discernment is flexible and judgment is rigid | with Bella

64. Discernment is flexible and judgment is rigid | with Bella

Bella has a knack of asking poignant questions that open a wide expanse in front of me, or us, and off we go. Down deep, continuing on the theme from our last conversation.

During this our second (recorded) conversation it became clear to me how I’ve come to a place where it’s much easier for me to stand my ground, feel centered and secure, in my skills, my experience, my abilities, in professional settings, and how on a personal level, I’m experiencing something quite different.

‘I know how to express my professional needs.

Personally, it's like there's a gigantic slab of concrete on top of my needs. They can't even get up because they're stuck underneath this heavy load that’s keeping them from being expressed. And it's all mental beliefs, like shame, like unworthiness, like oh, good girls don't do that, good girls don't wanna do that. All of that stuff.’ ~Helena

It's not all that bad, of course, but if I extrapolate and enhance, that’s the feeling. Like there’s a mental vice holding me down, hemming me in, stopping me from speaking my needs, my truth, using my voice, my limbs, my body in ways that I want to – an inner signal that won’t get transformed into physical expression because some part of me won’t allow the transformation.

Having just had a moment of exquisite clarity professionally, I am anchoring the sensation, remembering it with all of me, so that I can use it as a guiding light for myself in personal/private settings – because I know how to be crystal clear in my communication and connection.

One of our meanders had us dancing with two other familiar concepts, discernment and judgment.

‘Discernment is flexible and judgment is rigid.’ ~Bella

Now, I won’t say more than that… in the hope you will press play and find a tankespjärn or two in this episode!

Links:

Bella (and her music)

Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter

57. Role models in our own relations | with Özlem Tan

Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

The No Mind-festival at Ängsbacka

Playful tantra with Charlotte Cronquist

Twilight retreat with @wildherbarista and @whentheblackbirdsings_

Amazing Space by Laura Bonné (organic cosmetics)

Tankespjärn on Patreon – join us for equally rich conversations on a monthly basis

Jul 12, 202201:28:25
63. What is your pain trying to tell you? | with Luke Aymon

63. What is your pain trying to tell you? | with Luke Aymon

Just before me and Luke had our second conversation (this one!) I listened to him in (a podcast-) conversation with Eyal Shay on pain, which made me curious.

‘Pain is generally a signal that contains information worth listening to, worth parsing and figuring out ‘Well, what is it trying to tell me?’ Because if you figure that out, it's more likely that you're not going to have it again.’ ~Luke

My experiences with pain are luckily not even close to what Luke’s gone through (lucky for me, that is), but pain, and everything else we experience and feel, are most definitely signals. For us to pick up on, or not, as is the case with most (everyone?) who ‘burn out’.

Luke identifying with being a Helper, possibly both by trait and conditioning, learned to carry burdens way too heavy for him, and as a result, developed a chronic disorder which has caused him a lot of pain.

‘Shared burdens really make it easier for everyone.’ ~Luke

And I wonder… sitting here, juggling all the contents of a life, what with family and friends, work and free time, if perhaps the message contained in lots of the pain that we – you, me, us – experience, is that we should be asking for help. For assistance. Cooperation and collaboration. Instead… we are amplifying our pain by trying to go it alone, struggling, fearful of asking for help, shaming ourself for being needy, weak, sub-standard.

And everything I do, causes a ripple effect.

If I hold it in, contain the pain, try to deal with it myself, perhaps self-medicate, turn to exercise, drugs, gambling, sex, anything at all, to dull the pain. It ripples.

If I don’t hold it in, letting my pain out in such a way that I, in turn, inflict pain on others… It ripples.

‘What I do ripples and what I don't do ripples.

How I show up ripples, how I don't show up ripples.

It's like positive and negative space. There's the things I do, but then there's the stuff I don't do, that's kind of the negative space on a painting or something. And those [negative spaces] could be really impactful as well.

What do I put my focus on?

