Bipolar Inquiry

Join us in our latest episode of Bipolar Inquiry, where we explore the importance of co-creative projects and embodiment in the world of bipolar disorder and ChatGPT. Our host shares their personal journey of building a supportive and co-creative relationship with a close person in their life, and how it took four years of norming, storming, morale to get to that place. They also discuss how the integration of ChatGPT in our lives can change the way we consume and create content, and how to use it to make our creative endeavors more effective. Whether you're a fan of step-by-step videos or prefer a more lively approach, this episode is a must-listen for anyone with a bipolar diagnosis or interested in the creative potential of ChatGPT.

We will talk about:

1. The importance of co-creative projects and embodiment in the world of bipolar disorder and ChatGPT
2. The host's personal journey of building a supportive and co-creative relationship with a close person in their life
3. How the integration of ChatGPT in our lives can change the way we consume and create content
4. Tips and tricks on how to use ChatGPT to make our creative endeavors more effective
5. How the format of step-by-step videos compare to a more lively approach in terms of content consumption and creation.

And more!

I have a couple more things that I want to talk about with myself. And hopefully some of this is tip and the obsession with words, I have a certain project I want to talk about with myself. I don't know if it'll work or if it's something interesting to other people labeled with bipolar, but I think it could be something that's kind of interesting and fun. And there's a few layers to it. And basically, I came up with this idea, after watching some videos by the YouTuber v sauce, and he has a video called messages to the future, something like that. And at the end of the video, he talks about something called the library of Babel. And I'd heard about this library of Babel before conceptually, because I actually had a paper on it that somebody had written. But I didn't know it was a thing, like a thing on the computer. And when I first started writing stuff down for this idea to do with this online library of Babel, which is library of Babel dot info on the computer, the library wasn't up and running. So I couldn't test it out. But I kept going back to it and eventually found out that it was again working, and I got to give it a try.

So I think I've already created my my grandiose notion, which, which has to do with the singer versity, which is like, if we start moving in certain ways and sharing meaning, then it could have an effect. So yeah, there's something about that. And I'm glad that I created that bit, even though it might not come into play. And now it's more like, well, what am I meant to do? What am I allowed to do? I really, like do I still want to exist? Why am I still here. So many different things. And that's why I want to try to talk to myself, it's, I think, at the very least, it is helpful for survival. I need to continue to survive, we're all trying to survive, and maybe thrive. And I really don't know, if I'm meant to thrive, or if I will. And in another way, I've already actualized myself when I was in California, like I lived, kind of a dream of, you know, being with someone being happy. Having a lot of physical contact and, and fun, and, you know, sunshine and seeing Celine Dion, and then it just all drops out. And I'm back at this whole feeling of, I really don't have that many friends. And so this could be a way of, I need to read befriend myself, I really do. And that's I guess, what I'm going to attempt to do is be friend by myself again. And hopefully, it would be nice if I could make something practical for somebody like to help. I don't know if I will, because part of the trouble is, I don't have a very good memory.

So yesterday, I don't even know if I talked to myself I can't remember. And I woke up and I felt like so. suicidally depressed, I couldn't even move. It was so painful. And then sort of decided, going to the island. And then I felt like I could move again. And I managed to shower yesterday, not today yet. And I took some of the vitamins that Peter Smith told me to take. And again, I took some today, usually take them twice a day and at bedtime, but it's kind of like once a day happening. And all of a sudden, I felt like a little bit more creative. And like I can do things. And I don't know if I'll be like kind of falling back into the lowest common denominator at some point. But couple things last night, I had this weird experience I woke up in the night, and I don't usually wake up in the night. And somehow I knew it was the middle of the night. And I checked the time, which I never do, and it was 229. And it felt like how I was earlier in the night when I was sort of laying in this certain yoga posture like fully stretched out like this and like stretched out and touching in the back, laying on my forehead, on a yoga mat. And also on an earthing mat. And I discovered last night that doing that posture as well as the reverse waterfall, like with feet up on the couch, on an earthing that took away the pain like I was feeling this pain and the pain, I think has something to do with gravity. And also does the sound that I hear this really loud, like almost like a like a magnet turning or something.

It's 1112 on January 1 2019, happy new year, I was going to start at 1111. And a friend has texted me a picture of 1111 have screenshot of their phone on January 1. And I looked up and I was 1112. So here I am. And I'm kind of in creative mode right now. Yesterday, I had my teeth whitened. This is the most yellow one, sorry, looking better. I had a whitened and cleaned with ozone therapy. And the lady was so cool and generous with her time and her information and knowledge. So I'm going to look into this ozone therapy thing more. I bought an ozone machine a water ozonator. So I'm curious how ozonated swirl water will be. And I also bought some other stuff for what I'm creating. And some supplement powders like Magnolia bark, because that's an expensive supplement. And if I get it in powder, that will save some money. So I'm leaving the United States or leaving where I am on the 20th of January. So I'm gonna try to order some things that would be not available on Amazon Prime Canada, or would be more expensive in terms of shipping. So kind of be ordering more stuff. And getting all this creative stuff in order. There's been some challenges. And I think this is going to be a challenging year. 

I just had an acupuncture appointment, went to try acupuncture for a few weeks because it's coming upon the time were good have a bit of a crisis. It's the seven month mark, I think. So this next month and a half, something could happen like that. And I've heard acupuncture can be helpful for transconsciousness. And I feel pretty relaxed after that appointment. It was 200 American dollars, though. So hopefully, I'm doing the right things for myself and I created some bracelets like this that I want to give away as gestures of friendship. And I'm hoping that I can get in alignment with whatever it is I'm meant to get in alignment with. In this next while, kind of do or die time. That's how I feel. And we'll see how that manifests. I started taking some doTERRA oils, I got their little family essentials kit, which has lavender, lemon, peppermint, their blend, pod breathe, Deep Blue melaleuca, which is tea tree oil, frankincense, oregano, oil, digestion, which is another one of their blends and on guard. They're all supposed to do different things. And it comes with a cool book, to start to understand what some of them do, as well as information about ones that I didn't get. So I'll buy more, and the nice book, and so my digestion spin off. 

