Rude Dude Take Downs

We're ending the first season of Rude Dudes on a note that makes everyone mad; Fate - The Winx Saga!

Everything about this show SCREAMS us, but also everything is SO. WRONG. They took one of the most colourful, beach kids cartoon and makes it a London rainy Hogwarts style garbage of David Yates' wet dream! The specialists are useless boys, they created characters in lieu of keeping amazingly establish characters, and magic was shown through Twilight eyes??? My lord, this show needed something in the first few episodes, because the back half really SLAPPED!

It was sexy, it was sloppy, there was a three-way on Instagram live?! While we STAN Beatrix, we wanted Cloud Tower! We want a witchy headmistress who hates fairies! If you're gonna go gritty, give us the only goth aesthetic that was in the original! Don't make Stella BLIND A GIRL!!

Will Farrah come back from her neck snap? Is Sam hurt? WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?! We hope, YES, and I DON'T KNOW HOPEFULLY DO BETTER IN SEASON TWO!!!

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Time for another anime-inspired property, and one that falls into the same pits as Blood of Zeus...Alita: Battle Angel!

Now, we deciphered a lot of this movies short comings come out of just being a pretty faithful adaptation to the original OVA (minus Chiren NOT being completely naked when she fixes Grewishka, which rude). Just felt like in a world where we're familiar with this genre of dystopian anime, you gotta at least brush on some of the established tropes to deepend the structure, if only to appease the western audiences! I know that's a little bit of a problematic statement, but big Blockbuster movies aren't for hardcore anime nerds! There's a happy medium with appeasing the hardcore fanbase while also sacrificing to make it a stronger western story.

I mean, come on, this movie moved simultaneously too fast and too slow! We did NOT need a full as 10 minute chunk where they played NOT BLITZBALL! They also omitted a lot of Hugo's backstory? But kept a lot of Alita eating...Whatever, WILD choices, and DEFINITELY not enough action! MORE ROBOT GUTS, and more Robot FUCKS for sure!!

Is Alita too much of a simp for Hugo? Is this faithful adaptation doing a deserve for a western audience? IS THIS THE BEST WESTERN ADAPTATION OF AN ANIME TO EXIST?! Yes, yes, and YES WE DUNNO TELL US IF YOU FIND A BETTER ONE!

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Sometimes fanfiction can spawn amazing creations... Other times, it can destroy the fabric of all that you hold dear... This is one of those times (which one? yes). Tackling our first anime with the not-so cult classic, Blood of Zeus!

You know how Greek Gods are supposed to be sexy and fuck all the time? Well, imagine you take all of that out and replace it with more gore and exposition! That's what you get with this. But like, not even the exposition we needed or wanted, we just got this show trying to tell us that Zeus was a good guy when that is DEFINITELY not the case! Poor Hera, we wish her and her crows (but should've been peacocks) the best in their future endevors. But Heron was a b-list Hercules and we all know it. It's why they needed to add all the gore to make him seem interesting... But we love to see a beautiful women floating in a river only ot get SIDELINED WITH HER GUTS FALLING OUT!!

Will Zeus ever stop fucking other women? Will Seraphine ever NOT kneel? WILL WE GET MORE OF KOFI AND EVIOS BEING GAY?! No, no, and WE CAN ONLY HOPE!

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HAI YA!! We're kicking into a new episode of Rude Dudes with a new Netflix/old YouTube Red (Originals) show, Cobra Kai!

While we all LOVE this show, we can definitively say season 3 is a little nutty (but in all the right ways). Kreese gets an interesting backstory where we find out football bros bullied him into the army cause his mom committed suicide, then makes his war crime snake pit brawling his personality?! Like, he's a cartoon villain, but with good reason! Also poor... Everyone?! This show has no character that isn't dealing with immense trauma, and they are literally taking it out on each other through Karate?? Maybe making East LA a Karate footloose zone isn't a bad idea...

But this season hit more nostalgic sequel points with Daniel's crazy irresponsible trip to Okinawa! While we loved to see Kumiko and Chozen coming back in major ways, we didn't appreciate the immense flex of privilege. Like Sam... We know a sob story doesn't give you an excuse to be a bully, but Tory's goin' through it and Karate's all she has!!

Will Johnny Lawrence ever get his shit together? Will Robbie learn appropriate timing to never walk in on bad news? WILL ELISABETH SHUE EVER LEARN KARATE?! No, no, and RIP NO BUT WE WANT THAT FOR HER!!

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February, a time for love, a time for period pieces, and definitely a time for fucking. Which is why we're kicking February off with the show of the SEASON, Bridgerton!

If you're hoping to learn some practical Sex Education, this is not the show for you. If you're looking for how to creatively sound while orgasming, you're in the right spot. This show's got so much fucking, and it's all so loud! And Simon goes down on Daphne, some would say too much, but we are saying the right amount.

Though a lot of the conflict in this show would've been resolved if ANYBODY told the woman how sex works. Like come on, mom's; get it together. You're worse than Anthony trying to decide whether he should stay with Sienna (leave that poor girl alone or give her all your money!) But love conquers all, even if it takes a tryst in a garden to ignite the flame and a dick ride to solidify!

Are the costumes historically accurate? Will Daphne ever get her pigs in a row? Will we be fucking to the string quartet version of Wildest Dreams and Wildest Dream only? No, no, and YES!!!!!

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It's the end of our DCEU month, and we're rounding it out with the newest and most controversial entry into the Universe, Wonder Woman 1984 (styled WW84).

We had such high hopes for this movie... Unfortunately, it really missed its mark. While we LOVED the double villains, the messaging was muddled more than Kristen Wiig's briefcase! This was just not a movie for our time of 2021... While we stan Patty Jenkins, this was less of a Ragnarok and more of a Dark World if you know what we mean. There should've been at least 35% more Kristen Wiig and 5% less Pedro Pascal. Even them out! Have more friendship moments! This would've been that much more of a fun time!

