Bachelor of Hearts
By Max Quinn & Xavier Rubetzki Noonan
Bachelor of HeartsMar 31, 2024
182. Suck Shit, Children (Catching Kelce S1 E6)
It's the penultimate episode of Catching Kelce, and we're saying farewell to some beloved faves, as Travis narrows the women down to a Final Four - plus, a visit from a country-pop superstar, and a surprise overnight date.
If that weren't enough - we also give our first impressions on Taylor Swift's brand-new The Tortured Poet's Department, and the 2023 documentary Kelce - plus, we finally figure out whether Xavier is smarter than a 5th grader. (Spoiler: results inconclusive!)
The Golden Divorce (Emergency Minisode!)
The marriage between the first ever Golden Bachelor couple, Gerry Turner and Theresa Nist, has ended. We rushed to the mics to debrief in this emergency minisode.
Back to Kelce next week. We'll get through this together.
181. There's Nothing Funny About LMFAO w/ Lauren Guerrera! (Catching Kelce S1 E5)
Party Rock is on the pod tonight?! This week, we're joined by LMFAO expert Lauren Guerrera for a discussion of an unexpected high point for Catching Kelce - a trip to the Party Rock Mansion. As Travis himself gets slightly lost between the cracks, we find joy in an impassioned defence of Violet Beauregarde, a meticulously detailed research dossier, and a new game called Two Fooths and a Lie.
180. The Twerk Is Mightier Than The Sword (Catching Kelce S1 E4)
Beep boop! This week Travis Kelce enters cyberspace, and drags several women into the digital world with him. While some women receive a high-tech kiss, others barely escape with all their bits intact. We consider what lessons Catching Kelce may have learned from GamerGate (if any), bone up on the history of the touchdown dance, and eagerly anticipate a more exciting episode next week.
179. Air Dud (Catching Kelce S1 E3)
This week, Catching Kelce begins a somewhat awkward transition from its cut-throat beginnings to the more character-focused, relationship-based show it will become. Max intrigues Xavy with tales of butt fumbling, banana baseball, and lingerie football, while Xavy offers thoughts about the Catching Kelce theme song, a discussion of Mop Guys, and a new game called What Dog. All this, plus an extended Fabio deep-dive courtesy of past and future guest Dr. Jodi McAlister.
178. Alive and Posting w/ Eilish Gilligan! (Catching Kelce S1 E2)
We're back for Catching Kelce episode 2, and joining us in the huddle this week is musician, pop culture journalist and BoH all-star Eilish Gilligan!
The personalities and storylines of this season are starting to take shape - we've got an potential frontrunner, we've got a big weird conflict, we've got whatever "BBBs" are. Who better than us three himbologists to discuss Travis' delicate balance of hot and ick, uncover a conspiracy around a secret message, and try not to fall into a great big toilet.
Give Eilish the BoH Bump: Stream (but actually buy) Final Girl! Subscribe to Stranger Than Fiction! Follow EG on IG!
177. Fabio Pigeon Girl Incident (Catching Kelce S1 E1)
The whistle blows, and regular season play begins - in week 1 of Catching Kelce, Travis narrowed down his pool of fifty women to just fifteen in a brutal round of cuts. We analyse the plays made on the first episode to determine which women deserved a touchdown, and which deserved to much-frown (due to not being picked).
We're lucky enough to be joined by Travis Kelce as a special in-studio guest - plus, Max lists all the dud states, Xav recounts a bird-related mishap, and we learn to mix liquor with alcohol.
176. Introduction (Catching Kelce Preview Special)
Go long! (We sure did). The Bachelor of Hearts podcast is back with a new mini-series, in which we'll be covering the 2016 E! reality series Catching Kelce, which follows Kansas City Chiefs' superstar tight end Travis Kelce's attempt to find love from a pool of 50 women. In this preview episode, we cover the 25-minute preview special, and set the scene with all the necessary context (who's Taylor Swift, anyway?) - what the world looked like in 2016, what a tight end is, and of course, a detailed and exhaustive ranking of all of Taylor Swift's albums. Plus - who's Stink?