How am I addressing people and when and why, and when don't I?’ ~Helena

Questions worth pondering, and perhaps when you tag along with me and Luke as we dive into this and much more, you’ll receive a morsel or two of tankespjärn that’s just what you need right this moment.

Links:
Find Luke Aymon on Twitter
The Deep Dive podcast with Eyal Shay and Luke on pain
Top Gun: Maverick in 4DXand the original
Twin Peaks, the originaland the TV-series
Atlanta
The NYT shifts their stance
Yuval Noah Harari, author of Sapiens
Laura Tucker
Episode 48. Gifting is an indication that you want to be in community
Ishmael and Daniel Quinn
#skolvåren (Swedish website)
The legacy of tankespjärn?!
...more on tankespjarn.com.

Jul 07, 202201:48:16
62. Parenting: the reactions of the parent | with Özlem Tan

62. Parenting: the reactions of the parent | with Özlem Tan

Without rules and guidelines, would anarchy ensue?

Isn’t that what we (me, you, others?!) believe? Or are taught to believe?

That anarchy is the natural outcome if there aren’t any rules.

I don’t think it necessarily would be.

Perhaps because I don’t think we, humans, function without rules. That is, even if there weren’t any rules, or they were removed, new ones would evolve. Because we are group animals, belonging together, rules will develop from the interactions of all involved.

“…we are taught not to listen. We're taught not to hear what the system that is me is actually signaling.” ~Helena

So when (or if) rules are enforced in such a way where I am not taught to listen within, to sync the rules with my own experience/feeling/sensation, what happens then? And how can I implement this in my parenting?

Özlem is faced with some uncomfortable tankespjärn more than once during this, our second conversation, and his ability to sit with that discomfort honors him.

“So much of parenting is the reactions of the parent. Now, we put it onto the kids, but it is our discomfort. It is our fear. It is our anxiety. It is our beliefs.” ~Helena

Me trying to control my firstborn in so many ways –what she wore, how she acted, what she said, how she reacted– was the spark that made me seek out a therapist, because I finally faced the truth of being a different parent than I wanted to be.

Writing this, I cringe inwardly because it sounds horrible. Makes me want to hide my face between my hands, or better yet, delete and start over, writing something completely different in this episode description.

But owning what I’ve done, how I’ve been, as a parent, the good and the bad alike, is my current parenting-project. I am breaking the cycle of blaming and shaming myself for what I’ve done as a parent, owning it instead. All of it. So there’s quite a lot of discomforting tankespjärn for me too in this episode. Perhaps you will find some as well?

Links:

Find Özlem Tan on LinkedIn

Den inre kompassen, blog post in Swedish

Radical Learning with my friend Rebecka Koritz

An article on traditional Inuit parenting

A most memorable Christmas Eve

Jun 28, 202201:47:21
61. Each person has had their own journey here | with Mandell

61. Each person has had their own journey here | with Mandell

Mandell spent a week in Senegal before we met up for our second conversation, and I was following his adventures on Instagram. When I came across a video of him walking just a few meters behind two big lions, I almost choked!

I mean, those are some seriously respect-inducing animals, for sure!

So of course, I ask Mandell about this, eager to find out what it felt like (hearing him speak of it I am reminded of when I was a young child wandering off from mom or dad, repeatedly looking back over my shoulder to make sure mom/dad is still there, and that I am not doing something I’m not supposed to. Mandell being the child, and the lion trainer being the parent.) which has us head straight into the territory of inner struggles with ethical dilemmas.

‘It's definitely an internal struggle of enjoyment at whose expense.’ ~Mandell

Like zoo’s, fly fishing, shopping for sneakers or clothes, opting out of being a car-owner, and whether or not to fly to Scotland (and elsewhere).