Did Alistair LIVE in the office? Can Wonder Woman turn things invisible? WAS THAT MAN CONSCIOUS DURING THE TIME STEVE TOOK OVER HIS BODY?! Yes, Yes?! and WE HOPE NOT IS HE OKAY?!

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We're DIVING back into our DCEU month with what is the arguable best movie of the universe, Aquaman!!!!!

While we loved the explosions and the jellyfish dress, we were surprised at the unsexiness of this movie! Like, Jason should've been shirtless the ENTIRE MOVIE?!?! And Amber Heard was done dirty the entire movie! The only saving grace of this movie was weirdly Nicole Kidman. She went from being a fun cameo to being a pretty competent action star? WHO WOULD'VE KNOW! This movie was trying to do to much for too long... They should've had one villain, and more deaged Willam Dafoe as Tom Hiddleston. Anyways... We talk a lot about deep sea aquatic life and Bridget's many travel across the world. Unfortunately, none of them were in the dessert in linens, but we'll move past that...

Can we get more DadManta? Can Aquaman speak Italian? HOW DO THEY POOP?! NO RIP, Probably?! AND THEY JUST GO????

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Back with another DCEU movie, and it's the one we all wish we could forget which is... Suicide Squad!

Honestly, James Gunn really miss fired (boom) with this one, all he had to do was do Guardians... THATS IT! Instead, he over shot and under delivered in a wild self-serious movie that's basically the embodiment of an angry dad TRYING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME!

Viola Davis deserved much more than to be just a narrator, and Margot Robbie deservedly became a star after this movie. Other than that, throw out everything else. Except Katana, she's got our backs.

What was the point of Slipknot? What were those eye men things?! WHY WERE THERE BABY ONSIES?!?! To die, unexplained, and WE DON'T KNOW SOMEONE SAVE THAT BABY!!

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New year, same dudes! We're ringing in the new year with a re-recording of a lost episode, Batman Vs Superman: Dawn of Justice!

In all honesty, we don't REALLY talk about the movie all that much, but set up the new year, which will be all DCEU movies. We talk about Zack Snyder's weird nerd boy obsession with toxic masculinity and 9/11; Marvel's history of executing competent super hero movies; Jeremy Irons being the hottest one (but also is a surrogate character for Snyder himself?! Oh boy...).

That being said, this movie was just a nightmare hot mess of a thing. Laurence Fishburne can't tell Clark Kent is actually hot, Bruce Wayne can't get over his alarmist fear of Superman, and lets not even talk about Lex Luthor (aka, Joker lite). The only redeemable part was Wonder Woman, and they really blew their loads in the trailer when they didn't have to reveal her!!! Anyways, this movie is sepia trailer bait straight camp, and we love to see it!

Will Lois Lane ever learn to become a proper journalist? Will Batman ever stop terrorizing marginalized communities? WHAT ARE THESE BEETLES?! No, Never, and WE DON'T KNOW WHERE'S RINGO?!?!

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As 2020 comes to a close, so does our month of Holiday Classics! And to end it off, we're doing probably what is the cutest thing we've ever seen, Dash & Lily!

Look, we know we're supposed to do "trash", and we fully expected for this to come out strong on that front. What we were surprised by was how much this show slapped! From the fun challenges to the conveniently employed family members, this show is going to turn into maybe a holiday rewatch?

Lily is by far all of our queens, Dash is maybe the hottest teen to have ever lived, and we LOVE Boomer!! Who wouldn't want a supportive best friend who gives you pizza! But Grandpa was bad, and so was Langston! Like, get over your insecurities, buddies... Lifes to short!

Were the Challah Back Boyz founded at Camp Rock? Was Dash's Dad the himbo of this show? Has Ms Basil E murdered before? Yes, yes, and YES SLAY QUEEN!!

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We've (now?) officially hit the Holiday Season™️, and we're still rolling along in the snow with our penultimate Holiday episode; The Princess Switch: Switched Again!

Honestly, what a sequel! Vanessa Hudgens has blessed us with another Christmas Classic! This one even more ripe with zany antics and MORE PRINCESSES? Only this one's EVIL?! She's really turning into the Austin Powers of our time..

Though the plots as convoluted as ever, the stakes are SUPER HIGH! TREASON?! This is could've easily been the CROWN but at Christmas, and we're surprised no one got murdered.

Will Edward ever keep the thoughts at bay? What happened to OG Olivia? IS SANTA BORIS JOHNSON?! Probably not, we don't know save her! OF COURSE OH NO CHRISTMAS IS CAPITALISM!!

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Week Three of Holiday December Classics, and today we're pulling out a REAL classic with the 1998 Holiday hit, Jack Frost!

If we can take a minute to respect not only Jim Henson's puppet work, but the CGI integration... It was truly something... Also, what we feel is a Michael Keaton award winning performance?! Screw Batman, this guy is the definitive Jack Frost! Bridget and Candace BAWLED their eyes out at this movie, but Chris?... A true heart of ice and snow.

Was the whole movie Charlie slowly deteriorating from trauma? Was Gronic fucking Kelly Preston? WHERE WAS NICK FROST?! Probably, probably, and NOT IN THIS MOVIE SADLY!!!

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We're keep up our Holiday themed movies of December and diving right into this clearly military funded movie, Operation Christmas Drop! Which is based off of the VERY REAL OPERATION CHRISTMAS DROP THAT HAPPENS IS GUAMA WHAT?!

As the first "Hallmark" movie of this run, it was a paint by numbers beauty of a thing! Kat Grahmn is a no nonsense chief of staff? Cutting military budgets for a Trumpublican Congresswoman? Is this how America works? Let us know!!

This movie was as hollow and as empty of a gesture as giving your purse filled with adult things to a poor girl. From the cardboard boxes slamming into the ocean to that band pounding those Tubular Bells, this movie hit us in ways we did not expect... but loved? (Except for Candace, she hated it!)

Was Andrew played by various Trumps? Why didn't that gecko talk? DID SANTA GIVE A WOMAN A YEAST INFECTION?! TBD, missed opportunity, and YES OMG SANTA!!!