Sitting at the park, some kind of feeling the buisiness of the city, and how not loving that. So leaving in a week I think is good timing because I'm starting to feel I don't like all this traffic and construction can really feel the vibration of sound lately I can feel the airplane vibration in this table that I have my arm resting on the vibration of the music that I play in my car. So I'm sitting here and enjoying the frog croaking to the left and the birds to the right, including a hummingbird that I heard and watching a spider lower itself down by its web in sort of sequential jumps from the roof of this little shelter, and listening to the river. And the wind and the trees and the freshness and the air from the rain. So I'm feeling like where I'm going will be more suitable. Especially for how I'm recently feeling sort of the build up of Okay, what's enough busy city time. driving back and forth in traffic. It's more stressful driving in the dark, and the rain for sure. And just pondering what to take with me, I put some stuff aside to take with me, but I don't know which items I will take and need to pack my clothes, get some health insurance. 

I just had a really simply powerful experience. I was feeling so tired this morning, like tired of my eyes. And I was feeling like I wouldn't be able to shake it all day. And I'd taken my supplements but I hadn't yet had my coffee. So I stopped at Tim Hortons for coffee and sat down at a table and, and had my binder out studying what I'm facilitating today. And there was this table of four men across the way, I had my headphones in, and I had taken out my name tag for the group that was on the table. So I heard someone calling my name and it was one of the men at the table across the way and he just started making some small talk, talking about his knee surgery, asking what I was studying for things like that. And after we talked for a couple minutes, even though the restaurants loud and it was sort of shut, it really got up to talk to him, because it was kind of yelling across the way a little bit. But after we stopped talking, that tiredness in my eyes was gone. So it shows the power of the nutrient of human connection. And lately, I feel sort of like I don't feel I don't like living by myself. I want to live around a bunch of like minded people and not not alone. And it's not about loneliness, it's about this fact of the nutrition, the the power of this human connection, the light coming out of someone's eyes. So he was being friendly.

But it was really manic, I would take it probably put it on my necklace. But I'm not. And yeah, it's been an interesting couple of days. I was super, super tired yesterday. So first thing I want to talk about today is how I know do have a ticket to the event with the spiritual master I studied with 10 years ago, when he was here last. He's from Malaysia. And I guess, somebody else one, one person who I met there, who probably doesn't remember me, they emailed me and said, oh, there's no tickets, you can be 20th in line for cancellation. So it's not likely that you'll get a ticket. And then somebody else emailed me and said, Oh, I'm going to forward your email to that same person that already emailed me and I said, Oh, they already emailed me and said, there's no ticket. And I wrote a bit of a blurb about my struggles, and said, some of the stuff I remember experiencing with this enlightened master years ago, and that I did, you know, the discipline, one class of his in person years ago, and I guess I had mentioned, I listened to a recent talk on his online portal thing. And so I just got an email saying, Oh, we had a cancellation for the public talk. And since you've done discipline, one and listen to talks, we're going to give it to you. So you know, I just bought myself up from 20th, to first and here I was thinking that I wasn't going to be able to go. And I have to work some stuff out with my schedule to be able to go. But now that I have a ticket, I'm going to try to go No matter what, just to say sort of Thank you.

I'm feeling really domestic, really organized and cleaned a lot I decided to catch up on my laundry today instead of in a few days. Being in this house makes me feel like being domestic first. just noticing that, and for a while I've been wondering about my spire, it's smelled a little bit funny, like, ooh, because I've been using it since, I don't know, April May, and I haven't washed it. And I remember seeing online that it can get run through the washer and, and live. And it did get run through the washer accidentally tonight, so smells beautiful. It didn't go through the dryer, which is good, because I realized I was looking for my spire and I realized I left it on my bathing suit top so it's nice and clean. And I'm gonna let it air dry, it feels a little damp. And try it again tomorrow, see what happens. Hopefully it still works otherwise. Hopefully they might replace it. I remember reading somebody say that. They're good at replacing it because this thing so small, be so easy to lose. And so anyway. Yeah, so I wrote some stuff today. And I'm feeling like, maybe I should stop talking so much about this stuff and, and make it into a game or something or make it into created something creative. Because I don't know I've been I've been saying all this stuff for a long time. And not maybe the universe is playing a game with us. Because maybe I'm saying the same kind of thing over and over. And I'm looking forward to going out and hanging out with people tomorrow. From being here by myself. I don't feel lonely. I don't really get lonely. But I feel like I want to be around people. So it's not a lack. But I just enjoy being around people, especially since I was out and about, it was like I did a 60 day challenge without even knowing it. 

It seeming like I'm saying what to do, or how to do it, or what's right. I'm not doing that at all. And my motivation is to help other people like me somehow, but not by saying the way to do it. Because I really don't know. And that that would be negating people's ability to direct themselves and direct their own lives. So I'm showing me directing my own life and hoping that might help others in some way. Yesterday, I shared that somebody I know from my mental health community had died last year, and I didn't know. And it wasn't long after that other person from my community had died. And I didn't know that that person died. And these, these, these tragedies that happen these, these shortening of people's lives that happen are what motivate me to keep going. I remember reading that book, the grape care, and the lady was trying to carry herself with cancer with grapes. And she shared the struggle of her story and how, at one point she wanted to give up, but then she realized that she needed to live and succeed in order to help people. And at times, I felt like, I don't know if I'll be able to continue to go on, especially when I'm nearly about to end my own life by my own hands, I really don't know if I'm going to be able to keep going. And it doesn't even seem like it's my choice. But I'm still here, I'm still going. And it's sort of a slow go of a journey. But I feel like I need to figure stuff out enough to be able to stay strong in this type of perspective. Sometimes I feel like I'm speaking these bits of meaning to myself, that I've seen and created myself or I've created these perspectives and reframes and whatever you want to call it. And maybe one day, I'll just speak this way, and I won't write them down, I'll just be able to speak this way, in a powerful way to help other people and to keep the other paradigms away from people. So I spoke with my brain twin just, I just got off the phone, and he said he was struggling

