Art That Overcomes

Whenever I find myself in the midst of an overwhelming trauma reaction…you know…the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn type of response… when I can tell that something deep within me has REALLY been triggered, it always comes back to my inner child. In those situations, there’s some aspect of the trigger that has brought my wounded childhood part to the forefront. I can usually tell this is what’s going on, by the type of behavior that results. Often, for me, I either shrink back and isolate out of insecurity and social anxiety, OR I go into full on fight mode and throw a tantrum…I have a big temper outburst where I feel compelled to yell and slam a door. 

Over the years, my art and writing process has, time and time again, been a place that I can return, to release all the confusing emotions that I’m experiencing and practice what it looks like to nurture and care for the parts that are hurting. 

Today I’m sharing a drawing I did a while back, where I pretty quickly was able to go through this process of identifying my emotions, expressing them, and getting to the root of what they had to tell me. 

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Hey Overcomer, this week I want to share with you a very special podcast interview I did with Michael Unbroken on the Think Unbroken Podcast. I’ve gotten so much out of Michael’s work, and it was such a privilege to appear on his show. In this interview, you’ll hear me share more of my backstory than I have anywhere else, and you’ll also learn more about some foundational principles behind art therapy. I know that Michael likes to go deep with his guests, so I didn’t hold anything back. I really hope you get a lot out of it.

And as always, if you’d like to check out my Redefined coaching app, join my free Facebook group, join my email list, or anything else, click the link below to find everything you need.

Each one of us has so many different parts that make up who we are… our personality, past trauma, and other memorable moments that shape who we have become. And it’s normal for us to have certain parts of ourselves that we’re not as comfortable with. We may actively try to avoid those parts, or our subconscious mind may be pushing them down for us.

What’s more, as Overcomers of narcissistic abuse, we’ve been actively told by our abusers that certain aspects of our identity, our very sense of self, are wrong, bad, or ugly. That’s a lot for us to unpack as we begin to heal.

Today I’d like to share a drawing I did last year, where I really settled into this idea of embracing whatever parts of myself needed to speak.

"How do you work through confusion to find direction and clarity after leaving an abusive relationship with a narcissist? That’s a good question, right? It’s hard to know which way is up when you’re in survival mode, and then even as things start to calm down in life, we can get so stuck in indecisiveness that we’re not really moving forward. We’re living an 'ok' life…but are we growing? Are we progressing? Have we gone beyond just a feeling of basic safety into a place of actually being fulfilled and feeling secure in who we are? If you’re not sure how to answer those questions, or if you feel stuck in a place of just 'ok' right now, you’re really gonna get a lot out of today’s episode."

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The narcissist isn’t in charge anymore. It’s your turn, Overcomer.

You’ll hear art therapist and coach, Jennifer Kramer, share a glimpse into her unique art and writing process that helps women redefine their identity after narcissistic abuse, one drawing or painting at a time. Jennifer also invites you to imagine what encouraging words your Future Self may have for you today.

These days, we’re all photographers, aren’t we? Armed with a smartphone, tablet, or basic little digital camera, we all have the ability to take some pretty awesome photos. Heck, even back when I had a flip phone, I found myself using the camera feature a lot. And even before that, disposable cameras were so easy to come by, I always had one on hand, to capture both the beautiful and silly moments of life. 

Whether you consider yourself a photographer in any sense, or not, I invite you to listen in today as I share one of the ways I’ve found myself intuitively using my iPhone camera to explore my ever-evolving sense of Self.

Sometimes we come to a place in life where we realize that certain people or situations are not fulfilling us the way they used to. And sometimes, those people or situations are not only failing to give us what we need, but they are also draining and depleting us. Our energy is low, and we don’t have the time, space, or resources to fill ourselves back up as long as we stay in the same place. 

I’ve been feeling this lately, in a few different areas of my life....

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Interested in being interviewed on the podcast? Reach out to me at jennifer@jenniferakramer.com

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Feelings of self-doubt and lack of confidence are so common for Overcomers of narcissistic abuse to experience. The narcissist made it their job to instill this self-doubt in us, so that we would always follow their lead and look to them for guidance and answers. They trained us to question our own thoughts and opinions, which kept us trapped under their control. 

So, understandably, we come out of these abusive relationships continuing to doubt ourselves, and feeling a lack of confidence in our ability to stand firm on our own. 