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December is HERE (barely)! And it's time for our first Rude Dude Holiday Take Down! All December, we're taking down all the latest Holiday media. Today, we're doing a catch all holiday movie... Holidate!

Boy... Was this movie... a clunker. Why? Because NEITHER OF THESE LEADS ARE GOOD PEOPLE!!!! Seriously, the fact that these two HOT people can't get a date for the holidays shows how bad these two people are. They also ruin the point of a Holidate because... they said Holidate WAY too many times? 

Emma Roberts is broken up over the whole first have over a guy that is pretty much just Emmett in Paris? And Jackson (discount Hemsworth) is a egomaniac with an eating disorder who hates women. It was really fitting that the most romantic part of this movie was full of shit. What another McG train wreak. Anyways... Kirsten Chenowith and Faarooq forever

What was Arizona's deal with her kids? Will they ever NOT remind everyone that they're JUST Holidates?? Was Wally a serial killer? Post parton depression treat it seriously! NO BECAUSE THATS THE MOVIE (waka waka). and ABSOLUTELY!

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Time for one of Bridgets favourite things, sexy teen boy ghosts! This week we're covering the Kenny Ortega's masterpiece, Julie and the Phantoms!... We know it's for kids, we don't care!

Inspired by the Nickelodeon Brazil show Julie e os Fantasmas, but FAR different. The furry suits would've made more sense because... The rules of this world are all over the place! These boys are from 1995, yet there's NO flannel, they play pop punk, and they don't question anything?? But all the phantoms are simultaneously our sons and boyfriends, because EVERYONE wants to get with these ghosts, and lordt we want that GHOST BONE!

For a show with no kissing, it's so h*rny and we STAN!

Madison Reyes is also a god damned star, and Julie is the best character. She's just great.... Great.... Great...

Carrie is EVERYTHING and also the true devil (and maybe the secret heroes?)

Who's Julie's mom? Will Cheyenne Jackson make MORE sense in the next season? WILL LUKE EVER WEAR SLEEVES? Dunno, probably not? and NEVER!

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Oh god, you knew it was coming... There's no way we can talk about trash TV without talking about the show everyone LOVES to hate (except for Chris' Mom??)... Emily in Paris.

Honestly... Just why? Why did we watch it? How did we get through it? It's truly such a mystery as to why this show was put out at a time like this... No one is good at their jobs, everyone's horny for Emily, and all the men are the same man stuck out of time!!! Darren Star, you mad man... Thank god for Pierre Cadeau and his AMAZING energy. We'll also be starting a petition to get the Mindy project done RIGHT with ALL HER FRIENDS!!

Why wasn't Camille Bi?! How come Emily didn't know "La Vie En Rose"? How come Chris is obsessed with Antoine so much?! All the answers; WE DON'T KNOW! (Except deep down... we know).

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No Riverdale this time... But we're still watchin' trash!

Today, we're diving into the horror comedy film duology that is the Babysitter franchise... The movies that ask "what if the babysitter that is your best friend and you're horny for was actually a demon and tried to kill you?!" Honestly, what a directionless Scott Pilgrim rip off this was! From gory kills to teenage thrills, this franchise could do with a bit of commitment and maybe even a BASIC coherent plot structure. McGee's coasting along on this one... Maybe even hitting cruise control. Ultimaltely, watch it for Bee's Gambit (better than the queens, even?!), and we'll tune into the third one.

Will Max ever chill the fuck out?! Will the Magnum condom ever pay off? HOW IS IS COLE, REALLY?! No, NO, and lol, anyones guess at this point.

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WHATS UP RUDE DUDES?!

Welcome to the new podcast! We, unfortunately (but unsurprisingly), have been beaten brutal by Riverdale. It's got nothing to do with our love of the show and... Everything to do with our hatred for the show. So after much consideration, and a brief hiatus; we've put an end to the era of Riverdale Rude Dudes.

Fret not, as we close out this chapter with a final episode on Riverdale, going through all of season 4! It's also a GREAT opportunity to showcase the NEW PODCAST, RUDE DUDE TAKE DOWNS! Just because we're not doing Riverdale, doesn't mean we can't be rude dudes! So transition into that new new, and get it rolling!

We discuss the second popularity of the Stonewall plotline and conclude that Donna slaps harder the second time (and Brett is still a little bitch). We also get into Archie's vigilante antics with Dodger and his run-ins with Donna (in the comic titled Archie and the Splodin Turkey). Ron also gets a new sister, but never any new problems (get her away from Hiram!). Cheryl also gaslights Toni (and Toni just takes it). And finaly... We discuss Barchie... The thing that really just put us over the edge.

Is Mr Honey good? Will we ever find out what happened to Johnathan? WAS BARCHIE A GOOD IDEA?! NO, NO, AND OF COURSE NOT!!

New take on a classic, hope you enjoy the new format and stay on this rude ride with us!

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We’re going UP UP AND AWAYYYY (from reality) with this episode! Sharks have been JUMPED!

Betty is closing in on the Farm after they’ve executed so many FBI agents, but they still constantly remain one step ahead of her (and the FBI)?! Things heat up when Polly comes back, but with an EXTRA SPECIAL SURPRISE! Meanwhile, Veronica is having issues with her name change, and Hiram comes out of jail to tell her he still owns her? Archie is also hit with the reality that small business ventures aren’t really all that profitable, but the local arcade is trading in drug favours for free video games and NO ONE’S DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!  Jughead adjusts to his life at stone wall prep, and finds out his roommate is good ol’ MOOSE! But Moose warns him about Brett, because he’s a cartoonish villain who cannot accept criticism. And Cheryl... Oh Cheryl... Needs so much help, but refuses to let anyone to go into her secret prayer room...

Will the rats turn a corpse into a fabulous three course meal? Will Jughead ever learn about socks on doorknobs? WILL THE FBI EVER GET IT’S SHIT TOGETHER?! Yes, no, and NEVER!

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Sadness is over, and we’re going RIGHT back to bonkersville USA!

