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Monster Crush

Monster Crush

By Monster Crush
Dating can be hard - especially when your date is the legendary Bigfoot! Where do you take a guy like that? More importantly, where do you find a guy like that? You're in luck because our crypto-woo-ologists have a binder full of suitable candidates ready for one hell of a good time. Whether or not our bait survives is up to them. Who says love isn't without a few risks?
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Date 44 - Soggy Bottom Boys

Monster Crush

Date 44 - Soggy Bottom Boys

Monster Crush

Date 51 - The Beach Boys (Monster Version)
What a day/week/month/year/life! You deserve a break! Grab a towel, your favorite book, and prepare to fall in love on the seashore. Better to fall in love than fall in, because some of these singletons might eat you. Exciting!  CW: discussions of sex, death, infant death, harm to animals, insects, disease, animal attacks, drowning. Featuring: Lions and Tigers and Bears with Guns; MC Movie Corner: The Holiday; Spooky News: How to Pronounce Cicada; the Saga of Dan Arby; Bad Cryptid Hugs; Beaver Abominations; Octopus Science; Second Chances at Love; Monster Meet-Cutes. Thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Nick Lambert, who created our theme song. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.
July 04, 2021
Date 50 - Monster Smooching as Praxis
IT’S OUR 50th EPISODE!! To celebrate, we put together a very special episode, unlike anything we’ve done before. Heaven-Leigh provides a comprehensive look at critical aspects of Donna Haraway’s work and then connects it somehow to monster smooching? From there, Derek is presented with a horrifying glimpse into humanity’s future. This may be our most educational episode yet! CW: mentions of racism, sexism, transphobia, genitalia, body horror, climate catastrophe. Featuring: Fungal Zombies; A Cyborg Manifesto; Staying with the Trouble; Nightmare Dr. Seuss; Leave Matt Damon in Space; Foot Perverts; The Future is Crab; Abject Horror; Utility Belts; Putting the DICK in DIXON; Meaty Tic Tacs. Thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Nick Lambert, who created our theme song. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.
May 24, 2021
Date 49 - Out With the Old, in With the New
You can cut all the flowers, but you can’t keep Spring from coming! It’s time to throw open the windows, beat that old rug, and pay tribute to the naked little man who lives under your floorboards. Normal stuff! This week, Heaven-Leigh presents Derek with a selection of singletons that have already moved in and are busy judging how many dishes there are in the sink.  CW: climate change, dieting, death, childbirth, mention of genitalia. Featuring: Spring Cleaning Rituals; Roombas; Shitty Roommates; Little Big Boys; Derek’s Haunted House; Draw a Dick, You Coward; Color-Locked Shapeshifting; Go Naked To Your Favorite Game. Thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Nick Lambert, who created our theme song. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.
May 11, 2021
Monster Crush Bonus: I Roll to Smooch
Get out your icosahedrons, it's a D&D bonus episode! Heaven-Leigh's schedule is busy these days so Derek decides to take special guest Kappa on a smoochable tour of the Forgotten Realms with a special selection of Dungeons & Dragons monsters. When Heaven-Leigh is away, the boys will slay (but in a sexy way)... Hey that all kinda rhymed!  CW: Violence, gaslighting, mind control, mentions of slavery, cannibalism, real-world religions Featuring: the return of fuckable numbers; what D&D class is best in bed; sea lion-sized fleas; monster glow-ups; Bill Nighy's voice can get it; the 3 F's of adventuring; Uncle Rick; Tiefling toe-beans; fantasy healthcare systems. You can find Kappa and his upcoming projects at: and can donate directly at or through his upcoming streams on and Thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Nick Lambert, who created our theme song. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.
May 05, 2021
Date 48 - King of Monsters and King of My Heart
Not up for debate: Godzilla's sex appeal. Up for debate: Which of his rivals is the hottest? This week, Derek breaks down some of Godzilla's sexiest foes. They're big, they're horrifying, and they're ready to destroy a city as a testament to their love! CW: human trafficking mention, nuclear weapons and devastation, eco-fascism. Featuring: Weird Mic Troubles - Sorry!; NEW THEME SONG; Toledo Facts; Dinosaur News!; Gender Reveal Drama; Sleepy Hands; Kaiju v Giant Monster; Brain Butts and Buzzsaw Stomachs; World's Not-Best Dad; Teenage Rage. Thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Nick Lambert, who created our theme song. Find him on Instagram @lambertropolis.
