Your Strong Relationship

Kayla Levin and Devora Krasnianski talk about relationships and stress around Yom Tov.  We speak about in-laws, disappointments &  expectations, differences of ideas,  parents, kids. And how to manage our thoughts and feelings and ultimately our experience.  Jam-packed with insights and perspectives.

www.adaiad.org  www.kaylalevin.com

Dr. Yossi Shaffer

Dr. Binyamin Tepfer talks about how pornography addiction can impact a marriage. Covering: "Should I get married or begin dating with an addiction?" "Should I get into a relationship with someone who has or had an addiction?"  How to talk about a porn or sex addiction during dating. What type of help is appropriate. 

more from this series at www.adaiad.org/marriage-ready

www.adaiad.org  www.maskparents.org

Rabbi Dr. Benzion Twerski talks about how addiction can impact a relationship. Covering: "Should I get married or begin dating with an addiction?" "Should I get into a relationship with someone who has or had an addiction?"  

more from this series at www.adaiad.org/marriage-ready  

www.adaiad.org  www.maskparents.org

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Basie Rosenblat, LCSW-R about some key mindsets and tools for your successful marriage.

Rabbi YY Jacobson shares an hashkafic view of ending an abusive marriage.

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Dr. Shmuel Brachfeld about how to prepare for your successful marriage - in the time before marriage.

• Introduction. 
• Planting seeds that will be helpful in marriage. 
• Why get married? It's not good for a man to be alone.  
• Become one unit as husband and wife. 
• Understanding what is a relationship. 
• Relationship is so much more than what they do for us. 
• In a relationship, two people experience each other. 
• A marriage is a relationship based on choice - every day, I commit again. 
• At the end of the day, we know we can rely on each other - a  'couple bubble'. 
• Each of you shouldn't lose yourself in the relationship. Consent.   
• Privacy vs secrecy.  (Reach out for help when something is off .) 
• Self-awareness is crucial for a successful marriage. 
• When have differences, see yourselves as me and you together AGAINST the problem. 
• Learn effective ways to communicate your needs. 
• Dan lkaf zchus: "What's the possible back story?" 
• Q: what is expected from the 'man'?

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Hindi Kalmenson of Relationshift about effective mindsets for staying connected with your husband through the busyness, joys and stress of Pesach. In this talk, Hindi shares several very practical applications of the mashpia-mekabel dynamic. How to really receive what your husband is contributing to you and the family. We also talk about how to have conversations about what you each want for the Pesach experience, how to work out when there are differences of perspectives, and how to share responsibilities.  

www.adaiad.org

www.createrelationshift.com

• 0:00 Introduction 
• 1:21 How to start preparing and thinking about Pesach. 
• 5:10 Think about what you want from this Pesach. 
• 9:20 How to plan together for a meaningful Pesach. 
• 15:25 When you have different ideas for Pesach. 
• 20:00 When your husband brings up an idea that you find difficult. 
• 30:10  Talking about sharing responsibilities for preparing for Pesach. 
• 34:10  Receive what your husband is offering to you. 
• 39:28 Help your husband know what and how you want to receive. 
• 46:30  Don't hint at it, be vulnerable to express your desire. 
• 49:30 Know your stressors and what will help you destress. 
• 53:10 Wrap up

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Reb. Malki Spira, LMHC and Ruchama Clapman of MASK about how to prepare for your successful marriage - in the time before marriage.   

• Introduction
• Preparing now for your marriage relationship.
• The role of the wife has been transformed and this impacts expectations of marriage.
• Unrealistic expectations directly impacts happiness.
• In every marriage, there will be many unreconcilable differences. 
• Notice your expectations about marriage. 
• It is important that those differences don’t turn into gridlock (fighting or withdrawing). 
• About being mevater (relinquish needs/ wants) in marriage. Dos and don’ts. 
• How you handle the problems is more important than what the problems are. 
• There really isn’t a perfect person out there who can fulfill all your needs. 
• Strengthening the tools and mindsets for your marriage. 
• Commitment is integral for marriage to feel safe enough to be vulnerable. 
• You are two parts of one whole. What to do for your husband. 
• Q: What can we do in the time before marriage to develop these skills?  
• Wrap up

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Yehuda (Hudi) Kowalsky, LMHC and Ruchama Clapman of MASK about how past trauma can impact your future relationship and what you can do to set yourself up for success.   