Mandell spoke of Consumed, a book he read on consumerism and the textile industry especially, a book that totally shifted his purchasing behaviour especially concerning sneakers, which has been an interest of his since his teens. (He has hundreds of pairs of sneakers. Hundreds! I am not sure if I have ten pairs of shoes even…)

‘Are [companies] sustainable or aren't they? Or are they just doing it for money? If you're really a sustainable company, why do you have a sustainable line? Shouldn't everything you do be sustainable?’ ~Mandell

My main take-away from this conversation is something Mandell puts his finger on, which is that each person has their own journey here. I don’t want to push, or shame, anyone into making the same decisions that I’ve made. No. I make my decisions, you make yours, and in the space in-between, there’s that field of Rumi’s where we can meet.

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing

and rightdoing there is a field.

I'll meet you there.”

~ Rumi

So if you’re up for a an hour and twenty minutes of varying kinds of tankespjärn pertaining to inner ethical dilemmas, look no further!

Links:

Find Mandell Conway through his website Giving is like or on LinkedIn

Mandell walking with the lions

Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter

Arnold Mindell

Consumed

Peter Kalmus, climate scientist, @ClimateHuman on Twitter

Greta Thunberg

Luk Shoes, handmade barefoot shoes

Scott Perry

Patagonia

Author Helena Thorfinn

Jun 21, 202201:18:24
60. My precious, my trauma, my pain | with Kate Inglis

60. My precious, my trauma, my pain | with Kate Inglis

When me and Kate hook up for our second conversation of five, she’s just come home after a week off the grid in a tiny cabin on Windhorse Farm. There she practiced self-care, but don’t tell her I said that as she positively hates that word/concept… both of which she professes to in this conversation.

“It was […] wonderful just to spend time with myself. We don't often think of ourselves as the friends that we are to ourselves.” ~ Kate Inglis

Besides the self-care-thing she was there for a writing retreat, which gives me a kick in the behind to book a couple of writing retreats for myself. There’s something special to treating yourself to (however long) a time of focus, where the distractions of every-day life at least are minimized. Just a shift of scenery makes a huge difference.

I don’t know much of the novel Kate’s writing (and finished writing during the retreat, which, possibly, might have been the 25th time she’s exclaimed Done! To this particular novel, so who knows!) but I know grief plays a part, and as such, grief, trauma, pain, suffering and feelings all were part of our two-hour+ meandering conversation.

What we fill our lives with, both on an emotional level, but also physically, matter greatly. The food I eat. The clothes I wear. The schampoo I use (or not), the shoes I stuff my feet in (or not…), how much sleep I get, if I ever stick my fingers in the soil, get outside in the sun… all of this impacts the quality of our lives.

“What else might I not need to be doing? How else can I edit and curate my experience so that I can get closer to the source of what is healthy for a human being?” ~ Kate Inglis

And the question is, or rather, one question is, what can I pare down? What can I remove from my life that makes it richer, healthier, less toxic? How can I empower myself, take the agency that is mine, by birth, by entitlement (oh how that word is one I have a contentious relationship with. But I am re-shaping my beliefs about it, about entitlement. Choosing to see the positives in it, how it can and should serve. Because yes, for me entitlement has negative connotations, or have had…).

“…to see people who are empowered to swim against the current of where the culture is pushing us. And I don't care how they do it and I don't care why they do it, it is just awesome.” ~ Kate Inglis

It is my hope and desire that you will find at least one piece of tankespjärn here, that will have you noodling something or other for a day or two. Have fun!

Links:

Kate Inglis is most easily found through her website

Windhorse farm, Nova Scotia

Banff Center for art and creativity

Kate’s tweet about feeling everything, or too much

Matthew Word Bain on Patreon

Jun 14, 202202:13:10
59. I don’t want to do the good thing. I want to do the real thing. | with Bella

59. I don’t want to do the good thing. I want to do the real thing. | with Bella

Bella was a calming presence in an online meet-up I attended last fall, having me reach out afterwards, inviting her to a one-on-one conversation. Lucky for me, she accepted, and we’ve had a few since then. Wise. Calm. With an energy that makes me feel good when I am around it. So I am thrilled to have her as my fifth conversation partner for season three, already looking forward to our upcoming four conversations.