April 25, 2021
Date 47 - Women's Herstory Horror
Since this episode was recorded in March, it counts as our official women's HERstory month episode. And what better way to celebrate women's accomplishments than by examining the lives (and deaths) of two famous murderers. ALLEGED murderers. ALLEGED vampire. ALLEGED witch. CONFIRMED grisly end at the hands of corrupt officials.  CW: torture, body horror, murder, bestiality, violence against animals. Featuring: Ye Olde Himbos; The Nitty Gritty of Blood Baths; Creative Ways to be Awful; Winning the Worst Lottery Ever; Meadow-ception; Neck Crimes; The Small Plaintive Cries of a Dog Who Gets Everything She Wants. Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)
April 11, 2021
Date 46 - Aliens... Probably
Listen, if your man is green, has an indecipherable accent, loves pogo sticks, and won't let you meet his family... that isn't your man, that's an alien.  CW: Abduction, thalassophobia, sharks, animal death, blood horror, gun violence. Featuring: a Baby on Mars; the Most F***able Number; Drake Equation; Glow Sharks; Derek's True Age; Alien Pogo Sticks; Jerry Bob the Gargoyle; Origin of 'Little Green Men;' Secret Post-Credits Scene. Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)
March 28, 2021
Date 45 - Horde my Love
We heat up these colder months with a little dragon fire as Derek presents Heaven-Leigh with a selection of 3 scaly, draconic singletons from all over the world. CW: Sex, sex toys, avalanches and natural disasters, car accidents, death, drowning/flooding, war, cannibalism, religion, politics. Featuring: The Sexiest Dragon Hoards; Spooky News!; Dragons Across the World; YARMS; Time-Traveling Christians; Deep Red Mall Santas; Friend of a Friend; Rabbit Belly vs. Clam Belly; Dog Crimes Against Art. Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)
March 13, 2021
Date 44 - Soggy Bottom Boys
Welcome back! Derek and Heaven-Leigh return from their wintery hiatus and journey into some of the wettest, peatiest bogs searching for love. Bring a crusty loaf of bread and some ripe fruit; there is jerky and butter in these bogs. CW: cannibalism, sexual assault, racism, religious sacrifice, death, train disaster, violence. Featuring: Human Jerky; Armie Hammer; Spooky News!; Bog Bodies and Bog Butter!; Bad Catholics; Gator Wife; Cornstew. Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)
February 07, 2021
Winter Wonderland Update
Fear not: nothing bad this way comes! Derek and Heaven-Leigh give a brief life update and the plans to continue the show in the new year, hotter and heavier than ever! This time, the hiatus is actually planned, which shows we are growing. And maybe we'll get a Nectar sponsorship out of this. Nectar, get at us! CW: night terrors Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)
December 11, 2020
Date 43 - FROM THE VAULT - Ohio is For Monster Lovers
In our very first from the vault release, we give you: the unaired Ohio episode! We recorded this way back when Derek first joined the show and then just never posted it. But we blew off the dust and gave it a good ol' spit shine, and present it to you in all its retro glory. CW: Slurping noises, Child Endangerment, Mentions of Violence. Featuring: Christian Werewolf Sex Positions; Dog Show News; Reaper of Death vs. Little Poopy Butt; Ohio Facts; Alien Pancakes and Whore Apples; Post Malone and Scientific Integrity; Lots of Monster Smooches. Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)
December 11, 2020
Date 42 - The Exxxtra Sexxxy Halloween Special!