But the good news is that we do not have to stay trapped there! YOU do not have to stay trapped in this insecure, weak place. You can and will build confidence in yourself and your ability to shine…in your ability to be yourself and stand firm in your choices and actions in YOUR life. 

To view the Art That Overcomes Instagram page, sign up for weekly emails, schedule a FREE 15-minute Coaching Call, order Jennifer's book, or learn more about The Redefined Process, go here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

What does it mean to have strength?

Of course, one definition of “strong” refers to physical strength - “having the power to move heavy weights or perform other physically demanding tasks”, or “exerting great force.” 

People also use the term “inner strength” when referencing an individual’s ability to overcome hardship and have resilience. Corresponding definitions for this type of “strong” could be - “not easily disturbed, upset, or affected” or perhaps “showing determination, self-control, and good judgment”. 

Today’s mantra is: I AM STRONG. 

On last week’s episode, we started exploring the concept of trust. I talked about how this is a very difficult exploration, and that’s why we’ve eased into it. 

For those who have been in any kind of abusive relationship, trust has been broken. Trust has been severed. It has been torn up into tiny pieces and stomped on, burned, or buried.

We have possibly trusted others too readily in the past, and not trusted ourselves enough. Now we don’t know who to trust, and our identity was so enmeshed with the abuser that even though we want to trust ourselves again (our intuition, knowledge, skill), we are not sure how to get there from here. 

Put simply – trust is hard. So. Hard. And it deserves our attention. 

Today’s mantra is: I trust myself and I trust my inner voice.

To view the Art That Overcomes Instagram page, sign up for weekly emails, schedule a FREE 15-minute Coaching Call, order Jennifer's book, or learn more about The Redefined Process, go here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Today, we are talking about TRUST. I believe that cultivating a sense of trust in ourselves, our Creator or higher power, and in others is a key part of getting us unstuck.

Similar to last week’s mantra (I am safe and I am protected), this week’s mantra has two parts:

I trust the process, and I trust my Creator’s voice within me. 

To view the Art That Overcomes Instagram page, sign up for weekly emails, schedule a FREE 15-minute Coaching Call, order Jennifer's book, or learn more about The Redefined Process, go here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

The concept of “safety” is complex and multifaceted. 

Once you’ve experienced trauma, your brain and body can stay hypervigilant and on guard, continually telling you the story that you are not safe. 

Your brain wants you to stay alert and aware of the potential for future danger. This is your brain’s way of trying to keep you safe. 

But, what happens when we stay in this mode, day after day, year after year, even once there is no imminent threat to our wellbeing? Or what if the unsafe situations that we *do* face, are not life threatening in nature?

The short answer is that it diminishes our quality of life, doesn’t it? 

It can feel like our bodies are trapped in an endless loop of fear. It doesn’t FEEL like our bodies are trying to keep us safe…it feels horrendous. It feels like our body’s trauma response is keeping us stuck in the trauma. 

This week on the Art That Overcomes podcast we are exploring the mantra:

 I am safe and I am protected.

To view the Art That Overcomes Instagram page, sign up for weekly emails, schedule a FREE 15-minute Coaching Call, order Jennifer's book, or learn more about The Redefined Process, go here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

In the introduction to the second session of my coaching program, The Redefined Process, I say:

“In order to allow for change to enter our lives, I believe we need to create some emotional and mental space. Just as a room in our house can become cluttered with junk, our brains get cluttered too. We need to clear that stuff out! Consistently! We need to consciously create the mental and emotional space to connect with our minds, bodies, and spirits on a regular basis.” 

We need to actually create space in our lives to allow for change to come in. 

Today’s mantra is: I am creating space for change. Say it with me: I am creating space for change.

I want to ask you, Overcomer: How can you give yourself the space to really daydream and plan for how you want your life to be? For what changes you want to see? And how can you take action from here to truly clear out what needs to be eliminated in order to create those new things…that change?

To view the Art That Overcomes Instagram page, sign up for weekly emails, schedule a FREE 15-minute Coaching Call, order Jennifer's book, or learn more about The Redefined Process, go here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

After surviving narcissistic abuse, we tend to think we’re aware of our feelings, and that we’ve learned to express those feelings in a way that helps us. 

However, reality can be quite the opposite. Sometimes we use our thinking brain to rationalize our way out of feeling, and often we haven’t even stopped to truly experience our emotions. They get shoved to the side, and we continually tell our brains and bodies emotions don’t matter. We begin to wonder why we’re exhausted, negative, impulsive, and easily pushed to anger. 

