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Well Sh*t. It really is that simple...

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple...

By The Universal Needs

Join Claire & Serena as they take you through a journey to discover more about your Universal Needs, WHY they aren't currently being well met, HOW to meet them in ways that work for you and how to CONSISTENTLY do so in quick, easy and simple ways that fit seamlessly into your life. A combination of personal development & entertainment, this podcast shows you how meeting your Universal Needs is VITAL to all the most important areas of your life including relationships, mental health, self worth, business, parenting, boundaries, emotional wellbeing and more...with plenty of fun along the way.
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Episode 117 - Big Doings...

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple...Feb 12, 2024

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08:37
Episode 117 - Big Doings...
Feb 12, 202408:37
Episode 116 - Quick tips for building your capacity

Episode 116 - Quick tips for building your capacity

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 116 - Quick tips for building your capacityFull Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuideWell shit. It's no surprise that we like things that are quick, easy and simple. In this episode we share some of our favorite ways to build capacity in the tap root of our Universal Needs Tree. Tune in to find out how you can help build your own capacity from the ground up and begin taking the steps to getting where you want to be.In this episode, we cover…

  • The need at the source of our capacity
  • What is the "Well Shit" program
  • The different types of rest
  • Serena's mystical nagging
  • The importance of the routine
  • Finding out what works for you
  • How to make things into no brainers
  • The importance of peeing
  • How to build capacity to get your to your "goal"
  • The starting power of a wiggle
  • Why you're not lazy
  • Claire's approach to making nutrition easier
  • Sometimes a waffle just isn't doing it
  • How to feel more nourished and supported
Feb 05, 202401:13:10
Episode 115 - Are you intimidating or are they intimidated?

Episode 115 - Are you intimidating or are they intimidated?

Have you ever been told you are intimidating? We find people who use this language don't often actually mean what they are saying. Join us in this episode as we find out what they really mean and discuss why this happens, what needs are at play and how we can begin to remove this dynamic from our lives.

In this episode, we cover…

  • What hasn't changed in the new year
  • The difference between are you being intimidating or are they intimidated?
  • Why this is such an issue in our society
  • What the labels bitch and bossy can really mean
  • Claire's intimidation on the dance floor
  • What is AOL?
  • Where the responsibility lies
  • Serena's "fun" size
  • The illusion of intimidating
  • The two needs usually at play
  • What plays a significant role into these dynamics
  • What happens with power hungry people
  • Claire's first with Miss Piggy
  • Where the feeling of intimidated comes from
  • The different ways intimidated can come through
  • How to know when is it a You thing or a Them thing
  • How to remove pedestals
  • How we can avoid making ourselves smaller

Episode references:

  • The Imposter Syndrome episode- Episode 114 - How to deal with Imposter Syndrome
  • The sorry not sorry episode- Episode 66 - People Pleasing Series - Sorry Not Sorry
Jan 29, 202401:12:34
Episode 114 - How to deal with Imposter Syndrome

Episode 114 - How to deal with Imposter Syndrome

Have you ever found yourself feeling not enough, not deserving doubting your abilities and worried that it's a matter of time before people figure you out? Well, you're not alone and you're likely suffering from imposter syndrome. The good news is, theres a way to get that imposter out of your life for good. Tune in to find out how...


In this episode, we cover…

  • The effect this can have on entrepreneurship
  • What we do to help us process emotionally
  • The relationship between imposter syndrome and systemic imbalance
  • The root of imposter syndrome
  • The difference between "knowing it" and "KNOWING IT"
  • What "just let it go" actually means
  • The illusion of value
  • Our experiences with our own imposter syndrome
  • How your inexperience with something can actually bring more value to your role
  • What is a "Pinterest Mom"
  • The places in our lives imposter syndrome shows up
  • The best ways to meet our Value Need
  • How to counteract a triggered Value Need

Episode references:

  • Our last episode- Episode 113 - Are you struggling with things that you 'have to', 'need to' or 'should' do?
Jan 22, 202453:28
Episode 113 - Are you struggling with things that you 'have to', 'need to' or 'should' do?

Episode 113 - Are you struggling with things that you 'have to', 'need to' or 'should' do?

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 113 - Are you struggling with things that you 'have to', 'need to' or 'should' do? is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

The new year often brings in a whole list of things we find our self thinking we have to, need to or should be doing. The weight of these words can make the whole process of what we are doing more undesirable and difficult. In today's episode we dive into how changing your language around the things we "have to", "need to" or "should" do, can change so much more than just the way we speak.

In this episode, we cover…

  • So many celebrations
  • Introduction to our newest podcast member
  • The impact of the language "have to", "need to" and should
  • Would you rather be too hot or too cold?
  • Claire's love-hate relationship with exercise and how she has made it more enjoyable
  • Why the inner critic is not an asshole
  • The impact of the language "get to", "want to" and "choose to"
  • The importance of listening to yourself, body and being
  • How changing your language can change how things feel
  • The snowball effect when you enact your Personal Power
  • Why this is not the "Shapes Episode" that we had intended on recording
  • How choice makes things easier and changes the energy around what you're doing
  • The problem with "but"
  • The antidote to control
  • The importance of choosing in the context of needs
  • What's your why?
  • How the Needs Lens helps you to make better choices


Episode references:

  • New Years episode- Episode 58 - Our Wholeness Holiday Series: How to start the year filled up
  • Toxic positivity episode- Episode 39 - Just HOW toxic is Toxic Positivity?
  • Control episode- Episode 24 - How the need to have control is controlling you
  • Needs Formula episode- Episode 70 - Burning the candle at both ends series: The Needs Formula
Jan 15, 202452:18
Episode 112 - Podcast Pause: We're Walking Our Talk

Episode 112 - Podcast Pause: We're Walking Our Talk

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 112 - Podcast Pause: We're Walking Our Talk is now LIVE!Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuideAfter a very challenging end to 2023, we have decided to take a small Podcast Pause in order to walk our talk and rebuild our capacity. But rather than leaving you with no episode, today we have a short episode with some episode recommendations for you, depending on where you're at right now.In this episode, we cover…

  • Why we're doing thing a little different at the beginning of 2024
  • What are the Sprinkles on this episode's sundae?
  • How to use the episode guide to find the episodes that are right for where you're at right now (link to the episode guide here: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide)
  • Some of the episodes and series that might resonate with where you're at right now, including:
    • If you're waiting for an apology you're probably never going to get
    • If you need to make an apology and want to do it in a way that will give the best chance of healing the relationship
    • If you have compromised your boundaries, how to begin to address that
    • If you're dealing with anxiety and want to know how to best support yourself with it
    • If you're feeling the pressure of the New Year and want to know how to ease that feeling
    • If you're burnt out or at risk of burning out how to best support yourself
    • What to do if you're really struggling right now
    • If you aren't currently living in a Selfirst way, how you can begin doing so
    • If you're struggling with self worth at the moment
    • If you're struggling with capacity and want to know how to navigate life while honoring your capacity
    • If you want to know how to increase your capacity
    • If you're struggling with any of your relationships right now
    • If you're experiencing grief right now and want to know how to support yourself with it
    • If you're dealing with conflict, and want to know how to deal with it best
    • If you're dealing with the consequences of trauma, and want to understand it better and how to begin healing from it
    • If you want to know how to build your resilience
    • If you're dealing with guilt or shame and want to know how to navigate through and heal from it
    • If you want to support others and would like to find out how to do that without compromising yourself
  • How things are the wrong way around today!
  • If there isn't an episode for what you're going through right now, an invitation to reach out to us and make an episode request
  • And lastly an invitation for you to take a pause and a rest if that's what would best support you and your needs right now
  • See you soon! x
Jan 08, 202418:58
Episode 111 - It's OK to change behaviors if they no longer meet your needs

Episode 111 - It's OK to change behaviors if they no longer meet your needs

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 111 - It's OK to change behaviors if they no longer meet your needs is now LIVE!Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuideHappy New Year!!! This time of year we are usually being bombarded by messages of "New year, new you", "Fresh Start", "Make this your year", etc., and although this episode isn't necessarily about the new year, it is a great time to check in and see if what you're doing is actually working for you. So often we get ourselves into the pattern of doing things and because they become pattern, rarely do we check in to see whether these things are still working for and serving us. Join us as we discuss the challenges behind changing our behavior, the internal pressures we face, finding out what works for you...or what doesn't and how to begin to make the changes needed for you to do things in alignment with yourself and where you are currently at in the moment. This year we are leaving new year, new you behind and making new year, new choices our focus. In this episode, we cover…

  • Taking the pressure of the new year
  • The excess of the "holiday season" and how that meets and compromises our needs in the new year
  • The vicious cycle of denial and excess we find ourselves in
  • Checking in with your patterns
  • How what is draining your needs, no longer meets your needs and therefore is no longer relevant
  • How doing "Your Thing" doesn't always serve you
  • The questions to ask yourself to find where your at
  • The challenges behind changing your behavior when other people are involved
  • Our experience as recovering Rescuers
  • How to make the changes needed to meet your needs
  • Where our own self expectations can get in the way of having our needs met
  • How we get into the pattern of compromising ourselves
  • How consistency for the sake of consistency often does not meet our needs in the long term
  • What your hesitation likely means and why its valid
  • FOMO and JOMO
  • What is the sober bitch and why does it meet our needs?
  • Creating options
  • The ripple effect of small changes
  • Last year's New Years episode- Episode 58 - Our Wholeness Holiday Series: How to start the year filled up
  • The episode about what's draining your needs- Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 108 - Why am I so depleted series: What drains your needs

Episode references:

Jan 01, 202401:05:11
Episode 110 - When it doesn't compromise your needs, if you support the needs of others, you'll get a boost too

Episode 110 - When it doesn't compromise your needs, if you support the needs of others, you'll get a boost too

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 110 - When it doesn't compromise your needs, if you support the needs of others, you'll get a boost too is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Merry Christmas, Happy Monday or Happy Whatever day it is when you're listening! Today we aren't talking about the joy of the season but the joy in helping others to support their needs. Especially this time of year, many of us find ourselves giving and exchanging not only things, but the meeting of needs as well. Join us as we discuss the ripple effect that simple acts of resourced support can have on individuals, ourselves and the community as a whole.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How Serena's cup of coffee inspired this episode
  • How it's possible to help people in supporting their needs without causing negative impact to yourself and how good that can feel
  • Claire's killer barista skills and how they helped to support Serena
  • How it supports us to support the needs of others in the community (from a Selfirst place)
  • The ripple effect of support that can be created from one simple act
  • The importance of remembering the interconnectedness of people
  • The benefit to us when we support someone else's needs
  • How this relates to The Universal Needs Ecosystem
  • When it doesn't cost us anything, where's the downside?
  • The difference between I can help/I want to help/I get to help and I should help
  • Things you can do to offer, contribute and help support the needs of the person and how that helps to create community
  • The feeling of fulfillment


Episode references:

  • The episode we talk about The Universal Needs Ecosystem- Episode 36 - Self worth Series: Why it's so hard to feel 'enough'


Dec 25, 202354:39
Episode 109 - Why am I so depleted series: People Who Suck

Episode 109 - Why am I so depleted series: People Who Suck

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 109 - Why am I so depleted series: People Who Suck is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Some people just suck. In our third and final episode of the Why am I so depleted series, we are going to talk about people who suck. We all have those people in our life where it's just draining to be around them. Tune in to find out why people suck so much, how we can place boundaries that supports ourself, the other person and the relationship and how to prevent sucky people from getting to your resource cup. 