Today I'm going to try this product organic energy drink pilots friend fruit tonic. And it has a lot of caffeine in it. So I'm going to try it doesn't say whether I'm supposed to shake it or not. So I'm not going to in case it's a little bit carbonated. And here we go. I said Kraft. It says crafted in Italy by doctors for pilots. So let's see if I can take off today. When I try to talk to myself a bunch today. It's actually quite tasty. Fruit tonic, it tastes like fruit. I already had my yerba Mattei, which has caffeine in it too. And it is an easy switch from coffee to yerba Mattei. For me. I like the Waukee brand. He was featured on a documentary about sustainability or something I can't remember what documentary it was, Oh, it was the documentary with the guy who jumped out of the window and asleep or something. And he was said to have some kind of disorder and he woke up in the hospital with a broken bone and changed his life. I don't remember his name now. But anyway, he featured that company and I knew about them probably 10 years ago at the eco friendly show here and they talked about how at least at the time, their packaging was completely completely compostable and stuff and I've been drinking their yerba Mattei for years, it's a lot cheaper to buy it from them online in bulk. If you drink a lot of it, then then retail.

I forgot to share an important part of the story, the sad story that I was sharing yesterday about a friend acquaintance of mine dying last year that I just found out about yesterday. And the interesting thing was, we're talking about this person. And then in the background, we're watching music videos, like retro music videos. And the video that was on. When we were talking about this person, which we saw after we were talking about them, or talking about how sad it was, the name of the artists, the first name of the artist on the TV music video was the same as the first name of the person who passed away. So then I said, Oh, they can hear us they're communicating with us. Yeah, whoo. So that was, that was cool. And everyone thought it was a neat way to look at it. So now that I talked to myself about how perhaps, the feeling of future consciousness of so called mania is his presence is eternity. Perhaps it's an algorithm of eternity and has nothing to do with future. So could be eternity consciousness. And then what happens when we go through the wormhole of brain algorithms, back to consciousness of self, which isn't creative, and it's actually non existent. So so the eternity consciousness is existence, whereas living in thought, and the feeling of having a separate self is illusion, or maybe Maya, as the Buddhists would say.

And I'm just waiting to see my counselor. And I got three new notebooks because I filled up my last two. I kind of like these ones because the pen goes on the paper better, that doesn't leak as much. Work hard, dream big, be brave. And get busy. I like to be. I like honeycombs, and that structure of how they all connect together. And I think we're kind of like a honeycomb structure. Humanity is and then I went to the health food store to try to get vitamin C serum, but it was so outrageously priced high. And I know I can get it cheaper on Amazon. So I'm going to do that. But I got a drink that I've never seen before. I've seen the bread company, they're the apple cider vinegar people and the liquid aminos people, but they have a drink, and it's Concord grapes. So I just thought I would try it and buy something in there. And yeah. And I also got a coffee. And when I was driving to the health food store, I took a different way I took the way the maps told me and I saw a metaphysical bookstore, so I might pop by there after my appointment, and then somewhere else and then I'm driving out to see a friend. I'm feeling pretty tired. These last couple of days, because I'm taking only a quarter of Sapa cone and I'm not sleeping as much.

And I think what can happen is in mania is there is a sort of dreaming while awake algorithm in the brain. So there's lucid dreaming, where one becomes consciously aware, one is dreaming, and then controls the dream. And I think what happens in mania is that the person, whether they know it or not, has been woken up from the dream of objectivity. And one is more in contact with subjectivity, like a dreamer would be. But I don't know, if we are usually aware of this, it just sort of changes in is kind of magical. And we're like, oh, this is strange. But I think that which realize is it that which wakes up is something more universal. So it could be a universal human consciousness. It's not that a self or a thought, is aware that one is dreaming. Like the self is this structure of thinking. And in order to wake up, well awake. That's that self structure needs to actually dissipate. Because that's all structures that actually which is wasting our energy in lower energetic states of the brain. Because it's repetitive. So all of a sudden, now we're in this really awake state where nothing feels like repetition, everything feels so new. We're looking at something as if it's for the first time. And in a way, that's because we're not looking through thought. We're not looking through the lens of the thought of self. We're just looking. So there's something totally different.

I haven't really spent a lot of time in this room. And I'm trying to speak a little quiet because this house really echoes. And after I finished my Subway sandwich, a friend of mine texted and said, Hey, do you want to come and visit my little studio set for my TV show. And so I said, Yeah, and I had to be there in half an hour. So I dropped everything and went there. And it was kind of neat. Very cool. And I sort of wanted to see what kind of setup he has to have a little TV show. Just curious and curious to see what he does, because he really connects people, he's really good at interviewing people, he's very positive, I really resonate and gravitate towards this person. And so it was a great experience to be able to do that. And that's sort of what I think is cool about how the last three months I spent time mostly out and about eating at restaurants, sitting in a coffee shop, meeting a friend in the sitting in their coffee shop. Not really talking to too many strangers and things not really having any bad interactions, but not having. Like, if I was in Romania, I would probably meet a lot of people and they'd be talking to me and things. 

Things are really unpredictable for example, might not be able to tell, but there's a haze from fires in the interior. And they just, it just arrived this morning because it wasn't like this yesterday so you can see it better there because the sun is kind of blurred out. And the reason I mentioned this is because it was raining for a couple days or cloudy without the smoke and I was thinking well after after the rain goes away, I'll be able to sit in the sun and get a tan well I can't really do that now because there's smoke and there probably will be for some period of time think last year was like that for quite a while. Spider eating a bug. So as much as we'd like things to be predictable, they're just not that way. All of a sudden the smoke from the interior makes its way down here and it's the sun. vibration is largely inaccessible. And I got a little bag of hide shoes. I bought a Costco bag a couple weeks ago and I ate it pretty quick. So I got a small bag because they were at the drugstore where I dropped off my prescription for nausea Nan and they said is discontinued or they can only get the five milligrams not the two which is what I was prescribed. So they're gonna have to do some dangling to get the fives and then at the doctor to change it to two and a half milligram prescription so I can take half and my doctor also upped the dosage of trazadone to up to 150 a night I've been taking 100 I could try 150 and skip this awful cone but I've been sleeping so well and I don't really want to mess with it right now. So I'm going to keep up that same regime of two and a half Cotai pain 100 milligrams trazadone and half is awful calm and I went down to one Benadryl um, I try to get rid of the Benadryl. And yeah, so high twos. Remember reading an article on Dr. mercola.com, saying it's good to have less than 67 grams of sugar a day? Well, there's 25 grams and eight pieces of these