Happy Halloween! Whether you’re staying in or going out, we have an intoxicating selection of horrors to help keep you company! CW: Mention of genitalia, serial killers, and gun violence. Featuring: SLUTTY DOGS AND THEIR CRIMES; Trick, Treat, or Yeet; Horny for Hell; Movie Corner; Double Stick Knife; Werewolf Snitch; Finland has Stolen the Sun; When you Hear the Ice Knocking, Run??!!? Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)
November 01, 2020
Date 41 - The Good, the Gooder, and the Goodest Boys
Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? These boys are! This week, a pack of dogs from around the world battle for Derek's love, as well as vie for the Good Boy crown. Only one of them can win the heart of Derek, but luckily, they can all share the title of Good Boy. CW: cancer, sex, violence, child death and dog death, cannibalism, incest, torture, animal cruelty. Featuring: Spooky News; Justice for Tasha Yar; Guardians of the Penis Jokes, Heaven-Leigh's Hag Encounter; Thank Your Mother for Your Neuroses; Werewolf Crime and Punishment; The Best Werewolf Movie Never Made; Boot Size is a Crucial Detail in Werewolf Sightings; Sad Dogs in History; Hairless Wolf Perverts. Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)
October 24, 2020
Date 40 - Ragnarok My World
It's the end of the world, and these monsters are FINE. Derek doesn't want Heaven-Leigh to face the great unknown all alone, so he presents a bevy of dates that are sure to protect her - because they are helping to end the world! Like, wouldn't a benefit of dating the destroyer of all worlds be that you aren't destroyed? RIGHT?!  CW: body horror; eschatology; real-world religions; ableism; white supremacy; slavery; war; death. Featuring: Snake Math; Spooky News!; A Lecture on Eschatology; Hercules is a Coward; Let's Play Throw Stuff at Baldr; Burdened by Bird Spit and Roast Beef Knowledge; The Return of Ol' Spider Legs; Dad of Boy; and Lots of Myths! Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)
October 04, 2020
Date 39 - XXX-Files
Name a more iconic throuple than Scully, Mulder, and the thousands of viewers who desperately wanted them to smooch. But what if the X-Files had taken a different turn? While there is definitely an X-Rated title covering the, ahem, human relations, Heaven-Leigh brings some of the most delicious X-Files monsters to the table. Jimmy Stewart's ghost makes a repeat appearance for like a solid 37 minutes. CW: sleep paralysis; theft of body parts; cancer; mentions of bullying; cannibalism; mentions of violence; parasites. Featuring: Dolittle Deep Dive; Sasquatch Lifetime Movie; Spooky News!; Cryptid Corrections; Derek's Dogs; Scully's Hot Girl Weekend.   This week's episode was done by Alexander Geiszler, who also made our music! (Instagram: @churboje)
September 25, 2020
Date 38 - I'll Have What He's Having
This week, Heaven-Leigh is joined by two superduper special guests - Jake and Wyatt from the podcast Superduperstitious! While they are used to uncovering the science behind the supernatural and paranormal, they suspend their disbelief to go on a series of hot double dates. Each singleton has more than one head, and a lot of love to go around. CW: Bodily fluids. Featuring: Free Geico Ad; Murder You Road; Our First Monster Crushes; Spooky AND Weird News!; Poetry; Sweet Beans: A Hallmark Original Movie. Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje). Check out Superduperstitious wherever you find podcasts, or at 
September 02, 2020
Date 37 - Secured, Contained, and (un)Protected
As if figuring out where to take a monster on your first date wasn’t hard enough, how do you even find one? Thankfully, there’s an organization dedicated to securing, containing, and protecting humans from monstrous threats. But for those of us who are brave, an SCP facility is like a singles mingle. CW: genitals; animal mutilation. Featuring: Monster Preventives; Turkey Burger; Spooky News!; Death by Catfish; No Hair, No Go; The Inherent Sex Appeal of a Plague Doctor; Where the Butt Grows; Drug Blob. Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)
August 10, 2020
Date 36 - What's That Sound?
It's Pride Month, the Continuation! This episode was filmed in June, so whenever you listen to it, it's Pride Month again, baby! Heaven-Leigh and Derek pay homage to the queer icon, The Babadook, before moving on to the week's singletons. Knock knock, who's there? It's a poltergeist! Knock knock. Knock knock. Knock knock. They are really annoying. CW: SA; menstruation; animal mutilation; sharks. Featuring: A Sneak-Peak Into the Spaghetti of Heaven-Leigh's Mind; Weird News!; A VERY Detailed Breakdown of Ghosts; Bard Crimes;  Plastic Swans but Make Them Loud;  Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)
July 24, 2020
Date 35 - Gettin' Handsy (pt. 3!!!)
