Map the Maze

If you're listening to this episode consider checking out the Youtube video on Map the Maze for visuals.  Today I wanted to talk about flow and the importance of achieving flow state to recharge your batteries.  The end of the year can be challenging for everyone and if you are also experiencing separation and divorce then you may be feeling overwhelmed.   We all know what helps us to clear our minds.  The key though is to schedule and do it.  Ensuring you find time for flow can increase your capacity to manage mediation, negotiating with your former spouse and navigating the transition through separation. 

Building a team and putting one together can help you get through separation and divorce in the best and most constructive way possible. First step is to identify who you already have in the team.  Then identify any gaps. Use the existing team / word of mouth to help you find the missing elements.  

If you are going to work with a professional then make sure it is someone you feel comfortable with.  Have a preliminary call and see if this is someone you would like to work with.  The work itself is very difficult, it is even harder if you are working with a professional you don't like.  

Lastly make sure you maximise the benefit of working with a professional.  For example, if you are working with a counsellor to help with the grieving process, then let them know you will be mediating.  They will be able to give you tools to help you stay focused and regulate emotion in the mediation session. Make the most of the help you have.

What are the ways you can help yourself?

• take care of yourself - sleep / eating / exercise
• flowstate
• journalling
• support groups

and make sure to schedule it.

Almost everyone relies on friends and family to help them transition through separation and divorce. What do you need to know? Who is the hawk? moderate? dove? in your tribe?

This month is all about getting help when going through separation and divorce.

Most people will seek professional help during their separation and divorce.  The most common that I see for my clients are: counsellors / lawyers / financial advisors.  Listen in to find out what issues you may want to consider when working with a professional.

James Clear, author of "Atomic Habits" explains that goals are good for setting a direction but systems are best for making progress.  How can people in family mediation build systems to help build good habits for their future co-parenting? Listen in to find out...

When parents separate, it can be difficult to delineate the reaction to the ending of the adult relationship and the necessary continuation of the co-parenting relationship. This book is relatively short and compact.  It provides insights from the Woodalls' practice for separated parents about how to put the focus back on their children and on co-parenting.

Today's book is about how to notice warning signs on the way into a relationship. Not the obvious choice for a list put together by a family mediator. However, Bill Eddy whose work I have previously discussed provides a guide for people who are not yet in relationship. If you are single or recently single then consider adding this to your summer reading.

I love mythology, but mediation myths can harm parties. Listen to find out the top 5 divorce mediation myths.

Nothing in this podcast is intended to be legal, financial or mental health advice. Always consult a professional for advice in relation to your situation.

In this last episode in the difficult conversations topic, I talk about the post mortem.  After the difficult conversation, not many people reflect and view what happened.  Asking yourself some questions to guide that reflection can help to make sure you learn from the conversation - however it went! Make sure to make the most from this opportunity to learn more about yourself and how to have a better difficult conversation next time.

Nothing in this podcast is intended to be legal, financial or mental health advice.  Always consult a professional about your situation.

And the one most important tip - Move your body - n to find out why...r emotions. Don't let your emotions or reactions to the other person, distract you from achieving your goals. Listen to find out how...  

- increase your emotional library

- monitor body reactions

- find your flow AND schedule it

- be curious

- label your emotions

- engage your prefrontal cortex  - System 2

And the one most important tip - Move your body - Listen to find out why...

Nothing in this podcast is intended to be legal, financial or mental health advice. Always consult a professional regarding your personal circumstances.

Using ideas from a workshop on difficult conversations in the workplace, I wanted to share some ideas about difficult conversations in family mediation.  First step is preparation and in this podcast, I will share some ideas about how to prepare. Podcast is also available on Youtube on the Map the Maze channel if you feel like video!

Books referred to:

Getting More - Stuart Diamond

Difficult Conversations - Stone, Patton and Heen

Nothing in this podcast is intended to be legal , financial or mental health advice.  You should always consult with a professional regarding your personal situation.

This is the last in the opportunity series.  What opportunities for better conflict management exist within family mediation? How can participating in family mediation lead to better conversations and discussions outside mediation?

Listen in or watch the Map the Maze podcast channel.

Nothing in this podcast, is intended to be legal, financial or mental health advice. You should always consult a professional regarding your personal circumstances.

Next in the Opportunity series, a look at how mediation can empower people in respect of finances. 

Often people express fears about their finances:

• they have insufficient knowledge
• they do not have the same values around finances as their former partner
• they are worried about financial stability going forward

Mediation helps address these concerns. In mediation, people are encouraged to feel empowered around finances.  This can mean, asking questions, understanding assets / liabilities of the family, maybe for the first time.  Going froward, people often feel a sense of relief around regaining financial independence.  People may not have the resources they hoped for, but lots of parties feel empowered as they can make their own decisions going forward.

Nothing in this podcast is intended to be financial, legal or mental health advice.  You should always consult a professional for advice in relation to your circumstances.

We often focus solely on the negative aspects of separation and divorce.  The impact of all the losses experienced by people in separation and divorce cannot be minimised, but it is not the whole story.  Over the next few weeks, I want to share some ideas with you about the opportunities, the new beginnings that people can experience.

Nothing in this podcast is intended to be financial, legal or mental health advice.  You should always consult a professional for advice in relation to your circumstances.

Final part in this series - focuses on communication.  Listen in to learn about what we teach mediators about listening, acknowledging, reframing and summarising.

In the second part, I wanted to share some of the ideas that we use to train family mediators in respect of negotiation. We have all been at the market and done the salami slice school of negotiation, where one person starts high and the other starts low, and then through incremental offers, try and close the gap. Modern mediation is based on a different theory of negotiation, interest-based or principled negotiation. How is this different from what we do in the market? listen in to find out...

In the next three episodes I wanted to share with you how we train family mediators. This week looks at the underlying philosophy and how family mediators try to work in children's best interests.  Next week, I start looking at some of the skills.

Having looked at a few other ways to think about the stages of divorce and separation, today I wanted to share how I see the different stages. This can be a helpful way of seeing when people may work with a mediator and some of the challenges about working with a mediator at the different stages. Understanding what stage you are at can help to prepare for the mediation and also to understand where the other person may be in the transition.

Today I'm sharing Kessler's 7 stages of divorce.  Why is it helpful to think about the stage of divorce you may be experiencing?  There are a few reasons why I think it's helpful:

• often people transitioning through divorce and separation can feel very isolated. In reality, many people experiencing divorce and separation have felt similar emotions.  
• whatever you are experiencing or feeling will not last forever, it may be your present, but it is not your future
• other people have managed to work through their divorce and separation and find answers to the questions and challenges they were facing

On one level understanding more about the stage you are facing, can help put your experience in perspective.  It can also give you insight into your former partner and the stage they are in.  People rarely experience all of these stages at the same time / duration.

Today we are joined by Andrea Clark, trichologist.  Andrea shares with us her expertise and insights into the impact separation and divorce may have on our hair and scalp health.  She also shares ideas about when to seek help and how to improve our own hair and scalp health.  

For more information on trichology: andreaclark.trichologist@gmail.com

or follow her on Instagram: Andrea_stylist_trichologist

Nothing in this podcast is intended to be financial, legal or mental health advice. You should always consult a professional for advice in relation to your circumstances.

Way back in 1970 Paul Bohannon identified what he described as the six station model of divorce.  Although 50 years has passed these stations remain true for parties experiencing divorce and separation in 2021.  Each station has a focus and impact on how parties respond in mediation.  The six stations are:

• emotional divorce
• legal divorce
• economic divorce
• co-parental divorce
• community divorce
• psychic divorce

Nothing in this podcast is intended to be financial, legal or mental health advice. You should always consult a professional for advice in relation to your circumstances.

It may be that life changes require a mediated agreement or a court order to be varied to take into account changes in life.  This can be foreseen if the changes relate to the developmental changes / needs of children, or it may be because someone has lost a job and can no longer afford the maintenance ordered. People may return to mediation to discuss with the other party the changes that they wish to make.  Of all changes to arrangements, the hardest one to discuss is relocation of one parent with the children to another country.

Nothing in this podcast is intended to be financial, legal or mental health advice.  You should always consult a professional for advice in relation to your circumstances.

As the hard work of mediation draws to a close people start to focus on the mediated agreement. The status of this document is different in different jurisdictions and if you have questions you should check with a lawyer in your jurisdiction.

Once the agreements by the parties have been drafted by the mediator what are some of the things that can happen? How do people move towards signing the mediated agreement? Remembering and re-focusing on the priority goals / gains and risk analysis can be extremely helpful to remind people why they have made these arrangements. Working with lawyers to review wording and to seek legal advice can also be helpful.

Lastly being aware of the chances of 'post-settlement blues' can be helpful!

Nothing in this podcast is intended to be financial, legal or mental health advice. You should always consult a professional for advice in relation to your circumstances.

In some negotiations, the parties may reach a point of where it seems that there is no energy or creativity left to settle the last issue. This can be caused by:

•the cumulative effect of their concessions can overwhelm the parties 

•a party may feel ambivalence about ending the and that feeling may prevent them from coming up with a solution

John Wade wrote a fascinating article, "The Last Gap in Negotiations: Why is it important? How can it be crossed?" and suggested multiple ways to close the last gap including:

• flipping a coin
• splitting the difference
• transferring the gap to a third party
• expanding the pie
• selling the item and splitting proceeds
• and more

Nothing in this podcast is intended to be legal, financial or mental health advice.  You should always consult a professional for advice in relation to your specific circumstances.

When you receive a proposal in mediation, it is fine to refuse it. You can then wait for the other person to come back with another offer, or as part of a constructive negotiation dance, you can make a counterproposal.

• Use the proposal as information, what does it tell you about what the other person thinks you want? what do they know ? what are the gaps in their knowledge about what is important for you?
• Analyse the elements of the proposal - what works? what needs to be adjusted? what is of no interest to you?
• Build on the proposal - can you use the same structure? this can be an efficient way of negotiating.  If there is a new element which you need to introduce, understand it may slow things down as people need to understand it
• the big question - do you want to settle this? sometimes working through the negotiation process may make it clear to you that you don't want to settle

Nothing in this podcast is intended to be financial, legal or mental health advice. You should always consult a professional for advice in relation to your specific circumstances.

When we receive a proposal from someone, we often respond with an instinctive "No" .  In mediation, there are a few key factors to considering a proposal which can help to close gaps, including:

• listening - sounds basic but often we don't hear things clearly
• clarifying questions - ask questions to understand a proposal - it is easy to make assumptions
• take a moment to reflect - does this meet my needs?
• be conscious of cognitive biases e.g. reactive devaluation
• do risk analysis - lots of factors
• ok to say 'no', but consider making a counter proposal

Nothing in this podcast is intended to be financial, legal or mental health advice.  You should always consult a professional for advice in relation to your circumstances.

There are lots of factors to consider when making proposals in mediation.  Today I talk about:

• Where are we in the negotiation dance? Insult? Closing the gap?
• Does this offer meet their needs? Does this offer meet my needs?
• Does this offer build on their previous offers? Or is this a different way to do things?
• What elements of the offer could I consider which are important to them and not important to me? What is easy for me to give / do and valuable for them?
• Have I considered the risks if I do not settle this negotiation? have I weighed that into my offer?
• Have I acknowledged the needs that they have explained to me? Can I demonstrate that I get what they need?
• Is there a gesture I could make which would make a difference to the other person?

DISCLAIMER

Nothing in this episode is intended to be legal, financial  or mental health advice. You should always consult with an independent  professional to obtain advice in relation to your specific circumstances.

After the individual intakes, the family mediator will meet with both parties in the joint session.  What happens? what do you need to prepare? what should you expect? and importantly, how can you get the best out of the session?

Disclaimer

Nothing in this episode is intended to be legal, financial or mental health advice. You should always consult with an independent professional to obtain advice in relation to your specific circumstances.

Most family mediators will meet with each party individually prior to mediation, this is often called an intake.  This episode covers what happens at intake, what questions you may be asked and what questions you can ask of the mediator.  How can you get the most out of your intake for the mediation.

Disclaimer

Nothing in this episode is intended to be legal, financial or mental health advice. You should always consult with an independent professional to obtain advice in relation to your specific circumstances.

In this week's episode I share his ideas on the 'how-to'  of forgiveness.

Some key ideas for Forgiveness

• Know exactly how you feel about what happened – be able to articulate it – tell a couple of trusted people your experience
• Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. No one even needs to know your decision
• Understand your goal. Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the person who hurt you – you are after peace and well-being for yourself.
• Give up expecting things from other people or life that they do not choose to give you. Recognise the unenforceable rules. Remind yourself you can Hope for love, health, friendship and success, however you will suffer if you demand them and do not have the power to make them happen
• Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met.
• Remember that a life well-lived is your best revenge. Don’t give power to the person who hurt you.
• Amend your grievance story and be the hero. Make the choice to forgive.

Please note that nothing in this podcast is intended to be legal, financial or mental health advice.  You should always consult a professional to assist with your own specific circumstances.

Last week, I shared with you  Luskin's ideas about forgiveness, including the idea that we need to learn how to forgive for our health.  Luskin describes the challenge we each face when we have not forgiven someone of the planes that never land. The grievances we have which prevent us from living fully in the present and having control over how we live and feel. This week, I will be sharing Luskin's ideas about how the planes get up there in the first place.

Next week, the all important - how do we land the planes?

This podcast is not intended to be legal, financial or mental health advice.  You should always consult a professional to assist with your specific circumstances.