The Total Whine Podcast
By Emily Frase
Emily Frase, the founder of Total Whine and cofounder and president of FAbM Base brings you straight talk on the tricky bits of living Catholic with a fun and honest twist.
The Total Whine PodcastMay 13, 2023
Episode 33: Work Life/ Mom Life
I share my four non-negotiables for balancing work and motherhood successfully. Here "successfully" is understood to mean "staying sane".
Episode 32: Sexual Pleasure, Word of the Year
Contrary to the order of the title, I discuss my Word of the Year first in today's episode, then I take a look at Pope Francis' latest comments about the goodness of sexual pleasure. Obviously, I listed the latter first because click bait.
Episode 31: Cussin'
Way back, someone asked whether cussing was a sin. Naturally, I thought it would make a great podcast episode.
Mentioned in today's episode:
Episode 30: Tradwives, Nostalgia, and Happy Grandmas
Were our grandmothers happier? Were things in general better in the past? Should we adopt lifestyles or hobbies from days gone by to be happier or even holier? In today's episode, I answer these questions using lots of non-cuss words.
Episode 29: Nostalgia
An introspective look about where I started with Total Whine, where I am now, and where I hope to go. If you're new to the podcast, I recommend skipping this one in favor for one of my sex episodes first ;)
Episode 28: A Nuanced Look at Suffering
Suffering sucks, but it's part of life. Unhelpfully, most conversations talk about it in terms of needing to embrace it, smile through it, or avoid it like the plague. If none of those have worked for you, good news, there's another option. If you've ever wanted to have your pain taken away, or wondered why we suffer at all, this episode is for you.
Episode 27: The Supper of the Lamb with Emily Stimpson Chapman
Dream come true, I got to have a chat with Emily Stimpson Chapman about her new book, The Supper of the Lamb, a children's book about the mass adapted from Scott Hahn's The Lamb's Supper. It's an exquisite book that will capture your child's imagination, and probably yours too.
Of course, I had to talk to Emily about motherhood as well, and she shared some wonderful words of wisdom on how to pass the faith on to kids, and to cultivate a rich prayer life in the chaos of motherhood.
You can purchase the book at 10% off using code "Frase10" directly from the publisher St Paul Center: https://stpaulcenter.com/product/the-supper-of-the-lamb/
Episode 26: Christina Valenzula and Charting for Single Women
It's an absolute delight to bring you such a fun conversation with my dear friend, Christina Valenzuela, about her new book, Cycle Charting for Single Women.
You can purchase the book here
And be sure to follow Christina on Instagram @pearlandthistle
Christina Valenzuela is the owner and creative director of Pearl & Thistle, LLC, where she offers a unique blend of theology and science to bring better body literacy to Catholic families and parishes. She has been a certified instructor in the Boston Cross Check™ method of Natural Family Planning since 2013 and her signature course, Cycle Prep, was a 2021 OSV Innovation Challenge finalist. She holds an undergraduate degree in Philosophy and Theology from the University of Notre Dame as well as a Masters in Theological Studies from Harvard Divinity School. She is a life-professed member of the Lay Fraternities of St. Dominic and resides with her husband and four children outside of Boston.
Episode 25: My Marian Testimony
It's the Feast of the Our Lady of the Rosary, my 11th renewal of Marian consecration, and I want to talk about my relationship with my Heavenly Momma. I think most Catholic women have struggled in their relationship with Mary at some point, and I want to share my experiences with her, not as a way to tell you where you need to be, but to invite you to think about Mary maybe in a way you haven't before.
Episode 24: Catherine of Siena, Trad Bros and Ayn Rand
In this episode, you are treated to the big ball of wire that is my brain where these wildly un-connectable dots - Catherine of Siena, Trad Bros and Ayn Rand - somehow connect. Find out how a conversation with a friend about the woman's experience of sex got my wires buzzing.
Episode 23: Instagram Q&A
I asked my Instagram followers for topics they'd like me to discuss, and they delivered. I answered 3 questions:
1. Is it ok for Catholics to say "we're done" having kids, while still using NFP?
2. How to combat the "priests on a pedastal" mentality?
3. How to find supportive family/ couple friends and community in your parish?
The link I mentioned in my opening story: https://spermmeetseggplan.com/
Episode 22: Birth Wars
The topic that only took me a year or so to tackle. My pitch can be summarized like so: yes, there are big issues with maternal care, but moralizing birth methods is not the solution. If you have no idea what birth wars are, you'll find out in the second half of the episode. The first half is just me going off about how we need to treat all birth with a deep sense of awe. Enjoy!
Episode 21: A Devotional for the Overwhelmed
Episode 20: Homeschooling and School Choice
The episode in which I share our decision to homeschool this year. I also talk about why the urge to paint homeschooling as the morally superior decision in all situations because we live in a crazy world is, well to put it frankly, dumb.
