Mystic Balls
By Cheyenne Walker and Nichole Arky
Mystic BallsApr 21, 2022
*Season 2 Finale* Sexy Stanford Prison Experiment
Klaus is back on his hybrid bullsh*t and Sheriff Ellen Degeneres accidentally shoots someone. Damon is dying from a werewolf bite so Elena feels bad and kisses him. Cheyenne and Nichole celebrate the season finale by getting drunk and going on multiple tangents including: why couples shouldn’t workout together, adult themes of suicide in The Incredibles, and vampire doms on Tumblr.
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2.21 Attending A Funeral In A Black BodyCon
Klaus gathers his team of goddess girl bosses to perform the much awaited ritual. The Squad fumbles the bag over and over while trying to save Elena’s life and forget to save Jenna’s. Nichole compares the new Bridgerton season to Euphoria and Cheyenne thinks everyone at the Grammys looked like a clown.
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2.20 Popping Your Werewussy
Klaus would be so close to executing his plan to become a vampire-werewolf hybrid if it weren’t for these meddling kids. Damon force feeds Elena his blood but feels bad about it. Caroline and Matt hide in a dungeon together and Elena is prepped for the sacrifice. Cheyenne and Nichole talk about the illegal slay drug celebrities use and learn the meaning of pizzle.
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2.19 Darwin Had A Breeding Kink
Damon and Stefan are upset because Elena is showing signs of self-sufficiency. Jenna finds out that vampires are real and Klaus has a body reveal. Cheyenne and Nichole play a deranged round of Smash or Pass.
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2.18 Daily Mail Demi
Mystic Falls High has another Decades Dance. Klaus is still stuck in Alaric’s body. Bonnie pulls the ultimate prank by dying. Nichole and Cheyenne dive into the cesspool that is the Snapchat Discovery feed. They also sing a lot (sorry.)
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2.17 Side Parts Are Back And We’re All F***ed
Elena becomes a homeowner. Bonnie steals the spotlight by deciding to sacrifice herself. Katherine is switching teams faster than a bi girl on tiktok and Alaric gets body-hacked. Nichole played Flappy Bird at Dave and Busters and Cheyenne was impacted at a young age by Jenna Marbles’ boob tutorial. They put their heads together to answer the age old question: would you bang your own doppelganger?
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2.16 This Girls' Night Is Brought To You By AT&T
Elena’s girls' night goes south when Luka gets set on fire. Caroline sings Eternal Flame by the Bangles. Katherine LARPs as Elena. Cheyenne finds out she looks way hotter as a man and Nichole discusses the current state of the cryptocurrency market.
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2.15 Babe, Your Décolletage Is Ravishing
Damon and Alaric throw a dinner party and serve up some murder. Stefan opens up about his bad boy past and Elena stabs herself. Cheyenne and Nichole fall to their knees in front of their podcasting equipment in regards to Rihanna's baby bump reveal and discuss the horrifying nature of influencer families.
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2.14 R.I.P. Sigmund Freud You Would Have Loved TVD
Elena and Stefan almost die during a baecation. Bonnie and Jeremy roofie Luka and then makeout. Nichole and Cheyenne beat the dead horse that is the West Elm Caleb story, review Netflix’s Cheer, and unpack how scary it is to pump gas.
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2.13 Throwing Cooch In The Mystic Grill
Jules tries to recruit Tyler into her wolf pack and Caroline gets tortured with a water gun in a trailer. Damon takes a bubble bath with a hot news anchor. Cheyenne is mistaken for a rapper and Nichole hates what white men have done to weed.
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2.12 Call Her Lennie
Damon is bummed because his slam-piece is dying from a werewolf bite, so he volunteers Elena to play nurse. Caroline finds herself in a love triangle and Jules tells Tyler more werewolves are a-coming. Cheyenne celebrates her 24th in a naked way and Nichole goes off the grid.
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2.11 When He’s Using You But He’s Using YOU
Tyler completes his first werewolf transition with the help of his sponsor Caroline. The gang traps Elena in her house because she keeps trying to unalive herself and Bonnie tries to de-spell the yoni egg with the help of Luka. Cheyenne talks about legendary girl boss Elizabeth Holmes and Nichole spreads Covid misinformation.
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2.10 It's God's Plan
Elena wants to sacrifice herself to Klaus and Jeremy risks his life to take the moonstone from Katherine. Caroline and Tyler discover the true erotic nature of turning into a werewolf. Cheyenne and Nichole say a hearty mazel tov to Trisha Paytas on her marriage and discuss newfound knowledge of Nancy Reagan’s top game.
