Megan's Megacan

The season of Jesus-bothering holidays is upon Germany, so the Megacanners honour the upcoming Pentecost by imbibing an appropriately sacred beverage: A Gordon's G&T. Meanwhile, the AfD begins to see the light about Russia as does Merz about Netanyahu — a bit late to the party, lads, I'm afraid the buffet's all gone — and there's some actually quite good news from the German courts! Hallelujah.

It's been a funny old fortnight: Friedrich Merz trips over the doorstep to the chancellor's office, Bärbel Bas buggers the Beamtes, Christian clips a canine, and Germany gets its own little Elon to get rid of all of those distracting human rights and climate laws. Luckily, Germany's soldiers remember to tick the correct boxes on the Are-You-A-Nazi questionnaire. Thank God for those canned Martinis. Assume the position!

New German Chancellor Friedrich Merz has picked his cabinet, and filled it with people like him, cos he’s so great: Getting a team of CEOs and lobbyists to run the country is bound to restore people’s faith in democracy. Not only that, Merz has had a brilliant idea: If we shit on immigrants even more it’ll definitely get people to stop voting for the AfD — why didn’t anyone think of that before? Speaking of which, the AfD gets a new rating on Germany’s official Nazism scale and 25% of Germans still think they’re the best. Wow, isn’t the news great!

It's Easter, which means it's time for fertility rituals, chocolate bunnies and historic peace deals — at least it used to be. Peace seems a long way off, no matter how many Germans go marching for it this weekend, and as for chocolate bunnies, well, they look a bit too Muslim for the AfD. Meanwhile, Friedrich Merz, Markus Söder, and the SPD agree a new coalition contract — no rush, lads — and Konrad goes on holiday to hospital. Nurse? I'll have my drugs now, please!   

Slightly different megacan this week, as writer turned evac medic Howard Hunt joins Megan and Konrad once again for an update from the Ukraine war zone – with tales of impossibly brave men with no legs, skies filled with drones, how to drive an ambulance on hilariously bad roads in the dark, and other scenes from the edge of the precipice. Meanwhile in Germany, it seems some in the CDU think that, actually, being dependent on Russian gas might not be so bad after all. What the fucking actual fuck is going on?

Here's Howard's combat medic team in Ukraine, the AO:

Friedrich Probably-Next-German-Chancellor Merz has decided that actually, if you think about it, billions in state debts are great after all — and don't worry about anything he might've said before the election — because what if we want to build tanks in Volkswagen factories? Also, who knew Hubert Aiwanger would turn out to be a massive weasel, more evidence that Germany needs more immigrants, and the results of Megan's citizenship test revealed. Woohoo!

It's the end of an era: Scholz, Habeck, and friend of the pod Christian Lindner have all had their last Absacker and stumbled out into the night — you can still hear them arguing in the distance in a cloud of mutual acrimony. Hey, we just let the market regulate itself, Christian! But spare a thought for Megan, who has to learn a whole new set of German politicians' names. At least Merz will be easy to remember (it rhymes with Schmerz). And there was good news too: Arch-splitter Sahra Wagenknecht took her heeby-jeeby energy into the wilderness — and Die Linke finally figured out how to set up a TikTok account and do a proper election campaign. Hooray!  

This week, German TV producers finally came to their senses and invited Megan's Megacan to make its debut on a politics chat-show. As Megan was providing silent commentary over chief twat Hubert Aiwanger's shoulder, Konrad found out whether football fans can save Germany from fascism. Then they scramble around for good news for our "clutching at straws" section. Yes!

This week, the German parliament marks Holocaust Memorial Day with a special tribute to the makers of the Holocaust, as Friedrich Merz reneged on his own promise from two months ago and made common cause with fascists to degrade the German constitution. Meanwhile, Megan and Konrad review election campaign posters and cling helplessly to their brand new good news section. Resistance!

This week, your favourite can-drinking podcasters subjected themselves to an hour of lies and awkward flirting — thanks to top fascist Alice Weidel and billionaire philosopher Elon Musk, who revealed his vulnerable, damaged soul. Speaking of enablers, the bourgeoisie give the fascists a leg-up in Austria, as they do, and democratic society is once again undermined. Woohoo! Happy 1933!

Getting one more row done for 2024, Chancellor Scholz confronted the Bundestag this week to confirm that yes, they really didn't think he could run the country anymore. So the members convened to shout at each other one last time and get their Christmas ducks in a row in time for the New Year election campaign. Meanwhile, the AfD is sticking to its anti-European roots, while appealing to the racist side of people of all colours. That's the festive spirit! Ho ho ho!

