Romancing Nancy Drew

It's Halloween and Ned's working on a marketing project with some VERY dramatic Emerson seniors! They're in River Heights giving out free samples of proto Proactiv and being snippy. Also, Bess falls for one of said seniors before literally falling out of her chair. Nancy, Ned, and George try to find out what KO'd Bess, and of course there's some making out. And pumpkins. Fantasy cast is Ryan Gosling, Jonah Hill, Florence Pugh, Anne Hathaway, and a cameo from Kevin Nealon because why not.

Nancy's father asks her to connect with a jeweler, Mr. Moto, who was robbed of an expensive pearl necklace which belongs to a socialite (Paris Hilton). Nancy and Carson end up heading to Japan and are threatened with math riddles! Then they come back and Ned escorts Nancy to a cult party while they're in full prom. It's bonkers and the last of the Mystery Stories (real ones, anyway)!

In which Nancy channels Steve Irwin and hangs out with wildlife. Carson's old college buddy Mr. Gonzalez has fallen for a crypto scam and Nancy and the girls head to Florida to check it out. This one is flat out bonkers. There are also submarines, though, so at least there's that.

In which the lambs are quite loud! Nancy's old friend, whose family owns a pretty big sheep farm, invites Nancy to check out a mysterious parchment picture that her dad recently bought, and then Nancy gets involved in a weird Hitchcock/Sopranos crossover episode featuring human trafficking. So, a normal week for her. Also, Nancy invites her entire entourage to the farm for some undercover work, as usual.

Nancy takes flying lessons while Bess decides to live out a western romance novel. George is the rodeo clown. Most of the mystery is based on the disappearance of a pilot (Robert Pattinson?) and a weird medallion and a horse theft and a bizarre cloud, and in the end, I blame L. Ron for everything.

Nancy, who should be wildly unqualified for it, is called to help decipher clues leading to a possible treasure related to a long-abandoned indigenous settlement near Las Vegas. Ned, her common law husband, has arranged it since they are super traumatized from his kidnapping in Glowing Eye and need to hang out, and/or chase down clues. The Scientologists living near her, as always, try to mess her up. Also there's gleeful desecration of indigenous human remains, which was NOT GREAT, BOB!

Ned is missing and Carson has a sidepiece. Nancy is DISTRAUGHT. This book also has the BEST post-kidnapping reunion scene. Hollywood, turn THIS into your next attempt at Nancy Drew media, you cowards.

A very special Nancy Drew Files/Archer crossover! The Drew residence is receiving creepy hangup calls and threats stemming from a man Carson defended 8 years earlier; he was acquitted but the man who was convicted for the crime has just been released--and is claiming innocence. Carson tells Nancy to ABSOLUTELY stay out of it, so she starts investigating immediately. On your Files Bingo card, this hits Domestic Violence, Oh No Corpse!, and Mustang Totaled. (Ned is offscreen but missed terribly!)

It's Nancy and Ned's anniversary!!!!! Also Nancy gets entangled in her 16-year-old neighbor Nikki's terrible decision to date an emotionally abusive jerk who winds up dead. This is also the "pilot" for the short-lived River Heights series, introducing a bunch of dramatic high schoolers who Nancy is basically exasperated by, so that tracks. This book is 1000% redeemed by the making out by my OTP, though.

The epic Nancy Drew/Phantom of the Opera crossover event! Nancy is helping Bess sneak into a huge space cowboy movie star’s dressing room during his movie premiere because she had a crush on him when they were in high school together (he’s 3 years older and a total himbo) but things go terribly wrong (not in a sexy way) and Nancy and George have to race to save Bess before the old theater is demolished. OSHA has questions.

Ned is back!!! Nancy’s just-for-this-book-bestie Laurie has fallen for a charismatic former dancer turned DJ who now runs a (booze free???) dance club in River Heights. However, someone is starting trouble at the club and threatening Laurie (Michael Myers????) so Nancy’s entourage shows up to investigate while she snoops and plays waitress (again, Ned is a costume enthusiast). My theory is a little spicier.

