Happy Polydays

By Poly Philia

The Happy Polydays project is a series of intimate conversations about polyamory, identity, sexuality and relationships.
Leanne Yau (she/they), the host of this series, is a polyamorous content creator, writer, educator and advocate. She founded Poly Philia (@polyphiliablog), the largest social media platform dedicated to non-monogamy education and awareness in Europe, where she creates and curates humorous and educational memes, tips, videos, and other bite-size content.

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Polyamory and Blackness with @marjanilane

Happy PolydaysDec 23, 2021

00:00

58:36

Polyamory and Blackness with @marjanilane

Marjani Lane (@marjanilane) is one of the most well-known Black polyamorous educators and is a hugely important voice in the community when it comes to pro-Black polyamorous activism. To round off this season, we discuss Marjani’s life as a queer, disabled polyamorist, as well as several controversial, hard-hitting issues in the Black polyamorous and polygamous communities:

- why Marjani believes that people can be polyamorous cheaters, and that solo polyamory is a life philosophy rather than a specific lifestyle

- how Marjani’s physical disabilities and diagnoses of ASPD and OCPD affect how they practice polyamory

- The distinction between fluid bonding and fluid exchange, and how some Black polyamorists do not feel that mainstream polyamory terms were made for them or with them in mind

- How the Black community’s idea of polygyny and the goal of “building an empire” to “save” the Black community ultimately tie back to white supremacy, misogynoir and a struggle with identity and acceptance

- Queerphobia and ableism in the polyamorous community, and how the idea of “usefulness” serves a pro-capitalist, pro-natalist agenda that comes at the expense of the marginalised

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Marjani (@marjanilane): Instagram | Clubhouse | Tiktok | Facebook | Website

Dec 23, 202158:36

From A Closed Cult To Open Love with @chillpolyamory

CW: emotional abuse, eating disorders

In this harrowing, vulnerable episode, Morgan of @chillpolyamory shares her experiences in a cult from the age of 15-21, how she left and unpacked all the internalised shame and guilt around her sexuality, and went on to embrace an open, polyamorous life. We discuss:

- the parallels between high-control groups and certain oppressive religions, and the harm that causes to one's psyche

- how content creation has enabled Morgan to deal with her trigger around public humiliation head-on

- how kink has been a healing way for Morgan to safely and temporarily give up control (and why a 24/7 dynamic is not for her!)

- a surprisingly positive parallel between cults and the polyamorous community?

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Morgan (@chillpolyamory): Instagram | Patreon | Website

Dec 22, 202157:06

Polyamory and Abuse with @polypages

Abuse happens in all kinds of relationships, and non-monogamous people are no different. Claire from @polypages and I discuss:

- The Duluth Model of the power and control wheel as applied to abusive polyamorous dynamics

- Whether the book More Than Two by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux should still be recommended as a polyamory introductory text

- Why toxic positivity culture is harmful and does a disservice to the polyamorous community

- Why non-monogamous people are more susceptible to abusive dynamics due to the lack of societal support available and toxic behaviours being brushed under the carpet as "jealousy issues to work through"

- How Claire arrived at solo polyamory as the best fit for her life

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Claire (@polypages): Instagram | Tiktok | Twitter | Website | Polyamory Day Event

Dec 21, 202159:53

Polyamorous and Asian with @polyamorouswhileasian

Michelle Hy's polyamory advocacy work (@polyamorouswhileasian) on the political intersection between relationships and race, sex positivity, and body neutrality is well known to many. In this episode we discuss:

- Michelle's very sudden introduction to polyamory at 18 years old

- Misconceptions in mainstream polyamorous narratives

- Handling boundaries and expectations with Asian parents

- Why my mother is less accepting of my bisexuality than my cousin's lesbianism

- Handling fetishisation of Asianness in dating, and where we draw the line between attraction and exoticisation

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Michelle (@polyamorouswhileasian): Instagram | Website

Dec 20, 202101:00:09

Polyamory and Religion with @puritytopolyamory

What do purity culture and mononormativity have in common? I speak with @puritytopolyamory as she shares her fascinating story of moving from the oppressive Evangelical Christian religion to solo polyamory. We discuss:

- How purity culture is rape culture, and why it is particularly damaging to people socialised as women

- Why the many changes that occur in the opening up process lead to so many previously monogamous relationships failing at no fault of their own

- How Christianity and polyamory can be reconciled, but not purity culture and polyamory

- Why both of us no longer identify as demisexual

and much more.