There's a lot of bugs in the grass here. So I feel kinda like, grumpy about that for some reason. And yeah, I think I heard someone calling me but I was in my dark room, and I just didn't get up. So I feel like that's partly because I didn't know what time it was. And then I looked at the time and it was late and I missed out so I kind of feel bad, feel maybe mad at myself. Because I know I have a bit of a wall up. in general. It's sort of like, walling off that energy as to not share it with anyone because they don't want it from what I've seen in previous waves of that energy. So I feel kind of disconnected and even more forgetful about people. And I still feel kind of like, I'm just not going to come back. And so maybe part of putting up that wall is just preparing myself for that perspective of, I don't know, if I'm coming back then I had a little bit of suicidal thinking. And it's like, no, don't think that way, just think I'm leaving. And I'm not coming back here doesn't mean like death would be the same thing leaving and not coming back. But so is going on a trip and then going with the flow after that. So just feel a little bit weird, I don't know. And there are a lot of bugs in this grass. And I signed up for for Steve pavilion as 30 day abundance deep dive was 100 bucks us and I'm just watching some of his bonus videos right now he has one on subject subjective reality, which I think is something I need to learn about.

I'm gonna keep talking to myself, not every day, but whenever just for the sake of continuation of the journey. And mainly what I do lately is wake up shower, but I didn't this morning and then leave the house and do whatever, wander around. And I'm finding that I'm losing any sense of being able to create a routine because I don't have a home that's fully equipped with everything I need to make routine, like a kitchen. So I'm spending way too much money eating at restaurants. Yesterday, I spent $25, on dinner, I spent 10 bucks on coffee and ice cream. And that was it. That's a lot $35 a day that could almost pay rent. So yeah, I need to be better about that. But I'm also enjoying hanging out with friends when I'm with friends. And usually we'll eat at a restaurant or something. So it's not bad. But it's not sustainable. But I am planning to leave in a month or so anyway. So it's just sort of the cost of not having a kitchen, and I am getting a sense of what it is like to live just having a place to sleep and shower, which is enough in the summertime. In the wintertime, it wouldn't really be good, it wouldn't work out because I don't want to stay there during the day. And so I'm just heating up some waffles at someone else's house, and then I'm going to go spend a day in the sun. Yesterday, I went for a hike and then late at a park and then went for dinner and then watched a movie. I watched the Stanford Prison Experiment, which was interesting.

When the brain speeds up, it goes further and further into the dimension of light. So then, if one is still around the dimension of matter and heaviness like, for example, a bipolar person living with their parents, parents have a different worldview. Bipolar people can take many worldviews. So when the brain speeds up, one can get a lot done. But then in order to really. So if I go out and about in the world, and I'm perception action, like, I don't know if I'm in matter or light, and other people don't either, and that doesn't matter. But then when I come back home, I'm definitely needing to slow down here, my brain has to slow down because energy levels are slower. I can get faster here, like I could work on my computer all day and speed up in this environment, but then I would have to slow down like brain would naturally. And when it does slow down, it can be painful, it can be sad, it can one can start crying or being moody. 

Last night, I couldn't sleep. I was trying to fall asleep. And I was just feeling so wide awake in the dark room. So I took half a sleeping pill and I fell asleep. But I only slept probably eight hours. I don't think I got to sleep until one woke up at nine, some going to work. And I was driving just feeling kind of angry. So I'm still stuck at the level of consciousness of anger. But then it was sort of morphing. And I was feeling like the power of it and feeling like moved to action by anger versus festering in it. And so I was sort of, I don't know, like enjoying the anger, or like neutral about it, as opposed to resisting it. So it changed in a way like, it made me realize, hey, in a month or less, I could go back to the island, or when I go to California, if I go, maybe I can try never come back, or just keep going on a journey, like go on a journey. See what happens. And so my mind was a little bit more focused on that. I do want to see Celine Dion. And I might do this online meditation program, because an enlightened master I met years ago was coming back into town. And I was thinking of one day traveling to see him just to be like, Hey, what's up. And I do think this struggle moving in and out of Paradise is going into paradise, aka kind of mania and falling out of it depression. 

Part of the trouble with the mental health system is that they take authority over our inner experience, our subjective experience, and then they tell us what that experience means, according to their training. But they can't stop us from figuring out our own meanings internally. And my eyes are kind of squinting, because I feel really tired. I had to wake up earlier today than usual. And I'm wondering if we're not bipolar, but we're non dual, we get in touch with non dual consciousness. And I don't know much about non duality. But when the non dual consciousness comes in, it feels so wonderful and it goes into magical pneus. But then around others who know us who don't operate that way. We manifest as non dual in that we manifest as sort of the sum totality of the chaos of that situation. And we act it out. And it's showing that we're not this consistent person. But the medical system insists No, it's a consistent person suffering from inconsistency. There's a person in there. But there isn't a person in there. But I don't think people want to know this.

