WHEN DATING HURTS

J.D. McCabe maintained a loving relationship with his wife for nearly twenty years before their marriage, family, and world began to crumble. Their foundation had been rooted in "trust is the bedrock of a healthy relationship". Indeed, Erin had always claimed that things wouldn’t — couldn’t — work without trust.

But Erin became suspicious of his every move. His phone calls, texts, and work emails were turned into proof of infidelity, drug addiction, and a network of lies on his part.

She enlisted her mother in her efforts, and together they forged the words of family, trust and honesty beat him into the ground. Their accusations accumulated, twisting reality, and eventually resulting in Danny's involuntary hospitalization.

Listen to J.D.'s story. You will not be able to guess where it goes or how he survived. 

You can read J.D. McCabe's full story in his memoir, "The Third Gift: My Dance with the Devil (and Her Mother)"

From a very early age, Victorea Luminary and her father were abused by her alcoholic mother. Finally free from decades of abuse, she innocently ran into even more trouble with two different relationships with narcissists. One was her husband; the other a man she thought was going to become her savior.

In vivid detail, Victorea tells of the ways she was lured into these insidious relationships. She explains how narcissists manipulate their prey. With sheer determination, she was able to break free from each man to become the powerful woman and survivor she is today. Learn from Victorea as she takes us some of the scariest experiences imaginable. 

To find out more about the good works of Victorea Luminary, head to https://takebackyourpowernow.com/

I get a lot of questions via email, Facebook, Instagram, and before and after speeches. I felt it a good idea to answer them for you in this episode.

If you have questions or thoughts you 'd like to share, reach me at: BillMitchell@WhenDatingHurts.com. 

Hi Everyone,
This episode is a repeat of the first one in the series. I wanted to remind listeners why we created this podcast.

I lost my daughter in 2005 when she was murdered by her ex-boyfriend after she was breaking up with him. Something like that stays with you for a lifetime. It was 17 years ago and feels like yesterday.

Since 2005, I wrote a book about what happened with Kristin and gave it the same name as this podcast: WHEN DATING HURTS. That is also the name of all of the speeches I have given over the years. The WHEN DATING HURTS book came out as a paperback. Then an e-book. And lastly, an audiobook. The idea has always been that we learned many important insights about how to detect unhealthy relationships, and what to do to break free safely. We felt it our responsibility to share what we had learned. 

So, therefore, the podcast series. The wonderful thing about podcasts is I can record one, edit it and share it all in the same day. I could not do that with a book. 

I hope you listen to some of the episodes in this podcast series. There are 40 in all. I would love for you to share these with those you know who have children in high school or college. Consider this fact: one and three women will suffer serious physical harm from an intimate partner during their lifetimes. It typically happens between the ages of 16 and 24, but can happen to any woman at any age. It is shocking. 

Thank you for listening to this. I hope you subscribe to this WHEN DATING HURTS series.

This time, I speak with Tony Lapp, the Executive Director at Courdea. Tony is also an experienced trainer, educator, writer, and therapist.
Courdea is serving the Philadelphia area by providing a thorough treatment program for abusers and harmful partners (who are mainly men—but can also be women). Courdea offers training, consultation, group therapy, trauma-focused therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and independent general therapy. 

This organization sprang forth from the idea of getting to the root of relationship abuse. It’s all about treating the person who is doing the hurting with respect and warmth. Courdea’s tagline is” “Helping people become safe partners”.
You can contact Courdea today at https://www.courdea.org/

"Sara" is a domestic violence survivor. She is also my cousin.

Sara appeared to be in a perfect marriage. A nice home and three healthy boys. But her ex-husband eventually devolved into a serial abuser. She did all she could to coerce him into getting help, but nothing seemed to work. When living with this man became dangerous, she needed to break free. 

Listen to a narrative of patience and courage. Sara took years before she could tell her story. We applaud her for sharing it with us on the WHEN DATING HURTS podcast.  

Susan Saurman and I met in early 2021 when we traded emails soon after she read my book. She told me her upbringing was in a home made terrifying by domestic violence perpetrated by her cruel tyrannical father. 

In this WHEN DATING HURTS episode, you will hear Susan describe her young life of abuse and tragedy. She describes an abusive upbringing, paralyzing fear she suffered, and events leading up to the murder of her mother when Susan was 14. Somehow she managed to turn her story into a breathtaking narrative of courage and ascendence. She ultimately found the strength to become the extraordinary survivor she is today.

You will never forget what Susan tells us. You can read Susan's entire story in her newly published memoir, The Courage I Learned. Find it in paperback and ebook on Amazon. 

Scott Johnson is the host of What Was That Like. His podcast is one of the most-followed podcasts in the country with more than 20,000 downloads per month!

It is quite an honor to be able to tell our daughter's story on Scott's powerful podcast. He is an excellent interviewer; you will hear it yourself here.

For more information about the What Was That Like podcast, here's Scott's website: https://whatwasthatlike.com/. 

Elaine is a domestic abuse survivor. She met the man she would later marry in a senior chemistry class in high school. They dated on and off in college. They were married during her senior year.

The entire time she was either dating or married to this man, there were ever-present warning signs indicating the unhealthiness of this partnership. In spite of the Treatment she received, Elaine pressed on trying to be a good wife. Like so many of these kinds of relationships, the abusive behavior became more frequent, more physical, and more extreme. 

Elaine was married to "Doug" for over 20 years. Their two children were born and raised within a household of turbulence. 

Today, with great courage, Elaine will tell you what it was like to know and be tethered to this man. Hers is a cautionary tale that if something feels wrong, it is wrong. Then do something. 

You can start by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE and ask for guidance. 

This is a short episode but it includes a couple of questions for you about dating violence. Plus, we added two more chapters from the WHEN DATING HURTS audiobook which will be released soon on Amazon and Audible. We are in final editing. I wish we could move faster.

As we enter 2022, please think about putting a real emphasis on learning the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. You can google them online, or consider picking up a copy of the WHEN DATING HURTS book on Amazon. Not a big investment when it can make such a difference in someone's life. 

If you know someone who's a survivor of dating (or domestic) violence, someone who wants to tell her (or his) story on this podcast, please contact me at BillMitchell@WhenDatingHurts.com. We have been told our survivor stories are the most helpful episodes we have created. 

I was honored to appear on the Midday Show on WYPR which is hosted by Tom Hall. WYPR 88.1 FM is a local news station for NPR in Baltimore. 

From WYPR's website:
Tom's guest, is Bill Mitchell. For the past 16 years, he has been a passionate advocate for victims of domestic violence. He is the author of a book called When Dating Hurts: What We Learned About Dating Violence After Our Daughter’s Tragic Death, in which he shares the tragic story of his daughter Kristin's murder in a case of dating violence. 

The WHEN DATING HURTS audiobook will be coming out soon. We are in the final stages of editing. 

On this podcast, you can listen to the first three chapters of WHEN DATING HURTS read by author Bill Mitchell.

You can reach Bill at BillMitchell@WhenDatingHurts.com. 

From time to time, I am fortunate to be asked to be interviewed on someone else's podcast. This is one of those occasions. 

"I Need Blue", hosted by Jen Lee, shares real-life stories of people who have experienced traumatic situations. It's a podcast that supports survivors of violent crimes. It also gives thanks to law enforcement professionals who were there to save the day.

Sheri Kurdakul is a domestic abuse survivor. There is nothing typical about the abuse she suffered. Like many survivors of abuse, her story is challenging to listen to but there is much to be learned from her.

Most survivors I have met tell of the frequent times they were on the receiving end of despicable abuse. But they also speak about the inventive ways they endured and eventually overcame those circumstances. This is one of those stories.

At first, you might feel sorry for Sheri but later you will come to admire and celebrate her courage and desire to rise above. 

This is Sheri's story. 