School’s starting up, and Archie wants Mad Dog to get an education and be set off on the right path, but maily wants him to join the Bulldogs. But Reggie WON’T have it, because the only one letting him have it is his dad? Remember how Reggie keeps crying out for help? Well now we can FINALLY address it! Also, a group orgy makes the core four late for school, only to encounter a scoulding from the new principal, Mr Honey. And not even Cheryl can sweeten this bee up, and Honey bans ALL DANCES. So Cheryl throws her own after consulting with Go (Jason). Jughead also gets an offer to join a fancy rich prep school, but is VERY uninterested until FP MAKES HIM GO!!

Will Cheryl ever call the electrician so they don’t use up the candelabra? Will Reggie confront his father? WHAT WAS IN JUGHEADS CUP?! No, YAS, and LIQUOR YOU IDIOTS!

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SEASON FOUR IS HERE!! AND WE WOULD BE MORE EXCITED IF WE WEREN’T SO SAD!!

Today’s episode marks the passing of Luke Perry on March 4th 2019, which produced this masterful piece of tribute. I have never cried so hard and so long watching a single episode of television... and I don’t think I ever will.

It’s fourth of July weekend, and what seemed like a fun weekend of camping and celebration takes a dark turn when Archie gets a call that his father has died. Because of the holiday, Fred can’t be moved to Riverdale until after July 4th weekend! Riddled with guilt, Archie and the gang set out on a mission to bring Fred home for the holidays, and process their grief along the way.

RIP Luke Perry. You will be missed.

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WE DID IT GUYS! Another season in the can! Can you believe it? I sure as hell can’t!

Things are coming to a head this episode, as season finale’s tend to do! The gang all meets up with the mastermind behind the great downfall of Riverdale... Penelope Blossom?! Turns out, selling a little girl to be a chil bride and then killing her only son does a lot to a person! And We find out Penelope is responsible for baiting Hal into being the Redhood, and she manipulated Chic (Jason Lite) into being the Gargoyle King?! Jesus, what a reveal. But there’s one last thing for Archie, Ron, Jug and Betty to do... Survive the Night!!!

Also, Cheryl busts out of the Farm with Alice’s help!

Will all that food Penelope cooked for dinner go bad? How has Jason’s corpse stayed so fresh? WHO KEEPS PLACING ALL THESE BONES?! Probably, DCJ BAYBE, and THE BANK! BECAUSE BONES ARE OUR MONEYYYYYYY!!!

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WOWE WOWE EVERYONE! The shark has been JUMPED and we are HEREEE!!!

This... is the best episode... Of any TV show ever made. We got CULTS WITH ORGANS, we got SERIAL KILLERS WITH HOOK HANDS, we got BAREKNUCKLE BRAWLING TEENS VS ADULTS SANCTIONED BY ADULTS?! WHAT A TIME!!

Well, I guess we’re picking up from where we left off last time with Betty, and she’s living at the Farm, confused about Evelyn’s dialisis machine her husband father gave her. But Alice tells Betty she has the serial killer gene, and Edgar decieds to hypnotize her into really beating herself up for pushing Polly down the stairs one time. Also, the queer four (TM) is VERY secretive about their emotial pain scars infected with sepsis. Meanwhile Jughead, all alone, has to sleuth out what happened to Betty on Prom Night, but ends up finding Ethel trapped in the sex bunker hiding from children. Also, Ron decideds to trick her dad into committing crimes (not hard) by having Archie accost him, naked and steaming, and challenge him to a fight. And Hiram accepts, because he’s NEVER SOFT ALWAYS HARD SO ARE WE WTF?! 

Will Polly ever forgive Betty for pushing her down the stairs? Will Kevin die of sepsis? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN THIS EPISODE?! No, no, and WE DON’T KNOW!!!!!! 

SONGS OF FIRE AND ICE, PROM NIGHT WON’T BE SO NICE!! We may be winding down the season, but the show is ramping up! We got severed hands, hook hands, any kind of hands you can think off! And it’s all thanks to our good friend DCJ!

We start by coming upon the prison bus wreckage that took Hal, and Betty doesn’t believe that he died. But FP assures her, he counted SIXS heads! Betty’s unconvinced and decides to see if there’s ANY way she can find her dad. But Jughead instead tries to rope her into the G&G gospel by the Gargoyle King himself! We’re lucky Jug is was a hardcore Game Master cause this shit is undecypherable! Meanwhile, Veronica sets Archie up with more tournament fights, but neglects to weight him for his weight class, so he’s gotta loose 6 whole pounds in 4 days (YIKES!). He’s also juggling his mom’s “friend from Sarah Florence”, because she’s got Naval connections and can get him a good scholarship if she sees him fight (the same day as the tournament? UH OH)! Also, Prom’s happening, and Cheryl CAN’T be Prom Queen because resident Senior Citizen Karen, Evelyn, FORBIDS IT!

Should Veronica have invested more on Mad Dog as a boxing agent? Will Betty get Edgar to FULLY strip for her? WILL DCJ EVER PUBLISH HIS GROUP CHATS WITH THE CORE FOUR?? Yes, WE HOPE SO GET IT FROM YOUR DAD HUSBAND, and WE CAN ONLY PRAY!

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TODAYS THE DAY!! LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!

We got a wild one today everyone, so strap in for a good time! What’s not a good time is that Jellybean is missing, and the Jones family must now go on some sick quests to save her. Orchestrated by Curts, they must reveal their secrets, pillage the tavern, and battle the cyclopes! We don’t know what that means but... We can promise that you‘ll have a good time. Meanwhile, Betty is digging through Evelyn’s past an finds out she may be a bit older than she’s letting on (that haggard tired woman?! No!). Also, Archie’s trying to make ammends for his toxic masculinity with the help of Ron; and Josie’s making her play out of Riverdale and into Katy Keene! We’ll miss you Josie

Will the Jones Family save Jellybean from danger? Will Ms Weiss ever get it together enough to be good to these children? WILL BETTY SAVE THE GOOD TWIN?! Yes, lol no, and YES BUT WHO’S ACTUALLY A GOOD TWIN NOW?!

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Things are getting FIZZY in Riverdale! EVERYONE’S DOING DRUGS WHAT A NIGHTMARE!

Jughead is looking into the murder of Baby Teeth (or Brandon Morris if you’re respectful!) and works with his dad to figure out why there was a matchbook from the Maple Club in throat? While going to interrogat Penelope, a customer starts foaming at the mouth! What is assumed to be an isolated incident turns into a reoccurring trend. Betty also STILL doesn’t trust Edgar, and she consults with her serial killer father to figure out how to make her mother not crazy (what a twist!). Meanwhile, Archie wants to honour Baby Teeth by fighting in a tournament against Elio, so he enlists Ron (Riverdale’s #1 predator) to help him show him what’s what! Also, Toni’s pissed at Betty, but she fucks so... It’s fine?

Will FP and Jughead find two Fizzle Rocks junkies to fall in love? Will Betty make her mother not terrified of her? HOW DOES FANGS KNOW BABY TEETH?! No, LOL OF COURSE NOT, and I DUNNO?!?! 

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So this episode is not called the Master... SUE ME!!

But today, we dive deep into the systems of oppression that govern our cities. We learn how a gand turns into a militarized police force in order to dowel out vigilante justice to people who have not been convicted of crimes! This episode was a little bit of copaganda, but hey... We saw Curts push Jughead out a window!

We also see Archie saving all his friends from Juvie, and giving them a place to fight for fun Instead of for old men! Ron‘s also trying to get her parents back together with an elaborate trap, and Betty coaxes Cheryl into being her spy at the Farm. FUN!

Will Cheryl ever find a better shade of red to love? Will Ron stop flying in food goods from Magnolias? WILL BABYTEETH GET THAT DOLLAR FROM THE TOOTH FAIRY?! Yes, no, and NO RIP!

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We’re gonna have BIG FUN tonight, you teens!!! Because it’s another MUSICAL EPISODE!!!

Kevin’s back to his old shenanigans and directing the HEATHERS musical, and he’s making some WILD points to the parents! But he sends out the casting notices, and he’s going REAL method. Cheryl’s still reeling from her break up with Tone, and she’s SO MEAN TO HER!! Archie and Josie are having trouble trying to figure out exactly “what“ they are. And Reggie’s just trying MATTER to Ron! Meanwhile, Betty’s still trying to take down this cult, Jughead’s trying to dismantle his mothers rug operation, and Ron’s mad her parents are getting divorced. Don’t know why Ron’s mad though, they literally tried to murder each other!

Now that Josie has the lead, will she get more meaningful scenes? Will Cheryl and Toni get back together? WHAT IS HIRAM GONNA DO WITH THOSE EGGS?! No, of course, and LEAVE THEM!!!

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Get your party hats out everyone, cause it’s FP’s 50th BIRTHDAY!!

Gladys has something special planned for the party, and she needs Jughead to write a speech. He’s a little sceptical of her motives, but he doesn’t have the time to think about that right now. There are still SO MANY ”Kill the Red Paladin” quest cards Hiram sent out to drugged up G&G players (whoopsy). So they hold a end of quest, King of the Hill... Mountain event to get rid of the quest! Meanwhile, Reggie has feelings? And he wants to be Ron’s equal partner in her business. But Ron (famously) hates men who think, so she doesn’t let him. Also, there’s trouble with Choni when Cheryl doesn’t let Tone have a life?? Like GET A GRIP!!

Will Archie become the King of the Mountain? Why is FP the only parent who’s 50? WHY DID TONI BLIND FOLD CHERYL?! Yes, beats us, and cause it’s kinky??????

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Things are HEATING UP on Riverdale (below your feet), so take this walk with us!

This week, Archie lives out his dream of being a dad! He gets to teach this young boy boxing, and tell him all the story about how he was attacked by a bear! But things take a turn when this boy reveals he’s also marked for death! Like Archie?! Veronica’s also fed up with Gladys and Hiram running her bar, so she decides to take her feelings of being entrapped by parents into a parent trap of her own! Also, Betty’s revealed to be the worst friend possible to Kevin, because she hasn’t checked up on him in a while, and then just attacks him... You know it’s bad when the cult treats you better than your own friends. Finally, Jughead’s having trouble controlling these new Gargoyles in gang club, because they keep going after Fangs! DON’T YOU DARE!!! And we get a lil bit of Toni being super abused by Cheryl! FUN!

Will Veronica ever get to use the hiding mechanisms in her casino? Will Archie ever figure out what TikTok is? WILL CURTS PUT DOWN THE DICE AND LOOK WHAT HE’S DOING WITH HIS LIFE?!?! No, no, and never!

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We still don’t understand the title, but this is still an amazing episode!

This week, we’re talkin’ GANGS! The Serpents are loosing numbers thanks to the Pretty Poisons, so Jughead tries too reason with Toni. Too bad she’s so done with him because she has a leadership opportunity, but she’s frustrated that Jughead would have the audacity to even ask her to come back without providing something better. Cheryl beats up SWANGS, and that’s NOT THE POINT!! Meanwhile, Betty’s trying to get her mom out of the Farm, but too bad Alice is the ABSOLUTE WORST and doesn’t listen to her. So Betty tries to find someone else her mom will listen too. Also, Archie finally starts getting into his one true passion, boxing, but goes above his weight class and takes a fight to loose. Josie tries to talk him out of it, and he actually listens to her? Also, Hiram’s not focusing on his more lucrative and legal business of private prisons and focusing more on the not so profitable and illegal business of the drug trade, and Ron HATE THIS!!

Will Archie steal Elio’s robes? Will Betty finish her Farm podcast in time to save her mom? Will WHAT DO 23 HOUR FITNESS EMPLOYEES DO WITH THEIR HOUR OFF?! He brought his own, nope, and sleep, hopefully!

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HOW BIZZARE?! (*guitar riff*) HOW BIZZARE! HOW BIZZARE!

We’re getting into BIZZARODALE today baybe!! One of our favs, cause it has all of our fav characters getting what they want (before it gets RIPPED AWAY). 

Tom and Sierra are getting married! And they don’t want a big wedding, because you know... They’re in the middle of awful divorces and the town was just ravaged by a yet to be caught Gargoyle King. Kevin and Josie refuse, and decie to throw them a little party! But just as they get down to peggin’ hard, they get a little something blue from... The Gargoyle King!!! Meanwhile, Cheryl outs Moose to the whole school cause he won’t date Kevin, and Toni is PISSED! But all she wants is to go to Highsmith college!! And Ron and Reggie need to make all the money back they BURNT (the durgs, they would never burn money) and decide to rob Reggie‘s dad’s automotive depo with a full proof Reggie plan! Also, Josie’s grossly underprepared for her Julliard audition, but Archie enables her anyways.

Will Kevin ever find love? Will Cheryl learn the meaning of privilege? DOES SIERRA EAT ASS?! No :’(, yes, and OH YEAH BAYBEE

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Time for Noir town to become... Crime town??? I dunno, but we’re leanin’ into genre today!

Ron pays for Jugheads friendship and his sleuthing skills to find out who shot her father. He finds out from Hermione about Hirams secret love affair with his real life wife, Kelly Ripa! Meanwhile, Archie spirals out of control and loses ALL his construction working privilages when he refuses to abide by the union‘s rules! While this is going on, Ron looks into her fathers shady drug business to keep up her family apperances.

Will Archie ever stop drinking long enough to deal with his demons? Will that man ever get treatment for his grape allergy? WILL SOMEONE HELP SMITHERS?! Meh, kind of? Probably not (and that’s alright with him), and NO! BUT THEY SHOULD!!!

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Archie’s dead guys!! NO MORE RIVERDALE?! Lol, JK, Jug LIES!

We’re doin’ a fun lil sweet gem today! Because Archie’s back in town! And he’s one step closer to being part of the main story arch that’s been going on for the past 9 episodes! But Ron’s conflicted, because she’s mad he broke up with her, and also mad that he died his red hair?! And also Reggie’s the better boyfriend... But to help Archie aclamate to life in Riverale, she does the one thing she knows how to do... Throw a party! Meanwhile, Alice STOLE ALL OF BETTY’S MONEY?! And she donated it to the FARM? This is WILD! Even for ALICE! Betty finds out that her mom forged her dads signature to steal her money, and now she has to visit the one place she never wanted to. Her dad... In Silence of the Lambs Jail... Sponsored by Squarespace. Also, Jughead’s plan is coming together as Fangs gets closer to the Gargole Kings inner circle. When the ceremony hits, the Serpents strike, and the Gargole King is revealed to be... TALLBOY?! (WHO IS THAT EVEN?) Also, the SAT are this Saturday, and Archie thinks he can pass them (lol).

Will revealing Tallboy be the linch pin that finally takes Hiram down? Will Reggie meet up with that adult woman as a teen on Bubble? WILL ARCHIE LEARN TO READ?! Nope, hopefully not, and LOL, WHY START NOW?!

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QUAR IS OVER... AT LEAST IN RIVERDALE!! (Click Bait)

And though people need to socially distant, Arch doesn’t get the memo and decides to sneeze right in the face of a BEAR! Then he goes on a spirit quest to eliminate his inner demons! Meanwhile, Betty’s learning all the ups and downs of being a single mother to dozens of traumatised, drugged up teens. All the while, she’s trying to get the Sisters of Quiet Mercy thrown in JAIL! Jughead is also trying to bring back order to the serpents he couldn’t see for 5 weeks (because of the quar) and their broken and without money. Ron, meanwhile, is trying to get her father to stop extorting her in a minx coat. Wonder how they can solve that? Also, Choni are Batman villians, but whatelse is new!

Will Reggie find new smuggling routes? Will Fangs ever learn how to run a drug operation? WILL  THE BEAR COME BACK FOR REVENGE?! No, no, and WE CAN ONLY HOPE! (#bearforSeason5)

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Quarantine has NOT been kind to this episode! But it’s been wild none the less!

Archie and Jug have finally made it to Toledo (wherever that is) to rendevous with Gladys Jones and Jelly Bean. Kind of to give Archie a safe place to hide from Hiram, but mostly so Jughead can go OFF on his mother for abandoning him. Meanwhile, Betty‘s converted (detoxed from all those drugs) Ethel and now they’re formulating a plan to break out all the orphans from the Sisters of Quiet Mercy. Because you know, that’s thought out. Also, Hiram’s trying to shut down Riverdale because of all the seizures, but Ron is NOT having it!!

Will JB kill a man? Will Betty‘s Griffin Queen look be brought back for All Stars 5? WILL MAPLE-BOARDING BECOME A US MILITARY TACTIC?! Eventually, hopefully, and I HOPE NOT! THAT SHIT’S CRUEL!

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HERE COMES THE MAN IN BLACK!!! No fun hat or ANYTHING! JUST PLAIN HIRAM!!

This episode is a fun lil three parter! We get to Archie and Jug, running from the law (Hiram). They escape to a small farm in the middle of no where that has a CREEPY vibe to it! Ron realizes that owning a small business isn’t always as easy as it seems, so she calls in resident slime ball, Elio, to help her draw business (in a very dumb way). And Betty’s sneakin’ around the Sisters of Quiet Mercy trying to get secrets, but she faces her worst foe yet... Ethel (YUCK!). Though these stories seem disconnected, they’re all connected by one man... HIRAM LODGE!!!

Will Laurie Lake ever get her family back? Will Reggie ever wear those pants again? WILL ETHELS VISION BOARD MANIFES?! Probably not, no (RIP), and LOL could you imagine?!?!

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Back from the Bunker BAYBEE!! And we’re not the only ones livin’ in it!! 

