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Unbitten: A Journey Through the Twilight Saga

Unbitten: A Journey Through the Twilight Saga

By Twilight
One of us has never read Twilight before, and the other is a self-proclaimed expert. Join us in taking a bite out of Twilight for the first time (or come back for your 17th time!) as we go chapter by chapter through the series.
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Ep 58 - Eclipse Ch. 18 Jasper Finally Matters
Cam survived her illness so we're finally back with a new episode covering a fun chapter of vampire fighting tactics. Who knew Jasper would suddenly become relevant 3 books into the series and 75% through the book. Thanks as always to our wonderful editor, Edward's Hairball. We love you!
October 03, 2022
Ep 57 - Eclipse Ch. 17: Joe's Basement
In chapter 17 of Eclipse we discuss the AUDACITY of Jacob to even show up to this party. Cam makes some more predictions regarding this vampire army. Stay tuned to the very very end of the episode for a delight to your ears. Edited by the wonderful Edward's Hairball, a patron and member of our discord server.
September 05, 2022
Ep 56 - Eclipse Ch. 16: Roach Wars
Starting off with a bang for chapter 16 which is funny to say for such an uninteresting chapter. We mostly complain about the pacing because who cares about graduation we certainly don't! However, very important comeback for our fave khaki skirt and we have to also commend Edward for continuing to improve as a person and we get another apology from him. Important plot information is revealed as Bella connects the dots we all connected like five chapters ago. Edited by the wonderful Edward's Hairball, a patron and member of our discord server.
August 15, 2022
Ep 55 - Eclipse Ch 15: Jacob is the WORST
Trigger warning: Talk of sexual assault throughout the episode. Join us in episode 55 of Unbitten: Jacob is the WORST aka CHEEKS OUT PISSIN! In this episode, we discuss just how horrid Jacob is in his attempts to win Bella, marvel at Edward's restraint, and take a stand against Charlie once and for all. Edited by the wonderful Edward's Hairball, a patron and member of our discord server.
August 01, 2022
Ep 54 - Eclipse Ch 14: Deplatform Us
For this week's episode we answer some patron AMAs, then try to dig into what is one of the worst chapters of the book so far because Stephenie Meyer can't write. Have we mentioned we don't think she can write? Enjoy such conversation discussions as how to break a femur, why can't vampires just drink blood bags, and how we feel about Jacob's confession at the end of the chapter.
July 18, 2022
Ep 53 - Eclipse Ch 13: Piss Man Backstory
Join Em and Cam as we explore Chapter 13 of Eclipse! In this episode, we explore Jasper’s backstory, with all its weird and problematic twists and turns. Also, air conditioner troubles, googling Stephanie Meyer’s place of birth, and more!
July 04, 2022
Ep 52 - Eclipse Ch 12: Sour Cream
After a short break we are back and RECORDING IN THE SAME ROOM with live studio audience - Em's girlfriend (perhaps kidnapped and held hostage to finally listen to an episode). This episode covers chapter 12 of Eclipse in which we surprisingly see some good communication between Bella and Edward and Cameron makes some predictions on Jasper's backstory. We also happened to get a little tipsy, talk about sexual health (we aren't doctors!), and take a dive into the world of True Crime in the middle of the podcast!
June 20, 2022
Ep 51 - Eclipse Ch 11: Dismembered Vampire Dick
This is the episode where we get all the old Quileute legends and how the werewolves came to be. More importantly though, this is the episode where S. Meyer's racism shows once again (yaaaay.....). Magical spirit warriors vs potato head vampires who will win? Also just a reminder once again THIS PODCAST IS EXPLICIT. What else can you do with dismembered cold vampire parts? If only this book wasn't written by a Mormon. Also don't forget gentle listeners, even vampire sex requires ongoing consent! 
May 23, 2022
Ep 50 - Eclipse Ch 10: Kristen Stewart on a Motorcycle
Welcome back to Unbitten! Join Em and Cam as they simp over Kristen Stewart, make fun of Bella for having no hobbies, and question how Jacob managed to stab himself with a knife. 
