WATCHING THIS

CRAZY is keeping a flame for your ex who cheated on you. C'mon fam.

STUPID is letting your babysitter's crush on you ferment. Really dude?

LOVE is not what kept Marissa Tomei working your junk for 45 minutes. Sorry, it's not.

Truthfully, we don't know what it was. All we know, it ends in anger and boiling hatred.

Ah, l'amour! C'est tragique, n'est pas?

You need some motivation? A slight adjustment to your attitude?

No? Oh, what, you don't like the sound of that? 

Don't worry, I know just who to call.

You're in treble now...

EXT. HAWAIIAN RESORT - MOMENTS AFTER DUSK

Moonlight shimmers on still-water horizon. LADIES at the bar giggle. Something one of them whispered about the CUTE BARTENDER. But they all stop laughing when they notice HIM enter.

Those eyes. Those arms. Those... scales? 

He approaches. 

"Evening ladies, I'm Jason Mimosa. You might recognize me as AQUAMAN..."

CUT TO:

INT. BEIJING CONFERENCE ROOM - MIDDAY

The CHINESE BUSINESSMAN closes his presentation to the STOCKHOLDERS. Two WHITE GUYS banned from Hollywood, smiling by his side.

(in Mandarin) "$500Ms in pre-sales, 250 opening weekend. A Billi in a year, cake. People LOVE this shit!"

Let's talk about single mothers... hahaha jk 

But dis bish rite chea? She CRAY-cray. Aaaannnd she's kinda hot. Hmm.

Then I saw this movie, totally changed my outlook on dating, helping strangers, everything. 

The moral is: If you hear a woman crying out in pain, just run for your life... it might be LA LLRONA!!!

As you might have heard in the preview clip, we give Ian fashion advice. But will it help? Will anything?

We also discuss the mating tendencies of the blue whale, pissing on explosions and the dastardly brilliance of one Briton we most humbly toast today hear-ye hear-hear!-- Sir Michael Caine.

Face it: you're sleep if you ain't up on the first woke action movie. 

Perhaps, just perhaps, Steven Segal's crown jewel... ON DEADLY GROUND.

She was pretty basic at first. A nerd, totally forgettable.

Then, you know, a hot guy noticed her. Now she's got self esteem.

Or, wait, I think maybe she had it all along... Ehh, I don't know. 

Either way, check her out now. She's sexy, she's confident, SHE'S ALL THAT!

Meagan Good is looking GREAT. Michael Ealy's hazel gaze is still hypnotizing.  

But Dennis Quaid is on some MAGA ish. That ain't my bag.

He didn't say that, explicitly, no... but I can read between the lines. 

When you buy that perfect house in that perfect neighborhood to live your perfect life, watch out for THE INTRUDERs.

So Patrick Swayze, Kelly Lynch and Sam Elliot walk into a bar.

Bartender goes, "What are you having?"

Gatdamn 'murrica says, "Gimme a shot of whoop-ass, neat!"

A martial-arts expert comes to town to clean up a sleazy bar called the Double-Deuce. You best believe it's gonna be a shit show.... Welcome to the ROADHOUSE.

Led by Fred Durst, but no. It's not Limp Bizkit. Featuring John Travolta, but sorry, it's not Saturday Night Fever.

Or The Fan, The Score, Taxi Driver, Face Off. None of that. 

It's THE FANATIC. And... Ugh I don't know. 

Maybe they did it for the nookie... God, let's hope it was worth it.

You're young, you like to drink. You and your friends like to get high.

What better place to enjoy the good times than the basement dungeon of the scrub your parents used to abuse socially and sexually?

So what are you doing after school? 

Me? I'm gonna go hang out with MA.

He tackles the border. He crushes the wall. 

And he hits two honeys at a time... many times. 

The immortal impresario of BAD ASS, it's Uncle Clint in THE MULE.

....Now get the hell off my lawn you *$%( #&$*#$&^*#!!!!!

I'm reloaded! Okay?

You m*therf*ckers think you big time? You gonna DIE big time!

Just in case you're too young to remember, before Brooklyn's Finest...we did it Carlito's Way.

Here come the pain!

Gorbachev. Putin. Drago. 

Raegan. Trump. Balboa.

RIP to the big homie Creed.

That's life. This is Living. In. A. Mer. I. Ca.

Who's that good-looking guy? That's Chris Pine. *applause*

And that other good-looking guy? That's Tom Hardy. *slightly-louder applause*

Wait, what about that super-hot spunky successful single woman who's stuck in the middle? Oh, her? That's Reese Witherspoon. *ding*

This is her favorite movie. 

Not Reese's, necessarily.

But your girlfriend's for sure.

What's a DC comic book movie that I loved?

Okay, that's not fair. The other guys are pretty marvelous at movie-making.

But still, what's the best part about life on planet Earth?

Watching the Justice League and laughing our asses off.

Uncle Clint. A President worth protecting.

John Malkovich. Out for blood.

Do you remember when you were... In The Line Of Fire?

Alejandro's never seen the movies. Never read the books.

Charee dragged him to the amusement park. Twice.

Now it's time to submit.

Time to be baptized in the mythical aether of... Harry Potter.