Laura Clary, BSN, RN, FNE-A/P, SANE-A has been a registered nurse for 11 years. In 2010, she completed her Forensic Nursing training at Greater Baltimore Medical Center and joined the GBMC team as a Forensic Nurse Examiner. She has been the Clinical Program Manager of the GBMC SAFE (Sexual Assault Forensic Examination) & Domestic Violence Program since 2014.

Laura is certified to care for patients who have been victims of sexual assault, rape, child abuse/neglect, intimate partner violence, and human trafficking. Laura obtained her National professional certification as a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner from the International Association of Forensic Nurses in 2013.

Laura is a Board of Nursing approved Forensic Nurse Examiner Instructor and an active member of the International Association of Forensic Nurses, as well as the Maryland Child Abuse Medical Providers (CHAMP), and is Chair of the Baltimore County Sexual Assault Response team.

In May of 2017, she was nationally recognized and was awarded the title of “America’s Most Amazing Nurse” by Prevention Magazine and additionally awarded Baltimore County, Maryland’s Woman of the Year in 2018. 

"Ruth" hoped everything would go perfectly when she met her husband-to-be. It did not. 

She found the weight of their relationship was squarely on her before, during, and after she was married. This was a marriage that eventually included three children—all boys.

In Ruth, you will find a woman who gave it everything, but in her husband's view, she never gave enough. She never lost her desire to do the right thing and try to make her marriage work. I commend her for not giving up no matter what she endured. 

"Gabby" was in an abusive dating relationship when she was in her sophomore year at college. Even though she had dated a man for only two months, his power and control techniques were turned on "full strength".

Gabby's story is a cautionary tale on what can happen when we don't know the warning signs of an unhealthy relationship. She also sheds a bright light on dating apps; something parents and young adults who are dating need to take seriously.

We were fortunate to catch up with Angela Hayde and hear her dating violence story. In captivating detail, she tells what it was like to be dating a young man who was abusive when she was in high school and in college.

In this "on again/off again" relationship, Angela gave her best. You will hear how it began and how it deteriorated. You might ask why she stayed in this. She tell you in this gripping example of modern dating abuse. You will hear how technology played a role in making her nightmare as bad as it was.

Survivors like Angela hold my deepest respect. They face the worst people can do, and now are using their experiences to save others.  

"CausePods" is a podcast series created to raise awareness for the people who create podcasts to better their community, society, and the world. 

The host of "CausePods", Mathew Passy, interviewed me (Bill Mitchell) this time. I appreciated this interview so much, I asked if I could include it on the WHEN DATING HURTS series. Here it is. 

Kathryn Marsh and Melissa Hoppmeyer are prosecutors who specialize in child abuse, sexual assault and domestic violence crimes. They are co-hosts of the thriving "No Grey Zone" podcast, now in season two.

For October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, "No Grey Zone" interviewed Bill Mitchell, author of the When Dating Hurts book and host of the When Dating Hurts podcast.

"Ryan" volunteered to speak with us. We're glad he did. What he says is stunning. This episode will be remembered as one of the most-compelling interviews in our entire WHEN DATING HURTS series. 

I knew parts of Ryan's background, but I didn't know all he'd been through until we spoke. You will hear his full story as you experience and learn from it. I gained such respect for Ryan's courage by hearing about his terrifying ordeal.

Your time invested in listening will be rewarded by seeing how someone who experienced concurrent nightmares was able to pull himself together and find safety. 

Be sure to share this with people you know who need to hear it. Each of us will learn from Ryan. 

Episode 19. Denise Venuto, Dynamic Domestic Violence Counselor

Denise's experiences, both personal and professional, led her to obtain her Master of Science Degree in Clinical Counseling Psychology from Chestnut Hill College in Philadelphia.

In 2018, Denise began a clinical internship with Laurel House then continued working with them as an individual, group and financial counselor. She has offered group counseling for young adults (ages 18-24) who have been affected by intimate partner violence.

Denise is now running a new program called the “Economic Justice and Empowerment Program” that will empower survivors in financial safety and career matters. Financial abuse occurs in 99% of all abusive marriages. A real 99%. 

