Warm Mug of Phantom Poetry

Poems from my job and living in the woods

Welcome to episode 18 of njs warm mug of phantom poetry if you new the podcast I'm NJ Saroff a
Also known as the phantom poet on SoundCloud

This podcast best enjoyed a cup of tea and today's tea is


Today's poems are what someone would put on my tombstone, letters to your Shadow, where wind would take me and human
And the poem of the week is there is no greater crime than leaving by Bertolt brecht



What someone else would put on your tombstone

Here lies Natalie
my full name would be printed on my tombstone
I would not be able to make a correction or fix any of the gendered words used on to it
it would say she lies here or she lived a good life
She was a writer she was everything at the same time she was nothing she wanted to be she was a daughter, she was an actress, she was absolutely nothing
she she she
I was not a she when I died I want to be the he, the they,
I want people to respect the gender that I I found myself in
I want the name NJ printed on my stone I know that's a lot to ask for
I know that Natalie is the name they wanted
I know that Natalie has meaning
but I don't connect with Natalie it's like we're two different people in the room one is called NJ, the other called Natalie, NJ is demiboy or non-binary Natalie is girl we aren't friends we would walk by each other in the hallway and ignore the other
We do know that the other exists and that some people prefer one over the other
and that some wish that one would just go away and die
To die nameless to disappear and not bother any more to correct people on pronouns or names or the gender identity
How you say
daughter instead of child mother instead of parent gurl instead of pal sometimes I wish I was nameless formless non existent then they would have nothing to get wrong
But I exist so please just listen before you put me in the ground and move on




Letter to your shadow
Dear shadow
Shall I call you my dark twin
Surely you are not evil
You are simply a reflection
You take on my form, my outline
Magnify and shrink it
You desire the light though you aren't seen in the night
You are my longest and oldest friend
every time I've been alone not in darkness but in the light that shines you have found me and in a way almost held me
you do not speak
But maybe you do not need to
You do listen better than I do
I've always wondered what's it like on the other side for you
to always follow
to never go your own
to create their outline instead of your own
I wonder if you miss me the way I miss you when it is too dark or when I am under shade
I wonder if you think of me in those times when I am away
I wonder if you wait for the light
wait for the sun, smile at its arrival
or
if you don't want to be seen you want to hide if you want to remain invisible
dearest Shadow you are my oldest and longest friend
You have seen me through everything
You know all my secrets
I don't know if you wanted to
but you do
and now forever it will be just us two



I have vivid dreams my thoughts paint images of days and weeks that stretch on in 2 years my memories I fall asleep the colorful visions of old times I called myself an artist yet I seem to only produce my best work in my head never fully able to put it out on the paper with brush or pen a dream of my masterpiece the words flowing so quickly the brush not shaking in my hand I tremble at the thought of making something beautiful it's not that I don't think I'm beautiful I do think I'm beautiful but there's something mystical about art shape its words how do we humans feel worthy enough to make it why do we feel the need to capture all the moments around us
I call myself a writer I call myself an artist call myself a playwright I call myself a poet I call myself human and I think that's the only phrase that best describes me



Where I'd like the wind to take me
Back to the days of my youth
Back to when I was closeted
Back to when I claimed silence to be my one true friend
Back to dating simply so I could

Welcome to episode 17 of NJ warm mug of phantom poetry I'm NJ Saroff also known as the phantom poet on SoundCloud

This podcast is best enjoyed with a cup of tea and today's tea is


Today's poems are a poem for destructo, a poem to mousetrap, to Georgia and sunflowers by van Gogh and the poem of the week verses 1, 20, 21, and 51 from song of myself by Walt Whitman




To Georgia O'Keefe

Bathed in colors are the roaring flowers
springing to the curves of life
growing out of the page
blossoming into magnificent shapes,
paint droplets circling and bubbling around the edges
A flower, a forest,
It could be anything and everything
What do you find in the painting



Poem for mousetrap
I'm a glutton for food
Hearing my bowl get filled puts me in the mood
I love play
I lay on humans and make them stay give me attention all through the day
When I see a mouse I don't just pounce I stalk and wait till it's the perfect date to grab it up and eat it up
And say oh yum cause I'm a cat that likes to have fun
My fur is black like the night
I'm always ready to cheer my owners up just right
I jump onto there thighs when they want to cry and I purr till their filled with delight
I love to sit on laps
My name is mousetrap


Poem for sunflower Van Gogh
Van Gogh was not just a man of madness
His Happiest picture was maybe also his saddest
Sunflowers spark joy
Yet this painting seems coy
They sit in a vase drooping down
Missing the dirt missing the ground
Losing their petals
Waiting for the water to settle
Where did the sky go
The flowers do not know
They just hold their blooms
Filling the air with sweet perfumes

A poem to Destructo
In the box is where I'll stay
I do not want to come out and play
I want to lay in my box
Wait for lovely to pet me in the box
Sometimes I do like to climb
My fur is nice and fluffy
All the humans think it's so lovely
And lick my fur to unwind
If I see a mouse I get ready to pounce
I always miss but my owner still gives me a kiss
They love me even when telling me no
My name is Destructo

The final poem for this week is song of myself by Walt whitman
Walt Whitman was an American poet, essayist, and journalist. Bornin May 1819, he was a humanist, who was a part of the transition between transcendentalism and realism, incorporating both views in his works. Whitman is among the most influential poets in the American canon, often called the father of free verse. He Died in March of 1892



Song of Myself (1892 version)

BY WALT WHITMAN

1, 20, 21,and 51

I celebrate myself, and sing myself,

And what I assume you shall assume,

For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.


I loafe and invite my soul,

I lean and loafe at my ease observing a spear of summer grass.


My tongue, every atom of my blood, form’d from this soil, this air,

Born here of parents born here from parents the same, and their parents the same,

I, now thirty-seven years old in perfect health begin,

Hoping to cease not till death.


Creeds and schools in abeyance,

Retiring back a while sufficed at what they are, but never forgotten,

I harbor for good or bad, I permit to speak at every hazard,

Nature without check with original energy

What I miss
I dreamed of you last night the way you used to be, the way you felt, the way you seemed, on the outside, never who you really were, on the inside, you are so much different in my dream, almost like, how you used to be, at the same, time better than who you ever were, I dreamed I could pick you apart, and then put the pieces back together, and we could start over, but we don't even talk anymore, we don't even see each other, I don't even know if you're alive or not, I hope you're okay, I hope you're good, but at the same time I wish I didn't care, I wish I didn't still think about you, I wished, that when we stopped conversations, that my life stopped having you in it, in my head, but it didn't, I didn't, I never stopped, I think what sucks is that the world keeps spinning, and I'm spinning in an entirely different direction than the earth, and I get dizzy easily, from all the thoughts clustering in my head, I don't know how to stop them, I obsess over them, you used to silence them, with the simplicity that was you, I think that's what I miss most, not you persay, but the silence you gave to me, the quiet, I know you weren't good for me, and I know I wasn't good for you, I know the two of us together were thid toxic Force, we just drove each other crazy, but I do miss you I know you don't care about I know you won't even see this, I know you don't miss me. But I still miss the idea of you and I don't know what to do
April 14



. For these next 2 poem the prompt I chose to do came from 2 separate final sentances the first comes from the April edition of poetry magazine the part The part that makes me want to close my ears and run away and buy unsettling me so profoundly convinces me of her Divinity her demand that I recognize in myself the humanity she sees and she summons us to see as her Offspring and her dwelling place as love is revealed

Love
There's a part that wants us to close our ears and run away run so far that we will not know how to return back,
We will forget who we are
We will forget where we came from
And we will never return and we think this is all well and good until we miss her until we miss the world until we miss all that came before us
all that once existed
And she in her beauty and divinity, in all her grace and pleasure
She will call to us
She'll so profoundly convince us to recognize ourselves and the humanity she sees so present in us.
She summons us to see, as her Offspring, and her dwelling place, the love slowly being revealed that we tried to hide away from. She will love, it is all she knows how to do,
she will love us even when we curse the name of love,
She will love us even when we cannot love ourselves, She will hold us when there is no one to hold us,
She the grace and beauty this invisible force
We do not see her
But she is there
And Sometimes we do not want her
But she is there from afar she is lonely
And she only craves to make us happy
To hurt or the harm was never Love's intension, Though we may believe it to be,
We want to close off
We want to run away we want to forget her beauty and her grace her pleasures that she gives to us
We want to see no more of her and forget ourselves
Love is in her dwelling place
She continues to call, continues to reach out, continues to wait
She has not given up on us
So we can not give up on love.


The Other quote is from Circe by Madeline miller the final sentance of that book was
I lift the brimming bowl to my lips and drink

Esteem
I lift the brimming bowl to my lips and drink,
I inhale with each sip.
I take every last drop in.
Then I lower the bowl and smile.
For so long I was afraid to even hold this bowl
To even look at it
Now it's in my hands
Now it's empty
I have done what I thought I'd never do.
I have taken a sip.
lt has felt wonderous, beautiful,
I breathe in
Finally,
A sigh of relief,
Of thanks,
I didn't think I was worthy of taking the sip
Of drinking in the whole bowl

Here is Jen Fagala reading it's wild geese by Mary oliver

You do not have to be good.You do not have to walk on your kneesfor a hundred miles through the desert repenting.You only have to let the soft animal of your bodylove what it loves.Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.Meanwhile the world goes on.Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rainare moving across the landscapes,over the prairies and the deep trees,the mountains and the rivers.Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,are heading home again.Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,the world offers itself to your imagination,calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting -over and over announcing your placein the family of things.


What disociating feels like
Sometimes I forget I'm writing
While I'm actaully writing
It's like I'm just watching myself writing
Like I'm focussed on it but zoned out while doing it
It's like riding a bicycle and looking up at the sky and you forget your pedaling and feel like you're just walking while watching looking up at the clouds, I guess it's odd to use that metaphor because I still don't know how to ride a bike, some would say this means writing is fluid to me comes naturally I can do it in my sleep, but I think it's cause my mind drift, its like I'm on another planet but I don't know how I got there maybe it's a moon because I can feel the gravitational pull of another planet pulling me down and I can do nothing about it I'm from another planet I feel like I'm watching everything it's a completely different planet then the first two mentioned but there I am watching this moon be pulled by another planet through a telescope and I am Bound by telescope unable to Move It from that position of watching and yet I even look through a telescope in years so how can I use a metaphor about telescope when I don't even know how to use one.
Sometimes while doing something I feel like I'm not the person doing it, like I'm not really there, it's like being trapped in a cloud which is partially gas, but distracted you because it's fluffy and light, and as it floats away with you in it you see that it's hard to capture it hard to pull it down so you lay in the sky stuck to the cloud, watching from above the life that is happening with someone who is you but doesn't feel like you. I've never touched a cloud never felt a cloud I just know how to describe them but maybe they aren't like that at all, maybe disociate is something indescribable like the cloud.

I disociation, tiptoe away from reality and begin to tell someone else story, I tell of the lives of others that effected me, but not my own story, my mind wanders away from the page and I think about the people who die in winter i wonder how do you dig a grave in the cold frozen soil beneath the fresh snow of the morning Ground. I should not be thinking about death while breathing life into these words while giving birth to a poem but I am, maybe we look up at the sky, not because we see the beauty but draw our eyes away from falling off the flipped over bike.


Vaccination for anxiety: after plath
By N. J. Saroff 2018

The moans of those lost never wanting to be found are left to their own devices they shake the building with their vibrations, the walls inhale their cries of pain, the paint chips off and sticks to the hollow grave yard beds they sleep in.

In the middle of the night doctor depression walks in the door squeaking open, I do not wake to the sound of his presence. His sharp needle stabs me in the brain, injecting me with a sadness serum, I do not flinch, I have come to expect this ritual, I only exhale fog into the cold empty night of darkness.

The white of the room is stained yellow by age, the sheets once grey have a brownish tint to them now, the nervous nurse closes the window, chaining the balcony to stop the flyers. The rainy winds flood the lake, we drown ourselves in bath tubs, our burial homes swept away by the storm.

Episode 13
Welcome to episode 13 of NJ warm mug of phantom poetry
If you're new to the podcast I'm NJ Saroff also known as the phantom poet on SoundCloud

This podcast is best enjoyed with a cup of tea

this week we've had this huge outpouring pandemic of coronavirus I did not run any poems about coronavirus but I have written poems about being sick not physically sick because that topic is always just weird for me I hate being physically sick but mentally sick is what I wanted to talk about specifically depression and PTSD while my anxiety makes me very sick I decided that I would kind of extend this topic over two ways cuz there's just so many poems and I'll talk more about my anxiety next week today's poems are anxiety arrose, how is your day, mirror conversations and depression feel like,
And the poem of the week
Is the loneliest sweet potato by Sara benaim and butterfly the gnarled by Amy king