In this episode, we cover…

  • The different ways people can suck
  • How it's often those we are closest to and care about most
  • The opportunity to help "vampires" meet their needs for themselves
  • The unconscious patterns that people develop that cause them to suck
  • The unconscious patterns that we develop that allow people to suck or having us pouring from our own depleted source
  • How we can manage these situations in a way that is supportive of us and our relationship and doesn't negatively impact others
  • The importance of boundaries and the misconception about placing them in these situations
  • How pouring from your cup may not actually be helpful
  • Where responsibility lies within your relationships
  • How a lack of capacity can erode your relationships
  • Why we need two cups
  • Offering suggestions on how someone can help themselves fill their own cup
  • The selfish, selfless and selfirst ways of filling our cups
  • What can be created by combining the knowledge of capacity, what's draining your needs and how to place boundaries with people who suck
  • The fear of removing other's straw from your cup and how it can make your relationship stronger when you do
  • Sometimes we suck
  • Episode 21 - Selfirst Series: The difference between doing harm and not meeting needs that were never your responsibility
  • The Boundaries Episode- Boundaries: If you don't respect the door, you get the gate
  • The Boundaries Series- Episode 101 - Boundaries Series: What exactly ARE boundaries?- Episode 102 - Boundaries Series: How to know what your boundaries are- Episode 103 - Boundaries Series: How to communicate your boundaries
  • The Capacity Episode- Episode 107 - Why am I so depleted series: Capacity

Episode references:

Dec 18, 202356:17
Episode 108 - Why am I so depleted series: What drains your needs

Episode 108 - Why am I so depleted series: What drains your needs

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 108 - Why am I so depleted series: What drains your needs is now LIVE!Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuideIn our second episode of our Why am I so depleted series, we cover one of the single most important topics yet...what drains your needs. You can't meet your needs effectively if you don't know what is impacting them and why. By discovering and managing what is draining our needs, we can begin to meet them in effective and fulfilling ways. In this episode, we cover…

  • Why Claire thinks the content of this episode is as, if not  more, important than learning to meet your needs
  • How not knowing what is draining your needs is like trying to fill a bucket with a hole on the bottom
  • How staying at her previous job to meet her needs, Serena was actually compromising her needs far more
  • What it means when you find yourself prepping to go into situations
  • The role trauma plays in meeting your needs
  • How we often find those close to us can see the holes in our needs bucket before we can
  • Finding the balance we need to ensure our needs are being met far more than they are being cost
  • How getting your needs met outside your primary relationship is not a threat to the relationship it can actually make it stronger
  • How do we plug the gaps in our needs bucket
  • The importance of setting boundaries
  • What happens when we "make it work"
  • The role being selfless plays in draining your needs
  • Plugging into the source to fill your tank and then give to others
  • How Joe's newest job has him living his best work life
  • How judgement can drain our needs
  • The fear of confronting what is draining us
  • The episode where Claire tells how The Universal Needs came about- Episode 9 - Trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom
  • The trauma episodes- Episode 51 - How to increase your resilience- Episode 65 - People Pleasing Series: The root of most people pleasing
  • The trauma series- Episode 86 - Trauma Series: What is trauma?- Episode 87 - Trauma Series: How do you identify trauma?- Episode 88 - Trauma Series: How to heal trauma and triggers
  • The Needs Formula episode- Episode 70 - Burning the candle at both ends series: The Needs Formula
  • The selfless episode- Episode 2 - The wisdom of Joey Tribbiani (An introduction to being Selfirst)
  • The Selfirst series- Episode 20 - Selfirst Series: What is Selfirst? Let's get specific…- Episode 21 - Selfirst Series: The difference between doing harm and not meeting needs that were never your responsibility- Episode 22 - Selfirst Series: A safe space vs a comfortable space, how a comfortable space can actually cost your needs
  • The Boundaries Series
  • Episode 101 - Boundaries Series: What exactly ARE boundaries?
  • Episode 102 - Boundaries Series: How to know what your boundaries are
  • Episode 103 - Boundaries Series: How to communicate your boundaries

Episode references:

Dec 11, 202357:35
Episode 107 - Why am I so depleted series: Capacity - How to Avoid Burning Out

Episode 107 - Why am I so depleted series: Capacity - How to Avoid Burning Out

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 107 - Why am I so depleted series: Capacity - How to Avoid Burning Out is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Do you ever find yourself saying I'm just so tired / exhausted / drained and I don't know why? Well, you are not alone. In this episode we talk about capacity and its importance in meeting your needs.

In this episode, we cover…

  • Meet the newest member of the Universal Needs Team 
  • The simple answer to why are you depleted and why that answer isn't so simple
  • What is capacity?
  • What is chunking up and chunking down, and why it is helpful in managing our capacity
  • How not honoring your capacity can actually compromise the needs your trying to meet
  • How capacity is like health bars in a video game
  • How do you know when you are nearing or over capacity
  • What are puddling and the snow globe effect?
  • Crying over spilled milk, why its important and what it means
  • The difference between what someone is dealing with and where they are at themselves
  • How to figure out what is causing the compromise in your capacity and the needs connected those things
  • Why ignoring your needs doesn't work
  • How to increase your capacity
  • The Universal Needs Tree and focusing on the root
  • How to set yourself up for when you don't have capacity
  • How the language of capacity can help your relationships and you honoring where you are at
  • How negative self talk can affect our capacity

Episode references:

  • The episode we refer to the glass and plastic balls- Episode 20 - Selfirst Series: What is Selfirst? Let's get specific…
  • The episode we refer to processing- Episode 68 - That’s not rambling, it’s meeting your needs
  • Episode 89 - What to do when you’re REALLY struggling…
  • The episode we refer to the inner critic- Episode 92 - How to deal with the inner critic and inner saboteur
Dec 04, 202301:08:11
Episode 106 - Podcastaversary 2! How do you know when your needs are unmet?

Episode 106 - Podcastaversary 2! How do you know when your needs are unmet?

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 106 - Podcastaversary 2! How do you know when your needs are unmet?is now LIVE!Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuideToday we celebrate TWO YEARS of podcasting, and we couldn't believe we haven't covered this topic yet! So today we dive into how to know when your needs are unmet and give you some ideas for how to start to shift things in a direction that will feel much better.In this episode, we cover…

  • Happy 2nd Podcastiversary...ish
  • Our highlights from the last year
  • How to know when your needs aren't being met
  • Recognizing that these indicators may relate to other things, for example medical conditions
  • The importance of assessing these indicators in the context of whatever your "normal" is
  • Using anxiety as an example to differentiate between the indicator being about unmet needs, being about a medical condition or being about both
  • Some of the indicators of unmet needs
    • Anxiety
      • What is needs based anxiety?
    • Irritability
    • Resistance
    • Lack of motivation or apathy
    • Stress
    • Feeling like you should be happy but your not
    • Feeling tension (physical, emotional, mental, relationships)
    • Feeling there's something missing
    • Life seeming to be full of problems
    • Mood swings
    • Addictive tendencies / bad habits / destructive behaviors we're trying to change (We may be doing these things to either to meet our needs or mask our unmet needs as a form of coping)
    • Relationship issues
    • Craving of approval / acknowledgement
    • Perfectionism
    • Wanting to have control
    • Feeling powerless (in respect to anything)
    • Not feeling enough / worthy / deserving
    • Imposter syndrom
    • Feeling of no choice (I have to do this because I don't have any other choice)
    • Feeling numb or disconnected
    • Feeling emotional
  • Moods, emotions, physical and psychological states that indicate unmet needs
  • How things that happen in day to day life will affect you more when your needs are unmet
  • How unmet needs are often unconsciously pulling the stings of our behaviors without us being  aware of it
  • How it's likely you'll be experiencing multiple of these indicators at the same time
  • How we can spin our unmet needs to sound like something positive
  • Examples of things to do if you notice these indicators showing up so you can begin to meet your needs better
  • How knowing that you have unmet needs allows you to start doing something to better meet them
  • What your highest priority is when you're experiencing 1 or more of these indicators
  • How just 2 minutes a day can start to make a difference in shifting this
  • What to do when you start to notice these indicators
  • How you can help support the people around you in keeping their needs met without it being to your detriment
  • Looking for the options for the ways you can meet your needs in easy and effective ways
  • Antidote to anxiety- Episode 28
  • Why am I not doing the thing I want to do- Episode 98
  • How to shift bad habits or change behaviors- Episode 91
  • How to get over perfectionism- Episode 23
  • What to do when you're really struggling- Episode 89
Nov 27, 202301:31:33
Episode 105 - Don’t negatively impact the needs of the people you want around

Episode 105 - Don’t negatively impact the needs of the people you want around

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 105 - Don’t negatively impact the needs of the people you want around is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Certain people try to manipulate others to get them to do what they want or cause a sense of obligation by attempting to create a power dynamic. This may have the opposite effect, as people might pull away from this behavior. In this episode we talk about how the Personal Power Need and Value Needs come into this scenario, why this behavior is never acceptable and how people can move further away or closer to us depending on how they affect our needs.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How some people treat others in a certain way to try and meet their needs by creating a power dynamic 
  • How this is related to our Personal Power Need
  • How some people have a habit of guilting or shaming people to get them to do what they want them to do
  • How this is not acceptable behavior
  • How our Value Need is chronically unmet in our culture causing us not to feel worthy of people showing up for us unless they feel obligated to
  • How the pressure from the obligation that is created makes people less inclined to show up
  • “Never let an authority figure cause you to either submit or rebel” - Marshall Rosenberg - which means doing what’s right for us no matter what the authority figure is saying
  • How some people expect others to meet their needs irrespective of whether it meets the other person’s needs or not
  • How if we give in to a power dynamic, it will cause that person to use it again
  • How we can communicate what we need and/or set a boundary if it is safe to do so
  • The benefit of going into creator mode to try and find something that works for us both
  • How we can choose to spend less time with someone if that person is not willing to understand what we are trying to communicate
  • How it is ok not to want to spend time with someone who regularly negatively impacts your needs
  • How people can move closer or further away in our orbits depending on how they impact our needs 
  • An invitation to show up for and support people that you want as part of your life and not negatively impact them

Episode references:

Guilt and shame series: Episode 43 - The Guilt & Shame Series: The difference between guilt and shame; Episode 44 - The Guilt & Shame Series: That's not guilt, it's shame in disguise; Episode 45 - The Guilt & Shame Series: That's not guilt, it's an attempt at manipulating your humanity

Episode 103 - Boundaries Series: How to communicate your boundaries 

The episode we refer to where we speak about the relationship orbits is Episode 17 - What to do when you're waiting for an apology that will never come

Nov 20, 202301:10:38
 Episode 104 - You don’t need to be in crisis to ask for help or meet your needs

Episode 104 - You don’t need to be in crisis to ask for help or meet your needs

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 104 - You don’t need to be in crisis to ask for help or meet your needs is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

