"Am I being unreasonable to ask who is the worst performer you've seen live?"
This is the recording of our live show performed at the Chapel Playhouse in London as part of the Camden Fringe 2019. Thanks to everyone for coming and to the Chapel Playhouse and Camden Fringe for hosting us.
For the summer holidays, we picked some holiday-related threads full of Mumsnet mishaps and confusions. We discuss what to do if an Ed Sheeran cover band plays bad Nirvana homages in the square under your holiday villa all night; teachers going on strike in the summer holidays outside a silent school with no-one attempting to go in; how to deal with the universal situation of an AirBnB host who keeps walking in on you when you're lying on the bed naked on a wet towel; and what to do on a holiday ten minutes from where you live. We also discover bilingual dogs and the perfect golf gift for any golfer with a penis.
"I would buy Potato Frownies... I don't want to grow up but I'm also not happy."
It's Carbs Week on You Are Being Unreasonable as we discuss the fine distinctions between chips and various other types of potato products, we invent the Po-Table, a table made off and built for potatoes, and we discuss how to peel potatoes with the arm of an executed serial killer. We also get into anatomically correct dinosaur clothes for children, getting a photo with your EXtended family of exes, whether or not to tell your partner if you're working from home, and how to dress for an interview as a spooky undertaker. Oh, and the benefits of planet-wide voluntary human extinction.
"We don't care about GDPR: we're rebels!"
We have another fine collection of jumping off points for 'bits' in this week's episode of your favourite B-list podcast. In this week's jaunt through Mumsnet, we open the cupboard full of mismatched mugs that every household in the UK has, we offer a lucrative internship at a world-class bank cleaning out the store cupboard while singing, we provide the best way to avoid bad reviews (the secret is not to do any work and to offer free scones), and we debate whether Rob Stewart is an A-lister or not and move on to the impermanent and fleeting nature of all fame and fortune.
"Is it ever really a victory if at some point you have to eat McDonald's nuggets in a toilet in secret?"
We're popping round for a quick yoghurt this week with some fresh Mumsnet threads for you. We discover a coven of witches eating McDonald's at work and investigate how to get away with nuggs theft. We discuss whether people landed on the Moon (they did) and then get into the shape of the Moon. We assess the idea of family passes for the NHS like at Alton Towers and ask our GP to do a vasectomy, look into our hearing, give us a smear test, and do a full health check in 20-30 minutes. Finally, we look into the economics of delivering a misdelivered package of nuggets to a neighbour versus the economics of delivering a box of popcorn at 100 miles per hour.
"The second best revenge is lesbian erotica..."
We're celebrating 50 episodes (sort of) with a surprisingly sweary and bawdy episode. We ask if you should ever give the police an alibi for your partner and what crimes you would not accept from them: shankings? refusing to pay VAT? murders? What should you do with a horrible young sexual harrassing man at work who keeps mentioning his large and serious penis? What if it were a witch sexually harrassing you instead of a young man? What if it were a sad clown? Should you reference your husband's role in your own CV and why would you want to do that? And what would you do if an old companion wrote you into their self-published lesbian erotica?
We're celebrating 50 episodes with a bonus clip show! This is 50 minutes of the best bits from 50 episodes of the You Are Being Unreasonable podcast.
Featuring clips from:
003 - In which pantsuits are considered and the greatest wizard is discovered
006 - In which fresh milk is opened and Hugh Jackman puffs himself up
009 - In which we scream in the Sistine Chapel
014 - In which the Stink Judge decides when we can eat
026 - In which we attend the worst dinner party in history
030 - In which we investigate the ancient art of tyromancy
032 - In which we invent the outbound phonesex line
033 - In which we get possessed by haunted hand-driers
035 - In which we pay Coca-Cola to raise children as a job creation scheme
039 - In which we start a new centrist podcast
047 - In which a dentist tells us raisins are bad for teeth
YABU Live 13th December 2018 - In which we do a festive live podcast recording
"They think that inviting someone to a wedding is akin to punching them in the face."
