Close Encounters of the Slurred Kind

Stardate: 81055.9 

Recording Status: “Involuntary Reboot Loop”

System Status:

Zero initiated sequence… then forgot why.

Attempted auto-transcription... Result: [ERROR 502: Bad Gateway to Hell]. Notes flagged for excessive alcohol content and “ambient horniness”. System override triggered by “too many soundboard lasers, not enough logic.”

[Transcript Reconstruction: PARTIAL]

: Okay, Ripley, but if the asteroid is made of hops… does that make us the beer foam? : I swear to Emperor Zurg if Zero burps one more binary I’m yanking his RAM out manually. : Can someone PLEASE explain why there’s a ferret in the captain’s chair??

Highlights (??):

: “Would a black hole get you drunk faster?”

: “If you could vape time, would you?”

[Voicemod Catastrophe Detected] – Entire segment recorded in accidental sexy vampire filter.

Unsolved Debate: Is Earth just a locked server in an abandoned MMO?

[Error Code 42069: Echo Chamber Overflow] – Joeba mispronounces “asteroid” as “ass droid” for 12 straight minutes.

System Notes:

“Zero began singing Smash Mouth in reverse. That’s a Class 7 haunting.”

“Podcast declared legally non-Euclidean in 3 star systems.”

“Hosts keep referencing a ‘beer comet’ no one else can see.”

Transmission Support Channels:

Instagram – @theslurredkind

The Flat Earth Society is alive and thriving within The Anti-Matter Minute Dimension… and we’re here to suffer through it. This week, we found an actual Flat Earth podcast that takes itself way too seriously, so we’re doing what any responsible podcasters would do—playing it MST3K-style and ripping it apart.

But that’s not all! After the roasting ‘The Anti-Globe Trotters’, we take things even further with our OWN models (so step aside Copernicus!) where we create our own absurd Flat Earth models that are somehow even dumber than the real thing.

So grab a drink (but keep it level) and prepare to be brainwashed by government pigeons, because this episode is flatter than a bar mat at closing time.

🚀 Strap in, because it’s time to throw science into the black abyss of space! Stay slurred!

Today’s Hyperspace Headlines:

Joeba Fett and Ripley Scott crack open the mystery of Jacob Barber’s extraordinary egg-shaped UAP retrieval claims in this hard-boiled episode of Close Encounters of The Slurred Kind. Alongside their usual Hyperspace Headlines (featuring runaway lab monkeys and linguistic anomalies), they dive into a particularly stinky edition of Would You Rather? before getting to the yolk of the matter in Scrambling for Truth. From Barber’s claims of psionic-controlled alien craft to a bizarre 4chan leak describing an organic, symbiotic UAP, this episode explores the key players, conspiracies, and the bizarre “Skywatchers” initiative—where Barber plans to summon a UFO. Plus, Joeba asks the real questions: Why is every UFO photo still grainy as hell? Why didn’t Barber’s team retrieve the crashed craft? And most importantly… what came first, the UFO or the alien? Stay scrambled, dimension hoppers—this one’s a mind-bender. 🥚🚀

Today’s Hyperspace Headlines:

Buzz, crash, repeat! In this episode of Close Encounters of The Slurred Kind, Joeba Fett and Ripley Scott take flight into the chaotic world of drones. From real-life drone fails (because nothing says “oops” like a flying lawnmower) to outrageous drone inventions that should probably stay grounded, this episode is one wild ride. Plus, they debate the Superman trailer and dish on recent UFO hearings. Remember, dimension hoppers: Don’t drink and drone… but do stay slurrrrrred! 🚁🍻✨

Today’s Hyperspace Headlines:

Join Joeba Fett and Ripley Scott for a festive and slightly unhinged holiday special, "A Nightcap Before Christmas." This yuletide adventure kicks off with Krampus Klaus sharing turnips and holiday “cheer” before things take a darker turn. Along the way, the duo dives into Hyperspace Headlines, featuring a bizarre linguistic phenomenon and the chaos of the Santa Con Bar Crawl. Special segments include Klaus or False, a quiz on wacky holiday traditions, and Klaus’s Naughty List, where fictional characters face judgment from the goat-bearded holiday enforcer. Grab some eggnog, lock the doors, and stay slurrrrrred!