Episode 19: Ladies Talking Sex with Dr. Sarah Bartel
I loved having Dr. Sarah Bartel on the show to share about her program My Delight, a 3 month coaching course for Catholic women to navigate issues and understanding of sexuality. It is both practical and theologically sound, and so so needed!
Dr. Bartel and I spent the majority of the time talking about Catholic teaching regarding sex, so this is an episode that any woman would find helpful. She even shared some teachings about the necessity of the female orgasm that date back to 1850 - yea you read that right - teachings I heard for the very first time in this episode!
The fall course of My Delight is open for enrollment Mon-Thurs, September 11-14, 2023 and you can sign up by using my affiliate link here: https://emilyfrase.krtra.com/t/zjtED7YVcCa4
Episode 18: Discernment with Fr. Andrew Clark
You're going to love this conversation I have with my friend Fr. Andrew Clark of the Diocese of Arlington, VA about discernment. I saw a video of him talking about discernment in a way I'd never heard before and instantly new you needed to hear what he shared. In talking about NFP, one thing that comes up constantly is confusion over what discernment is, how to discern well, etc. Fr. Clark shares a beautiful, practical way to think about discernment, whether you're wondering if you should add a child to your family, or if you just need to log off Instagram - all synthesized from the wisdom of the saints.
And for those who know Fr. Clark and are wondering how we know each other, we kick off our conversation by answering that question.
Episode 17: Why NFP?
It is definitely my passion to make space for people to talk about how NFP can be super sucky. But maybe I have some of you wondering: If NFP is so rough, why do it at all? Why not use some form of contraception instead?
In this episode, I answer this by sharing the question that led to my fully embracing NFP - Which means of avoiding or achieving pregnancy will help me and my spouse work towards wholeness in our marriage? Not the best sex or the most sex or the fewest fights or the most bliss. Rather wholeness, integration and Heaven.
Episode 16: The Barbie movie, Leadership and the Our Lost Sense of Humor
I watched the Barbie movie and I laughed out loud. So many times! And I needed to spend a little time adding that to the noise. I also add my own critique on what the film has to say about masculinity. But mostly, this is me saying that if you enjoyed the movie as fun entertainment, you weren't alone.
Episode 15: My Story, an NFP Week Special
Since I started sharing about NFP, I've heard a lot of pushback about how I focus too much on the negative, how my approach will turn people off from practicing NFP, and I should talk more about the blessings and benefits. It's a fair judgment, but one I don't agree with. Because it was precisely that approach that made the practice of NFP so needlessly miserable for me.
In today's episode, I'm getting super vulnerable to share my story, no sugarcoating, just honesty. It's painful and brutal at times, and beautiful as well. For me, those aspects coexist side by side. And that's why I share my story. I want other women to know that they can have a complex experience and complicated relationship with NFP, and it doesn't make them bad or broken Catholics. It makes them normal humans, and there is a way to process that and live NFP to the fullest, with joy and honesty about what it looks like in a fallen world.
It feels weird sometimes to share my story, but ultimately it is why I do all I do - why I speak the way I do, why I co-founded the nonprofit fabmbase.org, why I offer one-on-one coaching, and why I will unapologetically always try to make space for the messiness of what it means to live our beautiful faith in this way.
Episode 14: Can you say no to your spouse?
Episode 13: Grieving Motherhood
Episode 12: Can you use NFP selfishly?; Are vibrators licit for Catholic marriages?
In an episode that needs no introduction, I finally answer two of my favorite questions. I also share the results of the Instagram stories poll where I asked if you would mind me recording episodes with kiddo noise in the background now that they're out of school for the summer. The answer shocked me!
I included as much nuance as I could in both topics (without talking all day), particularly the vibrators. Did I capture everything? No. Will there be follow ups? More than likely. When will those drop? God knows.
This one is marked explicit, so keep this one out of earshot of the kiddos - but within earshot of husbands ;)
Episode 11: The Conundrum of Mother's Day
Today's episode is a weird conglomeration of my musings about how to both celebrate Mother's Day and the women who make the sacrifice of raising and loving little people AND to hold space for those who long for motherhood or who don't have children we can see. What does it look like to hold the both/and here? Spoiler alert, I don't really provide an answer. I'm opening the topic, and I'm asking for dialogue and honest ideas.
Episode 10: Gentle Parenting
My thoughts and opinions and experience with gentle parenting. I'm not an expert. I'm trying just like you.
As a good millennial parent, obviously I have some Instagram accounts I like on this topic which are:
Episode 9: Contraceptive Mentality, The Real Stuff
In today's episode, I invite you to join a conversation with two of my very good friends, Mary Bruno and Bridget Busacker, about how the fruit of the ideology that "NFP can be used with a contraceptive mentality" is some really bad fruit. While episode 8 contains verbatim quotes of what the Church actually says about NFP and sex, this episode is three friends explaining how this ideology leads down some deeply problematic roads - ultimately because it is rooted in a rejection of Church teaching.
Bios for my guests and where to find them:
Mary Bruno is the co-founder and executive director of the non profit FAbM Base, a Creighton Practitioner, and author of Twelve Stripes Deep: How Infertility & Other Suffering Delivered My Greatest Joys. She has been married to Chris for 10 years and they have one adopted daughter, Bella, and hope to adopt another child soon. Mary plans to publish a journal companion for infertile women in summer of 2023. Find her at www.fabmbase.org and on Instagram @whitelotusblooming and @fabmbase.
Bridget Busacker is the founder of Managing Your Fertility, a one stop shop for Catholic and Catholic-curious women for support and clarity in the practice of fertility awareness. She provides practical resources and courses on her website, as well as through her podcast and social media. She and her husband David reside in Minnesota with their two precious daughters. David is often behind the scenes supporting and joining Bridget's work as her "marketing intern." Find Bridget at www.managingyourfertility.com and on Instagram @managingyourfertility.
Episode 8: Contraceptive Mentality, The Esoteric Stuff
Hold on for some serious Catholic insider baseball in this part one of who knows how many episodes either directly or indirectly on this topic. I am getting into the nitty gritty of church teaching, what it actually says about sex and marriage, where this whole movement against NFP within the church comes from and why I speak out against it - all a result of 5 years of my own questioning and study. I read verbatim from sacred scripture, papal encyclicals, Canon Law, and the Catechism, and pepper in plenty of my own commentary.
Episode 7: Where mothers don't belong
When we talk about the importance of motherhood, one of the questions that also pops up is this: how do we ensure that our children continue in the faith as they grow older? The answer might surprise you. As a part two to Episode 3: Where do mothers belong?, I'm taking a deeper dive into what our roles are as mothers when teaching our children about the character of God.
Episode 6: Hero Dads and Skinny Jeans
Episode 5: Intimacy, Libidos and Sleepy Sex, Oh MY!
A deep dive into the nuance of whether wives should have sex with their husbands when they're tired.
Also, couple of errors to correct:
The text book definition of libido is "the energy of the sexual drive as a component of the life instinct."
And I have 3 children, not 4 as I said at one point.
If this conversation brings up a lot of things for you and you want to work through it, I cannot recommend the program My Delight enough. This 90-day course is developed by Dr. Sarah Bartel to help women develop a healthy and faithful Catholic mindset about sex. Her course is practical, and she offers weekly coaching calls and individualized expertise. The course is opening the week of February 12, 2023. Use my affiliate link to sign up today! https://emilyfrase.krtra.com/t/L7paBH6OhC9c
Episode 4: Sex Talks: Parenting Edition
Do you cringe at the thought of talking to your little ones about the Birds and the Bees? Or maybe you are kicking yourself for introducing it “too soon” because your kid won’t stop yelling, “PENIS!” in public. What if I told you teaching your children about sex begins with *your* mindset and is a conversation you have more often with actions than words?
IG accounts to follow for tips on having conversations with kids:
@dr.siggie (focuses on all types of conversations, not just sex/bodies)
I asked my Instagram audience for recommendations for resources for books. Here's the most popular ones:
TOB based Books by Monica Ashour: Everybody has a Body*, Every Body is Smart*, and Every Body is a Gift*
Ruah Woods Homeschool Curriculum
*Links are affiliate links
Episode 3: Where do mothers belong?
You know what really grinds my gears? The debate about whether moms should work or stay home.
In today's episode, I’m "going there" HARD CORE to explain why I believe the most important question is not where women belong, but rather where God is calling them. I explore why basing morality on where a mother is located - whether in an office or at home - removes the beautiful possibilities a woman discovers when she has the humility and flexibility to truly discern God’s will. I even explain why I believe reducing the only morally acceptable place for a mother to the home is a strong argument for transgenderism (yea... JUICY subject matter).
Emily mentioned:
Episode 2: What it means to "get curious"
If you've ever been in Emily's Q&A boxes in Instagram stories, you've probably seen her respond to some questions with "get curious." And the frequency with which she uses that response possibly annoys the crap out of you.
In today's episode, Emily is doing a deep dive on precisely what she means by "get curious," how she developed the skill in therapy and the effects in her own life, and how a disposition of curiosity can benefit all your relationships, most especially the one with yourself.
She also addresses why this level of introspection is not mere self-indulgence, but that going into our own emotional world is a means by which we are better able to love.
Emily mentioned:
Her interview on Katie McGrady's podcast Like a Mother
The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk
Helpful resources for gentle parenting on Instagram:
Episode 1: Babies being babies in mass; Boudoir shoots; Can I say "sex" in front of my kids?
In the inaugural episode, Emily shares a little story about some of her kids' outbursts in mass, some important considerations if you've ever thought about doing a boudoir photo shoot, and why it's so important for *you* to be the first person that tells your kids about sex.
Babies in mass 2:25
Boudoir shoot 5:45
Talking about sex to kids 15:25