May 09, 2022
Ep 49 - Eclipse Ch 9: Target Haul
After a break for ~Aries Season~ we are back with another episode covering Chapter 9 of Eclipse. In this episode we discuss how Charlie is losing his status as one of our faves and his learned helplessness in taking care of the house. Cam make's some predictions about who snuck into Bella's room and then we revel in how amazing it has been to see some actual positive character development in Edward. Also Jacob apologizes!
April 25, 2022
Ep 48 - Eclipse Ch 8: Magically Assigned Predator
In this episode of Unbitten, we get the fun (discomfort) of discussing imprinting in more depth because the Quil and Claire thing happened. It's grooming, people! Lock these dogs up we say! We also see the end of Cam's Team Jacob allegiance as he says some pretty awful things out of jealousy and hatred. This chapter is so juicy guys. Horny? In my mormon vampire series? It's more likely than you think! We get men apologizing, we get making out, we get Edward character development. Wow. 
March 28, 2022
Ep 47 - Eclipse Ch 7: Rosalie's Girlboss Moment
Today we cover a heavy but interesting chapter! TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual assault, physical violence, r*pe -- time stamps: 22:15-30:00. Em and Cam discuss Rosalie's tragic backstory and badass revenge, Cam's drunken adventures, and weird sexist author moments. A classic twilight chapter.....
March 14, 2022
Ep 46 - Eclipse Ch 6: Piss Bottles
In this episode of Unbitten Cam and Em talk romance and dating advice vis a vis blood pendants. Also, once again, who is Austin? It's no surprise we're mad at Edward this chapter but we feel the Alice betrayal big time, and oops we talk about piss again sorry xoxo enjoy. Of course we also discuss the SEXY BED.
February 28, 2022
Ep 45 - Eclipse Ch 5: Hiddies, Widdies, and Ciddies
In this episode, Em and Cam discuss chapter five of Eclipse, which includes some CRAZY new lore, a wild Sam x Emily origin story, and another Bella temper tantrum. Also, we answer patron AMAs, discuss the weird sexualization of female animals in animated movies, and talk about our old lady joints, despite both of us being in our 20s.
February 15, 2022
Ep 44 - Eclipse Ch 4: What that Vussy Do?
Covering chapter 4 of Eclipse this week, we spend more time making fun of Stephenie Meyer's overall lack of writing skill, from Bella's overly whiny 'worst day ever' to the really lame fridge magnet metaphor. Cam and Em share their cereal preferences and ask which cereal lasts longest in milk. We also make a request for Emmett and Rosalie fanfiction please and thank you. We also offer our expert relationship advice to anyone who needs it (dump him).
January 31, 2022
Ep 43 - Eclipse Ch 3: Edward's Hairball
We are back after the holidays with Chapter 3 of Eclipse, where we talk about Jacob's height (again), Edward acting like a cat in more ways than one, and many other things ranging from serious to hysterical. Also, as always, minecraft, sims, and other nerd shit. Twitter: Patreon:
January 17, 2022
Ep 42 - Eclipse Ch 2: Marble Statue Fetish
Jumping into chapter 2 of Eclipse this week, we are right back to being mad at the men in Bella's life. Cam makes some predictions about Alice's secret prediction and Em offers alternatives to making out with Edward - perhaps a flagpole instead? Once again we question Vampire anatomy and struggle to imagine a rock hard flaccid dick. Have we mentioned this podcast is rated Explicit? Also redemption for Cam as Edward and Bella finally talk about those damn Jacksonville tickets. 
