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(written and performed by Val Petrone)

A smoky bar, 7 ft tall people, and a creature who almost could be Billy Joel, if Billy Joel's eyes were shaped like Massachusetts  (both in eye shape and in pupil). Welcome back to a regular episode of Creature Report, featuring our friend looking for a new friend, codename Conrad Growler (cool name, right?). Join Conrad and I as we introduce ourselves to a big, beefy, POSSIBLY many armed possibly not many armed New Stepdad. Happy Father's day? 

Content Warnings: though no explicit nature occurs in this episode, there is conversation of shitty parental figures in this episode. 

All sounds used in this episode can be found on freesound.org

Zlkoxa txp illhfkd clo pljblkb ql cfdeq efp pqbm axa fk xii qeb ofdeq mixzbp.

Sxi fp illhfkd clo xkptbop fk xii qeb tolkd lkbp.

Zebzh pljbqefkd vlr'ob cxjfifxo tfqe, obmloqbo. 

Qoxfk vlro yoxfk.

As we escaped the clutches of Qwerty last week, we take a lil break from creatures to let you meet our new intern! This is a recording from the Intern's first day we accidentally took, but it had some great stuff regarding creature exploration and how we do things here at the Creature Report studios! Great thanks to newest member of the team....uh....Tim? no no, wait. Jim. Jim the intern. 

Content Warnings: though no explicit nature occurs in this episode, we will be talking about HR compliancy/safety in a light manner. 

All sounds used in this episode can be found on freesound.org

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-.-. .... .. .-.. -.. .... --- --- -.. / - --- -.-- ... --..-- / -.-. .... .. .-.. -.. .... --- --- -.. / ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. ... .-.-.- / .-- .... .- - .----. ... / --- -. / - .... .- - / - .-. .- .. -. .. -. --. / ...- .. -.. . --- / -- -.-- / ..-. .-. .. . -. -.. ..--..

In a world of felt creation,

imagination is our play station.

Folks, friends, and pals all invited

to the place where dreams are ignited

welcome young and old unto

a place of magic Szechuan Avenue!

.......

......but somethings wrong, isn't it? 

After a bit of a hiatus, we're back and more monsterous than ever with PODCASTING'S OWN JEFF STORMER!!!! I know, we could hardly contain our excitement either. With Jeff, we meet up with a viscous sort of friend with a large body, brass knuckles for snacks, and an interest not only in Bruce Springsteen, but....well......Podcasting's Own Jeff Stormer! (who doesnt, though). Content warning, dear listeners and viewers, for light and fun horror based on doppelgangers and mimics.

All sfx done by Jeff Stormer & utilized from freesound.org

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What has different eyes for different partners, is Beyoncé’s least favorite creature, knows the name of Zeus' penis, and has a huge crush on Chester Arthur? Well, find out tonight on a new Creature Report with Val Petrone and tonight’s guest, the magical, mystical, multifaceted creature handler and podcaster with a few godlike tendencies, JV Hampton-VanSant.

SFX

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40R1IJg08E4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRjzVuk6Sgs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6_8SlZZwvQ

Also a clip from Batman Forever. It's free use.

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Be kind today, we're approaching what some call "a gay little man that fucks good", as we meet up with friend of the show Arthur (no last name) and ......Arthur....or, Arthur and Arby. We figure it out by the end, we promise. So get your smoochin' lips ready, because this creature won't leave until the pact is sealed, and keep an eye on the curly fries. 

Sound FX

Ambiance: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtwef1_CnYw

lives.

In quite the pickle tonight, viewers and listeners- or maybe, quite the chocolate orange? We get on the hunt for Miibo and find something a little different, all in the backyard Val's place- Joined with us today is local chocolatier and coffee crafter Emery Crumb, who is looking for a lost friend in all the right places. 

Sound FX

Outdoors: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lec06acI6dE

Coffee: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rS8VgZW_fsY

Mombo crunch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_kabxNJM1k

Additional SFX: Val Petrone

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We've got the purrrrfect creature for you today, viewers and listeners- all thanks to the help of podcasting powerhouse and audio wizard Ryan Boelter and his amazing audio prowess. Come join us in an abandoned amusement park where birds sing, cats meow, and Wigglesworth judges our taste in 80s rock and pop music. 