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2.9 Fug So Hard Got Kicked Out Of Bulgaria
Elena interrogates Katherine about her past. Jeremy tries to seduce Bonnie but gets cock-blocked by a warlock. Damon and Rose try to find Klaus and end up finding their way into each other’s pants. Nichole comes out as a Charlie Puth stan and Cheyenne talks about accidentally playing a game of billiards.
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2.8 Shawn Mendes Contains Multitudes
Elena is held hostage at a gorgeous Neo-Classical mansion, Caroline spills the beans about vampires to Tyler, and Elijah makes a fruity first impression. Cheyenne and Nichole make a bet about a certain celebrity's sexuality and count down the days until Jeff Bezos is emperor of Mars.
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2.7 Oh, Were You Not In The Group Text?
Elena is in her Reputation era because everyone left her out to do a murder, Bonnie and Jeremy have some weird sexual chemistry, and Tyler accidentally kills a high schooler named Sarah. Cheyenne suspects she might be going through something and Nichole recounts the time she staked out a Dairy Queen parking lot.
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2.6 If You Can’t Handle the Torture Then Get Out of the Chamber
Mystic Falls is setting up for the masquerade ball and the goss has never been hotter. Jeremy and Damon set out to interrogate Mason about whether or not he’s been keeping the moonstone in his butthole, Bonnie finally forgives Caroline for killing her slam piece, and Elena wears jeggings. Stefan and Elena break up (it’s not a prank). Nichole fantasizes about being a court jester and Cheyenne is offended that she hasn’t been harrassed at the gym.
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2.5 Text Me When You Get Home From The Murder
Hot Uncle Mason is still on the hunt for the moonstone and Tyler and Jeremy have a bro out. The Salvator boys are nearly assassinated at a lemonade stand. Cheyenne and Nichole discuss the absolute chokehold Tiktoker Emily Mariko has on the girlies and claim that men should not be allowed to wear backpacks.
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2.4 Hella Wooed
Damon goes werewolf hunting at Aunt Jenna’s fake ass barbecue and Stefan tortures Katherine to find out why she is back in town. Elena is mad Stefan won’t text her back and they end up breaking up (as a prank). Cheyenne imprinted on a spaghetti squash and Nichole just knows OJ Simpson is Khloe Kardashion’s real dad.
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2.3 Reframe Your Mindset
Caroline is learning how to vampire so Stephen takes on the grueling task of babysitting her while Damon and Elena go on another road trip. Mason Lockwood is a werewolf (surprise!) and Alaric kisses Aunt Jenna. Nichole and Cheyenne inaccurately claim that Kacey Musgraves’s new divorce album was released in response to John Mulaney’s pregnancy scandal.
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2.2 Girl Mayor and Boy Boss
Caroline is transitioning into a vampire, Mystic Falls is hosting a dumb carnival, and Elena just wants to have a normal day! Damon and Stefan are trying to sus out what supernatural creature the Lockwoods are. Cheyenne talks about a recent run-in with a psychic and Nichole survived a panic attack on vacation.
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2.1 Flop Era
What does Mystic Balls and Katherine have in common? We’re both back and as unhinged as ever. Caroline is fighting for her life in the hospital after a near-fatal car accident, Jeremy tries to become a vampire, and Damon figures out he didn’t kiss Elena. Mason Lockwood makes his TVD debut at the mayor's funeral wearing a wifebeater and ill fitting jeans. Cheyenne and Nichole discuss The Bachelorette's masturbation ban and debate the ethics of 18 year old Olivia Rodrigo dating a 24 year old clout chaser.
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*Season 1 Finale* Take a Drink
Cheyenne and Nichole celebrate the season 1 finale with a Vampire Diaries drinking game. In the spirit of Founder’s day, Uncle John plans to kill all the vampires with the Gilbert invention. Meanwhile, Stefan is still worried that Damon and Elena are too close for comfort and Katherine makes her entrance. In the intermission, Nichole gets vulnerable and reads her poetry on the pod and Cheyenne gets targeted ads for Brazilian butt lifts.
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1.21 Heterosexual Panic
Isobel is back baby and she wants the invention! Bonnie’s bangs are still not great. Damon and Elena get closer which is weird for Stefan. Oh, and Elena’s uncle is actually Elena’s daddy. Nichole and Cheyenne talk Gabbie Hanna, laser hair removal, and how to be an LGBTQ+ ally when traditional gender roles are kinda hot.
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1.20 Go Piss Girl
Damon and Stefan flashback to the night they became vampires. Stefan has white boy guilt meanwhile Damon and Alaric team up to follow a lead on vampire MILF Isobel. Cheyenne talks about her trip to a bootleg summer camp and Nichole says she would not have a threesome with Cheyenne.
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1.19 Miss Mystic Balls
Elena and Caroline compete against each other in the Miss Mystic Falls pageant. Bonnie gets bangs and Stefan kidnaps a beauty queen. Nichole and Cheyenne butcher a british accent for a large portion of the podcast and talk about the sexual politics of cat people versus dog people.
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1.18 Gwyneth Paltrow would hate this
Mystic Falls is celebrating 150 years by throwing a big party where all the teens get drunk. Stefan is fiending for human blood after his relapse, Jeremy just won’t get over the death of his high school girlfriend, and Uncle John shows up. Nichole and Cheyenne argue over what constitutes legitimate cannibalism.
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1.17 Mystic Panera Bread
Elena, Damon, and Alaric team up to save Stefan from a vampire fraternity house while Caroline stumbles upon a dead body. Cheyenne is obsessed with Trisha Paytas and Nichole remembers the time she got blocked by the hottest girl at their high school.
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1.16 Lowkey No Cap
Stefan and Elena try to have a supernatural-free day by planning a double date with Matt and Caroline while Pearl is running a vampire content house. Nichole and Cheyenne discuss the Meghan Markle interview, reclaiming the C-word, and the time Cheyenne encountered the Kardashian children and their fleet of nannies at the park.
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1.15 The Stake Region of France
Mystic Falls throws a fundraiser raffling off the towns most eligible bachelors and Damon realizes he banged Elena’s mom/Alaric’s wife. Nichole and Cheyenne judge each other's oral hygiene habits.
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1.14 I Am The Girlboss Now
The gang finally opens the tomb to Bonnie and her Grams’s dismay. Cheyenne gets on her soapbox about the pitfalls of corporate feminism and Nichole has some confessions about her American girl dolls.
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1.13 Daddy Guiseppi is a German toymaker
The hunt for the magical cookbook continues, Bonnie is kidnapped after karaoke at Panera Bread, and Damon catches Stefan and Elena digging up a grave. Nichole and Cheyenne try to explain fracking and marriage equality.
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1.12 A Vampire Named Noah
Mystic High puts on a decades dance and a vampire brawl breaks out. Nichole misses Donald Trump and Cheyenne seeks male validation.
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1.11 GILF
Damon takes Elena on a road trip to a bar in Georgia. Stefan bonds with Bonnie’s hot grandma. Nichole and Cheyenne take an intermission to talk about the last time they pooped their pants.
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1.10 Quincest Baiting
Logan’s back and he’s still a 6/10. Mayor Lockwood tries to start a teen fight club. Caroline gets kidnapped and Elena and Stefan do it after a high school career fair. Cheyenne and Nichole reminisce about Miss-Me-jean-ass-rash.
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1.9 Rawr XD
There’s a new history teacher in town and he’s hot. Bonnie gets possessed in a jack and jill bathroom. Nichole wants to wear a corset not in a hot way but in a repressed way and Cheyenne finally escapes frog TikTok.
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1.8 Wrong Hole
Damon compels Caroline to throw a party. Stefan’s friend Lexi comes to visit. Nichole struggles with her fear of wearing outside clothes in her bed and Cheyenne talks more about vaping.
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1.7 Trauma Bonding
Vicki loses her shit. Nichole talks Cheyenne off of a body dysmorphia cliff and the girls discuss Justin Bieber’s claim that Anne Frank would have been a belieber.
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1.6 Ginger Snap
Nichole spoils a huge part of the show in the first 5 minutes. Vicki dances in her underwear to the dismay of Nichole and Cheyenne. Katherine makes her first appearance in a flashback to 1864 and is most definitely a top. The show continues to literally ignore slavery.
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1.5 Chicken Parm
Cheyenne and Nichole discuss the morality of hosting a sexy car wash fundraiser in honor of a dead teacher. Damon rots away in the Salvatore cellar while Stefan gaslights Elena again. Vicki calls out elitism and Bonnie overreacts.
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1.4 Sheriff Ellen Degeneres
Nichole and Cheyenne enjoy the Founder’s Ball! They rejoice as the show ends its makeout drought and question if men have the capacity for emotional intimacy. Shane Dawson comes up again and Nichole offers unwarranted relationship advice.
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1.3 Bed Crumbies
Cheyenne and Nichole cheer as Mr. Tanner is drained of his blood and discuss whether vampire/human sex is consensual. They postulate whether or not Elena is an attention whore for having dead parents.
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1.2 Elena's Henley
Nichole and Cheyenne get to know the characters of The Vampire Diaries. They also discuss the Chuck E. Cheese pizza conspiracy and kissing scene lighting.
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1.1 Brothers Pounding
In which Nichole and Cheyenne begin their Vampire Diaries journey. They argue about the respective hotness of each brother. Cheyenne claims she has been inundated by frog tiktoks.
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