December 20, 2021
Ep 41 - Eclipse Preface and Ch 1: Bella Deals With Man-Pain
It feels like years since we started New Moon, but we are finally done and moving on to book 3: Eclipse! Join us as we reiterate Charlie's stupidity and Billy's love of gossip, discuss Jacob's strange epistolary choices, and shit on Edward for like the millionth time. Twitter: Patreon:
December 06, 2021
Ep 40 - New Moon Movie: Daddy Sorry Daddy Sorry Ft. Goblet of Wine
After finishing the book at last we finally get to watch the movie for New Moon! Joining us for this special movie episode are Charlie and Hannah from Goblet of Wine (A drunken Harry Potter podcast). While thirsting for every daddy in this movie we also question Edward's waxing routine, judge the vampires' foundation, and discover (expose) Jasper's secret piss kink. Be prepared for some Taylor Lautner simping and an educational description of what 'soaking' is. If you enjoyed Charlie and Hannah be sure to check out Goblet of Wine podcast:
November 22, 2021
Ep 39 - New Moon Ch 24 and Epilogue: Edward like, REALLY sucks
Oh my god!! We finally finished another book! Join us as we round out our reading of New Moon with, you guessed it, getting really annoyed with Edward and Jacob! Also, animal crossing news, our lives falling apart, and like 5 minutes of trying to remember where one movie quote came from. Twitter: Patreon:
November 08, 2021
Ep. 38 - New Moon Ch 23: Call Your Friend a MILF
If you wanted us to yell about Edward for almost an entire episode then this is it! From so called apologies, to weird guilt tripping we are HERE to call out the bullshit. If Edward was a real person he would be the one making notes app twitter apologies left and right. We do some unpacking of Bella’s fear of turning 30 and Cam makes some predictions about the end of the book.
October 18, 2021
Ep 37 - New Moon Ch 22: Bella Does Cocaine
Covering chapter 22 of New Moon this week which means talking about anything other than the book! Casting choices for the new Mario movie are questionable, Cam recommends an opera about a frat boy to everyone and we talk about the best way to get spiders out of the shower. We also solve the mystery of Aro's onion skin and talk about more confusing vampire biology. Also Halloween is coming soon! What costumes are you guys dressing up as?
October 04, 2021
Ep 36 - New Moon Ch 21: Vampires are like Onions
We are done prerecording and are back to our usually scheduled nonsense! Join Em and Cam as we discuss our new living situations, dive into some fun Volturi lore, and contemplate whether or not Aro has layers like Shrek. Spoiler alert: methinks he does!
September 20, 2021
Ep. 35 - New Moon Ch. 20: Eddie is BACK
Join us on episode 35 where we talk about some actual good media for about 5 minutes before remembering we are a Twilight podcast. Cam declares she will go back in time to prevent bad 2000's fashion, we criticize the Cullens' cars and question (again) Edward's stupid sparkle plan. With Edward back... it's return to simp city.
September 06, 2021
Ep. 34 - New Moon Ch 19: Sheeeeeesh
Because of contractual obligations we did have to do an episode about the worst chapter in this book, chapter 19 which is nothing but a series of flights and Bella being upset. In a surprising twist Cam actually does some research about the city of Volterra. We also question Edward's sense of drama because who actually thinks sparkles are scary??
August 23, 2021
Ep 33 - New Moon Ch. 18: Bella IS Stinky
In this episode of Unbitten we cover chapter 18 of New Moon and discuss Bella's constant need to apologize, how Jacob is a shitty friend and Stephenie Meyer's bad foreshadowing. If there are any conclusions to draw in this chapter it's that Edward has the audacity. Spoiler alert: they don't go to Jacksonville. Also aside from our usual wish for Bella to go to therapy we think she should probably get that fainting condition checked out because girl what is wrong with you!
August 09, 2021
Ep 32 - New Moon Ch 17: Team Bella Needs Therapy
In this episode of Unbitten, we discuss chapter 17 of New Moon and approaching plot! Alice is here and we are so glad for it. We question how Alice's visions work, see that Jacob is a shitty friend and at last we get the scoop on what the Cullens have been up to since leaving Forks. Where is our dark academia college version of Twilight? Please!   Note there is a trigger warning for discussions of suicide from 8:40-14:30.
July 26, 2021
Ep 31 - New Moon Ch 16: Hot Take! Sucks to be Dead!
This week, Em and Cam talk about literally anything other than New Moon. Okay, well, we do talk about New Moon. But there are lots of tangents, including but not limited to Monsters Inc, Fortnite, and a multimillion-dollar fur suit drycleaning service. But on the actual topic of the book, we discuss Bella's confusing thought processes and poor analysis of a famous Shakespeare play, as well as Jacob's growing toxic traits. This one is a wild one, but I think you're expecting that by now. 
