Live IFS

🔸 Collapse. There’s a lot riding on this.

🔹 Parts:

• Rage: you never want to work w me
• Urgency has to be there because motivation and drive are not.
• Collapse is overwhelm + distraction (the 2)
• Grief from how time was spent in 20s. Lost, unhappy, alone. Wanted somebody to get her. 21 year old by the river. Wants me to write.
• The one who wants to hide from responsibility, career

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Tech problems had me flustered. Justine's intuition is so strong, I'm hesitant to open my mouth.

🔸 My dad was a good gardener…

🔹 Parts:

• P: Shit, might have to go somewhere I've been avoiding 
• P: Until you do this, you’re just pissing around the edges
• P: “He wasn’t doing anything to me”. I was the problem. 
• P: Self-like part thinks I'm under 10. Needs the proof
• E: Shock and hugeness. Frustration. Not being understood, heard, seen.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

I’m doing too much analyzing, making too many comments without purpose or intention.

🔸 A block around remembering my dreams

🔹 Parts:

• 4yo is afraid to go to sleep. And confused about why others brush it off.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

My non-responses weren’t always cuz I thought that would be ideal, just not at full power, long day. I could have called attention to the mom-defender, maybe I just didn't have the language, or thought it might pull us off track.

🔸 “I have to be good at this”
2️⃣ Triangles and check-in tips

🔹 Parts:

• P “The rehearser” narrates everything.
• P Jittery, won’t let me go deep, everything gets suspended. And *you’re not gonna follow through*. Don’t even start.
• P “on the spot” Anxious about it being there.
• P Agenda, figure it out. How will I know?
• P Frustrated about “don’t even start”
• P “I have to be good at this” protecting:
• E voiceless, powerless.
• P “Adult self”, invalidating, shutting down other parts.

2️⃣

• P The mask. Having to get it right. Thinks im 7 (maybe). Needs me to get more sleep.
• E humiliation

🔸 The cost of youthfulness; making sense of “You’re ugly”
2️⃣ The precious house, where the little girl was almost strangled to death.

🔹 Parts:

• P Everything is my fault, im a monster, im selfish.
• P Afraid of change, the new relationship, having someone say he loves me
• P ”I'm able to make somebody feel good??” Afraid I will soar too high
• P/E? I’ll go under if someone leaves (and if i'm not ugly).
• E knotted up, fear stricken, awaiting ultimate punishment. Nothing stays, nothing to hold on to, everything leaves. Maybe 5-8

2️⃣

• Ice cold exclusion, utter despair and pain
• Panic: “if he sees behind the mask, sees how ugly I am, then he will leave me too”
• E: 6, 7, 8 - grandma disappearing is all my fault. Taking on gaurdian's shame. Have to put on a mask to show the world What a good granddaughter I am, Grandad and mom never talked to me about it. Nasty kettle. Bottomless guilt. Mom will do anything to tame that strong will. Wants a desert, place without walls, nothing hard, without judgement, can sink into sand.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Don’t know. Maybe not much. Felt bad ending the call where we did but it didn’t seem too disruptive. Not sure how to handle when a part says “don’t leave” and I'm like “ok time to go”. I’ll try to get Mio in again soon, but I'm also curious how she handles it on her own.

2️⃣

Kept my foot on the gas the whole time; not stopping to check with every protector. Felt right.

🔸 Getting to matter

🔹 Parts:

• P: Realist, tired of the rollercoaster
• P: Enthusiasm & Inspiration
• P: We've done this before
• E: Dismissible. Gymnast. Just wanted her mom to care. Not allowed to have reaction to being told no.