With Bella, perhaps because of how we met, perhaps because of the vibes she gives off, conversations go naked quite quickly. And given how much I’ve worked on owning my wants, needs, longings and desires, it’s extremely helpful to be in conversation with someone who knows, to her very core, that she’s entitled to her wants and needs.

‘Even when I am not allowed to express my wants, I don't go and say, well, those are not legitimate wants and needs. That they can stay inside me, as legitimate.’ ~Bella

Just as I’ve been saying, for years, how all feelings are signals, I’ve actually never really broken it down to looking at my wants in the same way. It’s a signal, to heed or not, in the moment or at a later stage. And as such, it’s valid. It’s there. Not Truth, as such, but not something I need to or should disregard, label as illegitimate, invalidating myself.

‘I don't want to do the good thing. I want to do the real thing.’ ~Bella

What might real look like?

For me. For you. For us. How to dance with all of it? The joy, the happiness, being cheerful and buoyant, and all that we deem good and the anger, nastiness, jealousy, and petty emotions that seemingly scare us so much they are described as bad. How to dance with all of that? That’s what real means for me.

Join me and Bella for a meandering conversation, where you will encounter tankespjärn in many more ways as well.

Links:

Bella (and her music)

14. Daring to be vulnerable on record | with Alison Coates

The Three Principles

My meta-me

Ray Dalio (of Bridgewater and nothing else!) and his Principles

A toboggan in English is a kälke in Swedish

Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter

Chelan Harkin’s poem When I opened my heart

#42 | Attuning to the Deep Feminine - Maya Luna, from The Mythic Masculine podcast

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink

Downton Abbey

Esther Perel Discussion Group on FB

Ishmael by Daniel Quinn

@utanstrumpor on Twitter

Jun 07, 202201:41:09
58. We try to fix everything. Maybe there is no fixing to be done? | with Luke Aymon

58. We try to fix everything. Maybe there is no fixing to be done? | with Luke Aymon

Last season Twitter gifted me Reddy. This season’s Twitter gift is Luke Aymon, whom I connected with thanks to Reddy, who plays a lot with Eyal Shay (who’s podcast I guested), who in turn speaks a lot with Luke… and somewhere along those lines, mine and Luke’s paths crossed and we struck up a conversation. My hunch was that here’s a person whom I will enjoy being in conversation with, and my hunch proved correct!

Our two-hour meander took us into and through topics such as baby-sitting (have you ever considered what a weird word that is? Sitting the baby?), old timey radio announcer-playing, how games have changed from when Luke was small (not to mention when I was small…), to inbound marketing and the Inner Ethics Committee, to fungal treatments, risk analysis and the long arcs…

‘How do you set priorities that are not defined by something like money or resources, because that's generally how things get done? How do you value something like a future that you don't know if it will happen or not? I don't know.’ ~Luke

At the risk of being labeled technology-averse or anti-development and inventions, I am getting more and more aware of the dangers of running ahead full speed. Risk assessment is not easy, especially if you are faced with something new. How to even know what questions are relevant to ask, to make an informed decision, using discernment, about what might or might not serve in the long run? Heck, even if it will serve in the short run can be tricky.

‘We try to fix everything. Maybe there is no fixing to be done?’ ~Helena

Living in a fix-it-culture I am reminded of the quote (uncertain attribution) Don’t just do something, stand there! It helps me breathe and hold back from immediate action, even in moments when I really want to step into fix-it-mode.

‘Part of the acceptance of what is, is accepting what is, rather than trying to fix it, rather than finding the cure or avoiding, which is also a type of fix.’ ~Helena

This, and much more tankespjärn, is awaiting you in this episode. Or so I hope at least!

Links:

Find Luke Aymon on Twitter

Former Reddit CEO on Elon Musk and ‘a world of pain’

Pokémon Go

Episode 50 on the Inner Marketing Committee with Andy Mort

#buildinpublic

Inbound marketing

On tankespjarn.com you will find my e/audiobook and my other offerings including the community

May 31, 202201:53:35
57. Role models in our own relations | with Özlem Tan

57. Role models in our own relations | with Özlem Tan

First time I set eyes on Özlem Tan was during a leadership-training we both attended a few years back. I liked how he showed up there, and ever since, we’ve kept in touch, having interesting conversations which made me invite him to the third season of the podcast.

