E-ville

The COVID actually did take Ryan out of E-ville forever, and a very enlarged heart—weighing in at 500 grams. The average man’s heart should be no larger than 300 grams. So actually, steroids took our only brother at 48 years young. Tiffany and Kim, his older and younger sisters, talk it out—a year later! We needed a year to grieve, and we’ve obviously done that now. One final closure episode to go, and Beaten will be a book about Ryan’s life and death. This podcast is that book outline—The second memoir of a trilogy set: Starved, Beaten and Frozen. Blessings upon us all, each and everyone—except Pito! #PitoDidIt #DeathIsWrong

Dad or Pito as we not so lovingly refer to him, sent his daughters a txt Tuesday to say our brother, Ryan, was COVID positive. By Friday morning he was found dead in his bed, naked and arms outstretched like Christ on the cross by Pito. With in a couple hours, I had jumped in my car with a bag and headed the seven hours north, from Chattanooga to E-ville. I had an ominous feeling deep down in my gut of the drama that was coming my family’s way. I never got off the phone for seven straight hours. Calls from friends and family continual, as the news spread like a West Texas wildfire of my brothers early and unbelievable passing. I however, knew he was going to die. I had known at some level since his 48th Birthday, on April 24th. In actuality I had known since he was thirty, that death was coming for him. 4 months and 4 days earlier in a Lakota Sioux sweat lodge ceremony in Taos, NM, I had given my brother up as a sacrifice for 9 generations of “white privilege”. He and my resentment were laid on the alter, and I ask for peace and suffering to end on that mystical day. My older sister Tiffany and I had also had another odd and rare conversation with our Dad over the phone, before embarking on our Native American Ritual experience. It is a ceremony of death and rebirth. All I know is we were honored and humbled to participate. But, wow did we ever get our money’s worth from that Andrea Price Yoga retreat? An ultimate story of forgiveness and sisterhood. #APY #THL

Who gets two obituaries? Ryan “The Hybrid” Henderson does—That’s what happens when you have five sisters left to grieve their only brother’s passing. Two sisters and three half sisters, and only Tiff and I actually have a relationship. The trail of grieving lovers and ex-lovers added a whole other level of crazy female drama and toxic chaos. This episode includes my first guest caller, big sister Tiffany who lives in TX. She was a co-writer of obituary number one along with Ben her husband who is an attorney; and we are all equally hurt and insulted by obituary number two replacing our unique, loving and real creation of Ryan’s death announcements. The musical selections for the actual service were chosen from a playlist compiled over the week after his death as we cleaned Ryan’s Covid death hole, extremely unconventional playlist for a funeral—just like The Eboss. Duces to the Bros and Hoes. #whatactuallykilledRyan?#thanksforthecontent

A long and insightful conversation with our Cousin Jake Justice who still lives in our hometown of Lubbock, TX. The home of Buddy Holley, Texas Tech and The Texas T’s. Cousin Jake was a substitute little brother for Ryan. Ryan loved Jake, and Jake idolized Ryan for his entire life. Ryan taught Jake a lot—both good and bad. Jake is equally as brilliant as Ryan, just not as “gangsta’”. I’m so thankful he was willing to share so vulnerably, and is so articulate. He feels strongly about Covid and Ryan. I just adore “Little Jake”, who is not so little anymore and now my “substitute brother”. Death either brings us together or tears us apart. I’m circling my wagons. Let us all mourn in our own ways, and in our own safe circles. But, I’m gonna do it out loud(and record all of it for your listening pleasure). #publishingflex #lunchbreakcall #damnitfeelsgoodtobeagangsta

Love like Bridget, Ryan’s year long casual lover and trusted friend. Everyone should be loved like she loved my brother—expecting nothing in return and selflessly showing up in life and death. This was the sweetest and most healing conversation for me. She knows so much that we could have talked for another hour or ten. She “should” have been “The Love of His Life”. She’s a part of the “Hoe Crew Chat” we are conducting on Facebook Messenger that has been solving this mystery as we wait on the toxicology report; and giving each other support with the grieving. The disbelief is starting to wear off of us all, and the sadness is setting in. Ryan has left a hole in all our heart, and we will fill it with one another. #BLove