July 12, 2021
Ep 30 - New Moon Ch. 15: Dad Bod Werewolves
In this spicy episode covering chapter 15 of New Moon we get into a deep discussion on how to improve werewolves, thoughts toxic relationships and also unpack Bella's cliff-diving desires. Once more we preach that everyone needs therapy! Content warning for discussing the topic of drowning as well as trigger warnings for discussion of glorification of death, self harm and suicidal ideation from 47:30-67:00.
June 28, 2021
Ep 29 - New Moon Ch. 14: Cam Galaxy Brains
In this episode, Cam figures out the entire plot of the series. For real. Go listen, we're not even kidding.
June 14, 2021
Ep 28 - New Moon Ch. 13: Man in Manual Wheelchair
Cam and Em release their full unhinged energy in discussing chapter 13 where we spend more time talking about anything else but the book. Emily does some math (sorry!) and proves S. Meyer never thinks (again). We debate what we would do if our kid was a furry and also what it means to be critical of media.
May 31, 2021
Ep 27 - New Moon Ch 12: Bella Decides to Think
Welcome back! This week, both of our idiot protagonists decide to make attempts at intelligent thought, Bella's dreams get too OP, and Jacob has a strange but fitting kink. Also, Bella is a limp noodle and Sam is probably still t posing.
May 17, 2021
Ep 26 - New Moon Ch. 11: New Man Same Problems
Join us in an (finally) exciting chapter with questionable cult activities, a confrontation in the woods, a man who hates that he's a monster - wait is this just Twilight again? Different man, same problems. Also Charlie is a good dad but once again ruins it by reminding everyone he is a cop.
May 03, 2021
Ep 25 - New Moon Ch 10: Plot, FINALLY!
Cam and Em are both a year older and a year dumber, and they are back to talk more about New Moon. In Chapter 10 we finally get some plot, run into a familiar but unfriendly face, and meet the mysterious giant bear(s). We also talk about mono, peppa pig, the monstrous feminine, and Jacob's wolf form being dummy thicc.
April 19, 2021
Ep 24 - New Moon Ch 9: Sweaty Swamp Hands
It's ARIES SEASON!!! Welcome back for a chapter filled with awkward encounters and secondhand embarrassment - that's right, it's chapter 9 of New Moon! Once again we find ourselves asking when will Mike stop as we tread the swampy grounds of this movie theatre scene. We chat about our own worst moments throwing up, officially convert to Team Jacob, and, of course: reminder to stream Montero (Call Me By Your Name) by Lil Nas X!
April 05, 2021
EP 23 - New Moon Ch 8: Sam Uley T-Posing in the Background
Once again we are asking for Bella to get some help. Chapter 8 takes us through a lesson on motorcycle parts, Cam simping for shirtless Jacob, and a 5 minute quest to figure out how a compass and grid pattern might work.
March 22, 2021
Ep 22 - New Moon Ch 7: Straights on Thin Fucking Ice
In episode 22 we cover Chapter 7 of New Moon: Repetition. There's a lot to unpack in this episode: primarily learning that Emily doesn't know how to make Lasagna, when god, WHEN will Mike stop, and secret culty werewolf lore maybe? We also briefly turn into a Maximum Ride podcast and learn the deep lore about what really made Cameron queer.
March 08, 2021
Ep 21 - New Moon Ch 6: Bella's Dump Truck Ass
Join us as we cover chapter 6 and delve into why we are now Team Jacob, Bella's depression and why Emily is so fragile she teared up three times in this chapter. Sometimes its just nice for people to have nice things in their life and we feel that way about this chapter.
February 22, 2021
Ep 20 - New Moon Ch 5: Billy is a Dance Mom
Somebody please get Bella some therapy!!! Or she can just be a bad bitch and get a motorcycle. Basically the same thing, right? Thank you to Jacob Black and Jacob Black only for being a likeable character and 6 foot 5.
February 08, 2021
Ep 19 - New Moon Ch 4: The Return of the Filler
In which we somehow spend an hour talking about a 25 page chapter where almost nothing happens except for Bella being depressed and reckless. We sincerely apologizing for not making any 'waking up to ash and dust' jokes from the title of this chapter, and will try harder next time to correct similar errors.
