Your Amazing Life!

I want to thank all my listeners! Each one of you whether you listened to 1 podcast or 245.  You mean a lot to me. I hope this podcast blessed your life!

So, what does it take to become a Jedi? You have a specific story that only you can share with and change the world. How do you get your story out there? You are unique. There is something different about each of you. If you are in your power “resistance is futile” But if you are not there, how do you get there? How do you get your story out there? What is it you are here to share with the world?

We have Beth Crosby who says “Your story is your strength” she is a writing coach who helps entrepreneurial women comfortably write about what makes them the ideal fit for their clients.  Now, Beth joins me today to discuss the difficulties, blessings, and gratitude that kidney failure presented to her. From the smaller stories that comprise her life story, she learned to be grateful for the blessings of dialysis and 2 kidney transplants. Welcome, Beth, in one of your posts on LinkedIn you said “We become who we are because of experience” So what experience had a large part to play in you becoming who you are?

Beth: Probably the biggest influence or experience, when I was a child, was my fathers’ mom. She lived across the street from us and she retired from her nursing job right after I was born. She kept me and taught me grammar and to love to read. She is the one that got me through third-grade multiplication tables. But the experience of having a grandparent… My grandfather died when I was young. So, the experience of having a grandparent who had the understanding of the importance of education but also the importance of getting outside and playing in the sunshine really was critical in developing who I became.

Ken: Okay Now, you help women to write and share their stories. What is the importance of our stories?

Beth: They show who we are and help us to get to know each other better. So, a quick example of that would be; I have a motorcycle, my dad had a Harley Davidson, my uncles had Harley-Davidsons. I was three I had the smallest helmet and so I rode on Harley-Davidsons with them. I always wanted a Harley cuz I thought I was just one of the guys. That helps me to relate to men. I was in a networking group and I meet a guy and we started talking about motorcycles. I don’t remember if he had on a motorcycle shirt or what. Another gentleman I knew passed by and I said “hey come here” you need to meet so and so. He rides Harleys too. So, I had two or three sentences of conversation with them and then I left them to talk and I left the conversation. So even when we are networking for business those stories are what help us relate.

Listen to the rest of the podcast to find out what blessings came from it. Beth also talks about how only when we accept our past and take hold of our experience do, we claim our power.

What is the best way for folks to connect with you?

BethACrosby.com
LinkedIn.com/in/bethcrosby
Beth@BethACrosby.com

There is the story of a man with a very stubborn mule who needed to get the mule to move. The mule was content to be where he was and didn’t want to put n the effort to walk and pull the man’s cart. So, they sat there, neither got what they wanted. But then the man had an idea. He went a got a long stick string and a favorite treat of the mule. He tied the carrot to the stick and dangled it out just in front of the mule. The mule moved to get to the carrot. There are many carrots in my life, and if you look closely, you will find them in your life also. Maybe you get them from work where if you hit a certain number, you get a bonus, party, or meal. The number could be for many things number of days without injuries, the number of sales. In fact, getting a job is a carrot and stick. You met this person they offered you cash if you would come in and do certain things and be present between certain hours and on certain days. This is a viable way of changing behavior. It has been around forever because it works to a certain extent.

But there are a few requirements to get it to work, the carrot has to be something that means enough to the person for them to do it. If your boss said they wanted you to come in and work and you would be paid $1.00 that probably would not motivate you to come in. If you told your child, you wanted them to spend an hour in the sun weeding for that popsicle, they might not do it. Everyone who has a job and gets paid for it likes this type of motivation. Money is used as a carrot so often that it can be overdone right. Money is an easy thing to come up with and it motivates so many people. In fact, it is usually about what number of bills motivates them, not a question of will they be motivated by it.

So, I hope we now agree, you are motivated by money. You show up at a business listen to what others want, produce what they asked, and then you receive nothing more than a few sheets of high-quality paper with some ink on it, for doing so. If you do a good job then they dangle the possibility in front of you that they will give you more sheets of paper. Maybe they will give you more responsibility and work and then you get more sheets of paper.

Ken: We have Dr. Tracey Jones who is an author, speaker, veteran, publisher, podcaster, and international leadership expert, who currently serves as President of Tremendous Leadership. She is a graduate of the United States Air Force Academy, a decorated veteran who served in the First Gulf War and Bosnian War. Tracey is the author of ten titles, one of them the book SPARK: was an Amazon #1 new release. Now, Tracy, you have been reading personal development books most of your life. What kind of difference do you think that made in your life?

Tracy: It made all the difference in the world can and I have to tell you I joked that my father was up a “book a-holic” and a he was a book pusher. Flunked out of school in the 8th grade. Mother left him, abuse, came out of the depression era born in the South. Everything was against my father, but Charlie Tremendous Jones famously said, this when I was a young girl, “That you're going to be the same person that you are today from 5 years ago except for two things the people you meet and the books you read. He was the living embodiment of that. So, I tell people I read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” before the “Poky Little Puppy” He was very much, you're going to read, you're going to read good content, and you're going to fill your brain with great stuff. Cause trash in, trash out; good in and good out.

Many of you have or will go through a divorce. How did that affect your life? How did it affect your confidence? So I was once told; you should only get divorced when the pain of being together is greater than the pain of divorce. There will be pain either way. I know a lot of my listeners have had to deal with this. Many of the people I coach have also. Some of them have deal with abusive spouses. Some have been gaslighted, treated with verbal and physical abuse, others have been in toxic relationships. Each of them got to the point the pain of being together was greater than the pain of getting divorced. Every one of you that has been through, or have at some point been thinking about divorce has some reasons for it right? How does thinking about divorce leave you feeling? Do you feel like you are a failure or broken? Maybe you feel triumphant or released of a burden. What about feeling some guilt? There are many things you can feel and all of them are correct. But it is important to process each of those emotions. If you don’t move past those it is likely to become an issue for you again.

Many of you may be looking to survive the divorce. You just want past the feelings of anger, hurt, confusion, depression, and pain, right? At some point, you had positive feelings for this other person you even said you loved them, right? So, there will be a loss that you will go through. Maybe the divorce was last month maybe it was 10 years ago. It is still possible that you look back fondly on the marriage or maybe feel regret. There were both good and bad times in the marriage, right? It is normal to remember both of those at different times. It is best to take adequate time and be honest, reflect on your feelings, process those emotions. This can be done by talking with someone that can help you walk through what you are experiencing. Walking through this with you can make a huge difference in your life and prepare you for a much better life and relationship going forward. Maybe you have developed new structures. Hopefully, you have looked over the feelings and done the soul searching to find out what is important to you. I talked with a friend and we were looking over the list that they had created on what the ideal relationship would look like. What was important to them. That is making a huge difference in their lives and helping them through the divorce.

So, how do you make it through all these emotions? First, know that there are 6 emotional stages that you will most likely go through.

1. Denial
2. Shock
3. Roller-coaster
4. Bargaining
5. Letting go
6. Acceptance

Some people move from one relationship to the next and find themselves in a similar situation each time. The players change but the rules stay the same. This is because they didn’t do the self-work so that they could move to a healthier relationship.

In case you are not sure there is life after divorce. You can have more than you dreamed of and have the life you wanted. All of this is possible. You can make these changes by asking these questions of yourself, to figure out what you want. Knowing and loving yourself is key to any happy healthy relationship. You must first have a quality relationship with yourself. I can help you with tools and tricks to learn about and develop a greater love for yourself.

Ken: Jason Holzer is a certified teacher and thought coach, accomplished basketball coach, and elite skills trainer. He is also an Amazon Best Selling author, post-Traumatic growth storyteller, and the Co-Founder of 4D Athletes. Welcome, Jason.

Jason: Howdy Ken thanks for having me on the show today. I appreciate it.

Ken: You're welcome. All right so how did you come to write the book? How did it come into being?

Jason: Well, you know I did basketball camps for a long time. So, I traveled across the US. I went to a lot of places some were small enough to drive through. I was driving to eastern Ohio, almost like the border of Pennsylvania. I like to drive without any radio on sometimes just in pure silence. I have two kids I’m a teacher, so there is always a lot of noise. So sometimes it is just nice to be where there is nothing going on. I’m a man of faith and I believe in spirituality. As I was in that quiet place and just being. The word “write” came into my mind. I was unsure of how to process that. I got home and that thought kept nagging at me “write” I was like “huh, Okay.” I told my wife, “I think I’m supposed to write a book.” She was like “you are? about what?” I think God is asking me to write a book about losing my dad to suicide. My wife said really do you know how to do that? I told her I had no clue. I went to college to become a physical education teacher. I work in sports. Nothing in my degree says creative writing or anything like that. A long story short about 18 months later, I ended up; I wrote a book about my story of losing my dad to suicide when I was 17 years old. but I didn't want to just be that, of the loss, I wanted to be a crescendo of, hey how do I get over being left behind. You can still have a great life despite what happened to you.

Ken: Okay so tell us more about the book

Jason: Yeah, sure it’s a first-person narrative of what I went through. So that when you read it you feel like you are in my shoes. Everybody processes grief and loss differently. but I wanted to give people an experience of what I personally went through. Knowing that hopefully, people will feel similar things. Everyone’s experiences will be different but sometimes emotions can be relatable. That was my goal. But then the second part of that I talked about things like self-love, things like building great habits, Things like forgiveness, and how to heal yourself. how would I heal myself from the trauma in order to find my identity? So that I could find my vision in order to let go of these negative emotions of anger, resentment, these were things that I harbored inside. To be able to move on. To learn how to get past some of the most difficult times in your life. To see a positive, optimistic future and believe that things will get better. I will be able to smile again, there is a rainbow at the end of the storm. So, the second part of that is the healing piece of it.

Listen to the podcast to hear the whole interview.

Václav Havel played a major role in the Velvet Revolution, which was a non-violent transition from the Communist Party of Czechoslovakia to a parliamentary republic. He had a philosophy that included things like anti-consumerism, humanitarianism, and environmentalism. What if we could follow in his footsteps and create changes without violence. What if our philosophy included anti-consumerism, humanitarianism, and environmentalism? How many of us can create change within ourselves without violence? I know I have been caught up in what I want to buy next. How is it that these play in our lives?  What is the importance of each?

What part does consumption play in our lives? I mean for a few people it is out of control that is why there are shows about hoarders, right? But what about the rest of us? Well let’s look at the definition of consuming; Absorbing, devouring, eating up, depleting. Everything that we buy has many costs associated with them. The opportunity cost. The cost of buying it, as well as the cost of getting rid of it and many others. But marketing has been able to use our minds against us. Turning tools that were created to build the human race and instead of using these tools to get us to buy things we don’t need.

Next, humanitarianism; here is an idea whose time has come. It is past time that we started treating each other as Brothers and Sisters. We need to value the life of each and every person despite our differences. Treat others with benevolence and provide assistance. The price that we will be paid for this will be large enough to change this world. We would provide food for those with none, provide aid to those in need. Can you imagine a world where the majority of us acted like; Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, or Oskar Schindler. What could we provide? What would this world looked like if everyone’s needs were meet?

What is the importance of environmentalism? Well, I am defining environmentalism as concern about the earth and taking action aimed at protecting it. Now we can have disagreements about how to protect this earth and that is okay. It doesn’t matter that we agree on how to protect the earth just that we all work towards that end. Today we take loans out on the environment. Loans that we will be paying interest on for the next few generations. That can only go on for so long. At some point, the interest we pay will outweigh the ability to produce.

We as fellow travelers on this earth are here and we are in this together. We are supposed to work together to make this experience move forward together. We only have this one Earth and even when we move to the stars this is still our home and it is part of us and needs care. Working together we can reduce the footprint we make and move out the survivability rate of this planet farther. We can and must work as a team. We must work for the same things and see ourselves as one. We must become one race the Human race. We must work from that viewpoint to make the changes in the world that will provide for generations.

Each of you has the power and ability to make a huge change in this world. Each of you can make a difference. Each of our communities needs someone to reach out and make a difference. As we make a difference in our neighborhoods, our neighborhoods will make a difference in our cities, as our cities change, they will change our states. This will work out until we change the world.

Christopher Salem: He was given a year and a half to live. He ended up dying 4 months into his diagnosis. I remember the day before he died. I remember him looking over at me and he couldn't talk but his eyes were somewhat open. It was like he wasn't really there. But yet in a way, he was it was just in a different way. It was like him communicating to me saying listen. I apologize I wasn't the dad that you were looking for or expected. I did my best; I could only give what I knew.  

Jacquelyn Phillips: The most painful was having to become clean. I was really good at lying and you can only lie for so long, eventually, you get caught up in it. So, breaking the habit of lying and not embellishing that was really hard to do. As far as the most uncomfortable it was falling in love with myself. Because for the longest time it felt really hokey. I would say “I love myself” but that just sounds really dumb. But you have to! You have to love the person that you are. Because if you, don't you can't love anything else fully because you are holding back. Life is much more freeing if you have love in your heart!

Kim Knavel: It's... I used to not think there was anything I could do about the way I felt. I would get depressed, sometimes it was situational sometimes it wasn't. I do have clinical depression also and when it was situational... I couldn’t make it go away, when it was just because I was depressed, I couldn't make it go away. I always felt like everything else was controlling me. The people around me, my emotions, everything. I like not... I like not being controlled. I like being able to say “I can sit with you for a few days and I can look at these depressive feelings and I can see where they're coming from.” I don't have to judge them and they can make me sad for a minute but I'm not going to be buried in them.

Rich Cardone: I believe work-life balance is a complete myth. I believe it the state of mind because you can't achieve it. It is not a destination, you can achieve, it's just a state of mind. you either feel bad that you're giving work your all; or that when you're with your family you're giving your family our all, or whatever that may be. But it is not something that you can achieve, so you know the key to having an amazing life is balance.

Isabel Chiara: Number one would to really look at your life as it happened for you! Anything that happened in your life happened because we all have those stories that are sitting in our brain just keeps going over them. Maybe it was what we consider a failure, it could have been the worst thing that ever happened to us. But it happened so there is something about that thing that happened. Maybe it happened to move us in another direction. I always think that life happening for me right now. The second part of that is, that we don't know the rest of the story, right?

Justin Springer: We always, as hard times come, we feel like we must be going the wrong way you know. I know we talked about a lot, I'm sure you do with mindset, With like “flow states” and all that stuff. That could be another discussion, but what I think is sometimes the hardship is we need to embrace a little bit more.

We have Dr. Pat Boulogne: she is a Coach, Physician, Speaker, and Visionary. She is the author of “Why are you sick, fat, and tired: find out now.” And the CEO: “health team network.” I am so excited to have Dr. Pat with me today.

DR. Pat:

Thanks, I love being here, I am fired up and ready to go.

Ken:

In your book, you quoted a recent statistic that indicated in 2030, we will see approximately 50% of our population stricken with a chronic illness. WOW, so your bestselling book is about what we can do right? Tell me about that and the title?

DR. Pat

First, that statistic came out before the pandemic. The pandemic just signified wow we have a lot of sick people and we don’t even know it.  That stat is real it could even be pushed up a couple of years because of this last year and a half. Think about it a lot of people didn’t know they were sick or how they felt and the such. But you didn't ask me about that exactly you asked me about my book. My book is called “Why are you Sick Fat and Tired.” I had a businesswoman in one of my groups, and she told me I’m not sick I’m not fat, and I’m not tired. I said oh contraire.  I said because… What the book does, is this book is an advocating tool, a guidebook, and a tool to use to find out what's going on in your health snapshot now. So, it asks about 11 different organ systems, and your body, now these 11 organ systems fit together like a Swiss watch. So, if the Swiss Watch piece is broken, something else is going to break someplace else. If it's starting to slow down because it is starting to wear out, something else is going to happen someplace else. They all interrelate with each other. There is not a process that doesn’t require time. Now when you're looking at how things are connected just keep thinking about the spiderweb. Each is just one piece of a much larger puzzle. Think about it shooting out and connecting to everything so that it all pieces together. We can use the book to find the weakest and strongest links. The weakest link will be your highest scores and the strengths will be your lowest because you have to have something working for you. Because eventually what happens in that scenario is that the organ system keeps on getting taxed so that it gets taxed to a point where it starts affecting your immune system. 

Listen to the podcast to hear more about

What's going on with mindset and mental health these days?

What's the link between diet, lifestyle, and environment?

What are 5 lifestyle solutions anyone can do to improve their health immediately?

If there were only three ideas that you leave for this world and your posterity, what 3 ideas would you leave for them that could lead them to have an amazing life?

What is the best way for folks to connect with you, Dr. Pat?

https://youramazing--askdrpat.thrivecart.com/motivational-bio-hacks-webinar/

We have Isabel Chiara, creator of “The Life Actualization Process,” She is a guide, mentor, and leader, studying and working in transformational energy modalities, Isabel activates unlimited potential and empowerment for her clients, helping them to ignite their full passion and align with their most authentic life path, by eradicating constricting beliefs, definitions, and self-limitations.  She is the author of a new book “Eat Your Words” Welcome to the Show Isabel

Isabel:

Thank you so much Ken for having me here. I’m so excited

Ken:

You're welcome, yes me too. So, let's go ahead and get right into this and talk about body shame and self-discovery.

Isabel:

Is that where we're starting? My favorite subject. Okay, body shame is something that I don't think I'm the only one that experienced it. I say that it's something that is taught to us when we are younger. Whereas the things we do... I think things have shifted a lot with parenting lately, but I think that when we were younger, our parents if they didn’t like things, or if our parents didn't think it was good for us, or if you're not doing something according to their specifications, parents would call you out on it or bring it up. Then there would be this non-acceptance. It almost feels like it's the behavior that has the non-acceptance, but it actually comes across to the child as non-acceptance of them, because as a child we don't know the difference. We think that it's us that are not accepted, right? So, I think that when you start to put on pounds when you're at a young age or you're eating in a certain way. In my family it was related to the way you ate and if you ate too much. So now all of a sudden that behavior is not acceptable and your family's kind of watching you. Now as you continue on your path of nourishment, which is supposed to be the most nourishing years of your life, we start to develop this story that we carry for the rest of our life. I am just going to go back to the child in the book “Eat Your Words.” Because we start to develop our vocabulary that we internalize based on what our parents are saying to us. So now if I were to consciously eat, I'm really going through my own psyche and saying wait, should I have this, or should I not eat this. I mean it starts at an early age. So, it's really actually about seeing ourselves in a certain way. Through the eyes of our parents or guardians or our loved ones, right?

Ken:

I have a bunch of experience with this also. I mean my wife deals with body shame and a number of family members who also deal with it. We actually have a foster daughter and I really have to be careful with the words I use. Because I do not want to put body shame onto her or words into her head. But I want to train her to take care of herself. There are just so many people who suffer from this. What do you think we can do?

What is the best way for folks to connect with you?

Hope can carry us through the tough times when we have them. –Stephen King, Rita Hayworth in Shawshank Redemption said it this way. "Remember that hope is a good thing, Red, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." There was a study done with rats in the 1950’s by Curt Richter, a professor at John Hopkins. The first group of rats were put in glass bowls of water. They swam for a few mins then gave up and drowned. The second group just before they would have given up and drowned were taken out of the water, held for a little while, let them recover and then put back in the water even though they only got picked up once, it made a big difference in their life expectancy. When he put them back in the water instead of minutes they swam for hours and hours.

So, what is the take away? Here is what I want to talk about. When you feel supported by others, when you feel like you have been rescued from time to time when you needed it, or if you believe the future will be a better place. These things will help you through difficult situations.  They will provide hope.

There is this thing called “Vroom’s Expectancy Theory of Motivation.” You might be asking if I can give you the lay version. What this says is that people are motivated by 3 types of situations.

1. We are motivated when we value the reward associated with the action.
   
2. They trust that they will receive the reward if they do a good job.
   
3. They believe that they have the ability to achieve their objectives by working hard.

Hope is alive. It resides in the place where sadness, anguish and devastation bring the sentence of death. Hope looks forward. The future is what brings hope, for what is possible; the past is where we see the negative things that have happened to us. Hope builds and encourages.

Let’s suppose it is Friday and evening is coming on. You have a good idea what you will find when you get home and you are dreading getting there. You know the fight will be outrageous. It will boil over and last the whole evening. The feelings are already welling up as you get into the car. You drive home playing the same tape in your head over and over. You are feeling some frustration, not understood, and deep-seated annoyance. These are emotions and expectations you are familiar with as this argument has been going on and on. By the time you reach home you are nearly sick with the hurt and frustration you are feeling. You walk in the door and things are just as you expected. You feel this heat rise up in a wave that goes up and over your entire body making you hot under the collar as the saying goes. After the wave crashes over you. You get started; the other person is right there to meet you. They are ready to party!

Have you ever had a fight like the one I described above? Maybe you only used some of the weapons here, not all. Pretty sure most of you can relate on some level to this story. When did the fight start? You might say when I entered the house, or maybe not till the yelling and name calling. But let’s look more closely. The fight started long before you walked into the house. In fact, in this case, it started before you got into the car. It started with the expectation that you put together as you contemplated going home. If you doubt me on this, I would love to have you send me a message on the Facebook page on an example of a fight that didn't start as an expectation. They should have known or they should have done it differently. I have had expectations come hours before or right at the moment. But the unmet expectation is when the fight begins. The fight is about getting your expectations met. In this story, on the ride home as you played out the experience over and over again it was part of the fight that you had with yourself. In the argument you have in your head do they ever get solved? Other people are usually more pigheaded in my brain than they are in person.

These are some of the worst things that anyone can do during a fight. We talked about the weapons that can be used in a fight. But weapons mean things will get bloody and someone will get hurt. It should be noted here that abuse in any manner physical, emotional, mental, is never okay for one person to do to another. It is possible to hash things out without weapons. Doing this can create love and acceptance. The #1 thing to leave out of a fight is name calling. That is a hurt that you cannot take away. I would place name calling under abuse. Name calling does include obscenities but obscenities are not the only way to call someone a name. #2 is the silent treatment or cold shoulder. This is where you slammed the door shut. This leaves the conflict unresolved and leaves the other person alone and hurt. This is very damaging to the relationship and the person. Next #3 bringing up past mistakes or unrelated issues to distract and deflect. Bringing up irrelevant past mistakes is counterproductive and puts them on the defensive. #4 Your focus is on being “right” or “winning” instead of focusing on understanding what is going on and what feelings are happening. #5 Many of the things we say in an argument do not even come out of our mouth.

So yesterday was my 29th wedding anniversary. It looks like the number of those who are married for that long is in the 20% range. Now getting to this place was not easy. There have been multiple times my wife and I have discussed divorce. There were times when we hurt each other and times when we felt this isn’t what we signed up for. Over the years we have had fights, communication problems and arguments. We have at times lacked commitment. There has been distance and lack of physical intimacy in our relationship at times. Guess what in the 29 years both Eve and I have found that there are other people on this earth that we are attracted to. None of these things were abnormal for us and maybe not for you. None of these things stopped us from being married! Each time we hit a speed bump and talked about separating and didn’t as we worked on the relationship it deepened and became richer. It took us both to make changes and strengthen our marriage and keep it together for the last 29 years.

To create a healthy relationship there needs to be boundaries. In episode 223 about how we talked about setting up rules on how we wanted to be treated has been part of our relationship. We started setting them up when we were dating and we have renegotiated them as we have changed. But the most important thing is that we are following the rules that we set up.  Boundaries help you and your partner to feel loved and accepted. They tell others what makes it so that you can feel appreciated. Boundaries are for the protection of all involved. They can be set for physical, emotional, sexual, Intellectual, and financial needs. You are qualified to set up borders for each of these types of needs.  Boundaries have helped our relationship extensively. In setting up these boundaries' communication is key. 

Talking about building an amazing relationship. What else besides boundaries are needed? The first thing that must happen is you must accept your partner as they are. There is nothing I want Evelyn to change because of me. She is perfect for me just the way she is. This is one of the things I choose. I choose to accept her and want her the way she is or the way she chooses to be.  It is not that this is always easy, sometimes I have to check my expectations. My unmet expectations destroy whatever part of my life that I have the expectations about. So, I then choose to let go of expectations and accept Evelyn as she is. Accepting her also means loving and supporting her in her ways and beliefs. I am so grateful that she does this for me. Because of her acceptance there is no need of nagging because of her acceptance of who I am.

One of the things we learned at around 11 years of marriage, this was during a difficult point in our marriage, was to express appreciation often. This saved our marriage at this point in time. What it does is help you to see each other's helpfulness. It helps you to assign value to their contribution. They strengthen romantic connections. It makes people happier. Signs that you need to work on helping your partner feel appreciated may be that they don’t share their opinion. They are quieter than they had been. They make plans without consulting you. They appear more distant. These things all show that your marriage is lacking appreciation in one another. You can control only yourself, so choose to act differently. Start to show appreciation for your partner.

Ken: We have Di Snarr on the show today. She Owns a “Touch of Healing” Kinesiology Di and I met on LinkedIn and it was just amazing. I was very moved by her story and I know you will be too. Di was on a podcast called “Just Interesting People” which was an awesome interview. Welcome to the show. What is the toughest thing you have had to overcome in your life?

Di: There were a lot of tough things I had to deal with. I think the top one is abuse, first being abused by others, and then because of that, I would abuse others, just in my interactions with them. Like at school when I was a kid or my siblings, and then I abused myself. The way I was, isolated me, So then I would abuse myself. It was a rough road to learn how to get out of those experiences.

Ken: You said you abused yourself. I mean I think all of us can relate to that.  But how did that look for you?

Di: I was very promiscuous for a few of my teenage years between the age of 14 - 17. Some people would say being promiscuous, that's not a problem. But when you're doing it in a sense that you're trying to continue old abusive habits. That's where the problem is. When you have those experiences when you have any kind of sexual experience. Whether it's by yourself or someone else or you're looking at pornography or anything and anything of a sexual nature. Your body releases hormones and chemicals that connect you to that experience and so it affects you for your life. So for those who experience abuse that way it takes such deep healing. It takes a long time to heal, for some people they may never heal.

Ken: Yeah when you are abused they take your boundaries and they blow him up, right?

Di: Yeah, you're violated, you're damaged, you're never the same. It affects you on every level; spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental and then however many levels each of those contain. So you know if you're a religious person that can help with your spirituality, then for your emotional support you have to see a therapist. Then for physical, you never feel clean. It's so damaging especially when it happens so young, and that's all you know, it's normal.  You eventually learn it hasn't happened to everyone around you and then you see them as clean. Now kids are so intuitive, so when I was in school the kids could sense there was something different. They couldn't put a name to it or understand it unless they had a similar experience. You know they don't know what to call it, but then they could sense the energy coming off of me. They don't know what to do with it, so I was relentlessly teased, I tied up at recess and they would throw rocks at me. It was a vicious cycle from the beginning until I met my husband. When we met I told him everything about my life, cuz I didn't want any secrets. I didn't want anybody to come to him and say “did you know this about her?” or like “this is who she really is.” or whatever. I was upfront with him, and it's not something that he learned growing up, cuz he didn't have an easy time either. But he discovered some things and then taught me that really helped me to come out of that. I was then able to learn what kind of things are acceptable, what’s not acceptable, and how to love myself.

I hope you’ll bear with me this week My podcast may not be as long or maybe not as good. It has been a tough week. You know I work to be truthful with you my friends. It hasn’t been that long since I told you I was having a tough time, but I’m going to tell you that again today. It has been a rough couple of days. I didn’t get much sleep last night. I woke up at 4:30 and was stressed out, my mind moving over and over on things that happened the day before that I couldn’t change or do anything about. I’m betting that some of you have been there. When those times hit what do you do? Last night I tried mindfulness. I tried to focus on my breathing. After 30 mins of working on that, I got up out of bed. My bed is for sleeping if that is not going to happen then I get out. There were quite a few different options when I got out of bed. I don’t know about you but when I woke up like that I was not in the mood to start working. So instead I started watching tv, spent time with one of my favorite shows. Now I don’t need to put a judgment on it it was not a good thing to do, nor a bad one. It did stop the noise in my head. It distracted me from the things I couldn’t get out of my head. How long has it been since your stress has affected your sleep?

So why does this happen? Most adults need between 7 and 9 hours of sleep. I’m in the 8-hour club. There are many reasons you can be suffering from sleeping difficulties, include things like habits, lifestyle, medical conditions, medications, and thought processes. Behaviors that can affect your sleep are too much stimulation before bed. Things such as TV, video games, exercising caffeine, noise disturbances, and light also affect sleep. Some of the other things that affect sleep are physical pain, prescription medications, or frequent urination. Then there are also sleep disorders: Apnea, circadian rhythm, narcolepsy, restless leg. Sleep is also affected by stress, depression, work, and the amount of exercise done. So how is your sleep and what affects it? Why are you getting the sleep you are getting?

What problems can a lack of sleep cause? High blood pressure, diabetes, heart attacks, heart failure, or stroke. Did you know that lack of sleep can lead to premature wrinkling, obesity, and lower sex drive? That’s a good enough reason to get enough sleep right?

Sleep has four stages: that we cycle through. There is REM through Deep sleep. Your body and mind need to process through these uninterrupted or you will probably feel tired or have trouble concentrating. Not getting the right amount or all stages of sleep affects both our physical and mental health in a big way. We need to make sure that we get through all stages of sleep uninterrupted.

What are some things we can do to get better sleep? First off treat getting enough sleep is important. Number 2 and we have talked about this in other episodes but be consistent in what time you get up and go to bed. Then number 3 is put away electronics and at least 30 mins beforehand.

So the Dalai Lama XIV said, “When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” Do you know someone that loves to hear the sound of their own voice? Someone that likes to talk and will tell you everything that they can think of? They want to share with you their viewpoints on every subject. Then there are then others who love to listen. When we listen to understand and not just to reply we can hear others. Maybe you have heard the quote you have two ears and one month. Follow that ratio. Listen more, talk less. Successful people learn by listening.

Ken: We have Carrie Mikell, Carrie is a mother of 3 children ages 6-1 and has been married to the love of her life for over 7 years. She has a bachelor's degree in business with an emphasis in finance from Brigham Young University and has been working in the financial services industry for over ten years now. Previously she focused her attention on high-net-worth retirees but recently decided she finds more joy in helping younger families achieve their dreams. When Carrie isn't working on her business or cleaning up after her three small children, she can often be found in the great outdoors enjoying nature and taking her children on grand adventures. Welcome to the Show Carrie

Carrie: It’s important to say that I’m first and foremost passionate about life’s adventures. I’ve traveled the world, lived and worked in 5 different countries, climbed mountains and repelled down 250ft cliffs to see sights very few people get to see, etc. I wrote my first bucket list when I was 16 and have been checking things off ever since. I’ve only been able to do this because of the personal finance principles I learned early on. As such, I’ve gained an additional passion in helping individuals and young families achieve their dreams, and I do this through sound financial coaching. As someone who is naturally logical and pragmatic, I enjoy the strategizing and quantitative work. I’m also greatly enjoying building my team, specifically focusing on incredibly talented women. I feel that I’m in a unique position to widen the world of financial consulting and make it more inclusive.

Ken: What is the toughest thing you have had to overcome in your life?

Carrie: It's a long mess of a story, but I was essentially homeless during my senior year of high school. Getting myself through school and supporting myself financially -- especially at that age -- was a major struggle, but one that has helped shape me into who I am today.

We also talked about What is the biggest goal you are working on right now?

Many people have fear and secrecy around money. Why is that and how do they get past it?

If there were only three truths that you leave for this world and your posterity, what 3 truths would you leave for them that could lead them to have an amazing life? My knowledge, hopefully a little more peace and understanding, opportunities. We really aren’t a family that focuses on obtaining things but we are big on experiences and we hope that those experiences give our children and others a greater understanding of all the good and beauty there is out there in the world.

Because you are here you have had things happen to you. Maybe you have been deceived or lied to, maybe you had promises given that were not honored. Sometimes those experiences were a single event other times they happened time and again. Maybe they happen over and over again and they are from the same person. If it is a single event, like someone is supposed to call you for a job interview and doesn’t, you move on and go forward with your life. No harm no foul. A single event is less likely to be something you teach others. But if it is happening to you more than just once in a while you may be teaching others that you expect to be treated that way. You train others as to what you will accept and what you will not. The things that you accept will keep happening in the relationship because you gave it the okay.

What does not work in setting up how we want to be treated? Dishing out to others what they have dished up for us, attempting to make them pay, inflicting the pain of our emotion onto them, and trying to one up them. But this will rarely change behavior. How do you respond when being taught a lesson? Treating others this way is counterproductive and unkind. It is something that comes after the action and may or may not be seen as tied to the action. Since these do not work, I do not recommend using these. It will create unhappiness in you and your relationship.

So, what does work? First off teaching by example. We should want others to be treated with dignity and grace just like that is what we should expect. When you model the behavior, you want others are going to want to treat you similarly. If you are late or don’t show up for others, they will most likely treat you the same way. Many might not even do it consciously. But as we show what is important to us others will learn to treat us that way. We also teach through consistency When we speak kindly to others even when they are speaking harshly, we show them our expectations. The whole thing is to teach by example and influence. These are great ways of establishing expectations.

After example and influence the next way to teach others how to treat us is to establish simple and appropriate boundaries. We can institute boundaries in regard with time, consideration, mutual respect and honor. Healthy boundaries smooth the flow of relationships and enable them to deeper connection. They help relationships to flourish. There is only one way to set boundaries and that is by using your voice. You must be clear on your boundaries in order to describe them to others. How long would it take to get to work in the morning if there were no stop lights or road signs. Boundaries do for your relationships what stop lights and road signs to your commute. Be sure to set appropriate boundaries and then clearly explain them.

There are two powerful tools in teaching people how we want to be treated. The first one is to reinforce behaviors that you want. What gets rewarded gets repeated. If the behavior you want is not done no need to make a speech or big deal about it. Just withholding the reward will be enough. So, if someone is late and they apologize then simply accept the apology and forgive them. If they are on time, reward them generously. The next tool is one of my favorites. It is amazing the power of an insightful question. This was made popular by the Greek philosopher Socrates. It is now known as the “Socratic” method. To use this tool, you must ask questions that lead to the discovery of truth.

I’m betting you are normal and you base your thoughts and beliefs on results. If I got the result, I wanted then my goals were successful right? How many of you look at your day to see what you got done? It is probably not about what you worked at but what you accomplished. Let me know if I’m getting warm here. I get stuck here too. In the past I had expected to get a great job and I wanted to do it without working my way up the ladder. Or maybe you want a successful business from day one without first putting forth a little effort. People on social media, or in interviews like to show how success sneaks up on someone; and they become an “overnight” success. That is not how it usually happens. It comes as a result of having a clear personalized plan of action, and then investing the hard work and resources to allow success to come into view. If you have the results that you deem you consider yourself successful then you have put in the correct efforts for that day, right.

Let’s look at success. It operates the same way.  Athletes don’t become superstars overnight. Actors don’t go directly to Broadway. We have gone into many of the examples in past episodes. Most business people try at least 3 or 4 things before finding one that works, and most entry level jobs are little more than a learning process. Do you try more than two things or do you just figure you are not lucky enough or don’t have the contacts to be successful. Do you get stuck on the results and let that determine your effort?

You need to decide what you’re willing to put into the process of bringing success into your life. Remember there are no shortcuts to success. There is no magic button. Not one thing that can be told to us and get to what we want. When looking at things that way we are concentrating on the results. But average people are the ones that concentrate on results. Successful people concentrate on effort. Truthfully the effort that you put in is the only thing that you have control over anyways. If you look at any superstar, they would not be the superstar they are if they had the results from the beginning. There would have been other things that they had learned like focus and a love of work. The reason for this is that there are things that come with the time, effort, and money that we invest.

Maybe you think you can’t afford to invest in your future. What are you willing to give up to bring new successes into your life? The world abhors a vacuum. If you empty things from your life there will be things that rush into fill that void. Some of the big names have recommended investing 3% of your income into success. Many of you have no idea of what that would look like. If you make just $12 an hour which is $1920 a month your investment at 3% would be $58 per month. What if your yearly income is $65,000 a year at that point it should be 5% which would be $270 a month. What if you want to make $150,000 a year well prepare yourself by investing $625 a month to increase your income. What if you want to make 1 million then $4150 is your bench mark. Reach beyond what you think you can afford.  It will accelerate your success!

Ken:

All right today we have Jaclyn Phillips. She is a photographer, she owns an event venue, and she is an author. Her first book “Comfortably Uncomfortable” was just released. Welcome to the show Jacquelyn.

Jacquelyn:

Thanks for having me.

Ken:

You're welcome so let's go ahead and get into this tell me about who you were in the beginning and how you got to this place?

Jacquelyn:

So, prior to where I'm at today I spent a good portion of my years on this planet, keep in mind, I'm not even 40 yet, really just miserable. I took life in a scorched-earth approach. I assume that every interaction was a potential threat. I went about pushing others away and making myself a 1-man band. It's not a way to live. It's painful and it’s a lonely way to live. I had a really rough childhood and so I had developed all of these ways of managing, that weren’t helping or providing me fulfillment. I often felt myself just tired of being the broken toy in the corner. Which I wasn't, it was a really poor mental state to be in. I had invested in myself and I decided that I didn't want to live that life any more. So, I hired a Life coach, a regular therapist, a trauma therapist and I got meds. I started getting exercise. I put all of this effort into finding out who I really was. the happy person that was buried in there, who has been wanting to break out all along but didn't know how. Today I share my story and I do my best to help others.

The effects that Trauma has on you is very real. Sometimes we don’t even know that trauma has occurred. It could be that it has been blocked from memory. It could be that you just don’t understand or have recognized it. So, let’s answer the question: what is trauma? Trauma is an experience that leaves a lasting negative impact on your behaviors, relationships, thoughts, or feelings. They can come from a list that is still incomplete as there are still people around. Trauma can come from experiences, you might be experiencing them if you have had to deal with abuse, death, loss, or betrayal. Just as each of us can have something different cause the trauma but each person can experience it differently. It is not helpful to compare or contrast yourself with anyone around you. It is important for us to recognize what the triggers are. Then how you experience and respond to what has happened to you.

In order to move past a trauma, you must first be out of the situation. You must be safe before any type of healing can happen. Safety means you have a place where you will not be re-traumatized. It also means that you will feel loved and accepted. A “Safe Place” is one free from bias, abuse of any kind, conflict, criticism, or potentially threatening actions, ideas, conversations or violence. You deserve to be safe. You deserve to be in a place that you feel no abuse or violence in. Do you have a safe place to go to leave behind the traumas that you have faced? Do you have a strong and compassionate person that can lead you safely through the experience, and remove the memories from every part of your body?

Another way to overcome PTSD is to get healthy. This means eating and drinking the correct things. It also means movement. I know I sound like a broken record, but movement, sleep, and healthy eating have a huge impact on most every part of your life. Reducing or removing caffeinated and sugary tasting drinks will make a difference that you will mostly likely not expect. Inflammatory foods contribute to feelings of anxiety and restlessness. Reducing sugar can help. Movement creates the right hormones and transmitters in your body to help you feel happier. Getting healthy will put you on the road to happiness.

We have Johnnie Urban with Wonderful Life Learning Company and Sensitive Authentic Speaker. Johnnie helps people power their message, attract clients. She makes a difference by teaching people to convert easily and expand their business.   Welcome to Your amazing Life, Johnnie thanks for being here

Ken: Tell us who you were in the beginning and how you got to where you are now? 

Johnnie: A new highly certified Life Success Coach struggling to grow my business. I was told to network and tell everyone I knew that I could help them. It was exhausting going all over the place for my message to fall on deaf ears. I decided that I needed to learn some public speaking skills and messaging so I would be able to grow my coaching business easier. Going from speaking to one person at a time to many people at once was brilliant. Ten years ago, several coaches asked me to hold a class and teach them what I knew. I never thought I’d still be teaching it today.

Ken: What was the most “uncomfortable” or difficult change you had to make? 

Johnnie: Accepting that my body is different now. It’s never going to go back to the way it was before. I was angry at everyone and anything. It was important that I must forgive my body for what I perceived was letting me down. When in reality it actually gave me a better life.

Ken: Do you have any skills or talents that most people don’t know about?

Johnnie: I am an open book. Yet recently I realized that I love treasure hunting, always have. I can see things other people miss. The one thing I don’t share much with people is that I can actually see and feel people and animal energy. I use this skill when I am working with people to be able to help them at a deeper level.

Did I get your attention with that title? This seemed like a great follow-up to last week's podcasts. Maybe you think that there is no way to find a solution to every problem. Maybe you think not every problem has a solution. But the question was worded carefully. The qualifier “your” makes all the difference in this statement. The simple truth is there is a solution to your every problem. The solution when I put it out there is not one that will excite you. Maybe you won’t even want to admit that is the solution. If once I put this out and you have some resistance to the answer, I hope you will look into that resistance. Find out where the resistance comes from and why you are feeling it? It doesn’t matter if you believe the solution. It is real no matter how much you question it. There is a solution to all of your problems.

We have Rich Cardona. Rich is an amazing Personal Brand and Video Strategist. He is also a podcast host of the “Leadership Locker” and a retired Captain in the Marine Corps; Welcome to the Your Amazing Life show.

It's a long-long road full of switchbacks and uphill climbs as a personal branding and video strategist. It kind of started when I made a very very conscious choice to leave the job, I was in. I was working for Amazon at the time I had spent two years there after the Marine Corps. It’s a pun but I worked at a fulfillment center and it was very unfulfilling. I didn't like it at all, I was able to work hard which appealed to me. But I didn't realize how it was affecting the rest of my life. You know things were getting out of control, I wasn't myself, my family suffered, I suffered. It is just one of those situations in life, where you're just kind of stopped in your tracks and everything around you is telling you that this is just not going to work anymore. It was not where you need to be, this is not how you are going to make a living. So, I quit, my wife gave me permission to quit, I like to say. She supported that decision fully and we all moved in with her parents. We moved from a nice big Texas home into her parents' home in rural Virginia. Then I started exploring things I wanted to do. It sounds ridiculous. I was 38 and I just started exploring what I wanted to do as if I was a teenager. But at the same time, I feel any weight, any pressure because of the support, not to say that I was free-loading or anything like that, but I had every intention of determining what it was and what I wanted to do. Time went on and I had planned on being there like 2 months, it ended up being 6 months. But by doing that I was able to find out exactly what I needed to be doing and that was shining a light on executives, entrepreneurs, and business owners. Many of whom had no video content and I started by simply recording and posting some interviews that I had done with some of my mentors so I could build a following. Then I just realized why aren't these leaders posting on LinkedIn, why aren't they posting here. How many people could benefit from hearing what they have to say and their experience. They are not pitching, they’re not talking about work, not selling anything. They are just talking.

In this episode Rich Cardona talks about who he was in the beginning and how he got to where he is now?

Tell me about the importance of vision and how do people get there?

What was the most “uncomfortable” or difficult change you had to make?

Rich also answers the questions

Do you have any skills or talents that most people don’t know about?

What does it take to have an amazing life?

If there were only three ideas that you leave for this world and your posterity, what 3 ideas would you leave for them that could lead them to have an amazing life?

What is the best way for folks to connect with you?

https://www.linkedin.com/in/richcardona/

I’m betting a few of you also deal with this. For me it gets this way sometimes. I think oh it isn’t working or I can’t do it. Those and a host of other negative thoughts start in on me. They crash through my consciousness through all my waking moments, they overpower my rationale. Right now, this has been affecting me. I have not felt like writing and producing the podcast. Has the podcast changed? Has my ability to write changed? No of course not. There has been nothing that has changed my ability. No, the problem has come from my expectations. I have been dreaming of different experiences. I want more or different outcomes from those that I am receiving. Well, will quitting get me the outcomes I want? No of course not. But how many of you think rationally about things when your expectations aren’t being met? Come on there has to be one or two of you out there that have experienced this.

So why is it that we feel this way? Let’s look into why failure is scary. Well, what are the emotional consequences we have tied to failure? Maybe they are a reflection of our abilities and our self-worth? I mean ME tie my Income into my Self Worth, No way right.? We don’t do that. Remember when we talked about Sarah Blakley in episode 165. I don’t know about you but I have not been celebrating my failure this last week. But how many times can I fail before it is time to quit is the question. If a dream is not materializing at, what point do you decide to give up rather than to keep fighting? Which is harder to keep going or to quit? My life it has always been easier to quit. It doesn’t matter how many hours I have invested. It is difficult to keep going when the investment you make doesn’t equal the outcome you expect.

How do we celebrate the experience whether the expectation is met or not? If we celebrate the experience instead of the win, we can change the influence of our performance. For us stuck in this program we are feeling the performance = worth. Maybe you were told that like I was my expectations are about the performance that I make. I also have expectations about my worth. I hit myself with a double whammy. I have these expectations on both sides of worth and performance. These expectations are what limit my belief and confidence. 

Here again we can change our view. We can change our view of our failures. We can put new meaning to them. Our failures can just be experiences that give us feedback on things that need tweaking. We, like Edison, can say “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Is your current view of failure working for you? Does it get you what you want? If not, maybe you also need to change your view and to adopt Sarah Blakley or Thomas Edison's view of failure. Look at “failure” or life’s “disasters” as another way that doesn’t work so find an alternative path. Those who are successful are able to reframe their “failures.” They move forward and find a different way to get to the goal. If you are driving from New York to California There are many ways that can get you to your destination. If there is a storm and the road you are on is closed and flooded or under construction. You could stop and bemoan the fact that you are stuck or you can turn and drive one way or the other till you get to the next open road. This will get you to your destination. The trip might take more time. It might include quite a bit of changing directions. Maybe you even have to backtrack. But you don’t have to be stopped.

I'm sure you have been there, you know you need help, you want help, but the fear of asking for it is too great. It is easier to just sit there and suffer than to open yourself up and ask for help. It could be a project at work or something in your life. But asking for help is the hardest thing for many of us to do. Maybe you see yourself as someone who helps others. It could be that want others to see you as strong. It could be that you see asking for help as weakness. There are a lot of misconceptions. Maybe you don’t see yourself as worthy of the help that you need or you think you will brother or be a drain on others. I’m sure there are more reasons and whatever yours is, you just set their suffering without asking.

The truth is that humans are a pack or social being. We are designed to work together. We could not survive on our own as we developed as a race. We need help because it may be something too big and heavy for one person; like trying to lift or move a grand piano by yourself. How many of you would even attempt that? Maybe it is just something outside your wheelhouse, something you do not have the skill or talent to do. But trying to accomplish these tough things on your own will lead to feelings of being alone. Even though asking for help may seem difficult it is what will serve and support you. It is what you are hardwired to do. This is how we survived on this planet. You could not kill a lion or bison on your own. It took a team. Nothing great in history has been done without a team. You are not meant to be alone. You are not the only one who suffers. By asking for help others can get the idea that it is okay for them to also ask. It is because of our need to be together, that asking creates a bond.

The most important question I think we can answer today is; How do we ask for help? To start with “We Must Ask” using words. Mind reading is not something that we can rely on. Asking out loud for what we need is very important. The correct way to ask, is just to be honest and tell them that you need help, and what you need help with. It is important to say it with confidence and be straightforward also. Using honesty, confidence and being straightforward gives people a feeling that you can be trusted. It lets them know that you want their help and you think highly of them and their abilities to help you overcome the problem. You might find the person you asked for help has a deeper understanding of the problem than you expected. Maybe they too have dealt with it or something close to it in their life. Asking will help you understand that you are not alone! It will bring you closeness with those that you ask.

Some tools to use before asking someone for help. First know your audience before making the request. Is this a person that will know how to help? Will they have the knowledge and be able to explain to me how to get past the problem? Will they see the need I have? Do they care enough to put in the effort to help me find the answer? Next tool is to formulate the words and questions you want answered before you go and ask. This goes back to the straightforward part. If you stumble around and do not know how to ask the question It will be very difficult for someone to understand the problem and help you find a solution. 

Ken:

We have Christopher Salem, today and I am so excited about this. Christopher is an Executive Coach, Corporate Trainer, Amazing Keynote speaker, Radio show host, and an international best seller award winning writer. Welcome to the Show Christopher! What was it that happened that started this journey for you?

Christopher:

This goes back 22 years ago roughly almost 22 years ago today. I had a life-changing moment that happened between myself and my father. You know prior to that my life was really out of control, my business was up and down. I lived in the effect of the issues I was dealing with. I was constantly in fight or flight mode. I had struggled 12 years from addiction, at the time. I just thought I was just dealt the wrong deck of cards and that's how I felt. I was a victim of life and I didn't really understand how to go about and navigate. I did know I grew up codependently in a dysfunctional home. I just knew my life wasn’t working out. what I knew now all of this is in hindsight I didn't know what was going on other than my life wasn't working out. I was struggling with 12 years of addiction to alcohol, sex, and drugs. As a result of that this life changing event was my father had been diagnosed with cancer and he was given a year-and-a-half to live. He ended up dying 4 months into his diagnosis. I remember the day before he died, I remember him looking over at me but he couldn't talk. His eyes were somewhat open but it was like he was really there. Yet in a way he was, it was just in a different way. It was like him communicating to me. Saying listen I apologize; I wasn't the dad that you were looking for or expected. I did the best I could, I only could give what I knew, and that for some reason hit me in a way that I never imagined.

Ken:

All right we are back with Christopher Salem and we talked about how his journey started and we talked about how meditation and journaling became a big part of his life. Now tell me about your Master Your Inner Critic book and the seven steps to eradicate the root of the problem?

Christopher:

So, Master Your Inner Critic is a book I wrote about five years ago now. Master Your Inner Critic outlines the process of knowing that our inner critic is that internal voice that speaks to us from limiting beliefs. It can convince us that we're not worthy, or not enough, and that we are everything that our limiting beliefs define us to be. Which is completely in an illusion and false. So, resolving the root cause is like with anything else. If you have cancer, you take out the tumor. You have to make sure you get the tumor at the root. You want to get all of the cells from that tumor that may still be there. Because otherwise the cancer can come back. It is the same thing with limited beliefs, you got to get to the root cause to eradicate it. Then use a process to sustain it, this is where the 8 pillars of wellness come in. They allow us to find that work life harmony some people sometimes call it balance. But when you think about it as balance, is there really such a thing as balance in life? No. It is more of harmony. It is a seesaw, teetering.  

Ken:

What is the best way for folks to connect with you?

Christopher:

The whole point of this podcast is to help you build a life that you dream of. I am giving out tips and tricks every day. Today I want to get to some basics. There are four things that are required for you to have in order for you to build the life that you want! So, let's look at them.

The first is Competence. Competence means you have the ability to do something well. In life it is important to be able to perform a task or project effectively. Now some people have competence due to God given talents. Others develop competence through practice and study to develop those skills. It doesn’t matter how you gain the competence. Competence is straightforward and transparent. If you want to become competent at something that is not a talent, you can by study and practice. Now if you choose competencies that build on talents it takes less time and can move you farther ahead.

The second one is Confidence. Confidence in yourself will help you to level up. It is the knowledge that provides a feeling of security. Being confident requires a realistic sense of your capabilities. You need to have confidence that you can handle any emotional outcomes that you may face. The problem is people will first look to our confidence to see if we are capable. Then after a time of watching us they will form their own opinion but it will still be tainted by the belief they saw in us. So having confidence in our abilities is very important to help us feel safe and secure. Confidence is important, when we have it for ourselves others look at us differently.

The third thing is Choice. You need the freedom to act in the thing that you have competence and confidence in. If you are unable to choose to do something you are good at you will not have a great life. There are some things that people are somewhat competent in and they develop confidence around them because of the competence. But at times they are things that have been chosen for them. Maybe they were chosen for them by a spouse or parent, maybe they were chosen for them by circumstances. It doesn’t matter if you are doing something that you are competent and confident in but you didn’t have the freedom to choose. It is likely that you will not be as happy as you would be if you had the ability to choose what you did.

Right now, things have been tough pretty much all over the world. We have had Covid 19, Fires, floods, famine, freezing temps, and now the biggest drought in recorded history for the mountain west. Plus, we have had riots and civil unrest. Some of these have been only in the US but most of them have been world problems. It has been a challenging time for many people the world over. Many people have been mistreated and abused. During this time there are opportunities. “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity” ― Albert Einstein. During this time, you have the chance to make changes and find solutions. That is what comes in these times of conflict and challenge that we all are going through.

There are important things to keep in mind during this time. When times get tuff many people forget what they have overcome. They become sad and or gloomy. They start to believe things will never change. That they will be unable to overcome these problems. Those who take on these feelings often get stuck and are unable to move past the challenge. But keep in mind that challenges and conflict are at the beginning of change.

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Stay positive: “Life is not the way it’s supposed to be, it’s the way it is. The way you cope is what makes the difference.” – Virginia Satir
2. Bad times end: Throughout history, the tough times have ended.
3. Learn from the inopportune times: “Facing difficulties is inevitable, learning from them is optional” – John Maxwell.
4. Picture past difficult situations and realize that even though you didn’t feel like you would ever get past that you did.
5. It is okay to ask for help: There are people in your life who would be anxious to help if only they knew how and when too.
6. Focus on what you can control: You are setting yourself up to be miserable when you focus on things outside of your control.
7. Build up your support group: Like we talked about in episode 202. Positive people will give you a support system that is authentic and helpful.
8. Forgive: Forgiveness is not for the one that caused the pain, it is the way you release the pain from inside of you. 
9. Be kind and take care of yourself. Do things that make you happy. This is a time when a hike or walk in the park can help.
10. Be Grateful: Make a list with everything you can think of that you can be thankful for including the lessons that life has helped you to learn.

So, this post was on my feed. "I have a husband who helps, but that doesn't mean I was 'so lucky to find a man like that.' Yes, I'm lucky to have him. But him being what a father and husband should be is not the main reason. ⁣⁣When I tell others; I'm going away for a weekend to meet up with friends, he's cooking dinner tonight, or he took them grocery shopping without me, or he cleaned up and did the laundry, the people I’m talking to look like I've told them a ghost story. Then comes the, 'Oh my god, you're so lucky! I need to borrow him. I need a man like that.'

The thing is we're a team. I pick up after him, he picks up after me, and we take turns looking after the kids so we both get a break. ⁣⁣Being in a relationship, especially with kids, takes a ton of work, from both sides.⁣⁣ ⁣⁣When he comes home from work, he plays with the kids so I can make dinner. Then I'll play with the kids while he cleans up the kitchen. I make dinners on the weeknights, and he makes breakfast every weekend morning. ⁣⁣We both have each other's backs. We both do our share of 'work' at home and with the kids. That's the way it should be. ⁣I'm not lucky to have him because he does what a father should be doing. I'm lucky to have him because of the person he is. And who I am when I'm with him." Now this is a marvelous post.  And I wanted to break it down and go over it.

Let’s look at the first paragraph. It talks about being lucky but not because of the actions that he makes as a father or husband. Being a father and husband mean different things to different people, in different places and at different times. But let us look at the big picture and see what we can find. Most will agree that a father is responsible for the welfare of his wife and children. This can be for things like a roof over their heads, clothing, shoes, food and education. That is only a small part of what total welfare is.

Tad Stevens impresses me as a marketing strategy guru, He is fantastic at online advertising! He is a SCORE Mentor. He puts his money, where his mouth is with an incredible money back guarantee. He does exceptional high-ticket funnels in 15 days. Help me welcome Tad, it is great to have you with us today.

Ken: So, Tad, everyone wants an amazing life but not everyone gets there, what do you think it takes to get to an amazing life?

Tad: That is an interesting question because just a while back I was trying to answer that in a way that honestly, I could deliver to my audience that made sense and had a catchy acronym. I never got it to the catchy acronym but I came up with “FEAD” That stands for focus, empathy, articulation, and decisiveness. What I've seen in my coaching, my mentoring over the last several years and with me. Is if those four things aren't in alignment, then you generally don't get there. Most of the people that are doing those four aren't thinking about it. They are not consciously thinking, I got to be focused today, they just know. I got to be focused and I got a care about the people that I am selling to so I really understand what their needs are so I can provide that solution. Then I got to be able to articulate it. If I can’t articulate my offer no one will take me up on it because they don’t know what I offer. Then I have to be decisive. I have to make moves right or wrong. I got to move.

Ken: It is so easy to get caught up in what's new and glamorous right I mean there is all over the place.

Tad: Shiny Object syndrome is alive and well.

