Today I Learned (Nothing)
By Steve Shinney
Today I Learned (Nothing)Sep 21, 2020
Today I Learned what's going on with Today I Learned Nothing
Just a quick update on why there hasn't been any new shows on the feed lately.
Basically we've taken all the Today I Learned Nothing energy and moved it to a new show call Then You Ruined It. Check it out over at https://anchor.fm/jason-sigler.
I've also included a little sneak peek of what we get up to over there just in case you think we've changed.
Digi-Cuck and Cellulo-Dom | Today I Learned Nothing
Our children don't understand that our favorite Twitch streamers were our friends that had the other gaming systems in our hometowns. Also, did Jason accidentally have a dom/sub situation set up with his best friend? Finally, screening your kid's favorite streamer for offensive content is a new level of hell they just added. Click Like and Subscribe!
The Year We Made It Weird | Today I Learned Nothing
This has been a garbage fire of a year for a multitude of reasons, but we had a bit of fun talking about everything from Kramer/David Letterman/penis comparisons, coveting thy neighbor's sweet tech, culturally-insensitive Idahoan sumo clubs, and Steve's innate macho ax-throwing skills that no one cares about, to synchronized impersonations of subjugated, prehistoric animal species and talking to our pees pees about the birds and the bees. Join us for a laugh or two and wait for what has to be a better year later this week.
Brother, AIM ME! | Today I Learned Nothing
Hearing the smacking of lips while someone is chewing will send Jason into such a rage that he could punch a child. He's not going to, but you understand that it describes the level of his anger, right? That makes sense? Also, Steve's kids aim each other like guns to unload a clip of flatulence onto him and we fear you might be next.
Classic Dog Table Boosties | Today I Learned Nothing
Jason swears everyone has peed their pants at one point or another (outside of childhood, of course, where we were all just constant streams and sprays of urine). Steve purports to deny that claim, though his own evidence contradicts this position. Also, did you ever call them boosties? Didn't think so.
A Mario Pooper | Today I Learned Nothing
The pandemic has us all making the best of a bad situation, including our kids. Steve's son has figured this pandemic schooling thing out, and lollipops are included. Jason's daughter, meanwhile, has too much integrity to make the grift worth it. Jason's just happy not to have to deal with his co-workers "wanting things." The rest of the episode is literally ya-yas and wee-wees.
The Hardy Boys and The Parking Lot Sumo Club | Today I Learned Nothing
Have you ever sumo wrestled your friend for shotgun while riding to McDonald's with the gang? Steve did, and he files his report of this shrinking, little-known high school pastime. Also, Jason was, unsurprisingly, the waterboy for the football team, and witnessed first-hand just how that group solves conflicts within itself. Finally, the guys do a barrel roll while trying to talk about tragic headlines from the past.
Everybody Likes The Bike Guy! | Today I Learned Nothing
The disrespect of Steve's friends for the environment cost him a pie and his family is terrible at estimating their grocery needs when is cycling to fulfill them. These are two separate thoughts that sum up how much stress he is currently under. Also, Jason feels like filled donuts betrayed him, not unlike a Gusher.
The Summer of SmackDown | Today I Learned Nothing
Some good wisdom from this episode: When trying to hook up your sister, don't mention how hot your mom is. When trying to break up a relationship so you can date someone ... don't. And when wrestling a girl, the heart of a true man will take the bump and earn the right to wear the crimson mask. We're just full of it in this episode.
Creepy Christmas Whisperings | Today I Learned Nothing
You have to ask yourself, what kind of monster do you want your kids playing in? Also, why are sophomores too good to go out the butt like everyone else? And Steve talks about his friend who missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity because of intestinal issues. Finally, we wrap things up on an unfortunately timed Alex Trebek joke. No harm meant, and RIP to one of the most amazing game show hosts and human beings this world has ever known.
David Letterman Has Failed Me | Today I Learned Nothing
The guys agree that late night TV has changed a lot in the last decade, but it also hasn't really changed at all. Then, the talk strays to whether or not Jason pees in the shower and, honestly, it's just a big toilet bowl after that.
