This is Nothing Podcast

More soft dolphin humor. We're upgrading our lives and moving into a blue basement and keeping our heads out of the outhouse. 

Ever try to break the record for the most shower tears? This week the boys take a look into some of the weirdest records ever held. Well records, and recorders, and vinyl records. Nate updates your ideas on German fingering, Matt brings you back to the scholastic book fair, and Nate brings it back to science with some space jazz. Did they mean finger as a noun or a verb? Better find out. 

Broken hearts unite. Let the candy hearts whisper sweet nothings into your teeth like cavities. We talk heartbreaking sports loss. Heart break in the physical sense like bum bum bum bum under the floorboard, the house has a heartbeat, kind of way. Let your heart riot through the hot topic of your soul. It's emo bangs season, so it's time to eat some roses. 

Have you ever been in need of an inflatable dick crown and a black light poster? Well did you forget about the mall? Yes the mall is back folks. This week the boys explore every inch of the now overgrown and abandoned American shopping malls. Maybe we transform them into modern day coliseums? Maybe we keep them around for the Spencers Gifts. Or maybe we go live in the woods until we die from a bear attack. So grab an Orange Julius sit back and relax.  

This Is Nothing presents: "Wet," a relevant welcome to February, after a dry(ish) January and all the overflowing moist the green northwest offers this time of year. We ask the question, "does wetness exist? if so, how wet does it have to be to be a liquid?" I guess because it will pool up and spill over a table? There will be time for debate... for the procession of Dingus and puddles of wet laughter. 

Are you the top bannana? This week take a deep dive into that crunchy, smooth nut that likes to strut. The humble peanut has been a man, a song, and a legend. The boys explore the legends of the peanut gallery, old timey phrases, a song about dying form a rotten nut, and the man known as Mr.Peanut and his spawn. Got an allergy? Well watch out for the Portland Park Peanut Man. 

All three main topics right there in a clever title. How great is that. We're apartment hunting so we're like "hunting... that's a topic," and so we went with it. 

Ever wonder if camels get turned on looking at each others humps? This week the boys are taking a break and talk about finally drying out for the new year. Wether it be alcohol, humor, clothes, or deserts, they cover it all this week. Also Bipedal camels, their mummy overlords, N/A cocktails and a whole mess of other delusional details. Hump up the jams its 2023 ya'll. 

It's 2023. We discuss the old year and commit to change for the new. There's hot takes on barely relevant this and that, there's a commitment to the almighty Joke, there's a will and there's a way. Thank you for listening to our fun hijinks through the holidays and into this new year. THIS will be our last Monday posting. It's 2023.... Hump Up the Jams. We going hump day fore future reference. New EPs on Wednesday after this one. Love, love. 

Whats your favorite satanist Christmas tradition?  Well here we are, the gooch of the year and the boys are here to remind you that they had a Christmas episode last year too! Join around the burning fire of their lives as they regale you with improvised Christmas carols, a jaunt couple rounds of tapple, and some final words from your favorite wikipedia piss boys. Ho ho ho the ship is going down!

Have you ever been blinded by the light? You feeling revved up like a deuce? Or is it douche? On this weeks holiday episode the boys stare directly into the sun on an episode all about light. Christmas lights, glowing skin, auras, the strongest light in the world, and a cryptic sleepover game where little girls tell you how you are going to die. Who woulda thought Las Vegas had our ultimate mega weapon against the moth onslaught? 

What's your take on office parties? Weirdest white elephant gift? Is Krampus hiding under Santa's robes? Who knows. We don't. One thing about this EP... we're talking about holiday traditions and Jesus Christ's glistening six pack and the way he shrugs while flipping a cigarette into the gutter. It's okay to overshare JC fantasies, we are a safe space for imagining His hair blowing in the wind riding His hog into the sunset. Not to mention that also, once again we are reminded camels are the boats of the desert. Prove us wrong. 

Do you need an instant vacation? A sudden Tahiti where your concerns are gone, vanished with the taste of a fresh laugh? Mojito in hand? Boz Scaggs on the one's and two's? Well here we are, two silly boys talking you through a self-help laugh track. A vibrator that surrounds you. An escape pod from your body knots. For tenderizing your tight bits percussively, we present to you This Is Nothing's "Self-Care" episode. Enjoy. 

Did you pay your power bill this month? It's that time of year, the autumnal chill leading into the sexual embrace of Turkey and awkward family gatherings. Happy (almost) Thanksgiving our comedy pilgrims. This week the boys take trains, plains, and automobiles to bring you any semblance of comedy wrapped up in unpredictable motor vehicles. A plane that made kamikazes look sane, a car that thinks its a horse, and a car that thinks its a beer can. Any predictions for how your going to explain your new NFT to your parents over stuffed mushrooms? Gobble gobble 

Episode 69 (lol nice) is here! Of course we didn't forget, no ma'am, no sir, we tiptoed around the subject until it stared us deadass in the face and hot damn when we got down there it was a gorgeous treat. Are there other meme-able numbers? How clean is the patented Pacific Northwestern sad horniness flowing through the city of Portland these days? Can we ever truly know if you goblins don't continue writing thirsty late night missed connections on Craigslist? Listen in and learn the ways of the mutually upside down heart. 

