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Today I Learned (Nothing)

Today I Learned (Nothing)

By Steve Shinney

Today I Learned (Nothing) is a show chronicling the days of two geeky dads who are just trying to reconcile their wives, their children, and their livelihoods with the pop culture-infused world they live in.
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TILN 36: The Pant-riarchy

Today I Learned (Nothing)Apr 02, 2018

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13:57
Today I Learned what's going on with Today I Learned Nothing

Today I Learned what's going on with Today I Learned Nothing

Just a quick update on why there hasn't been any new shows on the feed lately.

Basically we've taken all the Today I Learned Nothing energy and moved it to a new show call Then You Ruined It. Check it out over at https://anchor.fm/jason-sigler.

I've also included a little sneak peek of what we get up to over there just in case you think we've changed.

Jan 27, 202105:43
Digi-Cuck and Cellulo-Dom | Today I Learned Nothing

Digi-Cuck and Cellulo-Dom | Today I Learned Nothing

Our children don't understand that our favorite Twitch streamers were our friends that had the other gaming systems in our hometowns. Also, did Jason accidentally have a dom/sub situation set up with his best friend? Finally, screening your kid's favorite streamer for offensive content is a new level of hell they just added. Click Like and Subscribe!

Jan 04, 202117:39
The Year We Made It Weird | Today I Learned Nothing

The Year We Made It Weird | Today I Learned Nothing

This has been a garbage fire of a year for a multitude of reasons, but we had a bit of fun talking about everything from Kramer/David Letterman/penis comparisons, coveting thy neighbor's sweet tech, culturally-insensitive Idahoan sumo clubs, and Steve's innate macho ax-throwing skills that no one cares about, to synchronized impersonations of subjugated, prehistoric animal species and talking to our pees pees about the birds and the bees. Join us for a laugh or two and wait for what has to be a better year later this week.


Dec 28, 202022:16
Brother, AIM ME! | Today I Learned Nothing

Brother, AIM ME! | Today I Learned Nothing

Hearing the smacking of lips while someone is chewing will send Jason into such a rage that he could punch a child. He's not going to, but you understand that it describes the level of his anger, right? That makes sense? Also, Steve's kids aim each other like guns to unload a clip of flatulence   onto him and we fear you might be next.

Dec 21, 202020:48
Classic Dog Table Boosties | Today I Learned Nothing

Classic Dog Table Boosties | Today I Learned Nothing

Jason swears everyone has peed their pants at one point or another (outside of childhood, of course, where we were all just constant streams and sprays of urine). Steve purports to deny that claim, though his own evidence contradicts this position. Also, did you ever call them boosties? Didn't think so.

Dec 14, 202016:49
A Mario Pooper | Today I Learned Nothing

A Mario Pooper | Today I Learned Nothing

The pandemic has us all making the best of a bad situation, including our kids. Steve's son has figured this pandemic schooling thing out, and lollipops are included. Jason's daughter, meanwhile, has too much integrity to make the grift worth it. Jason's just happy not to have to deal with his co-workers "wanting things." The rest of the episode is literally ya-yas and wee-wees.

Dec 07, 202019:03
The Hardy Boys and The Parking Lot Sumo Club | Today I Learned Nothing

The Hardy Boys and The Parking Lot Sumo Club | Today I Learned Nothing

Have you ever sumo wrestled your friend for shotgun while riding to McDonald's with the gang? Steve did, and he files his report of this shrinking, little-known high school pastime. Also, Jason was, unsurprisingly, the waterboy for the football team, and witnessed first-hand just how that group solves conflicts within itself. Finally, the guys do a barrel roll while trying to talk about tragic headlines from the past.


Nov 30, 202017:38
Everybody Likes The Bike Guy! | Today I Learned Nothing

Everybody Likes The Bike Guy! | Today I Learned Nothing

The disrespect of Steve's friends for the environment cost him a pie and his family is terrible at estimating their grocery needs when is cycling to fulfill them. These are two separate thoughts that sum up how much stress he is currently under. Also, Jason feels like filled donuts betrayed him, not unlike a Gusher.