In which Nancy and her entourage head to Mile High (Murder) Club for hang-gliding and glamping. The daughter of one of Carson’s old college friends is running her dad’s Extreme Sports Camp and guests are receiving threats. It’s real bad, y’all. Also Ned is totally absent from the book, so that was the worst too. Plus there’s a Chekhov’s freezer.

Nancy is canonically a witch now. I don’t make the rules. In a weird turn of events, a company wants to build affordable housing (good) but they’re being jerks (bad). Nancy and her friends violate seat belt laws and contract the Bird Flu while saving a Tiger King-y casual apiary from Callous Developers. Also Nancy REALLY wants to help nurse Ned back to health. I really think she has that nurse outfit ready for just this occasion, y’all.

Aunt Eloise, who is somehow making bank, invites Nancy and her entourage to a cabin near Cooperstown to investigate a mysterious figure who has been spotted in the mist on the water. The figure leads them to a search for a child’s coach (like an 1800s Power Wheels) buried somewhere in the bay. Also, the Jolly Green Normal Sized Bro is haunting the local woods to keep randos away from some vague illicit activity, AND one of Nancy’s evil twins is out defrauding citizens. So a normal vacation for everyone. Also Ned is working on his 15th PhD, this one apparently in folklore studies! This club is a buffet of grief and also the thwarted promise of sailboat races!

In which Nancy hunts for Elon Musk, but only catches a Sea Org member! Carson is investigating an eccentric inventor who is using his weird creative genius in two ways: perfecting a murder robot and swindling people by “selling” them land on reservations (of course). Elon has a weird unsettling house surrounded by a moat with water that can catch on fire, staffed by said murderbot. Nancy and Carson also take a side quest to Arizona and decide that indigenous people on reservations DO have it rough, y’all.

Carson receives an unsolicited Turkish prayer rug with a secret message woven into the design, asking him to bring a mannequin. Carson’s client Farouk had a Turkish rug shop in town that had a mannequin in the window, so it seems related, and Nancy and her friends set off to find Farouk and the mannequin. Nancy also saves a toddler from drowning in a river, and Bess remains on brand as a perfume enthusiast. Togo gets to battle with an intruder. There’s a romantic Nancy/Ned picnic! No skulls, though, so at least there’s that.

Nancy is again in need of enrichment in her enclosure, so a bunch of married swingers take her and her entourage on a ghost busting adventure, to FIVE creepy destinations. The last is a house full of HUMAN (and animal) SKULLS, so they weren’t wrong on that. Ned gets kidnapped and Nancy is nearly intentionally drowned! There’s just a lot going on!!!

In which everyone hits up Padre Island for Spring Break! Nancy’s invited there by her camp buddy Mercedes (Selena Gomez), who is dating disaster himbo Buck (Ryan Hansen), and the Hardys (themselves) decide to crash this tender, hormone-flooded reunion. Ned is there too, and there are SEVERAL make out sessions AND banging opportunities for my OTP, so I am one happy narrator for this pirate treasure romp. They also discover a corpse, natch, because if you invite Nancy Drew, you need to just plan for corpses.

In which Nancy goes undercover as a candy striper (Ned is VERY INTERESTED in her cute li’l outfit) to discover who has it out for Ned’s doctor friend Trevor (Ryan Gosling with Barbie-movie hair). Trevor’s fiancé April (Pelican Brief era Julia Roberts in one of those bad wigs) is upset because her sick father’s prognosis isn’t great, and then he dies! Did Trevor do it? Was it natural causes? Will we ever find that corpse??? Guest stars are Jeremy Piven, Parker Posey, and Giovanni Ribisi.

Nancy, who needs enrichment in her habitat, is persuaded (ridiculously easily) to follow up on the faintest clue in the three year old disappearance of a hot rock star (John Stamos). Bess persuades veejay Luke from General Hospital to sponsor Nancy’s improv murder-mystery destination vacation at his MTV-lite station. L Ron also appears as the channel president with mutton chop sideburns, and Tawny Kitaen has a fun cameo. Lots about “just because we can, should we?” and “how much do we owe Byronic heroes?”