This episode begins with a personal address of support from Heaven-Leigh and Derek about the protests and demands for justice in the US. And finally, the greatest trilogy in human history comes to a close. You may not have asked for it, but it’s here anyway. Derek presents Heaven-Leigh with another bevy of monsters grasping for love in Gettin’ Handsy Part 3: The Fingering! CW: discussions of race/protest; mentions of genitalia and male circumcision; theft of religious iconography; suicide; child abductions; violence; cannibalism; body horror. Featuring: X-rated Intros; Spooky News!; Jimmy Stewart Commits Crimes Against Yetis; Bone-Suckers; More Disembodied Hairy Hands; Never Trust A Titmouse; We Will Tattoo Our Bodies With Your Art (maybe). Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (Instagram: @churboje)
July 08, 2020
Date 34 - Part Man, Part Beast, All Lover
Why have one when you can have it all? This week's singletons are a grab bag of delights. He's part man, part snake dick, part butterfly, part dog? Say no more. Seriously, please, say no more, that sounds horrifying. CW: rape. Featuring: Ghost Shark; WEIRD NEWS!; Demon Facts; Erect Snakes; Are Predators Pro-Life?; Direct to Kindle; Bird Don't Have Boobs. Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (@churboje)
June 11, 2020
Date 33 - Gettin' Handsy (pt. 2!!)
Did you love those handsy boys featured last time? Well, Derek is back with more! The projected hugs are off the charts. We get carried away at the start of this episode and talk a lot about the theater and having sex with ghosts. Good points were made. Heaven-Leigh then shares her most recent experience with maybe an alien abduction? CW: cults, colonialism, body horror, mention of genitalia. Featuring: Ben Franklin’s Tentacle Porn Collection; We do not smooch serial killers; WEIRD NEWS; Consensual Ghost Encounters of the XXX kind; We gotta get to the bottom of this hole!; There is no I in ghost-team, only horrifying implications; Angelina Jolie and Grendlebob.Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (@churboje)
May 28, 2020
Date 32 - Gettin' Handsy (pt. 1!)
Who has a variety of hands, at least one thumb, and is ready for love? This week's singletons! Featuring our first monster with daddy issues. CW: Sexual assault in Greek mythology. Featuring: Pool Playing Pandas; Otter Crimes!; Camping Horror Story; Ghostly Hand Massage; Jesus v Devil: Dartmoor Drift; Zeus is at it... A G A I N. Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (@churboje)
May 13, 2020
Date 31 - Old Souls
Monsters these days only know eat brains, lie, tweet, and straight-to-DVD-sequels. If you want a monster who knows how to treat you right and has the chivalrous charm of a knight they probably killed at some point, look no further than the Middle Ages! Heaven-Leigh has a selection of three singletons that will show you how to party like it's 799. CW: body horror. Featuring: Power Dynamics and Time Travel Romances; Guess These REAL ANIMALS; Horse/Man Quandaries; Animal Symbols. Special thanks to our super producer, Richard, and Alexander Geiszler, who wrote our theme (@churboje)
April 23, 2020
Date 30 - A Fool for Love
April Fool's Day can be yours all year round in this special all hoax edition! In honor of pranks, mischief, and tomfoolery, Derek presents Heaven-Leigh with some options that may just be too good to be true. CW: mention of animal death. Featuring: Violence Against Aquatic Apes; Mermaid Theories; ARE-Kansas; Where Did the Germans Go?; Mass Effect; Kaiju Highway.Special thanks to our super-producer Richard; music by Alexander Geiszler, @churboje (insta)
April 10, 2020
Date 29 - Luck of the Irish
Since we're all stuck inside and time means nothing, we can all pretend this came out before St. Patrick's Day, right? Either way, grab a Guinness, pucker up, and get ready to kiss some Irish monsters!  CW: Alcohol Consumption, SA, Death, Supernatural Mischief, DV, and Blood. Featuring: Derek absolutely DID NOT go out for St. Patrick’s Day (Social Distancing y’all); Heaven-Leigh will commit crimes with her dagger-nails; a Saint Patrick history lesson; cube-snake; otters are sociopaths; piggy-back rides from hell; the ‘Mean Girls’ of monsters; the Tale of Bluebeard; Giveaway Update.Special thanks to our super-producer Richard; music by Alexander Geiszler, @churboje
March 25, 2020
Date 28 - Over Seven Foot and Totally Proportional
New decade, new standards. We are shooting for the stars in this episode, and on the way up, we may give a smooch to these ultra tall dates! Derek is going to need a step ladder. CW: Suicide, shark attack. Featuring: Godzilla predictions; (it was San Diego); Derek has a mountain?; Don't throw dogs!; A beautiful collection of ladies; SHARK ATTACK!Special thanks to Richard, our super producer; music by Alexander Geiszler, @churboje
February 27, 2020
Date 27 - Are You Gonna Eat That?
