The New Old Testament

The New Old Testament

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By Jack Geurts
The New Old Testament is a re-imagining of the Bible as told to you by the drunk guy at the party. A drunk guy who seriously knows his scripture, and who sounds like a robot because the writer can't voice-act for shit or afford a proper narrator.
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Genesis 34-35: Gendercide
What happens when Dinah ventures into the city of Shechem? Family politics get messy, an ethnic cleansing takes place, and someone turns into an ogre.
39:32
June 22, 2018
GENESIS 32-33: Bro-Down at High Noon II – Big Trouble in Little Gilead
Latest episode of The New Old Testament
28:15
June 14, 2018
Genesis 30-31: Un-Sympathetic Magic
What happens when Jake prepares to leave for home after twenty years abroad? A deal is sealed with blood, selective breeding is discussed at length, and Little Red Riding Hood gets a rewrite.
28:02
June 8, 2018
Genesis 29-30: Brother-In-Law, Sister-In-Bed
What happens when Jake decides to marry the daughter of his mother's brother? A woman goes bald, the screaming mandrakes from Harry Potter 2 turn out to be an aphrodisiac, and, naturally, there is an incestuous sex-a-thon.
34:28
June 1, 2018
Genesis 28: Stairway to 'Heaven'
What happens when Jake leaves home to marry his cousin? A bloody wedding night, a party at God's house and a cannabis-fuelled, mind-shredding hallucination.
29:26
May 25, 2018
Genesis Special Episode: Ishmael, the Zombie Hunter
What happens when Esau tracks down his uncle, seeking revenge against the brothers who betrayed them? A stand-up comedian bombs, Van Helsing gets back in the game and Esau is reunited with his skin.
32:13
May 18, 2018
Genesis 27: Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Skinless
What happens when Isaac plans to give Esau his blessing? A paedophile is exposed, an unlikely ally is sought out and someone makes the very first skin suit.
16:19
May 17, 2018
Genesis 26: Whole Lotta Lot
What happens when famine strikes Isaac and his family? A wife gets passed off as a sister (again), God tries to talk down a suicide jumper, and a former king gets drunk and tries to kill someone.
18:48
May 17, 2018
Genesis 24-25: Virgin Territory
What happens when Abraham tries to find a wife for his son? A hungover getaway with a kidnapped bride, a zombie assault on a funeral and Quasimodo falls in love with Simba's daughter.
28:43
May 17, 2018
Genesis 22-23: Kill the Kid!
What happens when God asks Abraham to sacrifice his only son? A cave burial, a brawl in a biker bar and a zombie plague is unleashed on the Middle East.
22:52
May 16, 2018
Genesis 20-21: Fat Abe the Philistine
What happens when Abraham uses his wife as a bargaining chip...again? Devious plans are hatched, an old rival shows up to settle a score, and a certain fetus gets handsy.
24:53
May 12, 2018
Genesis 19: Burn 'Em All!
What happens when God decides to nuke Sodom and Gomorrah? Angry mobs, incest and, of course, giant eagles.
24:30
May 12, 2018
Genesis 14-18: King of the Sodomites
What happens when Lot abandons Abraham to go live in Sodom? Orgies, mass circumcisions and multiple bloodbaths.
24:00
May 11, 2018
Genesis 10-13: Abe Breaks Bad
What happens when God tells Abraham he's going to be the father of a great nation? The world's first skyscraper gets abandoned, people start speaking in tongues and Walter White turns into Heisenberg.
20:36
May 11, 2018
Genesis 6-9: God Kills Everyone (Except Noah)
What happens when horny angels come down to earth and create a race of giant angel-human hybrids? Nick Nolte imparts the secrets of life, Noah builds an ark and someone gets a little too friendly with the animals.
28:33
May 11, 2018
Genesis 5: Adam's F***ed Up Family Tree
What happens when Adam and Eve populate the world through inbreeding? Pretty much what you’d expect – bestiality, cold-blooded murder and a lot of confusingly-similar names.
15:40
May 11, 2018
Genesis 4: Bro-Down At High Noon
What happens when God chooses Abel's sacrifice over Cain's? Odds are, you're familiar with the story. Or are you? Take a look at an alternate Bible history where Cain does worse than just kill his brother, and God makes a deal with the devil.
15:12
May 11, 2018
Genesis 1-3: Snake Party
What happens when God has a few beers and decides to create the earth? At first, nothing. Everything's going pretty well. But when God decides to create people, that's when things start to unravel.
23:37
May 11, 2018
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