Nancy, who REFUSES to acknowledge that people die when she gets involved in politics, is helping sudden political enthusiast George volunteer for a local politician’s re-election campaign when she overhears a conspiracy to commit murder. They arrive too late to stop it, and the sole clue leads them to a construction site. Nancy ends up helping an immigrant who forged his identity find out who’s blackmailing him, because just like in Clue in the Diary, when the hardworking reluctant lawbreaker is white, Nancy will do a solid. Ned’s letterman jacket makes a cameo. Also, ya girl is a total boss at pool!

Ned takes Nancy on a road trip to an exclusive private college to meet his hot, wealthy childhood bestie (Chris Evans), but he’s injured before they see him. Nancy has to discover who would hurt Captain America, why Bryce Dallas Howard is apparently plotting her murder, and how to bang Ned on every available surface (probably?). So many computers! So little time! (Misogyny was the villain all along!)

A friend of a friend slides into Nancy’s DMs hoping Nancy can track down whoever is sending creepy notes indicating a yacht death 5 years ago wasn’t an accident. Nancy heads out to paradise to get threatened with a spear gun like at least five times, judo chop a beret-wearing hothead, and literally choke out Jared Leto. She also makes brief but meaningful besties with a great white shark. Strap in, aspiring marine biologists!

Colonialism ahoy! But first, Ned-napping! Nancy and her entourage are planning to join an Emerson trip to East Africa (I KNOW) when Ned goes missing. He’s recovered in time for the trip, and Nancy has two mysteries to solve: why someone is claiming an artificially created sapphire with a spider embedded inside was STOLEN from a guy who had a naturally-occurring one, AND the ultimate fate of a missing safari guide. Also, George may or may not develop a crush on a girl after Bess gives said girl a 90s teen movie makeover. Near death experiences all around!

Note: this book contains neither crosswords nor ciphers in the traditional sense! The Notorious NBG head to Peru to help their temporary bud Carla, who is taking a secretarial course despite being ridiculously wealthy. She has a 300-ish year old family heirloom that only a white teen lady detective can decode! Ned cameos as her concerned beau who takes her on a romantic trip to the hotel airport. The girls hit up several world heritage sites, which are just wantonly defaced, and L. Ron’s newest recruit lobs an ACTUAL BOMB at our heroes. It’s a wild (colonial) ride! No mummies we’re (probably) harmed in the making of this outing.

Nancy heads to France to kick butt and help solve a friend (Keira Knightley)’s PTSD! She’s just a giving person that way. This is a real weird one, where we find out that Bess and George totally stan Joan of Arc, and John Slattery plays the client in the Perry Mason sub-mystery, The Case of the Frightened Financier.

It’s 1965 and we’re getting all colonial! Nancy and the girls head to Emerson for June Week slash orgy time and end up staying with queer elder Uncle John, whose house is being haunted by a particularly greedy phantom. Nancy is menaced by a dude who is one traffic stop away from going full serial killer. There’s a memorable sequence involving crew racing (or crew racing as a metaphor!) and Nancy and Ned almost certainly hook up a dozen times. Ned gets the crown (and the deeply inappropriate headdress!) this time around!

In which Nancy is pursued by Sea Org members to Scotland, where she finds their sheep graveyard. (This is not a happy sheep story.) Carson is tapped to handle turning an estate over to the National Trust, because it belongs to Nancy’s maternal great-grandmother, and a family heirloom she was to inherit has disappeared. Also, a bunch of sheep. Ned, fresh back from government shenanigans in Central America, becomes Nancy’s stateside deputy while she’s doing her Outlander tour. She is fair gamed but emerges victorious!!!