We Are Truly Pigeon Poop | Today I Learned Nothing
Let he who is without poop cast the first load. Steve is convinced that the loathsome white stuff that flies from a sky rat's butt is a sign of karma setting things right with a person. Jason asks was it karma or consequence? But really, they're both just full of it.
VOTE (and Beat Zelda) | Today I Learned Nothing
We bask in the glory of Steve's Pile of Shame, including some standout Zelda titles. Also, find out why you shouldn't ever watch someone beat a game you might want to play. Finally, bond over gaming with someone you love ... and don't be surprised when your relationship is ruined.
WARNING, Don't Try This at Home | Today I Learned Nothing
When it comes to defending your home, Steve recommends a good old fashioned pair of nunchucks. Jason opts to scare them with a ghostly, pale sight instead. Also, just what does graphite do in a baseball bat?
Davy Crockett is a Saint | Today I Learned Nothing
Steve was excited to bond with his wife on their first date in months and she was dreading the thought. He was also super stoked about showing off his super questionable skills in axe throwing that his childhood neighbor, Davy Crockett, taught him. Finally, never forget, that his wife is always keeping score.
Soliloquizing the Media | Today I Learned Nothing
Jason got a small taste of the pastor's life and the elusive stardom of a YouTube star in the same go and he wants MORE. Steve's kids agree that he and his wife are weird about their social media dreams and want better representation. And both guys look back at their early beginnings on the "make other people listen to your voice" world of podcasting.
Sack-agawea | Today I Learned Nothing
Steve tells of the greatest coin purse he ever owned, and why they make kangaroos cower in fear. Jason posits that frontier was so boring, people resorted to loving on the animals a bit too much. Together, the guys go on Amazon to check the price of kangaroo scrotum bags.
For The Love of The Dame | Today I Learned Nothing
Steve is sad to see summer go, but he's sending it off with one of his favorite pastimes: CRABBIN'. Learn why a pot is not necessarily a cage, why sexing a crab does not involve butter, and why peeing on yourself (or others), while hilarious, does nothing to alleviate the pain of a jellyfish sting.
Lockdown Labor Day Clip Show Extravaganza | Today I Learned Nothing
It's Labor Day weekend, so it's a perfect time for a clip show! Steve is insistent about not visiting a back-alley porn room and he recalls the war between the bloods and the crips in the woods of Idaho, while Jason lashes out like a toddler because he has too much stuff and reminds Steve that he's actually quite dyslexic.
Get Your Mother-In-Law A Corn | Today I Learned Nothing
Relationships with mothers-in-law can be tricky, but especially when they inexplicably cry about corn, as Steve found out. And while Steve has grown and matured since getting married and having kids, Jason appears to be regressing and will soon by a fetus once again.
A Lovely Prosgutto | Today I Learned Nothing
Steve does it for the Gram and sees no problem with that. Jason sucks at taking pictures and his wife will make sure you know it before he can ruin your precious moments. Together, both guys adore the familial cowboys and prostitutes of old west family photography.
It's a PRIVATE Party | Today I Learned Nothing
Jason's daughter loves to stall at bedtime with a good old-fashioned stumper, but this one takes the cake, and Steve just wants to hang out with the rabbits that want nothing to do with him. And finally, what do you think a private party would be to a child?
Douchetimidation | Today I Learned Nothing
If you want to learn a new skill, DO IT. Don't let Jason, who can only play guitar with his mouth and gave up on piano lessons after a few weeks or Steve, who hasn't played since his days in the Outback and even then could only rock out one Garth Brooks ballad, convince you otherwise.
Buttlecocks On Buttcher Paper | Today I Learned Nothing
After talking about fun games to play with your family ('s bodies in quarantine), Jason talks about showing inappropriate movies at the Walmart electronics section and relays the horrors he saw working as a janitor in a doctor's office.
That Is SO Dan Brown | Today I Learned Nothing
Steve's family has fun with the "F" word (yes, that one) and Jason dulled his artistic abilities to make Pictionary more fun. Finally, the guys talk about, then spoil, The Da Vinci Code in this, the year 2020.
The Dew Tree, Brought To You By Dew, Do the Dew! | Today I Learned Nothing
Jason is worried that his daughter isn't learning responsibility but Steve is concerned that Jason is a terrible father in the first place (serving lemonade at breakfast, the cad!). Steve's mother-in-law invites her jug band to wake up the family at 4 AM (in Jason's mind). Finally, get off your butt, stretch your quads, and KIP UP, you loser.
Get It Off The Pole On Steve Avenue | Today I Learned Nothing
Steve recalls second-hand sign-stealing events he definitely wasn't a part of, back when trucks were made of nothin' but ... TRUCK. He also implores Jason to get napalmic on the wasps terrorizing him as a youth while retrieving the mail. Finally, we must all stand in awe of Steve's dad, who once took out a fly while it was still in the air. Truly awe-inspiring.
Determination & Gumption, Sweetheart | Today I Learned Nothing
Steve, a self-proclaimed master mover, nearly crushed his friend's head with a washing machine, which Steve got mad about when the friend appeared to be injured for several seconds. Jason's best friend has turned bleeding during moving into a pastime, and a very uncomfortable one at that.
The Real Dumb Friend Is The Friends We Made Along The Way | Today I Learned Nothing
Steve's pranking prowess was constantly held back by the dumb friend. Jason argues that he might have been the dumb friend all along. Also, Gwar is both cool and weird. Finally, trust kids when they give you a new name they want to be called, and have all the fun in the world sticking to that brand of weirdness.
Wanna Have a Good Time? Go To Daddy | Today I Learned Nothing
Jason is ... allergic (?) to something in certain ... kinds of ... meat? Maybe? But he's a MAN, so don't question him. And Steve guarantees he's the fun parent, and he's ALSO a man, so don't question him either, okay? Shout-out to all the daddies out there, lying to keep their status in the family.
The Wet Dream Boob Movie | Today I Learned Nothing
Puberty is tough, especially when you're a late bloomer AND on the basketball team. But what about blooming too much, turning you into a 'Squatch-like? Also, watch that video they show you before middle school, we cannot stress that enough.
Help Me, Stormpuncher | Today I Learned Nothing
After Jason shares some BREAKING NEWS about a Stormy Daniels comic series, we learn about his father, whose heart was broken by a tornado what took his true love away decades ago. That's the story Steve has concocted, anyways. The guys also agree that smart storms are better than shark tornadoes and after they start making fun of the 1996 summer blockbuster, Twister, they realize they really, really love the 1996 summer blockbuster, Twister.
Grits Are Dumb | Today I Learned Nothing
Jason tells Steve about his aversion to costume makeup and why he can never eat in its presence. Steve, once he stops laughing and ridiculing this debilitating disorder, agrees to help him learn more about his unfortunate lot in life. Also, eyes up here, because it's time for daddy's dinner.
The Quarantine Days of Sex Robots | Today I Learned Nothing
Sure, it's the days of the quarantine and we're all stuck indoors together ... but do you know where the children are? Or the family robots? Just something to think about. Also, Steve tells Jason about the talking robot in the Rocky movies, so he has to watch them all immediately. Finally, what would robot farts smell like?
One Hill Tree | Today I Learned Nothing
Steve and his friends were always ready for Goonies-like adventure to strike, putting them in a perfect position to capitalize on the war between the Bloods and the Crips in the woods of rural Idaho. Also, have you ever been as content as a kid in a hole with plywood over his head? Jason believes that yes, he has.
Give Her The Ol' Cannoli, Eh, Dad? | Today I Learned Nothing
Jason explains to Steve why he should be playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons. He then decides to never playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons.
Coast-to-Ghost, USA | Today I Learned Nothing
Steve and his roommate jokingly divided their apartment up until the joke was just on them. Jason shared a bed with his brother until he was old enough to carry his weird sleeping habits to his own room. Together, the guys agree to never speak about Skinwalker Ranch and the dangers the dark presents ever again.