Does a person wear a mustache or does the mustache wear them? We have entered November and as the leaves fall so do the whiskers. This week the boys shave away at that sexy facial grass known as the mustache and or beard. From adult mustache sippy cups to the first beard death ever recorded this episode is shaping up to be quite a becoming look. So shave off some time and take a listen. 

What are you doing rowboating away from the enemy? It's the spookiest day of spooky season and gosh are we bad at dealing with ghost situations. First things first let's split up to cover more ground. Next let's drink this random glowing potion. It tastes better in the moonlight. Werewolves are bigger than normal wolves. Have you had your fair share of scary movie scares or are the comically predictable tropes blocking your view of horror? Only Bob Apples knows. We shout at the moon and piss at the stars. It's This is Nothing Halloween 2022. Don't trip when they chase you. 

Monster mash me, good buddy! Back at it for spooky season with a veritable cornucopia of monsters and monstrous things. Have you heard that bump in the night? No it's not your Mormon neighbors doing it under the warm gaze of god's light, it's definitely a monster. Don't look under your bed, there might be a glawackus, a pusher, or much much worse... a goofus bird. God help thee away from the torment of the goofus bird. You're in for a roaring good time otherwise. 

Have you ever wanted to give birth to a podcast listener? Matt and Nate stumble into the end of the sidewalk this week with a look into the great beyond. What echoes out there? Possibly Count  Chocula here to get you off masturbation and into sucking the life out of gods throat. Drugs might be cool but maybe Jim Morrison should have stuck to orange juice while recording the Doors song The End. Also some look into why Game Over just hits different these days. They found the edge of Wikipedia and it sucks, but thats kind of their job anyways. 

Scoffing in the face of basic household needs, your boys are back neglecting the countertop. When we "clean" things we do it raw. And by raw I mean not at all. There is a better system surely. Have you ever been 31? Well, too late, Nate's already there and he's beside you laughing. 

Have you ever danced in a pool, naked, in the pale moonlight? Is there a trick up your sleeve that is not your ass? Not everything means something, I swear. There is a challenge to behold, a challenge to set loose upon the waning autumn day, a challenge to ridicule your drunk poker friends, the challenge of hunting for your own food at night, or of stabbing the eyes of the lion, or whatever bad motivational mis-translation you can muster. Lastly, you haven't felt so sad until after considering an Olympic event called the "Solo Synchronized Swimmer." 

Did you know the queen of England used to own all the dolphins in Britain? She also have two sloths, two black beavers, and a bull elephant named Jumbo. This week it's all about Queen. The band? The man? The elephant? Yes yes yes. A waterskiing elephant, a man that likes driving fast cars as much as he loves shooting guns, and a band that thinks Italian words are funny. Matt and Nate bring it all together, this week! 

This episode is about frogs and budweiser. 

How are you tripping this fall? This week the boys unpack what a trip really can be. Ever eat a camel because your boss is an idiot? Well two unfortunate men who discovered eastern Australia sure did. Ever wonder why we call being high "tripping balls"? Oh you didn't. Well how about a sad story about a dog who was shot in to space? Oh yah thats kind of a bummer, don't harsh the vibes. Let the boys trip out and look at some fish, this week on This is Nothing Podcast!

Did you guys hear that? Those disembodied horses where no alive horses could reasonably whinny? Neigh? Yes, this is a ghost episode. Ghosting, ghostlings, hot ghost goss, little ghost energy, hauntings and shriekings in the night (hint: they are mostly owls). We explore some Pacific Northwest good green ghosts and haunted realms of old buildings because of a tethering to the underkiln with ectoplasmic snail trails. Boo! Gotcha. 

Have you ever wanted to beat your meat and eat it too? Yah they didn't either. If you weren't aware its burger week and everyone in service industry is suffering. So the boys decided to take a deep dive into burgers. Join them in understanding a man named burger who fights the KKK in a booze driven fight for...booze I guess? Also the entire history of the little known controversial Whopper Sandwhich. Also a burger that is an affront to god. If you thought the last two things are the same thing you'd be right.  

Rifling through the drawers of our smell hotel, we ask a question of art gallery curators... why can't we smell the middle ages? I demand action! And yes, the boys this week got their noses up in arms about a collection of good/bad smells, either Tacoma, WA or fermented fish, or the stories woven in between like two bouquets tied together with nose hair. Yes, we are talking about smell folks. The smell of fear, success, dumpster fires. Just remember today and everyday is a good day to stop and smell this podcast. 

Ever wage war against against an entire species of birds? Matt and Nate sure have, look out pigeons. The theme is Errors this week and boy oh boy did they fuck up. How about a building that turns the suns rays into a super villains laser? Or maybe some of the most random deaths in the world. Whoops they did it again. 

What do you think of when you contemplate "HEAT"? Volcanoes? The Sun? The Miami Dating Scene? NO!!! This week the boys pool up the molten shapes of the THIS IS NOTHING Podcast and reform them into a more refined blacksmith workshop. WHAT I MEAN is that we now have themes. A through-line. A main topic. We're doing the same format (wikipedia-based discussion etc), but this week's theme is HEAT. It's hot. You know it. We got to talk about things that like the heat and things that don't whether camel or sidewalk or everything in between. 

