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Unbitten: A Journey Through the Twilight Saga

Unbitten: A Journey Through the Twilight Saga

By Twilight

One of us has never read Twilight before, and the other is a self-proclaimed expert. Join us in taking a bite out of Twilight for the first time (or come back for your 17th time!) as we go chapter by chapter through the series.
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Ep 57 - Eclipse Ch. 17: Joe's Basement

Unbitten: A Journey Through the Twilight SagaSep 05, 2022

00:00
45:53
Ep 87 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 29-30: Mary Sue Cullen

Ep 87 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 29-30: Mary Sue Cullen

Juicy plot in this episode! We read chapters 29 and 30 of Breaking Dawn and start unravelling what reason Alice might have had to leave the Cullens with no warning. Bella is... Smart? And now it is time for goo goo gaga special baby zone with Renesmee meeting the extended fam. What is up with her specialness and why does everyone love this little demon baby so much?

Mar 19, 202401:13:48
Ep 86 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 27-28: Happy Jasper

Ep 86 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 27-28: Happy Jasper

We cover chapters 27 and 28 today with such excitement of Alice breaking a vase and Em breaking a Cam. Jasper enjoys being happy :) After a timeskip of all the happy peaceful vampire times, shit hits the fan and Cam makes some predictions about what will happen next.

Mar 04, 202401:02:53
Ep 85 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 25-26: Baja Blasted

Ep 85 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 25-26: Baja Blasted

For chapters 25-26 of Breaking Dawn, Em and Cam dutifully and viciously rant and rave about Jacob making himself yet again a PROBLEM. Time to isekai in to kill this man and end all of our collective suffering. Take a drink every time Emmett makes a sex comment!

Feb 19, 202401:11:49
Ep 84 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 23-24: The Renesmee Period

Ep 84 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 23-24: The Renesmee Period

In this episode of Unbitten we cover chapters 23 and 24 of Breaking Dawn and really just rant almost the entire time. Listen. We're already tired of Jacob's claim over Renesmee and we just want Bella to hold her OWN DAMN BABY! And maybe??? Edward could too? For once, Bella's birthday goes well and she likes her present. All it took was some good sex. Also answer our fun little poll and we'll read your responses next time!

Feb 05, 202401:10:53
Ep 83 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 21+22: Loch Ness Monster

Ep 83 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 21+22: Loch Ness Monster

WE ARE BACK FOR THE NEW YEAR! In this episode we cover chapters 21 and 22 of Breaking Dawn. We are loving Bella's intro to vampirism! For once she is hot, she is free, she is completely right about everything always, we love to see it. Hating on Jacob is back in fashion again AND Cam gets to read top tier iconic line.

Jan 09, 202401:17:20
Ep. 82 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 19+20: Shrimp Colours

Ep. 82 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 19+20: Shrimp Colours

In this episode of Unbitten, Cameron and Emily lose their minds! Breaking Dawn chapters 19 and 20, back in Bella's head again and so many questions we want to ask. At least Bella is immediately horny again!

Dec 04, 202301:03:48
Ep 81 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 18: How to Milk a Vampire

Ep 81 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 18: How to Milk a Vampire

Chapter 18 of Breaking Dawn aka It's BABY TIME. The most horrific chapter yet, gore and blood and trauma all wrapped up in a little demon baby bundle. But most importantly, how do you milk a vampire?

Nov 13, 202301:05:47
Ep 80 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 16+17: Unbitten, Uncut and Unloaded

Ep 80 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 16+17: Unbitten, Uncut and Unloaded

WE'RE BACK AFTER A SHORT BREAK. Come on we're not actually ending the podcast early. In this episode of Unbitten we are covering chapters 16 and 17, in which Leah is amazing and we are absolutely shipping her with Jacob, then Edward hears baby thoughts and Jacob has to drive away to go be creepy in a park.