🔸 1️⃣ Beyond committed. The art and science of figuring out your entire self

2️⃣ Deep down bad parts. It’s crazy the way kids are treated.
📌 1️⃣ Olivia Followed up: i will say-- i actually wish i talked more about this on the pod but the mdma aftermath isn't always a treat, there are actually some big feelings of turmoil afterwards, you kind of feel like your life is a mess for a couple weeks because stuff is hitting you. i felt that way and my friend also felt that way... but the ensuing clarity and breakthroughs are worth it
it's like you're ripped open a bit and then enable to heal
though the healing still requires a good amount of work or at least it did in my case, i found it hard to even do my job for a week, and i was constantly feeling like, how do i figure out this maze of feels?!
james: 
Ive not experienced that negative side, but maybe I had less I was needing (or willing) to heal
Olivia: 
i'm definitely willing to believe it's different for everyone
my friend for instance, i dont think she would even say she did a lot of work to get to her breakthrough
she was just a mess for 2 weeks and then had kind of a sudden realization

🔹 Parts:

• P: holds tension, clenching chest, hanging on to sense of dread. Needs manager not rush on to new shiney
• P: manager “if I don’t watch this how will I learn” a person glued to the screen
• P: tape playing, carrying the memories. I love my memories!
• P: managers are bad! Read the IFS book!

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

1️⃣ Do differently? No; whatever got me here, to this place, with this person, makes me glad I did everything the way did.

Cynical part's answer: quit Live IFS, start Live MDMA.

2️⃣ It’s been 2+ weeks of high stress / high stakes stuff for me. I've been increasingly concerned about the effects on my health, multiple ailments reappearing. Today was *my* do whatever day, finally vacation day. I just lounged around, fed the crows, stretched a lot, ate what & when I wanted, skipped exercise (and that ~hour of call prep I normally do). So this was fitting.

🔸 What are the consequences of being vulnerable? Of trusting men? An experiment.

🔹 Parts:

• Ps: Put it all out there v. hold back
• E: 14 responsible, get a job, romantic partners
• E: love and acceptance from male role models

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Do differently: prepare better for midday calls, I'm often a little slow out of the gate. Grateful for Christine's leadership, which refocused the session multiple times.

🔸 Doing it wrong and the real fear chat with James.

🔹 Parts:

• P: Judgement about watching tv, should be more noble and spiritual. Puts a bow on it, labeling it. Too much content. Stuff going on at 3 is a boring old story. Frustrated others can’t read my mind. Where do i fit in? (Same burden as exiles)
• P: “You’re not real and you don’t belong” (same as above?)
• P: fear of above, of it taking over. Just needs the physical needs met, tuck in at night.
• E: 7 yo protected by p1
• E: 5 yo unseen

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Day 4 of deep relaxation, a personal vacation, have been doing lots of my own parts work. I'd like to do more to maintain continuity; "doing it wrong" gives us these glimpses, and when they're share with me (not Justine-Self), I should take more responsibility for following up.

🔸 Alethea Hanna is a trauma recovery coach with IFS Level II training. She is passionate about the IFS model and looks forward to the day when everyone can regularly experience the relief of looking at and listening to their parts with love. She can be reached at alethea.hanna@gmail.com

🔸 Overwhelmed puzzler, a problem I'm not in the middle of.

🔹 Parts:

• Walking in a pool of grief
• Crying when thinking about being held
• The clouds, don’t know, not sure, can’t place things, feel lost
• Overwhelmed, about parts, work, about life. You don’t understand how complex that is.
• Sad about the overwhelmed
• Puzzler Figure it out
• Pusher

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

I can’t explain every decision made in targeting. We can move quickly, I want to keep looking out for it being too quick.

🔸 A floating freight train

🔹 Parts:

• Bullshit detector
• Freight train of sadness
• Get a compliment then fall apart

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

I coulda been a little quicker on the draw. Kinda feel that way about all my calls. But. I have time. I rarely regret taking it

🔸 Hot date heartache. Making it safe to want.

🔹 Parts:

• P: the deep well. Feeling left out, parts that are hurt. i’m not acceptable, there’s something wrong with me, im ugly, old, unlovable. longing to be loved and recognized but asking for it will bring ridicule
• P: scared, hopeless, it will swallow me up. The want is too big. 
• P: judge. who do you think you are, you want too much. Judging the anger of:
• E: (same as first?) angry 2 year old hitting her sister. felt robbed, little sister sucked up all the oxygen. Needs told she’s adorable and lovable and amazing! Wants to be held and also let go. I have to be angry cuz if not, I will die. Cut the cords to the surveillance apparatus.
• P: angry, being punished by God
• E: 6-7 yo experience the loss. angry. Everything I do is wrong! Am I really this monster? Shunted away

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Faster targeting. I know I sound off, a little short. Not feeling tip-top today. And parts increasingly frustrated w my yielding to story-telling. Maybe we should start charging by the hour. Joke. But I imagine the constraint of a 1-hour time limit used by most professionals has its upsides. “Yes you could tell me a story… and now we have 48 minutes to do the work…” I'm not complaining from a “waste my time” part, that’s not it. More like “I could serve better if I had some policy here”.