Ever hang out at a beach devoted to a beloved whale that was blown up with too many sticks of dynamite? Well Matt and Nate have and boy do they have a lot to tell you. After taking a week off the boys have a lot to say, about the fine fellows who sift through the mud looking for treasure. Also some tails from the sea of a famous pirate. Also the joke of the day calendar is back and its a blight on human kind. Ready to learn about why Nickleback sucks? Well lets listen to two of their songs at the same time and find out together. 

Lincoln's ghost, is he a turn on for you or are you lying to the world? This week the boys predict the ending to Stranger things. Somehow Matthew McConaughey is there? Also a myriad of failed restaurants, a way to run that shows your devotion to jazz, and a child star that was told the Shining was nothing to be afraid of. They'll see you in the upside down, they'll be the ones inside out. 

Do you think slugs are cute? You do? Well, guess again. This week the fellas discuss the art of fart, a slimey B-horror, and a guy who likes being shot out of cannons attached to balloons. This is nice orange slice shaped cooler for river beers. This is a gentle intestinal wind. We are your guides through this nonsense hacking away at the sentient weeds of Wikipedia and plunging into god's arms like a high diver. Join us. Be one with us. We love you. 

Would you eat a bug based burger? This week the boys look into a bug based alternative to your favorite cheeseburger. How about an alien transmission that shows just how easy it is to pirate the radio? How many diamonds do you have to put on something to make it art? I dunno but this stupid skull is worth more than any of us will ever make in our lives. So set up a lemonade stand at work and undermine your business. No Gods no Bosses. 

What would your one-liner be if you kicked a villain through a soda machine? Chuck Norris knows. Chuck Norris also knows the way to the heart is through the fist. This week we're back to the standard format. 2 dudes. 2 mics. 2 topics each. Who will win? Can there be a winner? I think yes. You are. You've chosen to tune your ears to this compilation of soft rock, big kicks, wet foods, and improv sci-fi theater. Will Drake make a cameo or find himself cancelled with the rest of our radiant trash heap? Find out. The doofus train rides again. 

One year after episode zero, the knights of the rectangular yellow table are back with the brass. Do you fear flying space rocks or space-wizard-themed prog rock with more intensity? Neither? Well, listen in through the curtains to this week's mixtape of shrapnel from the sky, ska in the name of christ, a Ukrainian folk duo, and, of course, the Wild Women of Wongo. There's science, there's sex, there's music. Mystique, mystery, and Sierra Mist. Join us in welcoming us to a full first year of This is Nothing. Thank you for your one good ear. 

Are Peeps purely easter treat or is this a year round party for your guts? They have risen and the boys are here with their hot takes on easter traditions. Is it strange to force your kids to hunt for hard boiled eggs in the yard? Also a show that tests your skill on wether a 5th grader knows more than you let alone a Canadian fifth grader. Also if a tree is alone in a desert does it make a sound when a drunk driver miraculously hits it. All this and a hot take on the new millenium is yours for the taking so let's party like its 1999...or is it 2000?

Intrigued? Matt & Nate back at it with the riffs and goofs. Spam slides out the can in a Monty Python splat. Hellhounds abound and must be stopped before they disappear through your ceiling. Video games as exercise and a few pages of horny comics from the 70's. Join us on our quest for answers to the big ones. 

Should Ozzy Osbourne have been casted as Professor Snape? This week the boys find out if your son is hot enough to fly with the big birds. Also Thai prisoners who'll kick Mike Tyson's ass for freedom and they answer the real questions like "Do Muggles smoke weed?" All of this and everything you never wanted. 

How symmetrical is your face? Do you like boats as much as Nate does? Will Matt guess the 8 pillars of beauty? All this and more. Much more. Like the liquor soaked queen of MySpace and her disgraceful erasable comments. People who drive cars fast named after boats. A loophole in the syndicate of thievery and the many facets of physical attractiveness which we, of course, know all about and don't sound dumb about in the least, so sir no ma'm. In our eyes you are all winners and we love you when you love yourself, goblin or not. 

The boys adapt a new eco-friendly tagline and discuss a millennially acclaimed rapper's worst feature of his career (argue with us about this, but you're gunna need a space shuttle or a ladder that's forever). Xhibit pays a visit to steal your clunker and bring back... something. Matt quizzes Nate on late 90's television shows and how does Friends stack up against a supercut with no laugh tracks? Will you fill in the laughter or will you cringe with us? 

Are you pretending to be deaf to impress your edgy music rivals? We here at This is Nothing Podcast believe we have a shitty tagline and its time for a change. Matt and Nate discuss ideas for a new tagline, the evil that is the big boats provided by Princess Cruise lines, A lying Japanese composer, A porn star behind and in front of the camera, and a carnivorous flying squirrel. Thing changes the show while people actively listen is a bad idea? Rome wasn't built in a day, and it definitely would have failed earlier if these two were at the helm.