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The Fully Lived Life

The Fully Lived Life

By Dr. Merry and Coach Gillian
Welcome to the Fully Lived Life, a podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends – a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose – with wisdom, humour, and transparency – through the lens of faith, science, psychology, and life experiences.
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057 - Regulating Our Emotions During Times of Stress
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humor, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and faith. What? Dr. Merry walks Gillian, aka “Stella the lab rat”, through an exercise in emotional regulation. Gillian shares how she hit the Covid wall and wallowed in her feelings. How can we walk in real time through situations that trigger a full on emotional dysregulation? Tune in to hear a therapy session! So What? Lets lean in to differentiate between stress (internal - our response) and stressor (external event) - we can’t control the current situation but we can learn to manage our stress responses. Our emotional response is what can exponentially increase our stress and cause undue suffering. Now What? If you’re struggling with controlling your emotions, consider how to STOPP (Vivyan, 2015). STOPP is a strategy that will help you in the heat of the moment when you are dealing with intense emotions. It incorporates aspects of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), and mindfulness meditation to help you more effectively address and manage your emotional response to a challenging, difficult, or rage-inducing incident. STOPP stands for: S– Stop! Just pause for a moment. T – Take a Breath - Notice your breathing as you breathe in and out. O – Observe - what’s going on, your thoughts, feelings, your focus, your reactions P – Pull Back – Put in Some Perspective: What’s the bigger picture? What is another way of looking at this situation? What would a trusted friend say to me right now? Is this a fact or an opinion? How important will it be in 6 months’ time? P – Practice What Works – Proceed o What is the best thing to do right now? For me? For others? For the situation? o What can I do that fits with my values? o Do what will be effective and appropriate (Vivyan, 2015). Therapeutic and Life Coaching Responses: Here are two links to worksheets to help you develop emotional regulation skills: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/dbt-emotion-regulation-skills.pdf https://positivepsychology.com/wp-content/uploads/Radical-Acceptance-Worksheet.pdf Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
32:52
February 26, 2021
056 - Forgiving Yourself
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humor, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and faith. Are you stuck in a place where you are full of regret or self-loathing about an area of your life? Perhaps you are stuck in a place of unforgiveness towards yourself. The steps to pursue self-forgiveness (Dr. Fred Luskin): Categorize the offense - have we hurt someone, hurt ourselves through self-destructive behaviour, not do/say something we should have, etc. Know how we feel - articulate the specific wrong and the harm it has caused. Understand what you want - how will forgiving yourself play out? Have realistic expectations - perhaps you want to be reconciled to the person you harmed but that is not reasonable. Identify the hurt STOP - hit the stop button on keeping ourselves in the loop of unforgiveness. Apologize to the harmed party. Practice PERT - see the therapeutic response. Replace with gratitude - see Life Coaching response. Therapeutic Response: Practice PERT (Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique) When you find yourself going into that loop, take 45 seconds: Close your eyes, take a deep breath, slowly exhale and repeat On the third breath focus on a place of beauty, a forest, a lake, a sunset, etc. If you have apologized, remind yourself I have apologized and owned that. Life Coaching Response: Replace guilt with gratitude. Practicing gratitude gives our minds and our bodies a break from all the shame and guilt by replacing them with gratitude. It helps to have a quote,  a verse that you can repeat when the guilt and shame comes up. E.g., “There is now no condemnation..” Romans 8:1. So now the case is closed  There remains no accusing voice of condemnation against those who are joined in union with Jesus. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Dr. Fred Luskin: https://amzn.to/3tHJJTt
31:57
February 19, 2021
055 - Kick Your Inner Critic to the Curb! (Part 2 of 2)
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humour, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and faith. What? Today’s episode concludes our conversation into the Inner Critic. The inner critic can show up in a variety of different ways. Learning to recognize it takes practice. The inner critic is a structure within our ego-personality that judges. It judges us. It judges others. It tends to shame us, blame us, and make us feel bad about ourselves. So What? The Enneagram can open the door and show us how our inner critic works based on type-specific dynamics.. When we let our inner critics rule, we settle for a shadow version of our lives: Type 1—Ones want goodness but settle for order. Type 2—Twos want unconditional love but settler for niceness. Type 3—Threes want worth but settle for image. Type 4—Fours want belonging but settle for longing. Type 5—Fives want competency but settle for knowledge. Type 6—Sixes want loyalty but settle for safety. Type 7—Sevens want contentment but settle for excitement. Type 8—Eights want protection but settle for control. Type 9—Nines want peace but settle for calm. Now What? Therapeutic Response: Work toward developing a capacity for awareness in the moment and presence, catching or noticing an inner critic attack in real-time and dropping in. But even if we don’t notice it in the moment, we can reflect each day, through journaling, where our inner critic showed up during the day. But getting to know our own unique inner critic is really important. So, identifying what the targets are, identifying what some of the specific messages are around those targets in an objective way without allowing the inner critic to judge us for having an inner critic. Life Coaching Response: Can you find yourself represented in any of the Enneagram numbers we discussed?What do you want that your inner critic is protecting you from? Can you address the needs your inner critic is meeting and have compassion on the way the critic shows up but then work towards the healthy side of your Enneagram number? Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
25:21
February 12, 2021
054 - Kick Your Inner Critic to the Curb! (Part 1 of 2)
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humour, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and faith. What? In Today’s episode, Dr. Merry leads us through Part 1 of the Inner Critic.  All of us experience this voice in us that sounds a lot like us. This voice is often left to run roughshod over us, and if we let it, it will end up sabotaging ourselves and be unable to move forward in growth or to reach our goals. So it is important for us to understand how each one of us has an inner critic within us, and how much it can control us. So What? Because criticism is so damaging to our soul’s let’s lean into the conversation to discover the source and the way forward! We know that criticism from others can be harmful to a relationship and it actually doesn’t work to change behaviour. What is self-criticism? Self-criticism is the tendency to evaluate oneself harshly. Self-critical individuals are always scrutinizing themselves and their performance in most areas of their life. Now What? Therapeutic Response: What can we do if we want to become less self-critical? Acknowledge that our self-criticism came about for a reason and has likely had some purpose in our life. So, we should refrain from criticizing ourselves for being self-critical. We can try to be curious about the feelings behind our self-criticism. Is there a part of us that is feeling scared, angry, ashamed, and/or sad? We can try to have compassion for those feelings. We can do our best to pay attention to our inner dialogue and notice when it becomes harsh and critical. Sometimes, when we’re feeling angry and anxious, it’s partly because the voice in our head has become attacking, so it helps to be mindful. We can challenge our critical self-talk. For example, “It’s not true that my presentation was terrible. I could tell that some people were enjoying it.” We can try to be more compassionate with ourselves and talk to ourselves as we might a friend. For example, “It’s really hard to feel that I worked so hard on something and it still didn’t go as well as I’d have liked. It’s understandable to be feeling upset about this.” Life Coaching Response: Over the course of the week keep a record of how, when, and what your Inner Critic says to you. What theme’s arise? When do you most feel the wrath of the Inner Critic? Keep this record for Part 2 of the Inner Critic in our next Episode. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
21:09
February 5, 2021
053 - Forgiveness - The Gift you Give to Yourself!
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humour, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences.  What: Today we delve into the topic of forgiveness from a scientific and faith perspective.  So What: Forgiveness differs from reconciliation or justice. Forgiveness benefits the individual by: ● greater feelings of happiness, hopefulness, and optimism.  ● can protect against anxiety and depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. ● reducing unhealthy anger ● repairing potentially valuable relationships ● may lead to intergenerational and even societal improvement Now What:   1. Acknowledge the pain: Acknowledge that you’ve been hurt at the hands of others. This includes seeing the negative behaviour that your pain hides in - judgement, criticism, withdrawal, hatred, vengeance - not in self-judgement but so you can understand the underlying pain that fuels your negative behaviours 2. Validate the pain - give yourself compassion to validate your hurt and anger, even if the offender minimizes your pain. We know from healthy emotional processing that we have to enter the tunnel of our emotions and come out of the other side. This may include inviting someone else into your story, who can help with empathy. These first two steps may take some time so give yourself grace as you do this.  3. Forgive the pain - this will be a rational decision you make, which you may have to make repeatedly when the offense comes to mind (or if the offender continues to repeat the hurtful behavior). Recognize how unforgiveness has kept you captive and this is about what’s healthy and good for yourself. Be specific about what you’re forgiving. 4. Release the pain - focus on how you’ve grown from the experience. And begin to think about whether the act was intentional to harm you or comes out of the offender’s own pain, to cultivate compassion for them. If you’re a person of faith, choose to give over your pain to God and trust that he’s got this. And ask God to help you see that offender with his eyes. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI  Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0  Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
31:31
January 29, 2021
052 - The Land of the Unknown
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humour, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What? WOW! Don’t we all feel like we are just navigating through the Land of the Unknown?! In today’s episode, Dr. Merry revisits chapter 20 in her book The Fully Lived Life to talk us through her new season in the Land of The Unknown. Merry honestly takes us into her current season of stepping away from the practice she began in 1997! Filled with hope and reflection, Merry is currently taking the time to rest, dream and wait on what lies ahead as she navigates the mess and unknowns of this current season. So What? What is your Land of the Unknown?  Globally, we are in a big waiting time as we anticipate the end of this Covid 19 pandemic. Let’s all lean into the Therapeutic tips and Life Coaching tips to help each other through this. Now What? Therapeutic exercises: Where are you refusing to surrender control of your life? Insisting that you MUST KNOW before you’re willing to step forward in faith? Look at the pain points in your life today, the areas that cause you the greatest stress, worry, or disappointment. Could God be asking you to surrender to him in that area? Ask God to show you what is preventing you from living full out for him. And then consider what a life of adventure with God looks like for you. What might be the next thing - be it big or small - that he is asking you to do? Life Coaching: What’s nagging at you that if you could change it you would? What are the areas of joy and wonder in your life and how much of it do you experience in a week? Remember the Pie chart we did a while ago? It may be time to revisit that exercise and pin it up on the bathroom mirror as a reminder of what you want more of and less of in your life. Draw what looks like a pie on an 8 x 10 sheet of paper. Over the last week what has brought joy, what has been drudgery, what good habits are carrying you through this time? - Section off the pie into pieces that reflect how much of each you experience. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Parker J. Palmer https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B001C34LL8/
28:12
January 22, 2021
051 - What’s on Your Shelf?