I don’t usually make it a habit of talking to the police, other than a polite thank you when encountering them out in the local community. The same respect to veterans, greatest respect and appreciation should be observed. I’m thankful for their selfless service to justice and protection. I was raised with an utter distrust of the cops. My stepfather called them “Agents of Satan” and taught us that the are evil. Also another side note, if you are going to record/video a telephone conversations or any conversations with a police officer, tell them up front. I didn’t follow procedure here, so—glad I sort of knew the law in this situation. I learned so much talking to this kind E-ville Detective that has been dealing with all the cray, cray Henderson drama. He was patient, kind and empathetic—all I did was cut him off, and unlawfully record the call. It’s insanely healing and totally freeing to finally get to “snitch” on the bad guys (and have a recording and record)! Otherwise, no one would believe it! I only pray I planted some seeds of factual and fact checkable truths. I’m now sure Melissa and Allison didn’t attend the funeral, because Mal as usual twisted assaulting us in Houston, not only to her husband Sean—but, also lied to the E-ville cops with Allison and Dad’s help. Kathy and Dad calling the cops on us didn’t end up looking so good for them, and definitely started this “war”. It was just a feud between Ryan and I—but, now the cops have been summoned. We should have never listened to Amanda and Chris in Houston, and called the cops on Melissa for assault then, gotten an order of protection like we had on her father. Sins of the father y’all—sins of the father. Melissa is so much like her dad—the hatefulness, the insanity and the paranoia is astounding. I won’t stuff or coverup for the Claridge-cray any longer. Melissa and Amanda do not want this story to be told because their biological father is a monster and where this all begins. I can’t believe Ryan never killed him—but, I know he considered it multiple times.

Ryan’s only employee, he called MGK for Machine Gun Kelly—the guy looks like him. His name is Dalton, and he is a mid-20s kid from South Carolina that transplanted to E-ville. He found himself under Ryan’s wing, and Ryan obviously trusted him with the store—which meant he trusted him with much more; from his private life, his “business”dealings, family history and future plans. This conversation only confirmed what others had said but, didn’t want to “talk”/“talk” about. The screen shot proof of stalking and physical abuse of Ryan at the hand of Kathy was passed on by a few people. Dad even said she hit him on many occasions and tore up the store once; but now he makes her the administrator. None of it makes sense, especially Pito’s actions regarding the memorial or the estate. Dad had never made good choices, Pito follows his Dick and money. And it always gets him into binds. He creates these situations, and Tiff and I are done. Duces.

From what I remember—about 15 years ago, Pito stole 250K from Ryan. When Ryan realize the extent of Dad’s trespassing, he wanted to kill him and understandably so. However, there was to be no legal recourse, since it was dirty money. So Ryan as always, ceased the opportunity to not let my Dad retire, but take over the books of his business that was started by my German immigrant grandmother. With the help of Kathy, Ryan could accomplish his money washing mission by 50. I believe that was his plan, per our first and last conversation in over a decade in October of 2020. I wish I had known he’d be dead by August, or I would have reached out some more to my estranged brother. Dad showed up in early May after our Taos yoga retreat saying he wanted to move to TX or TN, since Ryan was leaving the E-vile life behind. Neither Tiffany nor I wanted Pito any where with in our city limits. Dad is an embarrassing and inappropriate male chauvinist pig, and that was Ryan’s biggest complaint of Dad. Pito is everything Ryan hates, fat, lazy and undisciplined. Pito has the motive and deep buried resentments, opportunity too to do something sinister while Ryan was weak. BEWARE: Covid is the perfect murder covering or at least complication of identifying actual cause of death. Life in E-ville with “The Hoes and Bros” was not Ryan’s idea of retirement and life after 50. He had served his time in the corn fields of Southern Illinois, putting up with Pito, our Dad. He had been on the grind for thirty years in that field of dreams there in E-ville, just hiding out in the inconspicuous open of Holiday Shores. There was a reason he was there, in this shady place he hated. Nothing good is happening on the outskirts of E-ville. This podcast is my very out loud therapy response to the E-ville actions that took place from August 24th to September 3rd at Ryan’s memorial. Then, last week’s scathing txt from Pito made me start calling lawyers, six total. Calling off the dawg$, was never so sweet!! I’m honestly exhausted and thankful my brother is Resting In Peace, finally. Throwing money (or rocks) at people who already have enough money (or rocks) is just sinful(wasteful), and “E-ville” on my life value ledger. Peace for me (and mine) comes with this choice and God $ee$ everything. Not going to the fight when people are ready to fight is priceless. My whole life I’ve been the David with his rock. Today I don’t have to be David. I don’t have to engage, explain myself or defend myself. I know I can slay a Goliath. But we don’t have to show up to every fight we are invited to. We don’t have to fight. We can be indifferent and suppress the fight/flight response. They are E-ville, and a major drain on valuable time, precious resources and limited energy. Engaging with them legally would only violate and compromise our higher grounds. They will take this as a WIN. The sad part is we all lost. We lost Ryan. Tiffany and I have decided to let E-ville be EVIL. Fuck it. Duces!!!