Oct 30, 202301:22:12
Ep 79 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 14+15: End of the Podcast

Ep 79 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 14+15: End of the Podcast

We cover chapters 14 and 15 of Breaking Dawn in this episode aka the Blonde Joke era. Jacob is a hilarious narrator actually, and Rosalie and Bella are delulu about this baby. Em is triggered about chromosomes again.

Sep 25, 202301:11:18
Ep 78 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 12+13: Concept of Unwelcome

Ep 78 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 12+13: Concept of Unwelcome

In this episode of Unbitten we cover chapters 12 and 13 of Breaking Dawn where we are so so so excited to have Leah join the pack. Justice for Leah Clearwater! Enjoy a rant about chromosomes, Bella getting her blood sippy on, and of course, every bit of Seth that we can get.

Twitter: https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Sep 13, 202301:11:45
Ep 77 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 10+11: Don't Piss and Tell

Ep 77 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 10+11: Don't Piss and Tell

In this episode of Unbitten, we cover chapters 10 and 11 of Breaking Dawn. In other words it's where things really start getting FUN! Jacob tries to convince Bella not to have her demon spawn, we ask logistical questions about vampires all raising a human baby if she were to have a normal baby instead, and then Jacob AND SETH LEAVE THE WOLF PACK. Look we just love Seth okay.

Twitter: https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Aug 28, 202351:22
Ep 76 - Breaking Dawn Ch 8+9: Furry Allegations

Ep 76 - Breaking Dawn Ch 8+9: Furry Allegations

In this episode we cover chapter 8 and 9 of Book 2 of Breaking Dawn. IT'S JACOB TIME. Where the chapter titles are finally interesting and you can feel the icky teen boy oozing off every thought in his head. We get a close up look with Quil hanging out with his child bride as well as Bella and her gross pregnancy.

Aug 14, 202301:04:54
Ep 75 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 6+7: Pro Choice Edward

Ep 75 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 6+7: Pro Choice Edward

In these final two chapters of Book 1 of Breaking Dawn, Cameron and Emily talk way too much about vomit on account of Bella's vomiting (sorry). We have some headboard breaking and some sex dream crying in these chapters, haven't we all been there before? If only those fade to blacks weren't so faded.

Jul 31, 202301:08:48
Ep 74 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 5: The Birds, The Bees, and The Bruises

Ep 74 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 5: The Birds, The Bees, and The Bruises

ITS THAT CHAPTER. Post sex sulking Edward. The bliss of Bella and the cringe of Edward. The mormon sex talks. One of those episodes where we really get into the religious bias in how they talk about sex.

Jul 18, 202301:02:53
Ep 73 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 4: Camstains

Ep 73 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 4: Camstains

Coming to you FROM THE SAME HOME it's us! In this very special episode, Cam travels all the way to visit Em, just to talk more about these silly books. Chapter 4 sees a happy Bella at her wedding, and an unhappy Jacob who proved once again he can't be trusted to be chill. It's sad, it's angering, and it's kind of sweet? Still confused that this book keeps managing to be decent (we have a low bar).

Twitter: https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Jun 21, 202353:41
Ep 72 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 2+3: Do Vampires Tuck

Ep 72 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 2+3: Do Vampires Tuck

Today we cover both chapter 2 and 3 of Breaking Dawn. The chapters in which Edward has to go to a bachelor party while Bella thinks about bloodthirsty vampire babies and has more incredibly specific dreams, and also in which Bella gets ready to be married and then does in fact get married. Cameron questions deeper about vampire biology, and Emily is here with very "helpful" answers. Readers and listeners alike want to know! How do those dicks work!

Twitter: https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Jun 05, 202301:04:01
Ep 71 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 1: Grapefruit Method

Ep 71 - Breaking Dawn Ch. 1: Grapefruit Method

WELCOME TO BREAKING DAWN. The beginning of the end of the saga. In this exciting episode we get into why... Stephenie Meyer wrote a good chapter for once? From discussions of Bella's absurd "before" car to excitement for that honeymoon, this episode sure is a ride.