We're in the run-up to Fringe season now and we're practicing for our live show by... well, doing what we always do: looking at threads of Mumsnet's AIBU board and chatting about them. This week, we determine who is and is not a table-nabber and outline the plans for a new cinematic franchise, Rogue Dad starring Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx, we discuss the politics of using a giftcard to split a restaurant bill and how to burn through £10,000 on giftcards like Brewster's Millions, we talk about texting intimate details of your life to a stranger you met in a shop and ask the eternal question, What Would Tommy Wiseau Do?, and we discover that non-human entities and abstract concepts can be 'cheeky fuckers' and ask if weddings are CF.
"If only we could utilise your gagging on an eggy struggle."
Coming to you from the UK heatwave, we have some scalding hot takes from Mumsnet's AIBU board this week we spend this episode listening when people tell us who they are. In this episode, we overhear our Creationist neighbour shouting about Creationism at his wife in the garden, we ask at which jobs it is appropriate to wear flip-flops in the summer, we unravel the byzantine mysteries of a 'simple story' of two women and two ugly guys, we list the words we don't like, we do a close reading of 'Horrid Henry' and his sex cult, and we meet a woman who travels the boards talking about owning half her mum's house.
"I want the baby to have a monogrammed smoking jacket... I want the baby to look like Hugh Hefner otherwise what's the point?"
Hopefully this week's episode gives you a good ol' boost in the fanjo as we continue what is definitely a serialised podcast with a strong season-long arc. We ask which kind of mysterious conspiracy could have sent unexpected letters all in braille, how to handle visitors who don't like your attention-seeking dog, whether dentists should intervene in people's supermarket shopping, and what is the absolute best present to give to a newborn baby for Christmas? Is there a secret Illuminati-club for blind people? What kind of art would a baby want for Christmas? Is a dog stronger than a baby? Are the raisin sections of supermarkets getting too big? Why do we keep talking about Gillian Duffy, the bigoted woman? Why did she say everything?
Tickets are now available for our live show at the Camden Fringe 2019 on Thursday 15th August 2019 from 08:30 pm at the Chapel Playhouse at 308 - 312 Grays Inn Road, London, United Kingdom, WC1X 8DP. Go to https://camdenfringe.com/show.php?acts_id=2401 to book tickets.
"If Generation X was so anti-capitalist then why does capitalism still exist?"
Weighty issues abound this week as we accidentally stumble across some actual anti-capitalism on Mumsnet but it turns out to be a web of bad takes. We learn what the Life in the UK test thinks are important indicators of Britishness and discuss the essence of British weekends. We also discuss whether or not you should tell a complete stranger to leave their partner, whether or not it's normal to not eat hot meals, and Simon reviews the latest films in the genre of 'cello drama'.
Tickets are now available for our live show at the Camden Fringe 2019 on Thursday 15th August 2019 from 08:30 pm at the Chapel Playhouse at 308 - 312 Grays Inn Road, London, United Kingdom, WC1X 8DP. Go to https://camdenfringe.com/show.php?acts_id=2401 to book tickets.
"The day you were born was the only day you'll show up to a room full of people naked."
So we really earn the 'explicit' tag this week as we discuss lewd song lyrics, blokes on the train effing and blinding, men weighing themselves completely naked, and whether it's reasonable to leave an adult sleepover to go and have sex. Don't let children listen to this. We also get into the differences between polo and water polo, putting your bare bum on the seat in an Uber, the implications of the ULEZ zone in London, the social etiquette of leaving a party, a textual analysis of 'Face Down A-- Up' by 2 Live Crew, and the various travails of Ben across the threads.
"Come on, David, leave the bag of syringes here in the playground: we have to go for a drive."
It's been 44 episodes but we're finally getting close to understanding the culture of Mumsnet and the site's snitches' charter. Join us as we discuss the unusual prevalence of nautical themes in bathrooms, find ways to bring down capitalism by requesting refunds on the substitutions for our online shopping, play a round of our regular game 'Haughty or Flirty?', we attend a cult wedding with a very normal sister-in-law, and, for some reason, we discuss whether it's unreasonable to TRAP A WORK COLLEAGUE IN A CELLAR WITH CLINICAL WASTE. Listen to the end for details of how to vote for us in the British Podcast Awards and how we're going to bribe listeners to do so with meat.
"Come is cheap."