- Where are you from?

- I'm from Helsingborg.

- No, no, no, I mean like from the beginning?

- Well, yeah, I was born in a little village called Billesholm.

- That's not what I mean.

- Yeah, I understand you, you mean where my roots are? I'm a Swedish Kurd.

- Well, you can't be both.

- Of course, I can be both. What are you talking about?

As Özlem (born in Sweden to Kurdish parents, coming to Sweden before he was born) narrates an all too familiar dialogue for me, he helps me see (again) the absurdity of the question Where are you from? reminding me of the TED TalkTaiye Selasi held at TEDGlobal 2014 ‘Don’t ask me where I’m from, ask where I’m a local’.

‘Relationship role models: Do you have anyone in your life you can look at, in a marriage or a partnership, where you go, they are doing that thing, that's what I want to have. I want to model at least part of what they're doing, because that really hits home. Do you have anyone like that?’ ~Helena

And as I ask him for relationship role models, I wonder if he sees what becomes apparent to me as I work with the post-production for this episode: He and his wife are just that to their two daughters.

[My two daughters] want to avoid me interfering or helping them, they want to sort [conflicts] out themselves. ~Özlem

I don’t prepare for these episodes (except invite my five partners for the season and set up dates for our conversations), but I do read through the transcripts, looking for snippets as well as brush up on where we meandered, so that I can write these episode descriptions.

It takes time, yes, and there’s tremendous value to it.

I see more that what was apparent (to me) in the moment, during the conversation, my mind connects dots (like the TED Talk above, which I didn’t connect to during the conversation, but which popped into my mind once I started on the episode description). The potential for tankespjärn is alive and present, sometimes sprouting in the most surprising ways, as the meandering continues beyond the actual conversation.

This is what I hope happens to/in you as well.

That there’s a potential for tankespjärn that goes beyond the actual content; a memory awakened, a nudge that makes you take action on something, an infusion of energy into your life.

Links:

Find Özlem Tan onLinkedIn

My doodle from Internetstiftelsen’s seminar ’Why conspiracy theories are a threat to democracy’

När och varför slutade ni följa nyheterna?

May 24, 202202:03:17
56. Books are wisdom just laying about in your house | with Mandell Conway

56. Books are wisdom just laying about in your house | with Mandell Conway

Books!

Who knew me and Mandell Conway, conversation-partner number two for this third season of meandering conversations, would spend a whole episode talking abouts books. (Well. More or less. Not 100% perhaps. But a lot. And as I am a book buff I was pleasantly surprised to find a book buff-friend in Mandell).

You see, I know Mandell more for the stories he writes, as we met up in end November 2020 for The Storyskills Workshop. Luckily for me, Mandell started a blog in the first months of 2022, publishing writings he somewhat irregularly shares on LinkedIn too, which is where they caught my eye. In that way, he kind of made his way into my mind as I started to ponder who I wanted to spend season three with.

It’s fascinating how easy it is to set up rules for reading, rules that might or might not serve you (or your reading habit).

’… as I began to learn and like to read and fall down these rabbit holes of self-development, I wouldn't buy books unless I was reading them. And then if I read a book, I would finish them. Then I read somewhere that it's okay to have a bunch of books in your house that you haven't read. Just look at it as if you have all this wisdom accessible to you at any moment.’ ~ Mandell

I did the same thing as Mandell, punished myself by judging me a failure if I started to read a book without finishing it. Today I’ve so let that belief go, as there are way to many books out there for me to spend my time reading books I am not getting something of value from, regardless what that ‘value’ might be.

I’ve also imposed a no-book-buying-ban on myself, having ten years or so when I’d only read library books. I’ve relaxed a lot around that issue too, buying books that I know I want to marginalia in. (No. That’s not an actual verb. But in my vocabulary it is.)