Sound FX found on https://freesound.org/

https://freesound.org/people/cloe.king/sounds/452797/

https://freesound.org/people/Zabuhailo/sounds/146960/

https://freesound.org/people/InspectorJ/sounds/456440/

https://freesound.org/people/Counter-gamer/sounds/213889/

https://freesound.org/people/Timmeh515/sounds/413277/

https://freesound.org/people/Snapper4298/sounds/255588/

Additional SFX: Val Petrone

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Tonight, viewers and listeners, we’re meeting up with my old friend from set- Glormph the Amorphous Blob to meet a friend of his whose abundance of video game skills and just right amount of boobs will have you saying “wait, is this creature going to rip off my entire arm?”. Venture into this apartment complex with us as we meet Daniel---er, not Daniel.

Sound FX:

Glormph noise: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hp42HCcgyic

City Ambience: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aewy0lS3DG4

Footsteps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5v3FY_HrC2I

Elevator: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdAm1wtuSgs

Additional SFX: Val Petrone

wh hccy am ofa pih w fsufsk wh ghfcbusf, bck am ofag tssz hsb hwasg zcbusf.

Happy Valentine’s Day, viewers and listeners. Tonight we have treats galore for you as we meet Sporty Roach, a creature whose interest in LARPing as an athletic person takes us to the community center pool and the local pizzaria. Joining us on this venture is the cute and pretty— I mean, clever and proficient former college turned newscaster Mitt Brinkman.

Sound FX credit

Tentacle effect : https://www.soundsnap.com/search/audio/Grabbing+meat+with+wet+slaps/score

Additional FX : Val Petrone

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It's been a while, hasn't it......

It's been a long backlog, listeners and viewers. So here's the last one from Halloween: Tonight, instead of hitting the bars or partying, we're staying in with out guest anchor Ghosty and their new roommate, Roomie. Join us for talks about ghost hunting videos, living pet rocks, and definitely not Val getting sucked into the fifth dimension underneath Ghosty's couch. q

Grab your candy corn and divorce lawyer- the Creature Report sets out on a stakeout! Parked across the street from a spooky house, we're joined in tonights creature watch by none other than Addison Peacock! (No, not that Addison Peacock. A ghost who lives in the car with no relation to Addison Peacock, we swear). Will we find a spooky friend? Or perhaps a vile foe? Grab your penny candies and tune in to find out! y

Today we're greeted and co-anchored by Creature Report SUPERFAN Scottye Moore. Though we'll say the creature that they brought us too was a bit underwhelming, the emotions ran high and we wound up realizing that maybe the Creature Report was the friends you made along the way....or at least, the fans with a few personalities and bodily changes. a

Lions and tigers and bears and creatures and monsters and cryptids, oh my! We're going out into the woods today with artist, performer, and creature psychic extraordinaire Krem Zaroogian! Here we meet a hot sort of cryptid with glitches, tentacles, and a pipe that would make most stoners cringe on sight. t

Hitting the park today, meeting our new leggy, large, and legalist creature, Stick! Or, it's named Stick by our guest today, a whip-smart talking dog with a taste for biscuits and the unusual, our puppy pal Piper! Join me and my coanchor for dream reading, language discussion, and a Popeyes chicken sandwich. q

Join just Val, and whatever this thing is. It's just Not A Ghost. y

We're going to the museum this episode of the Creature Report, meeting a creature we can see so many (69) sides of. Join Val Petrone and today's guest anchor, actress, podcast, and true dream of a being Alice Kyra, as we connect with a nameless, dimensionful creature who protects lgbt+ folks and screams psychically about stra--straig--oh, just tune in. a

TW; themes of unreality

We're back, friends and foes, with another episode of Creature Report. Tonight, we dive into an abandoned(?) mall and come face to faceless with Beak Face. The mononymous, fabulous monster match maker and clown killer Nova gives us some monster dating tips while they join us for this reality bending creature. o

Okay....let's get this one over with. Today's Creature Report might be a bit....underwhelming? Sorry about that; the monster is cool! The guest is....well....Alex Flanigan, FORMERLY of Cryptid Keeper. Let's get this show on the road, nothing to see here, except a psychic polyamorous gargoyle. x

Things are getting a little rosy here on Creature Report number 2! We're  joined by night cryptojournalist Mae Murphy for wild things that go bump in the night in a Chuck E  C-- I mean, a Childrens Entertainment Venue. Lots of teeth? Christian rock? Mysterious ringing? All that and more, when you tune in! q