A lot of us wait till we are neck-deep in a situation to ask for help or take care of ourselves. Today we are here to tell you that you don’t need to wait that long, or at all to ask for support. In this episode, we talk about why we tend to ask for help only when we’re in crisis, why it’s important to accept or ask for support before that and how meeting our needs before a crisis happens is a form of preventative wellness.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How you do not need to wait until you’re in crisis to ask for support and/or meet your needs
  • How many of us wait to be in some sort of crisis to ask for help/support, even from friends or family members
  • How when we ask for help when we are in crisis, the help and support we get is just to deal with the crisis and recover from it 
  • How the length of time it takes us to recover from a crisis and the impact it has on our needs is huge
  • How if we get the help and support you need before a crisis happens, we might be able to avoid the crisis altogether
  • How meeting our needs helps us to deal better with a crisis by having more resilience and more capacity and the ability to recover from these situations quicker
  • How feeling that we don’t need support/help/meeting our needs before a crisis comes up means that we think we are not important enough to prioritize our needs until it becomes critical. This is an indication that our value need is compromised
  • How waiting for a crisis to happen before asking for help makes it harder for the other person to support us 
  • How we do not need to be struggling at all to ask for help
  • How it’s ok to ask for support when we don’t need support because that’s what community is for
  • We invite you to create a community that you can lean into without having to be in crisis
  • How a lot of people think that we have to try to do whatever we can on our own and exhaust all the options before we ask for support
  • How asking for help when we are not in crisis might make the experience more enjoyable for everyone involved, and how leaving it until we are neck deep in the situation means that the situation is stressful for others too
  • This also holds true for meeting our needs. We do not need to be in crisis to meet our needs 
  • How meeting our needs only when we are in crisis means that we only meet our needs to recover from the crisis
  • The importance of meeting our needs in a Selfirst way to stay resourced
  • How meeting our needs is preventative wellness
  • How living in a society that tells us that we are not a priority prevents us from proactively meeting our needs
  • How being exhausted and burnt out is considered a badge of honor in today’s culture
  • How this is a subconscious way of meeting our needs
  • How we need to acknowledge people when they take care of their needs and the importance of creating an environment that does so

Episode references:The episode in which we share about the glass and plastic balls is Episode 20 - What is Selfirst? Let's get specific…

Nov 13, 202357:44
Episode 103 - Boundaries Series: How to communicate your boundaries

Episode 103 - Boundaries Series: How to communicate your boundaries

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 103 - Boundaries Series: How to communicate your boundaries is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Communicating boundaries is an important part of the whole process. However, there may be a lot of hesitation regarding how to go about it that may prevent us from setting the boundary in the first place. Today we go through how to communicate a boundary, how to ask about other people’s boundaries and how setting boundaries can create more possibilities for our relationships.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How our boundaries get crossed frequently throughout our life, especially when we are children
  • How boundaries are crossed more in BBIMP (black, brown, indigenous and myelinated people coined by @AccordingToWeeze), transgender and other people in the LGBTQIA+ community or people who have a disability
  • How we are taught that our boundaries will be crossed and society doesn’t care
  • How we internalize our boundaries being consistently crossed as not being worthy of having our boundaries respected
  • How this may prevent us from communicating our boundaries
  • How enforcing our boundaries means that we are respecting our Value Need
  • How we do not have to communicate our boundaries if we do not feel that it is safe for us to do so
  • How a person with an unmet Personal Power Need might try to exert control over someone else by crossing their boundaries
  • A reminder that boundaries are not fixed, but change a lot of the time
  • How we need to be good at communicating what our boundaries are in the moment
  • How communicating boundaries may help us distance ourselves from situations or people we are not comfortable with but how they can also help to bring us closer to the people we wish to be more intimate with
  • How the way we communicate our boundaries makes a difference in the way they are received
  • The importance of making the boundary about us, our feelings and our needs when communicating it to the other person 
  • The importance of explaining how the boundary we set will benefit the other person and letting them know if it is only relevant to where you’re at in that moment
  • How we don’t owe anyone any explanation and how it is our choice to offer one
  • How we might want to explain a boundary to the people closest to us as soon as we are aware of them
  • How communicating hard boundaries is best done ahead of time, in a neutral emotional space and why this is beneficial
  • Why we need to say “thank you” when when someone is setting a boundary with us 
  • How boundaries are one of the tools a creator uses to shape their relationships
  • How having a relationship with someone who wants to know what our boundaries are and co-create boundaries that work for us can strengthen the relationship
  • How we don’t have to wait for someone to communicate a boundary with us. We can ask
  • How when we are good at setting boundaries, people will come to us more 
  • How expectations and boundaries are closely related
  • How boundaries can create possibilities
  • How the more we set boundaries, the easier it gets and how we may want to introduce boundaries around small things first
  • How stating boundaries in a matter-of-fact way makes it less personal
  • How setting boundaries is a constant learning process
  • How having small boundaries honored can build trust
  • The importance of taking care of ourselves and the needs that have been impacted when one of our boundaries is crossed before you communicate about it if we can
  • The importance of having actions in mind if one of our boundaries is crossed and how there can be steps to those actions
  • How the action you take when a boundary is crossed doesn't necessarily need to be communicated and how that action might change depending on the situation
Nov 06, 202301:19:36
Episode 102 - Boundaries Series: How to know what your boundaries are

Episode 102 - Boundaries Series: How to know what your boundaries are

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 102 - Boundaries Series: How to know what your boundaries are is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Now that we have identified what a boundary is, how can we begin to identify what OUR boundaries are? In today’s episode we go through how to identify what a boundary is, how boundaries are not set in stone and the importance of respecting your own boundaries to be able to communicate them and enforce them with others.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How a lot of people don’t know what their boundaries are because we were never taught about them
  • How if boundaries are crossed, one or more of our needs are negatively impacted. This is a good indicator when we want to identify our boundaries
  • How when someone crosses our boundaries, it results in trauma. 
  • The importance of checking in with ourselves when our needs have been impacted to identify whether a boundary has been crossed
  • How boundaries are not set in stone
  • We give examples of how boundaries can change depending on the situation (like mood, capacity, stress levels, how well our needs are met and more)
  • How honoring someone’s boundaries proactively builds more trust in a relationship
  • How boundaries can bring people closer together
  • The importance of understanding how our boundaries change
  • How when a person steps up to a boundary, there is generally some kind of mental or physical response/tension. This can help us to identify our boundaries
  • We encourage you to be gentle with yourselves around boundaries, especially because they change all the time
  • How having boundaries crossed can be learning moments to set boundaries in the future
  • How different people experience the discomfort of having their boundaries crossed in different ways
  • How when a boundary is crossed it is possible for us to react with a trauma response
  • The importance of asking ourselves why we feel uncomfortable in certain situations
  • How an impartial trusted friend can help ask questions objectively to help us figure out where the discomfort came from 
  • The importance of checking in with someone before a potential boundary is crossed
  • How we can cross our own boundaries too, how this compromises our Value Need and how this opens the door to other needs being impacted
  • The importance of honoring our boundaries in order to communicate them and enforce them with others
  • How crossing our own boundaries can make it seem permissible for other people to cross them too
  • How setting our own boundaries often helps others set their own boundaries too
  • How upholding your own boundaries is uncomfortable and also sometimes goes against societal norms

Episode references:

Trauma series: Episode 86 - Trauma Series: What is trauma?; Episode 87 - Trauma Series: How do you identify trauma?; Episode 88 - Trauma Series: How to heal trauma and triggers

Episode 101 - What exactly ARE boundaries? 

Oct 30, 202301:01:46
Episode 101 - Boundaries Series: What exactly ARE boundaries?

Episode 101 - Boundaries Series: What exactly ARE boundaries?

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 101 - Boundaries Series: What exactly ARE boundaries? is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Boundaries can be an emotionally charged topic for some people. But what exactly is a boundary? Today we talk about what boundaries are, why they are important, the difference between setting a boundary and attempting to control someone else’s behavior and actions we can take to enforce our boundaries in a Selfirst way.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How not setting a boundary when it is needed will most likely lead to it being crossed causing us to be impacted, probably multiple times
  • How setting a boundary can make the difference between our needs being met and our needs being compromised
  • How boundaries also meet our Personal Power Need by creating what we want 
  • How boundaries prevent our needs from being impacted and drained
  • How boundaries include actions that need to be taken in order to keep your needs from being impacted
  • How some people can use the language of boundaries as a form of control
  • How the definition of a boundary within a Needs context is “a boundary is something that you put in place to make sure that your needs don’t get negatively impacted”
  • How part of this is the choices and actions we take to ensure this
  • How boundaries are a Selfirst way of meeting your needs
  • A reminder that there is a difference between not meeting someone else’s need for them and doing them harm
  • How the focus of boundaries is on our behavior in a given situation
  • We give examples of the difference between controlling someone through boundary language and setting boundaries
  • How there are 2 kinds of boundaries - a soft boundary and a hard boundary
  • How a soft boundary is a “should” and a hard boundary is a “must”
  • How respecting someone’s boundaries by proactively honoring them builds trust in relationships
  • The important distinction between boundaries and preferences
  • How boundaries can be an emotionally charged topic and how some people confuse the feelings of the boundary being crossed with how we choose to behave when the boundary is crossed
  • How if we have strong feelings about someone setting a boundary with us (as long as it is not an attempt at control) that means that there was an expectation of that person meeting our needs for us
  • We use an example to discuss how boundaries can be used as a form of control to try to use someone else to meet unmet needs
  • We use an example of setting a boundary that honors ourselves without attempting to control
  • We give an example of a time boundary example in a work situation, a personal situation and a situation where there is an attempt at control 
  • How there can be a conversation around a boundary to see what works for the people involved, without compromising the boundary
  • How if we have feelings come up about someone setting a boundary, we need to process them and ask ourselves why 

Episode references:

Episode 7 - Boundaries: If you don't respect the door, you get the gate

Apology series: Episode 15 - Apology Series: When an apology actually damages needs; Episode 16 - Apology Series: How to apologize (and why sorry isn't enough); Episode 17 - Apology Series: What to do when you're waiting for an apology that will never come

Oct 23, 202353:15
100th Episode - Why it’s so important to celebrate your wins

100th Episode - Why it’s so important to celebrate your wins

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - 100th Episode - Why it’s so important to celebrate your wins is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

It’s our hundredth episode! We thank you for being here with us and supporting us! In line with our celebrations, today we would like to discuss the importance of celebrating the little wins, how it meets our needs, why we don’t do it enough as a society and suggestions to do so in a Selfirst way.

In this episode, we cover…

  • It’s our hundredth episode! Cue in the confetti! - digital ones this time, as it would not have met our needs to spend a significant amount of time cleaning up after ourselves
  • How celebrating our wins is not something we are good at as a society. Social conditioning teaches us to be modest and not to “brag” about our achievements
  • How this negatively affects our Acknowledgement Need
  • We go through some things that meet our Acknowledgement Need, including celebration
  • How celebration tends to be overlooked and held back due to the belief that we should not be celebrating ourselves
  • How societal conditioning does not  encourage or support celebrating to honor ourselves
  • How societal conditioning celebrates productivity even though it may be detrimental for our needs
  • How a celebration doesn’t have to be a big gesture; little acknowledgements are a way of celebrating too
  • We give examples of ways to celebrate ourselves and how there is no right way to do it
  • How we don’t need to be witnessed in our celebration for it to be valid or for it to be meeting our Acknowledgement Need
  • How we can celebrate anything that feels important to us
  • Why it’s important to look for the people that will celebrate us and with us
  • The importance of celebrating in a way that works for the person involved
  • How we can celebrate in different ways, depending on what energy we’re in
  • The importance of celebrating ourselves at a base level in order to meet our needs

Episode references:

The needs formula episode is Episode 70 - Burning the candle at both ends series: The Needs Formula


Oct 16, 202356:13
Episode 99 - It’s OK to be human

Episode 99 - It’s OK to be human

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 99 - It’s OK to be human is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Most of us try to reject the parts of ourselves that make us human to fit a societal mold. Today we’re here to tell you: It’s OK to be human! In this episode we explain the desire we sometimes feel to fit into societal expectations, why that negatively impacts our needs and how we can better meet our needs by acknowledging and embracing our humanity.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How a lot of us have this internal belief that if we are perfect then our needs will be met and that if we are perfect enough, we will feel that we are good enough and feel good internally
  • How embracing our humanity is a journey
  • How trying to be superhuman actually prevents us from getting our needs met
  • How this podcast is a great example of how we embrace our humanity 
  • How when we think about our needs, we think of perfectionism and societal expectations of success
  • How we can meet our needs better by acknowledging and embracing our humanity
  • How perfectionism can get in the way of progress
  • The importance of focusing on what outcome we want
  • How the strive towards perfectionism and meeting societal expectations cost our needs 
  • The difference in getting a dopamine hit from reaching a societal expectation and feeling truly fulfilled 
  • How progress and growth is not linear 
  • How success as humans is to have our needs fulfilled and how we live in a society that works against that
  • How we need to unlearn the conditioning around what we are “meant” to be doing and learning that part of our humanity is being imperfect
  • How we need to stay connected to our needs as human beings and take care of our needs in order to feel fulfilled
  • How it’s ok to take care of our needs despite the societal conditioning not to be human
  • How not only is it ok to be human, it’s ok to be fallible, it’s ok to be imperfect
  • How there are no two humans that are alike and how we shouldn’t strive to fit a mold 
  • How by connecting to our humanity, we are able to connect to other people’s humanity and how this interconnectedness gets our needs better met
  • How being human means that we are worthy of having our needs met simply because we exist
  • How by connecting to this, we can connect to how essential it is to get our needs met 
  • How taking care of our needs might mean unlearning or rejecting certain concepts that we have been conditioned into 
  • How when we have moments where we are judging and/or berating ourselves for being human and having human moments, we are negatively impacting our needs 
  • How these human moments are an invitation to lean into our humanity and allow ourselves to be human
  • A reminder to embrace our humanity and meet our needs in a Selfirst way
  • How an area of fighting our humanity is parenting. Parents often try to be perfect for their children but by showing our humanity and learning from our mistakes, we are also giving permission to our children to be human
  • How leaning into our humanity does not happen overnight but through small daily steps
  • How we fear being human because we don’t think that our needs are going to be met
Oct 09, 202355:38
Episode 98 - Question time: Why am I not doing the thing I want to do?