• Introduction 
• What is 'trauma'? How does someone know if they still have the trauma 'in them'? 
• In what ways does trauma impact relationships? 
• What if you function well, do you still need to specifically address the trauma? 
• How does someone know if they worked through the trauma enough for marriage? 
• If someone had a trauma, should they check in with a professional? 
• What type of therapy modalities be called for trauma? 
• How intergenerational trauma can impact someone. 
• Talking about the trauma of sexual abuse. 
• How to share about a trauma on a date. 
• Q: Does 12 Steps help with working through trauma? 
• Q: Dealing with the trauma of their own divorce. 
• People grow and thrive because of a trauma. 
• Q: Trauma around religion. 56:21  Final thoughts.

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Sara Gita Soble of Mindshift about effective communication in marriage. It's much more than words - it is a mindset.  

www.adaiad.org

www.createrelationshift.com  

• 0:00 About this talk 
• 3:18 Why do people communicate? 
• 5:00 Where do people get stuck in their communication? 
• 6:25 Communication is more than a set of tools. 
• 7:21 It’s all about the mindset under the communication. 
• 9:05 1. Create space  2. Find value. 
• 13:11 Find the value in the other’s ideas. 
• 14:14 Have genuine curiosity. 
• 18:00 Assume there is value and then find it. 
• 28:21 When there is respect, you can find wonderful solutions together. 
• 29:13 What to do when values conflict. 
• 32:56 In an environment of respect and safety, creativity can flow. 
• 33:45 The 5 secrets of effective communication. 
• 38:07 You don’t need to ever get to being on the same page. 
• 41:18 Move from ‘your way’ and ‘my way’ to a third way. 
• 47:08 We don’t need to control the whole situation. 
• 47:48 Recap of the 5 secrets. 
• 50:21 Wrap up

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Dovid Lieblich, CFP, EA about what newly married should know about building their financial future.  

(slides and other related resources www.adaiad.org/financial-future)  

• Introduction
• About Dovid Lieblich and his story
• Newly marrieds have the best opportunity to forge a path for financial success
• It's not about how much you make, it's how you use your money (costs of living)
• "Pay yourself first". Save first then budget your expenses.
• How much to save
• Saving for retirement (even in your 20s!) 
• Emergency fund 
• Saving for something specific (ex: trip, Bar Mitzvah) 
• Have separate accounts
• Budgets/ spending plans (use debit cards, pay credit card weekly) 
• Understanding credit cards 
• "Get rich quick" schemes are very risky 
• Mistakes young people make  
• Life insurance 
• Questions answered  (more about credit cards/ credit reports) 
• Savings accounts vs Bonds 
• Paying taxes before maaser, before saving 
• How to contact Dovid 
• Traditional IRA and Roth IRA 
• Quick overview of investing 
• Final Thoughts

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Rivka Krumholz, LMFT,  Rabbi Simcha Feuerman, LCSW-R, DHL and Ruchama Clapman of MASK about what is couples therapy all about.  

• Introductions of panelists 
• About MASK 
• What is Couples Therapy? What are the benefits? 
• It is the Relationship that is the client, not the two people. 
• Why do people delay going to therapy? 
• Is money a deterrent?  (Is it a priority issue?) 
• Your relationship impacts your thinking, decisions (at work, etc.) 
• What is the experience in the therapy room? 
• What are typical issues addressed in couples therapy?   What is contraindicated for couples therapy? 
• What if one spouse doesn't want to go to therapy? 
• The different types of modalities of couples therapy? When to know what type of therapy is best for the situation?  How to choose a therapist? 
• About the therapist's credentials and specializations - which is best? 
• What if one spouse is dealing with trauma, does that need individual therapy in addition to couples therapy? 
• About what to do between sessions. 
• Can one of the couple meet with the therapist in individual session, privately? 
• Addictions and couple's therapy 
• Does the gender of the therapist matter? 
• Rabbanim/ rebetzins can work with the therapist and the therapy process. 
• How many sessions is typical? When to end therapy? 
• "We are married 13+ years, is it too late to have a happy marriage?" It's never too late.

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Dr. Debbie Akerman and Ruchama Clapman of MASK about important aspects of marriage readiness.

• Welcome
• Triangular Theory of Love: 1. Working together 2. Intimacy 3. Commitment
• How does age consider into marriage readiness?
• What does ‘giving’ mean in a marriage?
• How to tell a person’s character?
• Self-reflection: Look at life in the sum total.
• It’s a good thing if the dates get stressed.
• Try to see each other in different circumstances/ real life.
• Difference between giving and co-dependency.
• How ‘full’ do I have to be ready for marriage?
• What are traits that are not compatible with healthy marriage?
• Readiness after a difficult childhood or trauma?
• It is not enough to know what you don’t want to do in your marriage.
• If you are making a shift in your life, how long should you be settled into that new life before marriage?
• Conflict theory: How do you have conflict?
• Getting married after (or with) addiction. Honesty about addiction.
• Do I have to share about my pornography addiction or experimentation?
• What is considered an addiction? It is possible to be successfully married to a recovering addict.
• What is the definition of co-dependency?
• How does the concept of ‘ego’ work in a marriage?
• How to address the pressure to get married?  How do I know if I am ready to be married?
• Can an anxious person get married? Yes.
• Nobody will marry perfection.  Accepting a person on their terms. 
• Dealing with trust issues.
• How to pick a therapist that is right for you?

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Yael Trusch about supporting your husband's work for parnassah. 

www.adaiad.org/money-shalom  

• 0:00 Introduction 
• 3:19 What is supportive (and what is not) 
• 6:38 Focusing on what we do have, not what we don’t have 
• 9:34 When trust in Hashem, it impacts your attitude and trust in your husband 
• 13:13 How to show your husband appreciation and support 
• 15:24 Hashem has other ways to get you the things you need. It doesn’t have to be through parnassah. 
• 16:55 Highlight his positive talents 
• 22:15 Show gratitude for him as a person 
• 24:18 Q: How to bring up ideas to him? 
• 27:47 Q: Should I ‘let him see that we don’t have enough money’ to motivate him? 
• 30:50 Q: Better for him to provide, or for both of us?   
• 33:00 Q: What do I do when I think my husband’s ideas won’t work out? 
• 35:15 Q: How can I encourage him as he asks for a raise? 
• 39:44 Q: My husband doesn’t want to spend money to make money. Help! 
• 41:48 Q: My husband’s business is closing. How can I support him? 
• 45:41 Q: Will telling him about my dreams motivate him to work harder for parnassah? 
• 48:06 Q: Is it helpful or motivating to let him know how worried I am? 
• 49:00 Q: As newlyweds, how can we get on track right in the beginning? 
• 53:00 Q: My husband spends too much time at work. Help! 
• 55:10 Q: Can I ask my husband how much a gift cost him? 
• 57:11 Final thoughts

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Yael Trusch about communicating about money. 

www.adaiad.org/money-shalom  

• 0:00  Introduction. 
• 3:04  Negative effects about fighting about money. 
• 8:02  Conversation about money shows you about your values. 
• 10:15 Date Night to discuss topics around money. 
• 18:06 What are typical money stressors. 
• 22:56  Being the higher earner doesn’t mean more power or control. 
• 27:25 Budgets cannot be made unilaterally.  It is about mutuality and transparency.  
• 29:05 Have a discretionary fund that each can spend on without having to report. 
• 31:00 Set ground rules about large purchases. 
• 33:42 What if my spouse doesn’t want to have such conversations? 
• 42:15 Q: She came into the marriage with debt and she is feeling resentful. 
• 45:09 Q: I want to spend money on something, my spouse doesn’t agree it is important. 
• 48:44 Q: Professionals who can help with money. 
• 51:09 Q: Who to save for surprise gift for spouse. 
• 55:33 Q: I want to stop working to be home with the kids, how to bring it up. 
• 58:40 Final thoughts.