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What: Are you anticipating new things and experiences in 2021?  Are you taking stock of 2020? The phrase “on the shelf” pertains to dreams, longings, hopes, wants on the shelf and perhaps even putting life on hold. Are you white-knuckling through life?  Let’s dive in. 2020 was a year that necessitated some things go on the shelf for a season - travel, entertaining, hugging, etc. But have you ever talked yourself out of some dream or longing because of excuses that you have placed on your dreams as if they have an expiration date? So What: Dig deep into what you have shelved, for example, travel, and see the deep underlying value that goes along with it, ie, adventure. What emotions go along with the value? Can you get creative about how you go about fueling those values and fostering the emotions that go along with them? We continue to return to the concept of internal locus of control vs the external locus of control and how we have much more choice than we often give ourselves credit for. Now What: Gillian and Merry both share things that they have placed on the shelf. What about you? “One day or day one”:  will you get to it one day or will today be your day one of the thing you really want to do? Life Coaching Tip: Draw a bookshelf. Label all the things you have placed on the shelf big and small. Create the visual. Then move to the therapeutic tip! Therapeutic tip: The visual of the bookshelf may bring some shame or regret. If it does, it’s ok because it is not new pain, it’s existing pain you are just bringing to the light of day. What are the narratives, beliefs that are holding you back? Don’t be afraid to get help to move forward with a program, a therapist, a coach etc. Get the external help to help make the internal constructs. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
23:16
January 15, 2021
050 - Re-Defining Success and Failure
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What: How do you define success? How do you define failure? This episode came out of a fascinating read of a woman who sets up experiments that she knows will fail because she wants to learn the lessons from failure to help her move toward success. How many of us are so failure averse that we will not try something new because we are fearful of failure? In the past year (2020) can we look back and take a good honest look at our “failures” and what they may teach us? Gillian reached out to listeners to ask the question “Has the pandemic shifted your view of success?”  Listen in as she shares the responses from a variety of people. So What: If we are operating out of a thin definition of failure and success we may be doing ourselves a great disservice. Can we honour our failure and learn from it? Now What: Therapeutic Tip from Dr. Merry: Let’s reframe what we consider success to include “psychological well-being”. Current research has identified six elements that make up psychological well-being: Self-acceptance: a positive and acceptant attitude toward aspects of self in the past and present Purpose in life: goals and beliefs that affirm a sense of direction and meaning in life Autonomy: self-direction as guided by one’s own socially accepted internal standards Positive relations with others: having satisfying personal relationships in which empathy and intimacy are expressed Environmental mastery: the capability to manage the complex environment according to one’s own needs Personal growth: the insight into one’s own potential for self-development Do a quick self-assessment on which of these areas you’re making inroads into. And what you still need to develop. This is not meant to be a quick fix or a check list of what you’re supposed to do but a shift in your mindset of how you can define success and also grow in that. As long as we’re growing in one of these areas, we are pursuing “success”. Life Coaching tip from Gillian: Revisit your values - if you don’t know them visit Gilian’s website for a free PDF download. Success in life is tied to our deeply held values. Are you operating out of your values? Instead of setting resolutions this 2021 how about revisiting our values and checking in with ourselves if we are in or out of alignment with them. The view is always to be honest with ourselves through the lens of self compassion. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
25:05
January 8, 2021
049 - Practicing Spiritual Curiosity
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What: In today’s episode Merry and Gillian share how this season of Covid and Advent have led them to explore questions of faith, tradition, spiritual beliefs, and the wrestle to bring those questions out into the open. In” Fierce, Free and Full of Fire”, author Jen Hatmaker encourages us to explore our own beliefs, as she believes this questioning can be a sign of maturity. Merry also shares from a book called “Finding Church” by author Wayne Jacobsen, that is upending some of her former beliefs about church and spiritual practices. Now What: Join in the conversation as we share from our own thoughts and journeys and invite you to ask your own questions. What have you been questioning about your own faith journey? So What: Therapeutic Response: Everyone has a faith background, even if it is not believing in any particular faith. Consider what messages you have been taught. What has been helpful? What has been harmful? How has shame affected you from your religious upbringing/background? How does the statement from Finding Church sit with you?  “Jesus’s purpose was not to make us worthy of God’s love but to set us free to see that we already have it”. Life Coaching: As you look forward to this Christmas season examine the following: What are the traditions that you have in your family that you feel are rooted in your own faith? Where do they come out of - a felt need, tradition, a desire, or to create meaning? What in your household is reflective of the racially and culturally appropriate nativity story? Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Jen Hatmaker's book: https://amzn.to/2Z6QcKf Wayne Jacobsen’s book: https://amzn.to/380L8KE
30:57
December 18, 2020
048 - The Best Yes!
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humor, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What: Does this sound like any of you? It certainly hit us between the eyeballs! Jen writes “This when-to-say-yes-and-when-to-say-no thing is no joke with real consequences. Adult life is chock-full of these choices. It is a war between a myriad of shoulds, shouldn’ts, won’ts, don’t want tos, wish I coulds, I guess I wills, and do I have to’s.” So What: Both Merry and Gillian believe that we are in a season of filtering, refining where we are in our lives right now to give us the right space when a good “yes” comes along. Now What? Therapeutic Tips: There are two critical period in a person’s development when they’re developing their will: 1) when they’re toddlers and 2) when they’re teens. If you regularly heard a lot of no’s, or you were shamed for your “bad behaviour” or your will was constantly dominated by your parents, then your will may have been shut down. Think about those formative times in your life: how did your parents respond to your desire to choose for yourself? How did they handle your toddler and teen years? What messages did you receive, both good and bad? And out of those experiences, what might be the underlying fears that prevent you from choosing for yourself what you want? Coaching Tips: Evaluate realistic expectations: • It feels thrilling to say yes to this now. But how will this yes feel two weeks, two months, and six months from now? • Do any of the expectations that come from this yes feel forced or frantic? • Could any part of this yes be tied to people pleasing and allowing that desire to skew my judgment of what’s realistic and unrealistic? • Which wise people in my life think this is a good idea? • Are there any facts I try to avoid or hide when discussing this with my wise advisors? Evaluate unrealistic expectations: • My time. The schedule required to meet all the demands of this opportunity isn’t in line with the time I have to invest. • My ability. I’m not equipped with the necessary skills to carry out the functions of this opportunity. • My money. I can’t afford the financial responsibilities that come along with this opportunity. • My passion. The responsibilities of this opportunity evoke a sense of dread instead of fulfillment in my heart. • My season. There is something that must take a higher priority during this season of my life, therefore the timing is off for me. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Jen Hatmaker's book: https://amzn.to/2Z6QcKf Lysa Terkeurst’s book: https://amzn.to/3kSz6HJ Carey Nieuwhof Podcast: https://careynieuwhof.com/mypodcast/
25:04
December 11, 2020
047 - Dreams, Wants, Desires, Longings!
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humor, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. In today’s episode we throw out these words to get some reaction. Some of the reactions may be sadness, excitement, regret, hope and a “I don’t know if I have any”! What: Chapter 7 of Jen Hatmaker’s book “Fierce, Free and Full of FIre” is on Dreaming. Do you have one of these dreams or longings  that is maybe sitting under the surface or worse yet down deep and maybe even buried?  Merry and Gillian both share how they have had to rein themselves in from this. So What: In Henry Cloud's book “9 Things You Simply Must Do”, he talks about the concept of playing the movie. Take the life you are living today and in the case of our topic today of your dreams, what will the movie look like if you don’t make any choices to move in the direction of your dream? In 1 year, 5 years, 10 years? Merry and GIllian discuss how gender may get in the way of women pursuing their dreams. For our female listeners, the idea of “wanting” may seem like a bad thing. So let’s ask ourselves: Do I have a dream? A dream that I am refusing to bring into the light of day? How would that dream benefit me, benefit others, benefit the world? Now What: Therapeutic Response: Merry often asks people: “if you could dream of the perfect day what would it look like?”  or “If you didn’t have to get a paycheck what would you be doing?” Here are some suggestions to spark some thoughts around your dreams and longings: Think about yourself as a child and what you loved doing. What made you happy? Look at old pictures/videos if you can to help you stir up the memories. Then think about what lies or mental agreements came up that may have led to your shutting down of that imaginative, dreamy part of yourself - this is impractical, you’re just being lazy, this will never happen so just get on with it, etc. - sit with this part for a while to really process all the internal emotions and narratives that could be holding you back from dreaming Think of the perfect day (or week) - where would you be, what would you be doing, who would you be with - if money, education, skills were not an issue Life Coaching Exercise: What did you dream about when you were a child, a teen? Was the dream fostered or squelched…. By whom? If the dream is still alive in you even by a flicker what can you do to add a little gas? Remember - play the movie… if you don’t do anything to gas the dream play the movie of your life 1 yr, 3 5 10 yrs from now.  It’s a brave step to go on this adventure, but what will you be missing out on if you don’t try? Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Jen Hatmaker's book: https://amzn.to/2Z6QcKf Henry Clouds book: https://amzn.to/3lWdtI6
31:30
December 4, 2020
046 - Shame Resiliency
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humor, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What: Today’s episode does a deep dive into shame with a bucket full of hope! Yes, friends, that is exactly what we endeavor to deliver today or what is the point of bringing up the word shame again? Shame is referred to as the master emotion! Ugh Shame drives us to the behaviours that lead to more shame. It is insidious and it is why we want to address it head-on but also lead to a hopeful practice of shame resiliency. Merry shares her account of how she has learned to take the shame dragon in her own life. Merry’s account of a recent event that kept her up in the middle of the night (anyone want to throw out an amen?) that took her into the emotional shame tunnel but then how she was able to recognize what was going on and work through it using both breathing techniques and breath prayers.  This is what Merry often refers to as “tracking in real-time”. So What: Shame is a 100% universally held emotional response. So we are not alone. But shame wants to keep up alone and separated because then shame can do its worst work on us. Now What: We are combining our Therapeutic and Life Coaching Tips because they are so intertwined. Acknowledge that shame is universal. Where does shame show up in your life - acknowledge that because hiding from it just breeds more shame Enneagram centers handle shame this way: Move away (E5, 9, 4) – by withdrawing, hiding, silencing ourselves, holding secrets Move towards (E2, 6, 7) – seeking to appease and please Move against (E8, 3, 1) – trying to gain power over others by being aggressive or shaming back So how do you protect yourself when shame rears up in your life? Move constructively through the shame by: Recognize your shame triggers Practical critical awareness - ask is this true? Accept your imperfections Ask for what you need - do this with trusted friends. Ask yourself who is the person you would reach out to and call when you are in the shame tunnel? Grow in our courage and compassion (for self and others) as a result of our experience – courage is going to look different for everyone – Question to ask: What’s the most courageous thing you can do for yourself when you feel hurt? Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Jerome Wagner article: https://bit.ly/2Kgbv7l
28:27
November 27, 2020
045 - Healthy Emotional Processing Using the Enneagram
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humor, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What In this episode, we cover the 9 types of the Enneagram from the 3 Centers: the Heart Center, the Head Center, and the Body Center. The good news is that healthy emotional processing is available to all of us no matter what Enneagram number or type we are. Listen and learn along with us as we move through the different numbers. So What? Emotions are signals that we need to lean into and pay attention to their messages.Today we talk about how some of the low emotions can move us to pay attention to what is going on within us and can move us along towards personal healthy growth and healthy emotional processing. Healthy Emotional processing includes: Know the emotion Pay attention to the feeling and what it is trying to tell you Stay with the emotion long enough to move through it Make decisions or take action that promotes your growth from the above Centers: 8-9-1 Body Center - primary emotion Anger 2-3-4 Heart Center -primary emotion Shame 5-6-7 Head Center - primary emotion Fear Now what? Life Coaching: If you can see & acknowledge how you have been acting out of the low place of emotions, then you can see the hope that moving to the high emotions will bring life to you. Being awake to the low emotions helps you make the changes necessary. Being alert, doing a gut check, and tracking with our emotions as they show up will move us towards healthy growth. Therapeutic: The work of self-growth is a lifetime journey, so be gentle and grace-filled with yourself. Movement - even incremental movement towards health helps get us on the right path. Ask yourself: Am I having trouble feeling the emotions? Am I having trouble identifying what the emotion is ? Am I having trouble sharing the emotion with another person? Am I able to take appropriate action when the emotion surfaces? Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Brene Brown, The Gifts Of Imperfection: https://amzn.to/2Hbm8aq
44:05
November 20, 2020
044 - The Sacred Wrestle: Mining the Deep Areas of the Soul
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What: This episode came out of a few conversations that Dr. Merry and Gillian had together with other women. Merry pointed out that to enjoy the higher emotions we need to be able to feel, acknowledge, and stay in the low emotions. We won’t experience great happiness if we do not feel great sadness. This led to conversations about how in touch we are with our innermost low emotions. This is a really deep place to go, as for example, it may feel easier to stay in the land of frustration rather than go to the place of our deep pain, because that seems more accessible and safe. But if we don’t even acknowledge this deep sadness, we get stuck staying on the surface of the safe. Gillian shared that she is often involved in what she calls the Sacred Wrestle; meaning that there is something very deep going on in her that only she knows about. Perhaps it doesn’t feel safe for her to bring it to the surface and tell others or she’s still processing it and can’t articulate it yet.  This could feel like the “dark night of the soul” which has been written about by many. So What: Both Merry and Gillian go to some deep personal sacred wrestle in this episode. We recognize that the soul is a very fragile place and needs to be honored. The idea of “honoring these periods of fragility” gives us such a tender and grace-filled approach to the deep things we are experiencing. Listen in as both Merry and Gillian share their own experiences. This episode follows the previous episode on pain with a purpose. Today we add pain with a purpose towards progress. Now What: Therapeutic Tip: When you get in touch with those lower emotions - akin to being in an emotional tunnel, do not rush the process. Trust a friend, therapist, priest, pastor, or coach to walk with you through it. Invite your little girl self or little boy self to respond… ask “what do you want”? Process through journaling, art, music, or whatever allows you to feel the emotions. Allow yourself to feel the emotions without judgment but rather curiosity. Life Coaching Tip: What do you offer others? In what ways do you give, support, help, give life to others? If you respond with “ Well I take care of their needs” – I want you to drill down to the deeper part of that… “I help others by ensuring their physical needs are met so that they feel safe and valued”.  Whatever is the deeper part of how you respond, I want you to ask the question – is this my deepest longing, i.e., to feel safe and valued? Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Thomas Moore, Dark Night of the Soul: https://amzn.to/3jXIwlA Larry Crabb, God’s Love Letters: https://amzn.to/3nP05qw
43:03
November 13, 2020
043 - Pain with a Purpose - Moving From Stuck to Free
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humor, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What: In today’s episode, we jump into a discussion on Henry Cloud’s book “Necessary Endings”. Do we experience the necessary pain that moves us towards growth or pain that serves no other purpose than to keep us stuck and defeated? Is our pain helping us to make changes or keep us stuck? The pain we choose to endure to help us grow is good pain. On the other hand, the pain of misery is the pain that we endure that goes nowhere. This is the pain that is unrelenting and provides no hope for us. Are you feeling pain? Are you feeling hopeless and stuck? How we feel now is not how we will feel forever if we choose to make healthy changes. So What: In previous episodes, we have referred to the “external locus of control vs. our internal locus of control”. In this time of COVID, we will need to examine what we can control and change even when life is happening to us in unprecedented ways. Dr. Merry walks us through the internal maps that Dr. Henry Cloud refers to that keep us stuck. Do you have an abnormally high pain threshold? Are you covering for others? Are you believing that ending something means that you have failed? Misunderstood loyalty? Codependent mapping? Now What: Therapeutic response: Take a sheet of paper and make 4 columns 1 - list the problem in column 1 2 - list all the feelings associated with this column in column 2 3 - list off the things in this problem that you have control over in column 3 4 - what action could you take to move towards health growth in column 4 Life Coaching response: In what area of desired change in your life are you stuck in the movement phase. In other words, you are doing a lot of thinking, mulling over the situation and maybe researching and talking about it but that’s where it stays. Move to the action phase - Action is when you take a step of action to create change. Commit to taking that action step over the next week. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Henry Cloud, Necessary Endings: https://amzn.to/3m2Fo8S
32:48
November 6, 2020
042 - How Over-Functioning is Holding You Back
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humor, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What: In this episode, we ask ourselves if we are over-functioning and being over-responsible. Guess what - it is a big - Bingo, Bango, Bongo for both of us. Are you in our little dysfunctional club? So What: Dr. Merry unpacks what this looks like in our lives at home, at work, in our parenting, and in other areas of our lives. How is this preventing or placing a barrier to those around us as we over-function in the areas that affect them and their growth? Take a look at the 2 articles referenced in our podcast (links below) and see if you resonate with the information. As Dr. Merry says “it is one thing to look at the behaviours but it is another thing to go to the underlying reasons for that behaviour.”  Merry shares some of her insights into what is going on in her life and the underlying causes that compel her to over-function and be over-responsible. Now What: Therapeutic response: Face the truth behind the over-functioning and over responsibility. Where are you now? Where do you want to go? What is holding you back? What will it take to walk out of the bondage of over-functioning and over responsibility and into freedom? Life Coaching response: Get out a big piece of paper and draw a big circle - like a pie. Around the outside of the circle write out all the areas where you carry responsibility. ( a log of a week’s activities will be a great foundation for this) Decide how much of the pie each area gets then fill in the pie accordingly. This will give you a very strong visual of where adjustments may be needed. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Over-responsibility article: https://bit.ly/355DcX3 Over-functioning article: https://bit.ly/348NW89 Ruth Haley Barton, Longing for More - https://amzn.to/2SZHUA9
36:15
October 30, 2020
041- Claim Your Unique Presence in Your Community!
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What: The phrase “you deserve goodness” unsettled both Dr. Merry and LIfe Coach Gillian when we first read it. But when things stir us up, it is good to come at it with curiosity instead of judgment. How do you feel about the phrase? What is your reaction? We use Chapter 4 of Fierce, Free and Full of Fire by author Jen Hatmaker to launch our conversation today. So many wise voices chime in on this topic and we love this quote from Henri Nouwen’s  The Inner Voice of Love: “Your unique presence in your community is the way God wants you to be present to others…You have to know and claim your way... That will help you decide what to do and what to let go of, what to say and what to remain silent about, when to go out and when to stay home, who to be with, and who to avoid.” (in other words, healthy boundaries!!) So What: This chapter paints a very different picture of what self-compassion looks like to us. Self-compassion is loving, kind, and gentle but it is also empowered truth. According to Jen Hatmaker, it is holding the soft and the fierce together. We explore what that means to us and our listeners. Now what: Therapeutic Tips: Listen in as Dr. Merry unpacks self-kindness, common humanity, and mindful acceptance. When we practice these we are extending goodness to ourselves and others. Coaching Tips: Gillian urges listeners to show goodness to themselves by “dating themselves”. So many of us are pouring into others but not showing goodness to ourselves. Our own goodness to ourselves has a ripple effect on those around us and especially to the ones who are following us. So pick something good that you enjoy and take yourself on a date. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Jen Hatmaker's book: https://amzn.to/2Z6QcKf Henri Nouwen book: https://amzn.to/3ilWop5
33:51
October 23, 2020
040 - The Power of Connection
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What: This season of navigating COVID is wreaking havoc with our sense of connection and our mental health. While we cannot control our outside world we can work to manage our inside world. Remember Dr. Merry sharing about the external vs Internal locus of control? COVID has exacerbated our sense of belonging and loneliness but it has also led us to be more empathic to those who struggle chronically with belonging. So What: Neuroscience researcher, John Cacioppo, has been studying loneliness for over 20 years. He defines loneliness as, “perceived social isolation” – we experience loneliness when we feel disconnected. Maybe we’ve been pushed outside of a group we value or we’re lacking a sense of true belonging. At the heart of loneliness is the absence of meaningful social interactions. Loneliness and aloneness aren’t the same things – we can be surrounded with people but still feel lonely – it’s when we’re in places or with people that don’t feel alive with connection. Worse, loneliness also brings up shame – as if feeling lonely means there’s something wrong with us. We feel shame even when our loneliness is caused by grief, loss, or heartbreak – how much of COVID has contributed to feelings of loneliness?? Now what: Therapeutic Tips from Merry How to combat loneliness: 1. Identify loneliness when we feel it. 2. Have the courage to see that experience as a warning sign. 3. Find connection – doesn’t have to be major or many – numerous studies confirms that it’s not the number of friends but the quality of just a few relationships that matter 4. Take a small step of being vulnerable with these few trusted friends – by showing up in our true selves, expressing our desire for connection in a vulnerable way Coaching Tips from Gillian: If you are personally feeling lonely, disconnected, or isolated take the brave step and reach out to a trusted friend to connect. It will be brave but it will release all that good dopamine and serotonin in your brain that helps us! Think of someone in your circle that could use hearing your voice - tell them they have been on your mind and let that dopamine and serotonin get released in their brains… let us care for each other!! Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Jen Hatmaker's book: https://amzn.to/2Z6QcKf Brene Brown’s book: https://amzn.to/35n9ZZE  Loneliness research: http://www.johncacioppo.com/
32:36
October 16, 2020
039 - Creating Safe Spaces for Ourselves and Others
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What: We kick off this episode with a quote from Brene Brown's book Braving the WIlderness. What does it look like for us to create safe spaces for each other? Well, we have to create a safe space for ourselves first. If it doesn’t start in us it won’t get out of us! We all want connection with others, and connection does lead to safety. However, some of us may need to go back and do some work on ourselves in the areas of safety and where we may have lost that. Merry unpacks the term “felt sense”, what it means and how it contributes to our sense of belonging. In this very difficult time in our history; how do we parent and foster safe spaces to allow brave spaces for conversations and questions? Safety doesn’t mean that I need to change who we are but rather that we show us as we are and allow others to do the same. We talk though how to belong to ourselves. So What: When we belong to ourselves we like ourselves and we accept ourselves. We are able to move past the pain of not being liked or accepted by others because we are ok with ourselves. Others' criticisms and shortcomings do not define us. (Viola Davis). We become safe when we can offer an open heart, empathy, honesty and acceptance to others. We can embrace the thought that not everyone will get us, not everyone will like us and that is ok. Now What: Therapeutic tip: As Dr. Merry says, honour your pain. Do not be controlled or absorbed in your pain but use it to learn. Let your pain bring meaning into your life. It has taught you lessons that you can use to grow and to be a safe place for others. Bring curiosity to your pain.. “What have I learned?” Where have I grown?” Coaching tip: Gillian encourages us to think about the words we use to describe ourselves. What words do you want to be true of you? What words do you want to authentically live out of and leave as a legacy to those closest to you? Life rule - can you come up with a life rule? Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Brene Brown’s book: https://amzn.to/35n9ZZE
31:05
October 9, 2020
038 - Why Do We Struggle to Pursue What We Want?
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humor, andt ransparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. We open this episode with the quote “ We are all just walking each other home”. By Ram Dass.  This phrase landed very deeply on both of us and we trust that you will allow time to just sit with it and let it soak in. What:  Why do we struggle to pursue what we want?  For both Merry and Gillian, it boils down to feeling selfish or self-centered when we put our own needs as a priority.  What is preventing you? So what: So where does that come from? What is preventing you from pursuing what you want? Do you know what you want?  Merry and Gillian both agree that this comes up as a roadblock for many clients.  Have you buried your wants? If you ask a child what they want they can quickly answer but what happens to the adult us to make us feel so stuck with this question. We unpack for each Enneagram number what holds them back from what they want- listen in and see what resonates with you even if you do not know your Enneagram number. Now what: Merry shares some powerful quotes from Brene Brown’s book “Braving the Wilderness”. How do we belong to ourselves and what matters to us and connects us to our wants?  We love that “true belonging is both brave and sacred”. Therapeutic Exercise: Dr. Merry shares an exercise right from Brene Brown’s book - “write yourself a permission slip”. Permit yourself to give yourself something that you want. Coaching Exercise: Gillian shares a coaching exercise:Write, draw, paint, create a time in your life where you showed up both brave and true to yourself. Don’t leave out any details because you are creating a trail map for the next time you have to brave the wilderness! Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Jen Hatmaker's book: https://amzn.to/2Z6QcKf Brene Brown’s book: https://amzn.to/35n9ZZE
36:27
October 2, 2020
037 - Finding Your Voice
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. In this episode we lean into Merry’s wisdom on our locus of control. Remember, listeners that an external locus of control allows for us to be determined by the world and circumstance but an internal locus of control gives us the power over those external forces. What: What are the narratives going on in your head? What is your internal dialogue? What are the things that have been said to you that have shaped who you are? So what: We walk through some of the implications of how destructive voices have shaped us. Gillian shares how some destructive voices shaped her voice and still continue to make her question her own voice to this day. Merry shares how her early years growing up Asian in suburban Toronto. Little girl Merry tried to become as white as possible. To this day, this shut down her own appreciation of her culture and has caused shame . Now what. Listeners - what is your voice? What lies have you believed from others that you have believed to be the truth about you? Merry’s perspective from a clinical stance. We can rewrite our narrative one narrative at a time. Listener - look back and reflect on what you believe about yourself. Pay attention to the tension! What are the lies and the mental agreements you have believed? Gillian’s perspective from a Life Coaching stance. In your Mega, Mezzo and Modest life, what has been said to you that is a lie? You were probably told you were too much or too little. Perhaps you have believed this and it is shaping how you live today. Can you think of one thing that was said to you that doesn’t have truth to it? Write it out and share it with a close friend, ask their opinion and allow them to speak truth into your life! Then begin to write a new narrative to move forward! Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Jen Hatmaker's book: https://amzn.to/2Z6QcKf Erwin McManus book: https://amzn.to/3m2HcPM
28:17
September 25, 2020
036 - Own Your Fully Lived Life Space!!
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What:  Do you know yourself? Do you like yourself? Do you know what space you are meant and designed to occupy. Jen Hatmaker in her book Fierce, Free and Full of Fire writes “It is on us to insist on our space! The space that we are meant to occupy.” So what: You are uniquely created and gifted to be who you are and own your space in the world. You are not meant to shape shift to the expectations of others. Are you what Jen Hatmaker terms Mega, Mezzo or Modest? We unpack what these terms mean and ask our listeners to embrace who they are and the gift to the world that they are when they “live to the very  edges of their space”! Now what:  Dr. Merry asks us to consider what locus of control we are allowing to lead our lives. Do we lean toward an external locus of control that leaves us powerless and victims of our circumstances and environments or do we have a strong internal locus of control that helps us own our space. Growth happens when we lean into our internal locus of control. This is especially important in difficult circumstances. Merry asks us to look back and see what locus of control we have lived out of over the last 2 weeks. Life Coach Gillian asks us to confirm with a trusted friend whether we are Mega, Mezzo or Modest and then challenges us to be conscious over the next week when we are dialing ourselves up or down to live up to others expectations of us rather than living in our own space. Gillian and Merry throw down the Instagram hashtag challenge! Take pictures of yourself doing unique and fun activities, or anything that represents the “true you”, or anything that shows you living to the full edges of yourself. It can be a picture of yourself or something that represents you living a bold life. And then tag our Insta page, @thefullylivedlife, while using the hashtag: #ownyourFLLspace Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Jen Hatmaker's book: https://amzn.to/2Z6QcKf
27:45
September 18, 2020
035 - Season 2 Kick Off of The Fully Lived Life!
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. What is your anchor? Dr. Merry and Life Coach Gillian both share how this podcast anchors them as it requires them to do the deep work on themselves so they can show up authentically in each episode.  Merry and Gillian reflect on the summer that was a series of small and still moments that led to big impacts. Merry shares that this summer was a gift in reframing how she sees life! Gillian shares that the “still” moments created a rich summer for her. As we kick off this season our goal is to frame each podcast with the “What”, the “So What” and the “Now What”. We are using the Jen Hatmaker book “Fierce, Free and Full of FIre” and Dr. Merry’s book “The Fully Lived Life” and other resources as they come to us to frame our conversations. Today Merry shares some quotes from Jen Hatmaker's book that will lead to some great conversations and she shares  “The 10 commandments for Maturity” from Ronald Rolheiser’s book “ Sacred Fire”. These 10 commandments will impact you and help you move to maturity if you live them out: Live life in gratitude and thank your Creator by enjoying your life! Be willing to carry more and more of life’s complexities with empathy. Transform jealousy, anger, bitterness, and hatred rather than give back in kind. Let suffering soften your heart rather than harden your soul. Forgive - those who hurt you, your own sins, the unfairness of your life, and God for not rescuing you. Bless more and curse less! Live in a more radical sobriety. Pray, affectively and liturgically. Be wide in your embrace. Stand where you are supposed to be standing, and let God provide the rest. Dr. Merry offers a therapeutic application and Life Coach Gillian offers a coaching application to lead our listeners towards their own growth and development toward living fully and authentically. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Jen Hatmakers book: https://amzn.to/2Z6QcKf
28:36
September 11, 2020
034 - Season 1 Finale: Take Up Your Space!
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. First - a very big thank you to our listeners for joining us over coffee around the table each week in this our first season. Join in on this final episode of Season 1 of the podcast as Merry and Gillian discuss the book “Fierce, Free and Full of Fire” by Jen Hatmaker. We are only a few chapters in and this book is already getting us stirred up. We wrestled with this podcast episode as we thought we should wait until we had fully read the book and processed it. We decided to invite you into the mess of what is going on within us as we resonate, amen and are challenged with the content. Jen Hatmaker invites us to take up our space. Merry and Gillian both share how they have felt that at times they took up too little or too much space, based on the reactions and words of others.  Do you want to own the space that you have been gifted?  If so, what does that space look like? Here are a few questions for you to ponder to know who is the authentic you: What do your trusted friends affirm and call out in you? What is the fruit of your life? What turns your crank, gives you joy? If you could create your perfect day - what does that look like? Merry and Gillian will continue to work through the book over the summer to mine the depths of what is being called out. We can’t wait to join you again in the Fall of 2020 to meet you over coffee once again. Stay tuned! Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Resources: Fierce, Free and Full of Fire: https://amzn.to/2Z6QcKf The Gift of Being Yourself: https://amzn.to/3iEdSNW The Deeper Journey: https://amzn.to/3febNpS Made for This: https://amzn.to/2VWCiZm
27:48
July 10, 2020
033 - Maximizing Your Potential Through a Growth Mindset
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Today we dive right into a great conversation that we believe will be a significant concept in getting you to where you want to be.  Dr. Carol Dweck has written extensively on the Growth Mindset. How would you describe your mindset? Are you easily defeated by failure or do you see failure as an opportunity to learn from? How do you handle criticism? When challenges hit, do they derail you or do you persist through them? Growth mindset will move you towards, while a fixed mindset will hold you back. In which direction do you want to move in your academics, career, relationships and your personal  health and wellness? Growth mindset attributes: Embrace challenges Learn through failures Persist in the face of challenges See effort as a path to mastery Learn from criticism Find inspiration in the success of others Reach higher levels of achievement Check in with yourself  in the areas of career, relationships, your personal health and well being and see where you may be exhibiting a fixed mindset. Share this with a trusted friend and ask them to help you stay accountable to moving toward a growth mindset. The good news is that you can change. You can grow! Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Growth mindset resources: https://www.mindsetworks.com/Videos
30:06
July 3, 2020
032 - Choosing Joy
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Joy is a really complex word and has such richness that in today’s episode we will just get a taste. Dr. Barbara Frederickson has written extensively about joy and she makes the distinction that happiness has to do with ourselves but joy tends to be around others. We are encouraged to seek positivity points over time to foster joy over a lifetime. Joy can be in snippets - like a sunset or for extended periods of time like the birth of a child. The good news is that we can experience joy in dark times even in the absence of happiness. How do we choose joy in our lives? Pausing to notice the small moments and leveraging an attitude of gratitude. Recall situations that created joy. Share a memory with a friend to remind us and our friend of a joy moment. Remember that we are able to hold both joy and difficulty at the same time. Revisit joy-filled experiences from previous birthdays, holidays etc to help manage stress in difficult and perhaps lonely times. Joy in reframing. Joy in savouring. Joy in serving others - what can we offer to others to bring them joy? In a faith context, joy is at the center of the Christian faith. Joy is also evidence that we are growing in our faith understanding and practices.  Merry and Gillian both agree that joy and hope are linked and crucial to navigating life. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Sources:  Dr. Barbara Frederickson Reading:  “Surprised by Joy” C.S. Lewis.
30:02
June 26, 2020
031 - Humour as the Best Medicine!
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Listen in as Dr. Merry and Gillian kick off the podcast with a few jokes. The good news is that we do have “happy hormones” that we want to foster and leverage in challenging times. Humour doesn’t diminish our pain but it can provide reprieve, relief and perspective. Merry shares how she is developing her “feel good kit”. What would you put in your feel good kit to foster humour and joy? Laughter has many physiological benefits both in the short term and in the long term for our health and well being. How do we foster humour? Invite silliness! Follow your kids’ lead - they are naturally silly, so join in and share some rich connection. Lean into the bonding that occurs during times of laughter as it helps build attachment. Poke fun at yourself for things you might normally chastise yourself for. Merry and Gillian share a few goofy memories. Exaggerate fears to the point of laughter and silliness to curtail fear. Break rigid language with some silly talk. Develop shared couple language or family language from silly experience. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Sources: How to Cultivate Humour: https://bit.ly/2Y6iAvL Sources: Laughter is the Best Medicine: https://bit.ly/2B8xDfj
36:22
June 19, 2020
030 - Well-Being and Resilience: How Cognitive Reframing Changes Our Experiences
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Reframing our thoughts. Reframing our expectations. Reframing our reference points. Reframing by being open to the lesson. Gillian walks us through some techniques to help us reframe in our current situation to build resilience. We are never too old to reframe and transform our minds.  We can literally rewire our brains. How can you reframe a statement like “I have to stay at home” to “I get to stay safe at home”? Gillian shares how the COVID crisis has left her feeling restricted, what is missing, and what pre-COVID life was like. She walks us through how we can use techniques and exercises to reframe our thoughts. What may need to stay behind as we move out of this crisis and what needs to move forward with us? We may be learning how to live out our values and priorities - and this time can be a meaning maker for us if we allow it. Listen in as we walk through some tips to use in these times to reframe and build resilience and ultimately lead to improved well being. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
31:33
June 12, 2020
029 - When Sensitivity is Your Superpower: Embracing the Gift of Your Wiring
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. “You’re too sensitive”, or “Don’t be a crybaby”!  Have you ever heard or said these words? Dr. Merry takes us into her world as she discloses that she would consider herself a highly sensitive person or HSP. 1 in 5 people (equally across all genders) would likely fall into this category. Some of the traits of an HSP: Genetically wired to be more sensitive Able to notice subtleties that others may miss Tend to be conscientious and thoughtful Often are empathetic, intuitive and perceptive Acute sensory characteristics like smell, taste Feel things more deeply such as pain, emotions More in tune with the emotions of others May experience greater emotional intensity May gravitate towards the helping professions More prone to compassion fatigue Can be over-stimulated and exhausted by high levels of input May have difficulties with boundaries and conflict Hyper aware of what others may think of them If you are resonating with any of the above you may be an HSP. Please know that you have so much to offer others and the world because of the way you are wired. Merry shares her own struggle to come to this realization and wants to call other HSPs to realize the beautiful gift you are to the world. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com HSP test: https://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/
27:06
June 5, 2020
028 - Enneagram Types and Stress Part 2: Types 5 - 9
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Today we respond to requests from many listeners about the Enneagram. Given this time in history we felt that coming at each type and the stress response and then the release response to grow would be beneficial. Dr. Merry and LIfe Coach Gillian are both certified iEQ9 coaches. We love using the IEQ9 (link below) as a coaching tool for individuals and teams. (Descriptions of motivations below are from the iEQ9 materials.) Type 5 - The Quiet Specialist Motivation: This style stems from the motivational need to understand. As an Ennea 5 you are likely to value making sense of the world around you and as a result, conserving resources, objectivity and knowledge is important to you. You strive for independence and appreciate privacy and expertise. Stress: Type 5 goes to unhealthy Type 7 Growth: Type 5 moves toward healthy Type 8 Type 6 - The Loyal Skeptic Motivation: This style stems from the motivational need to be safe. As an Ennea 6 you are likely to value security and belonging. As a result, loyalty and trust are important to you. You strive to be responsible and appreciate being prepared and alert at all times. Stress: Type 5 goes to unhealthy Type 3 Growth: Type 5 moves toward healthy Type 9 Type 7 - The Enthusiastic Visionary Motivation: This style stems from the motivational need to experience life fully and avoid pain. As an Ennea 7 you are likely to value a sense of freedom and as a result, optimism, being inspired and taking opportunities as they present themselves is important to you. You approach life as an adventure and appreciate being playful and spontaneous. Stress: Type 7 goes to unhealthy Type 1 Growth: Type 7 moves toward healthy Type 5 Type 8 - The Active Controller Motivation: This style stems from the motivational need to be strong and avoid vulnerability. As an Ennea 8 you value having a sense of control, and as a result, being direct and impactful is important to you. You love challenges and embody a need for justice, which enables you to protect others. Stress: Type 8 goes to unhealthy Type 5 Growth: Type 8 moves toward healthy Type 2 Type 9 - The Adaptive Peacemaker Motivation: This style stems from the motivational need to be settled and in harmony with the world. As an Ennea 9 you value being understanding and as a result, being accommodating and accepting is important to you. You strive for a peaceful existence and appreciate stability, preferring to avoid conflict. Stress: Type 9 goes to unhealthy Type 6 Growth: Type 9 moves toward healthy Type 3 Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Enneagram Resources: https://.integrative9.com https://enneagraminstitute.com https://www.theroadbacktoyou.com
38:56
May 29, 2020
027 - Enneagram Types and Stress Part 1: Types 1 - 4
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Today we respond to requests from many listeners about the Enneagram. Given this time in history we felt that coming at each type and the stress response and then the release response to grow would be beneficial. Dr. Merry and LIfe Coach Gillian are both certified iEQ9 coaches. We love using the IEQ9 (link below) as a coaching tool for individuals and teams. (Descriptions of motivations below are from the iEQ9 materials). Type 1 - The Perfectionist Motivation: This style stems from the motivational need to be good or right. As an Ennea 1, you are likely to value being a good person and as a result self-control, integrity and quality are important to you. You strive for perfection and appreciate standards and structure. Stress: Type 1’s move to the unhealthy type 4 Growth: Type 1’s should move toward the healthy Type 7 Type 2 - The Helper Motivation: This style stems from the motivational need to be liked and appreciated. As an Ennea 2, you value relationships and as a result kindness, generosity and self-sacrifice are important to you. You strive to make the world a more loving place, and offer support and attention to those you care about. Stress: Type 2’s go to the unhealthy 8 Growth: Type 2’s should move toward the healthy 4 Type 3: The Competitive Achiever Motivation: This style stems from the motivational need to outshine others and be the best. As an Ennea 3, you are likely to value achievement and as a result efficiency, results and image are important to you. You strive for success and you are willing to adapt in order to get what you want. Stress: Type 3’s go to the unhealthy Type 9 Growth: Type 3’s should move toward the healthy Type 6 Type 4: The Intense Creative Motivation:  This style stems from the motivational need to be unique and authentic. As an Ennea 4, you are likely to value your individualism and as a result feelings, self-expression and purpose are important to you. You are a romantic at heart and appreciate beauty, and creating meaning for yourself and others. Stress: Type 4 moves to unhealthy  Type 2 Growth: Type 4 should move toward the healthy Type  1 Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Enneagram Resources: https://.integrative9.com https://enneagraminstitute.com https://www.theroadbacktoyou.com
32:26
May 22, 2020
026 - Healthy Anger: Harnessing the Power of Anger for Good
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Today we tackle the subject of anger and how it plays out in both our lives. Merry shares how anger is difficult for her and she experiences shame when she feels anger. In Merry’s words - Asian culture does not do anger.  As an Enneagram 2, Merry is very aware that when others are angry with her it causes her much distress. Gillian responds with - In Irish culture we do anger. As an Enneagram 8, Gillian is very aware of her anger and expresses how much distress it has caused her and others.  Merry and Gillian both share how their formative years and how anger was expressed or not in their households has affected them. We identify 3 types of anger - misplaced anger, appropriate and righteous anger. In this very stressful season we are most likely feeling anger whether we realize it or not. Can we come through this time having given ourselves the grace to face our emotions and work towards healthy expressions of them? Merry offers us a great tip when we feel stirred up or “off” in our emotions. Hold your hand out and grab onto your thumb with your other hand. Your 4 fingers will be your guide. Using G I F T to label out fingers allows us to ask ourselves: G = Grief: Am I feeling sadness, anger, loss? I = Insecurity: Am I feeling insecure, inferior, overlooked, unnoticed? F = Fear: Am I fearful, scared, intimidated? T = Trauma = Is what is happening stirring up some trauma? This simple practice gives you the opportunity to see that anger is a secondary emotion. It is what is behind the anger that we need to address. Gillian shares that she was always trying to fix the anger and that didn’t work - it wasn’t until she learned this principle that she was able to gain control. Merry shares that acknowledging her emotions has helped her to express her anger. What gets you stirred up?. What is behind it?  What are you passionate about? Journal your anger and look for trends and patterns over a week and then what action can you take to express your action and passion appropriately. Notice, look for themes, take action. If this is too difficult for you to do alone, look for a coach, therapist or friend that can help you out. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Dr Merry’s 700 Club Canada video on anger: https://vimeo.com/296326816
39:22
May 15, 2020
025 - Life Interrupted: Lessons Learned from Facing the Unexpected (Part 2 of 2)
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. This is part two of a two-part conversation. In part 1, Gillian interviews Peter about his journey dealing with unexpected job loss and cancer, and then follows up in part 2 with an interview with Dr. Merry. Well listeners, what a privilege to interview both Peter and Merry as they share both their own and shared journey through Peter's cancer diagnosis and treatment. Merry shares at such a vulnerable level her own journey through this time in their marriage. As an Enneagram 2, Merry struggled with her "2-ness" and how her own desire to take care of Peter was challenged. She struggled with her “shoulds” as she faced her own emotions and was stretched to acknowledge that she had emotions during this time that were legitimate and permissible. Perhaps, listener, you are feeling like your own emotional responses to COVID-19 are not ok because someone else is having a much more difficult time - suffering with COVID or losing a loved one to this horrible virus. Merry shares how she and Peter had to come to the point where they were able to share his cancer journey together and be in the messiness of it together.  In this season with COVID we may not be able to meet others’ emotional needs but we can be in it together. Some tips to navigate this hard season: Acknowledge that you have emotions and emotional needs. Acknowledge that there are going to be some really messy times. Lean on others because our spouses/family members may not be able to meet our emotional needs. Vent in a healthy way! Find creative ways to connect with other support people outside our family units. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
31:09
May 8, 2020
024 - Life Interrupted: Lessons Learned from Facing the Unexpected (Part 1 of 2)
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. This is part one of a two-part conversation. In part 1, Gillian interviews Peter about his journey dealing with unexpected job loss and cancer, and then follows up in part 2 with an interview with Dr. Merry. What a treat to interview Peter Lin, the beloved hubby of Dr. Merry! Peter is a 6 on the Enneagram and has used his strengths to lead in projects in his corporate life and in his faith community. Peter revisits his journey through unexpected job loss and then a cancer diagnosis to help us see the connection to our present struggle with COVID-19. In a raw and honest discussion, Peter asks God “ What are you up to, what are you doing?” Listen in as Peter walks us through his journey. Do you feel like you have been “stripped away” of the knowns in your life during this season? Do you feel like you are in a waiting period with many unknowns? What unexpected things are you experiencing now, and how can you mine this time for the lessons to be learned? How do we wait in the short term but still dream in the long term? Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Online Bible and Devotionals: https://www.youversion.com/ Alpha :https://www.alphacanada.org/try/