So when I learned about tsundoku (having books piled everywhere) in an article by Austin Kleon, I laughed because this is so me. He also quotes Edward Tufte:

“The important books in my library are the unread books.”

Perhaps this is true for tankespjärn as well? The important thing is to be in a setting where the potential for coming across one (or two, or…) is high. Such as when you join me and Mandell in this our first conversation. Enjoy!


Links:

Find Mandell Conway through his website Giving is like or on LinkedIn

The Storyskills Workshop

Stöld av Ann-Helén Laestadius

Do Open: How a simple email newsletter can transform your business by David Hieatt, the denim guy of Hiut Denim

Keyboard CEO course over on Do Lectures, with Mike Coulter (whose name slipped my mind…)

The Creative’s Workshop

The altMBA

Wim Hof Fundamentals

Pop the cat


May 17, 202201:24:40
55. The everyday reality of all those that came before us | with Kate Inglis

55. The everyday reality of all those that came before us | with Kate Inglis

Season three is upon us, and thus I get to introduce five new people to you!

First up is Kate Inglis. A lovely woman I connected with on Twitter after she reached out a hand. And you’ve experienced it yourself, I am sure, when you first connect with someone and you just know that there’s something there, haven’t you? A liking, an affinity, a knowing that if we were to commence walking alongside each other, we’d find a lot of value and enjoyment from it. No wonder then that she popped into my mind when I started to invite people for season three.

I could go into a long song and dance about Kate, where she’s from, what she does for a living, what experiences has shaped her and the trajectory of her life… but I won’t. Partly because I far from know enough of it, but also, mostly, because I want you to get to meet Kate. Period. Not meet who I perceive her to be, not meet who you’ll perceive her to be based on descriptors and label I put on her here. Just meet her.

The first of a series of five conversations, by the end of which I am fairly sure, both you, me and her, will individually have a knowing of Kate that is unique to us all. Which reminds me of bits in this meandering conversation, where we touch upon houses (have you ever had a house look down its nose at you, for instance?) and character, but also history. A lot about history honestly, touching on the big events that we read about in textbooks. But more specifically, pointing to the import of the tiny stories, the unremarkable lives, the everyday reality of all those that came before us. Do you know your history?

Prepare for a few rants too, at least some of which I am certain will shower your day with some (possibly sought-after) tankespjärn!

Links:

Kate Inglis is most easily found through her website

Sex and the City


A Discovery of Witches

Colonial Williamsburg

Malmö, Sweden

Riverport, Nova Scotia

1884

Buddhas by the Roadside

Bob Newhart Stop it!

Notes for the everlost by Kate Inglis

Antifragile by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

The Tankespjärn community where this type of conversation takes place in a monthly meet-up – you are more than welcome to join!

The Glass Bead Game by Herman Hesse

FB-group for announcement for upcoming Glass Bead Games

Michael Sillion aka Captain Future

Judgment and discernment in reflection, episode 47 with Steve Emery, season two

Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter


May 10, 202201:35:14
54. The algorithms don't invite tankespjärn. Conversations do. | with Matthew, Andy & Izzy

54. The algorithms don't invite tankespjärn. Conversations do. | with Matthew, Andy & Izzy

Wrapping up season two I am filled with gratitude for the experience. All of it. From inviting conversation partners to setting up the first conversations, thoroughly enjoying conversations two and three, experiencing tugs at my heartstrings in conversation four and when finding times for the group reflections, to being a bit lost-for-words during the fifth and final (individual) conversations. At long last, I am brought to this point, where I am writing the episode description for the second and last group-episode.

‘It's the conversations. That's what matters, which comes through in spades.’ ~Andy

The insight that these meandering conversations hold value on many levels sweep by like a warm spring breeze, caressing my cheek ever so softly. For me in doing 5x5 deep and honest conversations. For my partners in playful explorative conversation, a dance based on open minds and curious hearts. For listeners feeling as if you are a part of the conversations. Which you are!

