The Hate Napkin

Welcome to the Twilight Zone, but not an interesting one. A listener shares their hate for a pet that wakes them up in the middle of the night. Arik understands, as his cat likes to act like Chevy Chase with the Christmas Tree. Arik doesn't like hairballs or the sound of choking on the carpet. Carol is experiencing hot flashes, thanks to Mother Nature.

It's easier than ever to identify dumb people, and it isn't based on their educational qualifications. Arik enjoys the end pieces of bread; it feels like he's pushing a bit, and Carol wonders if he's tossing salad. Paul starts to ¨submit to the bits¨ and Carol brings out her ¨cat¨. You'll be happy when you reach the butt of this episode.

Perhaps it's flea season, and Arik is pushing to be the worst podcast in the history of podcasts. Paulie realizes this is just a part-time job and goes on a rant about a company that might be an educational center in Asia. Happy Labor Day, folks, and welcome to the gig economy. Part-time jobs that feel like full-time jobs are definitely put on the top of The Hate Napkin. It looks like the end of this loaf is tainted. Let's hope there's a Season Two, folks. Happy New Year 2024!

This episode starts with a proper promotion for our sponsor. Carol feels bad about the massive attention Burt Korn, Alabama has gotten from this podcast.

Arik begins with bad driver's test questions. If you are getting a learner's permit, do you have to know the maximum weight of a vehicle for a commercial driver's license? The answer: who gives a Flying J? Additionally, if Lindsey Graham shows up in a crosswalk, do you speed up?

Arik doesn't realize that he isn't the only one using a one exit shortcut. He uses it four times a day and doesn't understand why it is busy. We aren't sure if it's just the traffic being slow. This pause in rational thinking is brought to you by Come-And-Go.

Glory Holes take over most of the rest of this episode. Arik helps his contractor understand why there are holes in the bathroom stalls. Beads as entryways to bathrooms have been added to The Hate Napkin. Arik hasn't thought enough about Glory Holes, and he believes Hollywood is avoiding the topic.

Just when you think this episode couldn't get any dirtier, somehow sex with socks ends up on The Hate Napkin. Also, the college multipurpose go-to sock, and any sock not being used for its proper purpose, goes on the list. Send your ridiculous hate to info@thehatenapkin.com

Arik is all out of hate. Arik plans to lean on Carol and Paulie, who provide real estate management companies and house flippers.

Carol starts with a hate letter to a doctor's office that doesn't respect their patients' time. The clinic tries to charge the patient for one missed visit. Paybacks are an itch in this punny episode of The Hate Napkin.

Arik thinks people should incorporate themselves, and Carol considers incorporating her vagina since the government doesn't know how to regulate businesses. Paulie tells a similar story of how to handle an unwarranted bill. Folks, if you are in court, don't accidentally discuss your court strategy next to the plaintiff.

Arik studied archeology and is tired of people referring to dinosaur stories. Arik dug hard for that one, but it will land in a few hundred years when they find a USB of this podcast under some bones near an abandoned truck stop in the year 2057.

Carol goes off on trendy house flippers. They put lipstick on a pig and then call a contractor back about work the previous seller wouldn't let them do in the first place.

Arik wraps it all up with people who identify themselves with one niche thing, "Hey, my name is Bill, and I have six toes. Did you know the incidence of polydactyly is 2.3 per 1000 in white males, 13.5 per 1000 in black males, and 0.6 per 1000 in white females and 11.1 per 1000 in black females?"

"That's great, Bill. Now, why do you want to replace Carla's position at the Burt Korn Dairy Queen?"

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Carol speaking and fielding questions from the THN crew was so much fun. Arik broke out the hot sauce and let us give it to him. Arik shared the birth of The Hate Napkin, his first girlfriend experience, and his propensity to steal from the self-checkout. He told us how he gets wood, and no one seems to want to look at it or scan it. He never stole as a child and the hot sauce defense is a new one that we may see again in a future presidential administration.

Arik also shared the time he lost an arm wrestling match or "let the man win" and claims it was because he was going to shit himself. As a young student, he admitted to cheating once on his self-graded homework, but his teachers didn't believe him. Carol did her older brother's homework and, of course, was the one who got in trouble. It appears cheating has become more formalized in education, and there is no need to learn civics when cheating is ingrained.

Arik then shared his experience as a sexton, being the caretaker of the church, and what an awkward walk of shame it was. He welcomes everyone into his holy places with open arms as long as the lights are on.

Golden Corral and chain buffets could have their own special, but Paulie doesn't know when to let Arik end the show. Riots at Golden Corral show that people in America are way too on edge. Relax, folks, and get your angst out with things you hate at info@thehatenapkin.com.

Carol from Kansas City shares some priceless family stories, including her superhero origin story. It involves her mom sitting on a convertible in a poodle shirt and saddle shoes, smoking a cigarette, and her dearly departed Aunt Gene immediately becoming the favorite daughter-in-law.

Paulie goes first and talks about his dislike for inexperienced workers in charge of gatekeeping and hiring in Human Resources. He questions how someone with no life experience or work experience can determine whether or not you get to meet the hiring manager.

Carol agrees that those who are unqualified for work often end up in HR. Arik has an American African friend and needed to let everyone know. Also, he can be a white savior to help her get past the completely racist state of South Carolina. And, he is probably right. It is one fucked up state. Paulie adds that teaching experience seems to be seen as a liability in any HR department worldwide.