Denise makes such an informative interview. So glad she wanted to speak with us. 

Episode 18. Nichelle Lynn-Hennigan - Professional Domestic Violence Counselor

I spoke with Nichelle Lynn-Hennigan who is a licensed professional counselor. She joined Laurel House five years ago as a master’s level clinical counseling intern. Today, she is a senior counselor.

During her time with Laurel House, Nichelle has provided counseling services to the women and children in their shelter, and she covered their 24-hour hotline. Currently, Nichelle works out of three different Laurel House sites and oversees two of those locations. In addition to providing individual counseling, Nichelle also facilitates a weekly support group for survivors of domestic violence.

Before coming to Laurel House, for over 12 years, Nichelle had been advocating in the crisis work field with survivors. She was also a hotline crisis worker with Women Organized Against Rape, a crisis worker with Lenape Valley Foundation, and a counselor with the Center for Family Guidance.

Nichelle is a compassionate counselor whose hope is: "That one day all survivors of abuse will be able to find healing—and the tools to cope with the trauma they have endured."

Episode 17. Katie Sanford - Domestic Violence Counselor for Middle Schools, High Schools and College Students

Katie Sanford is an educator with Laurel House, a comprehensive domestic violence agency in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. 

Katie has been in prevention education for 3 years. She's worked with Laurel House for 2 years.

She received her undergraduate degree in Sociology with a minor in Gender Studies from Bloomsburg University in PA—and is currently attending West Chester University (also in PA) to obtain her Master’s in Public Health with a concentration in Community Health.

Katie’s core responsibility is talking with the community—mainly students ranging from middle school to college, about domestic violence. Her passion is to change behaviors and lessen the prevalence of dating violence in the future.

I’m excited to have this opportunity to speak with Katie. What she knows will save the lives of our children. 

Episode 16. Emily McCoy - Professional Domestic Violence Counselor

We hear from Emily McCoy who is a professional counselor working at Laurel House, a domestic violence agency in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania. Laurel House serves individuals, families, and communities throughout Montgomery County, PA.

Emily earned a bachelor’s degree in psychology from West Chester University (PA) and a master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Villanova University (PA). 

She began work at Laurel House in January 2019. After volunteering for a few months, she accepted a position as an individual and support group counselor. 

You can feel Emily's energy throughout this podcast. Her ideas and insights on how to help abused individuals makes this a compelling episode.  

A different kind of an episode this time. I felt like taking a walk and recording my thoughts around the time of the sixteenth anniversary of my daughter's death by dating violence.

I spoke what I was feeling never knowing if I would share this with anyone. I suggest you take a listen.

On this episode of the WHEN DATING HURTS podcast series, I had the honor of speaking with Rosie Santulli.

Rosie has been involved with the Women’s Center of Montgomery County for over ten years. The Women’s Center of Montgomery County is a domestic violence service near Philadelphia.

After a long career as a research scientist in both academia and with Johnson & Johnson, Rosie felt it was time to rediscover herself. She had read a book entitled Half Time by Bob Buford. It focuses on transitioning in the second half of our lives. So, Rosie decided to transition her life from “Success to Significance”.

Due to her passion for women’s issues, Rosie was drawn to the Women’s Center where she became a domestic violence hotline counselor.
She soon moved into additional roles including: facilitating support groups, court accompaniment, outreach and education, peer counseling, and serving as a Board of Directors member. And finally, becoming the Co-President of the Women’s Center Board.

Rosie feels the most gratifying aspect of her volunteer experience at the center is the growth and evolution of survivors who take that difficult first step to contact the center. Rosie is part of a team approach and has benefited from networking with amazing volunteers and staff who are integral in carrying out the mission of the center.

The Mission is: Freedom from Domestic Violence and other Forms of Abuse.

It was my great honor to speak with Maria Macaluso this time. 

In January 1998, Maria joined the Women’s Center of Montgomery County, PA as the executive director. The Women’s Center is a domestic violence service. 