Anxiety arose trembling hands fight frail weakness of my body my knees crumble as I shiver into a puddle of nervesmy brain is lying with the unfocused loud energy of racing thoughts that can't be silenced I tried to sit but can't try to stand still but it won't constant motion fills my limbs spiking my heart rate into a frenzy is shiki smile creeps upon my mouth trying to hide my violent hyperventilating I have forgotten how to breathe I do not know how to stop I am having a panic attack and all I wanted to do is let go of the world and get out of my head and flee my body





How was your day
How's your day she asked from across the table I took a breathe in to remind myself I had to be stable it's been an uneventful day a Lazy day wishing to fade away to lay in bed, not talk instead to be lonely tired anxious annoying not inspired lack of vivacious you see I do not want to do anything today my mind is a black hole of a mess the stars that used to be glimmering in my eyes have faded I am now just explosions Fireballs asteroids the meteor shower coming in your direction I have nothing to offer today I am no Blue Sky I don't really want to be alive today is one of those days and doing my clothes are the only thing that might bring me some kind of joy I'm exhausted drained I feel like somebody actually dumped a whole trash load on to me like I am the dumpster or maybe I'm the sink drain and you decided today was the day to clog the sink with all of the issues and I don't mean you as in the person across the the table I mean you as in my depression and anxiety, today is not a good day I am an emotional wreck like I feel like I got into a car crash while I was asleep and I woke up unable to move for most of the day and the pain mentally and physically was the worst thing, I've barely eaten I've barely gone near the stove I'm literally just sitting in my coat here talking to some stranger who will only hear half of what I'm saying my underwear from yesterday is still on, my clothes are just barely changed I haven't showered yesterday took a bath so that's a start and I swore I was fine yesterday but right now I am not fine most people by now know this is not unusual they know that there are days when I completely hide myself in the world lock myself in the room, like go into a box where the sun can't find me turn off my phone, play music really loud on my record player read a fucking poetry book and ignore my existence, there are plenty of days when I see many messages me and I say hey I don't feel like talking today there are plenty of days when I make my Facebook status of do not disturb there are plenty of days when I say could you please just shut the fuck up because my brain hurts and it wants to leave my fucking skull so could you please just go I'm sorry I need to be alone and I know this is rude but it's one of those days when I just want to be left alone and I want to go home crawl in my bed and just hide for a few hours and forget that there is life that I have to live, that there are things that I have to do,

Episode 12
Welcome to episode 12 of NJ warm mug of phantom poetry
If you're new to the podcast I'm NJ Saroff also known as the phantom poet on SoundCloud


This podcast is best enjoyed with a cup of tea


This week I wanted to talk about memories I'm very good at picturing memories but not as good at holding onto the when and where of memories but poetry has helped me record important memories in my life
Im including a trigger warning today as 2 of the poems I chose mention sexual assult and trauma and self harm
This week's poems are how, wishes, and a poem to owings mills and the poem of the week is permanent home by Mei-mei Berssenbrugge,

How by naticat

I fell in love once Maybe twice now that I think about it Okay I’m sure I have only ever been in love 3 times. Each one ended different, he didn’t want me to be anything more than his fuck buddy, she didn’t like me the way I liked her, and they only liked the idea of dating me, not actually dating me. Suddenly surrounding me are people with very real emotions Very real feelings for me what am I to tell them, being honest seems so dishonest and wrong yet its who i am, I just want a fuck buddy who is just as inappropriate as I am, I just don’t like them the way they like me, I just prefer the idea of dating rather than actually dating How can someone love someone who has become the mere thing that the person they loved hated the most, how can someone look at that person they love and even utter the words I love you to them, I never wanted to be this way, I was sculpted this way by others, its not my fault, I give you a chance then I push you away . You ask me what I want but I Dont know, I never know. You say I can fall in love again, but I fall out of love so quickly You Dont want me, Dont tell me you need me, I am no good for you. When I fall in love I Dont stop being in love the feeling never goes away. I’m still hurt inside from those 3 who I know didn’t mean to hurt me. How can you love someone like that? You deserve better than this.