Episode 98 - Question time: Why am I not doing the thing I want to do?

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 98 - Question time: Why am I not doing the thing I want to do? is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

It’s question time! Serena asks Claire questions around wanting to start new habits and the resistance she feels around starting them. In this episode we explore why we might be resistant to starting habits we know will benefit us, how to understand what needs are at play and how to shift into creator mode to get those needs effectively met. 

In this episode, we cover…

  • Serena has a question for Claire: “why do I have hesitation and apprehension when I try to start a new habit that I know is going to serve me?”
  • How there are many different needs-related reasons why this can happen
  • How there is never a one size fits all answer because of all the layers of nuance in different situations
  • How the changes that we want to implement come as a long term gain from doing a small action consistently over a period of time. Therefore, the little changes we want to make in the moment do not feel as impactful as the end result
  • How our coping strategies might give us that “quick hit” of meeting our needs, possibly in a red spectrum way. This is especially present since we live in a society where we are used to getting instant gratification
  • How starting a new habit always requires an amount of effort and how this generally does not feel as good as the short-term “quick hit” we get from meeting the same need in a less nourishing way
  • How if you’re meeting your needs in red spectrum way, you might get your needs met in the moment but it will not be as nourishing as meeting your needs in a more fulfilling green spectrum way
  • How if the habit you want to stop is the only way an unmet need is being addressed (even if it’s in a red spectrum way), it’s going to be extremely difficult to stop the habit without addressing the unmet need underneath
  • How it’s important to ask ourselves what our outcome is and shift into creator mode in order to meet our needs in a more nourishing way
  • How if we are thinking about what you “should” be doing whilst meeting our needs in another way, we don’t get the full benefit of it
  • How, generally speaking, we don’t do something because we believe doing it will cost us or not doing it will benefit us and how we can begin to understand our unmet needs by asking ourselves questions in relation to this
  • How we create a lot of shame around habits that we know will benefit us but we just can’t seem to start. Shaming ourselves, negatively impacts our needs and the coping strategies we use become more intense
  • Claire asks Serena questions about her resistance to getting back to dancing to uncover what needs might be affecting her feelings about it
  • How sometimes there is a part of our subconscious that prevents us from finding out something that is going to be difficult for us to deal with because it will negatively impact us to realize it
  • How in situations like Serena’s it’s rarely just one thing or one need that’s affected and how this makes it harder to figure out what’s needs are at play
  • How at a very basic level, we have a choice of doing something or not doing it. In this case both options can meet different sets of needs and this makes it hard to make a decision 
  • How we can shift to creator mode to explore options that bring us more in alignment with the things we want to do, fulfil more of our needs and minimize the things that are going to impact our needs

Episode references:

The episode on the red-green spectrum is Episode 3 - I need to do WHAT?

Episode 91 - How to shift bad habits or change behaviors

Oct 02, 202301:04:21
Episode 97 - Culture is Not a Costume…

Episode 97 - Culture is Not a Costume…

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 97 - Culture is Not a Costume… is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

With the Halloween season coming up in a few weeks, we would like

  • How we need to be mindful of cultural appropriation when planning costumes
  • Whilst keeping in mind that we are not experts in this field, we would like to discuss this topic through the Needs Lens
  • We encourage you to find experts and educators on BBIMP (black, brown, indigenous and myelinated people coined by @AccordingToWeeze), specifically women and people from any culture that we want to be “inspired” by (which often actually equates to culturally appropriating). It is also important to pay these educators for their time and expertise
  • How it is important to take proactive initiative and educate ourselves because otherwise we may do something that negatively impacts people from different cultural backgrounds unknowingly (which compromises both their and our own needs)
  • How through the interconnectedness of humans, impacting someone else’s needs means that we are impacting our own
  • How just because we may know someone that says they are ok with something (comment/behavior), it does not negate where other people are sharing that it is harmful. They also might be minimizing the impact the comment or behavior has on them or not communicating the impact to protect their other needs (such as physical or emotional safety)
  • How if there is any doubt, it is better from a Needs point of view to find an alternative
  • How when we use another culture as a tool for meeting our own needs, it will negatively impact the needs of the people from that culture (and in turn our own due to the interconnectedness)
  • How by using a costume we are sending the message that we have a right to use that culture for our benefit, thus devaluing that culture and impacting the Value Need of people from that culture
  • How people from that culture are frequently be discriminated against for the things that white people use for their benefit
  • How if costuming from a different culture is meeting our needs in some way, as it negatively impacts other people, it is not a Selfirst way of meeting our needs and we need to find something else. There are a lot of neutral options for costumes that do not impact anyone negatively
  • How our interconnectedness is our humanity and when we devalue someone else, we are disconnecting from their humanity, and in doing so we are also disconnecting from our own humanity which  has ramifications that are often beyond our awareness and understanding
  • How impact is caused no matter the intention
  • How characters of different cultures are important due to the representation and inclusivity for those cultures
  • How you can provide other options for children and let them come up with their own options as long as they don’t negatively impact anyone else
  • How not harming someone else through a costume is just basic human decency
  • How it’s important to think about the history of the costume 
  • How we need to work to unlearn and dismantle systems of privilege, discrimination and oppression that have been ingrained in us from a young age
  • How these situations  can be a good gateway for non melanated  people to research, discover and learn about their own cultural heritage
  • How adornments and other aspects of other people’s culture are never appropriate if you are not from that culture. This not only holds for Halloween, but in our daily lives
  • The importance of processing such a heavy topic whilst being mindful to process away from people of different cultures so as not to negatively impact them or place further burden on them through having to deal with us as we are processing our emotions on this piece
  • How we need to approach these situations in a way that focuses on and centers the people who are harmed by these situations
Sep 25, 202355:48
Episode 96 - What to do when they’re not OK Series: How to support without rescuing

Episode 96 - What to do when they’re not OK Series: How to support without rescuing

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 96 - What to do when they’re not OK Series: How to support without rescuing is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

When someone we know is going through a rough time, the temptation is to rush in and rescue them. However, this may not only be detrimental to them but also to ourselves. In this episode we discuss why being a rescuer is a problematic dynamic, the importance of meeting your own needs and supporting the other person with their outcomes.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How being a rescuer comes up in the drama triangle developed by Dr. Stephen Karpman. We will discuss this dynamic more in future episodes
  • How trying to rescue someone not only disempowers us but the other person who we are trying to support
  • How people become rescuers to avoid dealing with personal issues
  • How rescuers help other people to feel good about themselves through getting their needs met or masking their unmet needs in that way. This may be an unconscious drive and it doesn’t undermine the good intentions of the person trying to helps out
  • How the first step to avoid being a rescuer is to meet our own needs
  • We point out the difference between being Selfirst and meeting our needs through being a rescuer
  • How a lot of what happens regarding our needs happens without our awareness. It is therefore important to meet our needs in such a way that it doesn’t drive our behavior without our awareness
  • How staying connected to the outcome of supporting someone else prevents us from rescuing them
  • How the exception to this is if we are responsible for someone else’s situation. Then it is ok to take responsibility and address that
  • How remembering that we and the other persons are both creators, helps us support them in what they want to create
  • How there may be different options of what the other person is trying to create and how our role as supporter is to support the outcome they want
  • How strategic questions might help the other person understand what outcome they want
  • How questions can be stepping stones for the person to get from where they are to figuring out the outcome they want
  • The importance of being mindful of how we’re asking the questions, when we’re asking the questions, the pace at which we ask them, where the other person is at when you’re asking the questions and also if they would like help in figuring out the outcome
  • How just being there for someone and letting them know you are there for them is a great way of supporting someone without becoming a rescuer
  • How acknowledging and witnessing someone through an emoji, or simple phrases like “I hear you”, “I feel you”, “I’m here for you” can be very healing
  • How holding space for someone and sending love can be extremely supportive without having to be a rescuer
  • How because everyone is different, people may need support in a different ways even in the same situation
  • How there is a way to help someone who doesn’t have the capacity to help themselves without acting as a rescuer
  • How trying to fix something or a situation for somebody can prevent them from learning how to deal with the situation for themselves 
  • Why it is important to offer support in a way that honors where you and the other person are both at and in line with your both capacities
  • How it may be easy to be pulled into the rescuer dynamic if someone wants to be rescued
  • How it’s important to keep in mind that if someone is really not ok, then we might not be the right person to support them. In this situation we can support them to get the right support

Episode references:

Episode 61 - Friendship Series: Clearing NigglesEpisode 46 - How to hold space for someone

Sep 18, 202301:04:58
Episode 95 - What to do when they’re not OK Series: How to check in when you know they’re not ok

Episode 95 - What to do when they’re not OK Series: How to check in when you know they’re not ok

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 95 - What to do when they’re not OK Series: How to check in when you know they’re not ok is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

The question “are you ok?” is the culturally accepted question to show concern. However, what do you do when you know that the other person is dealing with stuff and is not ok? In this episode we go through helpful tools on how to check in with someone who is clearly struggling or going through some issues in a way that is both acknowledging and supportive.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How asking ‘are you ok?’ to someone who you know is not ok can cause some challenges
  • How asking if someone is ok when we know they’re not can impact the other person’s acknowledgement need
  • How society expects the answer to ‘are you ok?’ should be ‘yes, I’m fine’ and how this puts pressure on the person to conform to social ‘norms’
  • How sometimes people don’t actually want to know how we are or interact with us but are asking out of courtesy
  • How you can ask other questions to greet someone if you don’t have the capacity or interest to know how people actually are
  • How to reply to someone who answers the question honestly when you don’t have the capacity or time to support them at that moment
  • How acknowledging where the person is at is being supportive without trying to fix the situation
  • Why it’s important to recognise what support looks like without taking on the situation on ourselves as this can impact both party’s needs negatively
  • We offer different approaches to asking how a person is that are mindful of your own capacity at the time
  • Why it’s important to be mindful of the reasons why you are enquiring about how the other person feels. Is it for our benefit or the benefit of the other person?
  • Why it is important to offer support only if you have the capacity to do so
  • How an option to support the other person is to offer choices of how they would like to be supported
  • How different people may want to be acknowledged in different ways
  • How it’s important to be mindful that some people find it difficult to ask for space and asking if they want space might be the best way to support them
  • How feeling bad when someone doesn’t accept your support indicates that we are offering support because of our unmet needs
  • How it’s ok to offer a distraction but it important to offer it in concert with something that keeps in mind what’s going as well
  • Why we should not offer support that we do not have the capacity to provide
  • Why you should keep in mind what you learned about the other person through the relationship you built with them
  • How there is no one-size-fits-all scenario
Sep 11, 202355:46
Episode 94 - What to do when they’re not OK Series: When you’re both in the well sh*t

Episode 94 - What to do when they’re not OK Series: When you’re both in the well sh*t

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 94 - What to do when they’re not OK Series: When you’re both in the well sh*t is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

****** Trigger warning ****** Grief, miscarriage and death

Life happens to all of us and sometimes our partner/friend/significant people can be going through a tough time at the same time as us. This episode goes through how to navigate these situations in a way that can best support everyone involved and strengthen your relationship through the challenging times.. 

