The Session

We just finished Pastor Appreciation Month.  But what about Pastor's spouse?  We examine Seven Things Pastors’ Wives Wish They Had Been Told Before They Became Pastors’ Wives.

Seven Things Pastors’ Wives Wish They Had Been Told Before They Became Pastors’ Wives
Thom S. Rainer

April 6, 2013

I am especially grateful to have the opportunity to hear from pastors’ wives since much of my focus is on pastors. Our recent, informal survey simply asked the open-ended question: “What do you wish you had been told before you became a minister’s wife?”
Thank you to the pastors’ wives who were willing to give us such great feedback. And thanks to Chris Adams for doing the survey and to Amy Jordan for assembling the data.
The responses are in order of frequency. A representative comment follows each response.
1. I wish someone had told me just to be myself. “I am a people-pleaser by nature, so for me, not being prepared to handle being a pastor’s wife with my personality was a heavy burden to carry early in our ministry.”
2. I wish someone had prepared me to deal with criticism of my husband and me. “It was hard to deal with negative experiences, conflicts, or criticisms, especially in relation to my husband and our area of ministry. So I would harbor feelings of resentment when it came to ministry and my man.”
3. I wish someone had reminded me that my husband is human. “I wish someone had told me that my husband could not be God for me. I was disillusioned at first to find out that he indeed is just a man.”
4. I wish someone had told me that others were watching us (the glass house syndrome). “Even though they are watching us, we don’t need to be controlled by what they expect of us.”
5. I wish someone had told me there are some really mean people in the church. “I was really surprised. I had to learn not to pay too much attention to them or they would get me down.”
6. I wish someone had told me how much my husband needs me to build him up. “I need to be his cheerleader. Dealing with critics in the church is difficult. He needs to hear that I respect him now more than ever.”
7. I wish someone had told me that my schedule will never be normal again. “Your husband will be very busy. Expect that. But come alongside him in the areas of time management and organization.”
One pastor’s wife told us that her role was like getting a job for which she never applied. She wrote this funny script in her response:
Husband: “Honey, I got you a job today.”
Wife: “Really? Okay, but I wasn’t looking for a job. I have plenty to do here running the household and raising the kids. That was our plan, right? Me stay home with the kids so you could fully dedicate yourself to the ministry.”
Husband: “Yeah, yeah. But I really need you take this job for me.”
Wife: “Well, okay, just tell me what to do and when it needs to be done by, and I will do everything I can to make it happen.”
Husband: “Well, right now there are no specific responsibilities. Basically, it’s just doing anything at church that no one else steps up to do or wants to do.”
Wife: “Oh my, that is a tall order. Okay, I’ll do it. I guess we could use the extra money anyway. Things are always tight around here on a pastor’s salary.
Husband: “Well, actually honey, there is no salary . . .”

October is Pastor Appreciation Month, so Scott & Tom dive into five ways you can support your Pastor's family, based on an article by Billy Doidge Kilgore.  The five points are pretty straight forward:

1.  Temper unrealistic expectations

2. Prioritize a Pastoral support group

3. Support a sabbatical

4. Provide paid parental leave

5. Protect your Pastor's sabbath day

We are in Tom's wheelhouse for a couple of weeks, as we talk about one of his favorite topics, the celebration of success.  It's important to celebrate success, whether it's a good grade on you child's quiz, an accomplishment at work, or growth in your Christian faith.  

Welcome to Tom's wheelhouse!  Tom can talk about the celebration of success and it's importance to the family all day long!  But don't worry, this episode is much shorter than that.

It's our final (whew!) episode on sibling rivalry!  You'll hear stories from Tom & Scott about their siblings and the rivalries that there were, and get expert advice from Dennis & Barbara Rainey.  

Here's the article our conversation centered around:

https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/parenting/parenting-challenges/attitude-problems/10-ideas-overcoming-sibling-rivalry/

We continue our conversation about sibling rivalry from opposite perspectives - I (Scott) am an older brother, Tom a younger brother.  See if you can relate to any of what we share today!

This week, we welcome a very special guest, Juvenile Court Judge Steve McKinley!  We discuss 3 basic topics.  What's it like to be an ally to the children that come to your courtroom... what do you see that is troubling about the family in our area and in the country... plus what do you believe will help the children you see in court the most?