Melissa or “Mal” as we more accurately call her, is our half sister and daughter of our abuser. She is manipulative enough to get my dad to buy her boobs at 18. Then Mal accuses Pito of sexually harassing her when he asks to see what he paid for—which I am sure Pito did. He’s like that—an old perv. Nevertheless, being the daughter of a Paranoid Schizophrenic Pedophile father, must be scary and conflicting dna lottery to own. Living with that truth and reality must be hell. However, despite all the family dysfunction she has never sought “help” for “her crazy”. She just brings the untreated toxicity to the table and serves it up at all of our family affairs. I’m always made to be her scapegoat. But, in Houston—she got caught on video camera and attacked us all. She just blames and makes herself into the victim. It’s her modus operandi, all helpless and pitiful poor little me. She’s twisted as her Daddy—physical fighting your sisters after 40 is insane, after 20 should get you into a therapist. Once you reach 18, your mental health is on you—if you continuously blame others, you will never find peace or have lasting friendships. She doesn’t—eventually her crazy and controlling was come out and poof, there goes the relationship. I don’t hate her, I actually pity her. I see her trauma come out sideways, and run the other way. I will not engage, I’ve had to practice that with her. To be around her is to walk on eggshells, just waiting for the Robert Claridge to come to the surface. She is “Mal”(which means bad in Spanish). We have the assault on video. To rewatch it is hilarious now, but at the time it was terrifying and brought back a lot of very bad memories of Mal’s father’s violent attacks on Tiffany and I in the months to come. I am so thankful I can fight with critical thinking and words. Today I do not have to resort to physical violence. I am concerned for my mother’s safety. Mal is not a safe person for me to be around and now this testimony to her bad character casts her out forever—I rebuke her from my life forever(unless she gets help); her actions and her E-ville spirits cast into the outermost realms of my existence. Damn it feels good to be a spiritual gangster, with the purest of motives (and blood). Duces.

WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT Guess what, I've got a fever
And the only prescription is more cowbell
Couldn't leave here without this one now could we?
We're not gonna take it
Oh no, we ain't gonna take it
We're not gonna take it anymore
We've got the right to choose it
There ain't no way we'll lose it
This is our life, this is our song
We'll fight the powers that be just
Don't pick our destiny 'cause
You don't know us, you don't belong
We're not gonna take it
Oh no, we ain't gonna take it
We're not gonna take it anymore
Oh, you're so condescending
Your gall is never ending
We don't want nothin', not a thing from you.
Your life is trite and jaded
Boring and confiscated
If that's your best, your best won't do
Sing it
We're right, yeah
We're free, yeah
We'll fight, yeah
You'll see
We're not gonna take it
No, we ain't gonna take it
We're not gonna take it anymore By Dee Snyder “The Wisdom of Trauma” was the name of the post that we could not think of in this Episode. Watch it on YouTube for Free.

St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church in E-ville is where I found Fr. Ben, who connected me to a retired Bishop of Illinois. Then finally, I was directed to an incredible priest with an awesome accent, Fr. Scott—who ended up being the actual celebrant for Ryan’s Gangsta’ of Love Memorial, that he never would have wanted. That was all Dad and Allison, making it about them; and then Allison doesn’t even show. Still baffling, and Tiff, Ben and I made it actually happen anyways as Dad and Allison made drama and criticized us. We were cruelly criticized too, and hated on, but that’s what always happens to good people in bad situations. Dad and Ryan never knew the changed me, The Mudder and Episcopalian. My “former father”, Pito, visited me in April and that was enough to know that “My God” doesn’t want me to have a father like that in this life anymore—no need ti honor him any longer. I’ve always honored both my parents as biblical duty—but, no more. I forgive, but I don’t need a relationship with toxic and abusive human, blood or not. I’ve had enough therapy to know better and expect better now. I have peace that surpasses all understanding in that today, Sept 4th, 2021. I wish Ryan had worshipped God instead of money. He’d had a much richer life, less stress, real relationships; and probably not be dead, with vultures flying over the heads of Tiff and I. But, I honestly do not fear—with God’s help and healing self love and solid boundaries I’ve practiced for a very long time now. I am a survivor because of God’s help that I’ve asked for every day for the last 15 years. Peace. Duces. “A-fucking-men.” Amen. And again Amen. (This is MY prayer…)

Erin had been involved with Ryan since they were in High School. They were homecoming dates at Lubbock High School and forever friends ever since. I still remember him leaving the house for that homecoming date with her huge ass mum. Erin and I have been special friends for a very long time, and I respected for so many reasons. She is admirable, strong, educated, independent woman, and exudes class and beauty from the inside out. She truly loved Ryan, and brought the best side of Ryan’s true inner gentleman out. He actually rose to her standard, and they both cherished their relationship since adolescence. She was the actual “Love of Ryan’s Life”. #SantaFeSister

Has one of your parents ever called the cops on you? I had made it 44 years until my own father called the police on my sister, her husband and myself. Absolutely, the most hurtful thing to have happened and be blessed in not knowing such a violent of protection. My Father decided to name my brother’s stalker ex-girlfriend as the Administrator of Ryan’s estate, and she called the cops on us to cover up her initial clean up of the death scene. She most significantly implicated us of burglary with the theft of a firearm. Dad nor Kathy could identify a specific gun so the experience and caring civil servant chalked it up as a civil matter and did his follow up call duties. If only I had the audio. Insane to have to answer to such unwarranted charges in a time of grief. The officer knew she didn’t have such legal authority over such matters and made my actual father file the report. Tiffany and I aren’t even the kinda people who own guns. We did find a lot of guns and ammunition and it was all taken to Ryan’s room and Dad was to taken an inventory. Because he said he was the actual owner of most of them. We took his word for it. We didn’t want Ryan’s gangsta’ guns. #PureEville

On April 24th, 2021 Big Sister Tiffany and I were on a sister trip to Taos for a yoga retreat at The Blue Sky Retreat. I’m not one to believe in Native American Mysticism, but damn it’s real and powerful—and actually terrifyingAF. We were there to do yoga which is awesome. I’ve been a yogi since being, being home birthed in LA County in 1976. I’m a real live valley girl. Nevertheless, we jumped at this experience to sit in on a Lakota Sioux Sweat Lodge Ceremony. It’s a life and death cycle that took place over a three hour period of intense heat. Profound and holy, and hot as I imagine hell to be.

Started September 11th and published on September 27th, a month after Ryan’s mysterious and unbelievable passing on August 27th. This will be a processing podcast, and therapeutic creation to deal with the drama and chaos of five sisters reeling from the grief of losing our only brother—with an emotionally toxic and unavailable father. And a mother who is in the custody of a sister the other sisters don’t speak to—since assaulted two of the sisters at a family baby shower in October of 2020. There is also at least five nameable grieving women who were emotionally or physically involved with him on a daily basis. And one of those woman is claiming to be 11 days pregnant after he had been dead for 6 days. Her proof was Google images sent out to the sisters via hurtful, hateful and manipulative texts. The bad part is my Dad doesn’t now better in his grief. He wants this “fake Allison baby” to be Ryan resurrected—which knowing The Eboss could pull off such a final act. The whole situation is insane and I trust no one. Death brings out both the worst and the best of what’s really there in each of us—self included.