"Did you vote Brexit because you were worried about a Polish person touching your Creme Eggs?"
New year, new unreasonables. Mumsnet has cranked it up for 2019. This week, we discuss what children should spend their Christmas money on and invent hot new Lego media properties; we talk about having babies for the maternity leave and the difficulty of sneaking a baby onto a rocket; we wonder about searching for white Creme Eggs and what the 'skin' of the Creme Egg is; we discuss the decline of the British high street and the Council of Anthropomorphised High Street Shops.
"My measure of success is how many people you can coax into a basement on a Thursday night while you just read stuff that other people have written on the internet."
We're simply having a reasonable Christmas time! This is the recording of our live show performed at the Chapel Playhouse on Grays Inn Road in London as part of their preview events. Thanks to everyone for coming and to the Chapel Playhouse for hosting us. For the holidays, we get our 'small relatives' dozens of paintings of horses as Christmas presents, we put our own decorations on someone else's corporate tree, we add the Minions to the nativity to pad out the story, we set up upstairs-downstairs Christmas trees to enforce good ol' British class divisions, we thoroughly review SheIn-brand loungewear suitable for gifts, and we leave a crate of beer for bin-men with binny-hands and man-buns.
"You're either depressed or you're a snitch: that's capitalism for you."
Pay attention to this week's keywords: A is for 'anti-capitalism' and S is for 'snitching' and 'spectral penises'. We discuss snitching on people who are sharing prescription drugs (in an anarchist company structure), snitching on people who steal from those online websites they have nowadays, snitching on parents who have 'free' childcare in the form of grandparents or other family members, and snitching on people flirting at a Christmas fair.
"The only thing that stops him drinking is people having their need for firewood sated."
We'll be honest: this one got away from us. Every podcast has a Lost Scooby-Doo Episode and this is ours. This week, is it unreasonable to buy firewood cash-in-hand from Beer-Money Billy? How can we appoint a specialist barber law solicitor if the apocalypse happens while we're at the barbers? Is it unreasonable of Scrappy-Doo to sell his family's ancient pieces of furniture? Should Christmas jumpers be banned in favour of Winterval jumpers? And is it unreasonable to expose young children to that weird CG Scooby-Doo from the live-action Scooby-Doo film?
Thursday, December 13, 2018 from 07:30 pm to 08:30 pm at the Chapel Playhouse at 308 - 312 Grays Inn Road, London, United Kingdom, WC1X 8DP
Go to http://www.chapelplayhouse.co.uk/ for details or https://events.time.ly/aart0an/20679541/tickets to book tickets
"This is bullshit, Carrie, and you know it!"
It's an episode of mysteries today as we unravel the Mystery of the Floor Penis, the Riddle of the Fashionistas, the Family, and the Hatbox, the Question of When the McConaissance Started, the Enigma of the Pasta 'N' Sauce, and the Case of the Hypnotic Hand-Driers. Is it unreasonable for restaurants to have gendered menus? Is it unreasonable to say "Sorry, we have plans today"? Is it unreasonable to expect for families to get taxis before Carrie Bradshaw? And is it unreasonable for friends to spend 40 minutes drying their hands?
"Vote: that'll do, pig."
In all our time delving into Mumsnet, we've never stumbled across that Mumsnet staple, the Poo Troll. Today we narrowly avoid this bad bad troll and instead discuss whether children (and pigs) should be allowed to vote, whether Ferrero Rochers are appropriate sweets for trick-or-treaters, whether to be friends with a half Jim Davidson, half Owen Jones abomination, whether you need to explain WHY you can't make it to an event, whether to eat children's Hallowe'en sweets, and we come up a radical new way of eating sweets to vote.
"Daddy has no life, does he, Mummy?"
It's a spooktacular Hallowe'en You Are Being Unreasonable in which the scariest thing is bigotry. This week, we spectacularly redecorate our rental property with extravagant murals and gold bathroom fittings, we go caravaning with husbands who have no interior lives, we steal chicken nuggets and chips but it's from a chain so it's anti-capitalist praxis, and we talk about one of the canonically Great Female Acting Roles and the influence of Matilda on clever little girls.
"I'd watch Ann Widdecombe: Cheese Investigators."
Should you read out the slides in your presentation? How do we approach our 'creative' colleagues? How do you accuse your mother-in-law of stealing your shoes? In answering these questions, we use stolen supermarket cheese to divine the future, we watch the Surgeon General read out the clip art on their TED talk, we wear flip-flops to express our artistry, and we steal wellies back from Satan.
