The Non-Anxious Leader Podcast
By Jack Shitama
The Non-Anxious Leader PodcastApr 22, 2024
Episode 276: 10 Steps to Effectively Deal with Resistance (Part 1 of 2)
Leading change inevitably involves dealing with resistance. Non-anxious leaders create healthy emotional space for difficult conversations. Here's how.
Show Notes:
Calling People Forward Instead of Out: Ten Essential Steps by Justin Michael Williams and Shelly Tygielski
Find out more about the FREE Jenny Brown Book Study.
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Episode 275: A Family Systems Take on Daniel Goleman's 6 Leadership Styles
Daniel Goleman is known for his Emotional Intelligence work. He described six leadership styles and when to use them. This episode interprets them from a family systems perspective.
Show Notes:
Leadership That Gets Results by Daniel Goleman
6 Common Leadership Styles — and How to Decide Which to Use When by Rebecca Knight
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Episode 274: 4 Things You Can Do to Be a Non-Anxious Presence this Election Year
The polarized presidential election is a major source of anxiety this year. Here's how you can buck the trend.
Show Notes:
How to survive another Trump-Biden election by Amanda Ripley
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Episode 273: 5 Reasons You Have Trouble Setting Boundaries
Non-anxious leaders know how to take a healthy stand with those who make them anxious. Understanding non-violent communication can help.
Show Notes:
Cup of Empathy - Marianne van Dijk
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Episode 272: 6 Things You Need to Do to Be a Non-Anxious Leader (Rebroadcast)
Emotional intelligence and self-differentiation go hand-in-hand. Here are six ways EQ can help you be a non-anxious leader.
Show Notes:
6 Super Effective Ways to Show Your Emotional Intelligence at Work by Marcel Schwantes
Episode 122: How Emotional Intelligence Helps You to Be a Non-Anxious Presence (Part 1 of 2)
Episode 123: How Emotional Intelligence Helps You to Be a Non-Anxious Presence (Part 2 of 2)
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Episode 271: 6 Ways to Avoid Choking in Anxious Situations
Learning to self-differentiate in anxious situations doesn't come naturally. Understanding the science of performing under pressure can help.
Show Notes:
Thinking About the Consequences in the Moment of Decision from Admired Leadership Field Notes
The science of performing under pressure with Sian Beilock from the Re-Thinking Podcast with Adam Grant
The Science of Choking Under Pressure by Alyson Meister and Maude Lavanchy
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Episode 270: The Problem with Diagnosis (and How to Avoid It)
When we diagnose others, we avoid taking responsibility for self. Here's what that looks like and how we can do things better.
Show Notes:
Here's What Happens When We Stop Diagnosing Each Other by Kathleen Smith
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Episode 269: 5 Ways to Stop People Pleasing
Many leaders who want to make an impact are people pleasers. Yet, this leads to over commitment and overwhelm. Here's how to stop.
Show Notes:
Cup of Empathy - Marianne van Dijk
Podcast Episode 230: How to Say "No" as a Non-Anxious Presence
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Episode 268: How Self-Differentiation Breeds Self-Confidence (rebroadcast)
Non-anxious leaders have a confidence that is based in knowing their goals and values, as well as embracing humility, curiousity and courage. This is both attractive and influential. Here’s how it works.
Show Notes:
5 habits of confident people by Stephanie Vozza
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Episode 267: Non-Anxious Leaders Don't Complain (and 5 ways to stop)
Complaining is not helpful to you or those you lead. Here's how to stop.
Show Notes:
The Happy Way to Drop Your Grievances by Arthur C. Brooks
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Episode 266: 4 Ways to Be a Better Parent (and Leader)
This episode explores why parents are so annoying to their children from a family systems standpoint. Understanding how to do things differently will make you a better parent and leader.
Show Notes:
What makes parents so annoying, even to their middle-aged children? by Carolyn Hax
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Episode 265: A Family Systems Take on The Five Dysfunctions of a Team
Patrick Lencioni's book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, helps you understand what makes for ineffective and effective teams. This episode tells you what you can do about it.
Show Notes:
The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni
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Episode 264: 3 Ways Avoidance Increases Anxiety and 3 Things You Can Do About It
We use psychological avoidance to manage anxiety, yet it actually makes things worse. Here's how to recognize it and address it.