I think one of the signs that the self is absent. traumatized self is one can see beauty and is in a bit. So I was feeling some pain in my body. And I decided to go out for a walk. And then I looked down from the cliff and the water It looks so magical I just want to get in. It's pretty cold though. And I feel like I could just stay here all day and watch the water flow. So changing and new. And then I was watching these barnacles, I've never seen the big barnacles that have these big things to canal, they look really ancient. They're combing the sea. So I took some video of this beautiful spot. Maybe I will try and get in the ocean. One day when it's not windy. Maybe the cold will be good for my body. Try that. I'm laying kind of upside down on a rock. Waters back there. Beauty is immense. And we're all friends. I wrote down something before I went out for a walk I wrote down that the answer isn't in detaching from those one is attached to. But in loving everyone. As much as one word if one did unconditionally love those one was attached to through life circumstances. I don't know if that's true. There are no words. Why is it that sometimes one could watch the ocean for hours with not a single thought. And then other times, one cannot stand another single second of this existence. Because of the pain of itself. of continuance of trauma

Can't tell if, from the ocean when the waves come in, if a sound is reflecting off the leaves shortly after, or if the waves are sort of creating a wind that's making the leaves make that sound that is equivalent to the ocean waves. So I hear the waves there. And then I noticed I could hear the waves behind me. And there's this direct interplay between the wave sound and the sound that the forest behind me is making. And maple trees. That's the only name of a tree I really know except for pine, pine, and maple. But one doesn't need to know the names of things in order to appreciate them, might be easier to appreciate them when we don't know the name. we're so busy worried about what the names of things are, and we're not looking at it. But as the waves get louder, the sound of the trees gets louder, too. And it's really fascinating discovery, I don't know if it's, the change in pressure that's causing that sound of the leaves or the wind or no can't really be the wind because unless wind is slightly coming in, or the air is changing slightly with each wave. And the air is counting is carrying the wave sound and then it's reflecting off the leaves and coming back. Sounds like such a boring thing to talk about, right? But when I heard that, when I realized that it was really a remarkable thing. It's something that I could sit here and observe for several hours, just that one fascinating aspect of reality, and I would listen in such a way that some point, I'd understand how it worked.

So I need to overcome my laziness, and cook. So I will do that. I'm glad that I broke the ice with that. And I'm sitting by the ocean, and doable bit of reading, I might do my coherence breathing with the heart math device that I got, because I'm not having very many calm minutes of breathing a day, according to spire, so something I could do to bring in the calm breathing. Could be a good thing. Not sure. I'm reading a book by Dr. Joe dispenza, called becoming supernatural. And I want a chapter where he's describing how Thought and Feeling can influence the brain and body. So he's talking about experiments where people were asked to imagine themselves lifting a weight or doing a bicep curl or flexing their bicep as hard as they can, every day for 15 minutes for 12 weeks. And I think they found that just by thought alone, they were able to increase their strength by close to 11%. And have a few things to say about this. One is that if that person was to actually lift a weight for 15 minutes a day, for 12 weeks, they probably would have gained a lot more strength than only 11%. And then also, if that person is imagining lifting a weight for 12 weeks, but then doesn't intend to actually lift a weight later on, they've just wasted a bunch of energy building brain cells and neural networks that they're not going to use. 

When life doesn't conform to a pattern, and that's something that we see when we start having these so called extraordinary experiences is that reality doesn't actually fit the pattern that we've been imposing upon it and living by and I really feel there really is something to this relativity and consciousness thing. Like we, as we exist, now we exist relative to each other. We're all sort of in separate worlds. So then, depending on how our two worlds meet, that's how we manifest like the mathematics between the two. So we're sort of result of my conditioning meets your conditioning, and how that plays out. As opposed to the notion of the possibility of an actuality based on one mind and I feel that that's kind of what we go into when we Go into mania and everything works out so perfect. Because we're in this one mind, actuality, where things aren't dual. So whatever is within us, is immediately presented to us in actuality, because life isn't going to a pattern, it's going to what is there in the moment. So what is there in the moment within us, if it's a lot of energy, then a lot of energy comes towards us in terms of people and things and ideas. So I'm not sure about that. But I noticed that on Tuesday, Thursday, last week, I had a lot of calm breathing in 40 minutes plus, but I was stressed out like I wasn't calm. 

I'm out doing a nice long walk I feel really tired today got really tired, pretty tired. And I slept 13 hours last night from like 9:30pm to 10:30am. And it's kind of good because this point in time and my bipolar biorhythm, I'd likely be sleeping like six to eight hours, which is very little compared to 12 to 13, or 10 to 13 hours. And then I get to a point where I can't sleep at all. And I've already had those blips where I couldn't sleep or couldn't fall into sleep. And I was able to take supplements to fall asleep. So I wonder if I'm even over the hump of the crisis, I could be in the post crisis follow up where I'm more tired and a little bit lower mood. And I did not drink coffee yesterday. And that probably has an effect too. I'm going to try and not drink coffee this week, just in case that leads to that sort of anxiety feeling. And I was trying not to take extra uppers like tyrosine or methyl full aid. But it might be a little bit hard to get through the week. If I don't take some at some point. I don't want to feel like really low. But I don't want to feel that anxiety feeling. So that anxiety feeling indicates that I haven't yet hit the crisis. So I really don't know what the best thing to do is. But I do need to remember that. This point in time, right now, this next month or so is really about navigating the crisis. And I'm a little bit distracted by other dynamics. But the thing is, during a crisis, those other dynamics kind of come in and are really distracting.

I just saved a bee. And my mouth was frozen because I had some cavities filled. But I was walking out from the dentist, and there was a bee on his back going crazy. So I picked him up with my suntanning glasses. And then I drove down and I was gonna put them in the bushes here. So if he was gonna die, at least he could die in the dirt as opposed to on the cement on the stairs where someone was probably going to step on him. And I was taking a video of him with my macro lens. And watching him struggle for so long, I realized he's sort of struggling with this really small piece of fluff maybe I couldn't decide I couldn't figure out what else was wrong. And I used to have these like medical tweezers just lingering in my car. Oh, I probably have them. I probably have them in the trunk, but I didn't think of that yet. So I took out a pen. And he was on his back struggling so I sort of was just sort of like trying to pick this fluff off that I couldn't even really see with my eyes. I could only see it really with the macro lens, but I kind of knew it was there. And as I started to do that, I might have got the fluff and then he started to struggle and he was on his standing on his front and flailing instead of on his back. So I opened the door and then I did a bit more and I was pretty sure I moved the fluff or or got it and then he flew away. He just flew away. So that was so great. I really didn't think I could help that be at all. I just wanted to put him in a nicer place. But at least he got to fly. 

When I was trying to go back to sleep, I was experiencing that kind of remote viewing thing. And usually that only happens at night when I'm trying to fall asleep the first time, but not in the morning, when I'm kind of waking up and trying to go back to sleep. So could be a sign that my brain is starting to go into altered states ish. And I felt a little bit of like, I wouldn't say they're like suicidal thoughts, but just a little bit, kind of, I think feeling the pressure of getting out of here might be good to go sooner rather than later, but two more weeks, and then I'm out of here. And I was also feeling a bit of weirdness around not talking to certain people. But usually when I leave, I'm on good terms, but I don't know, I'm just not feeling it. And my stomach's been bothering me. Yesterday, I started typing a blog post, and then I ended up typing 7000 words. And I think I fried my brain a little bit. There were parts of the day when I was typing, where I literally felt my body disappearing. And then I was remembering that I'm not supposed to be working on stuff like that, Oh, just one little quick blog post an update, and it turns into 7000 words. So I need to remember to go back to doing nothing, because this energy, if I put it into doing will augment that and I was making, I was writing an article about non doing, but then I did a lot of words.

Something that just came to mind regarding possibly. Why in quotes, some people are a lot of people who have a history of trauma, then end up with something like so called bipolar. And one could say, well, it's partly because of unresolved trauma. And how do people often resolve trauma? Well, it's finding out who's to blame. And then maybe going after them in some way to make somebody wrong, such as via the justice system. So it's about punishment, punishing somebody. And it's possible that a lot of people don't go that route, for whatever reason, they don't have support, they don't want to, they're too afraid. It's not something that's punishable by law. It's a hard path to go. And maybe some people see the futility in that path. Or they feel it was partly their fault. So you know, sometimes people have these trauma backgrounds, and they end up going into a so called manic state. And a manic state is creative. And what I'm trying to say is, there could be a blessing in disguise in quotes in that going after somebody to punish somebody doesn't really resolve anything. It makes somebody right and somebody wrong. But this division of right and wrong, and somebody is good, and somebody bad, is all conflict and nothing The world is going to be resolved by conflict. And I'm not saying that to say like, there's no such thing as a crime or whatever. 

This morning, I was supposed to go to an event. So I had my alarm set for 730. And I was so tired. Thing is because I take all those tranquilizing supplements, so I didn't get up, I slept until 10. I feel like my brain needs all the sleep it can get. In this morning, I took a tyrosine for the first time in a week or so, because I was feeling a little down. And I also took a methylfolate, because that has brought me up a little bit before. And I don't know if that's necessary, but maybe it's not necessary to feel down if one can take a supplement that gives the brain the building blocks to be a bit more up. And it's especially because I'm going to be around other people today. And I don't want to have like a negative brain state that might be able to be remedied by a simple remedy. Because that ripples outwards. So we'll see because sometimes that affects sleep. And I also saw the magical forest again last night, and I was able to look at it a bit longer, and there was more of it as well like more of the path. And I was able to look at it for more than just a glimpse, I was able to kind of like, be there and then like look around for a second. And then it withdrew. And I was wondering if it has anything to do with sensory deprivation, because when it happened last night, I heard this humming noise so I put on my ear muffs those kind of big awkward ones and I knew I wouldn't fall asleep with them on but I at least wanted my brain to settle down with quiet and then that was laying on my back and I saw the forest and I was able to look and so my my hearing was deprived and same was seeing like there was no light in that room it's complete darkness. And it made me think of like a float tank where it's dark and there's no sound and things like that.

My plan today was foiled, I was going to go to the family constellation Meetup group, which is a seven hour meetup. And I left a little bit too late, I was thinking it would only take an hour to get there. But it was more like an hour and a half. And then I got stuck in even more traffic. And then I finally parked in the same place I did last time. And it wasn't $7.25 it was $23 exact same parking space and place. So I started walking towards the meetup, even though I was already over half an hour late. And that parking space is about half an hour walk from the place. And I parked there because I thought it was going to be $7.25. And the traffic was so bad, I couldn't go anywhere else after I parked. And then the street was being paved, and I couldn't even cross the street, going straight up or to cross to go over left, it diverted me right. And I'm like, Okay, I'm going to be past the hour. And last time she talked for the first hour and then once she starts the first constellation, it'd be pretty rude to show up and the constellation go out can go on for like an hour or maybe even two. So I don't want to stand and wait for that long outside the door. So I was like, screw it. And luckily I grabbed my rollerblades on my way out the door. And I just ditched the event. I sat and just chilled for a while outside for like an hour or so and then went back to my car grab my skates just went to my favorite place to skate. And I've already skated 23 miles. And when I started I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm tired. I don't know if I can even do this. And I've skated 23 miles with this is my second break, I took a first break pretty quick into it. And then I just skated for miles and miles miles. And now I'm taking a second break, and I'm thinking I probably shouldn't do another lap. I'm going to be exhausted tomorrow. Which is good, because the spire device says that I didn't have any calm time yesterday, and none so far today. So I think tomorrow would be good to be to have a calm day

You know, you're in a bit of a time warp and consciousness when one of your apps reminds you that you have a blood donation tomorrow on April 17. When it's may 1. And speaking of may 1. Today, it would be my two year anniversary. Since I was released from the psych ward, I don't remember the exact date. I was released from the psych ward two years ago, but pretty sure I was out of there by May 1. And I think I can't remember if I was out of the step down from the hospital. Or if that was mid may think it was early May. So it's about two years now, since I've been hospitalized. And it's been a long and difficult at times journey. Yes, yesterday, I got my heart math device in the mail. And it uses an app called inner balance. It's much like the complete coherence app. But prettier, I guess. And perhaps a little easier to use. Because for the complete coherence app, I use a chest strap. So takes a second to strap that around my chest. And this device, you plug into your phone. They also have a Bluetooth one, but I thought the plug in was a bit easier.

This is how strange insight is I've been thinking about not having inside and leaving inside alone and I was singing a little bit. And then realizing I was having an insight into how I'm waiting for the vibrato to come in. And it's not something I can do or Command now, but I can invite it and maybe it'll eventually happen. And then I was thinking about certain symptoms that I've had of like shaking and being cold and that sort of vibration. And then I had an insight into how maybe some symptoms can actually be signs of what our, our talent or gift was, or should have been, had we gone along that path, as opposed to going along a path of being mechanized and to some kind of function as a cog in the machine of society's commercialism. So I was having an insight into the possibility of how symptoms are, of suppose that illness are signs that might point to what our artistic gift was, and might have been. And still could be. And maybe talking about insights when I have them is good. That's why I'm just doing it now. And I haven't had a shower yet. I'll talk more later, I'm going to go back to singing while I have a few minutes of space to myself. finally made it out to the park. After procrastinating. I wanted to charge my spire and then put it on, but I forgot to put it on before I left. 