PTP (@puritytopolyamory): Instagram | Twitter | Podcast

Dec 19, 202157:45

Polyamory Under Late-Stage Capitalism with @femmmeow and @antimononormative

How is polyamory influencing current and future generations under late-stage capitalism? Join myself and Nayeli (@antimononormative), who are both Gen Z, and younger millennial Sky (@femmmeow) as we talk about how modern monogamy is influenced by the commodification of intimacy under capitalism, colonialism and heteropatriarchical forces. We discuss:

- Sky's upbringing in the Scientology cult and how her embracing her queerness led her to question monogamy and relationships

- Nayeli's radical abolitionist stances on basically everything, and her coining and explaining the terms "late-stage mononormativity" and "mononormativity reformist"

- How the rise of non-monogamy was directly caused by the COVID-19 pandemic, and was not a coincidence!

- How we are all absolute stans of Esther Perel and her work

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Nayeli (@antimononormative): Instagram | Tiktok | Twitter

Skylar (@femmmeow): Instagram | Twitter | Tiktok | Website

Dec 18, 202159:11

Flirting While Neurodivergent with @polymananswers

How do polyamorous, neurodivergent people flirt? Albert from @polymananswers and I discuss the difference between (and success rates of) consent-based, directly communicated flirting methods and those utilised by "pickup artists" in mainstream media (which are often built on a foundation of deception and manipulation). We also discuss:

- Albert's experiences growing up in a polygamous Hmong household with 2 mothers and a father

- How neurotypical people can support their neurodivergent partners from a trauma-informed perspective

- I read out some chats with my matches on my favourite dating app, Feeld!

- How to manage dopamine-chasing impulses with ADHD and managing the high of New Relationship Energy

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Albert (@polymananswers): Instagram

Dec 17, 202101:00:22

Queering Compersion with @lifewflo and @polyamoryinpractice

Compersion, the feeling of joy/happiness at seeing your partner with other people, is often touted as the Holy Grail of polyamory: a milestone you reach once you have achieved complete security within yourself, fully embracing the abundance mindset, and having a complete lack of jealousy. In reality, it's a lot more complicated than that. In this episode, Flo (@lifewflo), Alexa (@polyamoryinpractice) and I discuss:

- deconstructing the binary of compersion/jealousy

- queering the timeline from high jealousy to high compersion on one's polyamorous journey

- our different experiences of compersion and how it is a mixed bag of feelings rather than a sensation of pure joy

- how to navigate different experiences of compersion and jealousy with partners and metamours

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Alexa (@polyamoryinpractice): Instagram

Flo (@lifewflo): Instagram | Facebook | Tiktok

Dec 16, 202158:04

Polyamory as Revolution with @openrelating

Polyamory challenges traditional love and many societal norms, but one aspect that is not often talked about is how it can be a tool for anti-capitalist revolutionary change. Roy (@openrelating) is a polyamorous personal coach who specialises in helping people of all relationship orientations discover and design their own unique, authentic, conscious and intentional relationships. Together we discuss:

- Roy's journey to polyamory and, in particular, his story as a victim of abuse by a female partner in his first non-monogamous relationship

- How polyamorous people face unique challenges when they are in toxic non-monogamous dynamics when it comes to seeking support or recognising the red flags in the first place

- How polyamory challenged Roy's toxic masculine beliefs as a man who grew up in militarised Israel

- How polyamory can be used as a tool for building community, challenging the nuclear family, combating materialism, competitiveness and scarcity that is taught by capitalism

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Roy (@openrelating): Instagram | Twitter | Website