Carol then wonders why some customers don't understand why contractors can't work in the rain. She explains that if the roof comes off, you'll get wet. This leads Arik to discuss property management companies and their lack of knowledge in differentiating between squirrel holes, raccoon holes, and glory holes. He mentions a certain inspector named Billy Bob who may be related to either the animals or the property management company. Ultimately, no one should give a rats ass about the topics discussed on The Hate Napkin podcast.

Carol from Kansas City is renovating her home to make life easier for the THN home office, but the sliding glass door won't stop the host from jumping in.

Paulie rants about expiration dates, from cigarettes to condoms, and the entire THN crew has something personal to add. Arik's OCD mom doesn't know that Arik has been using sharpies to change expiration dates on everything from ranch dressing to black olives, or else his mom will throw the food out.

Medical cabinets are sacred, but it doesn't stop all of us from looking in them. Carol's mom had Alzheimer's, so the expired blue cheese dressing may contain nails.

Arik beats around the bush about an incident at the gym involving a sword fight. He tries to be more inclusive in his hate and suggests that no one engage in public sex. In the spirit of equality, Paulie invites the entire BLT community to use mixed gym locker.

We are back from a little break, and Paulie forgot to put the show in gallery view, so a lack of visual cues brings Arik and Paul's interruptions to the top of their game.

Carla starts us off with an incredible letter about a neighbor who had a problem with their yellow house. In this neighbor's absence, the house was painted gray while they were away, and now they will all end up in court. It is a whole lot of crazy.

Christmas is coming, but if you have a weird neighbor, the lights have been up since July. Carla has nothing but good neighbors, but her boss is always raiding her fridge. Arik has a rant against all national anthems and wonders why we start every sporting event with a terrible song. What does the whole country have to do with a 7th-grade wrestling match? Why don't we also start festivals or every concert with such nonsense?

The Toronto Gay Men's Choir gets us all into the penalty box. Culture wars should have already been on the napkin, and this is why we don't do religion or politics. Carla almost put Arik and Paul on the napkin, but 'tis the season to end it nice with a red Corvette for the boss.

This episode focuses on Carla from Burt Korn, who reveals that she is not who she appears to be. While it was intended to be an episode about Carla being Carol, Arik and Paul mistakenly think they are on an 80s episode of the Stern Show.

Carol handles the situation gracefully, mentioning her past success on a podcast. She comes clean and shares her favorite curse words, color, and preferred drug from her younger days. Somehow, this segues into a discussion about tampons or pads, and Carol demonstrates the power of silence.

We also learn more about our co-host, Arik, who carries Andy's Mint wrappers in case of an unexpected shart. Carla has wisdom to share, she has been in a committed relationship with the same farmer for 24 years, as they have separate homes and lives.

Amidst the attention-seeking antics of two middle-aged men, Carla finally gets a chance to speak. There isn't much to hate this episode, other than individuals who are loud and wrong, and maybe cabinet door corners and sandals with socks.

In this episode of complete nonsense, five people will listen to The Hate Napkin as it explores turning the clocks back by sexualizing female backs or demanding that your wife not make food.

Either way, this middle-aged whining is brought to you by Come And Go. And what would be a middle-aged podcast without talking about Irish time and mentioning drinking?

Our middle-aged white men jump in with comments that, if we had any listeners, would get this podcast canceled. Bali from Paulie discusses ballpoint pens and YouTubers exploiting locals in poor countries.

Arik goes off on people on nature paths who are on their phones and has similar issues on escalators. Today's episode feels more like a collection of pet peeves than hatred.

Carla gets irritated about Arik being wrong and Paulie mansplains it. Arik promises that she can talk in the next episode, and spoiler alert, Carla gets to speak in episode 81.

This one almost didn't make the cut folks. It starts on a high horse. War Movies, Sniper Movies and Bad Trash Collectors make The Hate Napkin. Carla from Burt Korn has a good neighbor who brings her garbage to the city government who refused her refuse in the first place.

Fortune Cookies are delightful, and for some reason it is a bit on a show that is supposed to be a show about hate.

The sound guy dumps on the first ever planned bit, and Carla calls what it is, a Hangry moment.

Arik is happy Paulie is at the kids table and Arik makes an unfounded claim that no one wears black caps. He's being a real pair of Hanes, but at least this one is short.

We are off to a punny start. You can't make an omelet with out cracking a few Elon jokes. Arik wants to be impaled in the mountains and this brings us to Mouse Viagra.

Fortunately, his daughter saves us from kickstand puns, and not everything is a metaphor for sex says he who ends every episode in the annals.

Vegetation can get snagged when erect and we are still one foot into last episode.

Arik wants to go with the flow until his daughter takes over.

The meat-eaters hate vegans, and then they go into men's lack of maturity.

Daddy is embarrassing his daughter with fitness weight loss pics, but it sounds like she may be a little proud of him. However, enough with the crack around the house.

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off the show with a sign language howdy-doody Avignon feathered-finger salute. And they’re off!

Co-host Arik is lost at sea seething. He’s annoyed by the tamper-proof liners on food containers. For some reason, he thinks they need to remain on the product as some sort of freshener/crisper. He jumps for joy when he realizes he’s been wrong all these years: “They can just be tossed? No more nasty foil prophylactic on my food? I can’t wait to start rough riding the fridge!”

THN PSA: Carla swoops in with a reminder that it is also perfectly legal to remove the tags from your mattresses.

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali pushes forward to the front of the lambast line: “I hate 5 wipers.”

Um, we’re just going to let that one drop.

Except, this is The Hate Napkin. We never let anything go. Before you know it, we’re chatting about elephants going potty on National Geo documentaries. Then, the age-old debate: Baby Wipes or Bidets?

What’s not to love—I mean, hate?

Carla’s war with Burnt Korn Waste Management continues. This week, the garbagemen refused to collect her trash—whereupon, a large wind blew her trash into the street. Whereupon, Burnt Korn’s finest arrived to her residence to interrogate her about said trash in the street. Whereupon, Carla was required to produce video evidence of the garbage truck skipping her house. Whereupon, the street was temporarily closed by said police, and the garbage folks were required to walk about, picking up the mess. Whereupon, justice!

Finally, Arik is tired of gym attire. “Listen, I don’t want to see your nipples and side boobs in the corner of my eye while I’m bench-pressing. I mean, if you’re a man.”

p.s. Moose Knuckles.

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EPISODE 65 SYNOPSIS 

BALACLAVAS, BABY WIPES AND 500 MEXICAN DOLLARS 

Team THN welcomes a new advertiser to the show: Men’ Vodka! “When the bathtub dries up, there’s always Men’!” 

What can we say? In life, things can always get worse. And this episode is definitely worse. 

Well, it sure ain’t the fault of our super special guest. Team THN is joined once again by none other than America’s Liberal Voice, Robyn Kincaid, from The H.O.R.N. (Head-On Radio Network)! 

Catch Robyn as the host of The H.O.R.N. over at: www.headon.live/ 

Technically, there is a co-host for this show. His name is Arik. As he inches ever nearer to certain death, or rehab, a nasty frog settles into his throat. He pushes through the pain and reads “Mr. Stanky,” an excerpt from his latest book, “Uber Nights” (available on Amazon). 

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali accompanies—if you can call it that—on guitar. 

Our other special guest, Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, saves the day with some express hatred of public bathrooms in Mexico. What can one do actually with one single square of toilet paper that one has to pay for the privilege to have and use? 

Also, Carla shares her story of being pulled over and bribed by Mexican federales. When a cop in a balaclava demands $500, you might just be able to buy him off with a suitcase of baby wipes.  

Finally, Arik throws his life onto the Hate Napkin. We can’t agree more. 

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EPISODE 63 SYNOPSIS

YOU ONLY LIKE ME FOR MY ALMONDS

Co-host Arik asks Team THN, “What exactly does it mean when a dude gets his manhood cut off?”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali: “When a woman gets a job instead of a man, or when a woman gets paid the same as a man.”

“Hmm,” says special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, who reaches for a machete and proceeds to cut off Pauly’s manhood.

The news is hard to swallow, but Pauly cannot stand almond milk. Almonds aren’t mammals. Almonds don’t have teats. And, most importantly, you cannot motorboat an almond. (Also, the creation of almond milk is bad for the environment. And we feel especially bad for the migrant workers who have to squeeze the damn tiny things all day long.)

Meanwhile, Arik despises dumb-themed T-shirts. A cartoon avocado defecating guacamole is not silk screen worthy. A Slim Jim T-shirt, on the other hand, is cool. “Truth is, we need a Judge Dredd for dumb T-shirts. Anyone wearing a ‘World’s Best Dad’ shirt should just be cut down right in front of his children.”

Next, the hate ball bounces from the games women play when you’re courting them to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. (DIAL 988 in a dumb T-shirt crisis, folks!)

Finally, Pauly is sick and tired of hearing everywhere you turn: DOWNLOAD OUR APP! Recently lost your manhood? DOWNLOAD OUR APP! Wanna buy a stupid T-shirt? DOWNLOAD OUR APP? About to kill yourself? DOWNLOAD OUR APP!

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CLOCK SUCKERS FROM THE WAIST DOWN

And the THN Tony Award goes to Colin from Los Angeles, with an epic Hate Letter! Everyone hates Clock Suckers—you know, those mid-level managers who walk around the office with a clipboard, pretending to be busy while everyone else grinds it out for a living. 

Colin’s tale of Clock Sucker revenge is one for the Podcast Hall of Fame!

Next, the show takes an adult entertainment turn, as special guest, and resident finger gesticulation expert, Jordyn, shows off her toys that make noise. Wait, what’s that? Oh! Children’s sound-making toys? Um, totally different. True, there’s nothing worse than being jarred awake at 2 a.m. by a blue toy Mustang programmed to play “Bat Out of Hell.”Now, back to the “other” toys that make noise. 

Try as we may, we find it hard to hate battery-powered dildos programmed to moan at the push of a button. Actually, this could be a great educational tool for men—they need sound effects and directions. As special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, puts it: “If I put fucking road signs down there, men couldn’t read them.”

Co-host Arik considers other possible road signs: “CAUTION. CERVIX AHEAD. DEAD END.”

Carla again: “Nah. How about a button women can push where men care about something other than themselves!”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali: “I have a feeling that button is very close to that other little button men have a hard time finding.

”Next, can’t we just let troubled celebrities die in peace? 

A “moving” tribute to Anne Heche. Ellen is now with Portia, but Anne died in a Mini Cooper. Sigh. 

THN QOTD: “My whole life has been a cleanup on Aisle 5.”

------

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Most folks buy a house on a pond, kick back on the porch, and throw back a hard lemonade or two. But for co-host Arik, the high life only seems to serve as a launchpad for a midlife crisis of epic proportions. He can’t wait to take on bully birds, Big Telecom, plus the Dude Behind the Curtain. No, not George Soros. 

We mean The Big Kahuna with lightning bolts who sits idly by as all Creation, from humanity to ducks, unleashes untold cruelty upon one another. It’s enough to send the rest of Team THN scrambling for emergency Dilly Bars. As sound engineer Pauly from Bali puts it: “Has anyone seen my roll of duct tape?” T-Mobile is the first Goliath to fall. Who could stand to work in a place more than five minutes that’s lit up bright pink like a porn star vajayjay?

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, has mixed feelings: “I don’t know, place should be brown-lit, considering how many turd employees I’ve had to deal with in there over time.” Meanwhile, Pauly can’t stand employers who demonstrate a lack of trust even before they hire you. By the way, what’s wrong with asking a prospective employee for references? 

Excuse me, can I get a letter of recommendation from Bob in Accounting with some details about your sick leave policy? Plus, Carla can’t stand it when people email or text with a demand for an immediate answer, then ignore you when you do. (Kind of reminds Arik of a starving village praying for a drought to end. “Are you there, God? It’s me, Africa!”) 

THN PSA: “The Universe is going to fail you constantly. The vast majority of people are also going to fail you constantly. So if you happen to have a lifeline in this tenuous existence: DO. NOT. TAKE. IT. FOR. GRANTED.”

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Merry Xmas! For once, special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, gets lit. Who can blame her, as co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali croon their favorite holiday tunes—then bang on music “legends” for unoriginal Christmas music. Grab a cup of nog and lotion up! Team THN celebrates the season as only they can.

puff-puff-puff. Welcome to another execrable episode—puff-puff-puff—of Masterpiece Hate. puff-puff-puff.

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the THN Haterbator Mailbag and produces a letter that gives all pause: O, how one longs for the days of Cold War duck & cover drills, where a student could escape reading aloud “Dick & Jane” to the whole class by hiding under a desk and pretending this would serve as protection from a Soviet nuclear punking. Instead, students today constantly partake in active shooter drills in the much more likely event that some dropout with an assault rifle will show up to scatter their brains across the chalkboard.

Co-host Arik is strapped (not with a gun!) for a comedic response. That said: “If you really want to get rid of school shootings, there’s only one solution: get rid of the kids. Not with a machine gun! Just stop sending them to school. Period. No more students, no more school shootings. I mean, who’s going to waste any bullets on a couple of janitors and a frumpy PE teacher?”

Arik is sick and tired of going into retail establishments and being asked at the end of a transaction if he’d like to make a donation. Sound engineer Pauly from Bali suggests that an easy way to end this practice is to tell the minimum wage cashier that you’ll match their personal donation. Better yet! Ask for the manager, and while the line piles up behind you, inform the manager you’ll be pleased as punch to match the entire management team’s collective donation.

Carla can’t stand sleep deprivation. Arik and Carla get into a tug-of-war over what’s worse: suffering with cataplexy, a rare form of insomnia that includes waking nightmares, or having to take care of a goblin Basset Hound puppy whose nose turns on every night at 1 a.m.

Meanwhile, Pauly interjects his hatred of pity parties.

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puff-puff-puff.

“Butter Churning Butt Fungus & Mad Ham Flingers, LLC”

This episode is sponsored by THN Creamy Butter! THN Creamy Butter: “Churning out hate since 2022!”

No, seriously. Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, brings in her old timey wooden butter chur—Ahem! Carla! Oh, Lord. Can you please stop churning between your legs? See, on the camera, it looks like—folks, DO NOT let the little ones watch this episode on YouTube.

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali presents two items of hate from Vietnam. He’s sick of all the motor bikers using cell phones while scooting about Ho Chi Minh City. But he’s equally appalled at all the idiots driving Porsches and Lamborghinis in a city jampacked with motor bikers: “They can’t ever go more than 20 miles per hour! And they’re constantly being banged up by moron bikers on their phones!”

Co-host Arik is sick and tired of that damned toe fungus ad that springs up on every website in the world. “Enough! That toe is like some sort of supervillain appendage with a hatching alien growth that’s about to destroy the world.”

Pauly explains to Arik the marvels of algorithms and corporate web spying. Looks like someone in the Bjorn household has—“But I don’t have toe fungus!!”

Carla: “That’s precisely what someone with toe fungus would say.”

NEOLOGISM ALERT! CONTACT WEBSTER’S! CARLA COINS A TERM: “BUTT FUNGUS”!

Arik is also in a volcanic huff about Ticketmaster, Amazon and all the other giant, web-based retail companies that send customers through AI text labyrinths and FAQ swamps to seek solutions to problems THAT REQUIRE HUMAN ASSISTANCE. “I’ll just have my computer connect with your computer, and they can resolve this issue in Webinar Wonderland.”

Also, the limp eggplant horrors of plastic straws. And, for that matter, curved eggplants!

That’s a wrap. Join us next week for another episode of “As the World Churns”!

Cock-a-doodle-doo! Roll out of bed, you sleepy head! The early hater gets the worm! Co-host Arik literally woke up seconds before the show started recording, so please forgive him for not wearing any pants. (Warning: do not watch this episode on YouTube.)