Since 1976, the Women's Center has been a volunteer, community organization whose mission is: Freedom from Domestic Violence and other forms of abuse.

Serving approximately 5,000 unique individuals every year, the Women's Center offers critical services that positively impact those affected by abuse.
The list of services includes:
• A 24-hour toll-free Hotline: 1-800-773-2424
• Assistance with filing Protection from Abuse Orders onsite at courthouse
• Court accompaniment to Protection from Abuse Orders (PFAs), in the district court,
and at preliminary hearings
• Legal advocacy and options counseling. And a lot more…

Maria and the Women’s Center of Montgomery County are proud (and so appreciative) of the 185 volunteers who tirelessly donate their time and talent to the cause. Their programs, policies and procedures reflect a strong commitment to empowering women. 

Dave Thomas is focused primarily on projects pertaining to the National Law Enforcement Leadership Initiative on Violence Against Women—which is funded by the United States Office on Violence Against Women.  

During his law enforcement career with Maryland’s Montgomery County Police Department, Dave Thomas taught at the Police Training Academy, served on the S.W.A.T. team, was a Hostage Negotiator, and a member of the Domestic Violence Unit.

In addition to helping create the Domestic Violence Unit, he was responsible for the department’s curriculum development in domestic violence training, as well as the policy development on domestic violence related issues. 

Dave continues to challenge himself in his quest to achieve excellence in the domestic violence field and considers addressing violence against women his calling in life. 

In 2010, Jasmine Uribe joined Break the Cycle, a nationally recognized non-profit working to end relationship violence with youth ages 12-24. 

Now, with over 15 years working to amplify the voices of survivors of violence, Jasmine is a program innovator and pioneer in advancing national dating violence prevention efforts.

In her current role as CEO (and Founder) of “Leaders Ending Violence”, Jasmine offers a robust set of skills—to diverse audiences—at a senior consultant level. She’s a trained facilitator delivering workshops to both youth and adults related to increasing education, awareness, and support on matters related to dating and domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking, and cyber-stalking.

Jasmine is a trailblazer, willing to address the issues that matter—while challenging the status quo. Her mission is to development programs and opportunities that inspire change, break down barriers where they exist, and build authentic relationships along the way.

The website for Leaders Ending Violence is LeadersEndingViolence.com.

Karen Widdoss is the courageous survivor of a savage assault suffered when she was a teen. 

In the summer of 1994, her ex-boyfriend attacked her and nearly took her life. How she managed to hold onto her life is a complete miracle. 

Karen has given her voice to survivors of violent crimes by speaking out about her experiences so that no woman would ever suffer as she has. 

In this episode, we also talk about "Karen’s Law" which dramatically changes the way parole board hearings are handled. "Karen's Law" was passed on November 25, 2020 by the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. 

Karen Widdoss has continually used her tragedy to dramatically help others in need. 

In September 2005, Ann Burke lost her daughter, when Lindsay Ann was murdered by her ex-boyfriend. 

Lindsay Ann, who was 23 at the time, was similar to most victims of dating violence. Like my daughter, Kristin, she was not aware of the warning signs associated with dangerous relationships. Lindsay Ann's life was lost because she had never been informed.

Since 2005, Ann Burke has dedicated her life to teaching all she has learned about dating violence. 

In July 2007, Ann, now a retired Health teacher living in Rhode Island, worked with legislators to pass into law the Lindsay Ann Burke Act. We talk about that and much more on this WHEN DATING HURTS Podcast.

Lt. Heather Glogolich and I met during an all-day conference on domestic violence in October 2020. We were so impressed with each other’s presentations we decided we needed to do something together. This podcast episode is a solid start. 

On October 16th, 2008, Heather's life changed forever when she became the victim of intense emotional and physical abuse at the hands of her husband. He also was a police officer. Instead of succumbing to feelings of hopelessness, she used this opportunity to find her strength. 