🔸 Family loss. She needed there to be more of a network

🔹 Parts:

• P: minimizer. This is fine now, nothing to see here. Family image protector. Never look back. Doesn’t want a bunch of whining, it’s weak to be bothered by things that aren’t horrible. “Self like” is not gonna get the job done
• E: kid from whom something was taken. There weren’t other adults. I want my auntie. Too much focus on her. Nobody explained.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Once I was certain about Theresa’s connection w exile, I relaxed and let some other of my parts (who love talking shop w T) step in. Maybe not ideal. But definitely better than starting a session that way.

As for the concept of "inviting the Self of someone else’s parts", it's never felt right to me. If someone was not good to me, who am I serving by imagining they were? Self can do anything for its parts; “I am here, I can go to where you are, and here’s how I would help” builds trust and heals, in the present. Or Self can "see that these were parts of [other person], and have compassion for their system”, in the present. But I think "imagine he was good to you" risks invalidating a part's experience.

Responding to “she needed those relationships not to end” I could have reiterated, "what did she need from someone (you), given those relationships were ending."

🔸 Overwhelming beauty: Charlotte's wins and/or "too high on life"

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Climate control new IFS room. Oh, it was Frank Anderson saying "source", not Jay Early.

🔸 The one who won't use her voice

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Something. Not sure.

🔸 MDMA. Hide the body parts!
*Note: Olivia is not a pot head

🔹 Parts:

• P: The ones who block the body part fear. Manager can’t step back cuz no analysis and method. Afraid of fear of Gatekeeper.
• P: ”body” part, best thing ever, gives joy meaning. Expansive access. Leads to:
• E: Grief of losing ex if I find out, Im irredeemable, everything is ruined.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

I had my own sense of "futility", not in a bad way. It was when we realized gatekeepers just want Self's presence, so why am I talking? It can feel kinda haha self-defeating.

🔸 People don’t take you seriously when you’re excited

🔹 Parts:

• P: School teacher: You shouldn’t be this excited. You make a fool of yourself, you overwhelm people with the way you are.. don’t be embarrassing. calm equals effective. Rather be helping w understanding. Thinks im 7.
• P: Excited. Why are you raining on our parade?
• P: Efficient
• E: 15yo got really excited, jumped up on desk. Get in trouble. Get banished. Disconnection
• E: 7, maybe, finally spoke up and regretted it

🔸 Unboxing "Spoiling Christmas"

🔹 Parts:

• P (target) has to do it all or else nothing will get done. On its own
• P trying to create the magic of Christmas
• P this commercial stuff bullshit
• P worth from things , the currency of love
• P you have to be the best, you’re not doing it right.
• P the elves. Exiles too dangerous!:
• PE: told ruined Xmas , shroud over!
• E black sheep. Age 5. I'm on my own and no one is coming. There’s no one who knows me the way I need to be known. Not fair that I was the difficult one. There's nobody. Angry

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

If it wasn’t audio-only, I can imagine saying even less. Justine asks for my guidance when she needs it, and doesn’t when she doesn’t.

🔸 Pushing

🔸 Another lovely day at the park. The unfinished bits, untangling, rewinding.
📌 Genie followed up:

i had made a conscious decision before that session, to fully 'go there' - wherever 'there' was - and not to 'try' doing anything - no figuring, no thinking, no looking for answers, no wondering how i was coming across, whether it was 'real' or not, no trying to be...anything/something or other. kind of like a trust falling exercise. just let go and do it. the reason being, i wanted to know once and for all if i could trust this IFS thing. and best way to find out was to see how it felt when i was at my most vulnerable. i think the whole - 'you don't have much time left, make a choice' vs 'evaluate, consider, reflect before jumping in' parts were actually about that. about making a choice about ifs. and it was kinda mind blowing. i let go, i fell - and it was all good. better than good! it wasn't just about trusting ifs - it was about trusting me, trusting you and me, trusting not just that i would be safe - but that there would actually be positive benefits - like i would be.... hmm, different? changed? more? ... can't quite find the word - but better in some way that was more than just not being hurt or feeling unsafe. i'm still really grateful and appreciative of all the skeptical, risk management, requiring proof/data, be careful parts - cos they helped me figure out how to conduct this experiment. and they have sure kept me safe in the past! they still can't fully explain the outcome of the experiment - but they accept the results. which were basically a big fat - go for it! lol. so just wanted to explain that and let you know how grateful i am to you! i mean - i didn't even tell you that you were part of an experiment - (which now feels a little unethical! sorry!) and the end result was - that despite those doubtful parts not being able to explain how this whole thing works - they can see that it does.

🔹 Parts:

• make choices now. No time to waste. Agitates, gives energy. Choices are not always life and death. Just pick one. It’s irresponsible to waste your time and talent. You might as well be dead
• regret, more like reflecting summarizing. We can’t make a choice without evaluating. Protects a:
• cute little child/multiple ages who is lost. They like butterflies
• sadness overwhelms. Doesn’t know how to not overwhelm. Where does it come from?! “I ain’t nice, you don’t wanna get to know me”… it’s a long story. Needs james to pass the test re calm, no sirens.

🔸 Alethea Hanna is a trauma recovery coach with IFS Level II training. She is passionate about the IFS model and looks forward to the day when everyone can regularly experience the relief of looking at and listening to their parts with love.

She can be reached at alethea.hanna@gmail.com.

🎓 What Alethea would like to do differently:

I should have ended the session sooner. I think both of us were motivated by the desire for Alex to experience a satisfying shift, which made me less attentive to the parts of myself that were starting to feel tired. There is a segment (1:55:52-2:07:54) when we're discussing whether to keep going that I would have edited out (so feel free to fast forward there!) This is where I should have ended the session, assuring Alex that we would meet again. Fortunately she was able to spend time with a key part after that, so all's well that ends well.

🔸 The diplomat & actress.

🔹 Parts:

• Accommodating calm veneer until overload. Rather be pampering me. thinks im 6-7. Is this the same as?:
• Big sister guilt, everything is my fault. If I’m not accommodating, I’m bad.
• The young one, (same as blue overalls?) she is so torn because she’s getting the message that everything is her fault. Made her feel so alone and so unprotected. And so trapped, she can’t do anything over again.. I want to hold your hand (w little sister allies).
• 2.5yo so angry my sister! I wanted one so much
• Grade school sneaky math, grades
• Teen

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Experimenting with hitting the gas, striking while the iron's hot; Mio's a veteran. Maybe with hindsight I would do differently but it all felt right at the time.

🔸 Hold on. What is the point if the problem is big and huge and not in here?

📌 Theresa followed up:
Hi. thanks again for your time and help last night. I was just thinking, when people ask me right before a trip if I am "excited" , I always think, "I'll be excited when the plane takes off, until then, there is SO much to do and things to take care of, it just feels like a marathon of chores.". Anyway, I hope your trip is beautiful. I wanted to ask more about what it was that you were hoping to accomplish there, but I couldn't tell if you really wanted to say more.
Last night I stayed with the little girl part for a few minutes. I am now pretty sure that she is more kindergarten age than 3/4. But she does also have memories of older ages than that, too.
When you left us, we were entering a carnival type place with rides. We got on a ferris wheel at her suggestion. A self like part appeared, I noticed. So I told her that she could ride with us if she wanted to, but that I was taking care of the little girl, she didn't need to do that. Then it was just me and the girl. While the ferris wheel was moving, she wanted to show me all of the feelings that she could feel. She threw a little tantrum, not at me, but just because she was allowed to. She showed sadness, and was also loud, and "bored". I was not allowed to express boredom as a kid, as it seemed to make my mom mad. She would often say with great disdain , almost disgust in her voice "I WISH I had time to be bored!". That was a surprising one.
After that she wanted to go back and tell my mom how she could have done better, so we went there and told my mom that all feelings were valid. This one was a loving redo, in that she was not interested in expressing anger at my mom. She seemed to understand that my mom didn't know how to do it right. So we told her that all feelings were allowed, and that her job was not to edit them, but rather to teach her child how to express them in ways that were healthy. At home among those who love you should be a place where you can do that. Anyway, that is my update.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Dunno. I'm taking a gamble by talking over her, but also if I ignore parts talking over the exile. When Theresa is in Self and oriented, she can move with lightning speed. But we get stuck sometimes disagreeing on direction. She keeps reporting that it's working, so maybe I shouldn't do much differently.

