The New Old Testament

The New Old TestamentPodcast details button

By Jack Geurts
The New Old Testament is a re-imagining of the Bible as told to you by the drunk guy at the party. A drunk guy who seriously knows his scripture, and who sounds like a robot because the writer can't voice-act for shit or afford a proper narrator.
Genesis 34-35: Gendercide
What happens when Dinah ventures into the city of Shechem? Family politics get messy, an ethnic cleansing takes place, and someone turns into an ogre.
June 22, 2018
GENESIS 32-33: Bro-Down at High Noon II – Big Trouble in Little Gilead
Latest episode of The New Old Testament
June 14, 2018
Genesis 30-31: Un-Sympathetic Magic
What happens when Jake prepares to leave for home after twenty years abroad? A deal is sealed with blood, selective breeding is discussed at length, and Little Red Riding Hood gets a rewrite.
June 8, 2018
Genesis 29-30: Brother-In-Law, Sister-In-Bed
What happens when Jake decides to marry the daughter of his mother's brother? A woman goes bald, the screaming mandrakes from Harry Potter 2 turn out to be an aphrodisiac, and, naturally, there is an incestuous sex-a-thon.
June 1, 2018
Genesis 28: Stairway to 'Heaven'
What happens when Jake leaves home to marry his cousin? A bloody wedding night, a party at God's house and a cannabis-fuelled, mind-shredding hallucination.
May 25, 2018
Genesis Special Episode: Ishmael, the Zombie Hunter
What happens when Esau tracks down his uncle, seeking revenge against the brothers who betrayed them? A stand-up comedian bombs, Van Helsing gets back in the game and Esau is reunited with his skin.
May 18, 2018
Genesis 27: Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Skinless
What happens when Isaac plans to give Esau his blessing? A paedophile is exposed, an unlikely ally is sought out and someone makes the very first skin suit.
May 17, 2018
Genesis 26: Whole Lotta Lot
What happens when famine strikes Isaac and his family? A wife gets passed off as a sister (again), God tries to talk down a suicide jumper, and a former king gets drunk and tries to kill someone.
May 17, 2018
Genesis 24-25: Virgin Territory
What happens when Abraham tries to find a wife for his son? A hungover getaway with a kidnapped bride, a zombie assault on a funeral and Quasimodo falls in love with Simba's daughter.
May 17, 2018
Genesis 22-23: Kill the Kid!
What happens when God asks Abraham to sacrifice his only son? A cave burial, a brawl in a biker bar and a zombie plague is unleashed on the Middle East.
May 16, 2018
Genesis 20-21: Fat Abe the Philistine
What happens when Abraham uses his wife as a bargaining chip...again? Devious plans are hatched, an old rival shows up to settle a score, and a certain fetus gets handsy.
May 12, 2018
Genesis 19: Burn 'Em All!
What happens when God decides to nuke Sodom and Gomorrah? Angry mobs, incest and, of course, giant eagles.
May 12, 2018
Genesis 14-18: King of the Sodomites
What happens when Lot abandons Abraham to go live in Sodom? Orgies, mass circumcisions and multiple bloodbaths.
May 11, 2018
Genesis 10-13: Abe Breaks Bad
What happens when God tells Abraham he's going to be the father of a great nation? The world's first skyscraper gets abandoned, people start speaking in tongues and Walter White turns into Heisenberg.
May 11, 2018
Genesis 6-9: God Kills Everyone (Except Noah)
What happens when horny angels come down to earth and create a race of giant angel-human hybrids? Nick Nolte imparts the secrets of life, Noah builds an ark and someone gets a little too friendly with the animals.
May 11, 2018
Genesis 5: Adam's F***ed Up Family Tree
What happens when Adam and Eve populate the world through inbreeding? Pretty much what you’d expect – bestiality, cold-blooded murder and a lot of confusingly-similar names.
May 11, 2018
Genesis 4: Bro-Down At High Noon
What happens when God chooses Abel's sacrifice over Cain's? Odds are, you're familiar with the story. Or are you? Take a look at an alternate Bible history where Cain does worse than just kill his brother, and God makes a deal with the devil.
May 11, 2018
Genesis 1-3: Snake Party
What happens when God has a few beers and decides to create the earth? At first, nothing. Everything's going pretty well. But when God decides to create people, that's when things start to unravel.
May 11, 2018
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