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, cannot stand Road Ragers. Why the hell would anyone cut her off, then brake-check her for several miles, throwing the bird at her all the while, when she’s behind the wheel of her boss’ F-450 Platinum?! Thankfully she doesn’t have “roid rage,” so said arse-bucket behind the wheel will survive to drive aggressively another day.

THN PSA: To all speeding jerk-weeds in Chargers, please note that the driver you swerved around and dusted 30 seconds ago just pulled up to you at the next red light. Figure it out, and chill the F out.

Arik expresses hate couture for all of the teenagers these days sporting T-shirts of bands and musicians who they don’t know a damned thing about. KISS, Cat Stevens, Prince, Gin Blossoms, Whitney Houston. “If you’re wearing a Lynyrd Skynyrd T-shirt, and I yell ‘FREE BIRD!!’, and you start looking around in the sky—you deserve to have that shirt ripped off you where you stand.”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali is tired of negative online reviews of large chain restaurants. Don’t get your panties tied in a wad over only receiving two ketchup packets. You knew what McDonald’s was before you walked in the door! Also, for what it’s worth, that’s two more packets than you would have received at any Michelin star restaurant. (Also, maybe burn a calorie or two. Get off your lard ass and ask for another packet of ketchup—and maybe a life!—at the counter.)

That’s all for now, folks! Arik has to put on his Green Day Dookie T-shirt and take his morning “constitutional.”

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, recent recipient of the First Annual Hatey Awards, kicks off the show: “Again, I’m truly honored. Now let’s just get out there and love people with a big ol’ heaping helping of hate.”

Co-host Arik agrees: “Except for Lotto Man. I f@cking despise Lotto Man.”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali serves up smartphone hate on a plate, and it bytes! What the hell is with all this bloatware! A person has to become a full-blown computer programmer to remove all the unwanted, pre-installed apps that take up endless space on one’s phone—not to mention supposed “anti-spy” programs that actually track key movements.

Arik throws up his arms. “Listen, if Big Brother wants to know whether I like to eat ass, or if I don’t like hirsute women, what the hell do I care?”

Carla takes notes so she can sell Arik’s info to Google. “So, salad tossing, good. Hairy pits, bad.”

Next, Carla unearths a vein of pure, golden hate: lazy teenagers who lie. It would appear that Cletus is in the doghouse this week—which is convenient, given Gus the Wonder Hound’s recent departure for the canine afterlife. Once upon a time, children were scared to death to lie to their parents. Now, serial lying is a foundation for a future career as a CEO or politician. (Jeez, remove heavy beatings from the home, and look what happens.)

Pauly presents some cultural hate du jour: toilets that are installed too close to walls. “Everywhere I go in Asia, the toilet is right up against the wall! You can’t spread your legs wide enough to relax and let number two do its thing!” Arik foresees that without relaxing sphincters, the world may soon face a Hemorrhoid Pandemic! Carla concurs: for the sake of hygiene, no more ass wedging!

Thus begin The Great Toilet Tales of 2022, from Arik’s basement children’s toilet (the revenge of a contractor who was mad to be given one-ply TP during a major project), to Carla’s mysterious toilet-in-the-middle-of-the-room-with-no-walls basement.

Folks, we often promise the anals of hate. This time, we deliver.

FLUSH!

Achtung, Husky Ladies of Austria! Pay heed, to our Anonymous Superfans in Titusville, Florida, and Topeka, Kansas! It’s a special day of loathing and detestation ! Flips of the bird all around!

Join us as we celebrate Episode 50 of The Hate Napkin with our special awards ceremony: The First Annual Hateys!

Today, one member of the beloved—I mean, despised—THN Gang will walk away with a coveted Bronze Fleur-de-Lis Napkin Holder!

Each member of the show nominates two of their favorite items on The Hate Napkin from the first 49 episodes. Then the THN Gang votes—or muddle wrestles, whatever it takes—to decide The Ultimate Hate Champion.

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off the nominations with co-host Arik’s WWW Rant from Episode 7: “Although you declared your hatred for the WWW part of URLs, throughout that episode and ever since, you haven’t been able to stop saying WWW. So I officially nominate the Orld Ide Eb.”

Carla also nominates Pauly from Bali for The Dreaded Webinar from Episode 8. Folks, this nomination clearly leads the pack early on. There are few things the THN Gang has abhorred over time more than Webinars—except perhaps Cancer Babies. “Webinars are hell—the absolute worst that humanity has to offer.”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali presents the phrase “At the End of the Day” for nomination. This was part of Carla’s “Filler Word” Rant back in Episode 13. But wait, there’s more! Pauly also brings forward Weak Handshakes, another Carla gem, from Episode 33.

In a Will-Smith-crack-to-the-face moment of tension, Pauly openly declares his refusal to nominate Arik for a Hatey. Pauly’s mad that Arik has saddled him with the title of Sound Engineer: “We have the worst sound of any podcast in the world. Why do you keep telling people that’s my responsibility?!”

Arik just can’t pass on Carla’s Disquisition of the Tube Top in Episode 14. Carla accepts his nomination with abject humility: “The thing is, tube tops have a time and a place. But men wearing tube tops in Walmart is never the time nor ever the place.”

For Arik’s second nomination, he really wanted to honor Pauly’s annoying “Tokay! Tokay!” call from Episode 21: “It was one of the most gut-bubbling funny things of all time. I actually peed myself on air a little.” Then there was Eric Clapton’s dead baby. At the end of the day, he puts forward Pauly’s Raw Vegan Rant from Episode 36.