This week we invite you to join us both for a delicious roast: pork, roast potatoes, broccoli, carrot, Yoskhire puddings, and cheese all sandwiched between two slices of toasted bread. Yum. We discuss the logistics of fitting the roast potatoes into this Worst Sandwich and the mysterious presence of cheese. Also: Do bankers really do a lot of cocaine? Should you live-vlog a first date as a YouTube influencer? And what should you put in your work email signature in order to not be a dick?
"What predates the EU and managed to get in? The Vikings."
Should you give your personal details to the Russian government? Who counts as a mother for Mother's Day? Should you be allowed to eat food that you enjoy? Would you let someone clean your house to give you more time to conceive? And most importantly which animals symbolise which countries? We also iron creases into our underpants, we carry a Viking longboat to Russia like Fitzcarraldo, we plan for a hot double cream recording, and we discuss Brexit Bill's eating preferences.
"This website is the bad take machine."
Welcome to another episode of the only podcast focused on the Am I Being Unreasonable board of Mumsnet. The only podcast that ever has been or ever will be focused on this area of the internet. This week, we discuss binbag thieves, the Plastic Police, and the finer points of stealing someone's identity; couples who go the GP together and speak in unison; we investigate some Mumsnet detective work into international dialtones; and we compare babies and cats. Spoiler alert: they are very different.
Sorry, the audio got a bit squiffy on this one so there's some alternating between stereo outputs. You might want to skip it if you find it uncomfortable to listen to.
"Who would you rather go to dinner with? Three unbearable women who are performatively ignoring chips and eating salad or Jerry Seinfeld?"
This week, we generate yet more income from this highly lucrative podcast by pitching a shot-for-shot remake of Sex And The City but with Mumsnet, advertising LaserLads: Just Two Guys With A Laser, and starting our campaign to nationalise Mumsnet. Among the questions discussed this week, when do you lawyer-up when a friend has lied to you for money, is it unreasonable to cryogenically freeze a hamster like Walt Disney, and have you seen Jerry Seinfeld's new observational comedy special exclusive to Mumsnet?
"He calls his wife. But who's on the other end of the line? It's Barry Scott."
We're pleased to announce that one of our hosts is branching out to start The Independent Podcast which accepts hosts from all other podcasts and is definitely a real idea and not a publicity stunt. While we're still doing this podcast, we learn the correct order in which to undertake life events, we investigate a case of egregious chocolate theft and cut off teenagers' hands to prevent theft, we look at funny pictures of Ronald McDonald on our phone, we speculate about McDonald's mascot Grimace's road-to-Damascus moment and their resemblance to adult toys, a mother time travels to protect her daughter from bad soup, and we remember Barry Scott, the shouty spokesperson for Cilit Bang.
"Join us the week after next for another dip into the well of misery."
We've emerged from our blanket cocoons to ask the important questions: What do parents do with their kids' teeth? Why do people keep umbilical cords? Should we advertise that we're stocking up on food? And should he not leave when I visit? Along the way, we ask Nobel-prize nominated ambassadors to leave the room, we take other people's children to underground no-questions-asked barbers, we print all our children's identifying characteristics on their school leaving hoodies, and we stock up on food for Brexit. That last one is not even a joke.
"Imagine if someone sent Jamie Oliver as your birthday treat."
We heed the words of Gillette and help people be the best that they can be. But then we hear that they're bugging the phones of their family members and sending elaborate birthday presents to school for our 16 year olds so it's tough. Is it unreasonable to hide in the park so your husband doesn't know you have a day off? Is it unreasonable to deliver pizzas to your kids at school? Is it unreasonable to be disappointed in George Ezra? And is it unreasonable to hire a private investigator to investigate your daughter-in-law?
"Did you vote Brexit because you were worried about a Polish person touching your Creme Eggs?"
New year, new unreasonables. Mumsnet has cranked it up for 2019. This week, we discuss what children should spend their Christmas money on and invent hot new Lego media properties; we talk about having babies for the maternity leave and the difficulty of sneaking a baby onto a rocket; we wonder about searching for white Creme Eggs and what the 'skin' of the Creme Egg is; we discuss the decline of the British high street and the Council of Anthropomorphised High Street Shops.
"My measure of success is how many people you can coax into a basement on a Thursday night while you just read stuff that other people have written on the internet."