In SuperMystery 11, Nancy and Bess head to Canada right after Christmas to investigate sabotage on the set of a very dumb Lifetime movie being worked on by Bess’s cousin. Frank and Joe are hanging out with a bigwig in the ice car racing (???) community. It’s like someone took a Lifetime Christmas movie, Talladega Nights, and a CW show and threw them in a blender. Ned gets a mention but at least there’s no shenanigans between my least fave pairing, so I’ll take it!

Ned is absolutely AWOL for this one, the story of a ballet school owner beset by annoyance and frustration while trying to put together the yearly Nutcracker performance. Nancy joins the fracas as propmistress slash sassmistress to help figure out who seems to be sabotaging the show. I blame L. Ron for all this.

In Digest 175, Nancy, Bess, George, and Ned (Chad Michael Murray) investigate the disappearance of some wolves from a nearby wolf preserve, and strange events at the Hallmark Cinematic Universe Ice Festival, brought to you by Local Ski Shop. As you know, werewolves are not canon, so some poor furry just trying to get by has to be involved. At several points Nancy could have hit up the Sweat Lodge with CMM, but sadly does not. It’s a HOWL-ing good time (*NO) for all! Or none. Or furries.

This club (literally) has it all (Christmas)! Nancy and Bess are in NYC to help the Hardys (played by whichever male lead from Friends you hate most, and Justin Timberlake) catch a pair of cat burglars. Bess meets the man of her dreams (played by any member of New Kids On the Block) and all of them are soon clubbing and ice skating and getting kidnapped and stealing forklifts. It’s a lot. Happy holidays to all, and to all a horse drawn carriage ride that doesn’t end at gunpoint!

A LEGIT BANGER. Nancy and Bess head to Chicago to find out who is threatening hot teen-fashion designer Kim Daley (Fairuza Balk). Everyone hates her, so the suspect list is long—and then Nancy discovers she has been poisoned and has 72 hours from the exposure to live. She calls in Ned and they go full Jack Bauer on everything, because they have some hot celebratory banging to do. Keanu Reeves and Neve Campbell also star, LOL.

In which Nancy receives an emergency call to Washington to save Senator Kirkpatrick (Sigourney Weaver) from the repercussions of Files 7. The senator isn’t being blackmailed; she’s being threatened with exposure over one slightly sketch decision she made to help Teresa the tennis star, and TMZ has receipts. If Nancy can’t block the story, the senator’s career and Teresa’s life might be over. Nancy has a very exciting scavenger hunt and gets to see two corpses, because this is that kind of book.

In which Carson falls for a sexy older* lady! (*Older than Nancy, which is a relief!) Nancy and Carson are taking a cruise to Rio for Carnival and to catch up with one of Carson’s old friends when they run into the widow in question (Isabella Rossellini, an absolute smoke show). Nancy is enduring the thoroughly unwelcome attentions of the assistant cruise director slash part time exotic dancer and trying to find out who is threatening the sexy widow and Nancy herself. Ned shows up to be the hero we both deserve AND need. It’s delightful. (Also, always use protection, Jon Hamm!!!)

The superlative no one wants!!! The Notorious NBG plus Ned is invited to a high school reunion hosted by the head cheerleader, which kicks off a string of robberies/mean-spirited pranks. Nancy investigates and nearly gets infected with typhus. She’s Final Girl-ing it!!! I love to see it!

In which Nancy helps Richard Branson get out of an Ocean’s Eleven setup. A handsome movie-studio heir was storing a Napoleon miniature in Branson’s hotel vault when it went up in flames! Nancy has to find the perp and avoid bad hotel publicity. With cameos from a college professor cat lady who lives on a houseboat and a rugged lumberjack with the improbable name Chad, to a legit sheik (not Duncan!!!), this club has it all, including a LITERAL dumpster fire.

In which Nancy falls into an absolute hot mess involving Steve Buscemi, John Slattery, and Bea Arthur. 15 years ago, a toddler vanished when her grandmother died; the other set of grandparents is back from a busy schedule of savin’ foreign souls and bein’ captives. Nancy and her friends explore a decrepit castle and survive a boat crash, and elude several iterations of Steve Buscemi (and enemy of the show L. Ron Hubbard!). It’s a weird, weird time!