January 25, 2021
Ep 18 - New Moon Ch 3: Real F*ckboi Hours
Enjoy what is essentially an hour long rant about Edward Cullen being trash and MEN DON'T BE LIKE THIS! We might have shed a real actual emotional tear.
January 11, 2021
Ep 17 - New Moon Chs. 1+2: Oh lore?
New book time!! Em's cat Fergus has many cameos, we discuss once again just how hot and good Carlisle and Alice are, and Cam continues to realize just how different real vampire lore is from Sims vampire lore. TW: In depth talk of suicide, timestamps 28:18-34:39.
December 14, 2020
Unbitten Episode 16: Twilight Movie Part 3
The finale episode of Twilight! Baseball scene, the weird acrobatics of the ballet studio fight, and questionable 2000s fashion! Thanks again to our guest Lauren for sitting through 3 hours of recording with us
November 30, 2020
Unbitten Episode 15: Twilight Movie Part 2
Simp city 2: electric boogaloo aka Twilight movie pt. 2 with special guest Lauren!
November 16, 2020
Unbitten Episode 14: Twilight Movie Part 1
Finally it is here! Part one of delving into the movie universe of Twilight and the epitome of Robert Pattinson simping. Joining us for these movie episodes is special guest, our friend, Lauren! We did the thing we promised. We played the Twilight drinking game while watching and recorded drunk.... You're welcome?? Also announcing our new patreon! 
November 03, 2020
Unbitten Episode 13: Twilight Epilogue
We cap off the Twilight book by talking about prom for half the episode, and then Cameron has a coughing fit. Don't worry, she lives! But will Bella live through a school dance? Find out in this episode of Unbitten.
October 19, 2020
Unbitten Episode 12: Twilight Ch. 23 and 24
The end is near, chapters 23 and 24 with the good angst, heart monitor shenanigans and questions of Edward's sexual prowess.
October 03, 2020
Unbitten Episode 11: Twilight Ch. 21 and 22
In chapters 21 and 22, we finally have real plot! It's a truly exciting time! Also, Warrior Cats, again.
September 12, 2020
Unbitten Episode 10: Twilight Ch. 19 and 20
Join Cameron and Emily in such wonderings as: Can you ferment blood? Can bears turn into vampire bears? It's chapters 19 and 20 of Twilight!
August 29, 2020
Unbitten Episode 9: Twilight Ch. 17 and 18
WE HAVE NEW MICROPHONES!!!! Oh, and also, sh*t hits the fan.
August 23, 2020
Unbitten Episode 8: Twilight Ch. 15 and 16
Chapters 15 and 16 take us on a journey to the Cullen house. ....Wait how old is Daddy Carlisle?! 
August 14, 2020
Unbitten Episode 7: Twilight Ch. 13 and 14
Finally the meadow scene and sparkly boy! It's chapters 13 and 14 of Twilight. Join us in hotly debated Milk Discourse, the mechanics of Vampire sex, and is Edward choking Bella? It's Unbitten episode 7!
August 08, 2020
Unbitten Episode 6: Twilight Ch. 11 and 12
Closet door drama, The 1997 film Gattaca and sexual tension, and more questionable chapter titles. Join Cameron and Emily on chapters 11 and 12 of Twilight!
August 01, 2020
Unbitten Episode 5: Twilight Ch. 9 and 10
This week we discuss chapters 9 and 10 of Twilight and discover who is the "can math gay" and who is the "can't math gay". One thing is for sure and that is S. Meyer can't math at all. 
July 25, 2020
Unbitten Episode 4: Twilight Ch. 7 and 8
Join us as we talk about Chapters 7 and 8 of Twilight. 
July 18, 2020
Unbitten Episode 3: Twilight Ch. 5 and 6
Blood typing OMG and... Jacob is THAT young? 
July 11, 2020
Unbitten Episode 2: Twilight Ch. 3 and 4
We hit up chapters 3 and 4. We are snarky as usual. There are Warrior Cats references and a killer Snape impression. It's Unbitten Episode two!
July 02, 2020
Unbitten Episode 1: Twilight Ch. 1 and 2
In this first episode of our new podcast, join Cameron (first time reader) and Emily (long time fan) in reading Twilight chapters 1 and 2.
July 02, 2020