In this episode, we cover…

  • Claire and Serena share how they have both gone through tough times recently
  • The importance of taking care of yourself in the context of what’s going on, in line with your capacity
  • How we cannot support the other person if we are not resourced
  • The importance of being aware of what needs are being impacted so that we can resource ourselves, both for our benefit and before we support anyone else
  • How letting the other person know where we’re at can help manage expectations
  • How going through a tough situation doesn’t negate the impact it may have on the other person
  • How communication is even more essential when both people are going through a tough time
  • How sometimes people do not share where they’re at because they don’t want to be a burden, but this comes with consequences
  • How remembering what the ultimate outcome is (i.e. strengthening the relationship) is important
  • How being careful with timing conversations and phrasing what we want to say needs to be kept in mind if we want to move closer together and not push each other apart
  • How if a situation doesn’t work for both, it doesn’t work for either person
  • How one of the reasons to resource ourselves is so that we don’t take our unmet needs out on the other person

Episode references:

Friendship Series: Episode 59 - Friendship Series: How to create a friendship that works for both of you;  Episode 60 - Friendship Series: Having the hard conversations and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable; Episode 61 - Friendship Series: Clearing Niggles

Sep 04, 202301:25:33
Episode 93 - How to give advice when someone else is struggling

Episode 93 - How to give advice when someone else is struggling

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 93 - How to give advice when someone else is struggling is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

When someone we know is going through a hard time, some of us tend to jump in with advice. This may not only be unsupportive but can also compromise the other person’s needs. In this episode we explain why it is better to hold back from giving advice, how best to support someone who is struggling and how to respond when someone does ask for advice.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How some people tend to give unsolicited advice when someone shares something, especially online
  • Why it might be better to steer away from giving advice when someone is struggling because what might meet your needs in that situation, might not meet theirs 
  • How advice can compromise the other person’s needs further
  • How some of us tend to offer advice because we are uncomfortable with the other person’s discomfort 
  • Why we still need to be mindful of how to respond, even when someone asks for advice
  • How the experience of being witnessed is missing from our society and how it may be more supportive and helpful than advice
  • Why we need to consider if giving advice is in the other person’s or our best interest as it may hold consequences
  • How phrases like “I hear you”, “I see you”, “I feel you”, helps the other person feel witnessed and acknowledged
  • How sometimes people act as “rescuers” to feel good about themselves and how this can create a toxic dependency
  • Why asking the right questions is a better way of approaching the situation and how it’s about helping them to figure out what is right for them
  • How suggesting all the options you can picture (even “negative” ones) may help someone come to the conclusion that’s right for them
  • How it may be appropriate to direct the person to a professional through questions
  • Why looking into different professionals is important to find the right person who can support us best
  • How sharing resources without pressure can be helpful and why it’s important to be specific as not to overwhelm the person receiving them
  • How the more specific you are about what you’re looking for, the easier it will be to find it
  • The importance of not letting our own preferences, issues and unmet needs get in the way of supporting others effectively
  • How when receiving advice, it’s important to be aware that other people’s issues and unmet needs can come through
  • The relationship between taking responsibility for our needs and our personal power and how it relates to giving advice
  • How doing our own inner work helps us become more comfortable with other people going through their own process
  • Why being resourced is important when supporting someone

Episode references:

Episode 2 - The wisdom of Joey Tribbiani (An introduction to being Selfirst)

Aug 28, 202301:17:50
Episode 92 - How to deal with the inner critic and inner saboteur

Episode 92 - How to deal with the inner critic and inner saboteur

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 92 - How to deal with the inner critic and inner saboteur is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Most of us can resonate with the concept of the inner critic that spews verbal abuse when we think we are less than perfect, or the inner saboteur that drives us towards damaging and self-sabotaging behaviors. Despite their unhelpful presence, these aspects of ourselves are trying to tell us something about our unmet needs. In this episode we explain the difference between the inner critic and inner saboteur and give advice on how to identify what’s underneath the negative chatter and undesirable behaviors to meet your needs.This episode may seem a little more advanced than some of our other episodes, we are currently developing the Self Study version of the program which will provide more information on the Universal Needs and how to meet them.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How there is a needs-based distinction between the inner critic and the inner saboteur
  • Claire shares the techniques to get rid of her inner critic that didn’t work
  • How the inner critic is the negative self-talk inside our heads that tells us that we’re not good enough or that there’s something wrong with us
  • How the inner critic can start a downward spiral of guilt and shame
  • How the purpose behind our inner critic is to try and get our needs met, but it’s doing so in a very unsupportive way
  • How most of us have a hidden belief that if we are perfect, our needs will get met
  • How the inner critic (through various types of conditioning within our culture) stems from the belief that negative stimulation will make us feel bad enough to get us to do something about it to be good enough so that our needs will be met
  • How this ends up compromising our needs and our self-worth even more
  • How the inner critic compromises our value need and how that makes us less inclined to do anything about the situation we want to change
  • How to have a conversation with your inner critic by taking charge of the conversation
  • How the inner critic quiets down when it knows it's going to be heard and that we are going to take care of our needs
  • How the inner critic is a part of us and why it’s important to listen to what it’s trying to tell us
  • How the inner saboteur is different from the inner critic
  • How the inner saboteur tries to meet a need by sacrificing other needs
  • How the inner saboteur focuses on the lower part of the tree by meeting needs in and unsupportive way and disregards all the needs above that
  • How the inner saboteur may be related to experiences where our needs in the lower part of the tree were compromised
  • How the inner saboteur may feel like the inner critic
  • How to approach the conversation with the inner saboteur to stop the self-sabotaging behaviors
  • How if the inner saboteur and/or critic are present they will not go away until the need they are trying to meet is met
  • Why it’s important to be gentle with yourself if the inner saboteur and/or critic start appears from time to time
  • How sometimes the inner saboteur and/or critic goes quiet because there is something going on in our lives that is either masking or meeting our needs
  • How understanding what our inner critic is trying to tell us about our unmet needs meets our acknowledgement need
  • Why it’s important to meet needs for ourselves and not be depend on others to meet them for you

Episode references:

Guilt and shame series: Episode 43 - The difference between guilt and shame; Episode 44 - That's not guilt, it's shame in disguise; Episode 45 - That's not guilt, it's an attempt at manipulating your humanity

Trauma series: Episode 86 - What is trauma?; Episode 87 - How do you identify trauma; Episode 88 - How to heal trauma and triggers

Aug 21, 202301:01:29
Episode 91 - How to shift bad habits or change behaviors

Episode 91 - How to shift bad habits or change behaviors

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 91 - How to shift bad habits or change behaviors is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Most of us have one or more behaviors we would like to shift. Some things may be harder to shift than others. In this episode we examine this topic through the Needs Lens and we explain how the driving force behind our undesirable behaviors are unmet needs and how to start shifting them through awareness and choice.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How most people do not understand what is at the root of a bad habit
  • How a bad habit is either meeting one or more needs (in an unsupportive way) or masking them
  • How we keep repeating the undesirable behavior because it feels better than not doing it in the short term. However, this stops those unmet needs to be addressed and met
  • How unmet needs are uncomfortable at best and painful at worst
  • How the unmet needs might keep dragging you back to the unwanted behavior or other unwanted behaviors until it is met in a nourishing way
  • How some people may stop the bad habit when the consequences outweigh the benefits
  • How some people will shift from one bad behavior to another due to the underlying unmet need
  • How if we want to change behavior in a meaningful way we need to identify what the unmet needs are and find different, supportive ways to meet those needs
  • How our needs are the driving force behind our thoughts, actions behaviors, feelings and choices
  • Why it's important to get to the place where the need driving the bad habit moves out of being unmet to begin shifting that behavior
  • The importance of recognizing which need is unmet and the point where a behavior is not meeting the need any more but compromising it (or other needs) further
  • Why not all “bad” habits are bad for us
  • A reminder that there is a difference between the need and the preference of how we get the need met
  • How it’s not possible to meet all your needs in a green spectrum way all the time
  • How behavior change is not always about bad habits but also about positive change
  • How to create change you don’t only have to want it, you have to want it more than the undesirable behavior
  • Why visualizing the change we have in mind without taking action can be a bad habit in itself
  • How we need a plan to implement the change in behavior we want
  • The importance of meeting our unmet needs in a supportive and nourishing way so that they don’t pull us back into our bad habits

Episode references:

Episode 3 - I need to do WHAT?T

he episode where we explain the red/green spectrum is Episode 34 - Self Worth Series: The difference between self worth and confidence

The little wins episode is Episode 89 - What to do when you’re REALLY struggling…

Aug 14, 202301:02:45
Episode 90 - When something we DON’T enjoy meets our needs…

Episode 90 - When something we DON’T enjoy meets our needs…

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 90 - When something we DON’T enjoy meets our needs… is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

There are things that we have to do in life that still meet our needs but are tedious and boring. Or we might choose to do them because they meet some needs well. In this episode we take a look at some examples and ideas of how to support your needs better when we have to do certain tasks.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How there are things that we may not like doing but have to do that meet our needs. Most of these things fall under our Foundation/Function Needs
  • How we can find ways of doing the things you don’t like doing in a way that compromises your needs less and is more enjoyable How we can also find ways of doing other things that meet our needs whilst doing what you have to do
  • How the 80/20 rule can apply in this situation: i.e. putting in 20% of the effort and getting 80% of the result
  • How there are other things that we don’t have to do or don’t enjoy but we might want to do or choose to do because more of our needs will get met 
  • Claire and Serena give examples of these situations 
  • How planning can allow us to fit in the things that meet our needs
  • We explain the benefits of doing the things that may not be enjoyable can meet many of our needs consistently 
  • How reframing language around what we don’t find enjoyable can make a difference
  • How to use boundaries to helps us meet our needs
  • How consistency makes tasks easier and more enjoyable
  • How doing something you don’t like to do up front saves a lot of time and energy in the long run
  • How having a plan does not mean that you cannot re-negotiate and be flexible if it supports your needs better
Aug 07, 202301:01:55
Episode 89 - What to do when you’re REALLY struggling…

Episode 89 - What to do when you’re REALLY struggling…

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 89 - What to do when you’re REALLY struggling… is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