I wish my mind mesmorized recipes over bed sheets, birthdays over hand prints,
Book quotes over those lies
I want to remember appointment times, instead of the anger lines that creased against his face
Recall the flavor of hot cocoa not the way his lips taste against my skin
Can I remember song lyrics instead of the bed we slept in
I don't want to replay the way he stole my breathe away
How his sigh ate my cries for help
I feel so frantic in the places we used to go, a simple trigger and once again my tongue can't form a single word but no.
Sometimes I find myself picking at this wound on my brain maybe if I drive myself insane I'll forget him.
Be able to hold on to the memories of my lover Kiss, or old photographs, or the morning mist
I want to remember the good parts of my life
Not the metaphorical way he dug in his knife
Sometimes I find myself waking up in his room even when I am so away from that house of doom
And I just want to cry, cry about the nights, rid every nerve of the guilt from all the fights
But I have carefully tucked his touch into every crevice of my body, made sure i couldnt escape his laugh in my ear, I still drown in his scent, and deep down I think I still care,
I check his Facebook profile once a month to see who's remained friends with him despite the fact they know what he did, every time the number goes up, anger boils in me and i can feel it about to erupt
I can not eject the shards he left me with, they dig into the cuts that reject the process of healing
I am left with gripping onto him the same way he held onto to my limbs
Careful not to leave a see able mark, but visibile anytime love leaked out of my heart.
2-15-19


When i was younger I remember how clean the streets were they used to glisten shine in the sunlight when you're young you think everything is alright but now trash lines the Roads and I don't know where to go so I stay in owings mills, ive lived in owings mills 13 years,

I wish savored your lips
I wish I gave you one more kiss
I should have memorized your skin against mine
I should have asked you for more time
I wonder if in a few months you'll forget me
And I'll be a distant memory
I want know if you really meant that you wanted us to be just friends or if in a few years it all come crashing to an end
We'll go our separate ways
Lie to eachother about how everything's okay
Do you think we'll miss the other
Or will we force ourselves to move on with another
Cause I don't want to try this anymore,
This searching only to end up at closed doors
your voice is in my head
As I imagine lying in your bed
Us saying those 3 Words
But now I want to leave them gone and unheard
I can't erase your face
I miss the way that you taste
This just doesn't feel fair
Why am I stubborn? why do i care?
If I pretend it isn't real
Maybe it will fix itself and we'll quietly heal
But it's happened its in the past
Like summer it's not going to last
Fall will arrive with it's dying leaves
We'll grow again find new pieces
I'm just waiting for the funeral
When the body won't feel so dull
When I look into the coffin and see our love
And how in an instant it finally came undone



What we dont say

We don’t say I love you
We don’t say I miss you
We don’t say I’m thinking of you
Sometimes we don’t even say good night
That’s not even polite
I send you well wishes
You’ve left my emotions needing stitches
We act like just friends
If only i had this end
If i could rewind
If we had just taken our time
If we could just say it again
I love you my friend
You’ll always be more to me
You helped set my heart free
Picked me up when I would fall
Listened to my boundaries and walls
I swear you gave it your all
But you said you didn’t get the butterflies
So now I’m stuck here about to cry
My heart still flutters
Some nights i still mutter
They come out in a stutter
Those 3 words
Its probably absurd
Cause you don’t feel the same way
I wish I was okay
I wish you could stay
I wish i didn’t have to go away
You say you’re still here
But i don’t see you any where
Kisses don’t feel the same
The numbness is to blame
Why are we dragging this through the earth
Letting it collect mud and dirt
I don’t hate you
I never will
Yet still
I wish it was different
Cause we don’t say the things we used to
We dont say the things that matter
As we grow apart we both grow sadder
I wanna run and get out
Figure out how to forget about
The nights in bed
The things you said
The hugs that were so long
How you hold me and it still doesn’t feel wrong
I look into your eyes
I could live in the feeling of being mesmerised
Take my hand
One last dance again
But we don’t
We wont
We don’t say the things we used to
And i still love you



lead on

the longer i stay

the more youll get hurt

yes i love you

love the way your lips feel

love the way you smell

love the way you laugh

love the way your voice feels against my ear when we lie next one another

love the way your hand fits in mine

love the way you smile

staring into those blues grey sometimes green eyes, i couldnt see my life without you

but when you are lying next to me

sometimes i dont want to have sex

sometimes i just want to hold you close and cry

but the longer i hold your hand

the longer i kiss you

the longer i keep you laughing

the longer i stare into your eyes

the more i wish i could tell you the truth that this hurts

that sex hurts

by saying nothing i am finding myself each day hating who I am

you dont deserve someone awful like me

who will never crave you the wave you crave me

i dont even see myself as a girl, you think i am a girl, but i dont feel like a girl

i am not always attracted to men atleast not sexually or maybe im not attracted to you

but i like you

i just dont want to have sex with you’

but i need you to let me go








To the one I cant let go of

I’m sick of telling this lie
Faking okay as you leave and walk on by
I don’t wanna cry
I sit in bed unable to try
The