It turns out that serial coalition breakers the FDP were planning to break up the German government weeks ago, much to the surprise of no one except party leader Christian Lindner, who definitely had no idea about the weirdly militaristic D-Day paper — even though his best mate wrote it. Meanwhile, forget about coming to Berlin to make art — the new government here has decided that austerity is a brilliant idea and always wins. Oh well, at least Megan and Konrad have some festive tips to ease you in. Jingle bells.

There's a Christmas election campaign ahead, and it looks like the SPD is going to let Olaf Scholz deliver their presents one last time. Meanwhile, Robert Habeck is convinced that the path to victory goes via coy, night-time kitchen-table videos. Plus, why Germany's medical system has a language problem, what the CDU is planning for unemployment benefit, and the next way-stage on Megan's road to Germanness. Hooray!

Reeling from the impending demise of western democracy, Megan put her phone away for half an hour to have a nice glass of wine — but then Chancellor Scholz chooses that very moment to finally sack that annoying wanker who's been ruining everyone's life and blow up the coalition. Konrad tries to piece the gossip together, while the Bundestag decides now is a good time to Germansplain antisemitism to us. In response to this spectacularly shite week, Megan pulls the emergency brake and officially inaugurates this year's festive season. Merry Christmas, one and all!

We're deep into October, so there's only one thing for it — a trip to Captain Morgan's Mojito island. Elsewhere, in the world of horrors we call reality, Germany has decided it's ok to send weapons to Israel as long as they promise not to do anything bad with them. And there's more advice from Megan on how to navigate the insanity of bureaucracy and getting that all important B1. Avast me hearties!

Yes indeed, we've finally made it through all of this year's German state elections. No more horrible people upending the political landscape until after Christmas. Still, as the Germans say, now we have the salad, and Chancellor Olaf Scholz has a lot on his plate — yet seems convinced he can still win next year. Also, there's the strange case of Germany's disappearing arms exports to Israel, and Megan's special citizenship advice corner… Salut!

Useful citizenship links from Megan:

Language Schools offering Leben in Deutschland test (valid for Einbürgerung)

Recording live with Radio Spätkauf at Podfest Berlin 2024, Megan handed out free cans so that the audience wouldn't have to get through the news sober — which, frankly, should be part of every media subscription service these days. Then Konrad gets weirdly pedantic about crime stats, Izzy explains why Germany is always losing the energy transition race, and Joel finds some good news about Berlin's U-Bahn seat covers. And there's more fascism in Germany obviously. BUT we have passing minstrels! Hey nonny nonny!

Listen to the brilliant and more sober Radio Spätkauf here:

Megan's had a lovely, relaxing time on her summer holidays, so obviously she can't wait to hear about all the horrible news in Germany and Konrad's trip to a fascist rally. Two German states have elections this weekend with the AfD leading in the polls, while an Islamist attack in Solingen has made it even easier for them to stir up racism. Hey ho, the wheel of misery and hatred takes another turn. Well, at least the megas are chilled. Cheers!

Special summer show here - an extraordinary interview with novelist and combat medic Howard Hunt, and how he joined the Hospitallers Medical Battalion in Ukraine.

It's a big day for Megan and the 14% of the German population without a German passport — the government has finally deigned to give them basic democratic rights. Woohoo! Unfortunately, the fascist fucks who apparently represent the majority of Germans have already decided to repeal it when they get to power next. Ah well, at least you can get a fairly cheap panic room at Lidl now. Hey ho!

Megan and Konrad, determined to get through a whole episode without having a nervous breakdown over Germany's political torments, call in top football journalist Kit Holden to deliver an expert preview of the upcoming Euro 2024 football fiesta. That'll surely cheer them up. But bugger us if Kit hasn't gone and written a whole bloody book about how German football actually reflects all the country's political torments. Bah, just their luck! Mahlzeit!

Megan and Konrad are full of the joys of summer this week because the people of Thuringia went to the polls — and slightly fewer of them voted for SS apologists than normal. Meanwhile, top COVID explainer Karl Lauterbach is overhauling Germany's absurdly expensive healthcare system, and kindly, white-haired President Walter says a rude word. Ahoy!

Displaying their usual tact and charm, Berlin cops have been beating people up at demos, making up rules as they go along about what languages you can speak, and then following people around while they go for pints. Nessa Finnegan of Berlin's Irish Bloc joins Megan and Konrad to talk about the diplomatic incident their conversation circle caused at the pro-Palestinian camp. Sláinte!

Another week, another gaggle of right-wing terrorists go on trial. This time it's the turn of Heinrich the 13th, a blue-blooded berk in the dock for trying to bring down the German state, which he says doesn't even really exist. Welcome to the netherworld in the mind of the Reichsbürger. Also, the German government has come up with a plan to abolish homelessness. Will it work? As if! Kanpai! Which is cheers in Japanese.