28:58
May 1, 2020
023 - The Impostor Syndrome - Finding Freedom by Facing the Fraud in Us
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Wow - what a great conversation. Tune in as Dr. Merry unpacks the Impostor Syndrome. Do you ever feel like you’re one step away from being exposed as a fraud? Do you present as confident on the outside but feel like you’re a “hot mess” on the inside? Using the expertise of Dr. Valerie Young, Merry walks us through the 5 types of Impostors. Which one do you resonate with? Merry shares how early in her career she totally showed up as an Impostor to establish her expertise. Gillian pokes at her a little to challenge Merry about how that worked for her or against her. Dr. Valerie Young defines the “Impostor Syndrome” through the following 5 types. Listen is as we flesh each out and zing a little with the truth! Perfectionist Superwoman/man The Natural Genius The Soloist The Expert What do we do with the truth that this illuminates? Knowledge is only power if we can leverage it to bring about a healthy change towards growth in our lives. Some questions to ponder: Are you self aware? Do you have a trusted friend that you could discuss this with and poke each other a bit? Where has the Impostor Syndrome worked for you? Where has it worked against you? Would you be willing to be vulnerable to be held accountable in this area in your relationships or on your team? Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com The Impostor Syndrome: https://bit.ly/2XAalrZ Self Mastery Model: https://bit.ly/2ykf8mz
30:40
April 24, 2020
022 - 10 Tips for Navigating this Covid-19 Season
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Dear Listener- How are you doing during this stressful time? Merry and Gillian both disclose how they are doing, what emotions are rising to the surface and what to do with this “new normal”. Some of us, like Merry, may be experiencing feelings of guilt, while others, like Gillian, are experiencing feelings of anger. We know from research on trauma that many of us are experiencing some trauma right now as our belief in our world being a safe place is broken. Merry and Gillian share 10 tips to navigate through this time. Listen in as we flesh them out: Practice radical self acceptance. Check your normal expectations of each other - especially your housemates. Create alone space for yourself and each other. Expect “bad” behaviour. Connect with your loved ones. Practice good sleep hygiene. Establish good nutrition to fuel your body for stress responses. Practice self compassion -see Episode # 014. Escape! Daily ground yourself. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com LifeCare Centres: https://lifecarecentres.com Filial Therapy - Play therapy: https://bit.ly/2VvYet4 Sleep Hygiene:  https://bit.ly/3a9Nmq4 Podcast - The Daily Still: https://bit.ly/2xsnIj6 Anxiety Workbook: https://bit.ly/2V9Yorp
31:45
April 17, 2020
021 - People Pleasing, FOMO and Boundaries
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Phew! You don’t want to miss this one! Dr. Merry (Enneagram 2) gets a coaching session from LIfe Coach Gillian (Enneagram 8). Listen in as Dr. Merry shares how she wants to escape her life and may be in danger of burn out once again. As her dear friend, Gillian walks her through a coaching session with some truth and poking to uncover what is going on. This is a gut honest conversation into Dr. Merry’s internal world and what is playing out in the external. Do you have external parameters and boundaries established? Do you let them slide to appease people?  Dr. Merry is an Enneagram 2 with a strong 7 - meaning that she is a people pleaser and also suffers from FOMO.  She shares how her deepest fear is people being angry with her. Gillian as an Enneagram 8 is pressing Merry to move to an 8 state of mind to deal with her deep fear. This was an impromptu coaching session that came out of the blue but was very necessary for Merry to process. Dr. Merry shares the 3 P’s that she needs to put in place to stop her from letting her parameters and boundaries slide: Pause and reflect before responding Process - ask these questions “What’s really going on in me?”, “What is it that I want and/or need?”, Pray and if you are not the praying type then trust this with a wise friend to walk through. And then the most important step: Brave - after the above steps act on what your inner world is telling you!! Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
26:59
April 10, 2020
020 - Who Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Tune in to hear how  Dr. Merry and Life Coach Gillian answer this question: What kind of life do you want to live out in the “older” version of you? Dr. Merry gets to take on the role of lab rat “Marvin” today to answer this question. When kids are little, the adults around them ask, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and then when we retire from the “what” we are asked, “What are you going to do now that the “what” is over?” But “who” do we want to be? What are the words that describe the “who”?  Loving, fun, courageous etc. Research shows that when we have a goal in our minds we live, behave and act in ways that move us closer to our goal. What legacy will you leave? Can you ask “What impact am I having on my world at each stage of life?” What is the area that you want to grow and develop in your own character? We get gut honest about this in our lives. One of the goals we live by right now is to be transparent to our listeners so that you can get a glimpse of what is going on in our hearts and minds. We lead you through some tips to help you think about and craft the older version of you. Remember, we are cheering you on!  We would love to hear what you are thinking - shoot us a message! Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
39:03
April 3, 2020
019 - Healthy Parents - Healthy Kids
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Grace, grace grace. We recognize that some of the conversation will be tough and want to remind parents that you can grow in the health of your parenting even if your kids are adults now. If you are the parent of adult children, Dr. Merry reminds us that it is never too late to work toward a better relationship if you are willing to humble yourself and ask for forgiveness for any hurt you have caused. Don’t wait for the phone to ring to hear from your adult children - make the first move by being courageous in reaching out in humility. In today’s episode, Dr. Merry helps us understand attachment and how central it is to how we do relationships. Merry walks us through attachment styles and how our early attachment to our parents or caregivers shapes us. Our attachment style becomes the filter through which we view others and our relationships. It is a complex subject but Dr. Merry makes it very accessible for us. She shares about the importance of working through our own attachment injuries - not just for ourselves - but for our family and children. For more information about this topic, you can download Dr. Merry’s Audio series, Life-Proofing Our Kids, for free via the link below. We all have a need to feel loved and accepted. If any of today’s episode brings out strong emotions, please reach out to a therapist for help and support. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Dr. Merry’s Free Parenting Resources: https://www.drmerry.com/store/ Still Face Video: https://youtu.be/apzXGEbZht0 Book referenced about doing life with adult children: https://amzn.to/2uX8MIy Book on attachment styles: https://amzn.to/32ZnlrW
34:47
March 27, 2020
018 - From Me to We
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Today we talk about the power of moving from “me” to “we”.  In the book The Confidence Code by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman, the authors describe how our view of doing something for the sake or benefit of others moves us to act with courage and bravery that we may not extend for ourselves. We delve back into how important social connection is to our mental health and how it can help stave off loneliness. We are all wired for connection but life can teach us that we can’t trust or depend on others. Dr. Merry shares some insights about how our fear of being judged may prevent us from “showing up” in life. Do you remember the “happy hormones”? Well, they come alive again in this episode as we talk about social connection and its effects on our brain as well as how loneliness is as much a risk factor to our health as obesity and diabetes are. Want to start connecting to people right away? We issue a little challenge to see how switching on our social engagement in our day to day lives helps us and others as we move our focus from “me” to “we”. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Research on Loneliness and Social Connection: https://bit.ly/338iipb
40:15
March 20, 2020
017 - Gaining Wisdom in the Midst of Heartbreak and Disappointments
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. How do you handle life’s heartbreaks and disappointments? Sadly, disappointment is a part of our lives, but the good news is that we can experience growth and gain wisdom as we handle our disappointments. How? Face the reality that we are hurting. Accept the truth that life has disappointments. Disappointment is painful and we need to let ourselves experience the feelings that go along with it.  We can give ourselves permission to grieve the loss of a failed expectation. Take accountability for our part in the disappointment and heartbreak.  Acknowledge your part in the disappointment. Gillian shares how some of her disappointments are a result of her expectations of herself and others. Do we need to address our expectations? Dr. Merry shares that the brain's response to emotional pain is the same as it is to physical pain. She encourages us to honour our emotional pain the same way we would if we were experiencing physical pain. Give ourselves permission to have the space and rest to recover. Don’t wallow in the pain of disappointment - rather look for the strength you displayed. Use your disappointment to point to the strength rather than your weakness.  Dr. Merry shares some powerful quotes from Lysa Terkeurst’s book  - “The Best Yes”. Mine your disappointments and your heartbreak for growth. Then leverage that wisdom and growth for the next setback to find a healthier path through it. Links: The Best Yes: https://amzn.to/37oHKap Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
28:33
March 13, 2020
016 - The Power of our Thoughts to Transform Our Lives
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Do you think about thinking? Dr. Merry and Gillian talk about the power of our thinking and discuss the damage that A.N.T.s (Automatic Negative Thoughts) can have in our lives. Gillian (Stella) takes on the role of lab rat in this episode and plays along with Dr. Merry to demonstrate how our thinking lives matter to how we show up in the world. How can we use our thought life to change our experience of life? Our ruminating thoughts can focus on positive or negative thoughts and shape our experience. Where do you fall on this spectrum? Our thoughts move us toward our actions - so do your thoughts move you positively or negatively? Dr. Merry walks us through the neuroscience that helps us understand how chemicals are released in the brain and the ensuing effect on our thoughts and actions. What are your practices to frame and reframe your thoughts? Dr. Merry and Gillian both share how they address their shame and fear based thoughts and reframe them. Some guiding principle to help you reframe your thoughts: Pay attention to your thought life (leverage your emotions to help you) Notice when you have a negative thought- be specific Reframe your thinking Refuse to give ground to that negative thought On a daily basis flood your mind with positive and good thoughts Get an accountability partner to help you move forward. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
30:01
March 6, 2020
015 - Growth and Freedom through Facing Reality
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. In today’s episode, we talk about facing our current life realities and how to move forward to growth and freedom in our lives. What we resist persists.  Woah - that's an ouch! What and how do we resist our reality and get caught in stuck patterns? How do we get so far down the road in our “stuckness” before we notice we are stuck again? Merry reminds us that growth is a lifelong journey and to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves as we face up to reality. We encourage our listeners to take some time and think about your life: How you handle your relationships How you handle your work How you handle your thought life How you handle your emotions You may recognize a stuck pattern that you are in denial about or are running from. Shame and secondary gains may be preventing you from experiencing growth and freedom. Have you hit rock bottom with an area of your life? Dr. Merry says that is a good thing because the pain of staying where you are needs to be greater than the pain of the changes you need to make to move forward. Facing our reality allows us to grow, repair and move forward through it to health! We provide an exercise to help you navigate where you may be stuck right now because we want you to experience great freedom in your life. We know you can do it! We are cheering you on! Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Referenced book: Chazown: https://amzn.to/38h0E4g
30:08
February 28, 2020
014 - Self-Compassion as an Antidote to Shame
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. In today’s episode, we talk about extending self-compassion to bust shame, fear and help us grow and develop our resilience. Self-compassion is directing empathy, gentleness and acceptance towards ourselves when we have messed up. Self-compassion says “I made a bad choice” whereas shame says “ I am a bad person”.  Self-compassion doesn’t excuse us but rather helps us to reflect honestly and then make appropriate changes towards growth. Are you extending empathy and gentleness towards yourself?  Dr. Merry and Gillian both share personal experiences that caused them to unleash their inner critic.  Merry shares how quickly she can move towards shame and how she is growing in her move towards self-compassion. Gillian shares how an experience of shame played out in her life. The inner critic labels the person - self-compassion labels the behaviour. Dr. Merry walks us through some steps to move from the inner critic towards a more compassionate view of ourselves. Self-compassion develops out of a stable sense of who we are. How do we develop self-compassion? This episode walks through practical steps towards self-acceptance and self-compassion. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com The Power of Self Compassion by Kristen Neff: https://bit.ly/2SBDhM3
35:56
February 21, 2020
013 - Confidence as the “Secret Sauce” to Success
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Confidence: Merry has been reading a great book - The Confidence Code ( link below). We dive right in to find out what holds us back from showing up confidently.  How can we grow in confidence? How does risk play into confidence? Merry and Gillian both admit to deep insecurities even though people often think of us as confident.  As an Enneagram 2 - Merry identifies how shame can lead to a lack of confidence as she worries about what others think of her. In the book there is a great quote that confident women are ”brave enough to not only be different but to be themselves”  (The Confidence Code). Confidence may be strongly linked to letting go of our worries about what others think of us. Do we as women care too much about what others think of us? How does that resonate with you? Can you accept perceived failure and move towards confidence? Competence is rooted in failure because it comes right out of repeated tries to get it right. Gillian shares how working through her insecurity and fear of failure in the technology world has allowed her to be at her best when doing corporate presentations. Merry has intentionally pushed herself to speak up when she is feeling less than confident by prefacing her words with “ I’m just going to float this out there…” Merry has come to understand that when she shows up with her vulnerability and transparency it actually engages the audience more than her perfection does - AMEN! Gillian shares an embarrassing episode of snowboarding and how the feelings of failing and falling played out in her mind. Life Coaching Notes: Take risks - show us as the full you Tolerate feeling foolish Don’t get inside your head with “would of, could of, should of” Laugh at yourself Don’t look for perfection - make the goal to learn and grow! Start with small risks and then leverage the small ones to take on bigger risks, e.g., think moving from a 5k to a marathon. Merry shares how our choice to risk opens up the door for God to do the impossible. Fear can hold you back from what God desires for you to give to the world. Risk will grow your faith and grow your experience of seeing God do the impossible. Question to ponder:  “What are the hard things that you have learned from and how can you leverage them for the next hard, risky, courageous thing?” Links: The Confidence Code: https://theconfidencecode.com/ Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
31:23
February 14, 2020
012 - Hope and Growth from Trauma
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. In today’s episode, Dr. Merry helps us to understand how trauma affects our lives and creates barriers to stop us living the fully lived life. With years of clinical experience treating clients, Dr. Merry gently walks us through this tough subject to give us hope and help us move toward healing. Trauma - “Big T” and “Little t”! There is a difference between “big T” and “little t” trauma, but both are significant and in need of healing so we can move forward in our lives. God has designed our brains to be remarkably resilient to trauma - especially early childhood trauma. But unresolved trauma can lead to PTSD. Locked- in trauma becomes like a toxic waste bin in our brain that spills over into every area of our lives. We cannot white knuckle our way through it and hope it goes away. How can you pay attention to your own ways of moving through life to help you if you are affected by trauma? Pay attention to repetitive coping mechanisms, e.g., over-eating, increased anxiety, panic attacks, angry outbursts, and relationship breakdowns that could be signals to something deeper going on. Merry walks us through an exercise to journal our history and what to do if this exercise stirs us up. There are great therapeutic methods like EMDR and sand tray therapy that help people process trauma more effectively than talk therapy. Trauma work should be done by a therapist specifically trained in trauma. PTSD - signs and symptoms are discussed. How to grow from trauma and heal so that we move forward in our lives and live the life we want to live. Individuals who move through their trauma can be hope bearers for others. If you believe you are suffering from trauma in your life please reach out for help. Links: LifeCare Centres: www.lifecarecentres.com Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com Romeo Daillaire: https://bit.ly/2FVWmmh Max Eisen:https://amzn.to/2QUOzvb
29:21
February 7, 2020
011 - Belonging
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Today we tackle the topic of belonging. All of us can relate to a time in our life where we felt like we didn’t belong. Is there something deeper going on within us that could negatively affect our connecting with others? Belonging: “ I feel like I don’t belong!” What does the word “belonging” elicit for you? Merry shares that for her, the word “belonging” means to be accepted, to be seen for who we are, to be loved for who we are. When we don’t belong we are left with feelings of insecurity. To create a felt sense of belonging, we connect with the following: Affinity - likemindedness Community - purpose together Connection - with each other Safety and Trust Loneliness can be real or perceived. A feeling that “I am on my own” and “there is no one there for me”. Merry shares from her early experience as an immigrant and how that led to some lies that she believed about herself. Gillian shares how words from a family member created a filter that she has had to overcome. We acknowledge that we all carry our “junk” around with us and that can create obstacles to belonging. Are you responding to the lies that you believe or can you look at the truth about yourself? Belonging is not perfect because we all bring our imperfect selves with us but if we can adapt to think that “good enough” relationships is a good place to begin, we can foster a sense of belonging. Life Coaching Tips from Dr. Merry: Make a list of the lies and mental agreements you are believing about yourself Refute the lies on the list with truth. Ask God to lead you through this process or reach out and ask a trusted friend to help you. Then use the truth and refute the lies that pop into your head and defeat you. Remember you have rehearsed the lie many times so it will take some time to retrain yourself to tell yourself the truth. If you have childhood trauma / attachment wounds  you may need to reach out to a professional for help to process and heal. Remember that reaching out is for your health and well being. Links: LifeCare Centres: https://lifecarecentres.com Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
29:47
January 31, 2020
010 - The Power of Gratitude to Change Our Lives
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Listeners - Thank you so much for helping us reach over 500 listens in our first week!! We love the feedback and encouragement you are giving us! We took a risk to show up as our authentic selves and put this podcast out there - so thank you! Gratitude: Gratitude and the practice of gratitude has its foundations in faith practices. The Roman Catholic practice of Examen is a beautiful way of checking in with yourself over the course of a day and building a gratitude practice. Do you engage gratitude on a conscious level? If so you are building many benefits into your mind and body health. How do grateful thoughts actually change your brain? Do you have a propensity to fixate on negative thoughts based from worry and fear? Gratitude has a positive effect on the amygdala and the hippocampus in the brain and, as a result, brings about healing for our present and our past. Gratitude causes the release of lots of good hormones and neurotransmitters in our bodies - like dopamine, seratonin, and oxytocin - that have been shown to increase our happiness, resilience and connection with others. Can our relationships benefit from the practice of gratitude? What effect does gratitude have on work teams and leadership? Life Coaching Tips: Gillian suggests building a daily practice of gratitude by stacking it on a habit you already have established. Habit stacking is a great way to ensure that a new habit succeeds. Gillian is going to build her conscious gratitude habit around mealtimes that are already firmly established habits. Merry suggests creating a list of 100 Things you are grateful for! Listener- “what are you grateful for about yourself?” Merry reminds us that even if we don’t “feel” it we can still write it down. This is a way to reframe how we view ourselves and others. “Don’t do it because it feels right - do it because it is right!” Links: Article on gratitude: https://positivepsychology.com/neuroscience-of-gratitude/ Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
31:54
January 24, 2020
009 - Facing Fear and Anxiety
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Dr. Merry shares that anxiety is up the wazoo. - clinical terms! Join the conversation as Merry and Gillian talk about, fear, anxiety, and parenting anxious kids, all through the insight of Dr. Merry’s clinical experience. Merry shares that fear is a survival mechanism that is wired into us for survival. However, because of beliefs and trauma, our fear lever can get stuck and the alert in our system goes off to things that are not inherently dangerous - leading to serious anxiety and suffering. Merry shares how trauma can lead the brain to perceived threats in the environment. Repeated anxious thoughts can reinforce our brain patterns, but repeated healthy thoughts can also lead to our healing, with professional help. We have a tendency to shut down our awareness of anxiety in ourselves and in our children, which can actually lead to insurmountable anxiety. Merry walks us through some of the tools that can be used to help us with anxiety. Merry also gives us hope as she shares her own experience with trauma and anxiety and through her experience as a clinician too. How do we move toward a fully lived life if we are locked in fear and anxiety? Do we want to live small lives but avoiding anything that causes us anxiety? Do we want to acknowledge, face and move through fear and anxiety to live bigger, fuller lives? Gillian shares an experience of moving through fear and the lessons she learned. Gillian can now leverage that experience to help her face other scary things in her life. For parents - are you passing along your own fears to your children? Merry shares her expertise in some freebies offered in the links below. Links: Free Resources for Parents: https://www.drmerry.com/store/ Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
20:38
January 17, 2020
008 - Leading a Life of Faith Even in the Midst of Fear
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. In this episode we talk about living a life of faith and some of the obstacles in our way as we journey through life. Merry shares how she leads clients through to help them with anxiety and then she circles back to that exercise and how it is true in her own life. Merry does a deep dive into her own story beginning in childhood and moving to the present day. Merry shares her personal journey of growing up in a Christian family and operating out of an anxious state of belief, “I must do the right thing or something bad may happen”. As an 8-year-old, Merry experienced her first crisis of faith when tragedy struck their family. Merry shares how trauma led her to OCD like behaviour. Merry’s belief that “ it’s all up to me”, “I'm on my own”, and “I need to be self sufficient” has led to times of deep loneliness and pain throughout her life. Can you relate to Merry when she shares these lies that she has believed? “‘I’m on my own.” “It’s all up to me.” “I have to be self sufficient.” Have you ever asked “God, where are you?” During her burnout in adulthood, Merry let it all out in front of God, all her ugly tears, her anger, her feelings of betrayal and instead of God turning His back - He drew close. Have you sat with your pain, your wounds, your betrayals and let it all hang out with God? Merry shares how the story of Lazarus really spoke to her in her own journey. Merry gives us hope by sharing how her life experiences with loss and burnout sustained her during a very rough few years when her mother and father both passed away and her husband was navigating a cancer diagnosis. The bridge of faith that she walked across through her life was strong enough to provide her the resilience to journey with loss and cancer. Dear Listener - if this episode has stirred up some things in your life: Take the brave step of reaching out to a friend, a therapist, a grief counsellor - you are not alone! Our desire is to give you hope for your life journey. Links: Story of Lazarus: https://bit.ly/39id38W Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
33:02
January 10, 2020
007 - Stress and its Impact
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. In this episode, Gillian shares how stress impacted her life and how she made adjustments to get back on track. Merry shares how our population as a whole is becoming more stressed and how children as young as 3 years of age are presenting with signs of anxiety and stress. Gillian shares how stress was presenting in her life and impacting her health. As previously discussed in Episode 006 - Gillian admits to living with very little margin in her life. As an Enneagram 8 - Active Controller and a person who sees perseverance as both a strength and a weakness - Gillian shares how pushing through leads to heightened stress. Merry challenges Gillian to share how the lies and mental agreements were driving her to continue in unhealthy patterns. What are the lies that are driving you? What are the mental agreements that you are believing? Gillian came to the decision that a hard stop in her life in some areas was necessary when her physical health began to suffer and recovery took longer and longer. What external and internal changes may you have to make to handle and reduce stress in your life? Links: Stress Assessment: https://bit.ly/364H2iu Self-Care and Lifestyle: https://bit.ly/2Qjf1go Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
26:57
December 31, 2019
006 - Creating Margin in Your Life to Do the Things that Matter!
