You Had Me at Bigfoot

On this episode, newly black Umbrella scientist who somehow facilitates the release of a deadly virus (we still don't know how, though), Tom, and his twin daughter of color, Jerry, establish an account on a human sex trafficking website to fund their efforts to stop human sex trafficking. Tom is dared and subsequently double dared to break the Guinness world record for the number of hard boiled eggs inside of his anus, and Jerry successfully ducks and dodges AIDS-contaminated blood while picking up his Long John Silvers order.

On this episode, champion activist of the #FreeJakeTimbers movement, Tom, and lead creep-catcher on the newest predator confrontation YouTube channel #YHMAGWTTCOFOC (in the Commonwealth), Jerry, begin pre-production of the Back to the Future prequel trilogy's final movie, Revenge of the Biff. Tom receives a text from Hunter Biden encouraging him to get tested for HIV the morning after they shared a crack pipe and prostitute, and Jerry confronts a crying Kevin Smith over his failure to deliver a decent movie since Tusk.

On this episode, murderer who never made it to the cover of a Wheaties box, Tom, and the first person to send a digital drawing of Garfield's penis over the internet, Jerry, are put on the panel to decide who dies when the Earth's population hits 500,000,001, and they recommend Billie Joe Armstrong (who is now on the run from INTERPOL with no safe haven having given up his citizenship to no one's disappointment). Tom is arrested for busting a phat ass freestyle in the Wendy's drive thru, and Jerry is federally indicted for allegedly producing and possessing extremely wicked, shockingly evil and vile crocodile pornography.

On this episode, national park pop-up tent abortion doctor, Tom, and iPhone-retrieving lesbian cop, Jerry, once again hit 700 subs only to drop back down to the high 600s after a joke about what you tell a raccoon with two black eyes. Tom uses his new high-powered telescope to discover an African American hole in a nearby galaxy, and Jerry is chased out of Yellowstone by an African American bear.

On this episode, pog-playing angry girlfriend, mad_hatter182, and stinky rape bus-survivor, ballz_to_the_wall69, create the least watched predator catching channel by using only the worst and most hated strategies from more successful channels. Tom solicits sex with Robux and a $19 Fortnite card, and Jerry assumes his new hitman identity, Submachine Gun the Murderer, and demands that "everyone chill," "chill out," and "cool off."

On this episode, two-tour in Iraq veteran assistant manager of Dunkin Donuts, Tom, and Lageanx0👍🏽 Build-A-Bear Workshop animal stuffer, Jerry, put on a show at the Canadian border before a slew of federal agents from both countries (to be released via FOIA request in transcript format at a later date). Tom lobbies his state representative to draft legislation that bans mixer kids for those under 21 and outlaws black husbands, and Jerry heads to the west coast town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania with his all-female pro-wrestling acapella-group.

On this episode, wig-wearing slow cop who was only days from retiring, Tom, and the first player to ever score 10 points, 10 assists and 10 rebounds in a single game of wheelchair basketball (the cripple double), Jerry, cheer on their favorite high school basketball player, Jake Timbers, of the Little Eastern Ottoman Beaver Slayers. Tom protests and riots over the loss of his pick in the primary election of the County Commissioner, and Jerry wonders why there are no retirement ceremonies for black or mentally handicapped Jedi.

On this episode, hundredaire philanthropist, Tom, and micro-yacht owner, Jerry, are joined by the only man who remembers both of the theme songs for Full House and Family Matters, Dave Outlandish. Tom converts all his yacht rocks to pop rocks at a rate of 1:0.1 (which is pretty good given the current economic crisis), while Jerry and Dave make direct eye contact during an extended ball-thigh slapping sesh.

On this episode, psycho female blowin' up the phone line, Tom, and sexy, sexy pretty little thing, Jerry, bring their grandfathers back to life in order to explain birthing persons only to get their asses beat by the ghoulish patriarchs. Tom patents the first bi-level, see-through toilet funnel which confuses and frightens potential homebuyers, and Jerry learns the hard way that Fetusberry Crunch's pronouns are just a series of violent assaults.

On this episode, upper middle class in the Midwest but below the poverty line anywhere else, Tom Hoffman, and the scrotum skin graft plastic surgeon to the stars, Jerry Leibermann, hop onto the #metoo trend (five years too late) as they overexaggerate how deeply they were penetrated by wolf-whistling construction workers in the mid 1990s. Tom catches COVID for the third time, he dies, his corpse just explodes for no reason, his soul is condemned to hell for all of eternity but is thankful he was double jabbed and double boosted (it could have been much worse if he wasn't), and Jerry creates a new category on his egirl Twitch channel: ASMR Basement Noises.

On this episode, sporting a curved brim Yankee ballcap with the tag still on it, Thomas Marshall, and showing off his gold tooth in the mirror while he uses his cordless water flosser, Jerry Albert, are shut down by the government, Microsoft, YouTube, and the U.N. for talking about a certain someone's something that cannot be discussed. Tom tops himself off on ketamine and starts sniffing bloody onesies in the evidence locker to see if he can use his psychic powers to solve cold cases, and cis white male Jerry accuses the creators of The Batman of being somehow both woke progressives and anti-Semites simultaneously.

On this episode, office manager of the Hoffman, Abrams & Chocula law firm, Tom, and child porn conversion data analyst, Jerry, cross the southern border dressed in bird costumes with $43B in horse semen and a license plate that reads PRTY GIRL. Tom ends up in the emergency room after getting his penis stuck in the game board during an innocent game of Operation, and Jerry turns the university student housing into a university student home in an effort to traffic humans for sex.

On this episode, host of the white people World Star equivalent, America's Funniest Home Videos, Tom, and producer of its sister program, Kids Say the Darndest Things, Jerry, get their booger-pickers on the Infinity Gauntlet and vow to reduce Earth's population from 8B to 1B without doing a flagrant racism. Tom pours himself a delicious floor cleaner and Coke cocktail (what Mike would call the Manitoba Sunrise), and Jerry puts those who would reboot his childhood favorites on notice.

On this episode, master sensei in the art of Orange-Tang-Drink, Tom, and leader of an online-predator-catching non-profit organization with an embarrassing name, Jerry, cash in on their witchcraft 401k accounts after giving up the lifestyle entirely. Tom dies in a tragic cancer accident, and Jerry tells the story of how his life was unaffected by the presence of a ghost in his childhood home.

On this episode, scummy 1970s dolphin porn producer, Tom, and crippled defender of the integrity of extreme water aerobics in the deep end, Jerry, sign up for a very real wizard organization through an application completed on their phone, a 50 euro fee paid through PayPal, and a Real World/Road Rules-style video interview about their interest in magic and the occult (sent to a Gmail account). Tom is asked to leave the rape-inarium so the maintenance crew can clean up, and Jerry goes to the U.S. Virgin Islands, but comes back a man.  

You Had Me at Bigfoot: Well, now you know, cuz you know.

On this episode, LAPD cop who came out to the coast to have a few laughs, Tom, and the 30-year veteran NYPD police lieutenant with a bad f*&$ing headache, Jerry, quietly change the milestones for alien child development so their pursuit for humanity in the dark universe will be significantly stunted. Tom is dishonorably discharged from the military for failing to honor their don't ask, don't tell cancer policy, and Jerry serenades his wife-to-be by holding a boombox playing rape noises over his head in her parents' front yard.

On this episode, smelly hotel room corpse with infected post-mortem wounds, Tom, and the persistent room service attendant about to make a terrible discovery, Jerry, consider the possibility that our modern civilization is merely a glob of jizz flying through the glory holes of time and space. Tom tries out the new fad diet of eating a box of Chinese takeout and a tub of ginger ice cream while sitting on the toilet, and Jerry launches his comprehensively panned dot-com, Teeth4Cash.

On this episode, sombrero-sized yarmulke-wearing Jewish Mexican, Tom, and yarmulke-sized sombrero-wearing Mexican Jew, Jerry, clap chalk board erasers together instead of doing the math required to answer the Drake Equation and resolve the Fermi Paradox. Tom sets boobs, butt, toes, belly, soul and pulse to 0 on his ideal girl character creation screen so he can have a cadaver with super nice hair, and Jerry tries to find a way to gracefully leave a two hour discussion about the DMV with his dead great grandfather's ghost.

On this episode, gaffer on the set of Bernie Sanders and the City of a Thousand Planets, Tom, and foley artist for Bernie Sanders and the Legend of the Ten Rings, Jerry, dust off their badges and head to the Siberian mountains in search of clues regarding the mysterious 1993 deaths of hikers on "Friday." Tom regrets eating so much popcorn before rushing volatile chemicals in fragile containers down the mountain, and Jerry mails 146,000,000 letters in an attempt to sell his 2000 Honda Accord on Klauslist.

On this episode, terrible knife marksman, Tom, and flaming fat girl in a leathery pig costume, Jerry, dive into the Betaverse, Christmas tree dicks first, to vandalize the digital Planned Parenthood clinics lining the streets of augmented and virtual reality. Tom updates his Plenty of Fish profile by adding trickery, attacking people, and warning people to his hobbies, and Jerry simps for a big-tittied goth girl by killing half of the universe when doubling the resources would have made more sense (and he totally got laid).

On this episode, zombified vampire with a hankering for undead brains and/or blood, Tom, and vampiric zombie thirsty for reanimated blood and/or brains, Jerry, set out to prove, or maybe disprove, the existence of America's sweethearts: the dinosaurs. Tom doesn't just play someone divine on television, he's a real life theologian, and Jerry whips out the end of a luge tube at 100 MPH, dead or alive.

On this episode, Yellowstone Bully Project advocate, Tom, and the out-of-work chlorine tablet stocker at your local pool store, Jerry, conclude their Oh, Hell No miniseries with a 3-hour-long cursed show about magical homosexuals. Tom successfully breastfeeds his adopted lovechild without collapsing the U.S. economy, and Jerry tips his tin foil fedora, unsheathes his tin foil katana, and tin foil teleports behind you. Nothing personal, kid, but while you tin foil partied, he studied the tin foil blade.

On this episode, universally hated abortion doctor who refuses to get the COVID-19 vaccination, Tom, and influenza vaccine developer with an average efficacy rate of 35%, Jerry, seek out the goat man to get the truth about who really killed young Savanna Bright. Tom sends a template email with no personalization to the Pope Lick Monster in an effort to hire him for a voice acting position in an upcoming project for Nickelodeon, and Jerry breaks his decades-long silence on the topic of Jock Jams in an angrily written Vice article entitled "The 100+ Worst Jock Jams Songs Ever."

On this episode, tight-lipped custodian of the underground sex tunnels, Tom, and orgy host-for-hire (call for a free quote on your next car wash or airport orgy), Jerry, apologize directly to a disappointed and disgusted Satan for how out of hand things got in the human trafficking cult they established in his honor. Tom delivers on his promise to explain the entire Satanic Panic of the 1980s and 1990s in less than one minute (1:15), and Jerry pitches a coming-of-age drama in which Elliot Page plays both the concerned high school teacher and his troubled student using green screen technology.

On this episode, charge nurse of the bad baby NICU, Tom, and elderly witch doctor who, after a lifetime of sacrificing humans, now campaigns against human sacrifice, Jerry, shove the animal bones over in their sensory deprivation grave holes and drop in for their cult initiation. Tom wonders if Lana Wachowski's film-making talent was stored in his severed and discarded genitals, and forensics expert Jerry struggles to collect any AIDS-tainted evidence in the windy desert wasteland crime scenes of Africa.

On this episode, gay Satanist cowboy who finally feels recognized by the music industry, Tom, and blackface Shirley Temple fan club president, Jerry, fire up their Walkmans and sing along to their favorite devil-worshiping doo-wop and country-rap albums. Tom accidentally kidnaps a teenager from another universe while wandering the dimensional rift in Switzerland, and Jerry dons his five o'clock shadow furry costume before heading out into the post-apocalyptic wasteland.

On this episode, gold medal recipient in the 0k Honor Run, Violent Tom, and self-proclaimed wendingo expert who specializes in cryptid asshattery, Jerry 2 Dope, purchase one-way tickets to Dallas or Austin or Houston to attend a human sacrifice by their favorite SoundCloud rapper. Tom cuts the ribbon on the John McCain Memorial Post-Mortem Prisoner of War Camp for Losers, and Jerry recounts his experiences as a background plumber in music videos.

On this episode, twice orphaned host of a paranormal podcast, Tom, and the College of Cardinals post-general congregations newly appointed co-host, Jerry (of YHMA-Skippy and YHMA-Vax, Jab & Fauci), celebrate the 100th episode of You Had Me at Bigfoot with the first ever game of "Yemen's Well of Barhout or Artificial Neovaginal Reconstruction." Tom warns everyone to stay out of his arms' reach, and Jerry goes looking for a good f*&%ing but only finds himself a wood duckling.

On this episode, executive producer of Venom 2 who demands gayer content, Tom, and big time stud who always makes out with a girl you don't know (because she goes to a different school), V, cannon ball into the spirit realm to discuss the ghosts from the game Phasmophobia. Tom takes a new soldier for a ride in the fat lane (never to be seen again), and V demands equality for women, but only so he can hit women and cut in front of them in line at the store.