Also do differently: never edit a podcast again. If Ivan is away, we wait!

🔸 A beautiful mess

🔹 Parts:

• The clouds: messy! Self doubt -> check out
• Small shrinking feeling wanting to disappear - shame. (Exile we plan to go to)
• Anxious re going to above
• Tired of anxious- stop being so messy, inefficient in IFS
• Sadness

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Exactly how I felt getting into it: "this is just a room of children, I know how to handle this."

🔸ATJOS: You guys can talk & cry all you want (in these session), I'll be here doing the real things

📌 Charlotte followed up: Superfun session and I love my failure list. Ten solid failures and my Defeated Part is feeling very seen. Thank you.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Day 3 of deep relaxation (trying to see how much it affects an ailment of mine). But I always regret skipping much of my call prep.

🔸 1️⃣  Progress tracking toward knowing the secrets of the universe.
***
2️⃣ A baby! Is this real? Going into the grief.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

2️⃣

It’s times like these when I feel most dumb. But also most redundant, so it kinda works out.

Seems without exception: when mother is rocking baby, I can only get in the way. 

P: "James talking sooo much”… yeah ok, but, was that from an agenda part? I wanted my only agenda to be connection.

P: “But james you weren’t connecting you were talking too much”. Maybe. But I think I know what connecting is. I know agenda part better than I ever have, and I know its exile, and it’s context. Agenda part already said it’s not the connector, it's the figure outer. So how much hugging do we expect from it? 

🔸Everybody leaves when they’re happy

📌 Bee followed up:

I listened to the session you and I did together (#327) and I wept in gratitude for your patience and guidance and I wept for the parts that were met. That’s a different space than I usually go to. I noticed there was no one saying Listen to your voice! What were you thinking? 

Just tears of compassion and so much gratitude.

🔷 Parts:

• P: If I am too happy, I'll leave everyone I love
• P: why would you wanna talk to her? She’s never gonna amount to much, but she’s fine.
• E: “The disabled one”. Everybody leaves when they’re happy. Nobody expects me to change, no opportunity to change. No purpose if nobody’s hurting. Allowed to be useful, not happy.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Something. When Bee is unsure of who’s who, I need a better way to ascertain and help us get clear. But her Self is present, maybe “IFS by any other name is just as sweet”, and there's not much I need to do differently. I was hesitant to offer other steps with part since their connection was so strong.

🔸 The dad shield

🔹 Parts:

• Red: Never good enough. You cant get it right. Cynic. Holds dad shield
• E: Little spider part. 8yo. Wearing all black in black place, wants to let it rip. Forgot the socks (school play).
• P: self like part (the older one who sits on rage in a box)
  

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Let Justine know what an honor it is

🔸 Carl Jung learns IFS

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Trying something new: walking during this call. In the past we haven't gone ultra slow, so I wanted to see if movement would help me keep up. It didn't, I quit after ~20m.

🔸 Appreciating the compliment repeller, Sienna with another high score!
🔹 Parts:

• The shield, the complement repeller, it saves me from disappointment. Don’t let it get to your head. And the higher you go the longer you fall. And you’re not all good anyway. You are undeserving. Because you have.:
• A bad part, told so in school. We can’t go there or else it will be confirmed and then:
• Kill myself
• The warm place, where the compliments go, it’s outside
• An anxiety of being present, without someone else holding that space
• Peacekeeper, difficulty being assertive,
• Feeling cared for is foreign. Normal people have a warm place in their heart where everything‘s good. Undeserving of that care.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Somewhere in the 4th quarter I took my foot off the gas, which might have been the right move considering all the parts we met. But whenever I go off script, it’s a lot easier for my parts to take over, start blabbing, etc. Seems we came in for a soft landing but maybe got lucky.