Nov 23, 202015:16
The Summer of SmackDown | Today I Learned Nothing

The Summer of SmackDown | Today I Learned Nothing

Some good wisdom from this episode: When trying to hook up your sister, don't mention how hot your mom is. When trying to break up a relationship so you can date someone ... don't. And when wrestling a girl, the heart of a true man will take the bump and earn the right to wear the crimson mask. We're just full of it in this episode.

Nov 16, 202018:59
Creepy Christmas Whisperings | Today I Learned Nothing

Creepy Christmas Whisperings | Today I Learned Nothing

You have to ask yourself, what kind of monster do you want your kids playing in? Also, why are sophomores too good to go out the butt like everyone else? And Steve talks about his friend who missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity because of intestinal issues. Finally, we wrap things up on an unfortunately timed Alex Trebek joke. No harm meant, and RIP to one of the most amazing game show hosts and human beings this world has ever known.

Nov 09, 202015:54
David Letterman Has Failed Me | Today I Learned Nothing

David Letterman Has Failed Me | Today I Learned Nothing

The guys agree that late night TV has changed a lot in the last decade, but it also hasn't really changed at all. Then, the talk strays to whether or not Jason pees in the shower and, honestly, it's just a big toilet bowl after that.

Nov 02, 202017:07
We Are Truly Pigeon Poop | Today I Learned Nothing

We Are Truly Pigeon Poop | Today I Learned Nothing

Let he who is without poop cast the first load. Steve is convinced that the loathsome white stuff that flies from a sky rat's butt is a sign of karma setting things right with a person. Jason asks was it karma or consequence? But really, they're both just full of it.

Oct 26, 202014:22
VOTE (and Beat Zelda) | Today I Learned Nothing

VOTE (and Beat Zelda) | Today I Learned Nothing

We bask in the glory of Steve's Pile of Shame, including some standout Zelda titles. Also, find out why you shouldn't ever watch someone beat a game you might want to play. Finally, bond over gaming with someone you love ... and don't be surprised when your relationship is ruined.

Oct 19, 202017:21
WARNING, Don't Try This at Home | Today I Learned Nothing

WARNING, Don't Try This at Home | Today I Learned Nothing

When it comes to defending your home, Steve recommends a good old fashioned pair of nunchucks. Jason opts to scare them with a ghostly, pale sight instead. Also, just what does graphite do in a baseball bat?


Oct 12, 202016:40
Davy Crockett is a Saint | Today I Learned Nothing

Davy Crockett is a Saint | Today I Learned Nothing

Steve was excited to bond with his wife on their first date in months and she was dreading the thought. He was also super stoked about showing off his super questionable skills in axe throwing that his childhood neighbor, Davy Crockett, taught him. Finally, never forget, that his wife is always keeping score.

Oct 05, 202015:49
Soliloquizing the Media | Today I Learned Nothing

Soliloquizing the Media | Today I Learned Nothing

Jason got a small taste of the pastor's life and the elusive stardom of a YouTube star in the same go and he wants MORE. Steve's kids agree that he and his wife are weird about their social media dreams and want better representation. And both guys look back at their early beginnings on the "make other people listen to your voice" world of podcasting.

Sep 28, 202018:06
Sack-agawea | Today I Learned Nothing

Sack-agawea | Today I Learned Nothing

Steve tells of the greatest coin purse he ever owned, and why they make kangaroos cower in fear. Jason posits that frontier was so boring, people resorted to loving on the animals a bit too much. Together, the guys go on Amazon to check the price of kangaroo scrotum bags.

Sep 21, 202012:53
For The Love of The Dame | Today I Learned Nothing

For The Love of The Dame | Today I Learned Nothing

Steve is sad to see summer go, but he's sending it off with one of his favorite pastimes: CRABBIN'. Learn why a pot is not necessarily a cage, why sexing a crab does not involve butter, and why peeing on yourself (or others), while hilarious, does nothing to alleviate the pain of a jellyfish sting.


Sep 14, 202019:17
Lockdown Labor Day Clip Show Extravaganza | Today I Learned Nothing

Lockdown Labor Day Clip Show Extravaganza | Today I Learned Nothing

It's Labor Day weekend, so it's a perfect time for a clip show! Steve is insistent about not visiting a back-alley porn room and he recalls the war between the bloods and the crips in the woods of Idaho, while Jason lashes out like a toddler because he has too much stuff and reminds Steve that he's actually quite dyslexic.

Sep 08, 202018:01
Get Your Mother-In-Law A Corn | Today I Learned Nothing

Get Your Mother-In-Law A Corn | Today I Learned Nothing

Relationships with mothers-in-law can be tricky, but especially when they inexplicably cry about corn, as Steve found out. And while Steve has grown and matured since getting married and having kids, Jason appears to be regressing and will soon by a fetus once again. 


Aug 31, 202015:57
A Lovely Prosgutto | Today I Learned Nothing

A Lovely Prosgutto | Today I Learned Nothing

Steve does it for the Gram and sees no problem with that. Jason sucks at taking pictures and his wife will make sure you know it before he can ruin your precious moments. Together, both guys adore the familial cowboys and prostitutes of old west family photography.


Aug 24, 202015:44
It's a PRIVATE Party | Today I Learned Nothing

It's a PRIVATE Party | Today I Learned Nothing

Jason's daughter loves to stall at bedtime with a good old-fashioned stumper, but this one takes the cake, and Steve just wants to hang out with the rabbits that want nothing to do with him. And finally, what do you think a private party would be to a child?

Aug 17, 202015:33
Douchetimidation | Today I Learned Nothing

Douchetimidation | Today I Learned Nothing

If you want to learn a new skill, DO IT. Don't let Jason, who can only play guitar with his mouth and gave up on piano lessons after a few weeks or Steve, who hasn't played since his days in the Outback and even then could only rock out one Garth Brooks ballad, convince you otherwise.

Aug 10, 202017:12
Buttlecocks On Buttcher Paper | Today I Learned Nothing

Buttlecocks On Buttcher Paper | Today I Learned Nothing

After talking about fun games to play with your family ('s bodies in quarantine), Jason talks about showing inappropriate movies at the Walmart electronics section and relays the horrors he saw working as a janitor in a doctor's office.

Aug 03, 202017:08
That Is SO Dan Brown | Today I Learned Nothing

That Is SO Dan Brown | Today I Learned Nothing

Steve's family has fun with the "F" word (yes, that one) and Jason dulled his artistic abilities to make Pictionary more fun. Finally, the guys talk about, then spoil, The Da Vinci Code in this, the year 2020.


Jul 27, 202015:31
The Dew Tree, Brought To You By Dew, Do the Dew! | Today I Learned Nothing

The Dew Tree, Brought To You By Dew, Do the Dew! | Today I Learned Nothing

Jason is worried that his daughter isn't learning responsibility but Steve is concerned that Jason is a terrible father in the first place (serving lemonade at breakfast, the cad!). Steve's mother-in-law invites her jug band to wake up the family at 4 AM (in Jason's mind). Finally, get off your butt, stretch your quads, and KIP UP, you loser.

Jul 20, 202017:21
Get It Off The Pole On Steve Avenue | Today I Learned Nothing

Get It Off The Pole On Steve Avenue | Today I Learned Nothing

Steve recalls second-hand sign-stealing events he definitely wasn't a part of, back when trucks were made of nothin' but ... TRUCK. He also implores Jason to get napalmic on the wasps terrorizing him as a youth while retrieving the mail. Finally, we must all stand in awe of Steve's dad, who once took out a fly while it was still in the air. Truly awe-inspiring.

Jul 13, 202014:19
Determination & Gumption, Sweetheart | Today I Learned Nothing

Determination & Gumption, Sweetheart | Today I Learned Nothing

Steve, a self-proclaimed master mover, nearly crushed his friend's head with a washing machine, which Steve got mad about when the friend appeared to be injured for several seconds. Jason's best friend has turned bleeding during moving into a pastime, and a very uncomfortable one at that. 

Jul 06, 202013:07
The Real Dumb Friend Is The Friends We Made Along The Way | Today I Learned Nothing

The Real Dumb Friend Is The Friends We Made Along The Way | Today I Learned Nothing

Steve's pranking prowess was constantly held back by the dumb friend. Jason argues that he might have been the dumb friend all along. Also, Gwar is both cool and weird. Finally, trust kids when they give you a new name they want to be called, and have all the fun in the world sticking to that brand of weirdness.