A bit of a palate cleanser… or not - we’re talking about monsters that eat people! These creepy cuddlers think you “look good enough to eat” and “can’t wait to have you for dinner.” Those are threats! Heaven-Leigh and Ellie wade through some nastiness to find the inner beauty of creatures who hunger for humans. CW: Cannialbilsim, necrophilia, war, demonology, body horror, gore, starvation. Featuring: A NEW THEME SONG!; Movie Rec; Maynard the Cat; Pigs Riding Deer; Succubi Sex Positions; Tall Man; Hot Meat and Cold Salami. 
February 17, 2020
Date 26 - Settlin' Down w/ Derek Sword!
This week, Heaven-Leigh is joined by Derek Sword to discuss spooky places! We joke a lot about sleeping with cryptids, but what about when you find The One and are looking for the spot to settle down and begin building your new life? You'll need some real estate, maybe some villagers, and very tolerant neighbors. We take a tour of some of the hottest and scariest places found across the world in search of a forever home. CW: Torture, genocide against Indigenous North Americans, racism, CSA, JK Rowling, cattle mutilation. Featuring: first dates!; werewolf facts; snowman criminals; occult Nazi rituals; mix n' match cryptids; a life without chocolate chip cookies; Satanic panic; hitchhiker stories; cow crimes; past deaths; spooked ghosts!.Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
January 29, 2020
Date 25 - Interview Interlude with Lloyd Daylight!
This episode is a bit unusual. Did we get sidetracked from what we meant to talk about? Yes, of course! Was it a lot of fun? I THINK SO! Heaven-Leigh is joined by artist and musician Lloyd Daylight (find him on Instagram @lloyddaylight) to talk about boring home towns, demons, and the hidden racism in all our favorite alien jokes.  Also, I lost the file that had our introduction so I did the best I could from memory. CW: inappropriate relationships with teachers/people in power; graphic talk about sex. Featuring: Rockford, IL; Jeff Bezos Role-play; Capitalism is Killing Us; Strong Feelings on how Jung is Pronounced; Aliens!!!; Queer Empathies; Coffee ASMR; Sumerians; Are White People Balls Deep in the Caves??; Joanne Cantor; Demon Possession; Genetic Memory; BDD; All the Racism Hidden in Our Favorite Jokes; Mud Fossils. Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
November 13, 2019
Date 24 - We l o v e BIG BOYS!
Monsters come in all shapes and sizes, and this episode is about some of our favorite big, big boys. The bigger the boy, the better the hug. That's the saying, right? CW: cults, death. CW for Joey: snakes. Featuring: Babadook Spoilers, Tony Hawk's Unknown Origin Story, Bernie Sander's DC Ragers, SURPRISE PROMO!, Kate Clark Taxidermy.Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
September 26, 2019
Date 23 - Sorry for the Ghost
We really ghosted y'all for a second there, huh? But this episode is fresh and it's spppoooooookkkkkyyy! Ghosts galore! CW for possible animal abuse, csa. Featuring: WEIRD NEWS; A Very Good Camel Joke; Humongo Goose; Baberaham Kinkoln.Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!] p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'} p.p2 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 12.0px 'Helvetica Neue'; min-height: 14.0px}
August 28, 2019
Date 22 - CREEPIN'
WE ARE BACK! It's been a minute and a half (and a few months), but your favorite monster lovers are back with a pickled episode. If any of you can remember the listener poll, you wanted creepy and so creepy you get! CW for gun violence. Featuring: Sexy Ghost Voices; Point Break Point by Point Break Down; Hole Science; The Queen of England's Butthole; Being Touched by Strangers; Phil of the Future Got so Sexy.Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
August 14, 2019
Date 21 - Special Guest JASON!
