Social Distancer

Social Distancer

By Pete Harrison
Daily update of a COVID 19 social distancer.
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Episode 34 - Noel's update from New York

Social Distancer

Episode 34 - Noel's update from New York

Social Distancer

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Episode 72 - Cummins Stays Another Day
Cummins staying, like it looks like he might, is probably the biggest gift politically for Labour. It will probably lead to more deaths, though, so tonight I wrote to my Tory MP (the only people Bonson Johnson will pay attention to) to register my wish that Cummins goes. *Contains swearing*
24:34
May 26, 2020
Episode 71 - The Cummins Effect
Social distancing was observed by about 50% of the people we saw on Dartmoor today. Meanwhile Cummins tests his eyesight by driving miles with his four year old child in the back! The two strands of the COVID-19 story have converged. *Contains swearing*
27:52
May 25, 2020
Episode 70 - Johnson Backs Cummins
Well that was a surprise! With no apology, no inquiry and avoiding questions, an insulting and dangerous Johnson praised Cummins' instincts and left it at that! We'll see in the next few days if people start to ignore lockdown. With warm, sunny half term days the instinct of many will be to 'do a Cummins'. *Contains swearing*
27:26
May 24, 2020
Episode 69 - Cummins Crisis Bumper Special
The wheels are falling off the cart with revelations tonight that Cummins visited Durham again, after recovering! He went to a castle on Easter Sunday! My thoughts on BoJo's crisis in a 30 minute special episode: listen in installments over the course of a few lifetimes. *Contains swearing*
31:54
May 24, 2020
Episode 68 - Is he Cummins or going?
**BREAKING NEWS** Dom Cummins broke lockdown while he had COVID-19 symptoms. The calls for him to resign are growing. Meanwhile, will we soon be able to look up the local R number as easily as the local weather? That's one of the ideas from Independent SAGE. The real SAGE (the cartoon version, like The Real Ghostbusters) didn't shed much light on whether schools would be safe when they open. *Contains swearing*
14:35
May 22, 2020
Episode 67 - BoJo's Surcharge U-Turn Hell
At PMQs yesterday Starmer said Labour would table an amendment to the Immigration Bill, calling for the NHS surcharge to be scrapped for NHS and care workers. BoJo defended it, but tonight he's U-turned. A victory! Meanwhile Hattie Mancock is backing away from the track and trace app being ready for June 1st. *Contains swearing*
19:24
May 21, 2020
Episode 66 - PMQs: Like Back to the Future III but without the weird kid
Blusterbus BoJo Bonson Johnson is back! With a PMQs performance better than last week's, it looks like he's refound his groove for avoidance, lies and time wasting. Starmer and Bonson will probably fall into a pattern of forensics Vs bullshit. *Contains swearing*
15:47
May 20, 2020
Episode 65 - The Blame Game
We now have 60,000+ excess deaths due to COVID-19 and a schism is opening up between the scientists and the politicians. Theresa Coffey is blaming the scientists, the scientists are blaming the government's decisions. Meanwhile Piers Brosnan goes Gonzo. And where's BoJo? Preparing to baste Starmer at PMQs tomorrow. *Contains swearing*
18:08
May 19, 2020
Episode 64 - Where is BoJo Bonson Johnson?
"Who are we gonna get today?" So goes the call of the eager viewers at home, waiting by their phones to hear the latest premeditated criminal acts from a random Cabinet member in the daily government briefing. But where's BoJo? It's weird that the publicity hungry egomaniac isn't fronting the briefing every day! Is he still shaking off COVID-19? Is he changing nappies? Who knows! *Contains swearing*
12:54
May 18, 2020
Episode 63 - Cuddle Curtain
A man desperate for a cuddle with his mum designs the future. Keir Starmer loves his mum too, and enabled her to continue looking after rescue donkeys after she lost mobility (cue the Mail on Sunday doing the worst hit job in the history of journalism). The teacher unions demand test, track and isolate before returning to schools, so the government are weirdly trying to convince us that teachers don't care about children! *Contains swearing*
18:08
May 17, 2020
Episode 62 - The Truth Lies Elsewhere
In a world of lies and cover ups, we have all stepped through the mirror and live now amongst dangerous nonsense. Sebald and Kermit the frog help to make sense of it. *Contains swearing*
15:43
May 16, 2020
Episode 61 - The story of Fido the Amazing Dog
I celebrate Charlie Brooker and AntiViral Wipe crew for a brilliant, unmissable show. We visit Dartmoor and witness an incredible dog, Fido, change our lives forever. Meanwhile Matty Handcock lies about care homes, the R value is rising and the Mail go to the extremes to try to justify an insane idea. A normal day for the decrepit failure of Johnson's government. *Contains swearing*
21:30
May 15, 2020
Episode 60 - New Zealand Haircuts
New Zealand are celebrating their success after going into hard lockdown early. They have recorded only 21 deaths and 96% of the approx. 1,500 cases have recovered. Now they can meet up in groups of 10 and get their haircut. Slightly different from that testiculating walrus BoJo Bonson Johnson. *Contains swearing*
08:19
May 14, 2020
Episode 59 - PMQs: Stare into the mirror. Dare you say his name 3 times? Starmer, Starmer, STARMER!
Starmer causes brain swell for every journalist pressured to come up with a play on words that aptly summarises the difference between him and Johnson at PMQs today. He led him to the lake, drowned him there, waited for many hundreds of thousands of years while the cadaver became fossilized, then he smashed that fossil into little bits, ground it up and drank it. *Contains swearing*
10:58
May 13, 2020
Episode 58 - Care Homes Crisis
Today's ONS figures show the overall number of deaths from COVID-19 in care homes is larger than the COVID-19 deaths in hospitals. Meanwhile care homes were pressured to take back COVID-19 patients from hospitals or lose PPE funding! How is that not criminal? No wonder newspapers around the world are reporting the UK government's basketcase response. *Contains swearing*
09:26
May 12, 2020
Episode 57 - First, do no harm
So the new ruse in Westminster is that Whitty and Vallance didn't agree to the new strategy because they are not experts in communication! It's not as if there's 32,000+ confirmed (55,000+ estimated) deaths. What happened to the guiding principle of medicine, first do no harm? Paterson gets a cushy deal for the company that pays him £100,000 a year and England slips further into the mire. *Contains swearing*
12:28
May 11, 2020
Episode 56 - Expect A 2nd Peak: Bonson Johnson's dangerous roadmap
Having expected a roadmap close to the Ireland plan, we get obscurity and vague slogans. How can everything Bonson Johnson touches turn to shit? I express my frustrations, helped by a snippet of brilliance from John Gielgud! *Contains swearing*
15:13
May 10, 2020
Episode 55 - I fought the law (and the law won)
I tell the story of how we broke into a forest and were caught by the cops! I preview BoJo Bonson Johnson's roadmap announcement tomorrow night and report on a freaky encounter with a Dartmoor pony! *Contains swearing*
15:03
May 9, 2020
Episode 54 - Live and Let Die
The Welsh government make slight adjustments to their lockdown, teeing up BoJo for Sunday to do similar, and probably go a bit further. I talk about meeting up with friends while shouting from our parked car, a lovely day on Dartmoor, Trump's surreal visit to a factory and the Vera Lynn banger. *Contains swearing*
07:18
May 9, 2020
Episode 53 - The Y'know Show
I have edited together all the hundreds of times I've said 'Y'know' into a rhythm of machine gun furiousness that will almost certainly permanently scar you! Only kidding! I do a passable Brian Blessed impression, predict BoJo Bonson Johnson's roadmap and question whether some of the high standards of the British newspaper industry have slipped. *Contains swearing*
22:42
May 7, 2020
Episode 52 - Starmer! BoJo! FIGHT!
Sir Kier Starmer makes a lovely string of sausages from the BoJo mincemeat he harvested at PMQs. ***LISTEN VIA ANCHOR*** to hear Tony Allen and Hugh Masekela to celebrate Tony Allen's life and commemorate his death. R.I.P. *Contains swearing*
16:25
May 6, 2020
Episode 51 - The Highest Deaths in Europe
The UK overtakes Italy as the country with the highest number of confirmed deaths from COVID-19 in Europe. Only the US have more confirmed deaths. The ONS figures, and those from Scotland and Northern Ireland brings the number to 32,313. The FT Economic Editor, Chris Giles is estimating 53,800 deaths up to today, extrapolating from ONS and other official data. *Contains swearing*
12:19
May 5, 2020
Episode 50 - Megamix Special: 7 weeks in 10 minutes!
We celebrate 50 episodes with a megamix of the best of the last 7 weeks of podcasts! Featuring Giant Doctor, my medical emergency, a chronology of the UK government's many mistakes, Abraham Lincoln, Noel's starling story, Phil's joke, Vicky and Martha describing a river, Tom, Catherine, Kerrie, Joanna, Augusto at the piano and Emily welcoming the summer. Thank you, loyal listener, for choosing to spend some of your time with us all! Here's to the next 50! X *Contains swearing*
22:37
May 4, 2020
Episode 49 - The Only Way is NHSX
With the UK death toll about to take over Italy's, I compare tests in both countries. Meanwhile there's a stench at No.10: Marc Warner, the brother of Ben Warner - data analyst for Vote Leave and now BoJo's data lad, who attends SAGE meetings with Dom Cummins - has landed the lucrative NHSX contract over Apple & Google collaborating to make the COVID-19 tracker app! *Contains swearing*
15:42
May 3, 2020
Episode 48 - Emily in Tokyo (Summer is here!)
Emily gives an update on life in Tokyo where the government have extended the lockdown by a month. Meanwhile I'm impressed by Irish Taoiseach Leo Varadkar's roadmap out of lockdown and I compare him to the scoundrels representing the UK government. *Contains swearing*
22:13
May 2, 2020
Episode 47 - Public Enemy Number 1
Matty Hancock spins his way to claiming over 120,000 tests, but it's not true. No surprise there. They tested 73,000 people yesterday! Also, I name and shame the bozo who sold PPE assigned for NHS workers, record the sound of a river and do a pretty good Lincoln impression! *Contains swearing*
07:41
May 1, 2020
Episode 46 - Happy Birthday Captain Moore
As the nation celebrates the 100th birthday of Captain Tom Moore I add to the festivities with joy at BoJo Bonson Johnson's upbeat message on face coverings. *Contains swearing*
08:16
April 30, 2020
Episode 45 - I Am Lord Voldemort!
I am really sorry to all you Potterheads out there for misremembering the Voldemort anagram. I hope Harry Potter himself appearing as a guest in tonight's episode makes up for my error. Meanwhile I talk care home advice and statistics. *Contains swearing*
11:56
April 29, 2020
Episode 44 - Joanna in Scotland (with mask)
Nicola Sturgeon is now advising everyone in Scotland to wear a face covering when going out of the house. My friend Joanna returns to the podcast to share her thoughts. Meanwhile Gove continues to be a source of ridicule, Panorama exposes the UK government's failings over PPE and the ONS figures start to reflect the catastrophe in care homes. *Contains swearing*
17:15
April 28, 2020
Episode 43 - Catherine in Tipperary, Ireland
Although Bojo is back at his desk the politicians and scientists continue to bluff their way out of answering simple questions. Catherine, my friend in Tipperary, looks at the Irish government's response to COVID-19 and talks about her family's experiences.
21:21
April 27, 2020
Episode 42 - Bojo and The Catastrophes
It looks like Dominic Cummins is the first political advisor to attend SAGE meetings since its inception in 2009. But nevermind, Bojo is back at work tomorrow! Just in time!
19:09
April 26, 2020
Episode 41 - Augusto in Brighton
Today we mark the tragic milestone of over 20,000 COVID-19 deaths IN UK hospitals, but with the deaths in care homes and people dying at home added the actual figure is estimated to be over 45,000. My friend Augusto talks about taking piano lessons remotely. I visit Dartmoor. *Contains swearing*
13:54
April 25, 2020
Episode 40 - Guided by the science (as approved by Dominic Cummins)
We are 40! Another bloomin' marvelous example of leadership for the US and UK. Trump wants us to inject disinfectant! Cummins is on the board of scientists advising the government! Meanwhile, I go to Dartmoor, see horses, record birdsong and talk about dogs. Have a happy weekend and safe weekend! *Contains swearing*
22:21
April 24, 2020
Episode 39 - The new new normal
We venture out to Dartmoor for more birdsong and a gallop with the horses. Meanwhile in Scotland Nicola Sturgeon tells the Scots there's to be a grown up conversation about the new new normal. *Contains swearing*
17:50
April 23, 2020
Episode 38 - The opposite of what you want
A friend (and podcast contributer) responds to my brother's callout in the most delightful way. Meanwhile, the Financial Times have extrapolated the statistics from UK hospital deaths and the ONS; they calculate that over 41,000 people have died from COVID-19 in the UK. Tests and the rest focus Kier Starmer in his first PMQs. All in all, a good old jolly holiday with Mary (Poppins) then. *Contains swearing*
15:05
April 22, 2020
Episode 37 - The Wide Open Spaces of Dartmoor
We went to Dartmoor! Amazing sunshine, beautiful day and nobody around! Hear the exciting outside broadcast - including birdsong! Meanwhile, I talk ONS and a pharmacy run by idiots, and my brother Phil uses this podcast to ask you for resources for his three children with additional needs. *Contains swearing*
23:40
April 21, 2020
Episode 36 - Oh Brother!
I'm hooked on Costello, the virologist critical of the UK government response. My younger brother Phil gives his thoughts on lockdown. I wonder who will win the Noble Prize for Medicine - will it be Sarah Gilbert, the Oxford based virologist who is 80% certain of a vaccine by September. *Contains swearing*
11:16
April 20, 2020
Episode 35 - My Unified Theory of Toms
I tell you about my super power of recognising people called Mark via a supernatural energy that cuts through the hubbub and tells me directly that they are a Mark. I'm now developing a unified theory of Toms. I also talk about the Sunday Times article laying out the many failures of the UK government in response to COVID-19. *Contains swearing*
19:15
April 19, 2020
Episode 34 - Noel's update from New York
Noel in New York sends his third journal reading. It is poetic and profound; New York continues to be the epicenter of the global COVID-19 outbreak and Noel quotes very worrying statistics. Have a safe weekend.
11:29
April 18, 2020
Episode 33 - Clapping Coppers
The UK is behind on testing. The UK public give money to the NHS via a very old walking man. The Met Police show Londoners how to misbehave by staging a ridiculous PR stunt on a bridge, endangering hundreds of lives. Another day in a weird world.
08:45
April 17, 2020
Episode 32 - The R is minus 1
Great news that the R (the number of people infected by a COVID-19 carrier) is now below 1, meaning if we stay like this the virus will not spread. Also Sadiq Khan is lobbying for masks to be worn. And we clapped for the key workers tonight!
10:09
April 16, 2020
Episode 31 - Joanna in Fife, Scotland
The world tips into Armando Ianniucci's head. Matty Hancock responds to the millions working in care homes asking for a living wage, tests and PPE by launching a badge! Boris the sitcom is scrapped after the pilot episode. My friend Joanna sends her thoughts from bonnie Scotland. And Billy Connolly, the King of All Scots, slags off Bojo Bonson Johnson.
19:15
April 15, 2020
Episode 30 - The Champaign scene
Every time Rishi says "brilliant" an angel dies! Care homes hit the headlines and I continue to see the joy in every moment.
06:07
April 14, 2020
Episode 29 - Don't stroke your cat
More tales from Erinslake as Phin the Scarhealer and Zoppo the Fluke journey into the Wise Woods...er, sorry, no - just the usual death statistics and anti-government rants on your favourite COVID-19 knockabout comedy podcast.
13:49
April 13, 2020
Episode 28 - 10,000+ dead
I mark a sad day as the number of deaths in hospitals from COVID-19 reaches 10,000+, and the number is being suppressed. Matt Hancock is still a terrible liar. I want a journalist to ask this question to the government: if the NHS has capacity, why are people dying at home?
11:19
April 12, 2020
Episode 27 - They should all resign!
I talk about the Queen harbouring her son, Prince Andrew the paedophile. I trace an odd feeling I've had all day to the future car crash of Boris Johnson and his band of incompetent fuckwits messing up the distribution of a vaccine. A cheery Passover and Easter to you all!
16:44
April 11, 2020
Episode 26 - Emily in Tokyo
Emily, a friend who lives in the outskirts of Tokyo, sends her thoughts on the Japanese government's state of emergency. Japan currently have 99 recorded deaths from COVID-19 but a spike in confirmed cases in the last week has led to the government's announcement. But will it make any difference? Also, I look at the Office of National Statistics data and question the true number of people in the UK who have died from COVID-19.
09:53
April 10, 2020
Episode 25 - Nostradamus Twain
I talk about the way out of this crisis via lockdown/release. As a special Easter treat I belt out a Shania Twain classic that is terrifying me!
19:34
April 9, 2020
Episode 24 - Happy Happy Joy Joy
With 938 deaths from COVID-19 in UK hospitals reported over the last 24 hours, I talk about the UK government's response. Why did the scientists get it so wrong? Why didn't they continue to contact trace? Are people taking the lockdown seriously? As you can imagine, it's a laugh riot.
17:51
April 8, 2020
Episode 23 - He's a fighter!!
I talk about the irritating habit of describing people with illnesses (like Boris Johnson) as fighters. It implies that all those dying from COVID-19 didn't fight enough, or didn't want to live as much as those that survive.
14:43
April 7, 2020
Episode 22 - Boris Johnson in Intensive care
I talk about Boris Johnson being transferred to an ICU, how New Zealand got their COVID-19 response right, and the lag in death statistics.
10:19
April 6, 2020
Episode 21 - I believe in Bill Gates
I talk about footage of people in Hong Kong all wearing masks, Bill Gates setting up vaccination labs, Boris Johnson in hospital, and a nasty Twitter spat.
19:44
April 5, 2020
Episode 20 - Floating Head
Our fun outside is interrupted by an idiot. I discuss the lag in death statistics and the local Hattersley robot.
13:07
April 4, 2020
Episode 19 - The Queen! The Queen!
On Sunday The Queen will spew forth her message of community and togetherness from her heavily-guarded castle in Windsor. I find a scrap of optimisim in the gloom with the news that NHS Nightingale isn't yet needed, because London hospitals still have capacity, and I prepare myself for glimpsing at sunshine through the window this weekend.
14:05
April 3, 2020
Episode 18 - The End is not The End
I talk about a podcast featuring a palliative care professional who campaigns to ease people's fear of death, and praise a brilliant documentary about the rumours of a curse connected to William Friedkin's 1973 masterpiece The Exorcist.
14:22
April 2, 2020
Episode 17 - Let's Go Outside!
I try to explain a new report by the School of Tropical Medicine. Basically, it's good news and read the thing yourselves. We go outside for a short drive to a local field, where I'm fretting about every moving thing!
13:19
April 1, 2020
Episode 16 - Where's the key for the PPE warehouse?
I speculate wildly about Gary Davies, question whether Michael Gove is the person to lead us out of this unprecedented crisis, get eaten by a wolf, lose my legs and give you the perfect reason to hang up on the livefeed of my funeral.
11:48
March 31, 2020
Episode 15 - Tom in Shropshire
I talk about how the world might look 10 years after the COVID-19 crisis. Major, urgent global change had happened in 8 weeks, so never again will anyone believe those who say we can't make the changes necessary over 8 years to combat the worst impacts of the climate catastrophe. Tom, an old friend, reports from rural Shropshire where COVID-19 has only recently changed people's routines.
16:23
March 30, 2020
Episode 14 - Noel in New York
I wash the shopping delivery and maintain my self-isolation. Noel sends a iconoclastic journal reading from New York, currently the epicentre of the COVID-19 pandemic.
12:10
March 29, 2020
Episode 13 - Catching a Ball or Looking at a Door
We go outside to play and get some sun. I am vigilant to the possibility that the errant neighbours may infect us. I write a sign telling people to get away from our house. My medical emergency takes the weekend off. Catherine reads a poem, the perfect way to spend a few minutes to relax.
15:00
March 28, 2020
Episode 12 - The Giant Doctor Story
I have a medical emergency that means we have to break the self-isolation to go to the medical centre. We have in-car reporting from the medical centre car park! I tell the story of my middle of the night encounter with Giant Doctor.
21:07
March 27, 2020
Episode 11 - The Grandmother Query
I have a bizarre health scare, a friend waits to hear from Rishi Sunak and I ask the biggest question of all!
14:32
March 27, 2020
Episode 10 - Thru The Mirror
Everything looks the same but everything is different. The world outside the window looks beautiful but is toxic.
07:13
March 25, 2020
Episode 9 - How to describe water
I talk about how strange it is to be an orphan during a global crisis. On a much lighter note, the youngest daughter of the family on their walk chooses a fantastic word to describe water.
09:46
March 24, 2020
LOCKDOWN SPECIAL!
A special pod addressing Boris Johnson's announcement that all shops apart from food shops and pharmacies, and all public areas in the UK are to close immediately.
04:00
March 23, 2020
Episode 8 - Report of a walk by the river
Friends who are also social distancing send a report of a recent walk.
13:28
March 23, 2020
Episode 7 - Stories to tell
The weight of the crisis has hit me harder today. The UK is losing the fight. Catherine shares her thoughts on the terrible situation in Italy. I think of all the stories that will be told, in time.
10:11
March 22, 2020
Episode 6 - Noel's Journal
A walk in the countryside and a friend from New York reading from his journal.
05:40
March 21, 2020
Episode 5 - The Flame Alphabet
A shocking report from Italy prompts me to think how this global crisis could be worse, and Catherine and Freya continue their conversation.
08:54
March 20, 2020
Episode 4 - Catherine and Freya
An old friend and get daughter talk about how COVID 19 is impacting life in Clonmel, Ireland, and I find an old recording of my dearly departed dad saying his name!
07:54
March 20, 2020
Episode 3 - Shop Terror
A visit to my local shop leads to a minor confrontation.
10:11
March 18, 2020
Episode 2 - Rod Ruffle
A nighttime walk around my quiet neighbourhood.
03:12
March 17, 2020
Episode 1
Following the UK government's dramatic advice to wait until the weekend for people like me, with long term health conditions to social distance, I decided not to go to work at a large secondary school and make today Day 1.
03:50
March 17, 2020
March 16, 2020
00:40
March 16, 2020