There are times when life feels impossible to navigate and we feel like there is no way out of our situation. This episode goes through the two things you can focus on during really hard times and the importance of reframing our mindset in these moments.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How it’s important to be gentle with yourself when we’re struggling, feeling hopeless or depressed
  • How feeling in a lower mood or state might just be a consequence of being aware of the events that are happening in the world
  • How being able to meet your own needs doesn’t make everything better, but helps us to cope with reality and also helps us find joy and enjoyment in the midst of what’s happening around us
  • How we are currently living in toxic ecosystems, we have to work much harder to be resourced
  • Through getting our needs met we can help to create an environment that helps everybody get their needs met
  • How meeting your own needs doesn’t make everything good but allows you to be more resourced in a world that depletes us
  • If you’re struggling at the moment, we invite you to be gentle with yourself
  • How there are two things you can focus on in hard times:
    1. The little wins - small things to be grateful for or appreciate
    2. The little steps - what are the little things we can do to make things better for ourselves
  • How we are taught to find the negatives in our lives and things that are missing and that are going wrong
  • How we can rewire our brain to focus on the things that are present and that we can be grateful for, no matter how small
  • The importance of not engaging in toxic positivity 
  • How little steps can lead to little wins
  • How in The Universal Needs we take a different approach to “wins” where no one has to “lose”. Also, due to our interconnectedness, if we have wins at someone else’s expense, we compromise our own needs, too
  • The importance of moving away from the win/lose mentality within ourselves and with respect to other people
  • The dangers of a downward spiral and the significance of the link between our needs and our actions
  • How acknowledging yourself helps to meet your needs and leads to the little steps and the the little wins
  • How asking the question: “what do I have the capacity for?” is key when looking for the little steps 
  • How focusing on losses can project us into a downward spiral and compromise our needs further
  • How anything is better than nothing when we’re in the depths of a situation
  • How looking for the little wins, it can really make a difference
  • How even if we find ourselves in a space where nothing feels hopeful, we can still reorient what our brains noticing and that is going to make a difference to our lived experience

Episode references:

The episode in which we mention The Universal Needs Ecosystem is Episode 36 - Self worth Series: Why it's so hard to feel 'enough'

Episode 39 - Just HOW toxic is Toxic Positivity?

Guilt and shame series: Episode 43 - The Guilt & Shame Series: The difference between guilt and shame; Episode 44 - The Guilt & Shame Series: That's not guilt, it's shame in disguise; Episode 45 - The Guilt & Shame Series: That's not guilt, it's an attempt at manipulating your humanity

Other references: Please note that the shifting of the language 'ping pong' was because we discovered lately that it has racist meaning, not that it is ableist.

Jul 31, 202359:04
Episode 88 - Trauma Series: How to heal trauma and triggers

Episode 88 - Trauma Series: How to heal trauma and triggers

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 88 - Trauma Series: How to heal trauma and triggers is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

*****Trigger Warning - Trauma*******

We all go through trauma in our lives. Although what happens to us isn’t our fault, the responsibility to heal from it is. In this episode we outline the steps necessary to heal from trauma, how unhealed trauma can keep affecting your life and why it’s a good idea to seek help from a professional.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How the consequences of failing to recognize trauma and name it as such results in strategies like avoiding or masking but not healing
  • How resilience is built, through effective trauma healing
  • How the level of resilience that we have is linked to how quickly and effectively we can heal trauma
  • How knowing our needs and how to meet them effectively helps us return to the state we were before the trauma happened
  • How meeting needs effectively means that we are capable of doing things that are quick and easy and are not dependent on others or specific situations
  • Why how resourced we are beforehand can make a big difference on how we manage and heal trauma
  • How healing trauma can take longer if we are low on capacity
  • Why we shouldn’t need to be resilient. We shouldn’t have to experience trauma simply by existing in our society
  • How building resilience doesn’t negate the need for change on a personal, systemic or cultural level
  • How we are more able to instigate the change that is needed when we are resourced
  • How trauma healing is dependant upon effectively meeting the needs that were compromised through trauma 
  • Why we can’t take any shortcuts to the healing process
  • How working through any uncomfortable feelings that come up gets easier the more you do it
  • If you have never gone through this process before, we highly recommend to get help and guidance from a professional that feels in alignment with you
  • How trauma healing happens in layers
  • How everyone’s trauma healing journey is different and the process may be different for different traumas
  • Why it is helpful to deal with traumas when they come up as triggers
  • How you can “look” for traumas in order to heal them 
  • How triggers can have a domino effect
  • We give some insight into intergenerational trauma
  • How to heal from a trauma that happened a long time ago
  • Why it’s important to be resourced before tackling trauma and doing it in a way that is not going to negatively impact our needs
  • How if you do not heal from your traumas, they will not go away
  • How you can revisit your trauma at a later stage if you do not have the capacity to deal with it
  • How an unhealed trauma can affect your life
  • How being part of one or more marginalized groups means that you will be experiencing more trauma in your life. This means that is going to take more effort to heal traumas due to a cost in capacity
  • How we all have a responsibility to create change in our systems, as through interconnectedness, no one’s needs are really fully met if everyone’s needs aren’t

Episode references:

Episode 51 - How to increase your resilience

Jul 24, 202301:37:17
Episode 87 - Trauma Series: How do you identify trauma?

Episode 87 - Trauma Series: How do you identify trauma?

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 87 - Trauma Series: How do you identify trauma? is now LIVE!


Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide


*****Trigger Warning - Mentions of: trauma, blood, sexual assault, verbal abuse, domestic abuse *******

Recognizing that an event was traumatic is the first step to acknowledging the effect that the trauma has had on us. This is fundamental for healing. In this episode we discuss why it is very rare to be able to recognize trauma as it is happening, the different types of trauma responses, how to support yourself if you recognize that you are having a trauma response and the ways we tend to downplay trauma.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How most times you can’t recognize trauma when you’re in it
  • How when a person is experiencing trauma, the logical part of the brain shuts down to some degree - in some cases completely to deal with the situation
  • Why it’s important to be gentle with yourself in these circumstances and not expect to rationalize a situation while it’s happening
  • Claire and Serena share some physical indicators of how the body responds to trauma. These may be different for different people and in different situations
  • The importance of naming the event as a trauma so that we can start healing from it
  • Claire and Serena share some things you can do to support yourself when you recognize that you’re having a reaction to trauma, especially supporting the vagus nerve (like deep breathing or “voo” breathing)
  • Most of us likely have a “go-to” trauma response that was established early in our lives
  • How there are 7 trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flood, fatigue/flop, friend  and we give examples of each
  • How trauma responses are reactions to are unmet needs and are subconscious and how that is different from someone manipulating the situation through weaponizing a trauma response
  • While there is generally a “go-to” trauma response, different trauma responses can come up in different situations
  • How numbing is a reaction to a trauma, not a trauma response. This happens when we avoid the feelings that come up with our unmet needs. It, however, prevents us from healing
  • Reminder that your trauma is valid, no matter how big or small
  • How it can take some time to identify that a situation was traumatic
  • Serena shares her experience of identifying a particular traumatic event
  • The ways we tend to downplay trauma due to societal conditioning:
  • 1. We view other people’s trauma as more severe than ours 
  • 2. We recognise that someone’s else’s behavior towards us is due to trauma, the trauma chain reaction that can cause and how understanding this does not make it ok
  • 3. As a subconscious strategy to try and protect our needs
  • We give examples in terms of needs
  • How our responsibility to heal our own trauma is not only for our benefit, but also for those around us as our behavior as a reaction to having sustained trauma may impact others
  • How you can offer support without “rescuing” someone from their trauma as this is disempowering
  • How you can be supportive whilst holding someone else accountable
  • How time does not heal, it just creates distance between us and the traumatic event
  • How we can sometimes proactively try to avoid a traumatic event
  • How when we are in a traumatic behavioral pattern that repeats itself, we can get a trauma response from the pattern itself
  • Why self-preservation behaviors can compromise other needs

Episode references:

Episode 28 - An antidote to anxietyOur resilience episode is

Episode 51 - How to increase your resilience

The episodes in which we mention “voo breathing” are: Episode 19 - The C-word and Episode 28 - An antidote to anxiety

Episode 72 - Burning the candle at both ends series - Same shit, different day

Episode 86 - Trauma Series: What is trauma?

The episode we refer to relationship orbits is Episode 17 - What to do when you're waiting for an apology that will never come.

Jul 17, 202301:36:35
Episode 86 - Trauma Series: What is trauma?

Episode 86 - Trauma Series: What is trauma?

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 86 - Trauma Series: What is trauma? is now LIVE!


Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide


*****Trigger Warning - Trauma*******

Everybody goes through trauma at some point in their lives. Trauma affects us differently depending on our experience of it. In this episode we go through what trauma is, the 6 different types of trauma, the importance of acknowledging that we have all experienced trauma (no matter how big or small) and why we need to take responsibility for our own healing.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How everybody is affected by trauma
  • How things can happen that we do not class as traumatic and we therefore do not heal from these events 
  • What trauma is
  • How we tend to discredit certain things that are traumatic to us as “part of life’ and how this prevents us from healing from these events and consequently come back as triggers 
  • How slight traumas still impact us even though these are the simplest to heal from
  • Why slight traumas compound when we ignore the impact they have on us
  • How some triggers may be unhealed traumas that we haven’t healed or identified
  • How there are 6 different types of trauma, divided into 2 groups of three, depending on how frequently the trauma happens and how severe it is. 
  • Claire and Serena give examples for each
  • 1. Slight and Momentary Trauma - a low level trauma that happens momentarily and how some triggers may be slight traumas that we haven’t healed
  • 2. Slight and Significant Trauma - a higher level of trauma that also happens momentarily 
  • 3. Severe and Momentary Trauma - a momentary trauma you were personally involved in that was severe in nature (but didn’t cause sustained issues)
  • 4. Slight and Sustained Trauma - a slight trauma that happens over an extended period of time. The longer the time, the more severe the impact to our physical, mental and emotional wellbeing
  • 5. Significant and Sustained Trauma - a more significant trauma sustained over a period of time
  • 6. Severe and Sustained Trauma - a severe trauma that continues over a period of time 
  • Why people in proximity can still sustain trauma, even if they are not directly involved
  • Reminder that your trauma is valid, no matter how big or small
  • How adults capable of meeting their own needs, need to be responsible for healing their own traumas
  • How is it always ok to ask for help and support and look for different resources to get over a trauma if we find it hard to do it alone
  • How our responsibility to heal our own trauma is not only for our benefit, but also for those around us as our behavior as a reaction to having sustained trauma may impact others
  • Why it it important to acknowledge and identify when we have suffered trauma
  • How dismissing and invalidating trauma prevents us from healing from it and how we then carry it forward affecting us and others around us

Episode references:

Episode 51 - How to increase your resilience

Episode 40 - Let's absolutely lose the absolutes (although not ALWAYS absolutely...)

