What The Het?!

[CW: This episode contains discussion of suicide, incest in the form of a romantic relationship between adopted siblings, as well as a brief mention of animal death. Stay informed and safe y'all!]

Did you miss us? Yes, that's right, it's us, your estranged podcast fathers. We're back in your life because we really want to make amends with you and your siblings, and also because we're broke and got kicked out of our hotel. Let's go to the dog track, and also on a journey of forgiveness, self-discovery, gross relationships between adopted siblings, boat letters, tasteful lesbian erotica, and a simply exorbitant amount of mustard yellow.

Content warning & intro: 00:00-19:35/Film synopsis: 19:35-01:01:35/Queer read: 01:01:35-01:34:35/Outro, and shoutout to Blaise!: 01:34:35-01:40:43

Imagine you're in Edfu, Egypt. It's 2500 BC, and as you're walking along you see your average ancient Egyptian teen. Who comes to mind? If you said Kim Cattrall, you're probably one of the filmmakers of 1987's box office-topping horrorshow, Mannequin. Travel with us on a journey across the ages all the way to fake 80's Philadelphia as we bring life to such hot topics as the worst possible thing you could say in a job interview, how to literally objectify a woman, and the miraculous, magical, curse-breaking power of lesbian attraction in this time-traveling, surprisingly musical episode of WTH?!.

Good golly: is that rad BMX boy a rad BMX GIRL? Lesbian Tuesdays or Sapphic Saturdays? We absolutely refuse to choose. Niko and Alex eat mat hard this week digging into the American classic: Stick It! You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll get docked for having your bra strap showing, you'll overthrow the oppressive gymnastics judging regime, you'll wonder: is Jeff Bridges' tongue really that big? Yes. Yes it is.

[CW: This episode contains extended discussion of a relationship between a legal adult and an underage teenager, as well as of a suggested relationship between a legal adult and otherwise younger child. No details are given beyond what is necessary to establish the discussion, and all instances are either referenced as having occurred previous to the events of the film or suggested by the filmmakers but not enacted in the film itself]

Indiana Jones: dashing treasure hunter, tenured professor, classical hero of American cinema... and the worst human being to ever strap on a whip and a fedora and crash, boulder-like, through the lives of innocents everywhere? Don't look, Marion, (just listen) as Niko and Alex crack open the lid on Indiana's many crimes, exactly what would qualify a snake encounter as upsetting, and the government's best tops. Also, there's a lot of talk about Bee Movie.

[CW: this episode contains extended discussion of drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and stalking. There is also a brief mention of suicidal ideation from 48:30 to 49:30]

Niko and Alex are suffering eternally in a hell of their own design as they try to untangle the wicked web woven by Joel Schumacher in the 1985 Brat Pack "classic", St. Elmo's Fire! Stalking, cheating, marriage pressure, fist fights on a fire escape; with friends like these, who needs enemies? Joel Schumacher hopefully, because he just made two for life.

The year: who knows! The place: France, probably? The problems: matic! It's our most off-the-rails episode yet as Niko and Alex, fresh from their respective viewings of Prince's 1986 directorial debut Under the Cherry Moon, struggle to make sense of what even just happened. Café bats, beachside sex dungeons, and more gender than you can shake a $50,000,000 trust fund at; you'll need a lifetime to wrap your sequined headscarves around this one, folks!

The big surf recital is coming up, and Niko & Alex only have one week to find a sugar daddy- I mean, Billabong sponsor! Join us as we discuss crushing pipes, the importance of friendships outside of dating, and ask each other the all-important question: do you know who's protecting your backside? All this and more in our analysis of 2002's best competitive surfing film based off of a magazine article, Blue Crush!

[CW: sexual assault mention: a scene is discussed where a character in the film attempts to sexually assault another character. The scene in question is discussed from 36:30 to 37:30, and briefly touched upon again from 1:21:00 to 1:22:00]

The film is called Clueless, but we've never seen something so FULL of clues! Sure, Cher and Josh are endgame but what's bubbling just below the surface? Niko and Alex tackle all possibilities this week: who's hashtag-trans-and-thriving in Beverly Hills? Don't we look like two of those Botticelli chicks? Go grab your iced coffee and join these cakeboys in appreciation of Twink Caplan!