Find us on socials @bohpod, join our Facebook group Bachelor of Hearts Oshposting, and support the show on Patreon 🌹🏈
175. Smellen Collie (A State of the Nation Special)
It's time to sit down and have a think about where things are going. On this episode, our second-ever 'State of the Nation' address, we take stock of where the world of The Bachelor AU is right now - hanging a little delicately, perhaps, but not without hope. We suggest some ideas to help the show back on its feet, and pitch some new reality shows of our own.
We also take an exciting look at what's ahead for BoH, including some rough plans for the rest of the year, and the announcement of the next show we'll be covering!
New pixel art bbs by George Greentree ❤️
174. Confettaphor (The Golden Wedding)
Note - there's a slight audio issue on this episode, please pretend you do not hear it!
173. Ring Camera (The Golden Bachelor S1 E9)
172. Like One Season In One Day (The Bachelor[s] AU S11 E10-12)
We're tackling the last three episodes of this wild season all in one go - so strap down your precariously positioned pot plants, gather up a few stray geese, jot down a few hundred words on a scrap of printer paper, and prepare for the best. Which Bachelors emerge unscathed? Which women were we cheering for? (hint: all of them) And do we really have to talk about Baby one more time? From an unexpected (and unexpectable) gift, to a purchase previously thought impossible, to a running time that ended up as long as Killers of the Flower Moon - this episode overflows with very specific miracles for very specific people. Thanks for listening to this season. Back soon.
171. Make Out or Break Out (The Bachelor[s] S11 E8-9)
It's a pivotal pair of episodes as we wriggle closer to finale, with giddy highs (Wesley and Brea breaking format and technically making Bachelor history, a much-needed and well-earned boat date, and an unexpected crossover with Dr. Pimple Popper) as well as undeniable lows (Episode 8).
Please send us your mnemonics to help us remember what floor food to eat. We'll be back again soon with our coverage of the rest of the season - plus Max says we'll be doing a whole episode about Ballina, so I guess look forward to that.
170. Is It Fragrant w/ Imogen Clark! (The Bachelor[s] AU S11 E6-7)
This episode, we're joined once again by wonderful musician, friend, and certified Ben hater Imogen Clark to discuss The Bachelors Australia episodes 6 and 7 - which featured the usual drama about who's receiving flowers, but also new drama about when flowers are being received. Plus a dangle-date conspiracy, another complicated admission (and subsequent expectation) from Wes, and a Pretty Woman date that gets worse the more you think about it.
Please enjoy our expert body language analysis, a bold prediction for Luke's final pick, a moment for a scene-stealing background character, and the most expensive (and most worth it) bit in BoH history.
Give Imogen the BoH Bump: Buy or stream her music on Bandcamp (or anywhere else), catch her on tour in January, and follow her on socials @imogenclarkmusic!
169. Missed Bit Potential (The Bachelor[s] AU S11 E5)
Any podcast born after 2015 can't cook... all they know is point out visible boom mic, correct handsome idiot on art history, investigate the acting career of Big Brother Australia 2005 evictee Simon Deering, try and work out the difference between "person" and "human", look up prices of hot chip & lie.
We're back with a one-off recap of Episode 5 - which included a crashed group date, a little bit of culture at the NGV, and a vow of celibacy.
168. FINGERS w/ Abigail Harley! (The Bachelor[s] AU S11 E3-4)
JINGIES! We are so thrilled to welcome back the absolutely crunching Abigail "Big Gail" Harley (The Bachelor[s] Season 10, or, *sigh* 1) back to the pod!! We propose a toast(er) to B.G.'s new squeeze, before diving into a raucous recap of two episodes that began with a love bomb-y love-note, through dates with various degrees of hauntedness, and ended in a cowardly act of deception. Sounds pretty juicy, right?
All this, plus rhyming slang, gollies, and the ascent of Beefy Luke.
Give Big Gail the BoH Bump: find her on Instagram @itsbiggail!
167. What’s Upcycling With You? (The Bachelor[s] AU S11 E2)
Welcome quack to the BoH podcast! On this episode, we're diving deep on Episode 2 of The Bachelors Australia S11/2, which contained numerous deep-dives of its own, as well as two ducks, five swans, a pelican, a whirly-bird, and (not quite) a Gosling. We're a partridge short of a carol here, although two of this season's birds will get a peck before the night is through.