Sound familiar?

How can you change this? What do you need to open yourself up to today?

As for me...I am open to the process. 

I am open to healing, to the unknown, to exploring my emotions, to practicing showing up as myself, unapologetically. I am open to expressing myself through use of art materials, I am open to guidance from others… I am open to challenging myself to take action. 

Say it with me: I am open to the process. 

To view the Art That Overcomes Instagram page, sign up for weekly emails, schedule a FREE 15-minute Coaching Call, order Jennifer's book, or learn more about The Redefined Process, go here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

I often share that the number one key to healing from narcissistic abuse is to stop reading about narcissism. While it’s crucial in the beginning of our recovery to learn all the things we can about the trauma we’ve been through… to piece together what the heck just happened to us?... If we keep up with this constant information gathering long term, it only keeps us stuck. True growth and healing is found in turning our attention away from the abuser and shifting attention to ourselves instead. We have to reconnect with and redefine our identities apart from the abusive narcissist. This takes time, and most importantly…practice. It takes action! 

If this resonates with you and you’re truly ready to shift out of this information gathering phase, with so much of your attention on the narcissist, then I invite you to check out my Redefined coaching app, which includes my signature program, the Redefined Process. It’s all about helping you connect with YOU. If you’re not quite sure if you’re ready for that yet, then I suggest you read my book, The Uncommon Guide to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: How I Used Art to Break the Pattern and Redefine My Identity. It’s a short, easy read, where I share pieces of my own story, along with knowledge from my training as an art therapist, and practical art and writing exercises too. You can find the link to buy the book, as well as links to check out the Redefined app all at the link in the podcast description. 

Today’s episode is a little different than usual. Instead of sharing about my artmaking practice, followed by an imagined message from your Future Self, I want to share a guided meditation with you. I wrote this with the intention of helping you connect with YOUR Future Self. I want you to spend these next few minutes focusing on YOU…not the narcissist. 

--------------------------------- Here's the link to all the things!

Here’s a quote from my new book:

“The thing that felt risky. The thing that felt scary. The decision that some friends would have cautioned me not to make. That choice was a crucial turning point for the better. It wasn’t selfish or foolish. It was necessary.”

You can do hard things, Overcomer. Today we are talking about why you *need* to do hard things, and how to get started. 

And I’ll give you an example of how a painting I’m working on right now has taught me this, too.

-------------------------------------------- Here's the link to all the things!

Today I’m answering a question from a member of my free Facebook group, Women Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse. 

The question is:

How do you overcome the insecurities they leave you with? I know loving yourself is key, but will I ever have that confidence again?

I thought this was a great question because this feeling of insecurity and lack of confidence is so common to us as Survivors or Overcomers of narcissistic abuse. This is a multi-faceted question, and I have four different thoughts or topics to address it, but really they are all very related to one another. 

I’ll think you’ll find this super practical and helpful!

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Here's the link to all the things!

Do you have trouble envisioning goals for your life? Or trouble believing that you can actually reach the goals you’ve set? Or, did you think you had gotten it down, only to find that you’re now at a standstill, not really taking purposeful action toward where you want to go?

No matter where you might fall on this spectrum, I want to tell you that it makes sense. Lots of humans struggle with this, but especially Survivors and Overcomers of narcissistic abuse. 

We have trouble moving past survival mode, making choices and decisions for ourselves, and taking action because it feels safer for us to stay small. Once upon a time, staying small is what kept us safe in the abusive relationship. 

But now it’s holding us back.

Here's the link to all the things!

Who gets to decide what real art is…and who the real artists are? And if a piece of artwork is good or not? 

Do you have to exhibit artwork for others to see? Do you have to perform on a stage or on video?

Today I’m sharing my two cents on this topic.

Here's the link to all the things!

I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. I find that this concept encourages us to set huge unrealistic goals that we pretty quickly fail to take action on. 

It encourages an all or nothing mentality. We try to tackle the big goal, don’t reach it quickly, and then stop trying… and then feel guilty or disappointed in ourselves. 

Listen, I think it’s great to set goals. But when we’re talking about one big thing to focus on for an entire calendar year, I prefer to simply name one intention word for the year. 

This approach is definitely not unique to me. I’ve heard lots of others talk about this online the past few years. 