Ken: So, Tad what skills or talents do you have that most people don't know about?

Tad: I made a lot of mistakes, one of my favorite quotes is and I’ll probably butcher it but it goes something to the effect of: I have no special talents or innate talents, I'm just passionately curious. What I have found in my interviews on my podcast on my show.  Cuz, I ask people a similar question. I found that people that are successful by their definition have passion for what they are doing. It is what gets them out of bed in the morning. It’s not the money, the money is important, but it’s what they are doing. They really like it. In fact, I was talking to a guy yesterday who has a $100,000 coaching program. It takes a year, you sign up, he offers progress payments but it's 100 Grand. That is a niche audience and he was talking to one of his clients and they were asking how much coaching he did online” He said I’m coaching through zoom most of the day, they said “oh man, how can you do that?” The client asked a question which identified that he didn't understand. What the coach was doing and what we were doing would have been work to the client. He didn't know that it was passion and what the coach loves.

Ken: Thanks for all that information, where can our listeners go to find you?

So, Evelyn and I were talking about a friend of ours that has a toxic attitude. My wife (Eve) is a very kind soul and many people come to her with their problems. She likes to be an example, and a leader, and to listen to them and provide feedback when appropriate. Well, this particular person they can’t find anything good out of life, they have nothing to be grateful for, and they are miserable. She has known this friend since high school and they have been in a tough place for years. The whole universe is against them. Eve has stuck by them and tried to be an example. The problem is they are content being miserable. They will not listen to any of the ideas Eve has. They know better and nothing will work for them. I’m sure there are only one or two people like that in the world so you might not know anyone like that (ha-ha.) If people have a toxic attitude what is the next step?

Is there a problem and why would you not want to be around someone like this? If you shut them out you can't be an example, right? Why not just listen to them drone on? It doesn’t hurt you, correct? I used to go crabbing when I lived in Oregon. Crabs are so yummy. But they are also interesting to study. If you put one in a bucket by itself it will climb out most of the time, they are resourceful on their own. But you can fill that same bucket up to almost full and none of the crabs will get out. The reason is that as one crab starts to get out one of the others will grab them and pull them back in. There are so many people that act this same way. They are so concerned with getting out of the bucket overcoming the negatives in their lives they will keep others there with them. Now this is not because they want you to be miserable.

The 5 reasons to be around positive people are:

1. Creates a support system: Positive people not only want to succeed they want you to succeed also. They will want to uplift you. They will lend you and ear, give you a shoulder to cry on. Then instead of commiserating with you they will help you move forward.
2. Positive people are also authentic: They will be there to offer you help and ideas to get you to where you want to be. They will be concerned with your wellbeing and what is important to you will be important to them. These relationships are based off of real love like we talked about last week.
3. Motivation: Being positive provides the desire to move forward. It inspires you to steer clear of drama and downward spirals. It persuades you to make better and healthier decisions. Positive people are imperative to help us navigate towards success.
4. Happiness: Positive people will bring happiness into your life. When surrounded by positive people the good times are easier to see and celebrate. Their happiness is contagious.
5. Influential: Humans tend to absorb the tendencies of those that we spend a lot of time with. When we surround ourselves with positive people, we see things differently. It impacts our souls and creates more opportunity.

If you are tired of suffering from negative people, harassment and being beat up. If you need help discovering tools to move on. Maybe you would love to have a supportive system. So that you can be a positive, happy, person again. If you want to struggle less and to experience motivation to enjoy more. If you want a truly amazing life that is connected and complete, you need the “you have value program” I would love to create who you are capable of.

What is a powerful morning routine and how do you start one? Most of you start your day off alarmed as your phone buzzes next to the bed. You grab the phone, turn off the alarm, get up and throw on some clothes or a robe. You walk into the kitchen, grab some breakfast or coffee and start looking at your feed, email, and maybe the news to see what is going on in the world. Maybe you exercise, or get the kids off to school. Then you jump in the car, turn on some music or walk into the home office. There are a million different ways to start your day. Finding out what serves you best is important. I can’t give you an ideal routine that fits everyone as we are all a little different. But let’s look at some tools to build your amazing day.

Debbie Langley with Experience More Inc, is an Internet Entrepreneur, brilliant social media strategist, Wellness Mentor, Teacher, and Philanthropist.  Thanks for being here today Debbie, welcome.

What makes your life amazing?

I think there are a number of things that make my life amazing. These include a positive outlook; willingness to try new things and to work hard; acceptance that failure is one step closer to my goals; and probably the most important is my faith that God is in the details of my life, He wants me to succeed.

Tell me what accomplishments your most proud of:

Raising my 6 children to be contributing, loving, service-oriented adults. I am extremely proud of my children and their families.

What is the toughest thing you have had to overcome in your life?

Probably my divorce after 32 years of marriage. All I had ever really wanted to be was a good wife and mother. It affected me in so many ways. I thought getting the divorce papers signed would allow me to move forward in my life. Unfortunately, it took almost 6 more years to have everything else finished.

Do you have any skills or talents that most people don’t know about?

When I was a teenager, I started managing one of my dad's garages. Besides being a manager, I was also an auto mechanic.

I am self-taught in many things. I believe in constantly learning.

In 2019, I graduated from college with 3 associate degrees. Two in IT, Business Intelligence and Database Administration and the other in integrated studies.

What does it take to have an amazing life?

It takes courage, bravery, and a can-do attitude. Life is always changing and we never really know what's ahead of us. If we have courage to face our obstacles, bravery to step into the unknown, and the attitude that we can do it, then nothing can stop us.

If there were only three ideas that you leave for this world and your posterity, what 3 ideas would you leave for them that could lead them to have an amazing life?

1. You are a precious child of God. He will always love you and be there with His arms outstretched towards you.

2. Be reconciled with God and His laws and everything else will work out.

3. With God all things are possible. Be strong in your faith. Doubt your doubts, not your faith.

Places to find you:(LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook)

When we were born our natural state was “love” we love ourselves. Then we started to see outside of ourselves and if we were in a secure supportive environment, we felt love for our parents. Then the circle continued with other family members and friends. Now for all of us there was a point that that all changed. The point that caused the pain is different for all of us. Maybe as a young child you were not wanted. Maybe instead of being loved you were the point of someone's power or lust like we talked about in the last episode. So maybe the story you took was that you were unwanted, or unworthy. Maybe it happened later in your teen years. Most of us have picked up a time where we stop loving ourselves. We then start to judge and compare ourselves. We put the needs of others ahead of ours, maybe we created an addiction, started to abuse our bodies, or accept less than we deserve. These are the opposite of self-love. How did we move so far from our natural state of feeling “loved.”? Well, It all starts with our story. At some time, you took an experience you had and assigned a certain meaning to it, that you are unlovable.

How do we reverse that? To start loving yourself the thing to do is to become aware and accept that you are the only one with the power to change that feeling. So often people say “I can’t control what others do. I'm just reacting to them. But the truth is the triggers are yours. You have the ability to move and maybe even remove the buttons that they push. Not everyone reacts the same way to the same stimuli. If others can react differently, you can choose too also. We free ourselves as we learn to control our thoughts and change them to adjust our emotions. How has being a slave to your emotions served you so far? Does it make you feel loved? Of course not. When you truly love yourself, you find the love and strength inside of you to not react to the situation.

One of the things that will lead you towards loving yourself is to contemplate on your own value and worth. As you learn of your true value and worth you will see yourself differently. As someone of value you will not allow that voice in your head to dribble on and on beating yourself up. As being someone of worth you will not put others needs before your own. You would not treat any other person of worth like that but for some reason it has been okay to treat yourself that way in the past.

Now that you have contemplated on your value and worth it is time to show yourself compassion and patience. Just because you have started to see your value doesn’t mean that you will not react in situations nor that you will not slip back and into an addiction. Those triggers will still be found from time to time. That is okay. Now is the time to practice compassion. It is okay to fail. That is a part of the life experience we are having. You do not have to be perfect. Here is a time to be patient.

Just from the title I bet the Beatles song rang through your head. “All You Need is Love, da, da,da,da,daaa” According to Maslow and others there are a few other needs. But love is on the list and pretty high up there! While love may not be the only thing you need without it, life would be bitter and worthless. But John Lennon was on to something when he said “We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others.”