Dec 15, 202101:00:30

Polyamory and Toxic Masculinity with @polyamfam

A big part of polyamory is challenging one's core beliefs and insecurities, and one big thing polyamorous men struggle with is toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity is a specific set of expectations and attitudes associated with men that have a negative impact on men's psyche as well as society as a whole, such as aggressive competitiveness and machismo, entitlement to and ownership of women's bodies, tying one's self-worth as a man to sexual performance, and so on. Today I speak with Chad (@polyamfam) about his unique experience and early struggles as a polyamorous man, and we hope that his story will help other men (and the people who date men) on their polyamorous journeys. We discuss:

- How to deal with competitiveness with other men, feeling like you "own" your girlfriend/wife, and tying one's self-worth to sex

- Dating struggles unique to polyamorous men and women, how to avoid comparisons with your female partner(s) on your respective dating lives, and possible reasons why women don't respond on dating apps

- How to introduce two male partners to each other in the least awkward way possible

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Dec 14, 202101:00:42

Solo Polyamory and Relationship Anarchy with @unapolygetically

Ro Moed (@unapolygetically) is a solo polyamory content creator, personal coach, and aspiring writer. We discuss:

- Ro's polyamory origin story, and how she came to reclaim her independence through solo polyamory after a toxic relationship

- What solo polyamory is and how it is still a relatively new term with different definitions within the polyamorous community

- Digital boundaries online, parasocial relationships, and how we navigate demands on our time and space and negative comments from followers

- Our respective businesses providing 1-1 support to the polyamorous community (her as a coach, and me as a peer supporter) and what issues clients come to us with the most often

and much more.

Ro (@unapolygetically): Instagram

Dec 13, 202156:18

Polyamory and Race with @monogamishpod

Jhen (@monogamishpod) grew up in Jamaica and moved to America when she was 20, whereas I (@polyphiliablog) grew up in Hong Kong and moved to the UK when I was 16. We talk about the intersection of polyamory and race, including:

- our experiences as polyamorous women of colour in both our home countries and the ones we currently live in

- the difference between growing up in a majority-white country versus growing up among people of your own race, and how that impacts your psyche

- how our respective cultures allowed and even normalised cheating (but only by men), but treated it as the elephant in the room to “keep up appearances”

- whether or not it is ethical to have a “no white people in the polycule” boundary

- how gender is racialised and race is gendered in Black and Asian communities

- How certain groups of POC engage in proximity to whiteness

and much more.

Jhen (@monogamishpod): Instagram | Podcast | Twitter | Website

Dec 12, 202101:00:08

Polyamory and Kink with @annie_undone

CW: very explicit discussions of sex and kink!

Annie (@annie_undone) is a kinky switch in a polyamorous BDSM dynamic. We discuss:

- How to handle breaches of trust within a polyamorous kink dynamic

- How kink and group dynamics can intersect in fun ways

- How high romance can be kinky!

- How polyamory and kink both teach great lessons on consent, communication, and intentionality, and are both excellent mediums for personal growth

- How polyamory and kink can conflict when negotiating titles, hierarchy, bedroom vs 24/7 dynamics, and mono/poly relationships as a device to dominate a submissive

- How people-pleasing tendencies can be dangerous in a submissive state

- When one’s responsibility over another feels like too much power, and where our personal limits are as Dommes in power exchange dynamics

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Annie (@annie_undone): Instagram | Patreon

Dec 11, 202149:31

Demisexual vs. Megasexual with @remodeledlove

Jes (@remodeledlove) is demisexual: she doesn't experience sexual attraction except with an existing romantic/emotional connection. I (@polyphiliablog), meanwhile, am megasexual: I don't experience romantic/emotional attraction except with an existing sexual connection. We discuss:

- Jes’ identity as a #DemisexualSlut

- Why I prefer to have sex on the first date

- Meeting up on the first date vs texting for months before meeting up

- Why certain “nice guys” may interpret someone’s demisexuality as a challenge

- The difference between sexual chemistry, skill, and attraction

and much more.

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Dec 10, 202145:44