On this episode, LGBTPZ4QQQ and the Batman symbol ally, Tom (Black Summoning of Death/Sempiternal Tragedy of Winter Funeral), and friend to the LGBTPRSTLNE💩 community, V (Transformer/Decepticon), return to the beat as swingin' dicks hot on Prince Philip's, AKA the Dracula of Edinburgh's, trail. Tom comes across the naked, exposed buttocks of the relatively recently deceased People's Princess and wonders if he should or not, and V vows to defeat Princess Diana's body guard, Trevor Rees-Jones (peace be upon him) in bo staff combat.

On this episode, turbo white trash sunglasses aficionado, Tom, and vengeful dishwasher/landscaper for the totally not racist Miller gubernatorial administration, V, draft an award-winning choose your own suicide adventure note in which, after a couple of pages of reading, the reader faces two or three options, each of which leads to more options, and then to one of many endings (including coloring pages and pop-up imagery throughout). Tom is rebranded a furtive fallacist, but purposely spells it "phallicist" for some reason, and V becomes incredibly suspicious of all the train-related deaths among associates of known murderer and former president William Jefferson Clinton.

On this episode, shallow grave-digging serial killer, Tom, and 9/11 Airlines pilot, V, tell you the ONE thing you can do to get your ass whipped by an aging astronaut. Tom is nominated to be the face used on the newly minted Gay Dollar, and V witnesses a marvelous, shining light cast upon his VR headset indicating he needs to go masturbate.

On this episode, closed circuit camera companies hate them: grieving father about to speak on the news but just heard a really funny dead baby joke, Tom, and elderly actor who was either feeding his cats, leaving for the diner, looking out his window, or returning from a walk when tragedy struck, V, show you how to move 600 bodies by a multimillion dollar security system in broad daylight with one simple trick! Tom snuggles Adam Lanza to completion (whatever that means), and V tells random women at the grocery store that they sat in strawberry jam so he can have their spot in line.

On this episode, sexy reverse pedophile with a bowl cut and drop fade in the mid-90s, Tom, and murder-frack-drill oil hoarder on a quest to strip the earth of her natural resources, V, hose down all the sex robots and cut the ribbons on their newly constructed Gynoid Red Light Districts. Tom appoints loveable rascal Alex Jones to the State Department, and V demands action in response to the gay bee epidemic.

On this episode, vax-curious candidate for president, Tom, and his vaxophobic campaign manager, V, promise to take flight in the newly renamed presidential air craft, the Danger Zone One, and break every rule in the Nuremberg Code during the first 100 days of the Millalobos Administration. Tom forces all the dead people in government to finally retire, and V scours the federal law and accounting books, as well as all the applicable constitutional documents, in an effort to find any loophole that might screw congress out of their paychecks.

On this episode, clumsy Chernobyl reactor engineer, Tom, and mediocre bridge construction contractor who lost his dog through no fault of his own, V, wander the West Virginia countryside looking for impending apocalyptic events to foretell. Tom solves the national budget crisis merely by charging a "very fair" $5 ticket price at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C., and V conducts on-the-job training for the new human resources coordinator John Mothman.

On this episode, big-dicked, muscular and unshaven Sailor Moon, Tom, and the gold chain and fur coat-wearing Crystal Gem pimp Stephen Universe, V, reboot Cartoon Network's late 90's flagship animated series as the Powerbuff Boys in order to swing the pendulum back on the hardcore gay-ening occurring in modern television and film. Tom flexes and overextends his N-word pass with his new found 1/30th black ancestry, and V gives the most favorable review of Captain Marvel by saying, "That movie, in fact, sucks dick."

On this episode, newly club-footed sheriff's deputy, Tom, and what is obviously the charred remains of a ruined pegasus stuffed animal, V, are joined by the manifestation of a disembodied whinny from the ghost riders in the sky, Moondog, for five terrifying and titillating tales of torture, tribulation, and trepidation. Tom stands before the horse devil for unforgiven equestrian sins, V is awarded the bronze medal in the cloven hoof long jump, and Moondog returns home to find his parents surrounded by police, a Batsquatch, and some older kids, all demanding answers.

On this episode, Congressman Crenshaw's prosthetic ribbon fashion designer, Tom, and the handicapped, gun-slinging governor of post-alien invasion Texas, V, develop a plan to turn the tables on the alien menaces...menaci...menaseeses with the help of their faithful running crew in the livestream chat. Tom gets caught watching Lady Dimitrescu porn while manning the operations tent on team Tent Tent Tent 6, V needs Soldiers, he doesn't need anybody else but SOLDIERS on team Smegma Force 6, and Mattsquatch shows up to put nukes to asses on the demo squad Squirrel Team 6.

On this episode, squishy-faced Super Bowl halftime show performer/Sri Lankan sweatshop clothing line manager, Tom, and belly-stabbing former crack dealer/funny-looking jet ski rider, V, make circumstantial, but absolutely plausible, accusations about our nation's royalty in the film industry. Tom confesses his unconditional support for the light whereof hath kindled heavenly fire, Hunter Biden, and V marvels at wondrous sight of the celestial hue surrounding Keanu Reeves.

On this episode, gibbering, pot-bellied, buck-toothed pervert, Tom, and unique grotesquerie squeezed into a skintight rabbit suit, V, go on a schizophrenic rampage at the Planned Parenthood clinic when their abortion isn't delivered in 30 minutes or less. Tom is awarded taxpayer money for his paper entitled "Glaciers, gender, and science: A feminist glaciology framework for global environmental change research," and V conquers the world to lower the cost of cell phone batteries.

On this episode, inventor of the rapid dissolve stamp adhesive, Tom, and Bill Gates' breast augmentation reconstructive surgeon, V, are joined by four-time disgraced dildo company CEO, Jerry (last heard on the forbidden You Had Me at Skippy episode), as they rain on the TikTok nurse parade and tear down the champions of the COVID-19 vaccination efforts. Tom graduates magna cum laude from University of Phoenix online, V goes to his doctor regarding a sharp side in his pain after visiting a vaccination clinic behind the Walgreens in St. Louis, and Jerry defies the odds by dying of COVID after surviving heart disease, cancer, chronic lower respiratory disease, suicide, opioid overdose, and drowning.

On this episode, Chinese farmer and bigfoot hair stylist, Tom, and grand hedonist who will do anything for love (but he won't do that), V, wake up in a bathtub full of ice with no kidneys after following a convincing conman who promised the ability to travel the universe using magic. Tom wanders the halls of a nervous hospital looking for answers to the the great theological questions of our time, and V takes up his cross for the furry community in order to ensure their eternal salvation.

In the epic conclusion of the M Files Series, 6'4" Vice President with an axe to grind, Tom, and mob-associated musician who lost his best bud, V, brush the brains off the trunk and hop into their Lincoln Continental for a cruise through 1963 Dealey Plaza. Tom questions the integrity of coroners, medical examiners, and morticians alike, while V confesses that he might be a Lee Harvey Oswald apologist.

Continuing the M Files Series after several weeks of being sidetracked, Russian electromagnetism physicist of the KGB, Tom, and the rainbow coat-wearing vizier to the pharaoh, V, utilize the scientific method of asking whether or not the majesty of the pyramids strike wonder in their hearts while considering the origins and purposes of the ancient structures around the world. Tom stands up for the misunderstood billionaires and tyrannical world leaders of our time, and V becomes a pyramid consultant and coach using the multilevel marketing business models of Scentsy, Mary Kay, and Beachbody.

On this episode, 20-year-old aspiring rapper and bad driver, Tom, and the lady cop who can't tell the difference between a taser and a gun, V, are defeated once again by their arch nemesis, King Kracker, and are forced to offer up their official positions on aliens, angels, demons and the afterlife. Tom freely gives up his eternal reward to just about anyone he knows and cares about, and V demands parley with the manager of the universe.

On this episode, mark of the beast dodging doublethinker, Tom, and social humanoid robot developed by Hong Kong-based company Hanson Robotics, V, blow off the episode topic for another week so they can downplay the accomplishments of mankind and answer life's greatest ethical questions. Tom justifies his cognitive dissonance regarding the objective value of human life, and V is asked to splice human and animal DNA on this the day of his daughter's wedding.

On this episode, simp-shaming racist, Tom, and midget rape apologist, V, get taken down by their FBI bro for failing to address him in the chat. Tom tells his own version of the Aristocrats joke, and V lays down the law on full body manscaping.

On the second episode of The M Files series, fully conscious and frozen in time severed head, Tom, and the capitated, immortal Canadian swordsman, V, key the words "the moon rulez #1" into the walls of sacred areas in the Nahanni Valley just to cheese the indigenous, head-hunting Dene people off. Tom receives some life-changing news about his substantial limitations in mental functioning, and V is forced to present a $750,000 check to a children's hospital in exchange for construction of a controversial new memorial wing.

On the first episode of The M Files series, Atlantean testament to the arrogance of man, Tom, and fifth-hand gossip-spreading Athenian, V, find favor with the gods and resurface the lost city of Atlantis as a goof. Tom eliminates all African representation in the Disney princess universe, and V eats a bunch of mushrooms before stomping on turtles.