Plus - Max celebrates a successful called shot, Xavy maps out some Melbourne geography, and we delight in the surprise return of a beloved Group Date format.
166. Slooooow Mooooo (The Bachelor[s] AU S11 E1)
HELLO! And welcome back to Australia's best and longest-running Bachelor podcast! We're so stoked to be back on deck recapping Season 11 of The Bachelor[s] Australia, unless it's Season 2, the jury's still out. In this episode:
Has the Bachelor gone full Bridgerton? Also, what's Bridgerton? Plus, you'll meet all (some?) of the key players from the show's "Most Romantic™️ Season" yet.
Also - Christian Swear Words, a Ting expose, and which one of these women will initiate World War III, darling?
165. Make Up Artists (The Bachelor[s] AU S11 Preview)
This week on BoH, we're taking a detailed look at the 24 women who'll be entering the fray when the new season of The Bachelors Australia starts this weekend. Xavy puts their official cast bio analysis hat on, and Max sniffs around the dark and dusty alleyways of the internet searching for buried treasure. It's a fully off-leash deep-dive into weird made-up job titles, German TV, Mr. Lambo, juice addiction, and horse creation software.
Stick around to the end for our totally unqualified predictions on who'll still be standing at the end of this season!
164. Grumble (Golden Bachelor S1 E8)
This week, we're both back in action for a simply staggering week of Golden Bachelor. It's Fuck Week - the official celebration of permitted primetime porking, which prompts potentially painful pratfalls from the show's pension-eligible patriarch. We bear witness to the first ever Golden 69, find out how birds have sex, and struggle to agree on our predictions for the finale.
163. Gerry 'Time' Turner (Golden Bachelor S1 E7: The Women Tell All)
This week, XRN has been struck down by covid-19, so MQ is handily filling in the gaps, for the traditional not-quite-an-episode of the series: The Women Tell All. There's not All that much for the Women to Tell this time around, as drama has served as a garnish to the other festivities this season. However, we do find out our Final Two, as Gerry surprises us with his choice of evictee, and Max reflects on their less-than-ideal ending. Plus: gas chat, six inches become eight, and of course, we get to hear plenty of Max's beautiful Gerry impression.
162. Manic Pixie Farm Girl w/ Annemarie Navar-Gill & Carrie Rosen! (Golden Bachelor S1 E6)
This week, it's the greatest crossover event in Bachelor podcasting history, as we're joined by Annemarie Navar-Gill and Carrie Rosen, hosts of Bachelor in Retrospect, to recap Gerry's Hometowns episode.
We do our best to unpick the show's cliffhanger ending, and stop down for every granular regional detail along the way. Will Slider get in shape before summer? Does The Golden Commissioner deserve our endorsement? And did Gerry fake the moon landing?
Give Annemarie and Carrie the BoH Bump: Subscribe to Bachelor In Retrospect anywhere you get podcasts, and follow them on Instagram and Tiktok @bachelorinretrospect, plus Twitter @bachretrospect.
161. Cone Dog (Golden Bachelor S1 E5)
'Twas the week before Hometowns and all through the Mansion, the final 6 hope Gerry will meet their grandson. (Not the best rhyme, I'm sorry). This week, the women present their case for why they deserve to be in the top 3, leading to some incredible gameplay & heart-melting declarations of love. Plus - we discuss some breaking pop-culture news thanks to past & future guest Imogen Clark, Maxy Needs A Recipe, we go deep on Hannah Montana: The Movie: The Game, and we plan a live podcast in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.
Check out the Two Paths for the Jewish Bachelor Contestant episode of JewishCurrents' "On The Nose" podcast referenced in this episode.
160. Runaway Brine w/ Jodi McAlister! (Golden Bachelor S1 E4)
This EEK, we're joined by author, academic and Bachie AU icon Jodi McAlister for our annual arbitrarily Halloween-themed episode, Dracula of Haunts Laments: Screamer Shudders! Join us for a spirited discussion of The Golden Bachelor's fourth week, which included an exciting pickleball group date, the season's first declaration of love, and visits from the franchise's past and future.
Jodi shares heaps of expertise about the archetypes of romantic fiction, mentionitis, and misattribution of arousal - as well as recommending some international reality shows, and detailing her process in creating a fictional show that resembles but is legally distinct from The Bachelor.
Plus, we play a new game called Dink On Your Feet, stan for Sandra From Atlanta, and catch up on some developing baby news from last week.
Please note - due to a very spooky audio issue, you'll notice the audio is spookily bad this week. It's a thematic thing, and very deliberate, but we're sorry anyway.
Give Jodi the BoH Bump! Find the Marry Me, Juliet series (and Jodi's other books) wherever books are sold, and keep an eye out for Not Here To Make Friends when it drops on January 3. Find her Bachie recaps at Book Thingo, and follow @jodimcalister on Instagram, TikTok, and BlueSky.
159. Hot Baby (Golden Bachelor S1 E3)
This week, we're a little distracted by some baby news on Bachelor in Paradise, but we still find time for some research into Joan's hometown, memories of Listen To Your Heart, and the shortest Single Date we've ever seen.
Plus, we genuinely enjoy some poetry, marvel at the gentlest dibber-dobbing in franchise history, and learn what a hoo-ha is. (None of our business).
158. Big Fat Tears w/ Bella Johnston! (Golden Bachelor S1 E2)
This week on BoH: Senior Studies, we're joined by the iconic Bella Johnston (The Bachelor[s] AU Season 10) to recap Week 2 of The Golden Bachelor - which features the women's arrival at the mansion, a toe-tapping Single Date, and a handful of instances of good grief. Bella shares her experiences with mansion life, trauma bonding, crafting perfect Bachie fits and being papped in the nude. Plus - a biscuit DM slide, the mysterious disappearance of Marina, and the warm embrace of a familiar Group Date.
Give Bella the BoH Bump: Find her on Instagram, TikTok, and her new Sunroom @spicyjohnston. Plus, get in on the ground level of her new podcast, One Night Stand @onenightstandpod.
157. Big Tongues w/ Alisha Aitken-Radburn! (Golden Bachelor S1 E1)
This week, we're joined by returning guest Alisha Aitken-Radburn to officially kick off our coverage of the first ever season of The Golden Bachelor! We get the lowdown on Alisha's great new memoirThe Villain Edit, before diving deep into the limo entrances and shock Night 1 farewells of a pretty stunning episode of television. Plus - we practice our Gerry impressions, we debate the one "little droplet of cruelty" in the episode, and Max tells us about trombones.
(Editors' note - the Golden Bachelor S1 E1 recap begins about 40 minutes into the episode.)
Give Alisha the BoH bump: The Villain Edit is available on paperback & e-book wherever books are sold, with an audiobook coming later this year. Find Alisha on socials @alisha.aitkenradburn.
156. Step-Doodle (The Golden Bachelor Preview)
Bachelor of Hearts Presents: Senior Studies is finally here! In this series, we'll be looking at the inaugural season of The Golden Bachelor as it airs in the US - a series which marks the first time in Bachelor history that a cast has been exclusively made up of people aged 60 years and over. In advance of the first episode, we put our Professional Bachelor Journalist caps on to find out all we can about the 22 beautiful women who'll be competing for the heart of Gerry Turner (and of course, for the hearts of the viewing public).
For more - find us on Instagram or join the Bachelor of Hearts Oshposting group on Facebook.
155. Crazy Frog Wedding
The BoH babys are BACK with a brand-new episode covering a scattershot grab-bag of extremely important topics! First of all, we're officially announcing that we will be covering The Golden Bachelor when it begins airing in the US at the end of September. We also detail some BoH-adjacent books and music we've been enjoying, dig into a red-hot crematorium scandal, and try and determine where 90s hitmakers The Offspring stand on trans rights. Plus, we catch up on recent weddings, product launches, and comings-out (both closet and implant).
154. Three More Of Them (Th3 Bach3lors First Impr3ssions 2.0)
Well, it's certainly a choice (again). This episode features our initial reactions to the announcement that Season 11 of The Bachelor Australia will again feature three leads: Wesley Senna Cortes, Ben Waddell, and Luke Bateman. XRN is going in cold (well, actually, going in 'stomach virus'), but MQ has prepared a detailed dossier on the three new Bachelors - so join us as we dig deeper than anyone could reasonably expect us to in order to find out whether any of these guys are interesting enough to talk about on our podcast for several frantic weeks. (We're still going to do it regardless, but, y'know.)
153. To Results (FBOY Island AU S1 E9-10)
What's up bug dicks! The FBoy Island gods have blessed us with a combination Fuck Week and Finale Week, so we dig in to all the action, including a twist ending that served as another huge highlight of the season. Plus - what's going on with Cory? Which ex-Bachelor was caught up in a gangland shooting this week? And has a DJ ever had sex?
152. Baked Potato (FBOY Island AU S1 E7-8)
This week, we grapple with how the show recovered from a staggering cliffhanger, as the men's true natures (or at least their declared plans for the prize money) have become a matter of public record. Plus - a spirited discussion about kink, a flat-out disagreement about the respective A-Boy and F-Boy of the week, and flowers for Gold Logie nominee Osher Gunsberg. We're also inspired by a scene-stealing and potentially chances-ruining sunburn to introduce a new segment honouring the contestant who most needs a trip to SPFBoy Island.
151. Hey Babe, Eu Rope? (FBOY Island AU S1 E5-6)
Join us @bohpod on social media to continue the conversation!
150. Fboy OnLand (FBOY Island AU S1 E3-4)
This week, we're back discussing FBOY Island Australia, and even though it's only week 2, we've already seen several game-breakingly unexpected events that require our analysis. What happens when a Nice Guy is cast away and then resurrected? And just what is an "intruder" when it comes to reality TV? All this plus our awards for F Boy of the week, A Boy of the week, and much much more.
All this plus Xavier presents a brief history of pieing, we reminisce about the deeply cursed British dating show Snog Marry Avoid?, and Max shares some brand-new-and-definitely-not-rushed-into-production jingles.
149. Tube Of Goo (FBOY Island AU S1 E1-2)
This week, we kick off our coverage of the brand-new series, FBOY Island Australia! We rank some of our first impressions from A to F-Boy, we discuss "Bros Before Hoes" and the gray area between F-Boy and Nice Guy, and we pick our "boygenius" smartest moves of the week.
Plus, Max shares highlights from Abbie Chatfield's Trauma Dump show, Leah Cummings speaks out about Thomas Malucelli, and Xavier smelled something funny at a birthday party.
148. The Perfect Applicant
In this extra-length episode, we report on three rumoured leads for the now-confirmed Bachelor AU S11, touch base about MILF Manor, and make an important announcement about what we'll be covering on the podcast next.
But the meat of this episode comes when we decide to create the perfect application for The Bachelor. We go step-by-step through the exhaustive online application process, shaping and moulding the truth using our years of experience to create the ideal semi-fictional contestant.
147. Max Quinn Lists Every Movie He's Ever Seen
In this episode of Bachelor of Hearts, we're keeping the feed warm with a couple of updates and a leisurely stroll through the exhaustive and complete* list of every movie Max Quinn has ever seen. Plus, The Bachelors casting news, an exciting promotional opportunity for BoH in the USA, and a chance run-in with an ursid under the influence.
Follow us on Letterboxd: @mqbigfilmguy and @xavierrn
*List complete as of 23/04/2023 - also Max thought of a few more after we finished taping
146. Emotional Support Leaf w/ Abigail "Big Gail" Harley!
On this very special episode of Bachelor of Hearts, we're joined by the one and only Abigail from Season 10 of The Bachelor[s] AU!
She runs us through how her mum found out she was on the show, details what the past few months since shooting have been like, and of course gives us a much-needed Minnie update, before we walk her through the entire traumatic history of Season 10 to get her side of events. We go deep on getting stuck in someone else’s storyline, explore the limits of the ketchup complex, and get an answer to a question we’ve had all season: are Felix’s teeth real?
Give Big Gail the BoH Bump: follow her on Instagram @itsbiggail, TikTok @itsbiggail, and of course share the love with Minnie @minniethecatchelorette!
[BONUS] MAFS Recap 4: Dinner Party - 5 Things We Learned
[BONUS] MAFS Recap 3: Dinner Party Winners & Losers
Who won and who lost during the first Married At First Sight Dinner Party of Season 10? BoH co-host Max Quinn reacts live after the episode. Hot takes within on:
- Harrison, Bronte and Melinda
- Can Jesse be redeemed?
