No Chill Enneagram
By Richard Clark and Bethany Perk
We can't stop talking about the enneagram, so we made a podcast to get it all out of our system.
Every week, Richard Clark and Bethany Perkins are joined by a fellow fanatic to talk about how bad their obsession has gotten, type people and things, and just generally talk about the enneagram without restraint or chill.
No Chill EnneagramAug 08, 2018
CHRIS HEUERTZ: "THIS EXISTENTIAL RESTLESSNESS IS ME!!"
Look, here's the deal: sometimes we're overcome by a global pandemic. Happens to the best of us. And then you know how it goes. You find yourself trapped in your home for literal MONTHS on end, and in the meantime you realize that everything you thought you knew about humanity and community and social assumptions is wrong.
All of that happens. So who you gonna call? Chris Heuertz, of course! He's the author of just-released The Enneagram of Belonging, and the host of the brand new podcast that was accidentally perfectly timed for the pandemic: Enneagram Mapmakers.
Okay, but what would you talk to Chris about, if you had the chance? Maybe you'd just want him to tell you it's going to be okay, or more importantly, that YOU are okay, right now as you are.
Maybe you want to ask him "Enneathought is out of control, right??" and hear what he has to say.
Or maybe you need him to help you empathize with Captain America. Because it's hard for everyone right now. Even superheroes need a break.
8: I HAVE THE CONFIDENCE OF A MEDIOCRE WHITE MAN!!!!
Let’s be honest, sometimes the enneagram can be so white. Karen González, a writer, speaker, and immigrant advocate tells us why the enneagram seems so dominated by the majority culture, and that leads to a whole wild conversation about nature/nurture/sexism/racism/existentialism just kidding about that last one.
Karen González just does stuff! She was exactly what we need right now.
BUT ALSO: 8’s in stress can be paranoid, secretive, and fearful! It’s a whole thing! Find out more.
OH, AND: What enneathoughts make Karen FURIOUS?
PLUS THIS: We type The Good Place characters! This was inevitable.
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Want more NCE? Find bonus segments, behind the scenes nonsense, and more at our Patreon! www.patreon.com/nochillpodcast
No Chill Coronagram: HOW CAN I HELP!!
We’re all in this together, but in what exactly? Like, what are we all trying to do again? We can’t exactly go hug everyone or help them in any physical way. So WHAT ON EARTH ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO TO HELP!! There are exactly 9 answers to this question. We run down them all with special guest, Jennifer Clark.
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Want more NCE? Find bonus segments, behind the scenes nonsense, and more at our Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/nochillpodcast
COVID-19: WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!! ARE YOU OKAY!?!?!!
We know when we're needed, so we did what it took to record a very timely bonus episode about living with the Corona Virus.
We talk about what each number does when confronted with a worldwide pandemic and touch a little bit on existential dread. FUN!!
1: IF I BUY THIS ORGANIC DAIRY I’M HURTING BABY COWS!!!
We talk about the multi-layered perfectionism of 1s, why she’s always yelling about dishes, and why starting a Kickstarter is just too much man (kickstartnatalie.com!!!)
ALSO:
We run down stage-craft for every number. You’ll NEVER GUESS which number just wants to hide once they’re up there, ok yes you will.
PLUS: Type your baby in the womb! Yes, it’s possible! (no, it’s not, but maybe it is????)
ALSO PLUS: An EXCLUSIVE clip of Natalie’s upcoming single, which is a totally platonic ode to podcast friendship!!
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Want more NCE? Find bonus segments, behind the scenes nonsense, and more at our Patreon! www.patreon.com/nochillpodcast
2: YOUR CRISIS IS NOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY SLEEP!!!!
If you've never heard of a "Fat Activist," you're about to! Amanda Martinez Beck, the author of Lovely and the co-host of the Fat and Faithful podcast, is one of those, and she has a lot of really smart and wise things to say to EVERY SINGLE NUMBER about the lies they believe about their bodies. Yes, even 4s.