"Who'd have thought the robot uprising would begin on Gransnet?"
It's a special cosy edition of You Are Being Unreasonable this week as we welcome autumn by checking in with the grans of Gransnet again. Once again, we are tasked to only watch and to never interfere as we watch the grans go on a coach-trip with people carrying their carrier bags full of other empty carrier bags, take their own pre-mashed vegetables to the pub for lunch, and use a series of ladders to get a pervy cat down from a tree in the garden just at the back and to the side. Meanwhile we realise that Brexit means Brexit which means the Toby Carvery, call out Summer as a sexual harasser, and work on jazzing up our speaking patterns to attract more listeners and develop parasocial relationships with existing listeners.
"Smushies, sossies, rashers, dippers."
This week, your favourite 8/10s look at Mumsnet once again and discover how to decorate a Marmite sofa, how to create Brunchables, how to "get things started" with someone, how to obliquely tell kids to pick stuff up off the floor, how to put lemurs in the bin, how to make rashers in the microwave at work, and whether it's possible to love a 3/10.
"Am I being unreasonable... sex towel?"
It's our 27th episode and we join the 27 Club. But instead of dying, we talk about going to Jeff Bridge's house to admire his single DVD, we storm off ineffectively, we get matched up with strangers to see the opening bit of a Seinfeld episode, we accuse Bodger & Badger of potato-related misdemeanours, and we visit the greatest service station in the world.
"Someone said 'I have no idea what is normal anymore after reading Mumsnet'."
Should you order a takeaway in the middle of a dinner party? What should you serve as appetisers at said dinner party? Should you post on Mumsnet about your guests while the guests are still there? Should you show people the itinerary from the holiday you went on four years ago? What times are appropriate to text your wedding DJs? And, while we're on DJs, what are some good names for 13 year old DJs? And why does Cher have so many bangers? We discover answers to all these questions and many more.
"You can't spell 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'."
Back at it again on Mumsnet. We encounter cheeky coffee drinkers, greeting cards for people who have left work following 'incidents', glockenspiel murderers, dogs who have eaten earphone cables 'Lady and the Tramp'-style, smelly Jesus, and accidental children.
"Children aren't good at playing along with crimes..."
Bonjour! Ça va? Oui, ça va bien, et tu? In this week's episode, we rush to A&E rather than pay £4 for two small bottles of water to take away, we vow - VOW! - that our children won't go through the trauma of having the same name as other children in their class, we scalp tickets for a children's production of Hamilton, and we come up with a new secret signal for Mumsnetters to identify one another.
"Worry about global warming before you worry about your children being on an iPad."
How best to beat the heat? Reading Mumsnet threads, of course! This week, teachers look forward to their holidays, we discover the sound of the Internet, we leave children to travel on planes on their own, we learn about the advanced Mumsnet technique, The Reverse, and we drink strawberry Nesquik to remind us of being on the Riviera.
Also, we're moving to fortnightly episodes from now on. See you on 19th July!
"Would I be unreasonable to take a doll to the barbers?"
This week on You Are Being Unreasonable, we're replaced by 18-21 year-olds home from university who we pay minimum-wage to work for us. They discuss using spaghetti carbonara as a murder weapon, reporting our children to an ombudsman, they define 'nepotism', and unveil our newest, least popular segment, Simon's IT Corner.
"I never thought I was profligate in my sausage-eating habits."
We're back from honeymoon to delve into Mumsnet's AIBU board once again. This week, we eat sausage-quarters like kings, we fill our house with thousands of Mr Men books, and we fart to punctuate sentences.
"Am I being unreasonable? Should I go to the Dog Carnival or clean?"
A full slate of unreasonableness this week as we hide around the corner waiting to interrupt engagements, we unveil our three-point packed lunch manifesto, we mix veggie and non-veggie meatballs, and we resent our neighbours' Eyes Wide Shut barbeque/orgies.
"Adam Ant: not as bad as Stalin."
This week, it's the most ambitious crossover event in podcast history as we're joined by Stuart Moses of the Improv London Podcast (https://soundcloud.com/improvlondon) to dive with us into Mumsnet's AIBU forum. Together, the three of us list soft cheeses, obliquely reference the theft of a dog on Facebook, we seduce Nye Bevan's wife, and go to the Mirror Universe version of Mumsnet where all the OPs have goatee beards.
"If anyone has any YouTube videos of a puppy successfully eating Manchego cheese but leaving the waxy rind perfectly intact and then placing it back in the fridge, I would like to watch those videos."