The THN Gang then contemplates just what might be in the shopping cart of a Walmart Tube Topper. Moon Pies? K-Y Jelly? Glitter hair gel? SUDAFED®? The product possibilities are endless!

Drum roll, please! Ladies and Gentlemen, Muffin Tubers of all genders! The First Annual Hatey Award goes to…!

My name is Bob. You rarely hear from me directly. I’m the senior editor at THN Media. One of my responsibilities is to create the summaries for each episode. Most of the time, it’s really fun. Hell, no one even cares if I just make up stuff.

But I really don’t know what to do about Episode 49. At this week’s staff meeting, I suggested that we shove it in a missile casing and launch it toward North Korea. Everyone told me to get back to work.

Episode 49 started out fine enough. As you know, special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is also the manager of the local Dairy Queen. Co-host Arik asks her: “When you’re cleaning the DQ men’s room, instead of using urinal cakes, do you just drop a Dilly Bar in the urinal?”

Cute. Well, I thought so. Carla stared hard at Arik, then proceeded to read a lovely hate letter from Nikki Goldenheart: “Hello, my fellow dispensers of Hatorade! Let’s keep it simple. I hate vehicles that hog up all of the gas pumps on any one aisle at the gas station—especially Amish passenger vans!”

Carla follows this golden epistle by sharing her hatred of websites that refuse a user access until they sign up for the site. Pauly practically has a hategasm over this.

That’s when things go sideways. Pauly hates idiots—then throws himself on The Hate Napkin. (Clearly, he’s just positioning himself for an upcoming Hatey.)

Then Arik goes off the rails. He starts with a nostalgic sidebar about Kurt Vonnegut and the heyday of the short story. Then something about lot lizards and cheese curds at the local Kum & Go. Something something The Pooper. Then a story about the time when columnist Dan Savage visited the Columbia City Paper staff. Arik finally concludes with an aborted THN PSA about getting bodily fluids and excrement on the sheets during lovemaking.

Arik concludes: “There really isn’t any shame—it’s all just part of the human experience. We’re stuck on this tiny rock in the middle of a galaxy surrounded by billions of other galaxies with billions of stars.”

Um, not quite true. Actually, there is quite a bit of shame. And it’s called Episode 49.

Hello, everybody! Hey, Steve! Pass me a Budweiser! Let’s spread some seventh inning stretch hate!

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali takes the hate baton and starts running. And he better run fast, because in his declaration of despising fat people wearing T-shirts, co-host Arik and special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, show off their XXXL couture and threaten to sit on him until he’s a hapless little f$ckcake.

THN PSA: READ BANNED BOOKS!

Next, co-host Arik hates having to give an enema to a loved one—not that he has ever had to, er, ASSuage a loved one’s pain. The THN Team plies him for more details, but Arik won’t budge. No, seriously, he can’t. He’s a fat man in a T-shirt. (We conclude this segment with an interview with Saudi Prince Inima Damama.)

Arik also can’t stand dick pics. It’s perfectly understandable that a random stranger doesn’t want an electronic eggplant sent to him or her sans invitation. But it’s just as problematic taking a photo of one’s own schlong and sending it across the ether to another human being, by request.

Arik: “I mean, ultimately, someone else might be able to tell it’s my genitalia.”

Pauly: “Dude, you’re not supposed to include your face in the photo!”

Arik: “Oh.”

WARNING TO YOUTUBE VIEWERS: Sigh. Arik proceeds to show a dick pic.

Carla saves the day with some basic everyday hate. She cannot stand retail labels that are impossibly stuck to products—especially when the label impairs the use of said product! For instance, if you’re a company that produces watering cans for plants and gardens, perhaps DO NOT place your large sticker over the GD spout!

Finally, why does every eligible bachelorette in this country have a New Age side gig? Why do you have to go outside in the middle of our date night movie and place water bottles within view of the full moon? And, no, I do not want to hear about my aura! But…would you like a dick pic?

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali unleashes hate upon irresponsible dog owners. When two dogs are sniffing at each other apprehensively, the last thing they need is their owners to start screaming bloody murder and waving their hands like Kermit the Frog. In Dogese, this translates to: “KILL THE BASTARD!”

Co-host Arik, who was once bit in the nuts by a 170-pound Anatolian shepherd, agrees: “HEY FIDO! INSTEAD, TEAR OUT THE THROAT OF YOUR DUMB OWNER!”

Arik surmises that The Hate Napkin’s success (wait, it’s successful?) is due to the fact that (1) Arik loves cats and hates dogs, (2) Pauly from Bali loves dogs and hates cats, and (3) Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, loves Arik and Pauly.

Speaking of felines and canines, Carla has an announcement: Gus the photobombing hound had to be put down due to cancer. Yet Gus’ ashes remain in the video background in perpetuity for all to see. (How long will it be before Carla puts Arik and Pauly down? Stay tuned!)

Next. While the Arbor Day Foundation remains just about the only charity Arik will make donations to these days, he can’t entirely leave the ADF folks off the hook. “Every four days, I receive this HUGE packet of paper from the Arbor Day Foundation. So basically you took all my money, cut down a bunch of trees, then sent me the remains asking to help grow new ones. This is kind of like St. Jude asking you for funds on the skin of dead cancer babies.”

The bile in Arik has been building: he also can’t stand the celebrity overthrow of all forms of media, including podcasts! “Here we are, toiling away for 40-some episodes, and Andy Dick comes along and takes our penultimate spot at the bottom of the podcast ratings!”