This podcast is best enjoyed with a cup of tea and today's tea is white tea with RaspberryFlower Lady the poem for Brianna lime leaves and sunshine flowers darling would you count the hours lady laughter warm sand color a firecracker reading energy or smile pink like rose of friendship Daydreamer light Beamer never a moment of dull or gray she takes the rain clouds paint them blue with Sky Ray's she sings the song The Birds hum along she takes the words on the page reads life into each so strong graceful nothing out of her reach no one's like her no one can compare so modest so unaware of just how amazing she is any day by her side is a day of Adventure she is Joy at the center she's a memory you want on endless replay She lays down on the field of grass e greens the world knows now what beauty means her, flowing are Brown waves around her face hair blowing in the wind with such Grace carmelize filled with such love and passion one feels mezmorized by everything she sets her mind to you don't know what next she'll do oh flower lady Sky fairy laughter dreamer won't you stay awhile and sit with me.




Nostalgia mirage
A poem for Miguel
The sky isn't clear the spitting rain escaping the lips of clouds, tumbles into open lakes, snapshot memories of sunny day, bright nights, those starry Eve's, a friend like a tree still there despite the ever changing weather, roots buried in the ground like days past not dug up till change becomes inevitable. There is jar of moments, of better hours spilling out of the top, pouring over the sides, leaving it's mark on time, remember when things were simple, where someone else's hand held onto yours and kept it warm in the cold, it all used be easy you swear, the remarkable self tries to recall everything that once was begs to go back there, but your feet keep moving in the opposite direction you are dragged on by the wind, where did it all go?


with love to a temporary friend
That after 379 pages came to an end
inked and wild
transporting to the world of the mind of a child
pages folded to mark our favorite spots
little notes in the corners fade into dots
each chapter a memory
for a book is a friend that's only temporary
its smooth soft cover
or hard one like no other
as the book was read a rush was felt
pulse wasn't steady and our hearts began to melt
so much to offer in this book
things we didn't expect at out first look
the adventure and places we saw
the maps and animals we later draw
inspired to read more
for just one book opens doors
here's to everyday spent together
i wont forget a single letter
it was a great time
You will always be a forever friend of mine
thank you temporary friend
for 379 pages till the very endFor lo
The moon cast its shadow upon the night the stars lit the way home to what I loved had left my mind forgetful was I. I felt the trees tangle around my ankles, pull me in and become one with them. I felt a leaving then a longing. Suddenly I was not the being I was minutes ago in the woods, and nature had stole my soul ever so slightly and I longed to have it returned. But it feeds upon the earth and leave me baren. The walk to where I was going and planning to go no longer felt important. I was no more. As I approached the door I discovered I could not open it. I was like the wind just a breeze. I was a shell on a shore. I, a hollow opening wishing to be filled. But I could not fill it. For my soul flew among the birds and took to the sky. Sinking into the mud and river, I was alone, yet I did not feel lonely, because the world around me was so alive with evening voices. This gave me a sort of reason to go on. And so I did, with out a soul, with out a body, with out a heart, with out a form, I grew my branches, and stemmed out my roots. I became one with what was around me, and I loved it.

Catching feelings-
He told me he loved me last night
I wanted to ask how
I wanted to ask why
I wanted him to explain it as if I was a math equation and love was the answer to solving me
fixing me but it's not
I'm sorry
I don't even say I'm sorry anymore
I just shut up quiet down
No one will hear me leave
Because I wont dare make a sound
I don't like talking about myself
Except in poetry, somehow it feels more filtered there
like not the ugly coffee grounds I have wont make it into your coffee in the morning
Maybe he doesn't love me he just loves the idea of me
I'm afraid
I don't even say I am afraid these days
My mouth shivers with anxiety
and no one ever gets that close to me
but he's getting close to me, falling in love with me
or so he says
I'm paranoid
scared he'll find the real me behind every carefully placed brick of this wall,
scared he'll not like what he sees
or worse,
scared he'll actually love me
and I hate me,
I don't tell him this
but I do believe he knows this
I don't know how anyone could love someone who won't even bother liking themselves.
I think I am ugly
Except when he calls me pretty
I feel like crying in his arms honestly
Am I really allowed to have the answer this time?
Maybe I'm not meant to be solved
I'm not some project after all.
Maybe I am not afraid or sorry that he loves me
Maybe I'm just scared to love me.
January 12 2019