Germany has been in The Hague this week defending itself from accusations of aiding genocide — hands down winning this month's "Not A Great Look" award for countries with a history of genocide. Speaking of war crimes, freelance journalist Cathrin is on had to tell Megan and Konrad how Germany's policy on Syrian passports is helping the Assad regime — and don't piss off Botswana unless you want 20,000 elephants riding over the Alps. Cheers!

The birds are singing, the blossoms are blooming, the eggs are safely hidden – it's springtime at Megacan Towers and Megan has some sparkling springtime tips for the long weekend. But unfortunately, there's some news to get through before that: How do you get a tram through a fence, driving tests for senior citizens, football news, and whatever the fuck Kai Wegner has been up to this time. Mahlzeit!

Good news and bad news, listeners: Berlin might be able to force thousands of fancy holiday flats back onto the rental market, thanks to a good court ruling for once. The bad news is that Brandenburg is probably about to let Mr Muskness clear a forest so that he can build a million electric cars. Plus Tesla robot coffee's shit. Hooray!

Endlich! Germany legalizes cannabis (a little bit, as long as you join a Verein), then has a collective meltdown trying to decide which half of a film-making team you're allowed to clap, while Konrad fatally leaves it far too late in his megacan to explain the democratic principles underpinning the Federal Constitutional Court. All rise!

Fresh from a round of dental torture, Konrad visits the picturesque medieval town of Greiz, Thüringen, where a lady in a castle has decided that asylum-seekers have to do their shopping in the shops she likes. Plus, should there be EU nuclear bombs? And slightly new news from the court cases against Volkswagen and its ex-CEO Martin Winterkorn. Hey nonny nonny!

Konrad's back — from the frying pan of 90-degree humidity into the fryer of German politics. Luckily, Megan's here to untangle the hypocrisy and moral muddles that the country has been mired in while Konrad's been away. Also, ex-watchman Hans-Georg Maaßen gets watched and what's with Germany's new enthusiasm for strikes? Prost!

Really sorry, this is another repeat - this episode is one of our favourites, from March 2022. Megan and Konrad will be back for real soon!

The horror won't go away, but then neither do megacans. This week, Megan and Konrad get some distraction from world insanity with a welcome visit from veteran Berlin tour guide and history raconteur Ryan Balmer, who duly vents magnificently about the Humboldt Forum. Also Konrad has something to add about German arms exports.

Watch Ryan's great Berlin tours here!

Despite a busy schedule of stuffing their faces with post-Christmas delights and/or getting COVID, Megan and Konrad manage to squeeze one more canned cocktail into 2023 with an end-of-year round-up. But before that: Why are Germany's doctors on strike?Does the CDU really want to send asylum-seekers to Rwanda? Will 2024 be slightly less depressing? All these questions resolved, or at least ranted about, in this week's show.

Happy New Year!

This week, CDU leader Friedrich Merz insults both Chancellor Olaf Scholz and the plumbing community after the German government is roundly humiliated by the constitutional court. What is it with Germany and its weird debt brake fetish? Also, Amazon's subcontractor scam, and what you can and can't say in a demo in Berlin. Santé!

Megan's Megacan Theme Song by Eden Ottignon

In a special history episode, Megan and Konrad are joined by communist tour guide Nathaniel Flakin to discuss the 1918 November revolution in Germany, and a bizarre play about it written 15 years ago by none other than 2000s romcom star, Green Party bigwig, and German Vice Chancellor Robert Habeck.

Konrad and Megan are joined by expert mixologists Noel and Mark to rate the megacans sent in from all corners of the globe so we can finally answer the big questions – What colour is the drink inside? What is the greatest megacan in the world? And what the fuck is Four Loko supposed to be? Ikkinomi! 

The world might be going to hell in an over-heated handbasket, but as long as there's a podcast festival how bad can things be?

Megan and Konrad are joined by Maria Dębińska, Izzy Choksey, and special musical guest Eden Ottignon in front of a live studio audience at the Berlin Podfest to discuss climate grief, Konrad's film We're All Going To Die, and the delights of bisongrass vodka. Na zdrowie!

Theme Song: Eden Ottignon

Ever committed to the cause of public service journalism, Megan and Konrad deliver the bare-bones, stripped-down, tightly-presented facts of last Sunday's twin state elections in Bavaria and Hesse. The fascists are on the rise, the CDU/SPD ain't gonna save us, and it's all Christian Lindner's fault anyway. The people need to resist, ideally with a JD Whisky Sour, cos these long demos can be thirsty work. It's time for a mega-march!

Come to our live show at Podfest 2023 (and watch Konrad's movie there too!):

Pork products, over-confidence, and a bit too much right-wing populism? Yep, this must be Bavaria, which goes to the polls next week as Markus Söder seeks re-election with his coalition partner Hubert Aiwanger, who has definitely never been a Nazi ever. Konrad went to the land of Brezls to see one of Söder's election speeches and speak to the party leaders. Also, what's it like at a Polish wedding? Na zdrowie!

Come to our live show at Podfest 2023 (and watch Konrad's movie there too!):

Who can save us from the AfD? Please don't say Sahra Wagenknecht. Armed with Whisky & Gs and Lynchburg Lemonades, the intrepid megacanners try to figure out who Die Linke's most notorious politician is and what she wants. Plus, finally FINALLY young Berliners will be allowed to vote in state elections, as the cool capital drags itself into the 21st century. What took ya so long, homies?

Konrad's movie next week: Backhaus Projects, Sept 27, 8pm:

The summer's fading out, which means the Megacanners are fading in, and there's no better way to greet the onset of autumn than a lovely old Bavarian folk festival. But what's this? A highly-strung right-wing populist who's definitely not an antisemite ranting in one of the beer tents? No way! Plus ça fucking change. Plus ça Christian Lindner's new budget in the loveless coalition marriage. Luckily we have our lovely megas or the will to live might've left us already. Let's do this!

Come to our live show at the Podfest 2023 (and watch Konrad's movie!):

Another wee repeat - One of our best episodes, from November 12, 2022

This week, German police chat, as journalist Wael Askandar joins the Megacanners to talk about the time the cops refused people second scoops on Hermannplatz. Meanwhile Veronika Nad is on board to talk about the new Hanau exhibition at the HKW in Berlin. Jack Daniels all round? Don't mind if I do.

While we're away on our summer holidays, we're repeating some of our favourite episodes from our first five years of canned cocktails. Here's one of the best: A journey into the topsy-turvy world of German rap with special guest Maisie Hitchcock from September 18, 2020!

Kollegah - Fler - Haftbefehl - Bushido - Olexesh - Capital Bra - What the hell are you on about? You're babbling, man, you're babbling. - No I'm not! They're all famous German rappers - and on this week's show the megacanners find out how to tell them apart! It's totally Lila.

Buy us a round, ask us a question:

You know the drill: Megan's summer mood is brought crashing down by Germany's political developments as Konrad tells of the AfD's latest successes. Meanwhile, Germany needs more immigrants but why would anyone move here to nurse the country's aging generation of middle-class racists who like voting for Bavarians like the spectacularly named Hubert Aiwanger?

One more Citrus Collins anyone? I think I'd better. Cheers.

Buy us a round, ask us a question:

Hooray! More depressing news as a German town votes for a fascist for the first time in a while – if ONLY we'd done a bit more liberal pontificating about reunification. The rise of Nazism will certainly help encourage the immigrants that German businesses need so much. Meanwhile, German lawyers prosecute Iranian judges and Russian generals. Lucky we have a soothing whisky and ginger. Phew!

Germany's new immigration law:

A special edition mega for a special edition mega – Megan breaks out the all-new JD Whisky Sours while Konrad describes the court verdict of Lina E., the left-wing radical who took de-nazification a bit too literally. Ach, if only Germans could love themselves a bit more: Not to worry, because the CDU has a special patriotism program so you too can feel ok to be German. Alles wird gut!

The Megacanners prepare for the Pentecost the only way Jesus would've wanted: With a Captain Morgan Mojito – the ideal foundation for Kreuzberg's Karneval der Kulturen this weekend. But sadly the news keeps happening, and yet it doesn't, as the police decides to intimidate climate activists for no purpose, and Robert Habeck finds his Heating Bill pointlessly blocked by the FDP. Amen!  

Megan and Konrad are back on the Bio-Rhubarb-Limo this week to recover from the frankly decadent special edition. So with an unwonted clarity, the megacanners discuss new mayor Kai Wegner's accession to the throne (with or without help from some fascists), why the mafia loves spending money in Germany, and the trial of left-wing extremist Lina E. Is it terrorism if you bash a Nazi in the head? Alcohol-free cheers!

Compromises in Berlin and Berlin as both the federal and state governments of the German capital huddle together to clear the air, hash out their differences, confront their grievances, and decide how best to fuck the climate. Meanwhile, swimming pools declare freedom for boobs. Hooray for springtime!

Buy us a round, ask us a question:

Here's the teaser to our first ever bonus podcast, especially for our Patreon Patrons. This post-Easter Easter egg also happens to be Megan's favourite ever show – mainly because we don't mention Friedrich Merz even once. Konrad and Megan are joined by expert mixologists Noel and Mark to rate megacans sent in from all corners of the globe. ... Become a Patron to hear the full episode: