Homeopathic ASMRMar 30, 2022
Uploading the final episode of your joke podcast
Thanks for listening!
Demolishing a building next to a full-blast jet engine during an earthquake near an erupting volcano
SORRY, CAN YOU SAY THAT AGAIN? IT'S A LITTLE LOUD HERE.
Failing to get the hint from the person you're unsuccessfully flirting with
So let me tell you about this podcast I make, it's called homeopathic ASMR. Oh, you don't know what homeopathy is? Or ASMR? I'm sure you will want to know, let me explain...
Farting
Fwwwwwt
Spending all your free time figuring out what activity to do instead of just doing something
TV? Or a video game? Or a book? or...
Watching the latest Marvel movie at home
I'm sure THIS is the one that will actually be good
Waiting in line at the grocery store
Ugh picked the wrong line again.
Contemplating the far flung future
Does any of this matter if none of this will exist trillions of years from now?
House fires that ruin a recording of a podcast episode
The smoke alarms really ruin the ambience of this recording
Thinking of new episode ideas
There are only so many things that produce sound in the world, it's hard to find the next thing that makes noise.
Sitting through yet another tantrum from your toddler
...........sigh..........
Refreshing a page so you can be the first to buy the hot new item
Scalpers are ruining everything; I have to buy five just to recoup the cost of one!
Counting the number of listeners to your niche podcast
I'm gonna need ALL my hands
Folding laundry poorly
Fitted sheets, what the heck do you do with these
Dropping rose petals on a bed
ASMR after dark
Constructing a LEGO bonsai tree
Sometimes you just have to reconnect with your childhood by buying expensive toys, just like your parents used to do.
Practicing piano
Dun dun dun DUNNNNNNN
Cracking eggs to make omelets
You've gotta crack a few eggs if you want to make a hit podcast.
Cleaning up after hosting a party
Beer. Wine. Chips. Hor d'oeuvres. Paper towels. Stains.
Snoring
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Cleaning a mechanical keyboard by taking every key off, polishing it, then placing it back on
I really have to stop snacking at the computer. :/
Walking through freshly fallen snow
Schwunk. Schwunk. Schwunk. Schwunk. Schwunk. Schwunk. Schwunk. Schwunk. Schwunk. Schwunk.
Debating whether to bid on an item on eBay
Should you try to snipe it, or just set it to your max value? How much will it hurt if you lose it?
Failing to get your toddler to eat vegetables
You need your toddler to be fed or they'll meltdown soon, but if they don't eat healthy then you have failed as a parent. What do you do?
Doomscrolling Twitter
It's late, bedtime mode has already made your screen black and white, yet you can't stop.
That gurgling noise the stomach makes when digesting
I ate too much over the holidays, then recorded it.
Ignoring a morning alarm clock
Mgdhd... zzhfmff... meefffplahh...
Chuckling while reading a funny book
Ho ho ho, this person was hypnotized to think he was a chicken...
Singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall
No one has actually sung this all the way through right? Well, wrong, here we go.
Playing charades with strangers
[Hand gestures]
Researching the best microwave to buy on the internet
Did you know that they are all basically the same thing? Wirecutter looked into it and it must be true because they are Wirecutter. I wonder what Consumer Reports has to say. Is this random reddit poster full of it or speaking the truth? Hrm...
Finding a lost wallet at the mall
Best to find the owner and return it to them, maybe they will give you reward money in appreciation.
Missing so many notes in Guitar Hero that the audience boos
The controller is broken and this game is garbage.
Voting for a 3rd party candidate
Vote.
Thinking
It's like "the thinker", the statue, but in podcast form, and much quieter.
Squeezing orange juice by hand
This would be a lot easier if I used a machine.
Unboxing a new iPhone
Don't get too excited, it's only a refurb.
Turning the pages of a book
Fwip. Fwip. Fwip. Fwip. Fwip. Fwip. Fwip. Fwip. Fwip. Fwip. Fwip. Fwip.
Riding an exercise bike a little too hard
I know that I shouldn't have eaten that cheesecake but maybe I can squint and imagine that the little-c calories on the bike actually mean big-C Calories.
Putting on pants
It took a while, these belt loops are really tricky, sorry
Reading a book aloud to a small child
I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them Sam-I-Am.
Shouting at the void
Who hasn't done this from time to time?
Rock concert
It's your favorite band, and you won tickets by being the 53rd caller!
Reticulating splines
I'm not even sure what this means, but someone wanted this, so here.
Sitting around a campfire
The logs were too wet and so it was hard to get them lit, but in the end, it was all worth it
Solving a 5x5 rubik's cube
I'm working on my speed cubing and a podcast at the same time
Computer fan noise under high load
Are you playing a game? Or rendering a video?
Loud snoring
Snoring usually keeps you up, but in homeopathic ASMR land, it will put you to sleep.
Waves
What kind of waves were recorded? Does it even matter?
Eating a pizza
What's a more spine-tingling sensation than eating a pizza? Eating a pizza, recording it, then diluting it to nothing.