Jun 29, 202019:44
Wanna Have a Good Time? Go To Daddy | Today I Learned Nothing

Wanna Have a Good Time? Go To Daddy | Today I Learned Nothing

Jason is ... allergic (?) to something in certain ... kinds of ... meat? Maybe? But he's a MAN, so don't question him. And Steve guarantees he's the fun parent, and he's ALSO a man, so don't question him either, okay? Shout-out to all the daddies out there, lying to keep their status in the family.


Jun 22, 202018:23
The Wet Dream Boob Movie | Today I Learned Nothing

The Wet Dream Boob Movie | Today I Learned Nothing

Puberty is tough, especially when you're a late bloomer AND on the basketball team. But what about blooming too much, turning you into a 'Squatch-like? Also, watch that video they show you before middle school, we cannot stress that enough.

Jun 15, 202013:58
Help Me, Stormpuncher | Today I Learned Nothing

Help Me, Stormpuncher | Today I Learned Nothing

After Jason shares some BREAKING NEWS about a Stormy Daniels comic series, we learn about his father, whose heart was broken by a tornado what took his true love away decades ago. That's the story Steve has concocted, anyways. The guys also agree that smart storms are better than shark tornadoes and after they start making fun of the 1996 summer blockbuster, Twister, they realize they really, really love the 1996 summer blockbuster, Twister.

Jun 08, 202017:13
Grits Are Dumb | Today I Learned Nothing

Grits Are Dumb | Today I Learned Nothing

Jason tells Steve about his aversion to costume makeup and why he can never eat in its presence. Steve, once he stops laughing and ridiculing this debilitating disorder, agrees to help him learn more about his unfortunate lot in life. Also, eyes up here, because it's time for daddy's dinner.



Jun 01, 202017:00
The Quarantine Days of Sex Robots | Today I Learned Nothing

The Quarantine Days of Sex Robots | Today I Learned Nothing

Sure, it's the days of the quarantine and we're all stuck indoors together ... but do you know where the children are? Or the family robots? Just something to think about. Also, Steve tells Jason about the talking robot in the Rocky movies, so he has to watch them all immediately. Finally, what would robot farts smell like?


May 25, 202015:23
One Hill Tree | Today I Learned Nothing

One Hill Tree | Today I Learned Nothing

Steve and his friends were always ready for Goonies-like adventure to strike, putting them in a perfect position to capitalize on the war between the Bloods and the Crips in the woods of rural Idaho. Also, have you ever been as content as a kid in a hole with plywood over his head? Jason believes that yes, he has.

May 18, 202016:01
Give Her The Ol' Cannoli, Eh, Dad? | Today I Learned Nothing

Give Her The Ol' Cannoli, Eh, Dad? | Today I Learned Nothing

Jason explains to Steve why he should be playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons. He then decides to never playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons.

May 11, 202018:46
Coast-to-Ghost, USA | Today I Learned Nothing

Coast-to-Ghost, USA | Today I Learned Nothing

Steve and his roommate jokingly divided their apartment up until the joke was just on them. Jason shared a bed with his brother until he was old enough to carry his weird sleeping habits to his own room. Together, the guys agree to never speak about Skinwalker Ranch and the dangers the dark presents ever again.


May 04, 202016:23
You Bring The Dip, You Get The Stick | Today I Learned Nothing

You Bring The Dip, You Get The Stick | Today I Learned Nothing

Have you ever been sad on a trampoline? No, because it's impossible, even if your friend just murdered the family of squirrels you'd lovingly named and geneologized. Also, should we only ever deliver bad news while bouncing to and fro? Steve files his report. Also, local children are snorting Pixie Stix and Fun Dip to get their kicks. Jason has that hard-hitting look at rural American children and the stupid things they do out of boredom. Today I Learned Nothing is on the air!



Apr 27, 202017:48
No Leg To Stand On | Today I Learned Nothing

No Leg To Stand On | Today I Learned Nothing

It's week 6 (7? 8?) of the quarantine and Steve is nearly weeping into cheeseburgers, so yeah, things are going pretty well. Jason's getting takeout via drug mule restrictions and ok, hot shot, can YOU name any other famous Whos?

Apr 20, 202020:42
Settlers Of My Pants | Today I Learned Nothing

Settlers Of My Pants | Today I Learned Nothing

Jason recounts the night he thought he came close to accidentally arranging an orgy at his apartment (he didn't). Bored on a New Year's Eve, five people found one another, and discovered that their friend was a much bigger creep than he let on. Steve enjoys playing the Kenickie to Jason's Danny in this one, but also posits that there is more going on in the woods of a small town in America than you realized.