You Bring The Dip, You Get The Stick | Today I Learned Nothing
Have you ever been sad on a trampoline? No, because it's impossible, even if your friend just murdered the family of squirrels you'd lovingly named and geneologized. Also, should we only ever deliver bad news while bouncing to and fro? Steve files his report. Also, local children are snorting Pixie Stix and Fun Dip to get their kicks. Jason has that hard-hitting look at rural American children and the stupid things they do out of boredom. Today I Learned Nothing is on the air!
No Leg To Stand On | Today I Learned Nothing
It's week 6 (7? 8?) of the quarantine and Steve is nearly weeping into cheeseburgers, so yeah, things are going pretty well. Jason's getting takeout via drug mule restrictions and ok, hot shot, can YOU name any other famous Whos?
Settlers Of My Pants | Today I Learned Nothing
Jason recounts the night he thought he came close to accidentally arranging an orgy at his apartment (he didn't). Bored on a New Year's Eve, five people found one another, and discovered that their friend was a much bigger creep than he let on. Steve enjoys playing the Kenickie to Jason's Danny in this one, but also posits that there is more going on in the woods of a small town in America than you realized.
Pepperectum | Today I Learned Nothing
Does the most popular type of pepper look more like a bell or a (couple of) butt(s)? Do you use all the spices in YOUR arsenal? And don't the Oreo folks need to just calm the heck down with all the different versions?
Doing The Wrong Thing | Today I Learned Nothing
Surprising no one but Jason, the only disappointment Jason has faced in the COVID-19 pandemic is thanks to Taco Bell. Meanwhile, Steve thinks the people of Seattle are just using the virus as an excuse to be mean to each other. Also, have teens in YOUR area been licking mailboxes? The guys file their report.
Parrotheads Are Good, Clean People | Today I Learned Nothing
It's the all-porn episode, and it contains not a single ounce of the filthy stuff! But doesn't the word "whores" sound filthy, no matter how you say it? And Jason wants to meet at least one diehard porn fan to see what they're really like. Steve just wants you to stop using your kids and pets as avatars.
Crossbow Proficiencies | Today I Learned Nothing
Practice some social distancing with this episode all about ... THE VIRUS! Steve's been following it long before it was cool, and Jason can't figure out why it makes his wife wanna buy so much danged peanut butter. After the guys move on from current events, they finally nail down which Looney Tune was the worst person.
The Warmth Of Nudity | Today I Learned Nothing
Jason is thrilled that his 2nd grader told him a dirty joke, even if she didn't know any better and it made no sense. Steve assumes that secretions are happening, just, all the time, and it's time to change the sheets. But really, the guys are both just hoping for some quality naked time. Separately. Apart. Not together.
You Do You, Bread Boy | Today I Learned Nothing
Steve's dyslexia earns him a new, lame nickname, the guys lament the fact that Cheetohs could mean any podcast is their last one, and Jason wants to replace those cheesy slideshows at funeral homes with a playlist of his "best" podcast moments. All that, plus Steve's baller grandmother living well and wealthy past her death day!
Yabba Dabba DON'T | Today I Learned Nothing
This episode is basically a BuzzFeed quiz about The Flintstones! Who's more likely to display a mental disability: Fred or Barney? Who's hotter: Wilma or Betty? Did the Flintstones go to church? Why didn't the dinosaurs rise up from their appliance-based existence and eat the cave men and women? The guys answer all these questions and Jason makes us uncomfortable about our favorite cave folk from Bedrock!
Cloacas Are For The Birds | Today I Learned Nothing
Steve is rash and hasty with his hypothetical questions, but Jason humors him and reveals some scandalous opinions about mermaids in the process. Also, are bus marshals a thing? And since the ones on airplanes are called air marshals, would bus ones be land marshals? The guys file their report.
P.S. I'm a Goat | Today I Learned Nothing
It's February, so love is in the air! Steve fondly remembers his potato and pun-fueled proposals as a young boy coming of age in Idaho while Jason recalls when he learned what the word "statutory" means.
The Freudiest Of Slips | Today I Learned Nothing
Steve threatens a good fingering for his whole work group, while both he and Jason agree that the NSFW tag exists for a reason. Also, just what's going through Jason's brain in most moments of the day? Nothing good, we assure you!