Carla: “40 episodes of nothing. The Hate Napkin: the Seinfeld of podcasts.”

Finally, we conclude with Arik’s bleeding anus and Pauly’s bloody party trick—plus Pauly pees himself, and Arik shovels his own poo!

We begin the episode with an anonymous hate scrawl submitted to the THN Anal Mailbag: Any time you get a 1 a.m. work call that begins, “B*tch, you out your mo-fo mind?!” – the only proper response is, “Can I buy a vowel?”

Almost immediately, the show descends into a debate on male castration and women in the workforce. Compromise: either we get rid of all the balls of half of the men, or one ball of all the men. No matter what: all women get to go home and sip daquiris. Folks: we call this Progress.

THN PSA from sound engineer Pauly from Bali: “Unless you’re two gay men yapping at each other, it’s not acceptable to address someone as ‘b*tch.’”

What about Clifford the Gay Pit Bull with one ball? Hmm.

Co-host Arik hates humorless people. The world is a bag of shit. Laugh at it. Including, according to Pauly from Bali, the mop of orgiastic mophead pubes on the top of Arik’s head. Arik: “Yeah, some days I feel like I just covered my pate in Elmer’s glue and dipped it in the toilet.” Well, at least he’s consistent.

THN PSA II: Any time you feel insecure about your body, just remember, if you cut off any particular body part and put it on a paper plate, it would look silly. Doesn’t matter: noses, lips, anus, little toe, zozo.

Pauly from Bali: “Heck, the fun part is putting your toes and anus together!”

Arik: “Add a little peanut butter, and you have yourself a party!”

Next, a conversation about the hate we give to public figures. Once you sign on the dotted line to be famous and get your hair done by someone else on a daily basis, you’re open game. You’re no longer one of us. So get ready to get b*itch-slapped at the Oscars or Golden Globes. And like it.

In closing: Carla does not powder her bush. Does that make her a Brazilian?

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the anals of the THN Mailbag for a couple of classic hate epistles: Jeff from Dampfstain, Ohio, wonders if it’s okay to burn down the house of the man who’s been driving around the neighborhood with a giant Russian flag attached to his vehicle.

Carla’s advice: Jeff, arson bad. But…if a flaming bag of dog kaka-poo ended up mysteriously being spread all over this Putin-lover’s porch, well, them’s the breaks.

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali sounds off on the disrespect shown to teachers: “When I tell people I teach ESL, they look at me like I’ve opened up a meth lab. Parents, students, administration—they’re all awful. So my advice to any teacher is: Quit. There’s just no reason to do something when you’re not appreciated.”

Meanwhile, co-host Arik can’t stand Wordle. Hey, New York Times! “Felch” is a five-letter word! Show it some love! Pauly: “Are you saying playing Wordle is like poking a straw at the alphabet. Sticking a straw in there and just sucking out all the juicy letters. What’s not to like?”

Speaking of sucking, Carla can’t stand bosses who say they like self-starters, then question every self-start the F out of you. Bosses: stop micromanaging!

Also, disdain from Arik for QVC and HSN. Every time his elderly mother orders something off the boob tube, it shows up broken or the wrong size—or just plain “NO.” Thus, The Great Return begins. Find a box the size of a glacier to return the three Bumblebee-Pattern Whisky Barrels that do NOT look nice in the garden. Search the internet for three days for a return slip. Go stand in line at the post office for a century. Wait a millennia or two for your credit card to get reimbursed. By then, 18 more things have arrived to be returned.

THN PSA: Do not put duct tape on your package. I mean, unless you’re into kinky.

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off with a hate bargain. For a mere $1,500—or the price she paid in Mexico to have all her teeth extracted and replaced—you too can pay to have your dog’s infected tooth removed. Seriously, folks, next time your precious pooch has a toothache, scale The Wall with a couple of pesos and a burrito in your pocket and go visit Dr. Vasquez in Matamoros, Mexico.

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali next chimes in with a Hall of Hate, despicable phrase. There is nothing worse than when you’re debating a moron (who is standing up for a fascist, narcissist world leader), and they justify their position by telling you, “Just Google it.” Well, yes, there is something worse: when said idiot leading the rhetorical charge is a Frenchman.

Don’t do it! Don’t do it! Co-host Arik names the Orange Dung Gibbon and is instantly exiled to the THN Penalty Box. No, that really happened. “Just Snopes it.”

Arik escapes the penalty box and rants about The Flat Earth Society. No, really, the Earth is a dirt pancake. It is! “You need to educate yourself.”

Next up: predictive text! Why is my…POOP GREEN? POOP BLACK? POOP RED? POOP SMELLING LIKE A FRENCHMAN?

Why is my…SPACEBAR NOT WORKING? Um, think about that one.

Why is my…CAT SHREDDING ALL MY TOILET PAPER?

The Great Debate! Toilet Paper: Over the Top? Under the Top? Arik is an over-the-top kind of guy, but Carla makes a good point: she’s under the top, so the cat won’t shred all the toilet paper. “Just ask anyone.”

And, finally, bringing up the rear: Why is my…DISCHARGE BROWN? Probably for the same reason: Why is my…THUMB NUMB? “Just ask Excite.”

Please type “YES” if you want to listen to this episode. And “NO” if you want to rot everlastingly in the pit of hate hell. Please do not reply to this paragraph—no one is really listening.