In which Nancy stumbles onto the creepiest Real Doll sitch possible. Carson’s client, an actor who is directing plays for River Heights’s amateur acting troupe, has been seeing a dancing puppet near their venue. Nancy weathers several concussions to power through and play Scarlett O’Hara in their current production while investigating the creepy puppetry. Ned makes the most of his tiny cameo and it’s adorable. Get ready to lob some cannonballs and/or roses at America’s favorite teen sleuth!

In which, well, there’s some yellowface. The Notorious NBG head to NYC, where Nancy is actually the Commissioner of All Police, to investigate the disappearance of a young Chinese exchange student. George poses as said student and it’s real cringe. Nancy gets murdered via flowerpot and walks it off, heads off an airplane bombing, and meets up with Ned in Hong Kong, where HE is an exchange student! Also, Ned got Nancy her own room for sexy roleplay reasons. Anyway, Nancy is the master of air heists and smuggling, and wins the day.

In which Nancy single-handedly funds a school! An old lady asks Nancy’s help in finding a treasure hidden by her great-uncle 100 years earlier, which could be sold to finance said school to benefit the town. Nancy tangles with a local xenophobe and a pair of con artists, and dates a guy who is possibly Ned wearing a mustache, if my theory is correct. Also, old-timey photos may or may not have been taken, because stagecoach, y’all!!!

In which Nancy’s entire extended entourage visits the newest addition to the United States, Hawaii! Skin diving! Luaus! Volcanoes! Dumbest gang names ever! This club has it all!!!

In which Nancy boards the Freewinds and sets sail for danger! Frank and Joe are undercover and Nancy overhears two people plotting to sell CIA secrets. Nancy finds a scorpion in her bed (which is not a euphemism for Frank)! A vampire mask is worn! Horrible decisions all around!

In which Nancy solves TWO murders after seeing the corpses! Nancy meets a rich widow and her entourage, who are staying next door at the Plaza Hotel, and the widow, who feels she’s in danger, dies in Nancy’s arms. It’s pretty bad. The house detective immediately suspects her, and Nancy has to clear her name, even though she basically treats the detective like a pesky gnat, which is hilarious. Nancy also has a Peaches and Cream Barbie phase, which I’m absolutely here for.

Nancy, Ned, Bess, and George head to Hawaii to find a missing 16-year-old girl and, in the process, are nearly killed in an engineered car crash, exploded, and thrown into a legit volcano! Nancy’s getting all hard-boiled up in here, y’all!

In which Nancy stumbles into a Regency-era extortion racket. Ned is super cute in this one, and they have hurt/comfort scenes! Also, a barn literally burns down. It’s all you’ve ever wanted, and more! (Is Felix a vampire, or just an aspiring pimp? Also food for thought.)

After Ned sets fire to the barbecue, spoiling his domestic-goddess cottagecore phase, he and Nancy drag Bess and George to a fancy French cooking school, where the head chef collapses during orientation and Nancy and Ned’s teacher, the lead singer of Nine Inch Nails, is discovered as a corpse-sickle in the walk-in. It’s up to the Fab Four to stop a dangerous killer, while occasionally breaking for moonlit walks and van abductions. Pepe Le Pew also guest-stars.

Nancy’s hitting up Mardi Gras, y’all! Our fave sleuth (who just smiles and agrees when Bess calls her “the best sleuth,” which is such a weird word) heads to NOLA to both grab some beads AND snatch some sheets off some super casual ghosts. Ned pops up near the end and manages to get some tackling in, which he needs anyway. Many moonlight boat rides and even more casual racism! Welcome to flavor country!

Oh man. Nancy searches for a lost stained glass window, she and her cousin are menaced by Uncle Fester, and peacocks. So many peacocks. Also: any mail carrier who enters Nancy’s house is forfeiting retirement.