We're simply having a reasonable Christmas time! This is the recording of our live show performed at the Chapel Playhouse on Grays Inn Road in London as part of their preview events. Thanks to everyone for coming and to the Chapel Playhouse for hosting us. For the holidays, we get our 'small relatives' dozens of paintings of horses as Christmas presents, we put our own decorations on someone else's corporate tree, we add the Minions to the nativity to pad out the story, we set up upstairs-downstairs Christmas trees to enforce good ol' British class divisions, we thoroughly review SheIn-brand loungewear suitable for gifts, and we leave a crate of beer for bin-men with binny-hands and man-buns.
"You're either depressed or you're a snitch: that's capitalism for you."
Pay attention to this week's keywords: A is for 'anti-capitalism' and S is for 'snitching' and 'spectral penises'. We discuss snitching on people who are sharing prescription drugs (in an anarchist company structure), snitching on people who steal from those online websites they have nowadays, snitching on parents who have 'free' childcare in the form of grandparents or other family members, and snitching on people flirting at a Christmas fair.
"The only thing that stops him drinking is people having their need for firewood sated."
We'll be honest: this one got away from us. Every podcast has a Lost Scooby-Doo Episode and this is ours. This week, is it unreasonable to buy firewood cash-in-hand from Beer-Money Billy? How can we appoint a specialist barber law solicitor if the apocalypse happens while we're at the barbers? Is it unreasonable of Scrappy-Doo to sell his family's ancient pieces of furniture? Should Christmas jumpers be banned in favour of Winterval jumpers? And is it unreasonable to expose young children to that weird CG Scooby-Doo from the live-action Scooby-Doo film?
Thursday, December 13, 2018 from 07:30 pm to 08:30 pm at the Chapel Playhouse at 308 - 312 Grays Inn Road, London, United Kingdom, WC1X 8DP
Go to http://www.chapelplayhouse.co.uk/ for details or https://events.time.ly/aart0an/20679541/tickets to book tickets
"This is bullshit, Carrie, and you know it!"
It's an episode of mysteries today as we unravel the Mystery of the Floor Penis, the Riddle of the Fashionistas, the Family, and the Hatbox, the Question of When the McConaissance Started, the Enigma of the Pasta 'N' Sauce, and the Case of the Hypnotic Hand-Driers. Is it unreasonable for restaurants to have gendered menus? Is it unreasonable to say "Sorry, we have plans today"? Is it unreasonable to expect for families to get taxis before Carrie Bradshaw? And is it unreasonable for friends to spend 40 minutes drying their hands?
"Vote: that'll do, pig."
In all our time delving into Mumsnet, we've never stumbled across that Mumsnet staple, the Poo Troll. Today we narrowly avoid this bad bad troll and instead discuss whether children (and pigs) should be allowed to vote, whether Ferrero Rochers are appropriate sweets for trick-or-treaters, whether to be friends with a half Jim Davidson, half Owen Jones abomination, whether you need to explain WHY you can't make it to an event, whether to eat children's Hallowe'en sweets, and we come up a radical new way of eating sweets to vote.
"Daddy has no life, does he, Mummy?"
It's a spooktacular Hallowe'en You Are Being Unreasonable in which the scariest thing is bigotry. This week, we spectacularly redecorate our rental property with extravagant murals and gold bathroom fittings, we go caravaning with husbands who have no interior lives, we steal chicken nuggets and chips but it's from a chain so it's anti-capitalist praxis, and we talk about one of the canonically Great Female Acting Roles and the influence of Matilda on clever little girls.
"I'd watch Ann Widdecombe: Cheese Investigators."
Should you read out the slides in your presentation? How do we approach our 'creative' colleagues? How do you accuse your mother-in-law of stealing your shoes? In answering these questions, we use stolen supermarket cheese to divine the future, we watch the Surgeon General read out the clip art on their TED talk, we wear flip-flops to express our artistry, and we steal wellies back from Satan.
"Who'd have thought the robot uprising would begin on Gransnet?"
It's a special cosy edition of You Are Being Unreasonable this week as we welcome autumn by checking in with the grans of Gransnet again. Once again, we are tasked to only watch and to never interfere as we watch the grans go on a coach-trip with people carrying their carrier bags full of other empty carrier bags, take their own pre-mashed vegetables to the pub for lunch, and use a series of ladders to get a pervy cat down from a tree in the garden just at the back and to the side. Meanwhile we realise that Brexit means Brexit which means the Toby Carvery, call out Summer as a sexual harasser, and work on jazzing up our speaking patterns to attract more listeners and develop parasocial relationships with existing listeners.