Heather took that horrific experience and turned it into her calling. She advocates for victims of domestic violence by offering resources and speaking to people all over this country.

Listen to Heather's story and all she has learned about the insidious epidemic known as domestic violence. If DV can happen to Heather, it can happen to anyone.  

In 2015, I met Carla Clanagan at domestic-violence related events. Besides her limitless work in the domestic violence field, Carla is also the founder of "In His Eyes", an organization committed to helping women labeled as ex-offenders. 

In 2017, Carla's daughter, Makenzie, was brutally attacked by an ex-boyfriend. She was very fortunate to survive. After much rehabilitation, Makenzie is now using her tragedy to speak out on intimate partner violence. 

Carla has dedicated her life to helping young women stay safe from the epidemic we both know only too well as dating violence. 

Patrisha McLean was married to a world-renowned singer for 29 years. It started out as a fairytale relationship but devolved into a 24/7 nightmare. 

Like many survivors, it took Patrisha a very long time before she recognized it as classic domestic violence. Getting out almost cost Patrisha her life. 

This episode teaches what can happen to anyone who doesn't know the warning signs. It also informs you on what to do when these red flags are detected. 

On June 3, 2005, Detective Jim McGowan was the first person who contacted me with knowledge about what happened to my daughter. Earlier that day, he interviewed Kristin's murderer—her ex-boyfriend, Nick. From that time, Nick has remained incarcerated. 

Over the years, I've gained invaluable insights from Jim on why abusers do what they do, and why abused women stay in dangerous relationships. Jim shares this and so much more on this "When Dating Hurts" episode. 

It's a "must-listen-to" episode for parents, friends, and families of women who are, or might be, in dating relationships. I'm certain this episode will save someone's life. 

I was interviewed by Jerusha Mack from Halton Women's Place, located in Ontario, Canada. 

I felt this interview was so comprehensive, I asked to share it with our "When Dating Hurts" listeners. Ms. Mack, a licensed teacher and a public education team lead on Halton's Violence Prevention and Community Education team, graciously said yes. . 

Halton Women’s Place provides shelter and crisis services for physically, emotionally, financially, and sexually abused women and their dependent children. They are dedicated to ending violence against women and their children.

Thanks to Jerusha Mack and Halton Women's Place for helping me get this lifesaving information to you. 

I met "Caitlyn" in the fall of 2009 before I gave a speech about my daughter's murder. 

What Caitlyn told me was the most horrific story I had ever heard at that time. Honestly, it continues to disturb me.

I was fortunate to conduct an interview with Caitlyn. Her story shows how bad domestic violence can get, but also demonstrates how strong a determined woman can be. 

There is no person I respect more than Caitlyn. You will soon know why.  

Beth Sturman is the executive director of the Laurel House Domestic Violence Agency. She is also a dear friend of mine. 

Laurel House is the largest DV agency in the Philadelphia area. I've known Beth for 15 years and she has explained what I needed to know to be able to speak out on the dating violence epidemic. I consider her a mentor and a friend. 

What she discusses in this episode can save someone's life. You should listen to this! then share it with those you care about. 

Hi, I'm Bill Mitchell, and this is the When Dating Hurts podcast. My daughter, Kristin, was murdered by her ex-boyfriend in June 2005. It was twenty days after her college graduation. She had a position lined up with General Mills at that time, but never made it that far. 

How can women protect themselves from dating violence? One way: listen to this podcast series. Then share it with those you care about.

I have taken the past 15 years to collect and dispense what I learned about dating violence. I wrote a book you can purchase through Amazon, called "When Dating Hurts". It tells what happened to Kristin, but also details the journey my family has taken through these years. It also discusses the warning signs all women should know so they can remain safe. 

This podcast is a space where I chat with people who appear in my book, and even more women and men I have met who have deep insights into dating violence.

You will come to find this podcast is not about MY family, it's about YOURS. It's for anyone with young women in their lives because they are at risk if they do not have ample awareness and education about dating violence. My guests and I will fill in the blanks and make this world a little safer for women.