We also talk about why 2s are constantly answering personal questions by talking about their family members, how marathons can kill you, and why talking about bodies is so dang awkward in the first place.
ALSO: Bleep you, enneathought. You're a jerk.
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Want more NCE? Go check our Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/nochillpodcast
4: ARIANA GRANDE TRULY UNDERSTANDS ME!!
Sure, Michael Wear may have directed faith outreach for President Obama’s historic 2012 re-election campaign, served in the White House faith-based initiative during President Obama’s first term, and written the acclaimed book "Reclaiming Hope," but probably more important than any of this stuff is that he's a HUGE Ariana Grande fan, and an enneagram 4.
That's why we had him on to geek out on both subjects - we stay away from that politics thing for the most part, and focus on what really matters: "Thank u, next," and why an enneagram 2 could never write a song like that.
FEATURING:
Nixon? Why he's a classic non-resourceful four.
An Ariana Grande Song for every type!
Why 4s wash the dishes so dang much!
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Want more NCE? Go check our Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/nochillpodcast
Find out more about Michael Wear here: http://michaelwear.com/
9: MY WISDOM IS A SNEAK ATTACK!!!!
Maybe you know Beth McCord as Beth McCord, or maybe you know her as YOUR ENNEAGRAM COACH, the one on Instagram gettin’ all up in your brain. This episode, we pick her brain about:
Stress numbers, HOW DO THOSE WORK!!
Enneagram Blind Spots!!
See the Enneagram 9 SNEAK ATTACK in action!!
Let’s say coaches were coaching a team made up of one single number, what is the optimal way they should coach? PRACTICAL!!
ALSO: Beth waltzes onto our podcast and savages Richard, just roasts him completely, you’ll never see him the same way again. He’s burned up and gone now.
For more Beth McCord Brain Dumping, or for the Marriage Story enneagram talk we mentioned in this episode, check out our patreon: https://www.patreon.com/nochillpodcast
WE'RE BACK, AND WE’RE THIRSTY!!!
Look, everyone knows a person cannot survive on bread alone. They also need money to buy that bread. And depending on their type, they also need water, or coffee, or Fruity Sweet Juice (TM).
On this BONUS edition of No Chill Enneagram, Bethany and Richard reunite to discuss the future of No Chill Enneagram and rundown the ideal drink for each type.
Want continued access to these kinds of bonus episodes, AND to support our show and ensure it's ongoing success??? Ratings and reviews are so two-thousand and late. Here's a link to our patreon: https://www.patreon.com/nochillpodcast
FINALE PT 2: WE'RE ALONE WITH ALL OUR DOUBTS AND FEARS!!!
Sometimes, though, we’re not fine. Not in the least. And we want to be honest about that - in a funny way? So for the last half of the finale we dimmed the lights, eschewed the guests, and had some real-talk about our lives, our hopes, our dreams, and the various ways we make ourselves miserable. Also we type like 7 million reviews, because we made a promise.
Bethany will miss helping you guys. Richard will miss being known by you. Both of them will miss making a show with each other. We’re not going to beat around the bush here. Bethany and Richard are sad about this.
BUT - the next season of No Chill Enneagram will be here before you know it, like a budding rose on a bright summer day, which i dunno if that’s a real thing but they are nice words that I strung together.
Anyway. Watch this space. Next season you’ll have a role to play beyond giving us stars so we type you.
In the meantime, take the time to seek out some other podcasts, like: The MillEnneagram for Idiots and Coffee Journey (Typology). We hear it’s ok.
Finale Pt 1: THIS WAS NOT A DUMB IDEA FOR A PODCAST!!
It's the end of the NCE world as we know it, at least for now, and we feel fine. Or at least, we'd like to convince ourselves we do. In reality, we're freaking out a little bit, not the least of which because we still have something like a MILLION reviews to type in one single season finale.
ALSO: we need to catch up with all of our new friends we've made this season! So we spend time talking to our own artist extraordinaire Matt Metcalf, and our podcast frenemies from The Enneacast, Jesse Eubanks and Samantha Stevenson.
OH AND DON'T FORGET: We need to give one more F-U to the enneathought, because come on guys, you're just messing with us aren't you
Augh, and we wanted to have all these deep convos about what we've learned and and and and... ok well we'll just have to save the rest for part two.
We're not ready to let go quite yet, so enjoy part one of an epic sign-off.
9: I HAVE STRONG OPINIONS BUT THEY ARE A SECRET!!
Anyway, Ryan was relieved to find out our show is not very serious, so we cornered him and forced him to rail against the Transformers movies, which he absolutely did not do to an adequate degree.
STILL: There’s a lot of fun stuff in this episode, like a deep conversation about what it’s like to be a successful, artistic, productive nine, and what it feels like to have your songs featured on, like, a billion episodes of Grey’s Anatomy.
ALSO: We know you’re anxious to hear Ryan’s song about 8s, so we gave him a little help and wrote the lyrics for him. He was astounded by our artistic prowess.
Listen to this episode, then go listen to Sleeping At Last some more, then come back and listen to this episode again, then go listen to Sleeping At Last one more time, then listen to your mother on the phone, she misses you, then listen to this podcast again.
8: I'M PISSED, SOMEONE GET ME A PUPPY!!!!
When you have someone as wise as Heuertz, you ask the important questions like "The enneagram is so hot right now, how annoying is that??" and "How can we become enneagram experts, in like the next 5 minutes, and could you get us a certificate or something?"
PLUS: Chris explains why the number we ranked lowest in our first episode (so sorry) gets a bad rap.
AND: We give Chris the opportunity to take over the show. Does he embrace unchecked power? Let's find out together...
YOU WON'T BELIEVE: Chris types reviews with us, and masterfully so. Oh, and he says enneagram slang can happen, so that settles that.
THE 2018 NO CHILL ENNEAWARDS!!!!
So here we are: the inaugural No Chill Enneawards!
This episode, we unveil a new logo, and we bring on the person who created that masterpiece! Our favorite third wheel, Matt Metcalf, joins us to pick apart the nominees for awards like “Best Type 3 of 2018,” “Most Chill,” and “Best Enneagram Twitter Gif Account.”
Give it a listen, and expect to explode with rage and/or frustration at your favorite famous person being slighted for something that never really mattered in the first place!
(especially if you’re very invested in Taylor Swift)
No Chill Enneagram Saves Christmas!!!!
This week, Bethany drops in on the Clark household IN THE FLESH, you know, just for fun, all the way from Portland. They hang out and build snowmen and then record a podcast or two together.
They're joined by Richard's wife, Jennifer, the 6 in the house to discuss the holiday season.
We also read Christmas ennea-grams from our listeners, guaranteed to warm the cockles of your heart, which isn't as gross as it sounds.
Also, yes, we went there: we typed Santa. The answer is definitive.
ANNNNNND: We type Christmas traditions. You'll never guess what a gingerbread house is.
PLUS: The enneagram gift guide!
FINALLY: Need help surviving the season? We've put our heads together to come up with some good ways for each number to survive.
We're going to get through this, together.
7: I'M NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU, I'M JUST BEING NICE!! GOSH!!!
PLUS: Remember back when Bethany and Joy Beth decided 2s should NEVER date 4s? Well two can play at that game. Guess what number 7s should never date????
AND: We do some weird stuff, just to mess with Jonny. Silence, Sports, So on.
BUT FIRST: The Stairwell Saga. Gripping!
6: THE WORLD IS ON FIRE AND I'M JUST TRYING TO KEEP EVERYONE ALIVE!!
PLUS: The news is killing us all. We run down how each number can cope with a brutal news cycle.
AND: Yeah, we did that - we ranked the enneagram numbers again, this time on a scale of most to least trustworthy! This stuff is important, someone's got to do it.
FINALLY: We figured out why 50% of the earth's population are 6s! Tune in to find out!
NO BUT FINALLY FOR REAL NOW: Probably that statistic is totally false, if we had to guess. We think some monk somewhere made it up just to mess with us.
THERE'S A BIBLE TRANSLATION FOR EVERY NUMBER!!
This week, thanks to Lifeway.com, we spend a bonus episode typing bible translations. The NIV! ESV! CSB! NKJV! KJV! All of these are assigned to enneagram types! Just like God intended!
PLUS: Bethany has an extremely awkward neighborly encounter! Richard tells a story about hiding in the bathroom!
Lifeway.com has a bunch of awesome Bible translations and is always running great sales on Bible editions. In fact, at Lifeway.com all CSB Study Bibles are 50% off until October 29th, and all Study Bibles are 36% off through the end of the year! That’s a lot of percents!
You should probably get yourself a Bible to match your type.
7 OR 8: WHY IS EVERYONE INTIMIDATED BY MY FUN-LOVING NATURE?!?!
Barnabas has a dillema. He's not sure if he's an enthusiast or a challenger. Meanwhile all of his friends and family members are like "seriously??" giving each other the side eye with their arms crossed, tapping their feet like sonic the hedgehog, because they all TOTALLY know.
Anyway, we pull the blinders from his eyes and show him the truth. What is it? Tune in to find out.
ALSO: We type denominations!
PLUS: We get to the bottom of the age old No Chill Enneagram question - why is our audience mostly ladies? What's the deal with that? Am i right, BROS?
AND: You know those friends who just HATE the enneagram? We show you how to type them against their will with a list of ways each type rejects the gram.
AND OF COURSE BECAUSE WE HAD TO: We type John Piper, Barnabas' dad, finally and definitively. We officially know him better than he knows himself, probably.
Listen to Barn's podcast, The Happy Rant, and follow him on Twitter: @BarnabasPiper
9&4: MY DOG GOES TO 1 IN STRESS!!
We find out how their insane experiment got its start, how it helps keep them sane in the midst of being barraged by Totally Legit But Still Hurtful Criticism of their work, and of course we talk about dogs.
Oh, and we force them to explain how in the world they got EnneaQueen Susanne Stabille to follow them, AND reply to their tweets and can they put in a good word for us please etc??
ALSO A SPECIAL SERVICE: We tell each number what kind of dog they need.
FINALLY: The best internet gifs, TYPED! It’s the thing you didn’t know you wanted, but it exists now and you do want it, it turns out.
Follow the Enneadog Twitter account at @enneadog (duh).
5: IT TAKES MONTHS OF RESEARCH TO DECIDE ON SOME DANG EARRINGS!!!!
Shannon is a 5, so we force her to hand over the reigns of her life to us, so we can make some decisions for her that she's been putting off.
BUT DID YOU KNOW: that Shannon is a crime documentary buff? We put her expertise to good use and recommend a crime documentary for Every Number! Even 6s, but that's just a thought exercise because 6s SHOULD NEVER WATCH A CRIME DOCUMENTARY OK.
ALSO: We determine how every number would get away with doing crimes. SO DARK!
There's so much more, but we don't want to pressure you. Think long and hard about whether it's a good idea to press play.
Take your time.
We'll wait.
WE NEED SOME INTEGRATION TIME!!
AND: That's it.
ALSO: Bye.
PLUS: The end.
0, 2, 6, 5: MY FAMILY REFUSES TO GET ON MY ENNEAGRAM LEVEL!!!!
(jk her dad hates what the enneagram has done to his family, but he still hate-listens to our podcast EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. What the heck dad??)
Step right up and take a listen for: A DOG. A TODDLER. A MOM. A BROTHER’S TELLING ABSENCE. A WIFE. A FATHER WITH A RADIO VOICE.
SO MANY SEGMENTS: How bad has it gotten! Safety tips for every number! Life advice from an ACTUAL professional!
3w2: MY BABY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT MY ACHIEVEMENTS!!!!
Laura Turner (my mom pronounces it "Laura Turnah", probably) to the show to talk about why 3s don't get "performance anxiety" and how motherhood can be a giant enneagram 3 buzzkill.
(Don't worry, she's very happy and loves her baby, chill ok)
AND WHOAH THIS TOO: We're all going to die, in 1 of 9 ways. What way will YOU die? We tell every number the answer to that overly broad and morbid question.
ALSO: The moment you've all been waiting for unless you haven't - we type Harry Potter characters!
AND ALSO FEATURING: Richard's favorite enneagram slang yet. Bethany will learn to love it.
Follow Laura on twitter, where she is pretty good at tweeting: @lkoturner
4&9: COLLABORATION WITH A FOUR IS WAY TOO INTENSE!!
This week, the hosts of the Enneacast, Jesse Eubanks and Sam Stevenson join Richard and Bethany in theory to commiserate about how crazy collaboration between numbers can be. In reality, they help out with a little co-collaborator counseling. Bethany and Richard are doing much better now, thanks.
PLUS: How many of the Enneacast's "Ten Rules for the Enneagram" have Bethany and Richard broken? The answer will not shock you!
AND AND AND: Circles with stuff in them are related to the occult, every time. We discuss what that means for clocks, and people wearing pants with buttons. It's trouble, I tell ya.
4: MY FRIENDS HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY FEELS!!
AND: In a feel-good segment, we consider which childhood wound we might give our children!!
FURTHERMORE: We type The Office Characters!
Alia's EXTREMELY FOUR book is available here: www.amazon.com/dp/0801093341/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_awdb_t1_x_A1-CBbY5ZKHWE
IN ADDITION TO: We offer parenting advice for literally every number ever devised by enneagram scribes!
PROGRAMMING NOTE: Dear enneafam, we will not have an episode for you next week, because Richard is going to the beach, but check the Instagram (@NoChillEnneagram) for pictures of Richard having fun without you.
NO ONE SHOULD TYPE MR ROGERS! WE'RE DOING IT ANYWAY!!
If you’ve seen the documentary, you’ll be right at home here, but even if you haven’t you probably know and love Mr. Rogers, and if not, YOU MONSTER PLEASE DON’T LISTEN TO OUR PODCAST.
ALSO: That’s it. That’s all we did. Except the part where Danielle gives us an update on the feedback she received for ranking the enneagram numbers. Danielle, we can't believe you did that, what a terrible idea, gosh.
PLUS: Nothing else. Sorry. See you next week!
BTW: the song in the background in the middle of the show is called Turbo Giant by someone called Wankers United, which is of course just hilarious to us.
3: YOU WANT ME TO SHARE MY FAILURES WITH EVERYONE??!!
2: I CRAVE INTIMACY AND I HAVE NO HUSBAND!!
1: MY INNER CRITIC WON'T LET ME MAKE FRIENDS!!
Also, we rank the enneagram numbers from best to worst. You're not supposed to do that, but come on. Someone needs to, and an Enneagram 1 is the only number on the gram who can do so objectively.
PLUS: typing evangelical nostalgia, trouble making friends as a 1, and self-care ideas for every number.
Check out Mayfield's podcast, Prophetic Imagination Station: soundcloud.com/propheticimaginationstation
0: WHAT IS THIS SHOW AND WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!
What sort of madness leads two relative strangers to start a podcast together and talk about the enneagram with relentless passion and sincerity with their favorite people as guests?
Tune in to find out. (Hint: it's Enneagram Madness)
Richard’s Interview with Ian and Suzanne on “The Calling”: www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2016/october-web-only/what-does-enneagram-have-to-offer-christians.html
Bethany’s episode of “Fun Sexy Bible Time” where she talks about the Enneagram: soundcloud.com/funsexybibletime/perk-city-attempts-to-enneagram-matthewep-62