I first came out when I was 18 shortly after moving to college. For seven years after that I experienced doubt that I would every be happy. Denial that God would give me such a burden. Pain at the thought that things would never get better and fear that I would never be accepted for who I am. But now, I no longer experience those agonizing emotions. In their place I have found confidence in who I was created to be, joy in the life I have built, and hope that my story can make a difference. This four-part series explores my path to healing. Read along atpaulsatchwill.com
"I have no road map for this journey, but I think I can gauge my success by the fruit this life is bearing. The conversations, the messages and phone calls, the opportunities to share my story are all mile markers that I’m making my way in the right direction. And as long as I follow the path I’m on, forging the way for myself and those behind me, I can only anticipate the most beautiful destination."
This is the final installment in "Coming Out of Fear." I share where I'm at now, what I hope for the future, and how this is just the beginning of a beautiful journey.
"with hands shaking, heart pumping, and mind racing, I pressed post. And just like that I had just announced to over 2500 people that I am gay."
The summer of 2018 was an incredible time of growth in my life. But that growth didn't come without a fight. In this installment of "Coming Out of Fear" I share my experience fighting for happiness and creating boldness. What started as a social media coming out post turned into some of the most valuable life lessons I've ever learned.
I knew that therapy was what I needed, but it was far from what I’d wanted. Next only to fear, pride had made a comfortable home in my mind and controlled many of my decisions. I was proud that no one had unlocked the inner rooms of my mind that contained my truest identity deep within. I was proud that I had always stood my ground when questioned about my sexuality, happily offering up a lie for silence. It was easier than telling the truth and at one point I’d convinced myself that the lie was the truth. coming out of fear installment two: the help tells the story of the impact that therapy has had in my life, and how my fight is far from over.
I have always been a creature of fear. My fear was so vast, so colorless, and so consuming that I could not separate it from myself. I was afraid of not being social enough, of disappointing my parents, and of being out of control. As I aged and grew into young adulthood, a new kind of fear crept in long before I could name it. It was not until college that I was finally able to acknowledge it: my sexuality. Once I realized that my sexual attractions were against what I thought my God demanded of me, once I saw that I had grown to be the abomination that I had heard of my whole life, I was devastated. Crushed. Paralyzed. I had no idea why God would give me this curse. Why had God blessed me with this disposition when he could have settled for jealousy, hate, greed, or a myriad of lesser sins? The question that dug me deeper into myself echoed endlessly through my mind: why me?
coming out of fear installment one: the fear tells the story of how I found myself in the darkest place of my life, with seemingly no escape.