It's a very different episode of The Session!

Tom is back, and we conclude our series on the family as God intended it!

As Tom continues to recover from surgery, we dig into the archives for what has become a tradition for us on The Session as school starts - an episode on bullying.

I know Tom would appreciate your prayers as he recovers from emergency Gall Bladder surgery.  While Tom recovers, we dive into the archive to celebrate Grandparents!

Scott & Tom continue their discussion of the family.  With so many groups calling for the dismantling of the traditional family, they felt it would be important to discuss God's perspective.

Ok, we admit it, Tom & Scott are dog people.  Today we wrap up our discussion of pets and therapy.  It's really amazing what we can learn from our pets about how to treat ourselves and one another, and learn a bit about how God loves us.  The traits our pets demonstrate give us great insights.

After covering a really tough topic last week, we decided to take a trip to the lighter side, and talk about how pets can be useful in therapy.  More specifically, how pets can be therapeutic for us.  We admit up front that we are dog people, as Tom has dogs, and Scott has been around dogs more.  It's not a slight against cats, hamsters, goldfish, or any other pet, it's just where our experience lies.  The point is, our pets can teach us lessons about how to treat others, and maybe something about how God sees us.

This week, we tackle a tough topic.  This is NOT one for little ears.  But we try to offer information on suicide, and hope for the struggling with the power of God's Word.

After a 3 week absence, Tom Russell returns to the studio with what may be the most honest and candid program he and Scott have ever done.  God is faithful!

This week, Scott & Tom begin a discussion of Sleep Problems.  We stayed awake to record it, and we hope you will too!

Christianity Today 

Our verse is Proverbs 3:24 “When you lie down, you will not be afraid; When you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." What keeps us from having sweet sleep?

We are in our sub conscious mind when trying to go to sleep.

It is the same part of us that fear and anxiety can bother us.

Things that intercept good sleep

Our Emotions

example fear. Fear can fuel the blood

stream with adrenaline which can

cause obsessive thinking

Depressed emotions can fuel

unhealthy thinking which can keep a

person awake.

Treatment Possibilities

Create a fear file

Spend time googling Christian

meditation and warship

Not having a sleep schedule

Sporadic bedtime can create an

inability to sleep

Treatment possibility

Set realistic goals for bedtime and

gradually work into a better

schedule

If you tend to be capable of rehashing

things of the day you will struggle

sleeping.

Treatment Possibility

Make a list of those things that were

being rehash and in your

mind. Second set a schedule time

the next day to think about them.

As you go to sleep take time to pray

about them

If you are one to read or use any

other forms of technology you could

have trouble sleeping.

Research on this suggest that

those devices that have a bright

background are capable of

keeping you awake

More Behavioral treatments for insomnia

* Improving “sleep hygiene”: Not sleeping too much or too little, exercising daily, not forcing sleep, maintaining a regular sleep schedule, avoiding caffeine at night, avoiding smoking, avoiding going to bed hungry, and ensuring a comfortable sleeping environment.

* Using relaxation techniques: Examples include meditation and muscle relaxation.

* Stimulus control therapy - only go to bed when sleepy. Avoid watching TV, reading, eating, or worrying in bed. Set an alarm for the same time every morning (even weekends) and avoid long daytime naps.

* Sleep restriction: Decreasing the time spent in bed and partially depriving the body of sleep can increase tiredness, ready for the next night.

Read Isaiah 41:10

Psychology Today:  A recent review of the psychological impact of quarantine reports that most studies of quarantined subjects observed effects such as confusion, anger, and post-traumatic stress symptoms, sometimes lasting even three years after the end of the quarantine.

From Focus on the Family

Remember Who is in control

In a broken world — in our own brokenness — it’s easy to feel helpless and hopeless. We might even try to put a positive spin on it by saying we’re just being realistic. But author Scott Hubbard points out that “Christian hope … is not the kind that blindfolds itself to reality. It’s the kind that looks at a newly sealed tomb and says, ‘This story’s not over.’”

No, you didn’t choose to walk through this dark valley. But God isn’t unaware of your suffering. Your eternal good and His glory are always His priorities. The story is not over.

Accept your pain — and let it push you toward healing. Give yourself permission to grieve the hardships of this season, but don’t get stuck there. This is especially important if you have a spouse and children. During a crisis, you and your spouse need to work through worry and stress as a team.