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Rabbi Pinney and Helana Herman about Creating your Relationship Vision. This talk also covers some key points of the Imago Dialog and other tools.  

http://adaiad.org/herman-vision for worksheets and other resources mentioned in the talk 

contact Helana Herman coachingwithhelana@gmail.com

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Rabbi Pinney and Helana Herman about Gifting your Marriage Relationship with a change. This talk also covers some key points of the Imago Dialog and other tools.  

www.adaiad.org/herman-gifting for worksheets and other resources mentioned in the talk 

contact Helana Herman coachingwithhelana@gmail.com

Pamela Klein, LCSW answers questions about intimacy (with Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad)

www.adaiad.org/intimacy-series

pamelakleinlcsw@gmail.com 718-395-9185 

• 0:00 Introduction 
• 1:32 What is desire & arousal? 
• 3:57 Brakes & Accelerators. 
• 7:23 I push myself and then I feel bad about that. (consent vs negating oneself) 
• 9:55 Saying ‘not now’ vs pushing myself through it. 
• 11:53 We have different levels of desire. 
• 14:18 I have some ‘conditions’ that I want for intimacy. 1
• 5:55 My spouse doesn’t seem to hear what I really want. 
• 17:36 It just feels mechanical. How do I bring that up? 
• 19:50 Anxiety about pregnancy is getting in the way. 
• 22:05 Other relationship issues impacting intimacy. 
• 24:16 We’re both uncomfortable talking about intimacy. 
• 26:06 It’s hard to bring up issues now after so many years. 
• 28:43 What happens in therapy? 
• 31:29 Getting clarification about what was learned in chosson/kallah classes. 
• 35:09 Getting comfortable trying something new. 
• 36:12 Intimacy is getting boring. How to get back on track? 
• 38:44 How do I tell my spouse that I just want to cuddle? 
• 40:00 When we schedule and then it doesn’t work out, we get disappointed. 
• 41:48 Building emotional intimacy. 
• 44:40 I feel hurt by something my spouse said about me. 
• 46:37 I have a need and my spouse is just not into it. 
• 48:30 Working through what I learned in kallah class (initiating). 
• 50:05 How do I hide my disappointment? 
• 51:29 Physical and emotional attraction. 
• 53:00 Arousal & climax. 
• 54:53 Intimacy during pregnancy and after birth. 
• 56:48 How to build emotional connection. 
• 58:04 How much time before and after intimacy is normal? 
• 1:00:24 Wrap up and contact info

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad speaks with Pamela Klein, LCSW about intimacy

www.adaiad.org/intimacy-series 

• 0:00 Introduction 
• 1:26 Why is it important to talk about intimacy? 
• 2:47 Why is it so difficult to have such conversations? 
• 5:24 How to start the conversation? 
• 8:53 When to have the conversation? 
• 12:12 What to think about as you prepare for the conversation? 
• 15:24 What to discuss In this conversation? 
• 28:00 How to say "not now"? 
• 31:55 How to say “I’m not sure about my mood”? 
• 33:54 How you might get into the mood. 
• 40:46 Spontaneity vs scheduling. 
• 43:46 Communicating during intimacy. 
• 45:52 Private cue words. 
• 48:06 Talking about mikvah night. 
• 51:28  Final thoughts