Thank you to our editor Edward's Hairball (aka Emily)

Twitter: https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod


May 22, 202352:22
Ep 70 - Eclipse Movie: Everyone Deserves a Gay Homophobe
May 08, 202301:57:32
Ep 69 - Bree Tanner pt 2: Maybe We're Both Stupid!

Ep 69 - Bree Tanner pt 2: Maybe We're Both Stupid!

Cam and Em return once again for more Bree Tanner. We continue to discover how much better S Meyer is at writing shorter books, we begin to stan Fred, and, as always, we question our sanity.

Thank you to our editor, Emily (Hairball)!!

Twitter: https://twitter.com/unbittenpod

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Apr 17, 202301:27:15
Ep. 68 - Bree Tanner pt 1: Squishy Cells

Ep. 68 - Bree Tanner pt 1: Squishy Cells

In this episode we cover the first half of the Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. While questioning Stephenie Meyer's ability to write teenagers, we also sit in shock at how this book is somehow... BETTER? If only all her novels were forced to be novellas. Also vampire kissing is WEIRD!

Mar 27, 202301:05:55
Ep 67 - Eclipse Ch. 27 and Epilogue: Let's Finish This Thing!

Ep 67 - Eclipse Ch. 27 and Epilogue: Let's Finish This Thing!

Em and Cam are eternally relieved to finally finish another installment of The Twilight Saga! We wrap up this third book with the closest thing SM will get to spice, releasing Alice upon the world of wedding planning, and Jacob's most emo moment yet. Strap in, besties.

Thanks to our editor Edward's Hairball for their help in making this podcast as unhinged as possible!

https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod

https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Feb 27, 202301:14:08
Ep 66 - Eclipse Ch 26: Paging Dr. Fang

Ep 66 - Eclipse Ch 26: Paging Dr. Fang

On this episode of Unbitten we discuss Chapter 26 of Eclipse. We are so very tired of Jacob and his manipulation and Bella and her guilt. In fact we seem to be pretty tired of this book now that the action is over as we kept trying to talk about anything OTHER than the book.

Thanks to our editor Edward's Hairball as always for managing our chaos and adding their own chaos!
https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod
https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Feb 13, 202301:07:45
Ep 65 - Eclipse Ch 25: Vampire Flavored Incense

Ep 65 - Eclipse Ch 25: Vampire Flavored Incense

In a characteristically Stephanie Meyer moment, this book continues to place all its drama in the last 4 chapters. One of our favs (or least favs) is hurt, we get a visit from some old friends from last book, and we commit some arson. We also discuss the lack of proper stakes, Bella's fainting problem, and Victoria's overall plot. Plus, we get a sneak peek into what we'll be reading next!!

Jan 31, 202353:26
Ep 64 - Eclipse Ch 24: Milk Bags and Marbles

Ep 64 - Eclipse Ch 24: Milk Bags and Marbles

We are back at it again with more Eclipse! We get into the crazy stuff today, including a final confrontation with a long-established villain, Bella's main character syndrome, and... rocks.

Jan 13, 202301:17:25
Ep 63 - Eclipse Ch. 23: Everyone Sucks but Seth

Ep 63 - Eclipse Ch. 23: Everyone Sucks but Seth

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it's time to listen to an episode where everyone makes bad decisions! We get very angry at Bella and even more angry at Jacob. He really has the audacity.
Timestamps for talking about suicide: 47:01 - 50:33
Thanks to our editor Edward's Hairball as always for managing our chaos and adding their own chaos!
https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod
https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Dec 26, 202201:08:13
Ep 62 - Eclipse Ch. 22: The Adventures of Icy Hot

Ep 62 - Eclipse Ch. 22: The Adventures of Icy Hot

After a bit of a break due to scheduling issues, Em and Cam return for chapter 22 of Eclipse! We discuss jealousy between bros, ponder Jacob's possible foot fetish and confirmed weird fantasies, and return to our roots by dunking on S Meyer's horrible writing abilities.

Dec 13, 202248:13
Ep 61 - Eclipse Ch. 21: Jacob is a Boner Killer

Ep 61 - Eclipse Ch. 21: Jacob is a Boner Killer

In chapter 21 of Eclipse, we are unhappy to report that Alice behaves badly with guilt tripping over the wedding. Edward takes Bella on a little walk through the woods while she wipes her hands on things and then her open wound on trees and stuff, how cute! Also Jacob is back with all his audacity and no one is happy about it!
Thanks as always to our wonderful editor, Edward's Hairball. We love you!
https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod
https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod 

Nov 14, 202251:31
Ep 60 - Eclipse Ch 20: Cam Gets Cancelled

Ep 60 - Eclipse Ch 20: Cam Gets Cancelled

Chapter 20 of Eclipse aka the sexy times chapter (almost) where things get as spicy as they can get for a Mormon-written novel. Truly some unhinged nonsense in this one besties we are just out here saying shit. Rip to Cam though she's cancelled so podcast over now I guess. We had a good run. 

Thanks as always to our wonderful editor, Edward's Hairball. We love you!
https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod
https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Oct 31, 202255:18
Ep 59 - Eclipse Ch. 19: Poptarts are Forever!

Ep 59 - Eclipse Ch. 19: Poptarts are Forever!

Hoo boy! The girls are back with more Twilight fun! Join us as we explore Bella and Edward making a compromise, the absolute DRAMA that is the wolf pack, and the potential for steamy times in a glass house.

Oct 18, 202256:29
Ep 58 - Eclipse Ch. 18 Jasper Finally Matters

Ep 58 - Eclipse Ch. 18 Jasper Finally Matters

Cam survived her illness so we're finally back with a new episode covering a fun chapter of vampire fighting tactics. Who knew Jasper would suddenly become relevant 3 books into the series and 75% through the book.

Thanks as always to our wonderful editor, Edward's Hairball. We love you!

https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod
https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Oct 03, 202257:19
Ep 57 - Eclipse Ch. 17: Joe's Basement

Ep 57 - Eclipse Ch. 17: Joe's Basement

In chapter 17 of Eclipse we discuss the AUDACITY of Jacob to even show up to this party. Cam makes some more predictions regarding this vampire army. Stay tuned to the very very end of the episode for a delight to your ears.

Edited by the wonderful Edward's Hairball, a patron and member of our discord server.
https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod
https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Sep 05, 202245:53
Ep 56 - Eclipse Ch. 16: Roach Wars

Ep 56 - Eclipse Ch. 16: Roach Wars

Starting off with a bang for chapter 16 which is funny to say for such an uninteresting chapter. We mostly complain about the pacing because who cares about graduation we certainly don't! However, very important comeback for our fave khaki skirt and we have to also commend Edward for continuing to improve as a person and we get another apology from him. Important plot information is revealed as Bella connects the dots we all connected like five chapters ago.

Edited by the wonderful Edward's Hairball, a patron and member of our discord server.
https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod
https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Aug 15, 202244:55
Ep 55 - Eclipse Ch 15: Jacob is the WORST

Ep 55 - Eclipse Ch 15: Jacob is the WORST

Trigger warning: Talk of sexual assault throughout the episode.

Join us in episode 55 of Unbitten: Jacob is the WORST aka CHEEKS OUT PISSIN! In this episode, we discuss just how horrid Jacob is in his attempts to win Bella, marvel at Edward's restraint, and take a stand against Charlie once and for all.

Edited by the wonderful Edward's Hairball, a patron and member of our discord server.

Aug 01, 202201:10:48
Ep 54 - Eclipse Ch 14: Deplatform Us

Ep 54 - Eclipse Ch 14: Deplatform Us

For this week's episode we answer some patron AMAs, then try to dig into what is one of the worst chapters of the book so far because Stephenie Meyer can't write. Have we mentioned we don't think she can write? Enjoy such conversation discussions as how to break a femur, why can't vampires just drink blood bags, and how we feel about Jacob's confession at the end of the chapter.

https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod
https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Jul 18, 202258:36
Ep 53 - Eclipse Ch 13: Piss Man Backstory

Ep 53 - Eclipse Ch 13: Piss Man Backstory

Join Em and Cam as we explore Chapter 13 of Eclipse! In this episode, we explore Jasper’s backstory, with all its weird and problematic twists and turns. Also, air conditioner troubles, googling Stephanie Meyer’s place of birth, and more!

Jul 04, 202201:02:19
Ep 52 - Eclipse Ch 12: Sour Cream

Ep 52 - Eclipse Ch 12: Sour Cream

After a short break we are back and RECORDING IN THE SAME ROOM with live studio audience - Em's girlfriend (perhaps kidnapped and held hostage to finally listen to an episode). This episode covers chapter 12 of Eclipse in which we surprisingly see some good communication between Bella and Edward and Cameron makes some predictions on Jasper's backstory. We also happened to get a little tipsy, talk about sexual health (we aren't doctors!), and take a dive into the world of True Crime in the middle of the podcast!

https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod
https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Jun 20, 202201:31:19
Ep 51 - Eclipse Ch 11: Dismembered Vampire Dick

Ep 51 - Eclipse Ch 11: Dismembered Vampire Dick

This is the episode where we get all the old Quileute legends and how the werewolves came to be. More importantly though, this is the episode where S. Meyer's racism shows once again (yaaaay.....). Magical spirit warriors vs potato head vampires who will win? Also just a reminder once again THIS PODCAST IS EXPLICIT. What else can you do with dismembered cold vampire parts? If only this book wasn't written by a Mormon. Also don't forget gentle listeners, even vampire sex requires ongoing consent!

https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod
https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod 

May 23, 202256:24
Ep 50 - Eclipse Ch 10: Kristen Stewart on a Motorcycle

Ep 50 - Eclipse Ch 10: Kristen Stewart on a Motorcycle

Welcome back to Unbitten! Join Em and Cam as they simp over Kristen Stewart, make fun of Bella for having no hobbies, and question how Jacob managed to stab himself with a knife. 

May 09, 202201:01:14
Ep 49 - Eclipse Ch 9: Target Haul

Ep 49 - Eclipse Ch 9: Target Haul

After a break for ~Aries Season~ we are back with another episode covering Chapter 9 of Eclipse. In this episode we discuss how Charlie is losing his status as one of our faves and his learned helplessness in taking care of the house. Cam make's some predictions about who snuck into Bella's room and then we revel in how amazing it has been to see some actual positive character development in Edward. Also Jacob apologizes!

https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod
https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod

Apr 25, 202246:25
Ep 48 - Eclipse Ch 8: Magically Assigned Predator

Ep 48 - Eclipse Ch 8: Magically Assigned Predator

In this episode of Unbitten, we get the fun (discomfort) of discussing imprinting in more depth because the Quil and Claire thing happened. It's grooming, people! Lock these dogs up we say! We also see the end of Cam's Team Jacob allegiance as he says some pretty awful things out of jealousy and hatred. This chapter is so juicy guys. Horny? In my mormon vampire series? It's more likely than you think! We get men apologizing, we get making out, we get Edward character development. Wow. 

Mar 28, 202252:01
Ep 47 - Eclipse Ch 7: Rosalie's Girlboss Moment

Ep 47 - Eclipse Ch 7: Rosalie's Girlboss Moment

Today we cover a heavy but interesting chapter! TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual assault, physical violence, r*pe -- time stamps: 22:15-30:00. Em and Cam discuss Rosalie's tragic backstory and badass revenge, Cam's drunken adventures, and weird sexist author moments. A classic twilight chapter.....

Mar 14, 202201:00:20
Ep 46 - Eclipse Ch 6: Piss Bottles

Ep 46 - Eclipse Ch 6: Piss Bottles

In this episode of Unbitten Cam and Em talk romance and dating advice vis a vis blood pendants. Also, once again, who is Austin? It's no surprise we're mad at Edward this chapter but we feel the Alice betrayal big time, and oops we talk about piss again sorry xoxo enjoy. Of course we also discuss the SEXY BED.

Feb 28, 202248:10
Ep 45 - Eclipse Ch 5: Hiddies, Widdies, and Ciddies

Ep 45 - Eclipse Ch 5: Hiddies, Widdies, and Ciddies

In this episode, Em and Cam discuss chapter five of Eclipse, which includes some CRAZY new lore, a wild Sam x Emily origin story, and another Bella temper tantrum. Also, we answer patron AMAs, discuss the weird sexualization of female animals in animated movies, and talk about our old lady joints, despite both of us being in our 20s.

Feb 15, 202201:00:17
Ep 44 - Eclipse Ch 4: What that Vussy Do?
Jan 31, 202249:10
Ep 43 - Eclipse Ch 3: Edward's Hairball

Ep 43 - Eclipse Ch 3: Edward's Hairball

We are back after the holidays with Chapter 3 of Eclipse, where we talk about Jacob's height (again), Edward acting like a cat in more ways than one, and many other things ranging from serious to hysterical. Also, as always, minecraft, sims, and other nerd shit.

Twitter: https://twitter.com/UnbittenPod

Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/unbittenpod

Jan 17, 202259:47
Ep 42 - Eclipse Ch 2: Marble Statue Fetish

Ep 42 - Eclipse Ch 2: Marble Statue Fetish

Jumping into chapter 2 of Eclipse this week, we are right back to being mad at the men in Bella's life. Cam makes some predictions about Alice's secret prediction and Em offers alternatives to making out with Edward - perhaps a flagpole instead? Once again we question Vampire anatomy and struggle to imagine a rock hard flaccid dick. Have we mentioned this podcast is rated Explicit? Also redemption for Cam as Edward and Bella finally talk about those damn Jacksonville tickets. 

Dec 20, 202156:09
Ep 41 - Eclipse Preface and Ch 1: Bella Deals With Man-Pain
Dec 06, 202157:57
Ep 40 - New Moon Movie: Daddy Sorry Daddy Sorry Ft. Goblet of Wine

Ep 40 - New Moon Movie: Daddy Sorry Daddy Sorry Ft. Goblet of Wine

After finishing the book at last we finally get to watch the movie for New Moon! Joining us for this special movie episode are Charlie and Hannah from Goblet of Wine (A drunken Harry Potter podcast). While thirsting for every daddy in this movie we also question Edward's waxing routine, judge the vampires' foundation, and discover (expose) Jasper's secret piss kink. Be prepared for some Taylor Lautner simping and an educational description of what 'soaking' is.

If you enjoyed Charlie and Hannah be sure to check out Goblet of Wine podcast:
https://twitter.com/GobletOfWinePod

Nov 22, 202101:21:17
Ep 39 - New Moon Ch 24 and Epilogue: Edward like, REALLY sucks
Nov 08, 202101:02:50
Ep. 38 - New Moon Ch 23: Call Your Friend a MILF

Ep. 38 - New Moon Ch 23: Call Your Friend a MILF

If you wanted us to yell about Edward for almost an entire episode then this is it! From so called apologies, to weird guilt tripping we are HERE to call out the bullshit. If Edward was a real person he would be the one making notes app twitter apologies left and right. We do some unpacking of Bella’s fear of turning 30 and Cam makes some predictions about the end of the book.

Oct 18, 202101:01:55