Yesterday and last night was a rough night. I was triggered yesterday. And then I was talking to a friend after on FaceTime and got some distressing news that's not completely related to me, per se. But I don't get just stressed only by things that relate to me relates to her being human and sort of distressing unsolved news that relates to some details my life too. So, after talking, I just felt really, really disturbed by that. Really disturbed and I had trouble sleeping, and I felt so much pain in my body and fear for for this news that I heard. So again, life brought me back down to earth. And I still distressed by it, and I'm feeling kind of depressed today. And I didn't have a very good sleep, I think the sleep cycle shows I slept better than I did, because I was still awake at 130. And I had to get up and take one extra zinc and one extra sunflower lecithin, because I took one zinc at bedtime, and three, sunflower lecithin, so or maybe four, so I had to get up and take the fifth sunflower lecithin. And I did fall asleep. But I didn't go to that breathing workshop this morning. Because I would have had to get up at like eight or something. There's one again tomorrow. And I don't know if it's part one and part two. So my email to ask if I can go tomorrow if I sleep better. And I wanted to go and that's the thing like that happens is when I sort of hit the wall, there's some things I want to go to and then I don't get to go. And I feel like I can't go like last night I felt like Oh man, I just can't drive all that way. 

It's either today or tomorrow that kyron a comet enters Aries. And I looked into it a bit and it looks like it enters Aries every 50 years, but it will be in Aries for nine years. And I'm going to talk about this more later. But today, I'm going to go and donate blood. kyron represents the wounded healer. And it's coming into my birth sign either today according to one website or tomorrow on my very birthday. But first reaching out to heal others who are in need of some blood. So I'm going to go do that. And then I'll come back and hopefully I'll get a chance to talk to myself more later. Chiron enters Aries blood lady just told me about a book club dirty jeans. Hello was a really successful blood donation. Papa Paul. And they also gave me this neat little three time donor thing, though, it was my sixth time. And I just saw a llama which is really cool. And last night I slept really well. I fell asleep right away, I only took one dose of the falling asleep vitamins and I didn't take as much as the night before I took one last sunflower lecithin I think I took less taurine. Hopefully, I won't have to take taurine at bedtime at all. So I am going to start to minimize that falling asleep stuff. But it's nice because for these last two days, and today that I haven't been taking the dopamine boosters, I felt tired at around seven or eight. I stay up later. But it's good to feel tired, because that'll help me fall asleep.

So I did have to get up. Take more sleep supplements. And this is the thing waiting too many days now. I don't even know which day I did what? I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I took the dopamine boosters had trouble sleeping. So then, yeah, that's right. I took a screenshot of the hour that I wasn't able to sleep. And then I got up, took the extra supplements. And I fell asleep. And I'm having trouble remembering what I took exactly it just it doesn't matter. I had to take more sunflower less than maybe tryptophan, glycine, taurine, zinc, probably not sync. And then I did fall asleep. So then on the 14th, which was Saturday, I didn't take any dopamine boosters. At all. I didn't take the rhodiola or the trip to the tyrosine. I probably took Magnolia bark, and that's the only one and I don't think I took the skullcap. So there's not that many dopamine boosters. Some of them work on a dopamine a little bit, some of the neuroplasticity ones. Okay, my brain is getting really confused. And I'm going to leave that first part in just to show that I'm losing track of everything. I think it was on the 13th that I didn't take dopamine boosters, at least I didn't take tyrosine. And on the night of the 13th. I did sleep well without getting up and taking the extra stuff. The sleep cycle app says I slept from 1108 to 805. And I had 87% sleep quality according to their algorithm, which is good.

So today, I experimented with not taking any kind of dopamine enhancers. I didn't take tyrosine I didn't take rhodiola I didn't shine on the sad light, or the blue light. And I did take Magnolia bark, I didn't know that it acted on dopamine until I was doing a little bit of studying of the balancing brain chemistry protocols. So I did take Magnolia bark. And there might have been something else that I didn't take. And I also took 4000 milligrams of tyrosine or sorry, taurine this morning, as well as 18 grams of glycine, which is triple dose. And then I also had six grams of glycine and 4000 milligrams of taurine, half an hour, so before dinner. So I've upped the sort of calming amino acids and down the dopamine stuff. And I did that partly because of what happened two nights ago. But even more so because of what happened last night. Last night was crazy. It was absolutely crazy. I again, couldn't sleep. But I was trying to sleep. And this thing that happens that I didn't really think too much about a medicine something but it before happened where I close my eyes, and I can see this energy. And it's like I'm looking into something, maybe into everything I don't know, into like the dream world. And I can see all this energy sort of fluxing around and then sometimes it creates shapes and pictures and things. And then every now and then it sort of coalesces into a very clear picture. I can see like a person very clearly, or another person very clearly or a house somewhere

Today, I got a lot done. And I was looking forward to talking about some of it. But just within the last five minutes, I really feel like my state of consciousness has kind of gone like and I'm not really sure why. So later on that same evening, I found a clue. This is a screenshot of an app called nature mood that I downloaded after watching the movie The solar revolution. And that sparked my interest in geomagnetic storms. At the top here, here's the geo index. And there is a geomagnetic storm coming up. It also has bio rhythms if you put in your birthday, it has millimeters and Mercury whether moon cycle and at the top the geomagnetic storm. So a G one storm is coming in these next few days and it'll be interesting to see if it has any kind of effect. That was the eighth and ninth 10th 11th 12th and maybe on there is geomagnetic activity so I find this really fascinating and I'm going to pay attention to this. Good news as though I found a mini cactus Look at this. Look at this baby. Squirrel water. What I wanted to talk about today was how I ordered a ton of supplements. What else is new, but I probably spent like maybe like 500 bucks on supplements today. But it's going to taught me up until the end of June. So with what I have now and what I bought, I should have enough for my crisis. And what did I order I ordered mostly from vitacost and I also put an in an order with I herb for these two per day. capsules and here's another bottle and I ordered the powder of this on I herb and I ordered one bottle of Cal brand lithium orotate because I ordered three bottles on vitacost three bottles is only a month and a half worth but they might think it's more than that worth. And I think you can only order three months worth Max, so I didn't want to chance it. 

That's a really nice day. So decided to go for a walk in the park. And everything starting to bud or even some flowers. Spring is here. So have to keep that in mind to remember to get outside when I can. And I'm on day two of ketogenic, even though I've been doing it for a few more days than that, yesterday was the first day that I was really able to stay in my targets of fat and protein and carbs. And I'm doing good so far today, too. And I weighed myself today. And I'm 117, which is down two pounds from 119. So that is a bit of evidence that this might help for some fat loss. Not saying I'm fat, I'm not fat, but it's good to cleanse and get rid of some of the old fat every now and then. Because I'm not going to stick to this ketogenic thing forever. Maybe a month, maybe up until my next crisis, maybe only a couple more days, I don't know. And it looks so magical. And it feels kind of like, inside is coming back a bit. I wasn't sure if it would being on 50 milligrams of typing a day, but starting to write down some insights. So that could be a sign of dopamine getting higher. And I emailed Peter Smith to do another consultation with him to talk about his suicide remedy program, or anti suicide, it should be really remedies to help when this switch happens in my brain that makes me feel like I want to harm myself or in my life. And the last time it happened, I just felt like I was ending my life in my brain. But I was just laying there. And I was fully aware of that. But it was just agonizing. And then I had to go back on meds and it was such a long, hard journey. So wouldn't be planned better, and prepared better this time. And I also asked him in the email, since my cycle of eight and a half months is very predictable. If I could start tapering off the antidepressant stuff, that sort of pushes me towards mania a month before the crisis, and maybe if that lowers the dopamine, because in the past, I haven't been on these remedies, and it just seems to naturally get higher and higher

For the lithium orotate, it came to mind that I could put my lithium orotate caps, the Swanson brown ones that look white in with a vial of lithium carbonate. So I took out the lithium carbonate, filled it with lithium orotate. And I only had 45 of the Swanson brand. And I need 60 to get through the month. So I took some of the Dr. Napier lithium orotate brand that looks kind of like aspirin and put up with my baby aspirin. So that reminds me I need to take those out. Because right now, I don't actually know if I took baby aspirin or another lithium orotate because I didn't quite separate them yet. So that's how one with the vitamins, because I had other stuff on there and it was gonna be like 30 bucks American, I'm like, How can I not spend this 30 bucks American right now. And I'm really glad to be here. This shows that even when there's months of real struggle that it's, again possible to make dreams come true. Whether it's international travel or whatever, there's always ways we have that creative energy and we can use that creative energy to create good situations when we're in good internal states. For now, not much to say it's being present. Can you hear something I wonder what it is? What extra bits did I end up bringing I brought my chest strap in case I want to do some coherence breathing and I haven't done that in a long time. Now I also brought my earthing shoe attachment and this might make me look a little weird, but this is somewhere I definitely want to be connected to the earth and have that energy go directly to my skin.

And this can be a good day and a bad thing at the same time. Definitely spending more money, which is one of my sort of signs of being a little bit more than happy side. But I feel like I have it under wraps. I was going to dollarama, mainly to get a couple of things. Here's my list here. I wanted to see if I could get a better iPhone holder. Or if they had a two amp charger, plug, I need one for my external battery pack. And the one that I'm using belongs to a phone that I need to return. So I need to get that but they didn't have that. Then I saw these sporty dry bags for water sports to throw in your electronics and stuff different dollar am on my way out after I'd already stood in line for a long time. But they didn't have that I did get some double A batteries because I wanted to try it in my remote control for my TV to see if it works because the robots not really working. So I got that. And then I wanted to get some of these flat batteries because I have this cute little lamp. But the batteries were kind of corroded in here a little bit and I only have one of them. So I'm trying to decide if I want to bring this little lamp to California because where I am is sometimes kind of dark. So let's just get right to it to the whole perception action thing. So there are those. I don't think I grabbed the bottom to this. So I'll have to try that in a minute along with the remote control. And then I have these dumb slippers who only $3.50 add another pair that my mom got for me but I lost them. There was a power outage for a few days and I was wearing them then also I couldn't find them and my feet have been cold down in this new basement area. So I figured for $3.50 solve that problem because socks don't quite do the trick for some reason. 

There are a couple of things I want to talk with myself about today. As I sit here in my beanbag chair that I got for $10 at Value Village. But to start with today was supposed to be a milestone day. And I know that because I marked it in my iCal, I was marking certain milestones when I was doing the micronutrient protocol, and hoping to be able to stay on micronutrients only, and no psycho pharmaceuticals for as long as I could. And today was the day I marked as eight and a half months with zero medications. And that would be eight and a half months on micronutrients only. And then I also marked it as 11 months since the last crisis. And I think I did that because I had some crisis like stuff when I was in California in I think it was late March, early April ish. And then yeah, so that's how it went. So enough, a half months, no medications micronutrients only, and then adding two and a half months. That's 11 months ago, there was a crisis at this point. But this isn't the way it unfolded, unraveled. What actually happened was it did unravel. And things unraveled for me in mid October, so October, November, December, January, February, four months ago. So I was able to do about five months on micronutrients only. But then I had a crisis at more or less eight and a half months since my last prices, blah, blah, blah, lots of different days. But had I been able to do micronutrients only up until this point, it would have been eight and a half months with only micronutrients. So I marked in my calendar, and here I am arriving at that day. But like I said, didn't happen that way. I went back on psycho pharmaceuticals in mid October of 2017. And it was a real struggle for a good three to three and a half months. And an even harder struggle than in the past. So I'm going to delete this event. Now that I've talked about it, because that's not the way it happened. And I've been on Seroquel since mid October, I'm only on 50 milligrams at night, which isn't too bad. And now I'm aiming for something different.