🔸 “I don’t know what I believe anymore”, radiating oceanic love (for fuck’s sake!), and reactions to calls w Bee.

🔹 Parts:

• Helped off a tight rope.
• You don’t comprehend how big, complicated, dangerous the world is. She wants proof, presence.
• You need to stop doing this IFS nonsense.

🔸 Triggered. "When I was 5 I liked to tie my belt so tight..."

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Obviously my own parts are triggered at start of call (yes, published with approval). We're "just chatting"; I'm not asking those parts of me for space. But plenty of missteps.

I kept trying to call on my curiosity in the beginning but … fitness *does* prevent chaos, create safety. I'm trying to get clear on what parts are involved. And after her story my parts are saying "How awful! Let’s both put down the IFS, stop looking for childhood connections...”

Then I'm yielding to the story teller. I'd like to address it more directly, but fortunately I think it merely slows us down, doesn’t stop us.

When she very first mentioned that 5 year-old, it stuck out to me as a part/memory we had not encountered before. For the next 20-30 minutes she's searching for parts to change her relationship with, and I'm stopping myself from suggesting: how about we go and see about that five-year-old. I'm celebrating my noticing/intuition, but also wishing I spoke for it sooner.

-----

🔸 The answer, what you've been waiting for: What’s in the box??

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Maybe I'm making too many assumptions.

Feeling great. I started a new parts-work protocol about 3 days ago and this was day one of focusing on my “best” box, the biggest one still in shadow. IFS is the best.

Oh and my ego-assasin (whom I met this morning) wants me to include some caveats about how maybe I just got lucky, Clare should get most/all credit, and also we’re all gonna die anyway, and also I’m sure to fail or have a shitty call soon so don’t bet on me.

(Watch out for him! He’s just as ruthless with others' egos too!)

🔸 The show must go on, a kick into chaos, and a James exile.

🔸 Cosmic baby's collision 

📌 Theresa Followed up:

Thanks again for the help James. 🐝 That was a surprising session. I had it in my mind that it was going to be arduous, that I was going to be exhausted after. Not the case. I guess I should know by now not to try to predict. It's coming together, how those three parts are connected. Pops, Defiance, and the cosmic infant. ✨ Protector, fire fighter, and (now) cherished little one who I'm no longer afraid of. 🤓 Thanks for helping me be with them. Especially Pops. THAT was arduous, given all the resistance from the rest of the crew. Feel like he was the key to some locked doors that were now starting to open. 

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Unsure about how to help people + babies. They said there wouldn’t be a manual after all. A vastness of experience for me too. It’s like all the emotions, like this elation and celebration and also hush!

🔸 All around anxious

🔷 Parts:

• I want to disappear
• critic
• anxious about safety or ability to land
• Hinders me from doing new things
• annoyed with anxious
• I’m trying to get some stuff done
• Afraid I wouldn’t make it…
• Tearing up about how much time I spend not feeling safe.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

I had some anxious parts up the whole time. New caller with some quick shifts that I didn't interpreting so well. In hindsight I see it’s her clarity, but in the moment I don’t know that. The first part she brought up was “not wanting to be here” (suicidal sounding) combined w strong anxiety and occasional nonverbals (laughter, tears) has my parts on edge. But feeling more confident now that I see that it’s clarity, intuition, and ADHD. Still I would like to get more confident and stay curious in these situations too.

🔸 "I'm sad about a plant." Witnessing the inherent trauma of existing. The first noble truth.

🔹 Parts:

• There must be another way to resolve this, we can’t figure out a rational answer until the exile is healed
• Weird to tell parents
• Futile parts
• How can I feel like the world is a good place when I rely on their death to live
• Can’t grieve anything cuz I'd have to grieve everything

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Keep going (in myself).

🔸 Meaning without the making. A little closer to home.

🔹 Parts:

• P: Meaning maker. To avoid regret and get belonging.
• P: Afraid of losing control (is making me sick) “see what happens when you don’t think ahead?” Plan better!
• P: Cloud: how could you ever do all that writing?
• E: Wants to belong. Wants spotlight for more than her problems.
• E: a bother to others
• P: if you see her as well, you’ll stop taking care of yourself

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Day 4 of poor sleep.