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Zalman Nelson, LCSW about triggers, emotions and how to get insight into yourself. This is all so important as you relate to your spouse.  www.adaiad.org www.zalmannelson.com  more related resources: www.adaiad.org/nelson-triggers-emotions

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Avital Levin, education director at Shalom Task Force,   about "How you can help someone in an abusive situation".  Covering: What is supportive, what to say and not to say, the importance of believing, how the community can support victims and survivors of abuse and their family.  Part 2 of the 'Power of Community' series. 

www.adaiad.org/power-of-community  

Shalom Task Force www.shalomtaskforce.org

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Dr. Shana Frydman of Shalom Task Force about "What is Abuse Anyway?" describing what abuse is, what might be going on for the victim and their family, and what the community ought to be doing for the victims of abuse.  

Part 1 of the 'Power of Community' series. 

www.adaiad.org/power-of-community

Rabbi Shais Taub talks about what the husband can do to reset the marriage - bringing your good marriage to even greater levels.

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Yeshaya Kraus, LCSW of Shalom Task Force about how to ask effectively for what you want and need.

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Rabbi Eliyahu Prero, a financial coach at Mesila* about how to navigate financial issues as a team. Rabbi Prero will share some Dos and Don'ts of working through financial stress.  

*Mesila’s mission is to empower families and businesses to seek, achieve and maintain financial stability.

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Velvel & Estie Lipskier about Shalom Bayis tools and mindsets for a peaceful and joyful Yom Tov

Newlyweds' guide to money: some dos and don'ts

Different money personalities and habits. How to navigate it all? It is important to get on the same page about money – before it turns into conflict and tension.     

Chaya Margolin, a noted Financial Counselor shares some basic financial responsibility tips and must-dos.  She talks about financial goals, how to have conversations about money, establishing a budget, credit cards, investing, and saving/spending balance.

Helping someone work through marriage issues is a huge responsibility. The number one rule in medicine “Do No Harm” is definitely apropos here. You certainly do not want to make a difficult situation even more complex. The questions you ask, the perspectives you share, the words you use; these all matter – are you helping or are you making things even worse?  

Devora Krasnianski, founder of Adai Ad shares some Dos and Don’ts about helping someone with their shalom bayis.

https://adaiad.org/krasnianski-helping-someone-with-shalom-bayis/
for a guide and language for how to help

Are you hoping that your spouse would consistently meet more of your needs, wants and desires? Instead of complaining, criticizing or withdrawing to try to get what you want from your spouse, how about asking?  

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, M.S., LCPC discusses how you can effectively make requests for change from your spouse.

When people get married they never dream that they might be betrayed by their spouse. BH, it doesn’t happen often. But if it does happen to someone, it is such a shocking realization. It’s like living in a nightmare.  There is shock, devastation,  profound hurt and feelings of being betrayed and blind-sided. What happens next?  Can someone get through it?  Can the marriage?  

Moshe Zev Lamm, LCSW discusses what to do when the betrayal is discovered, and more importantly what not to do.

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Frayda Kaplan, certified Gottman educator (Bringing Baby Home). Frayda shares some valuable tips and insights for preparing your marriage for this exciting new addition to your family.

Getting triggered is a message: there’s a part of us that feels all that, needs our attention, and will continue to get triggered until has our focus. The key to growth and shifts in our relationships is moving away from reacting to the triggerer to the part of ourselves getting triggered.   

Zalman Nelson, LMSW discusses how to use triggers for personal development.

Sometimes, without realizing, one or both of a  couple is harming the marriage relationship.  Often, they think that "If just my spouse would change."  And then with a bit more introspection, they think, "Can it be me who is ruining our marriage?"  

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad interviews David Kohn, LCSW, CASAC about this topic: "Can it be me who is ruining our marriage?"  A frank and honest discussion about what people may be doing that harms their marriage. And what first steps they can do to improve the situation.

(the sound quality is poor for a few minutes and then clears up. sorry)

Your personality and temperament impact how you interact with others and yourself. So naturally, it impacts your marriage relationship.   