Why? 

Because it’s more effective than New Year’s resolutions. It gives you one broad theme to focus on throughout the year, as you continually recalculate, recalibrate, and set one goal after another as needed.

Here's the link to all the things!

Anger. This is stereotypically a difficult emotion for women to allow themselves to feel and to express. We are taught that it’s acceptable for us to be sad, nervous, anxious, scared, disappointed, depressed…. Any of the “negative” emotions that make us small and shrink back, needy of others to comfort or save us.

But anger is an emotion that’s usually expressed more outwardly, in a way that commands the stage, if you will. Anger is powerful, energetic, and demands attention. When we think of how one would show this emotion to others, we usually think of an angry scowl with eyebrows downturned, and a loud voice, slamming doors, or even hitting or throwing things. 

Did your abusive partner show their anger this way? Did they try to disguise their verbal and physical abuse under a mask of justifiable anger? Did their anger (even if just displayed in a facial expression) cause you to feel fear? 

Today I’m answering a question from my online community about how to learn to be okay with our own anger, as well as the anger of others.

Here's the link to all the things!

Are you able to be yourself, Overcomer?

Do you truly feel like you can let loose and be YOU, even if just for a little while, or in certain environments, or around certain people?

One of my biggest goals in life is to become more and more comfortable being ME in all places, spaces, and relationships.

I find that some of this increased comfortability with being Me comes naturally with age, but it also takes intentional work...

Here's the link to all the things!

I often talk about the concept of “anniversary reactions” with my clients. This term refers to the yearly anniversary of a traumatic event or loss of some kind, and with it, the return of symptoms of grief. 

A quick Google search told me that according to psychological literature, an “anniversary reaction” is defined as an individual’s response to unresolved grief resulting from significant losses. The anniversary reaction can involve several days or even weeks of anxiety, anger, nightmares, flashbacks, depression, or fear. 

I have a few of my own anniversary reactions, and with time I have found that while it’s not helpful to assume that I’ll automatically struggle certain times of year, it is very helpful to be aware that these struggles may come. I make sure that on those days (or those months) I give myself a little extra space to feel whatever emotions may come up. 

Can you relate? Do you experience increased symptoms of depression, anxiety, or anger during the time of year that your abusive relationship ended, when a specific traumatic event happened, or when a friend or family member died?

Today I’m sharing a bit about how I’m processing a current anniversary reaction of my own.

Here's the link to all the things!

TODAY IS THE DAY!

Now is the time to order your copy of The Uncommon Guide to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: How I Used Art to Break the Pattern and Redefine My Identity!

Are you a woman who has survived narcissistic abuse, gone to therapy, attended support groups, tried countless healing modalities — yet you still feel stuck in life?

The Uncommon Guide to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: How I Used Art to Break the Pattern and Redefine My Identity hones in on the root issue behind your struggle to keep growing now that the initial relief of leaving the abuse has worn off. 

In this book, Jennifer shares personal stories and reflections, mindset shifts, and practical exercises that will help you finally get unstuck, take charge of your life, and redefine your identity on your own terms. The narcissist isn’t in charge anymore! It’s your turn now.

Here's the link to all the things!

I am so excited to announce that the Kindle E-book version of ‘The Uncommon Guide to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: How I Used Art to Break the Pattern and Redefine My Identity’, is now live on Amazon! That means if you pre-ordered the Kindle E-book it should have been magically delivered to your device a few days ago, by the power of technology. 

AND, I’m even more excited that TOMORROW, FRIDAY November 17th, the paperback version of ‘The Uncommon Guide to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse’ will finally be available for purchase!

I can’t wait for you to start reading it, completing the art and writing exercises at the end of each chapter, and experiencing some big aha moments.

Will you order either the e-book or paperback this week? Or better yet, order one for yourself, and one for a friend? I’m working really hard to see if I can get to a number one ranking in one of my chosen categories on Amazon. So far, my lowest ranking has been number 48 in the self help for abuse category. 

Just like pretty much everything we experience online, Amazon has its own algorithm. The more orders I get (especially on the same day or within a few days), the better my ranking, and also the more I’ll gain visibility in the Amazon algorithm when other Overcomers like you log on to search for books about healing from narcissistic abuse. More popular books are going to show up first in someone’s search. 

So, let’s make The Uncommon Guide to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse POPULAR, shall we? It’s all up to you!

Here's the link to all the things!

I am so excited to announce that the Kindle E-book version of The Uncommon Guide to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: How I Used Art to Break the Pattern and Redefine My Identity, is now live on Amazon! That means if you pre-ordered the Kindle E-book it should have been magically delivered to your device today, by the power of technology. I can’t wait for you to start reading it, completing the art and writing exercises at the end of each chapter, and experiencing some big aha moments. 

If you’ve been paying close attention to all my posts and emails the past couple of weeks, you know that I was also planning for the paperback version of the book to be released today. Unfortunately, due to a small error on my part, the paperback will now be available this FRIDAY, November 17th. So…Just a few more days to wait!

Today, I want to read for you the introduction to the book. If you’d like to read this introduction for free, go to the link below to grab both the intro and first chapter. Or of course you can order the e-book and have the whole thing right now. 

I want to read the introduction to you today…. And then later this week I’ll be popping back in to share one of my favorite passages from the book…. But I’ll keep that a secret for now.

I love the idea of creating a vision board to help envision our goals for the future, but as I shared back in episode 63, I also have some mixed feelings about vision boards. 

In that episode, I declared that I was going to make a more gritty type of vision board to accompany the one I had created sometime last year.

And, I did just that. Today I’m here to report how that went. It wasn’t what I expected, LOL. But I got a lot out of it. 

Here's the link to all the things!

We tend to face the most internal resistance when it comes to the very activities that are going to help us most in our healing. 

This is a subconscious way that our brains try to self-sabotage our healing, because on some level it feels safer to stay stuck in the place we are now. The unknown is scary, and as a survival mechanism, our brains want to protect us and keep us planted in our familiar habits, emotions, behaviors, and ways of reacting to stress. .

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Here's the link to all the things!

In some ways, I’m a very consistent person. I like to have a basic routine, I’m loyal to those who are close to me, and I think I’m pretty dependable. But in other ways, I struggle with consistency. Namely, when it comes to daily or weekly practices that help me take care of myself. Self-care. It’s a struggle. I’m guessing you can relate to this. 

Most humans find it hard, at least in certain seasons of their life, to prioritize themselves in ways that matter. We’re not talking about hitting the snooze button so you can get a few extra ZZZ’s, or neglecting household chores and important relationships so you can watch Netflix in the name of self-care.

I’m talking about the things that are really going to move the needle forward for you…

Real, quality sleep. Daily journaling. Prayer. Meditation. Daily movement. Spiritual practices. Spending quality time with loved ones. Going to therapy. Creating art. Spending time in nature. Reading a personal development book. Stopping to stretch and breathe in the middle of your work day. 

I think that getting into a routine of consistent self-care can be especially difficult for Overcomers of narcissistic abuse. This is because the abusive individuals in our lives have literally trained us to put ourselves last. As strange as it may seem to explain to someone who doesn’t understand this type of abuse, it actually feels very odd, uncomfortable, and even unsafe to prioritize ourselves. 

So, how do we get over this? How do we improve the consistency and quality of our self-care routines? 

There’s no easy answer, but it is simple. Just start doing something. And if it works for you, keep doing it. Today I’m sharing one self-care practice that I did really successfully for a long time, then fell off a bit, and I’ll explain where I am with it now. 

Here's the link to all the things!

Yesterday was my birthday! I turned 43, and I couldn’t be happier with where my life is heading. No, everything isn’t perfect (far from it!) and I haven’t even achieved all that I wanted to this year. I’ve had many setbacks and surprises. But I’ve also experienced so much goodness, and I’m able to see how even the perceived setbacks are actually working for me in really big ways. 

One of the massive goals that I *have* accomplished is writing a book! You may have heard me mention this on a previous podcast episode or seen it on social media or in an email. Today I’m going to let you know all about how you can get your hands on a copy of The Uncommon Guide to Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: How I Used Art to Break the Pattern and Redefine My Identity. And, I want to share with you what this journey of tackling such a big new project has been like for me, and 3 important lessons I’ve learned along the way. 

My hope is that you can apply these lessons to whatever big project, challenge, or goal that YOU are facing right now. 

When you’re in survival mode right after leaving an abusive relationship, your priorities are clear. Safety. Stability. And that’s about it. 

But after a while, that isn’t enough to keep us going. It’s important to consistently stop and assess our priorities at each stage of life. 