"Smushies, sossies, rashers, dippers."
This week, your favourite 8/10s look at Mumsnet once again and discover how to decorate a Marmite sofa, how to create Brunchables, how to "get things started" with someone, how to obliquely tell kids to pick stuff up off the floor, how to put lemurs in the bin, how to make rashers in the microwave at work, and whether it's possible to love a 3/10.
"Am I being unreasonable... sex towel?"
It's our 27th episode and we join the 27 Club. But instead of dying, we talk about going to Jeff Bridge's house to admire his single DVD, we storm off ineffectively, we get matched up with strangers to see the opening bit of a Seinfeld episode, we accuse Bodger & Badger of potato-related misdemeanours, and we visit the greatest service station in the world.
"Someone said 'I have no idea what is normal anymore after reading Mumsnet'."
Should you order a takeaway in the middle of a dinner party? What should you serve as appetisers at said dinner party? Should you post on Mumsnet about your guests while the guests are still there? Should you show people the itinerary from the holiday you went on four years ago? What times are appropriate to text your wedding DJs? And, while we're on DJs, what are some good names for 13 year old DJs? And why does Cher have so many bangers? We discover answers to all these questions and many more.
"You can't spell 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'."
Back at it again on Mumsnet. We encounter cheeky coffee drinkers, greeting cards for people who have left work following 'incidents', glockenspiel murderers, dogs who have eaten earphone cables 'Lady and the Tramp'-style, smelly Jesus, and accidental children.
"Children aren't good at playing along with crimes..."
Bonjour! Ça va? Oui, ça va bien, et tu? In this week's episode, we rush to A&E rather than pay £4 for two small bottles of water to take away, we vow - VOW! - that our children won't go through the trauma of having the same name as other children in their class, we scalp tickets for a children's production of Hamilton, and we come up with a new secret signal for Mumsnetters to identify one another.
"Worry about global warming before you worry about your children being on an iPad."
How best to beat the heat? Reading Mumsnet threads, of course! This week, teachers look forward to their holidays, we discover the sound of the Internet, we leave children to travel on planes on their own, we learn about the advanced Mumsnet technique, The Reverse, and we drink strawberry Nesquik to remind us of being on the Riviera.
Also, we're moving to fortnightly episodes from now on. See you on 19th July!
"Would I be unreasonable to take a doll to the barbers?"
This week on You Are Being Unreasonable, we're replaced by 18-21 year-olds home from university who we pay minimum-wage to work for us. They discuss using spaghetti carbonara as a murder weapon, reporting our children to an ombudsman, they define 'nepotism', and unveil our newest, least popular segment, Simon's IT Corner.
"I never thought I was profligate in my sausage-eating habits."
We're back from honeymoon to delve into Mumsnet's AIBU board once again. This week, we eat sausage-quarters like kings, we fill our house with thousands of Mr Men books, and we fart to punctuate sentences.
"Am I being unreasonable? Should I go to the Dog Carnival or clean?"
A full slate of unreasonableness this week as we hide around the corner waiting to interrupt engagements, we unveil our three-point packed lunch manifesto, we mix veggie and non-veggie meatballs, and we resent our neighbours' Eyes Wide Shut barbeque/orgies.
"Adam Ant: not as bad as Stalin."
This week, it's the most ambitious crossover event in podcast history as we're joined by Stuart Moses of the Improv London Podcast (https://soundcloud.com/improvlondon) to dive with us into Mumsnet's AIBU forum. Together, the three of us list soft cheeses, obliquely reference the theft of a dog on Facebook, we seduce Nye Bevan's wife, and go to the Mirror Universe version of Mumsnet where all the OPs have goatee beards.
"If anyone has any YouTube videos of a puppy successfully eating Manchego cheese but leaving the waxy rind perfectly intact and then placing it back in the fridge, I would like to watch those videos."
Another deep dive into Mumsnet's AIBU forum. This week, we look for Schrödinger's cheese, we get asked for our marital status to buy chicken nuggets, and we get engaged again. If you have any Mumsnet AIBU threads for us to look at, please let us know on Twitter at @YABUnreasonable.