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad explores this idea with Esther Friedman, a Temperament Certified Professional.  

The wedding is over and the young couple settles into shanah rishonah and a life together.  For most, there is the bliss. And the normal challenges and the typical 'hard work' of building the marriage.  Sadly, for a few, it is the beginning of a nightmare of abuse and control.  

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad interviews Lisa Twerski, LCSW  about "Is this normal? Recognizing abusive behavior early in marriage".  What to do if you feel abused or controlled?  And the importance of seeking support as soon as you feel uncomfortable and unheard in the marriage.

Having a clean and organized home the benefits to the family. How might you get the whole family involved in keeping the house orderly?  

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Bassie Kalmanson, master organizer, about practical tips and insights for keeping your home and life organized and getting everyone onboard.

Rabbi Abba and Chanie Perelmuter, Shluchim at Shul by the Shore in Long Beach, CA  address the typical Pesach stresses in their unique Perelmutter style – humor and practicality. They share tips, insights and laughs from their many Pesach experiences – with young children and with grandchildren and married children; at home and as shluchim; as guests and as hosts; in a tiny kitchen and a (sort of) decent sized kitchen.

Of course, all parents want the best for their children.But sometimes the mother and father have different ideas about what that might be. Estee Lieblich shares some important mindsets and practical ideas to reach those goals.

Good Communication is KEY for a Successful Marriage.  

Lisa Twerski, LCSW shares some important mindsets and tools for effective communication for everyday conversations and those harder ones.

When children are not following the derech on which their parents raised them, it can be very frustrating to the parents. There are so many emotions going on for each parent, and the other family members. There may be differing opinions about what to do and handle the situation. But at all times, all should remember to keep the Shalom in the marriage and the rest of the family.  

Rabbi Shais Taub talks about all this.

While it is the wife who is physically expecting the baby, much is happening for both the husband and wife. It is important to understand each other and talk about it. 

Devora Krasnianski, founder of Adai Ad talks with Sarah Eichler, Childbirth Educator and Lactation Consultant, about important points about pregnancy and what might be going on for the mother and father. This talk is especially apropos for first and second pregnancies. And very important for the fathers.

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Dr. Yael Respler, noted psychotherapist in the areas of family, marital and intimate relationship issues.  Minor differences in parenting style are all right.  However, children will get confused when parents have different approaches. And worse, they are likely to play one parent against the other.  Our parenting styles are based on values, personalities and so many other factors. Often one way is not any more right than another.  

For the sake of the child, it is important to be on the same page.  Parents ought to talk about what they hope for the children and what parenting styles they believe will get their children there. Dr. Yael Respler will share conversation starters and things to consider during such conversations, as well as some important parenting tips.   

Money. It’s important, we all need some money to pay for the things we need to live.  Too often this becomes an area that couples don’t like to talk about.  Or an area of conflict, or is evaded to avoid conflicts.  Sometimes, it is from different values or patterns from family of origin.   It may be difficult, but we must have these discussions around money.  

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Chaya Margolin about ideas for budgeting and how to talk about money.

“You don’t just marry your spouse, you marry the family.” For many this is a blessing. For others, the in-laws can be a point of contention. There’s an art to creating healthy and loving relationships with your in-laws (or at the very least, tolerable relationships). 

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with Basya Deitsch, a noted relationship coach about this delicate relationship.  This call is geared for the "children-in-law".

Devora Krasnianski of Adai Ad talks with David Kohn, LCSW, CASAC about the difference between dysfunction, mental illness and domestic abuse. And why that difference matters.

Dr. Elka Jacobs-Pinson presents.  What the child hears and sees in the home affects them for life- both positively and negatively.  She will discuss what parents should and should not do in their own marriage for the sake of their child’s mental health.

Rabbi Shais Taub  presents: “How to enhance a marriage singlehandedly, even without the help of the spouse.” In some marriages, this is the best possible way to improve the marriage.