Express honest emotion by journaling or talking with a trusted friend. Whether by yourself, with your family, or with a friend over the phone, you need to share your feelings. Be open, but don’t obsess. Sometimes too much talking can increase stress.

Pray by yourself and with family and friends. Don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions about suffering. While God doesn’t guarantee that we’ll come through a tragedy untouched, He does promise that nothing can separate us from His love.

Stick to routines

Stay on top of medications. If you take medication for depression, anxiety, or any other mental health issue, be sure your prescription is filled — and that you’re taking it as prescribed. If you think your meds aren’t helping, call your prescribing doctor for a consult. (Never stop taking prescribed medication without first talking to your physician.)

Keep your routine as normal as you can. And if it’s been totally uprooted? Create a new routine for your present situation. This includes when you get up, have meals, take structured breaks, and end your workday. Do this even if your job doesn’t require a typical 8-to-5 schedule while you telecommute.

Make your surroundings familiar. If you’re suddenly working from home, set up your workspace similar to what helped you stay focused at the office. Sometimes even the smallest thing — like a family photo on your desk — can help.

Control your thoughts

Take a break from the news. Knowledge is power, but there can be too much of a good thing. Briefly stay informed through credible sources. Then get back to things that bring joy — things that draw you closer to your family and to the Lord.

Take a long-term view and go with the flow. COVID-19 will end at some point. True, life won’t look the same for any of us. But being frustrated with — or fighting against the reality of — current circumstances will only add to stress. Learn to accept difficulties, and save your energy to handle what must be done right now.

Ground yourself in the present.  Take 3 deep breaths every hour or more often.  Stand up and stretch your arms & legs.  Remind yourself of what's right in front of you, physically & job-wise.  Ask yourself, what do I need to do RIGHT NOW?  Say it out loud if you can.  This is where goal setting can be really helpful.  Goal for the hour.  The morning.  The day.

We took this week to finish our series honoring mom by wrapping up our discussion of 5 Five important characteristics of being a mother from Mummy it’s OK

1 – Be A Good Role Model

You are the first person your child ever knows. They’ve been with you right from when their little life was created.

As such, you are the first role model they have ever know. It’s important to be a good role model for your children.

Kids copy and learn everything from their parents as they are growing up.

If you want the to say please and thank you, tidy up after themselves, or help others – then you need to do these things to.

Show them how they should behave, be the role model your children need you to be.

You can’t expect your child to do this things if you aren’t willing to them yourself.

2 – Set Boundaries And Rules

Children need boundaries to thrive. They need to know what they can and can’t do and when.

This is why it’s important to set clear boundaries so that they know what to expect.

You should always be consistent with these rules to.

It’s no good changing them all the time, your child will become confused as to what is expected of them.

The same is also true for when you have to discipline them.

The punishments need to be consistent, its no good one time not disciplining them for breaking a rule and the next time not.

You will be sending them mixed messages.

The punishment should fit the crime. Don’t give out a big punishment for a simple breaking of the rules – keep those for when they proper step out of line.

3 – Be Respectful

Respect is two sided. If you want your child to show you respect you also need to show and give them respect in return.

It doesn’t matter that they are much younger than you, or that you’re the adult. Respect should always be given. Remember what I said about being a good role model earlier?

Kids need to learn how to show and how to give respect.

4 – Be Supportive And Loving

It can be tough growing up. You will need to show support for your little one.

It could be they are still learning to potty train, they may be older and have a falling out with a friend.

Whatever the circumstance, they need you, even if they don’t know it.

Knowing you have the support and love of your parents should be something every child can always rely on.

They need out help and guidance through out their lives, and as parents we should give it – no questions asked.

Right from being a baby all the way to be being grown up we all need support and love.

I still need support from my parents even though I’m fully grown as and adult with my own family!

5 – Be Patient

Learning to be patient with your child can take time. They are always testing the rules and boundaries you have set. Seeing what they can and can’t get away with.

It can take them a while to understand and perfect what they should be doing.

Because we can't ever get through a topic in one conversation, this is Part 1 of a short series about surviving having your kids at home during our "new normal".

So how do you navigate having the kids at home?  We talk more about Surviving teaching at home during these unusual days.

So we wanted to begin honoring mom early this year!  We didn't cover everything, so are our notes.

Mary

Mary was Courageous

• She tells the angel Gabriel “Luke 1:38 Mary responded,      “I am the Lord’s servant. May everything you have said about me come      true.” And then the angel left her.
• Mary treated Jesus like a mother treats her son. She      encouraged Jesus to get more wine at the wedding at Cana
• She comforted Jesus when he was left behind in the      temple
• She protected Jesus in a number of sticky situations.

Character

• she was a woman of discipleship. She regularly followed      Jesus. In fact she was the first follower of Jesus
• A woman of great faith

The Greatest of all Saints

• Some say this is true because she was prepared to be      the mother of the Son of God
• She is loved by God and responds with (1:46-49),      “46Mary responded,
• “Oh, how my soul praises the Lord. How my spirit      rejoices in God my Savior! For he took notice of his lowly servant girl,      and from now on all generations will call me blessed.49 For the Mighty One      is holy, and he has done great things for me.
• she had a heart for Jesus and worship
• She was a Great Witness. Her life reflected it

Abigail

• sensible and capable
• A capable speak for and capable of empathizing with      others
• She thrived in crisis. She took responsibility
• She played a significant role even though she was in      the background
• She was very respectful and humble. She bowed to David      and was willing to become a servant to his slaves

We continued celebrating mothers with Five important characteristics of being a mother from Mummy it’s OK  We couldn't cover everything, so here's the full list .

1 – Be A Good Role Model

You are the first person your child ever knows. They’ve been with you right from when their little life was created.

As such, you are the first role model they have ever know. It’s important to be a good role model for your children.

Kids copy and learn everything from their parents as they are growing up.

If you want the to say please and thank you, tidy up after themselves, or help others – then you need to do these things to.

Show them how they should behave, be the role model your children need you to be.

You can’t expect your child to do this things if you aren’t willing to them yourself.

2 – Set Boundaries And Rules

Children need boundaries to thrive. They need to know what they can and can’t do and when.

This is why it’s important to set clear boundaries so that they know what to expect.

You should always be consistent with these rules to.

It’s no good changing them all the time, your child will become confused as to what is expected of them.

The same is also true for when you have to discipline them.

The punishments need to be consistent, its no good one time not disciplining them for breaking a rule and the next time not.

You will be sending them mixed messages.

The punishment should fit the crime. Don’t give out a big punishment for a simple breaking of the rules – keep those for when they proper step out of line.

3 – Be Respectful

Respect is two sided. If you want your child to show you respect you also need to show and give them respect in return.

It doesn’t matter that they are much younger than you, or that you’re the adult. Respect should always be given. Remember what I said about being a good role model earlier?

Kids need to learn how to show and how to give respect.

4 – Be Supportive And Loving

It can be tough growing up. You will need to show support for your little one.

It could be they are still learning to potty train, they may be older and have a falling out with a friend.

Whatever the circumstance, they need you, even if they don’t know it.

Knowing you have the support and love of your parents should be something every child can always rely on.

They need out help and guidance through out their lives, and as parents we should give it – no questions asked.

Right from being a baby all the way to be being grown up we all need support and love.

I still need support from my parents even though I’m fully grown as and adult with my own family!

5 – Be Patient

Learning to be patient with your child can take time. They are always testing the rules and boundaries you have set. Seeing what they can and can’t get away with.

It can take them a while to understand and perfect what they should be doing.

With schools closed, parents, especially moms, have one more duty-teacher.  We talk about navigating these new waters, and try to offer a word of encouragement - YOU CAN DO THIS!  The idea is basic goal-setting, celebrating success, and taking one thing at a time.  And give yourself permission to take it slow.  You probably weren't a Rhodes Scholar, and your child won't become one during this time either.  It's ok.

It's a tough time, many of us are facing fears and anxiety and worry over our families, our jobs, our future.  We try to tackle fear from a Biblical perspective.  We define it, discuss it, and answer the ticklish question, "Is fear a sin?"

We discuss an acronym for F.E.A.R., and promised to include it in the show notes.

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

So social distancing is a real thing, and Scott and Tom practice it this week on The Session.  From a safe distance, we talk about things you can do in our "new normal", with a bit of a focus on social media.  It's ok to admit you're upset or concerned.  I'm (Scott) recovering from gall bladder surgery, and that happened just as the lock downs and social distancing orders were going out.  Being in the hospital with 5 slices in me was NOT what I wanted to be doing!  But God is sovereign, and none of this has taken Him by surprise.

This week's show is at the heart of what Tom talks about a LOT.  The importance of celebrating success with your spouse, your kids, your Pastor, your neighbor, your friends...well, you get the idea.

We dive into an article from beliefnet.com about the biggest issues facing Christian families, and some really bad banking puns...

Click here to review the whole article:  https://www.beliefnet.com/love-family/the-5-most-immportant-issues-christian-families-face.aspx

Here are some of the notes I mentioned on this week's edition of "The Session":

5 Benefits of Premarital Counseling

it builds communication skills, provides an opportunity to address issues, helps couples plan the future, lets couples absorb wisdom, and allows couples to discover new things about themselves.

Prepare and Enrich, Tom's premarital counseling model, examine these areas:

Assertiveness, self confidence/avoidance, partner dominance, idealistic distortion, personality issues, spiritual beliefs, leisure activities, marriage expectations, marriage satisfaction, communication, conflict resolution, children and parenting, couple closeness, role relationship, sexual relationship, family and friends, financial management, family closeness and family flexibility.

"Love Month" continues with our unique perspective on Pre-Marital Counseling.  Our focus is on 5 benefits of Premarital Counseling:

1.  It builds communication skills

2. It provides an opportunity to address issues that you may or may not have know about your betrothed

3. It helps couples plan the future-it's not just about children

4. It lets couples absorb wisdom from someone who has already said, "I does".  And it encompasses our verse of the week.

5. It allows couple sto discover new things about themselves and their future spouse

Next week, we tackle "Prepare & Enrich".  What does that mean?  Listen to The Session next week!

We continue "Love Month" with a discussion of unity in marriage, with tips offered in an article by Dr. Chapman.  He says unity in marriage is difficult to achieve because all people are self-centered by nature.  We are, after all, sinners.  But the Holy Spirit can help us.  We talk about the importance of submission in Ephesians 5:21, but emphasize that submission is not just for the wife.  The husband must also submit to the work of the Holy Spirit to properly lead his family.  Communication is also emphasized, as in James 1:19.  Dr. Chapman emphasizes setting aside a minimum amount of time each day to talk.  What to talk about?  We talk about that in this week's episode!

This week, we talk about an article Scott saw on Richland Source about a small group sitting in a coffee shop, talking about their hopes for the new year.  Scott & Tom talk about the usefullness of a New Year's Resolution versus the objectivity of goal setting, and which would be better for accomplishing one's desires for the new year.

Ok, so we are on a break this week, so we turned the microphone on Tom's kids.  They talk about growing up a Russell, and share funny stories and memories about family outings, traditions, and how to make money doing chores!

On this episode of The Session, Scott and Tom talk about the importance of family traditions, with the traditions mentioned on WVMC's facebook page.  Your thoughts are always welcome too, just reach out to scotts@wvmcfm.com!  Merry Christmas!

Tom and Scott both have lost friends this year.  Processing that grief during the holidays can be difficult.  They talk about that today.  How to get through this tough time when it's the first Christmas without mom, without your spouse, without that friend.  

Let's face it.  Wrapping paper won't survive the kids Christmas Day.  The tree gets put away.  Presents are used, lost, broken, or don't last.  But there are Christmas gifts that last forever.  Tom and Scott review them today on The Session.

Tom & Scott conclude their discussion of PTSD with a review of 8 steps to recover from PTSD from June Hunt, founder of Hope for Your Heart Mininstry, and an authority on PTSD.  We're open to your thoughts and suggestions for future podcasts!  Just email scotts@wvmcfm.com!

This week, we take a look back at the history of Thanksgiving, all the way back to 1621!  We also discuss the importance of family traditions, and how holidays like Thanksgiving can help establish new traditions, or reinforce existing ones.  No matter how you celebrate, we wish you a safe and happy Thanksgiving celebration!

In this episode, we get more practical about the hope we have in Jesus.  We look at Scriptural examples of hope, and Scott opens up about a struggle he's had now that he's turned 60.  It's one of the most real and open shows we have done in a while.  We "hope" you like it!  Please email us if you have a topic you would like us to cover!  scotts@wvmcfm.com