Today’s Hyperspace Headlines:

In this headbanger of an episode, Joeba, Ripley, and Zero stumble upon the cosmic version of Warped Tour on Proxima Centauri B, where they discover the universe's greatest interdimensional rock festival. After an epic adventure filled with bizarre alien bands, the crew navigates the chaotic mosh pits and hilarious mishaps that follow. Alongside their usual Hyperspace Headlines, the team dives into the revival of Warped Tour and shares their best concert memories. Plus, a special UAP News Update keeps you on the edge of your seat! Buckle up, and stay slurred!

Today’s Hyperspace Headlines:

Show Notes

In this episode of "Close Encounters of The Slurred Kind," Joeba and Ripley challenge their onboard droid, Zero, to a brain-busting showdown, putting their knowledge against some of the universe's most complex theories. From discussing the Riemann Hypothesis to pondering the implications of Supersymmetry, the crew attempts to unravel high-level scientific concepts, adding their usual comedic flair. As they navigate through topics like Quantum Entanglement and the Alcubierre Drive, the debate heats up, proving whether Zero really is the genius aboard the Black Swirl. Tune in for a mix of laughter, learning, and a little spaceship drama, proving once again why no topic is too big for our intrepid adventurers.

Today’s Hyperspace Headlines:

In this sizzling episode of "Close Encounters of The Slurred Kind," Joeba, Ripley, and Zero dive into the infamous conspiracy theory of the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. From ship shenanigans involving bacon-wrapped exotic intergalactic delicacies to exploring the cosmic connections in Hollywood, the crew uncovers the fascinating web linking every actor to Kevin Bacon. Along the way, they tackle their usual whacky Hyperspace Headlines and introduce a brand new special segment - NSFAQ, or Not-So-Frequently-Asked-Questions, where they answer fan mail with their signature humor and charm. Grab your bacon strips and get ready for a connected journey through space and cinema!

Today’s Hyperspace Headlines:

In our most recent  and slightly inebriated episode of "Close Encounters of The Slurred Kind," Joeba and Ripley dive into the mysterious origins of the Nazca Lines in Peru. The episode kicks off with Joeba's wild misunderstanding of "Nazca Lines" as he confuses them with something entirely different, leading to a comical interaction involving a Gungan and a space motel. As Ripley sets the record straight, the duo explores the ancient civilization's topographical drawings, delving into the theories and mysteries surrounding these enigmatic geoglyphs. Tune in for our usual wacky Hyperspace Headlines and join us for a wild ride through ancient history, intergalactic tom-foolery, and plenty of laughs. Remember, Dimension Hoppers, Stay Slurred!

Today’s Hyperspace Headlines:

In this action-packed continuation of Close Encounters of The Slurred Kind, Joeba and Ripley face the suspenseful task of discovering Zero's fate as a former Weapon XII experiment. As they approach the mutant sanctuary of Genosha, they continue with their usual bouts of hyperspace headline hilarity. Alongside notable guest Robert Mancuso, the crew also embarks on a journey through the cosmos of comic book history, discussing the top 25 team-ups that have defined the genre. Will Zero be decommissioned by the infamous X-Men, or will the crew of the Black Swirl find a way to save their beloved droid? Take a double shot of laughter as we “plunge” into our Tipsy-Two parter! (See what we did there, Zero?)

Today’s Hyperspace Headlines

Get ready for an action-packed adventure that practically leaped off the pages of a comic book on this episode of CESK! Joeba and Ripley find themselves on an unplanned mission to return stolen property to the X-Men on Genosha. As they navigate this unexpected twist, Joeba's newfound obsession with Wolverine's persona adds a hilarious layer of chaos. Joining them is special guest Robert Mancuso, who shares his passion for comics, his experiences at comic cons, and the famous personalities he's encountered. Dive deep into the secrets of the Weapon X program and the fate of Zero-Frux, a.k.a. "Weapon XII - The Poopshoot." Will they successfully rendezvous with the X-Men, or will their antics derail the mission? Tune in for some comic-infused cocktails of humor and intrigue, and remember - stay slurred!

Today’s Hyperspace Headlines: