Sarah and Shawn met at Microsoft; they shook hands and Sarah heart sparked. They married in 1997, began building their community, and shared incredible adventures. In 2001, they had a child, Carson, who completed their family of three. Carson was their focus; Sarah and Shawn were deeply committed to their family and partnership. Love was rippling and flowing.

It was Father’s Day 2015, and Shawn wanted to celebrate a meal out with his family. Shawn excused himself from the table and did not return. Sarah and Carson found him collapsed in the restaurant’s entryway. Placed in the ambulance, Shawn was declared clinically dead and rushed to the ER. The medical team worked endlessly to resuscitate Shawn; however, at some point, Sarah felt that Shawn was no longer present. “Please, just let him go,” Sarah requested.

Returning home, Sarah found women and children from her community waiting for her. They spent the day sitting with, supporting, and loving Sarah and Carson. Sarah was in awe of their kindness, generosity, and support.

Sarah’s biggest fear after Shawn’s death was financial security. A stay-at-home parent for 14 years, Sarah worried over supporting her family. She wondered could she keep their house, could she get health insurance, life insurance? Sarah desperately misses her partnership with Shawn, their companionship, and laughter. She longs for having that special person who knows her inside and out and who sees and loves all of her.

Sarah’s immediate concern and highest priority after Shawn died was Carson. To fully support Carson, Sarah knew that she needed to be healthy in body and spirit. Therapy and parental support were key to Sarah’s journey forward. And in turn, Carson was Sarah’s source of strength. Carson has been Sarah’s anchor. Now a solo empty nester, Sarah needs to find a new anchor; one she knows resides within herself. With Carson launched, it’s time for Sarah to focus on herself. With no one to take care of, she’s launched the next chapter of personal journey and is discovering what brings her joy and purpose.

Carson started high school just weeks after Shawn’s death. In shock, Carson didn’t reveal their father’s death to anyone. Despite being in a supportive, loving community, it wasn’t until years later that Carson opened up and talked about Shawn’s death. Watching Carson at graduation, Sarah felt a sense of freedom in recognizing Carson’s growth, skills, and awareness; Carson was joyful and living their life fully.

“Worst club ever. Welcome.” is how Sarah greets her grieving dead-spouse/partner acquaintances. The trauma club is the worst club to be in. However, many gifts come from trauma. From trauma came compassion, insight, and resilience. Sarah’s learned how to ask for and receive help. She’s discovered her strength, courage, self-compassion.

The women who lost and grieved before her and were willing to share their stories were (and are) Sarah’s inspiration. Not only were they a source of valuable information, Sarah saw these women thriving, living full lives filled with joy, kindness, and self-compassion. These women represented possibility. Seeing someone else down this not-asked-for path, gave Sarah hope.

Resources

Grief group counseling Contra Costa County Crisis Center

Widow/Widower social support Soaring Spirits

Financial advisor Ryan Baker
Therapist specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Comedy: W. Kamau Bell, Jimmy Gaffigan, Fortune Fiemster, Mike Birbiglia

Brené Brown

Podcasts:Terrible, Thanks for Askingand Unexpected Launch

Ep 17. Merf’s Story: How Does it Feel When No-one Wants To See You Or Wants You To Show Up?

An Unexpected LaunchBy Kirsten DuncanMar 22, 2020