In our last call I hinted at the idea of going more direct to exiles. It was intentional, but I could have been more upfront in getting permission, etc. Experiment. I wasn’t checking in enough w Self's presence around exile though.

🔸 Wins, apps & systems, and efficient parts work!

📌 Justing followed up:

I listened to Bee #310 this morning. Terrible insomnia so you both kept me company. Such a moving session (#2 particularly), and your clarity of defining the steps at the end was great. I noted them down. Because I always forget what to do when I try and do solo work (what question am I supposed to ask now? What happens next?). So I wrote them down in Notes. And then I turned to my system and put the recorder on. It was good. I *think I got all the way to unburdening a young part by following the steps. I made it methodical and I gave total permission to my system to be experimental and play. No expectation of outcome. No judgement of method.

And this is what I want to do for now. Need to do maybe. I need to claim the process and make it mine, so it isn’t just once a fortnight/month with you. That doesn’t feel like it’s really honouring or even loving my system. I mean it’s great, I love the calls with you, there’s a relief even in handing over the witness / holding space roll, or rather having my witness (Self) be witnessed and held. AND I want to be meeting my system all the time, as a complete and intrinsic part of my every day life. I can’t know my system well if it’s only you taking notes.

Anyhoo, those are my thoughts. And that’s all to say that I’m going to continue with this grand experiment around the parts we spoke about above. I’ll keep you posted (and I’ll keep my calls booked with you too 😊)

• P - 14yo Fearful of overwhelm going deep today, thinking part in a hammock , perfect vantage point
  

• E - Lonely fearful, wants to weep and wail. Filling the oceans of the world w its tears. No one cared, no one listened, and when they were there, they turned away.
  

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

I knew I was letting parts speak when I got into the ChatGPT etc stuff. So nice to trust Justine-Self to guide us back, feels very 1+1=10

🔸 Stop eating, I hate you, Kill yourself, I got you.

🔹 Parts:

• Stop eating! Self hate because ate, failed, regret. You’re a glutton. Large (like mom) is ugly, disgusting, dirty. Thinks im 16-17
• No, you can be large and happy
• Cynical you’re not gonna fix this, so you are wasting your time
• 12-16 she has an eating disorder, I want attention like her

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

I knew Sienna was traveling, not settled, so I opted for a little more explaining, a little less directing. Also followed up w suicide prevention info and reminded her of all the things I'm NOT an expert in (eating disorders, suicide, therapy/counseling, IFS)

🔸 IFS is pointless, Genie's a s@#%, shut it down.

📌 Genie Followed up:
Thanks James. That was pretty important I think. 🥰 🤗 🙏
A lot of gifts in that. Hope I can do them justice.
feel like there are some precious things that I need to care of. Not quite sure how yet, but.....
Oh!! I think that might be a sort of self quality? Maybe? Taking care of precious things?
Oh my.

🔹 Parts:

• P: Have to make Genie feel bad, so she at least knows her effect on people. Makes her withdraw so she doesn’t get rolled over:
• E: Stop existing, doormat
• P: Why is it so fucking scary Leads to:
• P: Shut down and then
• P: Perky part!

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Didn’t have full permission to go to “you’re shit”. And maybe I was having too much fun at times, but “be more serious” didn't feel like the right move…. Coulda been more efficient w "shut down", it was clear about things that I overasked about.

🔸 The Supercontroller: brush your teeth, go to school, no more eating.

🔹 Parts:

• 13.5 yo anorexic
• 7-8 yo helpless in the chaos. If i wasn’t ugly why wasn’t I loved.

🔸 1️⃣ Choppin’ it up with the tired part *** 2️⃣ Where is the love? 🔹 Parts: 1️⃣

• - P: The bug out part: run! (from the ridiculousness)
• - P: Tired. They are to blame - get out! It sweeps, keeps it clean inside. Thinks Clare is 12. (Shh don’t go there!) Rather be fishing. Don’t open the doors it gets cold. Cooking show… no mess there, sleep cleans mess. Needs a wagon to put all the stuff in and a broom. Wants to be listened to. Why 12?