"If you don't want to see that thong, don't play the song."
Thanks to everyone who sent us Mumsnet AIBU threads this week for us to discuss. We really appreciate you wading into the forums on our behalf. Glasses upon glasses in this episode as we invoice babies for broken wine glasses and improve Les Misérables with a spectacles-focused reimagining. We also take children up Mount Everest for a picnic and Sisqó requests to see that thong during the general swim session.
"Nom nom, pizza pizza."
This week, we wade once more into the hellscape of Mumsnet. We discover a house set on fire in a celebratory fashion, drive-by pizza accidents, six year-olds drinking Pornstar Martinis, and Paul Hollywood's sex-gut.
It's a baby-filled episode this week as we discuss Royal babies, recruiting babies as firefighters, trusting infants to deal with in-flight emergencies, and taking children to job interviews, and whether babies should have tans. We also demand haircuts as our birthright and petition for the nationalisation of shampoo.
You can vote for us in the Listeners' Choice Award category at the British Podcast Awards at https://www.britishpodcastawards.com/vote Go do that.
"Am I being unreasonable to sing an adapted version of Blurred Lines to my cat?"
We're back! After our break, MumsNet overfloweth with baffling threads. This week, we replace /everything/ with Peppa Pig, we eat a Tudor buffet at our desks in the office, we go to Robin Thicke-friendly churches, and Detective Pikachu investigates our local corner shop.
"Let's hear it for the grans!"
It's a GransNet special! This week, we delve into GransNet and discover the annoyingly reasonable grans of this forum: we dress like dowdy sacks of pasta, children are brainwashed by Postcode Lottery to forget the true meaning of Easter, aliens make contact with strangers in vans, and we meet our best new recurring character, Coffee Sue.
"I just wanted a Dine-In-For-Two and now I'm in jail."
This week, we burn our trousers, we speculate about the family of [Family relation]Net sites, and we get unreasonably het up about seat reservations on trains.
"Muttering incantations in the long-forgotten eldritch language of the Elder Gods is a bit much."
This week, we endlessly move their fruit bowl to keep up with the neighbours, we ponder the inscrutable and impossible geometry of the mysterious box room, and Simon gets obsessed with summoning the Elder Forgotten Gods.
"Get your own baby fashion, motherfucker."
This week we're joined by very special guest star, Fiona Ashley, who joins us as we escape a first date by having a wee in a cab, we finally throw away that portrait of Mussolini that brings us now joy, we get disinvited from a dog wedding, and Fi provides a perfect summary of Disney's Frozen (2013) leading us to accidentally write some erotic fan-fiction. Onwards and upwards, goodbye!
"And also don't let your five year-old walk around a museum saying "Fuck you" to all the paintings. That's not OK."
This week, we do yoga on a plane in 1977, we cry about everything from Rothkos to breakfast gravy, and Simon launches his London mayoral campaign.
"What's the Little Red Hen got to do with it? It should be the Little Red State."
This week on You Are Being Unreasonable, we consider ourselves very lucky to have found such great topics to discuss: library Oompa-Loompas segregating adults and children, driving middle-class friends to Waitrose for veg, and, as always, Hugh Jackman's 2017 movie The Greatest Showman.
"Jam, not ham!"
In this episode of You Are Being Unreasonable, we "let" Alexa "come" to "live" with us, we don't answer the door, we dip bananas in margarine, and we get surprisingly serious about workers' rights and small business ownership.
"Am I being unreasonable re. shitting man?"
In this sixth episode of You Are Being Unreasonable, we ask about toilet etiquette, we drink ONLY the freshest of milks, and we meet BBC One's newest detectives, Driver and Pedestrian.
(We had some trouble with the audio on this one so, particularly in the first five minutes, it might be bit janky. Sorry!)
"Next thing you know you're drinking a flaming glass of milk." In this episode, we explore clichéd mother-in-law drama, the social anxieties of going to a pub, and we uncover the secrets of the New New World Order.
In our second episode of You Are Being Unreasonable, people are furious about early Christmas shoppers, book etiquette is discussed, wedding speeches are made, and chickens are released.
(The audio for this episode got a bit heavily clipped so some sentences might cut off prematurely. Sorry!)