Episode 72 - Burning the candle at both ends series - Same shit, different day

Other references:

https://time.com/4837536/do-women-really-talk-more/

Jul 10, 202301:05:45
 Episode 85 - “You should smile more…”

Episode 85 - “You should smile more…”

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 85 - “You should smile more…” is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Other people’s emotions or lack thereof have the potential to get a reaction from others, especially those viewed by society as “negative”.  The drive behind comments such as “you should smile more” or “you’d look so much better if you smiled” can come from a place of unmet needs. In this episode we discuss how these instances can be an opportunity for self-inquiry and self-reflection. We also go through the best way to approach someone if you are genuinely concerned about their wellbeing.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How “you should smile more” gets said more frequently to women
  • Claire and Serena share personal experiences about this
  • The issue with the fact that there is a well-known phrase that is generally directed at women who don’t have a smile on their face and that there is no equivalent for men
  • How being uncomfortable because someone else isn’t smiling is due to our unmet needs and being uncomfortable
  • How this phrase relates to how the world values women’s attractiveness
  • How wanting other people around us to be happy is due to one or more of our unmet needs
  • How to shift perspective and address the situation in a Selfirst way through self reflection and meeting our own needs
  • How to navigate a situation where we catch ourselves after we have said something along the lines of “you should smile more…”
  • The importance of self-inquiry in relation to this situation
  • How to approach someone in a compassionate and curious way if you are genuinely concerned about them
  • The difference between trying to change where someone is at and being compassionate by inquiring and offering support
  • Why we shouldn’t comment on someone else’s appearance, including perceived positive ways
  • How acknowledging someone does not have to be about anything superficial
  • How complementing superficial things can feed an unhealthy dynamic in terms of how we get our needs met, especially our value need
  • The difference between inquiring how someone is due to genuine concern and commenting about what you perceive, for example: “Are you doing ok?” vs “You look so tired!”
  • Remembering that if you are on the receiving end of these kinds of comments, you don’t owe anyone anything. However, you can choose to respond if your Safety and Security need is threatened or if you don’t have the capacity to interact 
  • How you also have a choice of ignoring someone that passes these kind of comments 
  • The importance of acknowledging whatever feelings come up for you in this situation
  • Remembering that you can also respond by saying “no” or “no, thank you”
  • How to flip the focus on them by asking them questions like “what would that change for you?”
  • Why asking questions is a better way to interact with someone, if you choose to do so and how that has the potential to dismantle their thinking

Episode references:

The episode in which we mention negative emotions is Episode 32 - Why there's no such thing as negative emotions

Jul 03, 202301:06:58
Episode 84 - When the things that normally feel good don’t meet our needs

Episode 84 - When the things that normally feel good don’t meet our needs

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 84 - When the things that normally feel good don’t meet our needs is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Sometimes, the things that feel good to us just don’t any more. Even if we have been doing them for a long time. There’s a reason behind this. In this episode we explain how our needs constantly change and why it’s important to pay close attention to what your body and mind are trying to tell you.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How your needs are constantly changing
  • How there are times when things that normally nourish you, are not that effective
  • Why it’s important to check in with yourself to make sure that your routine is nourishing
  • Claire and Serena give examples of how needs change depending on where we’re at
  • How sometimes it takes something extreme to figure out what truly nourishes us and what we do out of habit
  • How we need to try different things to find out what works and feels best for us
  • How, especially with emotionally-related issues, we might need to try things a few times to understand the benefit (like having uncomfortable conversations)
  • How not checking in with yourself about what meets your needs, can compromise your needs further
  • Why it’s important to follow what you think will meet your needs better, even if you don’t know why
  • How you can stop doing something when you realize it doesn’t meet your needs
Jun 26, 202355:21
Episode 83 - Conflict Series - Resolving conflict through coping, closing or co-creating

Episode 83 - Conflict Series - Resolving conflict through coping, closing or co-creating

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 83 - Conflict Series - Resolving conflict through coping, closing or co-creating is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Many of us find dealing with and resolving conflict difficult or are unsure how to approach the situation. In this episode we go through 4 strategies to resolve conflict in a Selfirst way.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How there are 3 strategies (plus a bonus one) to resolve conflict
  • Why we can unintentionally compromise or impact another person’s needs, especially those we have close relationships with
  • A reminder than when our needs are well met, we are more resourced to deal with any conflict that comes up
  • What coping really is and how to do it proactively
  • How life events impact us more when we are not resourced
  • How to re-resource yourself during conflict
  • What closing is and how to use it to support the resolution of a conflict
  • How to avoid using closing as an avoidance strategy
  • Why closing needs to be followed by co-creating or completing
  • How this relates to avoidant and anxious attachment styles 
  • Why communication and accountability are so important if you choose to go through closing during a conflict
  • The difference between being ‘nice’ and being ‘kind’ during conflict
  • How unresolved conflict can come up later
  • How to reconnect and co-create
  • How co-creating is a tool that takes into consideration the needs of the people in the conflict and the needs of the relationship
  • How co-creating eliminates the need for defensiveness
  • How another strategy is completing the relationship and why it’s sometimes necessary
  • How completing might not feel good but staying in a relationship that is not based on mutual respect and growth might make us feel worse

Episode references:

Our apology blueprint is in Episode 16 - Apology Series: How to apologize (and why sorry isn't enough)

Jun 19, 202301:14:52
Episode 82 - Conflict Series: How to take the conflict out of (some) conversations

Episode 82 - Conflict Series: How to take the conflict out of (some) conversations

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 82 - Conflict Series: How to take the conflict out of (some) conversations is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

A lot of us can relate to reacting in a way we didn’t intend to rather than responding calmly to a situation. This is almost always due to unmet needs or compromised needs. Discover why this is and how these situations can be handled differently when we feel nourished and resourced. 

In this episode, we cover…

  • How unmet needs cause us to react to a situation rather than respond to it
  • How meeting your own needs makes certain situations trigger you less
  • How our value need affects the way we interpret situations
  • How our triggers can be an indication for healing
  • How accountability and making amends are necessary in some cases and how to go about it
  • How sometimes the way we tackle our mistake during a conflict can make the situation worse
  • How managing conflict relates to customer service
  • How defensiveness in a conflict is an indication of unmet needs being triggered
  • How communication during conflict helps to manage expectations
  • The importance of processing the emotions that come up during a conflict

Episode references:

Episode 16 - Apology Series: How to apologize (and why sorry isn't enough)

Episode 21 - Selfirst Series: The difference between doing harm and not meeting needs that were never your responsibility

Guilt and Shame Series: Episode 43 - The difference between guilt and shame; Episode 44 - That's not guilt, it's shame in disguise; Episode 45 - That's not guilt, it's an attempt at manipulating your humanity

Episode 79 - The drain of Mental Labor on your needs

Jun 12, 202301:11:34
Episode 81- Conflict Series: How to deal with conflict via needs

Episode 81- Conflict Series: How to deal with conflict via needs

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 81- Conflict Series: How to deal with conflict via needs is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

When we hear the word “conflict”, we tend to think about big issues. In reality, even a niggle (a small, seemingly insignificant issue) can be a conflict. Today’s episode goes through what a conflict is, how to recognise issues and manage them effectively and the importance of meeting your needs within this context.

In this episode, we cover…

  • What constitutes a conflict
  • How to recognise when niggles are conflicts
  • How to use the Needs Lens to navigate conflict in a more constructive way to minimize the impact of those involved
  • How negatively impacting each others’ needs during conflict can have a snowball effect
  • Why we often react from our unmet needs
  • The importance of consistently meeting your own needs when it comes to conflict
  • How unmet needs and trauma affect our body
  • Claire and Serena give examples on how to navigate impacted needs
  • Why it’s important to give yourself a moment to process how you are feeling during a conflict
  • How to communicate in a way that doesn’t trigger the other person’s unmet needs
  • How most unmet needs are subconscious 

Episode references:

The episode in which we talk about different kinds of trauma is Episode 51 - How to increase your resilience

Episode 60 - Friendship Series - Having the hard conversations and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable

Episode 61 - Friendship Series - Clearing Niggles 

Jun 05, 202301:10:50
Episode 80 - How to stop apologizing (when you have nothing to apologize for)

Episode 80 - How to stop apologizing (when you have nothing to apologize for)

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 80 - How to stop apologizing (when you have nothing to apologize for) is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

There is a common conditioning in our society to apologize constantly, even when it’s not our responsibility or when we’ve done nothing wrong. This episode discusses why we apologize so frequently and how to make small changes to get out of this pattern. 

In this episode, we cover…

  • The awesome Christmas gifts Claire and Serena received
  • The importance of acknowledging that we apologize a lot and to recognize what we are apologizing for
  • How to know when to apologize 
  • How we sometimes apologize to minimize other people’s fragility 
  • How we sometimes apologize as a conscious choice, even when we don’t need to, to meet our security need
  • How to check in with yourself to see whether the apology was necessary and correct yourself
  • Why it’s important to be mindful of when we use “I’m sorry”
  • How to communicate what you need instead of apologizing
  • How to shift your language to lessen apologies when you haven’t done anything to negatively impact somebody else’s needs
  • Claire and Serena give examples on how to deal with these situations
  • The importance of reflecting on what we really meant to say and understanding what we are or are not responsible for
  • How apologies are a way of softening being direct to someone
  • Why the way we communicate is important

Episode references:

Episode 16 - Apology Series - How to apologize (and why sorry isn’t enough)

Episode 21 - Selfirst Series - The difference between doing harm and not meeting needs that were never your responsibility

Episode 45 - Guilt & Shame Series - It’s not guilt, it’s an attempt at manipulating your humanity

Episode 66 - People Pleasing Series - Sorry not sorry

May 29, 202301:08:29
Episode 79 - The drain of Mental Labor on your needs

Episode 79 - The drain of Mental Labor on your needs

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 79 - The drain of Mental Labor on your needs is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Many times, in relationships, tasks and responsibilities are not split equally between everyone involved. This takes a toll on the person’s needs and the quality of the relationship. In this episode, we explain what mental labor is, the impact it has on the people involved and what we can do to start changing the dynamic.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How sometimes responsibilities and effort are not divided equally in relationships
  • What Mental Labor is
  • Claire and Serena give examples around what mental labor involves, especially around the holidays
  • How when there is an imbalance of energy that is put into a relationship, the relationship erodes because needs are severely compromised
  • How to assist the other person with mental labor
  • How mental labor tasks can become niggles and cause resentment
  • How needs can be affected by mental labor
  • How mental labor and emotional impact are related to burnout
  • How relationships are 100:100 not 50:50
  • How communication takes some of the pressure of the mental labor and why clear communication takes it a step further
  • Why making assumptions of whose responsibility a task is, adds to mental labor and how the opposite is also true
  • What chunking is and how chunking down is helpful for mental labor
  • How taking responsibility and clear communication can equalize the mental labor in relationships
May 22, 202301:24:49
Episode 78 - Grief Series - Grief isn’t just about death, it’s about change

Episode 78 - Grief Series - Grief isn’t just about death, it’s about change

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 78 - Grief Series - Grief isn’t just about death, it’s about change is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

**** Trigger Warning - Loss****

Most people think that grief is just related to death. In reality, it’s also about change, managing expectations, letting go and so much more. Today’s episode explains why grief is not just about death and the importance of honoring the process and all that comes with it.

In this episode, we cover…

  • How grief is not just about death, but about loss
  • How we often lack acknowledgement of the need to grieve for other types of loss and change in our society
  • Why we don’t allow ourselves to grieve and how this relates to others
  • How grief has different aspects to it
  • How grief relates to boundaries, personal change and relationships
  • The grieving process that needs to happen to let go of life’s expectations 
  • Claire and Serena give examples from their own lives 
  • How we can still grieve change in life that you have chosen
  • The grief that comes when things happen that are beyond our control
  • Why all feelings that come up during the grieving process are valid and should be honored 
  • How ignoring small moments of grief can add up and can then be triggered by a small event
  • How processing emotions take practice

Episode references:

The boundaries episode is Episode 7 - Boundaries: If you don’t respect the door, you get the gate

Episode 73 - The Ding Ding Dings

Episode 76 - Grief Series - How to support grieving

May 15, 202301:05:11
Episode 77 - Learning how to receive
May 08, 202358:48
Episode 76 - Grief Series - How to support grieving

Episode 76 - Grief Series - How to support grieving

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 76 - Grief Series - How to support grieving is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

We are all going to experience grief at some point during our lives, but most of us don't know how to provide support to people who are grieving. It might also be hard to support ourselves in a nourishing way when we go through it. In this episode we explain how to meet your own  needs whilst grieving and how to be of support to people who are going through the process.