2️⃣

• - P: Don’t lose the love! Who’s in charge here?
• - P: go do something else you’re wasting your time. Stop worrying
• - E: worried hopeless, hurt. Lover
• - P: tired dont communicate w worried! This will get messy. Everything was fine, stop disrupting parts. Now there are loose ends. Think I’m 12. Wants closure. Don’t vomit all over everything.. concerned about baby.
• - P: Armor, sponge thinks Im 37 🎓 What I'd like to do differently: 1️⃣ I got a lot of love for sleepy parts. I could have directed toward unblending, but I stuck w curiosity instead. I'm doing a lot of dot-connecting, which maybe was not a great move. Just wanted to see where it might take us. 2️⃣ I was on the fence re: revisiting, going deeper w exile. Wanted to respect tired and distracted parts. Plus my own energy was kinda weak.

🔸 Settling the score with mom.

📌 Theresa followed up:

🔸 "Quasi-spiritual bullshit..." Meet Jerry!

🔹 Parts:

• P: The skeptic, analyzer, don’t get your hopes up: The truth or is life worth living. Did I fuck up irredeemably? Is my life ruined? Integrity. Someone please prove me wrong.

• P: What if you were enough? The one who tries
• E: Yes, people are careless. If they aren’t, then I grieve for not seeing it. forever, lamenting the loss of not realizing what I was capable of
• P: fuck off

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

Don’t tell Jerry, but my hopes are sky high! I felt like I was leading a little too much. But got lucky.

I will take the copyright on “how do you feel towards the entity” though. That was *my* breakthrough in this call.

🔸 So right, so true, so me — so blended! Know, don’t tell.

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

I stumbled into the call, unsettled. A part chastising for time wasted, I'm supposed to be preparing for a call, not helping a bee…

Then Bee told me she was a beekeeper, and something about sweetness and honey. I short-circuited, remembering a dream I had last night. Christmas w my family of origin. They gave me a tiny vial of the most exotic honey. Rare and magnificent and almost sacred, and it was mine. I tasted a drop: "like apricot and marshmallow and roasted peanuts and sour candy!" And I passed it around for all to try. It was all so nice! So nice that they knew me well enough to choose it for me, and that feeling I had of just wanting to give it right back. We all laughed and talked about how exquisite it was…

I dream about honey a lot, and I dream about my family a lot. But this one was so sweet it woke me up.

During our call I suddenly realized the meaning of my dream. The joy and certainty of this gift. Certainty meaning: I knew how special it was (more than they did) I was the connoisseur, exploring and describing the intricacies. But everyone could enjoy it. And a drop was all anyone needed.

At the top of the call I picked the target, I didn’t ask Bee to decide. I had parts saying “Mistake! How will you explain this? Why?” and again at the end, as I got into teaching mode, parts said “against the rules! Stop teaching, stay curious”. And I responded “It feels right, and we don’t have to explain it to anyone.”

🔸 Blue is the story about men. The warmth of the sun: steady, not slow.

🔹 Parts:

• Criticism, judgment.
• Blue: men are bad, can’t be trusted. Absence, lack of presence. It’s not safe to feel. Not safe to have anger and rage
• White: safe holding rage in a box. Else eruption expulsion. Needs a hug
• Rage wants to come out. Wants a voice
• Pregnant
• Black: void, spacey, thinks I'm 3, too dangerous. Shrouded. Wants a window. Doesn’t have to change itself!

🔸 Ground, feet, legs, night sky.

🔸 Who can hold suicide, panic, pathetic, self-harm & the little girl in the big room?

🔹 Parts:

• Suicide “I could” v “I couldn’t”.
• Self harm. You’ve been a horrible parent. You should be punished, destroyed for good.
• Everything would be better if I could cry.
  A big lack of being held.
• Pathetic.
  (J direct accessed “this is pathetic” even though she said “feeling pathetic”)
• Asking to be held is weird.
• A tiny me in a big room.A bunny for little girl

🎓 What I'd like to do differently:

I mighta been too pushy re “holding the punisher”. Maybe I wasn’t listening well enough during such an important part of the process. She said arms length and closer, so I assumed it wasn’t too much of a leap. At least useful data, very important experiment.

Overall I think my confidence is warranted, I do see “giftedness” in Sienna’s awareness, soing to so many hard places/parts but with such clarity and her own direction.