Heaven-Leigh is joined by special guest Jason for a tour of hell. Featuring: Nerdsmith Sub Drive (+ a free recipe?); Food Nuggets; Unhelpful Pacts with Demons; Extensive Online Search Role Play; Rat.Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
April 25, 2019
Date 20 - Deep Sea Divin'
Our dates this week are a deep dive, so take a deep breath and prepare yourself because you. will. get. wet. And also drown. But hey, what's some light drowning between lovers? Featuring: [Warning: Two Sick Girls Incoming]; WeIRd NeeEEEWWS; Cat Infidelity; Horny Dolphins aka Dolphins; Sentence Construction Gone Wrong; Google Talks; Reverse Movies; Tiddyborn. Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
April 10, 2019
Date 19 - West Coast, Best Coast
The PNW is known for a few things: rainfall, serial killers, and Bigfoot. Also the very first episode of the X-Files and like all of Twin Peaks! But there is more to the luscious greenery and temperate climate than meets the eye. The PNW is chockfull of cryptid bachelors waiting for that special someone, and now is their time to shine. CW for disturbing animal facts and body horror. Featuring: Simon Pegg Dad Cast; Book Recommendations; Lessons from Capt. Janeway; The Town from Twilight and then the House from Harry Potter; A Wolf PSA; Gross Facts About Hyenas, Sorry; The Gruesome Politics of Centaurs. Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
March 05, 2019
Valentine's Day Special Episode - Is There a Fire in Your Pants or is That the VD?
A SECRET SURPRISE EPISODE NO ONE WAS EXPECTING! We are joined by two supremely sexy guests for a love fest, unlike anything you've seen before. For the first time, Elly can ask her potential dates a few questions. Shenanigans ensue. Thank you to our guests Kelli, the Opera Geek, and Tommy, aka Dave. Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
February 14, 2019
Date 18 - Let's Not Beet Around the Bush
VEGETABLES!! So, you wanted vegetables. You love corn, eh? YOU DESIRE CABBAGE? If so, maybe one of these tasty veggies will be what you're looking for. If you don't like vegetables, then perhaps this will reaffirm for you that you've made the right call. Featuring: Anti-Night Owl Bias; Cat Update; More Ladies in Tank Tops!; Star Trek Fan Cast: Jon Bernthal Edition; Hot Literary Head Canons; Literary Fan Cast: Jon Bernthal Edition. Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
February 05, 2019
Date 17 - I Bless These Dates in Africa
Three dates, one really big continent. Who stands a chance at finding love? One is an actual, literal god, so they do have that going for them. But the other could kill your enemies without even breaking a sweat. Priorities. Featuring: What Did Those Ancient Christians Do This Time?; Find the Run on Sentance; The Great Elephant Conspiracy.  Check out our Twitter for a link to our sources! Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
January 22, 2019
Date 16 - Someone to Keep You Warm
It may be getting cold outside, but these boys can keep you hot. They may not be able to control the temperature, and there is a chance you will catch on fire and maybe even die, but... you'll be nice and toasty. Featuring: Ears of Ice; Breakin' and Enterin' 101; Virgin Sacrifices; Beach Culture; Flamiens; Ring of Fire (not the song, like the bad kind); THANK YOU FOR PAYING FOR MY CAT'S SURGERY. Check out our Twitter for a link to our sources! Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
January 04, 2019
Date 15 - There is Nothing Mild About Captain Silver Booty
We travel across the world in search of love and the perfect temperature, looking high and low. These two are as different as can be, and although they may not be as famous as their cousins, there is a certain charm in anonymity. Featuring: Watch She-Ra or I Will Find You; ALIEN UPDATE 2K18; Illegal Medieval Art; Plump and Fertile Lake Monsters; Google Interlude; Shiny Rock:Dull Rock Conversion; Captain Silver Booty. Check out our Twitter for a link to our sources! Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
November 27, 2018
Date 14 - This Love will Never go Extinct
What they all have in common: scales. What makes them unique: how many buttholes they have. These four bachelors have been waiting for that special person to come into their lives for a long, long time. CW: brief gore, and mention of hate crimes. Featuring: THE ALIENS ARE HERE; literal butt munching; Marky Mark is Racist; Cracking a Cold Case w/the Boys; On the Fifth Day Bears Were Made, Upright and Uptight; Censored X-Rated Content. Check out our Twitter for a link to our sources! Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
November 15, 2018
Date 13 - Spooktacular Love
We didn't plan this, but this is our 13th and SPOOKIEST of all episodes, just in time for Halloween!  We recorded in an extra large, extra chilly room and there's a bit of echo, which only adds to the ambiance. Featuring: Layers of nightmare; Ghosts drunk on power; Sassy Siri; Unnecessary 'U's; Pumpkin Head (1988) is a good movie, and also spoilers for the movie sorry; 18th-century role play. Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]
October 30, 2018
Date 12 - Cause Baby You Got What They Need
Someday, you're going to find someone who loves you for what's on the inside - your blood. It's wet n' wild, and you're full of it. Jackpot! [Redacted due to fear of legal repercussions] isn't the only sexy vampire in town, and four hungry fiends are eager to show you what they got. CW: exsanguination, body horror, math. Featuring: The Sniffles; don't sue us Anne R*ce; Panic! @ the New England Gravesite; Family-friendly family riddle; the most Jewish number; too much math.SOURCESThe First VampireThe Great New England Vampire PanicEvolution of the VampireBachelor OneVampires.comEnacademicSingelton TwoVampires.comWikipedia Bachelor ThreeVamp MythThe DemoniacalWikipediaBachelor FourCSICryptidzLive ScienceHow Global Warming Creates Monsters
October 16, 2018
Date 11 - Talk About a Total Failure
YOU ASKED FOR IT. Experiments gone wrong is this week's topic, and it comes with a lot of content warnings: Suicide, body horror, gore, sexual assault, drug use, kidnapping, abortion, miscarriage, murder, graphic language. Featuring: Brain parasites; Google Talks!; A noisy computer fan that I couldn't fix in post sorry :( ; BFF road trips; Josh Hartnett (monkey?); Knife dance.Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]SOURCESBachelor 1Bachelor 2Bachelor 3Bachelor 4That Super Cool Article I Mention
September 25, 2018
Date 10 - Is This a Trick?
ELLY IS BACK - AGAIN! After a brief hiatus, your two favorite monster girls are back with a new batch of dates! These bad boys may be known for their pranks, tricks, and epic fails, but don't we all deserve a chance at love? Featuring: Bigfoot lawsuits, Zak Baggans erotic fanfiction, witch nipples, ...chemists..., otters (revisited), unrequited bird love, a well-traveled Gary, perfectly moist plants.Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!]SOURCES:Native LanguagesCanadian War MuseumThe 7th GenTofuguNew World EncyclopediaYokaiMythology.NetBritannicaAncient PagesVamzzzVan Duin, L. (2007)Cryptids GuideKurupiraLatin Folktales 
September 10, 2018
Date 9 - W/Special Guest TheNobodynoo!
This week our guest, TheNobdynoo, takes Heaven-Leigh on a tour of the Middle East. This episode has everything: good bois, giant animals, and the murderous creations of God. What fun!Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!] / Cover art by Eugenia, @Gennatis
August 13, 2018
Date 8 - w/ Special Guest Seth!
TAKE TWO on this special episode of Monster Crush! We are going on a tour of the United States with bachelors from Washington, Alaska, and Utah - a menagerie of potential loves. Featuring: A BRAND NEW THEME SONG, TTS (tech transmitted spirits), hot grandma, front pocket worms, graphic otters, bad Viking boats, wrestling boyfriends. CW for animal abuse and death.SOURCES (click through to the episode page for proper formatting and clickable links)Mysterious Universe - Bachelor Number 1PararationalEsoterxBigfoot EncountersAlaska Cryptozoology Institue Vox [Graphic Otter Stories]Mysterious Universe - Bachelor Number 3Utah Outdoor Activities [Racist Langauge]  Standard-Examiner Theme song by Seth David-Andrew Hubbard [Palmersmedic / Sender!] / Cover art by Eugenia, @Gennatis
July 31, 2018
Date 7 - That's Shifty
Elly is back! Heaven-Leigh saved your listener's choice for her return, so the two get fluid as they talk shapeshifters. These ain't you momma's werewolves. Featuring: Advice on where not to put alcohol, surprisingly heated Titanic debate, spoilers for the 1977 film Orca, fabric, VERY bad accents, the future is up-for-debate. CW for animal death and mention of sexual assault. SOURCES (Click through to the episode page for proper formatting and clickable links)Britannica Ancient PagesMyth and LoreSlavorumCryptidz - Bachelor TwoOffbeat MythologyCryptidz - Bachelor ThreeMythology.netIndiana University PressNavajo LegendsCVLT NationThought CatalogOur theme song is "Mischief Maker" by Kevin MacLeod (, licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 license. Cover art by Eugenia, @Gennatis
July 30, 2018
Date 6 - DnD Special Episode!
