I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

I talk about my continued medical garbage, writing, reading, and homebuying, panicking because of all of it. I also talk about grief, the grief book, shifting to more positive thinking, and aging pets. I also read a couple poems I wrote this week.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

Burnout, grief check in, looking for ways to be more positive, social isolation, a recent thing I wrote, rambling briefly about TV show Superstore and YouTubers Moist Critical and shoe0nhead. Yep, this episode has it all.

Migraines, other health updates, generally reflecting on how functioning the last couple of weeks has been difficult on a lot of levels, and creativity are the main topics for this one. I also share a brand-new, never publicly shared story here for the first time. It’s a short story: “Crushed” – really nervous about sharing, but I tried to promise myself that I’d work on writing more and I recently wrote this and felt decent about it. Since this is an accountability space for me, I figured I’d share it.

The books I reference in this episode by title but not by author: Wool by Hugh Howey, Born to be Public by Greg Mania, and Spy x Family by Tatsuya Endo.

Crushed is an original short story written by me. Do not reproduce it without expressed permission. (This is not permission.)

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

Once again, I feel angry, frustrated, tired, but this time, full of fight, despite depression and grief, and I scream into the void about the decisions being made in this fucking country. Then I switch gears and talk about some media I’ve interacted with this week along with how I’m trying to cope. I talk about the decent “Supreme” decision for a majority of this episode, so if you’re not up for that, you’ve been warned.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I feel angry, frustrated, tired, lost, hopeless, and I honestly just scream into the void about it for a while. Then I talk about what makes me happy, trying to focus on coping, wishing I could get some perspective on happiness and how to maintain a better mental/emotional state, some manic energy I was spiraling on last week and some decisions based on it. Then I read a journal entry and call it a day.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

This one gets heavier than normal. I talk about emotional burnout, a very rough week, Pride, Indy 500, hobbies and routines feeling like forced obligations and wondering if it’s burnout or depression making it feel that way, and I also talk about how grief was wrapped up in the rocky week. I also read a VERY intense listener email.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

Self-love via Gaga circa 2010-2012 vs 2022, Anterior Pelvic Tilt, yoga, exercise, skateboarding, D&D, video games, reading, writing, COVID brain fog, emotional burn out, Indy 500, Texas and Oklahoma, and another glance at 2012 me vs 2022 me. This episode covers a lot in a short amount of time. 

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

This one includes discussion about Mother’s Day, post-Mother’s Day blues, an enamel pin, writing, reading, skating, the Hatch Act, and the state of hard world stuff in general. I read a letter I wrote to Mom and ramble about missing movie theaters, feeling a deep loneliness and trying to combat it, and the desire to stop feeling like I want to die.

Pysch2Go is the name of the YouTube Channel I talk about at some point in this as well.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

This one is heavy. It’s Mother’s Day, which snuck up on me, and Roe v Wade has me angry and sad, too. I talk about struggling with today being Mother’s Day, with the leaked information about Roe v Wade. This one is just heavy all around.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I ramble about creativity being hard, still feeling relatively quiet, and loving Greg Mania’s book Born to Be Public: A Memoir. I also talk about heavy topics weighing on me and not having the capacity to really deal with those items still. And somehow, I wind up giving a play-by-play of my early voting experience? I don’t know. I was kind of all over the place this episode. I think I might have just been happy to be up for recording a bit more? I don’t know.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

Another shorter episode. I swear as soon as I can, I will record longer episodes again! Still worn out from being sick, still trying to recover from the sick-tired feeling that continues, generally still feeling less stamina, less mental capacity, and just…very tired. Trying to do a check in involved: discussing Easter, being sick, feeling unhelpful for people I care about who are dealing with health stuff right now, what I’ve been reading/doing/trying to do this week. Forgot to say this in the episode, but…please send me your sad stuff or happy stuff just whatever you want to hold a space for.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

Just a quick episode, still not 100%, want less awful than before. After recording, I realized that I am feeling truly depressed and worn out from recovering from being sick so recording was hard because of that. This is another quick update from recovery. Hopefully, I'll be feeling much better soon.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

Just a quick episode, still sick, but less sick. Felt horrible not doing an episode two weeks in a row. Talk about The Dropout finale, Community, Easter, and The Batman.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I ramble a lot. Mostly about the ways in which depression has affected me, and how I’ve been trying to more actively combat that this week (while also still being pretty depressed), but I talk about Mom and Grandma, missing them, and grappling with the feelings of a life-related transition, and Easter, struggling to make phone calls, especially to certain people, but also how I am struggling to just reach out in general right now. I mention rearranging some space for the life-transition situation, and how I hope having a project will help with the depression. Lots of depression and internal struggle in this one, that is for sure.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

In this one, I have trouble focusing on what I want to talk about, because I was shaken up by a dream I had right before waking up. I talk a little about D&D, COVID-19 masking changes, and the dream. I also read a listener email. Thank you for writing in.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

In this one, I talk about feeling quiet, closer to feeling emotionally level despite feeling depressed and generally down. I talk briefly about the things that are probably weighing me down: weather changes, the war in Ukraine, medicine. I talk about writing and the writing group a little, and the kick I got out of Hulu’s miniseries The Dropout. Oh, and I share the poem I wrote a few weeks ago and chickened out of reading a few weeks ago.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

This one is all about how Mom-Week went, what we did on the day of the anniversary, and how I’m tired of being sad, of feeling weighed down by grief, and getting messages that feel timely. I also mention suicidal thoughts, but just in passing. I talk about self-care and slowing down and trying to figure out how to get back to that.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

Depression, grief, a listener email, and I chicken out of sharing a poem this week – all spoke about while on a performance high from an exhilarating voice acting session.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

This one is about feeling horrible and struggling with suicidal thoughts. Stuff doesn’t bring someone back from the dead, no matter how hard you hold on to the items, it won’t bring somebody back. Also, I’m clinging to what Vox Machina represents as much as I cling to Spider-Man.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I talk about the regret I feel surrounding the final month of Mom’s life and Grandma’s life, along with what I’m doing to stay in decent mental health headspace, and I try to take a moment to appreciate the hard work I’m doing and finding the confidence to believe in myself. I read a poem I wrote called, “I Dream About Dying,” and I urge people to write in with their struggles during the pandemic.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I talk about some heavy stuff in this one. Missing Mom, feeling the dread as March approaches. Crying over apples and sudden grocery-related memories, followed by feeling weird with strange, out-of-place grief. I mention reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky – if you read it, be ready for some heavy content in that book. I also talk about other things, but these are the highlights that I remember. I also read another email from a listener!

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

This one is about finishing Spider-Man/Deadpool, watching some shows(!!) – one of which is Peacemaker, which I might accidentally call Peacekeeper? (Sorry, it’s because I like The Hunger Games and mix up the words sometimes.) – and grief and letting go and sharing this podcast feeling a little less awkward. I have a listener email to read that I didn’t read this episode because I have big migraine threatening to swallow me whole. I wanted to do the email justice, and today, I don’t think I could have done that. I will read the email titled “Sunshine Patriots” on next week’s episode instead.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

This one is about writing, a new stage of grief, the booster shot and how it’s affecting my self-care, what I’m doing to deal with emotional pain from the holidays and birthdays and how I could be doing something better about that probably. Reading comics and coming up on finishing a comic series I’ve been reading for a few years now and considering what I’ll read next as far as comics go. I also talk about how hard hometown visits are now, despite being incredibly homesick for the people, the place is difficult to be. I’ve also received the very first listener email, so I share that as well, and then I ramble about it a little bit.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I talk about the booster shot, my birthday, writing and participating in creative activities, but mostly, I talk about reading and some of the stuff I’ve read recently or over the last year, because my jaw hurts and I feel quiet on the inside.

In this one, I also unveil a new feature of this podcast. So, there’s also that. You’ll notice there’s an email address and Twitter handle at the bottom of this description. This episode also contains some rules of engagement concerning how to interact with that information. Also, I think in the episode, I say the Twitter handle is the exact same as the email address, but it's not. The true Twitter handle is @IDKPandemicPod and it's hyperlinked below. 

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

This one is all about Betty White, Mom’s birthday, and Harry Potter. Oh! Aaaand the anxiety I'm experiencing about the impending booster shot. Also, a general fear and anxiety about death and people I love and care about dying. Just lots of death and difficult things, and doing things despite those feelings.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

Wow, I talk a lot in this one! I talk about how Christmas went, how big and heavy the struggle has been to get through the week after Christmas as well, and what we plan to do for Mom’s birthday weekend. I also talk about the pandemic and other people losing people, how that makes me feel. I talk about the 2022 Goodreads Reading Challenge and the goal I set for myself. I talk about all kinds of things in this one. Be warned all around.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

I talk about how I plan to help myself make it to Christmas and through the rough days in January, what I’m trying to focus on my energy on, and trying to get to better versions of myself beyond mental illness and physical ailments. Mainly, I talk about how much it sucks that Mom’s gone and how traditions have to change because the old ones hurt or have become impossible, because of my newly identified gluten trouble.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

This one is about trying to not be so depressed, and what I did in order to try getting out of the depression. I talk about the pandemic, mental health, Christmas, and how I’m feeling about all of it. I really do focus on trying to climb out of the depression, although I’m still highly depressed.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

I’m lucky I even recorded this one! Depression and grief have been kicking my butt, and I talk about that. I also share a journal entry, because I’m so sad and tired.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

I talk about the grief and food anxiety/stressors that played a big role in my week of Thanksgiving and the week after the holiday. I also go a little more in-depth about disordered eating than some might be comfortable with, so go in knowing that there might be a small section you might want to skip if that applies to you. I talk about grief, support systems coming in different packages than you typically expect, and generally just how I have been combatting depression. (Spoiler: I talk about A LOT of ANIMAL CROSSING in relation to managing depression!) I talk about getting back to skateboarding, using the vertical climber, and how I need to incorporate yoga and meditation back into my weekly routines. I also share the latest piece of writing I’ve worked on. Lots of range in this episode.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

This week, I ramble about how the introductory writer group meeting went, what I’m reading, and how I’m feeling as Thanksgiving approaches and how I’m feeling in relation to surgery recovery, which includes depression, anxiety, disordered eating related feelings, and all those lovely hard topics I like to talk about. I talk about how my fourth social  in person event went (not counting doctor visits!). I also talk about physical activity and what I’ve felt up for lately, and how I’m making a list of indoor activities for the colder, wetter months ahead to combat depression and anxiety. I also give an update about the new writing project I’ve been working on since July or August.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

This one is about grieving my grandma, being frustrated about the pandemic and how it’s wearing me down especially concerning socializing and trying to find a balance between being safe and seeing people, and gluten-free holidays and how that’s feeling tiresome, and how the holidays will have another empty seat.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

This week, I talk about My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She’s Sorry by Fredrik Backman, how much I enjoyed the book, and how it made me feel in relation to my own grief. I also talk about some similarities between grief and recovery, winter depression setting in, suicidal thoughts creeping back into my brain, and I share a piece of writing I’ve done recently.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

I say a little more about my time in surgery recovery time. I also give some updates around dealing with Halloween. I talk about my frustrations with not being able to help people I love with their grief, and what I’m trying to do in order to help. I talk about my silly website updates and how I’m feeling more and more committed to the podcast.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

This episode is all about what happened that second week I was away from recording. This one covers some feelings I have had about getting older, why I loosely followed the Gabby Petito case, learning more about a potential gluten issue, what recovery was like during the first two weeks post-surgery and how my own surgery recovery process brought up a lot of new and unexpected feelings about Mom and her last few months alive and her death.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

This episode is all about what happened that first week I was away from recording. Spoiler: it has to be do with my grandma. This one is heavy on the grieve, the pandemic, and a little glimpse into the procedure aftermath.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

This episode is all about my love for my group of friends I run a Dungeons and Dragons game for, how I approach the role of game master, and why the creative process behind the way our game works has been a great lighthouse guiding me through the pandemic.

This week I keep it light. I just talk about Spider-Man and why I love that character so much. I probably get emotional, and it’s probably tied to heavy topics, but Spider-Man is something that brings me a lot of joy. I spend this episode talking about him and various iterations of him that were pivotal in my life and my affinity for him.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

I share some creative writing I’ve done lately, and I let a little information about a surprise out of the bag unusually early. Also!! I mention suicide a little jarringly in one of the poems I share. So, be prepared.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

I talk depression binge-watching TV shows, and what happened when that got taken away from me. And reminding myself about how far my coping skills have come, and how progress counts even when it feels small.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

I talk about my upcoming procedure, the dread that’s already mounting concerning the holidays, and the way the world still feels bleak.

Also, there are some audio disturbances that I just couldn’t get out, so shout out to my neighbors for their guest spots! It’s what I get for recording at a different time of day.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

I talk about anxiety, an upcoming terrifying event, scary things happening back home, my own fears, a wonderful wedding in the woods we got to be included in. And the most exciting part: a new book project I’m currently working on.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

Death is inevitable, and I am having some big feelings about it. Missing Mom, having a rough week, and people I know are experiencing big, heavy losses right now. Also, I briefly mention suicide and briefly try to find something positive to end the episode on a slightly less heated note.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

In this one, I talk about disordered eating, reading, and a weird connection they share for me. I talk about struggling with disordered eating actively in the moment, so if that’s hard for you to listen to, skip this episode. I also talk about reading and what it did for me as a kid, what it continues to do for me as an adult.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

I celebrate briefly making it to 52 episodes. I talk about something that makes me happy – or at least a facet of it. I talk about writing and reading, and the first vs third perspectives in writing. I talk about how I want to talk about happy stuff and give my energy to that, but that in searching for what makes me happy, I realize just how depressed I’ve been and how depressed I still feel like I am.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

I talk about random things making me miss Mom and the surprising things that have brought up pieces of grief. I talk about health scares and how this has served as a reminder that it’s a good idea to focus on the present and making the best of the time presented to you every day. I talk about how I’m working on shifting my mindset from “we can have fun after all the work is done” to “this might be all the time we have so work and fun need to be equally important right now, don’t save fun for later, because nobody is promising you later, they’re only giving you right now” and how I feel like this reminds me all of us are just time bombs. We just don’t know where we are in the countdown.

I talk about how I need to focus on happy shit for a while, and I discuss the short-term future of this podcast, and the evolution of grief.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

I talk about the importance of mental health while dealing with physical health situations. I talk about struggling with depression and burn out this week, and some things I did for myself in order to combat those feelings, and how I’m still feeling like I’m not 100 percent. I talk about skateboarding, being angry with the universe, the struggle with creating vs not creating, the fear of losing another loved one, and I touch on why I started the podcast and how mind-blowing it is that I have reached 50 episodes.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

I talk about having a rough week with life stuff, really wishing I could talk to Mom, things changing quickly, and looking forward to something that wasn’t health-related, depression, anxiety, and self-care through reading, writing, and nourishing my creativity.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.

Episode Description: I talk about having a rough week with life stuff and with grief, and just having a really heavy “I need mom” week, and I talk about reading in the world where Mom is dead.

As always, I swear and talk about a lot of heavy stuff; you've been warned.

I haven’t made time to participate in the Reedsy Prompts challenges lately, but I’m still including the link to that and my Twitter.