To begin, co-host Arik smashes a plate of spaghetti hate against the wall: NO MORE MEDICAL APPOINTMENT TEXT & EMAIL REMINDERS! Especially at 7 a.m. a full week before said appointment is set to occur!

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali shows he cares: “So, Arik, how did the anger management appointment go?”

Pauly then wastes several minutes calculating the cost of penile enlargement procedures in the U.S. healthcare system. Finally, Arik interjects with his hatred of “please see cashier for receipt” messages at gas stations. The purpose of paying at the pump is so you don’t get stuck behind Lotto Man for 20 minutes!

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, blesses all with an interpretive dance of Arik at the pump, doing his irate where’s-my-receipt dance in Florida: “GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! Ma’am, can I please have the bathroom key?”

Meanwhile, incoming text: “Kindly tap your foot three times in the bathroom stall, Senator Graham will be right with you.”

Group Question Time! Who’s your most hated Dick Tater of all time?

Carla is tired of Hitler glorification. She goes with Vladimir Putin. Now here’s an up-and-coming historical asshat without redeeming comic value. Pauly however questions Putin’s long-term success; whereas, Hitler has a proven track record. Also, it’s almost the Fuhrer’s birthday. Just don’t tell him to blow out his candles!

Arik wonders why Stalin and Mao always get short shrift? They murdered millions more than Hitler and never get credit for their hard work. That said, he opts for the Duvalier’s of Haiti. I mean, there are very few successful father-son dictatorships out there. Papa and Baby Doc for the win!

Hello. I am Kevin. You THN customer support rep. I am please to happy help you with all hate needs you have. No, I am not in Mumbai. I live in suburb fortress town known as Burnt Korn, Alabama. I am neighbor with show special guest Carla, who is local Queen Dairy. Cows worship her glands of fulness.

You like creamy butter? Let offer me you full-year supply THN Creamy Butter with your listen of Hate Napkin podcast. And now I reach into anal bag of hate mail now we will! Oh, sorry, I can no help with printer problem you have. Let me transfer you to colleague Julia.

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Hi, cohost Arik, who is also driver for Uber! Julia this is! Oh no. You say Uber is worst corporate armpit on planet? What seems to be issue? You say faceless tech companies who sell out, and put dollar-making over actual service? I am displeased to learn there are support service representatives who raise chickens in background of phone calls for one dollar per day. Please let me place you on hold while I find my script, which was eaten just now by screaming diaper baby.

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Lord Almighty, we can all agree there isn’t enough hate in the world for foreign-based customer support call centers. Carla assures us there’s also room for hating naked men who drive SUVs onto front lawns—especially hers. Guess they’re serving Bath Salt Blizzards and Embalming Fluid Parfaits at the local Dairy Queen.

Meanwhile, Pauly from Bali is sick and tired of rating systems. “We don’t need a star system for educators! Teachers are supposed to be handing out gold stars, not pupils. Students don’t know anything! That’s why they’re being TAUGHT.”

Speaking of which, co-host Garrett gets zero stars for ditching the show.

P.S. GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! RAINBOW. UNICORN.

Once in a while, we reach into the THN mailbag and discover a letter of such exquisite abhorrence that we set our delicate egos aside and grant a listener center stage as Epistolary First Chair of Hate. Such is the case with poor Steven of Urbandale, Illinois, who at the local grocery store recently battled Handicapped Hilda plus an army of social workers and police officers for the honor of his self-soiled elderly mother. (Shh. Don’t tell anyone that Steven keeps his ma locked in the back 40 shed and only feeds her Meow Mix.)

Co-host Arik follows this G.O.A.T. Hate Letter—only to be upstaged by sound engineer Pauly from Bali’s carafe o’ beer. Arik wades through the suds, then tells a St. Patrick’s Day rideshare horror tale of drunken zombie college students, who, just the night prior, attacked his poor Kia and left him for dead, whilst Officer Doolittle and his assistant Brenda whistled Dixie and gave each other pedis.

THN PSA: Please don’t mob-kill your Uber driver, even if he’s not wearing green.

Also, thanks for nothing, St. Patrick. You just had to return to the island of your tormenters to show them Jesus. Just so you know, so many centuries later, all it resulted in was an SUV mirror getting whacked by a four-sheets-to-the-wind freshman, and the near drawing and quartering of a perfectly innocent cabbie. So, Paddy, thank you for bringing the world one step closer to “The Purge.”

Pauly from Bali next directs our attention toward proper disgust: with the world on the verge of a major extinction moment, why the holy bleep are restaurants and cafes providing takeaway materials to in-house guests?! Also, we don’t need 8 million plastic straws for our beverages! Are you trying to make the Pacific Garbage Patch bigger than the Great Red Spot on Jupiter?!

THN PSA 2: The only time you need a bloody straw is for a coconut. Period. End of story! (Paid for by The Dirty Sanchez Fund to Make “Felch” a Wordle.)

Co-host Garrett couldn’t make it—he’s too busy rounding up succulent wombs for male intergalactic dictatorial rule.

Thus, co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali work their magic to constrain special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, in the wake of the Supreme Court’s abortion ruling.

Guess what? It turns out that Clarence Thomas is even worse than the genital smegma of certain right-wing podcast hosts. (Gee, and to think our dear justice got his start popping pubes on Pepsis.)

See you in the DQ back alley blizzard fetal lab! whiiiirrrrr!

Send us your “supreme” hate to info@thehatenapkin.com