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. How do you get your butt in gear to enter a new year and a new decade? How do you head into this new year with grace, space and forgiveness for yourself? Join Merry and Gillian as they walk through some practical and intentional steps to help you honestly assess your life's demands and how you can create margin for the things you long for that bring you joy. Merry shares how taking action is key to how she wants to live. How do we keep a busy life with many demands in some sort of balance? Is this even possible? Does your life feel chaotic? if so, it's not a matter of just becoming a better juggler. Merry suggests using a better approach to create margin or white space in our lives. Margin becomes a priority and may create disappointment in others if we say no to incoming demands - Enneagram 2’s and people pleasers, be aware! Facing our problems requires us to respond to bring resolution. This may be uncomfortable and even scary as it may expose how we rationalize our lives’ pain and tension points. Gillian and Merry provide several life coaching tools for our listeners to identify what is going on to hold us back from creating white space. The dinner plate exercise helps us identify what we are doing by choice. The Adrenal Fatigue exercise helps us with an honest evaluation of our physical and emotional well being and can be used as a wake up tool to make changes. Do you need a friend to journey with you? Accountability can help! Merry and Gillian share some changes that they will build margin for in 2020 and will hold each other accountable for these changes. Remember - change doesn’t happen without being intentional. Links: Dinner Plate Exercise : https://bit.ly/2MBVgzL Adrenal Fatigue: https://bit.ly/2MCKcCC Sacred Pathways: https://bit.ly/363RqHo Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
30:04
December 31, 2019
005 - Creating a Hope-Filled Vision for Your Life
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Join the conversation with Merry and Gillian as they help our listeners create a vision or a dream for their lives. What is your “why” to hope for? What are you willing to say “no” to, so that you can say “yes” to something you long for, hope for, dream of? Research shows us that when we keep our eye on the goal and have a positive view of the outcome, we tend to stick with the process (positive psychology). We can shift our view to the positive and move away from the negative aspects of the process that keeps us from our goals. Success is hard work and we need a willingness to move through some pain to get to the goal. Merry suggests a view of “life as we wish it to be” she asks her clients - “if you had nothing holding you back - no restraints financially, physically etc. - how would you see yourself living your life?” She asks clients to describe an ideal day - “if you are at the top of your game, doing everything that you love, you're living with joy - what would that look like?” Merry identifies that for some people, even allowing themselves to dream can be very daunting, so taking the time to do so and craft a response to the above questions is foundational to moving forward in our goals and longings. Gillian suggests being able to identify the obstacle in your way. (There is always a real or a perceived obstacle.) She suggests that you use a previous similar situation that you had success in to write out a narrative. “Get as detailed as you can and describe how you felt before and through the narrative and at the end when an outcome was reached. Then use that as leverage to write out how the next hard thing that should unfold.” Gillian and Merry share some tips for parents and some truths from scripture to help us fix our minds on the positives. What tools can you bring into your life to keep you in a positive mindset and avoid slipping into a negative mindset thinking? What are you allowing into your mind from internal or external forces? Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
24:33
December 31, 2019
004 - Facing the Fears that Hold you Back
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. In this episode Merry encourages Gillian to share in a very vulnerable way the ways she shows up in the world as an Enneagram 8 - The Active Controller and how she has moved from the unhealthy side of this to the healthy side. Enneagram 8’s fear vulnerability so they mask it by trying to control everything. Gillian shares how her early years probably shaped her thought processes that led her to think it was all up to her. Gillian shares how she was living well beyond her capacity and energy levels - which for an Enneagram 8 is high and how coming to terms with this led to some life course corrections. Getting honest with herself and being vulnerable with her own stuff led Gillian to walk though Freedom Session and allowed her to change the narrative she was telling herself. Are you willing to get gut honest with yourself? Do your coping mechanisms work for you or against you? What ways do you try to control things or relationships in your life and how is this holding you back from living fully? Merry shares her insight on how anxiety can be a gift in our lives - its fascinating and thought provoking. How can you grow authentic relationships by regularly showing up for each other and what does that even look like? Merry and Gillian unpack this a little to give you hope and to help you grow in your most important relationships. Coaching Tips from Merry: Acknowledge your fears - you may need a friend, a coach or a therapist to walk with you through this. Identify what holds you back from facing your fears. Understand your core fears and address what is underlying those fears. Begin to address and prioritize the things that you need to work on. Be accountable to a friend or small group to help you grow. Links: Freedom Session: https://bit.ly/2SBaIQj Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
30:10
December 31, 2019
003 - How People Pleasing can Lead to Burnout
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science psychology and life experiences. In this episode, Merry shares her personal story with burnout. As a psychologist, Dr. Merry identifies herself as a recovering people pleaser. Merry shares how the energy she was pouring into pleasing others, wearing multiple masks and doing all the things to cover her sense of shame led her to this very dangerous chapter of her life. The drive for affirmation and keeping the pace to hit the “ideal” emptied Merry of her compassion, rest, peace and relationships. As a seasoned clinician, Merry was ignoring all the signs and symptoms of burnout. Pouring herself out to everyone else left her feeling abandoned by God and asking “when is it my turn”? Can you relate? What are the signs of burnout? What is your body telling you? Check in with your physical self to really pay attention to changes in your physical self. What is your spiritual self telling you? Are you experiencing the dark night of the soul? What are your relationships telling you? Are you showing signs of compassion fatigue, are you edgy, easily annoyed and just wanting to retreat from your daily life and relationships? Are you pushing the limits physically, emotionally and spiritually, all to keep others happy and to avoid disappointing anyone? Merry discloses that she was operating out of her false self. Shame was a motivator for the dysfunction that was playing out in her journey to burnout. She shares how she came to realize that she needed to take ownership and accountability for her own emotional needs. Dear listener - How are you responding to this idea of shame? Does today’s podcast resonate with you? In what ways have you experienced shame? Gillian and Merry share their Enneagram numbers: Merry a 2 and Gillian an 8. Both will reference these numbers and how they play out in their lives in future podcast episodes. Links: Recommended Enneagram assessment: https://www.integrative9.com Excerpt of Merry’s book: https://bit.ly/2QpA411 Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
40:56
December 31, 2019
002 - Heading Strong into the New Year
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency - through the lens of science, psychology, and life experiences. Reflecting on the year as it closes and moving intentionally into the new year. Merry shares with us how to retreat, reflect and refresh as you anticipate what’s to come. In her yearly retreat, Merry discloses how she was dangerously teetering on the brink of burnout again and what she needed to change to avoid future episodes of burnout. What does the research say about New Year’s resolutions and how to create lasting change? In this episode we discuss: How to clear out the cobwebs, noise and demands in your life Do the themes in your journals just repeat from year to year? Are you ready to move forward ? Intention + Action = Change! Merry provides a link to an assessment - “Are you sleepwalking through life?” Gillian provides a link to the book “Atomic Habits” by James Clear. Merry and GIllian both bravely share their intentions and actions as they move into 2020. Links: Merry’s assessment (pp. 10-11 of excerpt): https://bit.ly/2QwbETM Atomic Habits by James Clear https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
24:35
December 31, 2019
001 - Setting the Stage - Finding Your Tribe
Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love and purpose - with wisdom, humour and transparency -  through the lens of science psychology and life experiences. Join Merry and Gillian as they set the stage for the podcast content. In Episode 001 we dive right in to how to develop deep and abiding relationships. Science backs up our need for healthy relationships. Merry and Gillian have both wanted to “fire” each other as a friend at times but have worked through those times to solidify a very deep and transparent relationship.  Looking at friendships from the perspective of a psychologist and a Life Coach and using our own friendship as an example we will chat about: How to be the friend you want to be How to foster authentic relationships How removing the masks of fear, insecurities, pride and jealousy sets us free to deepen relationships How to show up and be the true you in your relationships Life Coaching exercise - List the values you want in a friend and then asses on a scale of 1 - 5 how you measure up in those areas. Psychologist tip - Work on the areas you have identified that are important to you in a friendship. Links: Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI Dr. Merry’s videos: https://bit.ly/377eFR0 Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com
26:33
December 26, 2019