‘Conversation is an important part of our lives. And we need to learn to have those [deep] conversations in a way that encourages the thinking process.’ ~Izzy

How do you get deep and honest conversations into your life? How to invite, entice, instigate them, when, where, with whom? With others and/or with yourself?

‘The algorithms don't really invite tankespjärn at all.’ ~Caspian

Where do you get seeds of enquiry, confusion, excitement to play and dance and create with?

‘Most of the time when I'm speaking, I don't know how I'm going to finish my sentence. You know, I might have a general sense of what the idea is, but I increasingly find I speak to discover. There is a certain kind of space that's required for that.’ ~Matthew

You are invited into just such a space, a space where the opportunity for tankespjärn is present, always and already. If, and when, you need nourishment, know that you are welcome to step into that space with me, with us.

Links:

The Tankespjärn community provides just such a space–you are welcome to join!

Izzy can be found through RedCheeks

Andy Mort

Andy’s Patreon page

Matthew Word Bain on Medium and Instagram

Caspian Almerud, my behind-the-scenes-man and best buddy

Me and Andy on his podcast, The Gentle Rebel Podcast

Inma (aka Imma) J Lopez, sommelier and writer on Attention

Creative Community

Steve Emery is most easily found on Color Sweet Tooth

Reddy on Twitter (and me on Twitter)

Maybe violence isn’t all that bad?!

Process-oriented therapy with Dominic Bosman Venter

The Trialogues (Sheldrake, McKenna, Abraham)

May 03, 202201:17:30
53. Conversations make for a great playground where learning is rife | with Inma, Reddy & Steve

53. Conversations make for a great playground where learning is rife | with Inma, Reddy & Steve

Rounding off season two (How IS it possible, that I’ve already had another 5x5 conversations?!), we do a repeat of what we did at the end of season one: getting everyone from the season together to share what it’s been like to partake. Here’s the first of two group conversations, with me, Reddy, Steve and Inma, chaperoned by Caspian who’s my behind-the-scenes man (and dear friend!).

Having 5x5 deep real-life meandering conversations has been very instrumental in my personal growth ever since season one took off, but there’s something very rewarding in hearing how these conversations impact my dance partners, which is what they all feel like.

“It's a very strange kind of dance these conversations. No one's really leading. No one’s really following. It's like we're taking turns or it's like… we don't even know? I mean, the dance floor is changing, the dance keeps changing and it's almost like the partners keep changing because every time we speak, we move from one topic to another.” ~Reddy

As there’s no topic to start off with, what wants to happen is invited to happen, which incidentally makes for a great playground where learning is rife.

“You have a conversation in a protected space and you learn how to ride without training wheels, and then you find you can do it someplace else.” ~Steve

Sometimes it’s not even what we say, but that we say it, and how our voices come together to help create a space of intimacy.

“There’s also the component of the sound of our voices, that for me, with Izzy and Helena, it’s just like Oh my God, this is good because the sound of their voices when they are talking is just so intimate, and they are talking about intimacy. It’s a WOW for me. It becomes like threads of the fabric [that we are collectively weaving by participating in the meandering conversations], the sounds of our voices.” ~Inma

Tag along with me, Reddy, Steve, Inma and Caspian, as we reflect on the past six months. Perhaps those pieces of tankespjärn aren’t quite as obvious… but… they are there. Promise!

Links:

Steve Emery is most easily found on Color Sweet Tooth

Reddy on Twitter (and me on Twitter)

Inma J Lopez, sommelier and writer on Attention

Caspian Almerud, my behind-the-scenes-man and best buddy

The Creatives Workshop (aka PRO2 that Steve refers too, I attended PRO1) of Akimbo

The Tankespjärn community where this type of conversation takes place in a monthly meet-up – you are more than welcome to join!

Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer

The Creative Community (that me, Steve, Inma and Matthew are all engaged in)

Antifragile by Nassim Nicholas Taleb

Apr 26, 202201:22:53