Kiss me
Kiss me with your smile
Ask me to stay awhile
Kiss me in the moonlight
Tell me it's alright
Kiss me with one hand on my waist the other on my butt
Kiss me because you don't give a fuck
Kiss me with your words
Kiss me because it means everything
Kiss me because you want to
Kiss me like you knew it was right
Kiss me like your life depends on it
Kiss me like tomorrow won't come
Kiss me because maybe we'll have another day to kiss again
Kiss me sloppily
Kiss me with those wet soft lips I've always wanted to taste
Kiss me as were laughing
Kiss me while we're crying
Kiss me before we sleep
Kiss me as we are waking up
Kiss me in the rain
Kiss me in the sunshine
Kiss me no matter the weather
Kiss me cause you like to kiss me I'd like to kiss you,
I'd like to know what your lips on mine feel like
I wanna kiss you no matter the weather
Kiss you in the rain
Kiss you in the snow
Kiss you and not let go
Kiss you as you fall asleep
Kiss you as your eyes return to open
Kiss you in the middle of the song while you're singing
Kiss you as you begin to giggle
Kiss you to know what it's like to kiss you
Kiss you when you need comfort
Kiss you when you need quiet
Kiss you because we might not get another day
Kiss you because we still have tomorrow
Kiss you even if some say it's wrong
Kiss you feircely
Kiss you and have it not mean anything
I'll kiss you because I want to because I need to
I kiss you for awhile
Till we're both left with smiles
Kissing you in the sun light
Kiss me and it feels right
Kiss me and I'll kiss you.


Falling in love on the foot path
I wanna lay in the grass
As you exhale the breeze
Your breathe against my neck is calming to me
Can I get lost in your scent?
The way birds lose track of flying when they sing their song.
Will you hold me safely but not too closely just enough but still with space to grow
Just enough to know someone needs me
Will you try not to forget me the way we forget the sun when it rains
Can we wash the tears down the drain
I wanna fall asleep next to you, eyes met, no regret with nothing to do
Am I worthy of table for two
Of the love you give so sweetly
Can we just be here existing, maybe kissing, are you listening to the way I'm learning to be okay
Do you care, because I'm oh so aware, that if I dare, be honest and open I might scare you away.
I feel exhausting from the changing sensations, the spikes in tempature, leaves falling becoming snow, I just hope you won't get sick of me
Don't let go
Love is natural
I've been told it comes from within
But do the fish ever forget how to swim?
Can I like being in my skin
I'm trying to want

today's tea is lavender chamomile rose tea


Drifting down into the somber feelings for you:
I find myself think of you, and for a moment the rainy night sky sparkles,
Its bright and warm even when you're not around,
I fall asleep fall in in love to the way your memory leaves a sound
"Everytime you kiss my forehead I fall more in love" he said
I fall more in love every time you kiss me,
there's this silence in my brain, its so beautifully blissfully
I fall in love every time I try to count the freckles on your back as my finger traces the curves of your spine
I fall in love every time the songs you like come on, I cant stop playing them on rewind
I fall in love with your exhales the way you smile when you breathe out
I fall in love so simply because youre so lovely.
I didn't expect to fall so suddenly yet so sweetly
my heart beats so warm and wonderfully
I am falling in love with the way you talk, for hours about anything, especially music
I am falling in love with your arms around me in bed, I might almost just loose it
I am falling in love with your eyes, not just the way they shine, but how you don't even need to say a word, I can just look into them know
I am falling in love with the way you always listen and make me feel like I'm heard
In the night we are singing, and laughing, and smiling and crying, Let me stay lying down beside you.
I am falling in love and not wanting to leave,
I am falling in love and forgetting how to breathe
I am falling in love, and the remembering how to laugh, did you know you caused that?
Did you know that I cant stop thinking about you?
I am falling into something I am so afraid to put myself through
and yet, I don't stop myself,
I'm not very good at poetry, not very good at falling, I'm not even good probably at loving you, but I don't know if it matters I hope I am at least good enough to say
I am falling into you, and you look over say you're catching feelings too.