Show Notes:
Avoidance, not anxiety, may be sabotaging your life by Luana Marques
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Episode 263: The Spotlight Affect and Taking Responsibility for Self
Taking responsibility for self means not making assumptions about others are thinking. Here's what that looks like and how to do things differently.
Show Notes:
How Anxiety Distorts Your To-Do List by Kathleen Smith
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Episode 262: How Can Someone Who Is Trying to Help Be So Annoying?
Self-differentiation is complicated. My own experience with my mother illustrates this.
Show Notes:
Hiroshima survivor tells her story as G7 world leaders meet in the Japanese city - CBS News
Episode 261: What Exactly IS a Failure of Nerve - Part 2 of 2
Knowing the characteristics of a chronically anxious system, as well as the principles of leadership through self-differentiation makes all the difference.
Show Notes:
A Failure of Nerve, Revised Edition: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix by Edwin Friedman
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Episode 260: What Exactly IS a Failure of Nerve - Part 1 of 2
Edwin Friedman's last book, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, challenges us to lead differently. Here's how.
Show Notes:
A Failure of Nerve, Revised Edition: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix by Edwin Friedman
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Episode 259: 5 Tips to Start Your New Year Well
I'm not a fan of New Year's resolutions. I AM a fan of getting better each year. Here's why and what has helped me.
Show Notes:
Get a FREE copy of One New Habit, One Big Goal: Change Your Life in 10 Weeks.
Get information and register for the FREE Friedman's Failure of Nerve Book Study.
Read the Full Transcript on The Non-Anxious Leader website.
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Episode 258: Overfunctioning, Underfunctioning and Healthy Emotional Space
Overfunctioning and Underfunctioning go hand in hand. Here's what that looks like, as well as how you can find the sweet spot that creates healthy emotional space.
Show Notes:
Find out about Friedman's Failure of Nerve, a free course for non-anxious leaders.
There will be no episode on Christmas Day. The next episode will drop on January 1, 2024.
Read the Full Transcript on The Non-Anxious Leader website.
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Episode 257: 5 Ways Non-Anxious Leaders Facilitate Healthy Organizational Culture
Leadership and social norms are the two most important factors in organizational culture. Here's what you can do to improve yours.
Show Notes:
How to Fix a Toxic Culture (mit.edu)
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Episode 256: Good Guilt, Bad Guilt and Self-Differentiation
Guilt is not necessarily a bad thing. Knowing when it is or isn't can help you better self-differentiate.
Show Notes:
About Guilt - Emotional Intelligence for Life (ei-forlife.com) by Miriam Bross
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Episode 255: The Long-Term Cost of Surrounding Togetherness Pressure (and What You Can Do about It) - (Rebroadcast)
Seventy-six percent of people nearing the end of their lives say their biggest regret was living their lives according to other people and their expectations. This is surrounding togetherness pressure. Here’s what you can do about it.
Show Notes:
My apologies, as there are two spots in the episode where one channel drops out briefly.
The experience of regret: What, when, and why by Thomas Gilovich and Victoria Medvec
Episode 24: The Top Five Regrets of the Dying (and How to Avoid Them)
Anxious Church, Anxious People: How to Lead Change in an Age of Anxiety by Jack Shitama
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Episode 254: How to Stand Up for Yourself during the Holidays (or Anytime) - (Rebroadcast)
Self-differentiation doesn’t happen automatically. It’s even harder during the holidays when surrounding togetherness pressure can be high. This episode covers a four-step process that can help you remain a non-anxious presence when you express what you believe, feel, want and need.
Show Notes:
Read the Full Transcript on The Non-Anxious Leader website.
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Episode 253: Unpacking the Responsibility Triangle
You can't make another person responsible. If you're trying, you're likely doing it wrong. Here's why and how you can do better.
Show Notes:
Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue by Edwin Friedman
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Episode 252: How Understanding Symmetry Helps You Manage System Anxiety
The family systems concept of symmetry can help you observe and even predict patterns of functioning in a relationship system. It can also point toward where to find answers about system anxiety.
Show Notes:
Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue by Edwin Friedman
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Episode 251: Non-Anxious Leaders Encourage Healthy Disagreement
Relationship systems get stuck when surrounding togetherness pressure makes it difficult for people to disagree. Here's what that looks like and how non-anxious leaders can create a culture of healthy disagreement.
Show Notes:
Emotionally Intelligent People Use a Brilliant 2-Word Phrase to Speak Up and Get Results by Justin Bariso
Solomon Asch Conformity Line Experiment Study by Saul Mcleod, PhD
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Episode 250: 3 Simple Steps to Repair a Reactive (or Adaptive) Response
What do you do when you respond to another in ways that are hurtful? This episode shows that you can not only repair the relationship, you can make it better.
Show Notes:
Becky Kennedy: The single most important parenting strategy | TED Talk
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Episode 249: Non-Anxious Leaders Manage Their Own Anxiety without Involving Others
Self-differentiation means that you are able to manage your own anxiety without involving others. This episode unpacks what this does (and doesn't) look like.
Show Notes:
Being the Captain of Your Own Ship by Kathleen Smith
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Episode 248: How to Use Surrounding Togetherness Pressure in Healthy Ways (Rebroadcast)
Nobody lives in a vacuum. Surrounding togetherness pressure influences people in both negative and positive ways. Here’s how you, as a leader, can use it to make things better.
Show Notes:
The Lazy Way To An Awesome Life by Eric Barker
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Episode 247: Five Science Insights that Show Why Leadership through Self-Differentiation Works (Rebroadcast)
Leadership through self-differentiation is counterintuitive. Here are five evidence-based reasons why it’s effective.
Show Notes:
5 insights from behavioral science that can make you better at influencing others from Fast Company
Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
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Episode 246: Non-Anxious Leaders Understand They Are Not in Control
A paradox in leadership is that we think we can control more than we actually can. This leads to micromanaging, which is more damaging than helpful. This episode shows how leadership through self-differentiation is different and more effective.
Show Notes:
How to Solve the Leadership Paradox | Inc.com by David Finkel
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Episode 245: 5 Ways to Assess the Health of Any Relationship System - Part 2 of 2
The functioning of any relationship system is dependent on the level of self-differentiation among its members. In this two-part episode, I unpack a schema developed by Daniel V. Papero of the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family.
Show Notes:
Developing a systems model for family assessment. Family Systems: A Journal of Natural Systems Thinking in Psychiatry and the Sciences. 13, 2, 2018 by Daniel V. Papero.
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Check out the FREE Family Systems 101 Course.
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Episode 244: 5 Ways to Assess the Health of Any Relationship System - Part 1 of 2
The functioning of any relationship system is dependent on the level of self-differentiation among its members. In this two-part episode, I unpack a schema developed by Daniel V. Papero of the Bowen Center for the Study of the Family.
Show Notes:
Developing a systems model for family assessment. Family Systems: A Journal of Natural Systems Thinking in Psychiatry and the Sciences. 13, 2, 2018 by Daniel V. Papero.
Read the Full Transcript on The Non-Anxious Leader website.
Check out the FREE Family Systems 101 Course.
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Episode 243: 5 Phrases that Hold You Back as a Non-Anxious Leader (and How to Change Them)
Your self-talk is important. It can either hold you back or move you forward. Self-differentiation can increase when you change these five phrases.
Show Notes:
A Neuroscientist Explains Why These 5 Phrases Are Holding You Back and What to Say Instead | Inc.com by Minda Zetlin
Check out the FREE Family Systems 101 Course.
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Episode 242: Self-Differentiation Is NOT Independence
Whether it's raising kids or leading an organization, a non-anxious leader is interdependent, not independent. This episode covers why that matters and how you can do better.
Show Notes:
Forget independence. Teach your kids this instead. By Jennifer Breheny Wallace
Check out the FREE Family Systems 101 Course.
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Episode 241: The Give and Take of Self-Differentiation
There is a sweet spot in self-differentiation between defining self and staying emotionally connected. When we go astray, we end up trying to change others or letting others change us. This episode shows you how you can do better.
Show Notes:
The Space Between Changing Each Other by Kathleen Smith
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Episode 240: Non-Anxious Leaders Encourage Challenge Not Comfort
Our movement toward "therapeutic culture" has made people less resilient. This episode explains how that happened and what you can do about it as a leader.
Show Notes:
Hey, America, Grow Up! by David Brooks Read the Full Transcript on The Non-Anxious Leader website.
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Episode 239: 5 Ways that Mindfulness Helps You to Be a Non-Anxious Presence
Self-differentiation requires the ability to self-regulate, then act in accordance with your goals and values. Here's how mindfulness can help you do this.
Show Notes:
5 Rituals To Keep You Happy All The Time by Eric Barker
Why I Invited Myself to a Wedding by Jack Shitama
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Episode 238: Five Steps to Deeper Emotional Connection (Rebroadcast)
Self-differentiation is more than just being a non-anxious presence in anxious situations. It’s about building deeper, healthier relationships. This episode shows you how.
Show Notes:
The conversational habits that build better connections by David Robson
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Episode 237: A Family Systems Take on Procrastination
Many, if not most of us, procrastinate. However, for some this can really be disruptive. Psychologists suggest that childhood trauma can be at the root of procrastination. This episode unpacks that concept from a family systems perspective.
Show Notes:
How Procrastination Can Reflect Childhood Experience by Peg Streep
Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue
by Edwin Friedman*
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*This is an affiliate link. I earn a small commission if a purchase is made.
Episode 236: What Is a Boundary and Why Does It Matter?
Non-anxious leaders know the importance of boundaries and how to set them. This episode can help you do this better.
Show Notes:
Your boundaries set you free by Brian Stout
Episode 230: How to Say “No” as a Non-Anxious Presence
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Episode 235: 3 Steps to Taking Responsibility for Self When Others Refuse to Do the Same
Self-differentiating, taking responsibility for self, can be hard when others respond by defining and blaming you. This is sabotage. Here are three steps to respond effectively.
Show Notes:
Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue
by Edwin Friedman*
A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix by Edwin Friedman*
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Read the Full Transcript on The Non-Anxious Leader website. *These are affiliate links. I earn a small commission if a purchase is made.
Episode 234: Non-Anxious Leaders Embrace Discomfort
According to Edwin Friedman, one of the characteristics of a chronically anxious society is the desire to seek safety instead of adventure. Non-anxious leaders seek adventure and learn to love it. Here's how.
Show Notes:
The Light We Carry: Overcoming in Uncertain Times by Michelle Obama
A Failure of Nerve, Revised Edition: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix by Edwin Friedman
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Episode 233: Self-Differentiation Is Defining Self, Not Others
We often focus on what others should be doing as a way to manage our own anxiety and avoid taking responsibility for self. Here's what defining others looks like and how we can do better.
Show Notes:
How We End Up Fixating On Others' Immaturity by Kathleen Smith
Episode 211: Level 5 Leaders and Self-Differentiation
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Episode 232: Self-Differentiation Builds Self-Trust and Confidence
How often does surrounding togetherness pressure cause you to second guess yourself? Self-differentiation increases confidence because you trust yourself more. Here's how it works.
Show Notes:
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Episode 231: A COVID Family Reunion Redux - A Case Study
We were planning to host our family over Memorial Day Weekend for my Mom's 100th Birthday when my wife and I tested postive for COVID. Here's how we handled it.
Show Notes:
Episode 183: A COVID Family Reunion – A Case Study
Picture from our 2023 Family Reunion
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Episode 230: How to Say "No" as a Non-Anxious Presence
If you want to make an impact, you have do things that are important, but not urgent. This means being able to say "No" to many things. Here's how to do it.
Show Notes:
Cup of Empathy by Marianne van Dijk
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Episode 229: How to Create and Maintain Healthy Emotional Space
Non-anxious leaders know how to create and maintain healthy emotional space in their relationships. This episode explains what that is, why it's important and how to do it.
Show Notes:
The Cycle of Overfunctioning and Distancing by Kathleen Smith
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Episode 228: 4 Steps to Creating a Non-Anxious Culture
An emotionally mature culture is a non-anxious culture. Systems that function this way are more resilient and adaptive in the face of inevitable challenges. Here's how you can foster this kind of culture.
Show Notes:
The Emotionally Mature Organization from The Bowen Center's "Family Matters" series.
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Episode 227: A Family Systems Model of Burnout – Part 2 of 2 (Rebroadcast)
Edwin Friedman described five characteristics of systems that promote burnout among their leaders. Understanding this can help you avoid the same fate. Part 1 goes through the characteristics. Part 2 helps leaders respond appropriately.
Show Notes:
Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue
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