Archie’s still in his bunker, because there’s a MAN HUNT for him!! But he has sepsis from the pip he crawled through, so he makes Kevin take him to DCJ with those sweet sweet small bills! Meanwhile, Bughead splits up their sleuthing endeavours, Betty takes on ALL the parents for their G&G dealings, and Jughead looks into the Gargoyle Gang some more. Also, ROn is the only good lawyer in this town and figures out that the testimony that was given to put Archie away was VERYYYY edited! 

Will Ron be able to prove Archie innocent? Will they STOP taking Kevin for granted? WILL SOMEONE DO SOMETHING ABOUT REGGIE’S ABUSIVE FATHER?!?! Yes, lol they'll never and NO WTF GUYS HELP HIM!!! 

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QUARANTINE TIME!!! We’ve run out of back log, but we’re not going to let the fact that we can’t be together stop us from doing what we love! Much like Ron in this episode!! See... We rounded it out!

TIME TO MAKE A BREAK FOR IT!! Archie’s makin‘ a plan to get out of jail, and Ron’s gonna help him do it! Meanwhile, Jughead is in a full G&G K-hole, and Swangs is NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT! Not until he writes the most EPIC QUEST OF ALL TIME! But all goes awry when Joaquin gives Archie the ol’ kiss and stab!!! RIGHT before the big fight he was supposed to escape out of! Also, Betty’s trying to sleuth some more, but NO ONE’S helping her out. Which is sad!!!!

Will Archie survive the Pit long enough to crawl through a pipe? Will Cheryl eventually skewer an arrow into Jughead? WILL SOMEONE EVER DO ANYTHING ABOUT REGGIES ABUSIVE FATHER?! Yes, no, and kind of?

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Guys! This is it! Probably one of the best episodes of Riverdale of ALL TIME!! And we have a very special (and apropos guest) for todays podcast... Geoffrey Cann! AKA BRIDGETS DAD!!

This episode, things are TWISTIN UP!! TEENS ARE PLAYING THE ADULTS!! In this #throwback episode, Alice recounts the story of the Midnight Club. When all the adults of Riverdale were horny teens lookin’ to get into trouble! When they, through fighting or streaking, all get put into detention together, the most unlikely (yet super likely) friend group forms. That is until they make a shocking discovery while breaking into the teachers desk... The Griffins and Gargoyles Manual(TM)!!!!

Will Alice ever tell FP she’s pregnant? Will any of them (minus Fred) live their dreams and get out of Riverdale? WILL THE JANITOR EVER DO HIS JOB?! Eventually, NO, and LOL JUGHEAD LIVED IN THAT CLOSET TOO GROSS!!!

LETS GET READY TO RUUUUUUUMBLE!!! Cause the PIT. IS. OPEN!!

This episode really sheds light on the corrupt criminal justice system, and one boy find hope in... Just kidding, Archie gets bullied into fighting in the PITS by this sick sick lil Warden! He doesn’t want to do it, but he’s gotta... And he’s gotta put on a show!! Meanwhile, Bughead remains adamant in their sleuthing, and split up to track Ethel and Evelyn! And Ron is starting to feel the pressure of running a night club. Hiring influencers, paying protection, or trying to stop drugs from being run out of her establishment!

Will Archie rise to the top of this Teen fight club in a Pool? Will Evelyn successfully share that pizza with anyone? WHERE WILL VERONICA HANG THAT PORTRAIT?! YES! No, she eats it all! And RIGHT IN FRONT BAYBEEE!!!

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Time for a little JAIL HOUSE ROCK BAYBEE!! Only not as fun (and wayyyyyy more violent)

It’s Archie’s first day in juvenile detention, but you would think he’s going to a real adult prison. After adequatelay being floured and breaded, he tries to get protection with his Serpent tattoo, but winds up getting shanked by a bunch of Ghoulies!! Thank GOD for his hot/cultured roommate! Meanwhile, Ron’s trying to keep everything on track and become student boday president (cause FUCK ETHEL), but turns out Cheryl stole her seat?! All the while Bughead are doing their one true kink, sleuthing for a murdered teen!

Will Bughead ever be brave enough to face a pile of sticks? Will Ron be able to keep her life together? WILL THESE TROUBLED TEENS EVER KNOW THE SWEET HIGHS AND LOWS OF HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL?!?! No, NEVER, an LOL THEY ARE SO TROUBLE ARCHIE WTF!!!

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Season 3 is here! And we have a very special guest, Paul JP!! He’s bringing in the “legal” angle (or, as the Riverdale writers would say, the “buzzkill” angle).

Summer‘s almost over, as the gang heads into their junior year. Only one problem... Archie‘s on trial for MURDER! And he didn’t even commit it!!!! Everyone’s sad, and doesn’t really know how to process this. Except for Ron who HATES her dad for doing this (which, honestly... fair). So they have a pool party instead! FP gives Archie a gang tattoo, Fangs tells everyone the Ghoulies have hot dog. By god, this season is shaping up to be wayyyyyy better!!

Will Veronica convince her father to stop having a vendetat against teens? Will Archie be found guilty? Has Vegas left the house all summer?? NEVER, NO BUT HE GOES ANYWAYS, AND ABSOLUTELY #justiceforVegas!

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Gang, we did it! Season two is over, and it’s time to wrap up and head into the next season! We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve laughed even more! Thank you all so much for coming on this journey with us! But now we must start the beginning of the end.

We move past this trailer bait trash of a scene (that foreshadows season four?), and Jughead wakes out of his comma to find out the Serpents are no more! But Fangs is alive (YAY!!), and FP tells him he should really call Betty, cause she’s going through it! And she is, with Alice! But her dad’s the Blackhood, can you blame her? Meanwhile, everyone remembers they were all running for student council, so they all drop out except for Archie. His chances of winning against Ethel are surprisingly good! Today’s also the last day to run for Mayor, so we’ll get our results of the Fred vs Hermione face off! Also, Cheryl emancipates herself from her family, but finds out about the League of Supervillians that has been established for a while, but we NEVER SEE!!!

Will the Serpents ever come back from this devistating loss? Can the Coopers recover from Hal’s arrest? WHERE’S ETHEL?! Yes, no, and WE DON’T KNOW!!!!