In this episode, we cover…

  • How often, the people around us are going through the grieving process with us
  • We review the parts of The Universal Needs tree
  • We explain why you need to focus on foundation/function needs at the root of the tree whilst grieving
  • Why it’s important to ask for help or provide help in these situations
  • Why rest is essential at these times
  • How keeping busy and resisting rest can be a distraction from grief
  • What and how to offer to someone who’s going through the grieving process
  • Why staying hydrated is important
  • How to get good nourishment whilst grieving
  • How to realize and honor what you want and need in this process
  • How to incorporate short periods of respite in the grieving process
  • Why grief doesn’t go away if you avoid it
  • The importance of allowing someone or yourself to be present with any emotions that come up in any given moment
  • How being present or having someone present can be healing
  • The importance of asking questions of what might work for the other person
  • Serena shares her experiences about her grieving process
  • A reminder to be gentle with yourself or someone else

Episode references:

The episode where we explain the different parts of The Universal Needs tree is Episode 3 - I need to do WHAT?

May 01, 202301:07:19
Episode 75 - Just because it wouldn’t compromise your needs, doesn’t mean it won’t compromise theirs

Episode 75 - Just because it wouldn’t compromise your needs, doesn’t mean it won’t compromise theirs

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 75 - Just because it wouldn’t compromise your needs, doesn’t mean it won’t compromise theirs is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

In order to meet our own needs, we sometimes cross boundaries and compromise other people’s needs, even if we don’t mean to or aren’t aware of the fact we’re doing it. In this episode we discuss what we need to be aware of to meet our needs without compromising anyone else’s and how by doing so we actually protect and support our own needs too.


In this episode, we cover…

  • Why just because something doesn’t compromise our needs, doesn’t mean that it won’t negatively impact someone else’s
  • Why it’s important not to make assumptions about what affects/doesn’t affect others
  • We give examples of this in different contexts
  • A reminder that our intention doesn’t matter, the impact is what matters
  • The importance of checking in with people about what’s acceptable to them
  • Why crossing people’s boundaries can have a severe impact
  • Why being aware of the language we use matters
  • The importance of consent and respecting people’s boundaries
  • How, through the principle of interconnectedness, compromising someone else’s needs to meet our own, impacts our needs too
  • We give examples of how to ask for consent when supporting someone

Episode references:

The impact over intention episode is Episode 41 - Why your intention REALLY doesn’t matter… 

Episode 61 - Friendship series - Clearing Niggles

The episode in which we mention different types of traumas is Episode 65 - People Pleasing Series - The root of most people pleasing

The episode we refer to where we speak about the relationship orbits is Episode 17 - What to do when you're waiting for an apology that will never come.

Apr 24, 202301:19:13
Episode 74 - Grief Series - How to Grieve

Episode 74 - Grief Series - How to Grieve

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 74 - Grief Series - How to Grieve is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Most of us have faced loss in some way. Some people have a preconception of what grief should look like and how it should be expressed. Yet our experience of grief and the process we go through is different for everyone. In this first episode of our Grief Series, we explain how to and why it’s important to honor our own process.

In this episode, we cover…

  • Why there is no one right way to grieve and how to find a way to grieve that resonates with you
  • Why it’s important to honor all feelings that come up during the grieving process
  • How to recognise what needs come up 
  • Serena shares her experience about the last funeral she attended
  • We explain the nuance in masking emotions
  • How to honor your needs and where you’re at in your grieving journey in a Selfirst way
  • How seeking closure prevents us from experiencing a wide range of emotions, and grieving fully
  • Why it’s ok to acknowledge different aspects of people’s lives after they have passed
  • Why the grieving process is not linear 
  • How processing grief and the emotions that come up doesn’t end
  • Why moments of respite from the grieving process are necessary
  • Why it’s always ok to be where you’re at in your process
  • Reminder that everybody’s process is different

Episode references:

The anger, judgment and carrots episode is Episode 33 - Why there's no such thing as negative emotions

Episode 70 - Burning the candle at both ends series - The Needs Formula

Other references:

Tedx Talk by Nancy Berns - Beyond Closure https://youtu.be/w0rCfXSdYPE 

““You’re going to be fine, you always are.” Yes, I will be, but please allow me a moment to express and display my sadness and discomfort. I know it will be better, but I need to also be honest and say my spirit is temporarily heavy and not have to hide that.” - Kaya Nova Tweet by Tiny Buddha (@tinybuddha)

Apr 17, 202301:00:10
Episode 73 - The Ding Ding Dings

Episode 73 - The Ding Ding Dings

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 73 - The Ding Ding Dings is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

When we learn how to meet our needs effectively, we realize that we can meet several needs at once. This episode explains why this happens and how it can be done in a more effective and nourishing way to get your Ding Ding Dings.

In this episode, we cover…

  • It’s Serena’s 3rd Anniversary since joining the Business!
  • We welcome someone new onto the team
  • What are Ding Ding Dings?
  • What the needs practice is
  • How needs are connected to each other
  • How the Ding Ding Dings happen and why they’re like sprinkles
  • Why it doesn’t have to take a lot of effort to meet all of your needs
  • Why it’s important to take care of your needs as they come up
  • How your work or other activities can meet several of your needs at once
  • How the pandemic has revealed several of our needs
  • How being resourced helps you to find mundane things you have to do easier
  • How to still get Ding Ding Dings when doing things that are stressful and difficult
  • How small Ding Ding Dings can have a domino effect
  • How multiple needs are met by addressing one

Other references:

Research about Flow State: This is something they speak about in “The Science of Well-being” course from Yale (Week 5, Part 1): coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being. This is the link to the American Psychological Association paper explaining the research: https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-3514.56.5.815

Apr 10, 202301:02:40
Episode 72 - Burning the candle at both ends series - Same shit, different day

Episode 72 - Burning the candle at both ends series - Same shit, different day

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 72 - Burning the candle at both ends series - Same shit, different day is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Have you ever noticed that sometimes things that don’t bother you one day drive you up the wall the next? This is a clear sign that one or more of your needs are being severely impacted. Today we discuss why this is and how to work through “same shit, different day” situations.

In this episode, we cover...

  • Why we may respond differently to things we do every day
  • We use the analogy of shields in Star Trek to explain how your resources can get depleted
  • The relationship between how well resourced you are and how you respond to the same incident
  • A brief reminder of how trauma impacts needs
  • Why it’s important to start being aware when everyday things start affecting us more that they normally would
  • Why it’s important to identify the need/s that are being impacted
  • Why your foundation/function needs are hit the hardest and how to meet those needs effectively
  • How to have things in place for when your resources are depleted

Episode references:

Episode 71 - Burning the candle at both ends - I’m too busy to meet my needs, what do I do?

Episode 51 - How to increase your resilience

Apr 03, 202355:40
Episode 71 - Burning the candle at both ends series- I’m too busy to meet my needs, what do I do?

Episode 71 - Burning the candle at both ends series- I’m too busy to meet my needs, what do I do?

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 71 - Burning the candle at both ends series- I’m too busy to meet my needs, what do I do? is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Most of us feel that our busy lives prevent us from meeting our needs. The reality of this is burnout. Claire and Serena go through the importance of meeting needs around our busy lives and how to create more balance so that we don’t feel so depleted.

In this episode, we cover...

  • Why it’s important to meet our needs around what’s going on in our life at the time
  • We use an example from Claire’s life to illustrate the point
  • We explain the hierarchy of urgency and importance when it comes to needs
  • How to create balance in the Needs Formula
  • How to find little things throughout the day to help nourish your needs
  • Why it’s important to direct your energy to what meet your needs best and reduce the impact of your busy life

Episode references:

Episode 70 - Burning the candle at both ends - The Needs Formula

Other references:

“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the ax.” - Abraham Lincoln

Mar 27, 202354:04
Podcast Update - Big Changes!

Podcast Update - Big Changes!

There are BIG changes happening here at The Universal Needs! We’re excited to tell you about this change as will enable us to reach more people and make our work more accessible.

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide Here’s how it’s going to work… - Since we’ve had a lot of requests, we have made some changes - Apart from the podcast that is available on various platforms, up till now, we also have a vodcast version on Patreon, available to a certain tier of subscribers - We are moving the vodcast to YouTube. All episodes are going to be available in full on our YouTube channel - This will make the videos more accessible and easier to share - Let us know your feedback and requests for episodes Episode references: Episode 69 - How to say 'no' when you find it really hard To find out more... The Podcast Episode guide: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1khpWBN3pv4RQp-1afo-WBLdiZ1y8-kZHvcWsUZuCaDk/edit#heading=h.nronh7hd731s Our Website: http://theuniversalneeds.com/ Email Us: info@theuniversalneeds.com Connect with us on Social Media Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/TheUniversalNeeds Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/nourishyourneeds Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theuniversalneeds/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@theuniversalneeds Twitter: https://twitter.com/universalneeds Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCoyLFobMUaJiJuNzy_nsT7Q Listen to the audio on the following platforms: Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/34gRYJ0xQmXo8jArEw0YH0 Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/well-sh*t-it-really-is-that-simple/id1592311432 Google Podcasts: https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy83MGY0OWQyMC9wb2RjYXN0L3Jzcw Please subscribe and share this episode so that other people can find us!

Mar 26, 202308:16
Episode 70 - Burning the candle at both ends series - The Needs Formula

Episode 70 - Burning the candle at both ends series - The Needs Formula

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 70 - Burning the candle at both ends series - The Needs Formula is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

If everything we do is done to meet our needs, why do we often feel so depleted? The answer to this is the Needs Formula. Today we discuss what the Needs Formula is and how we can navigate through it in order to feel more nourished and resourced.

In this episode, we cover...

  • Reminder: Everything we do, every second of every day is done to meet our needs
  • What is the needs formula?
  • We give examples of how anything we do both meets and needs and depletes them at the same time
  • How understanding red-green spectrum can help you meet your needs better
  • How the needs formula calculates your ROI (return on investment) on meeting your needs
  • How in relationships, what works for one person might not work for both
  • How sometimes getting what you want doesn’t mean getting what you need
  • How finding out the way to meet your needs in a green spectrum way is like a map

Episode references:

The episode where we talk about the red-green spectrum is Episode 3 - I need to do WHAT?

Mar 20, 202349:24
 Episode 69 - How to say no when you find it really hard

Episode 69 - How to say no when you find it really hard

Well Sh*t. It really is that simple - Episode 69 - How to say no when you find it really hard is now LIVE!

Full Show notes: https://bit.ly/WellShitEpisodeGuide

Are you a “yes” person? A lot of us have been conditioned to say “yes” from a young age. But when we say “yes” to things either without checking in with ourselves or when we actually mean to say “no”, it compromises more needs than it meets. Today’s episode deals with reasons why we feel compelled to say “yes” and how to say “no”, even to yourself.

In this episode, we cover…

  • Why we find it hard to say “no”
  • Why we say “yes”, even when it doesn’t serve us
  • How it might feel like we’re meeting multiple needs by saying “yes” but it actually compromises several more
  • How we are conditioned to say “yes” from childhood
  • How your subconscious influences the way you meet your needs
  • How saying “yes” can become a habit
  • How to say “no” to yourself and why it’s important
  • How to know if something needs to be reconsidered
  • How to be more mindful when replying to a request
  • Why having free time doesn’t mean you’re available
  • How your value need is linked to making the choice to say “no”
  • What a placeholder response is
  • Why getting used to saying “no” is like a pendulum
  • How “no” is a complete sentence
  • How needs change moment by moment and how that affects the decisions around saying “no”
  • How to start practicing saying “no” in a safe space

Episode references:

Episode 21 - Selfirst Series: The difference between doing harm and not meeting needs that were never your responsibility

Episode 30 - What happens when the Pride (Parade) comes AFTER a fall…

Episode 35 - Self worth Series: The link between self worth and self care

Other references:

U.K. Comedian Sarah Millican on saying “no” https://fb.watch/i8GPp5T8us/

Mar 13, 202301:01:27