Apr 13, 202015:42
Pepperectum | Today I Learned Nothing

Pepperectum | Today I Learned Nothing

Does the most popular type of pepper look more like a bell or a (couple of) butt(s)? Do you use all the spices in YOUR arsenal? And don't the Oreo folks need to just calm the heck down with all the different versions?

Apr 06, 202018:09
Doing The Wrong Thing | Today I Learned Nothing

Doing The Wrong Thing | Today I Learned Nothing

Surprising no one but Jason, the only disappointment Jason has faced in the COVID-19 pandemic is thanks to Taco Bell. Meanwhile, Steve thinks the people of Seattle are just using the virus as an excuse to be mean to each other. Also, have teens in YOUR area been licking mailboxes? The guys file their report.


Mar 30, 202014:09
Parrotheads Are Good, Clean People | Today I Learned Nothing

Parrotheads Are Good, Clean People | Today I Learned Nothing

It's the all-porn episode, and it contains not a single ounce of the filthy stuff! But doesn't the word "whores" sound filthy, no matter how you say it? And Jason wants to meet at least one diehard porn fan to see what they're really like. Steve just wants you to stop using your kids and pets as avatars.

Mar 24, 202014:55
Crossbow Proficiencies | Today I Learned Nothing

Crossbow Proficiencies | Today I Learned Nothing

Practice some social distancing with this episode all about ... THE VIRUS! Steve's been following it long before it was cool, and Jason can't figure out why it makes his wife wanna buy so much danged peanut butter. After the guys move on from current events, they finally nail down which Looney Tune was the worst person.

Mar 16, 202017:09
The Warmth Of Nudity | Today I Learned Nothing

The Warmth Of Nudity | Today I Learned Nothing

Jason is thrilled that his 2nd grader told him a dirty joke, even if she didn't know any better and it made no sense. Steve assumes that secretions are happening, just, all the time, and it's time to change the sheets. But really, the guys are both just hoping for some quality naked time. Separately. Apart. Not together.

Mar 09, 202020:06
You Do You, Bread Boy | Today I Learned Nothing

You Do You, Bread Boy | Today I Learned Nothing

Steve's dyslexia earns him a new, lame nickname, the guys lament the fact that Cheetohs could mean any podcast is their last one, and Jason wants to replace those cheesy slideshows at funeral homes with a playlist of his "best" podcast moments. All that, plus Steve's baller grandmother living well and wealthy past her death day!

Mar 02, 202014:59
Yabba Dabba DON'T | Today I Learned Nothing

Yabba Dabba DON'T | Today I Learned Nothing

This episode is basically a BuzzFeed quiz about The Flintstones! Who's more likely to display a mental disability: Fred or Barney? Who's hotter: Wilma or Betty? Did the Flintstones go to church? Why didn't the dinosaurs rise up from their appliance-based existence and eat the cave men and women? The guys answer all these questions and Jason makes us uncomfortable about our favorite cave folk from Bedrock!

Feb 24, 202012:60
Cloacas Are For The Birds | Today I Learned Nothing

Cloacas Are For The Birds | Today I Learned Nothing

Steve is rash and hasty with his hypothetical questions, but Jason humors him and reveals some scandalous opinions about mermaids in the process. Also, are bus marshals a thing? And since the ones on airplanes are called air marshals, would bus ones be land marshals? The guys file their report.

Feb 17, 202015:30
P.S. I'm a Goat | Today I Learned Nothing

P.S. I'm a Goat | Today I Learned Nothing

It's February, so love is in the air! Steve fondly remembers his potato and pun-fueled proposals as a young boy coming of age in Idaho while Jason recalls when he learned what the word "statutory" means.

Feb 10, 202019:38
The Freudiest Of Slips | Today I Learned Nothing

The Freudiest Of Slips | Today I Learned Nothing

Steve threatens a good fingering for his whole work group, while both he and Jason agree that the NSFW tag exists for a reason. Also, just what's going through Jason's brain in most moments of the day? Nothing good, we assure you!

Feb 03, 202014:43