Today I’m going to give you a practical exercise to help you stop and reflect on what your life is telling you that it needs more of…. Let’s assess what your body, mind, heart, and spirit need in this particular season of healing. 

There’s a question that I hear a lot in the personal development space: “Did it happen to you or did it happen for you?” It’s a question to ask yourself, intended to help you get out of a victim mindset and see the bigger picture. It’s intended to help us reframe the way we view our abuse, trauma, or other life struggles, and to help us look for the positives we can pull out of the experience. I encourage you to ask yourself, “Did the narcissistic abuse only happen TO me? Or is there something…anything… about my story of abuse that can be used to work FOR me? Is there anything I’ve learned from the experience? Am I now better able to relate to and help others who have suffered in similar ways?” 

I want to be careful with how I approach this topic, Overcomer. Because, I never want to minimize your abuse or encourage you to simply look on the bright side and get over it. Rather, my intention with this episode is to help you find your power. I want to empower you to dig out some shred of good from a big heap of bad. We cannot go back and change the past, but we are in charge of how we choose to frame it, and what story we tell ourselves next. 

Have you ever created a “vision board”? Maybe it was something you did towards the end of the calendar year, in preparation for your New Year's resolution… sort of a visual representation of what you hoped to accomplish in the new year. Well, I have a love/hate relationship with new year's resolutions, and also with the concept of vision boards… no matter what time of year you create them. 

On one hand, I absolutely love the idea of setting goals, getting specific about them, envisioning our Future Self, and feeling all the feelings of already having accomplished our goals. I think that choosing concrete images to create a visual representation of our goals and dreams is impactful because it helps us evoke those emotions, rather than just focusing on a task to complete. We really have to be able to get into that feeling state in order to believe it’s possible for us to reach the goal. 

And, I just like making stuff! So vision boards can be fun. 

But on the other hand, I think that vision boards can be limiting because if they ONLY keep us focused on a perfect, romanticized version of the future we envision for ourselves, then that goal is ultimately going to feel unrealistic and we may find ourselves frustrated on our journey to get to this goal that seems too perfect to actually be true. 

So where’s the answer? Is there a happy medium here? A way to make vision boards really work for us? That’s what I want to explore today.

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Hey, Overcomer! Do you know what your top values are? For me, honesty and authenticity are definitely in my top five. I consider these two concepts to be one in the same. In my opinion, striving to live as authentically as possible, as true to yourself as possible, is a matter of honesty. Much of this comes naturally to me. I find it very hard to lie. I’m not saying I’ve never told a lie before, but it’s just not something that is generally very tempting for me to do, and it never has been. Living truthfully is important to me. Speaking my truth, telling my story, and sharing my opinion are important. Being unapologetically myself is important. I don’t like pretending to go along with something just to make others feel more comfortable, because that would feel inauthentic or dishonest to me. I’d rather speak my mind, gently when needed… and apologize later if I have to. 

All that said, you’ll understand why it has been a surprise to me during my healing journey to discover that I have indeed been through phases where I wasn’t living as authentically as I thought I was. And even just recently, I had a big ‘aha’ moment around this topic. 

You see, something I’ve started to contemplate is the way in which we choose to live authentically, or share our truth with others. As I just said, I’d rather speak my mind at all costs, even if it means apologizing later in instances where it comes across as harsh. But, I think I’m starting to discover a better way….an even truer way… to be authentically me.

The difference is that one way of being authentically “Me” screams: “This is who I am! Get used to it!”. And the other, newer way that I’ve gradually been shifting into for a while has more of a sense of quiet confidence and ease. 

This week marks one full year since the Art That Overcomes podcast first aired! I can’t quite believe that every single week for the past year, I have posted an episode (and some weeks, even two episodes). I’ve just been putting one foot in front of the other, one committed action and then another committed action, until one day I woke up and realized I’d created 60 episodes. 

I’m curious… are there things you’ve accomplished in life that you now look back on and think, “Wow, how did I get here? I actually did all that?”. Sometimes we don’t stop to give ourselves credit and celebrate our accomplishments because we may not even notice how far we’ve come. And that’s because anything we achieve in life is done so in small increments....small steps. 

Have you checked in with yourself today? Have you taken just a few moments to consider how you’re feeling, both physically and emotionally? Have you assessed if this is how you want to feel or not? And if you don’t like this state, how will you change it?

I’ve been processing a whole lot of emotions lately, and several weeks ago I found myself in a place of overwhelm. I stopped and caught myself in that feeling of anxiety and a general sense that everything was just TOO MUCH to handle. I took a few minutes to feel my feelings and process through it. 

And of course, I did this using my art and responsive writing process. Today, as we return to our regularly structured episodes, after following a bit of a different format for the summer, I want to share with you some of the thoughts I’ve been having around the concept of what it means to be grounded. 

I’m an all or nothing kind of person. I don’t like in-betweens, transitions, or lack of control. I want to skip right past the messy middle and get to the good part. 

Sound familiar?

So many of us loath the feeling that we are not finished healing. We get frustrated with the fact that we can understand where we want to be (or where we feel we need to be, or should be), but we just can’t get there yet.

Why?? Why can’t we just will ourselves into what we envision to be our final stage of healing… the place where we feel calm and confident and everything makes sense? 

In today’s recording, I’m answering a question I’d received from a member of my Facebook group, Women Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse: How long does it take to recover from narcissistic abuse?

I think that the very nature of this question reflects that sense of uneasiness with being in the messy middle. 

And I’ll tell you… even though I admit it’s still my default mode to be uncomfortable in this middle place of unfinished-ness… I have certainly learned to relax (to a certain extent) and embrace the journey, confident that as I keep showing up for myself and doing my healing work, I’ll end up where I need to be. 

This journey looks a bit different for everyone, but no matter where you find yourself today, I think you’ll get something out of this conversation.

As we talked about last week, sometimes as survivors of narcissistic abuse, we can be too hard on ourselves. We’ve been taught by our abusers to question our decisions, actions, and motives, while turning a blind eye to their problematic behaviors. 

Two of the heaviest emotions that can linger on after leaving an abusive relationship are regret and guilt. We see the effects of the abuse in our lives, and regret our decision to stay in the relationship as long as we did, or the choice to raise children with the abuser, etc. And with that kind of regret tends to come the guilt… We simply cannot let go of the feeling that we have done something horribly wrong, and if we do try to let it go, it feels like we’re minimizing the entire experience or not owning our mistakes or weak moments. And even beyond that, our minds and bodies may be so used to holding onto that guilt that it has become the ever-present background noise to our lives… we walk around all day long with an underlying sense that we are in the wrong, just for existing. 

In today’s recording, you’ll hear me share some thoughts and encouragements around this topic, along with a suggestion for how to begin to confront and process through feelings of regret and guilt. 

I’ve got a bit of a controversial opinion on the topic of forgiveness, particularly when it comes to forgiving those who have abused us. I think forgiveness is important, but so often it’s a concept that’s shoved down our throats. We’re told we have to forgive. And if we don’t? We’re shamed (or we shame ourselves). I also think that we often confuse the word “forgiveness” with “reconciliation”. Those are two very different words, and should be handled separately. 

What would happen if we loosened up a bit, and took the pressure off this topic? What if it really was your choice to forgive…or not. As survivors of narcissistic abuse, we’re not used to having choices. And, we are used to feeling shamed for things that we shouldn’t be. 

On today’s recording, I share my thoughts on forgiveness, and why this is a more nuanced conversation than we tend to think. 

Soon after my abusive relationship ended, I began attending a support group that became my lifeline for quite a while. It was a co-ed group, and not centered on the topic of domestic violence, but I was relieved to find that among the attendees there were many women just like me. While we may have been different ages, come from different cultural traditions and socioeconomic backgrounds, and we had different personalities, hobbies, and interests… We had one huge thing in common (so much so that it often felt comical, even!). I heard women in that group share about conversations, thoughts, emotions, conflicts and confusion they’d felt in abusive relationships with narcissistic men, and I felt so seen. 

Maybe you’ve had that experience with a friend, an online group, or even listening to this podcast. It’s an experience of having someone directly reflect your life right back to you, except that they don’t know you at all, and they’re actually describing their own relationship. And those other women felt this same phenomenon when I shared my story. We often found ourselves joking, “Did you have a camera in my house or something? How did you know that?” It can feel funny, comforting, and also so sad that narcissistic abuse can look so incredibly similar across different relationships. The reason I say it’s comforting is that when we hear others share, we know that we’re not alone. We’re not crazy, delusional, or stupid, as the narcissist tried to gaslight us into believing. 

On today’s recording, I’m answering some very common questions that I often receive from my community of Overcomers. I’m guessing they’re things you’ve wondered about too.

Do you sometimes feel selfish, arrogant, or even question whether you’re the narcissist? Often I notice that Overcomers of narcissistic abuse are overly sensitive to the possibility that these traits are present within themselves, or in others. 

Here’s an important reminder: There’s a huge difference between feeling confident, taking time to care for yourself for a change instead of overextending yourself for others, and being grounded in your own identity and choices…versus being self-absorbed, narcissistic, cruel, and abusive.

As I always say, the key to healing from narcissistic abuse is to reconnect with and redefine your own identity. You have to do the work of figuring out who YOU are. And, guess how you do that work? Through taking time for yourself. You need to explore activities you enjoy, spend time with people who help you feel validated and alive, and also simply take time to be quiet and reflect, making space for all of your thoughts and emotions to be heard. 

You may have heard the phrase: “Self-care isn’t selfish”. I challenge you to really consider that as you listen to this episode. Today’s recording is all about why it can be so hard for us to practice self-care after experiencing narcissistic abuse.

If you’ve been listening to me for any length of time, then you’ve heard me say that healing from narcissistic abuse is an endless journey. It can be our natural tendency to want to heal as quickly as possible. We want to hurry up and skip to the good part. But unlike a book where you can skip to the last chapter, or a movie where you can fast forward to the good part, our lives take time to unfold. The good news is that we have a lot of power in deciding how it unfolds, even if it feels like we’ve been powerless in the past. And, if we are constantly, endlessly engaged in life, consistently doing our healing work (whether that “work” means therapy, or spending a day outside just to be present and grounded, or making art just because it feels good…), then our potential for growth and healing is limitless. 

On today’s recording, you’ll hear me respond to a specific question about how soon we can expect certain feelings to go away, or if they’ll ever go away at all. I’ll be addressing the feelings of hurt we have after narcissistic abuse, and the feeling of ongoing connection to the abuser that we sometimes feel.

Hey there, Overcomer! This summer I’m sharing some previously recorded thoughts on a variety of topics related to healing from narcissistic abuse. I hope this content will resonate with you, and that with each episode you’ll really take the time to consider one action step you can take, based on the insight you’ve received. 

If you need some help with that, I’d love to talk with you. Go to the link below to schedule a free 15 minute coaching session to talk about whatever you’d like. Yes, it’s free, no strings attached.

In this week's recording, I share my thoughts about why confidence is something we absolutely have to address in the early stages of our recovery from narcissistic abuse.

I’ll also walk you through a practical exercise to start building your confidence and silencing your limiting beliefs.

Self-doubt and low self-worth are hallmark symptoms of narcissistic abuse. The abuser manipulated and brainwashed you to think little of yourself and much of them.

It happened subtly, over time...and with intention.

So, rebuilding your confidence and learning to trust yourself will not happen overnight, and not unless you work for it.

As you listen, I want you to consider: What will you do today to build confidence in yourself and your abilities?

It's okay to celebrate yourself. 

When exploring unwanted emotions like fear, anger, and sadness, I find that my clients’ immediate reaction is that they actually don’t want to explore it at all. Sure, they might come to me voicing their concerns about these emotions…but therein lies the problem. They’re concerned about it, in the sense that they want it gone. They want to jump right to a place where that emotion no longer exists in their universe. Can you relate to that, Overcomer? The bad news is, that doesn't work. It simply isn’t possible. The good news? You CAN learn to ride the waves of uncomfortable emotions and come out okay on the other side. 

Hey, Overcomer. I’m in a bit of a transition right now. I’m sure you know what that’s like. Our lives are full of transitions, some that feel good and some that feel bad. But even in the good ones, there can be lots of grief and other unwanted emotions that come up. Those feelings get all mixed together with the joy, relief, or optimism that we are experiencing as a part of the goodness.

Right now, I’m finding myself in a transition period that feels good overall, but quite honestly, I’m exhausted. And one thing that my heart is feeling extra drawn to in this season, is my practice of artmaking. This summer I’m easing into a new routine where I’m making more time for art…and, also more time to connect with you. Today I want to share about a series of three paintings I started recently, and I’ll also reflect on how important it is for me to continue sharing my artwork with you, and why you should be sharing your art with others too! I promise, it’s not as scary as it sounds…