Elly is out of town, and so Heaven-Leigh is joined by a special guest; and this time, the tables have turned! Special guest Archmage Derek joins Monster Crush to talk Dungeons, Dragons, and Villians. Heads up: Heaven-Leigh is expecting a new microphone and had to whip out an old, old, bad one, and audio quality isn't the greatest on that end. Sorry! Featuring: Fantasy bros, SPOILERS, the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend/Punisher crossover no one asked for.CW for menstruation, pregnancy, and body horror.Our theme song is "Mischief Maker" by Kevin MacLeod (, licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 license. Cover art by Eugenia, @Gennatis
July 02, 2018
Episode 5 - Drrrrty
Two exhausted girls got together one early morning to bring you whatever this episode is! We are going elemental this week with some down and dirty monsters to love. Featuring: The elusive fifth taste, biology, sexy dads, temperature troubles, extensive role-playing, justice for Sherpas. Please click through to our episode webpage for sources.SOURCES:Sherpa (2015)Cryptidz - Singelton OneLive ScienceCryptidz - Singelton ThreeMythical Realm Cryptidz - Singelton Four"Mischief Maker" Kevin MacLeod ( under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License art by Eugenia, @Gennaitis
June 17, 2018
Date 4 - 'Til Death do you Hug
They're here, they're big, and they are going to hug the heck outta you! Only half of them are confirmed killers, which is a pretty good ratio for us. Featuring: A PSA on shorts, a PSA on cats, the evil hertz, bad academic skills, more about cats, black dogs of the UK, friendly kidnapping, cats. Please click through to our homepage for sources, everything gets all screwy in the iTunes description.SOURCESCryptidz Wiki - Singleton OneParanormal-Encyclopedia Mythology.NetCryptidz Wiki - Singleton TwoAlien Expanse Very Bizarre StoriesCryptidz Wiki - Singleton ThreeAll About DragonsCryptopia Britannica "Mischief Maker" Kevin MacLeod ( under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License art by Eugenia, @Gennaitis
June 04, 2018
Date 3 - There's Something in the Water
We are back from our short and unexpected hiatus with a handful of new dates to sample! We went a little dark this episode as requested by listeners, so be aware that there is mention of body horror, sexual assault, child death, and murder. Join us as we travel around the world to meet four ladies who are willing to put it all on the table for a chance at love. Featuring: fake disco bands, baptisms, hook hand PSAs, and realizing Medusa deserves better.Sources:Slavic ChroniclesAncient OriginsCVLT NationMythical and ParanormalLa Llorona Aswang ProjectMysterious UniverseCryptidzWyatt, J. (1995). On not being La Malinche: Border negotiations of gender in Sandra Cisneros's 'never marry a Mexican' and 'woman hollering creek.' Tulsa Studies in Women's Literature, 14(2), 243-271. doi:10.2307/463899"Mischief Maker" Kevin MacLeod ( under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License art by Eugenia, @Gennaitis
May 20, 2018
Date 2 - No Scientific Testing to be Seen Here
This week we take a small tour of the United States to visit one suitor with five identities. Despite their different origins, they all have one thing in common: they are willing to risk it all for a chance at love. Five bachelors enter, but can any of them score a second date and a coveted smooch? Featuring: animals who have academic degrees, liminal spaces, and CLIVE?!Also, everyone take a good look at our new COVER ART! It was done by the wildly talented Eugenia Méndez, and more amazing art can be found on tumblr @gennaitis.SOURCES:WashingtonianCryptidz.WikiaSan Diego ReaderExemploreCryptozoology & Paranormal MuseumThe IKASlateTerri Windling"Mischief Maker" Kevin MacLeod ( under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
April 15, 2018
Date 1 - What is a Cryptid? Plus: A Six Foot Vertical Leap
Elly's first date is a local boy that hails from her home country, England. He likes bangers and mash, clothes that are just tight enough to leave you wanting more, and terrorizing young women.SOURCES:Atlas Obscura The Cobra's NoseFolklore ThursdayHorrorpedia"Mischief Maker" Kevin MacLeod ( under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
March 31, 2018