Another deep dive into Mumsnet's AIBU forum. This week, we look for Schrödinger's cheese, we get asked for our marital status to buy chicken nuggets, and we get engaged again. If you have any Mumsnet AIBU threads for us to look at, please let us know on Twitter at @YABUnreasonable.
"If you don't want to see that thong, don't play the song."
Thanks to everyone who sent us Mumsnet AIBU threads this week for us to discuss. We really appreciate you wading into the forums on our behalf. Glasses upon glasses in this episode as we invoice babies for broken wine glasses and improve Les Misérables with a spectacles-focused reimagining. We also take children up Mount Everest for a picnic and Sisqó requests to see that thong during the general swim session.
"Nom nom, pizza pizza."
This week, we wade once more into the hellscape of Mumsnet. We discover a house set on fire in a celebratory fashion, drive-by pizza accidents, six year-olds drinking Pornstar Martinis, and Paul Hollywood's sex-gut.
It's a baby-filled episode this week as we discuss Royal babies, recruiting babies as firefighters, trusting infants to deal with in-flight emergencies, and taking children to job interviews, and whether babies should have tans. We also demand haircuts as our birthright and petition for the nationalisation of shampoo.
You can vote for us in the Listeners' Choice Award category at the British Podcast Awards at https://www.britishpodcastawards.com/vote Go do that.
"Am I being unreasonable to sing an adapted version of Blurred Lines to my cat?"
We're back! After our break, MumsNet overfloweth with baffling threads. This week, we replace /everything/ with Peppa Pig, we eat a Tudor buffet at our desks in the office, we go to Robin Thicke-friendly churches, and Detective Pikachu investigates our local corner shop.
"Let's hear it for the grans!"
It's a GransNet special! This week, we delve into GransNet and discover the annoyingly reasonable grans of this forum: we dress like dowdy sacks of pasta, children are brainwashed by Postcode Lottery to forget the true meaning of Easter, aliens make contact with strangers in vans, and we meet our best new recurring character, Coffee Sue.
"I just wanted a Dine-In-For-Two and now I'm in jail."
This week, we burn our trousers, we speculate about the family of [Family relation]Net sites, and we get unreasonably het up about seat reservations on trains.
"Muttering incantations in the long-forgotten eldritch language of the Elder Gods is a bit much."
This week, we endlessly move their fruit bowl to keep up with the neighbours, we ponder the inscrutable and impossible geometry of the mysterious box room, and Simon gets obsessed with summoning the Elder Forgotten Gods.
"Get your own baby fashion, motherfucker."
This week we're joined by very special guest star, Fiona Ashley, who joins us as we escape a first date by having a wee in a cab, we finally throw away that portrait of Mussolini that brings us now joy, we get disinvited from a dog wedding, and Fi provides a perfect summary of Disney's Frozen (2013) leading us to accidentally write some erotic fan-fiction. Onwards and upwards, goodbye!
"And also don't let your five year-old walk around a museum saying "Fuck you" to all the paintings. That's not OK."
This week, we do yoga on a plane in 1977, we cry about everything from Rothkos to breakfast gravy, and Simon launches his London mayoral campaign.
"What's the Little Red Hen got to do with it? It should be the Little Red State."
This week on You Are Being Unreasonable, we consider ourselves very lucky to have found such great topics to discuss: library Oompa-Loompas segregating adults and children, driving middle-class friends to Waitrose for veg, and, as always, Hugh Jackman's 2017 movie The Greatest Showman.
"Jam, not ham!"
In this episode of You Are Being Unreasonable, we "let" Alexa "come" to "live" with us, we don't answer the door, we dip bananas in margarine, and we get surprisingly serious about workers' rights and small business ownership.
"Am I being unreasonable re. shitting man?"
In this sixth episode of You Are Being Unreasonable, we ask about toilet etiquette, we drink ONLY the freshest of milks, and we meet BBC One's newest detectives, Driver and Pedestrian.
(We had some trouble with the audio on this one so, particularly in the first five minutes, it might be bit janky. Sorry!)
"Next thing you know you're drinking a flaming glass of milk." In this episode, we explore clichéd mother-in-law drama, the social anxieties of going to a pub, and we uncover the secrets of the New New World Order.
In our second episode of You Are Being Unreasonable, people are furious about early Christmas shoppers, book etiquette is discussed, wedding speeches are made, and chickens are released.
(The audio for this episode got a bit heavily clipped so some sentences might cut off prematurely. Sorry!)