- Melissa's root rat edit
- Josh's Disney obsession
- ... what is Cumbo?
[BONUS] MAFS Recap 2: The Ick
[BONUS] MAFS Recap 1: The Man With No Neck
Intrepid ingenue of interpersonal issues Max Quinn takes the reins for this solo pod recapping MAFS Australia: Season 10, Episode 1.
145. The Men's Singles (The Bachelor[s] AU S10 E12)
Well, I don't know what we expected. On this episode, we recap a suitably bugnuts finale to match a completely chaotic season of television. This episode featured some of the strangest and most memorable moments of any Bachelor season we can remember - from Thomas' abrupt final dismissal, to the first ever accepted proposal on an Australian Bachelor show, to a last-minute drone invasion. We also give an update on where everyone's at now, over six months since the season wrapped.
Plus, Maxy's Tim Burton hot takes, a detailed analysis of "Kiss me like you're single", and also, does Jed fuck?
144. Speaking Of Segways... (The Bachelor[s] AU S10 E10-11)
We're at the very tail end of 'Finals Week', and in a move that definitely has nothing to do with budget restraints, the show has decided to combine Hometowns with the Meet The Parents (as well as a drop-in from the dreaded Fourth Bachelor) into one great big calamitous clusterfuck. We sat down to record right after Episode 11 aired to figure out how ready (or not ready) everyone seems to be to get engaged, we try and get our heads around Thomas' desire to "create life from scratch", and grapple with just what Damien's deal is, and how it might involve the 'Seven Figure Academy'?
143. Cat Soup (The Bachelor[s] AU S10 E8-9)
In another gut-reaction podcast recorded straight after the 9th episode of The Bachelors, we remain remarkably on track and tangent-free as we go deep on Jed's songwriting process, Felix's narrative of personal growth, the mishandling of several key participants' storylines this season. We do make some brief stops along the way to discuss our kebab shop orders, Muppets, Rob Zombie, dipping sauces, and Xavier debuts their long-gestating Thomas impression.
142. Sex Dolphins (The Bachelor[s] AU S10 E6-7)
141. I Declare A Tongue War (The Bachelor[s] AU S10 E4-5)
They've bloody gone and done it. They've put four episodes of The Bachelors out in a row. With a steadily rising current of Bachelor content lapping at our feet, we're up Bach creek without a paddle, and forced to try and recap the show on the fly. We discuss the fallout from Tash's brief reign as the show's villain, Felix's continuing acts of mouth-based violence, and of course we debate how the hell an adult man could have no clue how to make a cup of tea. Plus - is it all getting a bit too wet for Thomas?
Read Jasmine's piece for 10play here: https://10play.com.au/the-bachelor/articles/im-not-ashamed-of-it-jasmine-opens-up-about-her-onlyfans-scandal-in-the-bachelor-mansion/tpa230111dbcvf
140. Tash Rash (The Bachelor[s] AU S10 E3)
139. A Boner You Can't Refuse (The Bachelor[s] AU S10 E2)
Season 10 of The Bachelor AU marches on, and it's another episode that's quite different to what we've been led to expect: Group Dates have been revamped, we're visiting the Bachelors' brand-new penthouse Bach Pad, and there's an interesting triptych structure to help us follow the action. We discuss the way the show is allowing the Bachelors to be less than perfect, unveil a fresh BoH conspiracy theory regarding some post-production trickery, and Max debuts his chilling new impression of Thomas Malucelli.
138. The Swoon Landing Was Faked (The Bachelor[s] AU S10 E1)
It's finally time - the long-awaited tenth season of The Bachelor has emerged from its extended primordial slumber, and we are here to pull apart all the juicy details of the very first episode. Luck (and our wonderful community) placed the first two episodes into our eagerly outstretched hands a little early, which means we've had ample time to chew over all the changes the producers have made to ensure this is the differentest season yet. THREE Bachelors. THIRTY roses. THREE HUNDRED MILLION women. And, get this - it's extremely horny.
Feeling surprised? Frightened? Excited? We got u.