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LETS START A RIOT!! Because there’s no due process anymore, and we’re all SHEEP!

Last we left off, the town of Riverdale was on the verge of collapsing! Fangs was shot, and everyone’s letting loose!!! The Blackhood is also out on the loose, and Cheryl shoots him with a bow! BH DOWN (not Black Hawk). Betty gets a heads up before heading home to see that her kitchen sink is covered in blood?!?! Archie is trying to save Reggie from being chopped up by the Serpents, because Hiram convinced him to shoot Fangs. But he didn’t do it! Midges mom did!! Ron’s also cussing out her mom, cause she placed a bounty on the Blackhood with her hard earned randsom money! Also, the Ghoulies are back in town, and the Serpents are going to war over it? This episode is truly wild, we even forgot about Petit Frites for a while...

Are Betty’s sucpisions about the Blackhood correct? Will Archie find Reggie before Sweet Pea fucks? WHAT WILL JUGHEAD DO?! Yes, yes, and BE A DANG IDIOT!!

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RIP MIDGE KLUMP! Gone, and slowly forgotten!

The children of Riverdale are SHOOK over their (kind of) friend Midge getting cruisified in front of the WHOLE town! Everyone’s blaming Tom Keller but it’s like, leave this man alone!! Meanwhile, Reggie knows that the Serpents FUCK so now the Bulldogs are going to war, and Archie and Jughead are in the middle of it!! Betty, instead of turing to her sleuthy boyfriend, turns to Cheryl (wild choice) because she thinks her dad’s the Blackhood (cause she’s finally making sense).  Also, Hiram is really getting off on all these teen boys causing trouble, and he’s trying to get all those mob boys to date Veronica, but not do business with her??

Will Betty get some sound advice from Cheryl? What will happen between the Bulldogs and the Serpents? WHO FUCKED MIDGE?! Yes (surprisingly), they fight, and EVERYONE!!!!!

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MIDGE IS DEAD!! NOO! Now it’s time to double down on this Blackhood plot to avenge his death??

Sherif Keller, fueled by the slap of his life, is trying to solve this murder. Archie gets VERY triggered by this, so he goes back to Svenson’s and gets ambushed by a gang of blach hood’s lead by NICK ST CLAIR! Ron tries to pay his ranson, but Hiram (fianlly) admits that Archie’s not his son and won’t help him. So Ron takes things into her own hands! Meanwhile, Betty’s trying to find out who Chic REALLY is an, spoiler alert, he’s lying about being Charles! So they do the only rational thing, lock him in a basement and beat the shit out of him till he confesses! But then Betty gets a call, and it sounds a bit ~sweet~.

Will Ron get Archie out from Nick’s clutches? Will Chic ever stay consistent in being either scared or tough? Will Hiram be able to repare the broken shambles of his relationship with Archie? Of course, never, and NOOO, BADDIE DADDIE IS DONE!!

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THAT’S NOT MY NAAAAAAAAME!!! But now it’s time for the episode, acording to RUDE DUDES!! 

The first musical episode of Riverdale... Such a beautiful thing. And what a msuical to pick!! Kevin is a mad man director, getting Phantom of the Opera’d and REFUSING to cow down! Jughead’s there to capture all of this for what is PROBABLY going to be a Making a Murderer style true crime series! But forget about that, time for some DRAM set to MUSIC!! Betty and Ron are FIGHTING, because Ron’s a BAD FRIEND!! And Archie feels bad that his mob dad is bribing him with a new car (and the puma unleashes, with a WICKED idea!!) Also, Cheryl’s out of converstion therapy and she’s ready to BURN THIS SCHOOL DOWN!! Also, Alice being in this musical will never not be insane! 

Will Cheryl get recast? What will happen to B&V?! WILL ARCHIE EVER TRUELY REALIZE THAT HIRAM IS MANIPULATING HIM?! Yes, unfortunately; they make up and it SUCKED; and slowly...

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Tonight, good boys (Rude Dudes) only, because (much like Hiram) our MTL crew is GONE?!?!

This episode gets some backstory for season 4, cause DARLA’S COMIN’ TO TOWN!! After the city’s weekly inspection of Sweet Water River (for dead bodies), they discover the shady man’s car! Betty and Jug, why did you throw it in an obvious place!! So FALICE is in the case, too bad Chic DOESN’T get possessed by the poltergiest and decides it’s a good idea to invite DARLA to their home?! Meanwhile, Hiram’s left defenceless, and Lenny and Carl take a break from drinking at Moe’s to shake him down for money! Archie comes to his not so baddie daddie’s rescue and tries to be the meat shield he was meant to be! Also, you know... Cheryl’s in conversation therapy, which is the most pressing, but she’s just moving mulch so not really?

What board game is Darla’s favourite? Was Cheryl supposed to move the mulch over there? HOW MANY MORE CIRCLE’S CAN THEIR BE?! Monopoly, NO!! And PLEASE GOD (NO) MORE!!

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Today, we’re turning on all the lights! Cause the only one who noticed they were off was our guest, Devon Henderson!

Todays episode of Riverdale, Betty’s really going to war with Chic! She calls him out for not having Blossom blood, but Alice still confirms that he’s her son?! BUT THAT MEANS... Oh now! Archie dives even further down the rabbit hole with Hiram, and his mom is NOT HAVING IT!! Jughead also finds out that Hiram is bulldozing Southside High, so decides to go on a hunger strike... Which no one really cares except for Hiram, so it kind of worked? Also, Ron’s running for student body president, and she’s got a female first platform! Just not Ethel first... But Ethel gives her hers! Also, Cheryl’s family is trying to kill her for... No reason???

Will Archie and Jughead ever go back to being best friends?  Who’s Chic’s father? WHERE DID TONI LEARN THOSE MOVES?! OF COURSE! We don’t know, because he’s not really Chic (but it’s FP lol), and MADELINE PETSCH, BAYBEE (problem, cannot confirm).