How to know your in love
The thoughts you think are not what they normally are Falling asleep becomes way too hard Dreams stop being an escape The food you eat has lost all taste And oddly its magical The bewildering feeling has a pull You need them by your side Its like the independent part died Why let yourself fall Why not try to forget the memories your mind wants to recall You lose your reason You feel lost in your favorite season And yet you want it more This love has opened a new door There are no recollections of previous And to everyone else you seem mysterious You’re just saying how you feel But to the rest of the world thinks it isn’t real Love drive you high and takes you away And the feeling can’t disappear, it stays Sometimes that’s okay But other days, the feeling of love is the worst Its a paralyzing curse But it pulls you in Till you can’t remember where you been I love you And maybe your feelings will ensue But not now Not before curtain call or our first bow Please get off my mind I forgot how to be kind I wish there was a sign A sign to tell me its over Love makes me hate being sober And yet I crave For you to just wave And miss me The way I want to kiss thee


To tumble
To fall To stumble Its graceful in all Unless you mumble I came to love you My heart got caught There was nothing I could do So you're friendship I sought In your dazzling eyes Listening to that calming voice It was a surprise Tripping for you wasn't a choice You're arms like wings You pulled me into a safe place You make my smile sing And my heart race I miss you before I go sleep I think of you when I wake I tumbled far and deep You repair what others like to break I look at you and I find things I miss The person I was, am and will be You pull me to your face for a kiss I remember self love I had toward me And it's thanks to the things you say And thanks to the things you do You make things okay I mean it when I say I love you.

Empty valley on blank pages
By njsaroff 2017
There are only valleys filled with memories of you
Rivers of moments flowing through the pathways of the head
Bloated with what is left of you
The lips that used to speak are glued together as you come toward them
Like an unseen ghost in this haunted house of a body,
Dead on the inside from the abandonment
The house still feels every inch of you
Still feels your teeth biting on the skin
Sharpening were your nails,
Like claws,
Those knives striking the bones,
Grinded into pieces
When you left,
Thorns grew in the heart
Tore away at what remained of the soul
The hands you used to hold are consumed by the need to write
But sentence that once came to life are wiped clean by
An imagination that can only thinks of you
The fingers can not clasp the pen to write
Blank stay the pages like the crevices of the mind
In the corners of the brain lies your memory
Feeding on the person from the past like a leach
You still reach inside the spirit,
Take the last pieces of emotions and turn them into shard
Shrapnel
Sharp glass that impales anyone nearby with the slightest of movement
No words come
No thoughts of the person who used to exist return
Lungs gasp for air in an empty room but there is nothing to suck in
No way to breathe
Shell of an older form
Feelings of numb
Everything is hollow
Like no blood runs through the limbs
Like thoughts have deserted from every part
Turning into voices that can’t escape the mouth
The moment replays,
Every color of you fills the space
Fills the body
Once again like it did that night
Seasons and smells
Sounds and flavors
Never leave
Enter the body
Latch on,
They come in like you did
Unannounced
Unwanted
Unwilling to leave
Creeping in
Smothering anything of what was
It's all gone now,
It's all boring
It's all blank valleys written on empty pages.
11/15/18

He liked to set fires
So it's no wonder he lit the match inside my body
forced me to burn alive
So he could keep his cold unbeating chest warm,
He didn't care about the homes he destroyed,
he just wanted to watch everything go up in flames
Every time he turned on the stove, I watched his eyes dance like tinder,
his fingers melted my skin, like wax, my words became a puddle of oil,
He turned my "no" to anything to just keep me from the 3rd degree,
Anything to turn my not-yes in to “well, maybe,”
To keep me from giving him
The cold shoulder. It doesn’t take long
Before these lungs begin to
Smoulder
I feel numb, as the Sparks still hit the rocks with a gentle hum
I am filled with the memory of his smoke
How my ears miss the sounds i made when i choked,
I've began to romanticize his arsen like tendencies, no longer something to fantasize, there were no remedies
I think I craved being the charcoal, his fuel, I was his tool
Now there is ice in the spots he used to be and I still can't get my voice out my throat
I remember how
In his presence it didn't even feel like 5 degrees needed a coat
There are icecles hanging on my spine, the smog he left will always be apart of this body i call mine
I don't think I miss the burning, I just think i miss the warmth of someone who never loved me.
©N. J. Saroff
1-17-19