Queen City Poly
By Coach Kay & Brian O'Neil
Queen City Poly is a podcast dedicated to connecting real people with real solutions for their relationship goals. Focused on communication, consent, and autonomy, we discuss polyamory and ethical non-monogamy as well as broader topics concerning open relationships of all structures and configurations (polyamorous and otherwise). We also call on monogamous friends and special guests to share their views on love, sex, family, psychology, sociology, and other tangents that spark our curious minds. Based in Queen City (Charlotte, North Carolina).
Ep. 45 - Biphobia within Polyamory
On episode 45, Brian O'Neil and Coach Kay discuss polyamorous folx who have sexual orientation "preferences" for their partners, gender "preferences" for their potential metas, and the bi-phobia and bi-erasure that happens even within so-called, open-minded polyamorous communities. Tune in to listen to us get real about this nonsense.
October 02, 2019
Ep. 44 - One Night Stands
Brian O'Neil & Coach Kay discuss the general consensus among the polyamorous community (ha!) about one-night stands. They answer questions such as: Would you be upset if your partner had one and told you about it afterwards? Do you expect to be able to have one without any drama from your partner(s)? What even qualifies as a one night stand? Have you ever had one? Can you enjoy casual sex and/or one night stands within polyamorous relationships?
September 18, 2019
Ep. 43 - Hierarchy
On episode 43, Coach Kay and Brian O'Neil discuss prescriptive versus descriptive hierarchy, relationship anarchy, and a special form of hierarchy, SNEAKARCHY.
September 11, 2019
Ep. 42 - Nesting Partners
In episode 42, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kay talk nesting partnerships and the assumptions that come having or not having partners who you cohabitate with.
September 04, 2019
Ep. 41 - PDA and Polyamory
You arrive to a bar and see your polyam partner in an embrace with a stranger. Their arms around this person's neck. This person's arms around your polyam partner’s waist. Just a couple of inches between their faces. Clearly they are in a flirtatious moment. The question is, is this acceptable because you are polyamorous? Check out Episode 41 - PDA and Polyamory to hear @iamcoachkay and @iambrianoneil discuss the nuances of flirting, showing affection, and dating when you have other partners that may have feelings seeing you doing any of these things in front of them. #polyamorous #charlotte #podcast #polyamory #nonmonogamy #communication #flirting #unconventionalrelationships #healthyrelationships #selfdevelopment #ethicalnonmonogamy #relationships #relationshipstatus #health #dating #loveislove #queencitypoly
August 14, 2019
Ep. 40 - Communicating Non-Consent
In episode 40, Brian O'Neil talks openly about being touched non-consensually following a recent standup gig after he talked about his polyamorous relationship style on stage. We sat down to talk about this experience as well as his experience sharing his story on Facebook. Women are not immune to being the aggressor and perpetrator of sexual assault. Explicit, enthusiastic consent should be sought after throughout every interaction by the initiator of any and all sexual advances. But when that doesn’t happen, what can we do to communicate we do not consent in a way that feels comfortable in the moment? #polyamorous #charlotte #podcast #consent #metoo #malesexualassault #standup #comedy #polyamory #nonmonogamy #communication #unconventionalrelationships #healthyrelationships #ethicalnonmonogamy #relationships #relationshipstatus #dating #loveislove #queencitypoly
August 07, 2019
Ep. 39 - New is No Excuse
In episode 39 of Queen City Poly, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kay discuss examples of “seasoned” polyamorous people accommodating newly polyamorous partners with rules and agreements that threaten their own autonomy and do not serve their or their new partners needs.
July 31, 2019
Ep. 38 - Polyamory Or My Marriage
In Episode 38, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kay talk about Brian's internet friend who is exploring the idea of polyamory but does not know how to get through to her husband, who is not having any of it. But before they dive into responding to that difficult situation, they discuss the popular mantra, Growth Happens Outside Your Comfort Zone.
July 24, 2019
Ep. 37 - The Law of Fuck Yes or No
In Episode 37, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kay discuss Mark Manson’s blog article titled, Fuck Yes or No. The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them. Check out Mar Manson’s blog for the full article and then tune into this week’s episode.
July 18, 2019
Ep. 36 - Communication Preferences and Compatibility
In Episode 36, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kay talk about how communications preferences impact compatibility, including: requiring daily communication, feelings regarding small talk, preferred communication modes (face-to-face, text, phone), needs for intellectually stimulating conversations, sense of humor, passive versus direct communicators, and people who are either “too talkative” or “too quiet.” How does a partner’s communication style and/or their communication preferences factor into y’alls compatibility? Let us know!
July 10, 2019
Ep. 35 - A 'Throuple' Joins the Red Table
The unconventional path is windy one. Polyamory is a valid relationship style that is more than just having multiple sex partners. Monogamy is a valid option but not the only way to go. You can craft your own non-monogamous relationships and create the life you want, one step at a time. You may get lost, but the journey is more important than the destination.On episode 35 of Queen City Poly, Brian O’Neil & Coach Kay talk about Red Table Talk’s recent episode on unconventional relationships. Did you get a chance to catch that RTT episode? What did you love or hate about it? Listen in to what we loved about this episode of RTT and what we thought of the conversation.Watch the Red Table Talk episode: ‘Unconventional Relationships: Can Multiple Partners Work?’ on Facebook Watch.
July 03, 2019
Ep. 34 - The Insatiable Woman
June 27, 2019
Ep. 33 - Red Table Talk talks Infidelity with Esther Perel, and we LOVED it.
On episode 33 of Queen City Poly, Brian O’Neil & Coach Kay talk about the latest episode of Red Table Talk with Esther Perel. Watch the episode yourself on Facebook Watch and then listen in to what we loved about this episode and what we thought of the conversation.
June 20, 2019
Ep. 32 - The Honeymoon Phase or Normal Behavior?
A viral tweet from late last year that continues to recirculate states, “The honeymoon phase doesn’t exist when you fall for someone who is dedicated to making you feel loved and admired the ENTIRE time you’re theirs. Stop normalizing the loss of affection in relationships, that is a choice, not a phase.” Check out episode 32 of Queen City Poly and listen in as we discuss this problematic pseudo advice for people seeking loving relationships. Find out what we think this quote gets right and what it gets wrong. What do you think? Does the honeymoon phase exist? Do we normalize the loss of affection in relationships?
June 12, 2019
Ep. 31 - 17 Reasons Why I Want More Polyamorous Representation
There are many reasons why we need more (and better) polyamorous representation. In episode 31, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kay discuss 17 of them! Do you have any to add? What do you think of the list so far?
June 05, 2019
Ep. 30 - I Just Don’t Want You to Get Hurt.
It’s hard to stay out of the way and watch a person you love navigate the perilous dating scene, making decisions differently than you would. It can be tempting to offer up all kinds of unsolicited advice and encouragement. You may believe you are just trying to protect them with helpful suggestions or suggesting new rules of engagement. In episode 30 of Queen City Poly, Coach Kay and Brian O'Neil discuss a scenario where a husband’s input on his wife’s dating life sets a dangerous tone towards codependency and inadvertent couple’s privilege, and how he might approach his feelings a different way.
May 29, 2019
Ep. 29 - Polyamorous, but not actively dating…
In episode 29, Coach Kaey and Brian O’Neil discuss how one manages their ethically non-monogamous identities while balancing all of their other goals and struggles of everyday life. When you are not actively dating (and have less than two partners) do you feel less polyamorous? Where does dating rank on your list of priorities?
March 13, 2019
Ep. 28 - Alzheimer’s and Non-Monogamy
In episode 28 of Queen City Poly, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey share some news about finger guns in the Charlotte comedy scene as well as Brian’s latest attempt at talking to a pretty lady. Then the duo discuss the recent controversy about B. Smith and Dan Gasby’s marriage. B. Smith and Dan Gasby have been public about their struggles following B’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis in 2013 and have even co-authored a book, titled, ‘Before I Forget: Love, Hope, Help, and Acceptance in Our Fight Against Alzheimer's’. Dan’s latest declaration of happiness in his new relationship with Alex Lerner is sparking quite a heated debate from those who do not condone any sort of non-monogamous relations, Alzheimer’s or no Alzheimer’s. Read more about the controversial Twitter and Facebook backlash on Blavity.
February 13, 2019
Ep. 27 - Middle Ground
Is it possible to love more than one person? What roles do jealousy and attraction play in relationships? What makes a relationship work? Jubilee Media brought polyamorous and monogamous people together to discuss their beliefs on love in season two, episode five of their show, Middle Ground. In episode 27 of Queen City Poly, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey talk about their experience watching the episode and discuss the conversations and topics in the video.
February 06, 2019
Ep. 26 - Incompatible Love
January 30, 2019
Ep. 25 - Nothing Serious
Coach Kaey has been swiping right and now she has a question for Brian O’Neil. What exactly does, ‘I’m looking for casual, nothing serious’ mean?
January 23, 2019
Ep. 24 - What Was This Episode About?
In episode 24, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey ramble with their coffee about sexual orientation, bi and pan erasure, same sex attraction, sexual confidence and compatibility, porn, consent, gender norms, religious education in the south, marriage, children, and how Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey differ about their stance on dogs. We will not promise a coherent episode this time around, we are off on tangents, and we hope you enjoy the ride.
January 16, 2019
Ep. 23 - New Year, New Goals
January 02, 2019
Ep. 22 - Flirting While Poly(am!)
December 19, 2018
Ep. 21 - Berlin & Back!
August 15, 2018
Ep. 20 - Boy Bye
August 01, 2018
Ep. 19 - You're Poly?
In this episode, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey answer a listener question on how to handle a polyamorous-identified person that doesn’t seem to want their partner dating others. It’s a common myth that polyamorous people are more enlightened than monogamous people. We dispel those myths while Brian processes his own relationship woes.
July 25, 2018
Ep. 18 - Who Pays?
In episode 18, Coach Kaey and Brian discuss how they have managed money in previous relationships. Polyamorous or not, money and relationships intermingle, but a taboo exists when it comes to talking about it. This week on Queen City Poly, Brian O'Neil and Coach Kaey answer questions like: Who pays for the first date? In a relationship, who buys the condoms? If you buy a woman a drink, what should you expect?
July 18, 2018
Ep. 17 - Brian's Poly Anniversary
In episode 17, Coach Kaey asks Brian to reflect on his two year anniversary of ethical non-monogamy. How have his views on love, relationships, sexuality, women, dependency, and more changed since he began his journey.
July 11, 2018
Ep. 16 - Meeting Metamours
In episode 16, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey discuss the awkwardness of meeting your metamours. What's a metamour? A metamour is your partner’s partner. The duo tackles expectations when meeting a metamour and communicating your boundaries inside this type of relationship.
July 04, 2018
Ep. 15 - When Enough is Enough
In episode 15, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey discuss when enough is enough in relationships. We all have our different reasons for leaving and for staying, but knowing our own boundaries and those of our partners is extremely helpful. Our diversity in values and personal experiences shape our decisions regarding when we stick it out and when we tell people to go kick rocks.
June 27, 2018
Ep. 14 - New Relationship Energy (NRE)
In episode 14 of Queen City Poly, Brian O'Neil & Coach Kaey discuss New Relationship Energy (NRE), the strong, almost giddy feeling of excitement and infatuation common in the beginning of a new romantic relationship, which can lasts anywhere from a few months to several years. We’ve all felt this before, it’s what romantic comedies are made of. What is the biological chemistry that happens when we fall in love? Is love a drug? Brian O'Neil & Coach Kaey talk about their own experiences with NRE and give advice and tips for riding the waves of NRE into relationships without wreaking havoc on your other relationships or your life.
June 20, 2018
Ep. 13 - Catching Feelings
Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey celebrate a new chapter that is both exciting and terrifying. Brian O’Neil is still obsessed with where Lee surrendered to Grant during the Civil War and Coach Kaey still does not care. In episode 13 of Queen City Poly, Brian O’Neil and Coach Kaey dissect the dark romantic comedy Catching Feelings, written, directed, and staring Kagiso Lediga, which follows an urbane young academic and his beautiful wife (played by Pearl Thusi), as their lives get turned upside down when a celebrated and hedonistic older writer (played by Andrew Buckkland) moves into their Johannesburg home with them.
June 13, 2018
Ep. 12 - Mental Health & Polyamory
On episode 12 of Queen City Poly, Brian O'Neil and Coach Kaey discuss the importance of good self care when managing mental health illnesses and crisis within polyamory. How does having multiple relationships change your mental health care routines?
June 06, 2018
Ep. 11 - Ethics & Values
In episode 11, Brian O'Neil and Coach Kaey discuss their own ethics within their polyamorous relationships and potential deal breakers when it comes to potential partners. Check out episode 11 to find out why @iambrianoneil is comfortable dating a republican and @coachkaey is okay with dating an ex-con!
May 22, 2018
Ep. 10 - Input or Control?
How much input does/do your partner(s) have on your other relationships? As much as you let them…
May 02, 2018
Ep. 9 - WTF is Micro-Cheating?
In episode 9 of Queen City Poly, Brian O'Neil and Coach Kaey discuss the term "micro cheating." What does it mean? Is it a thing? Should you care? What are the implications of policing any and all of your partner's opposite sex interactions?
April 16, 2018
Ep. 8 - The Boy Is Mine
In this Valentine's Day inspired episode, Brian O'Neil & Coach Kaey invite you to travel back to the 90s and early 2000s and explore monogamous themes in some of their favorite throwback jams. We hope you enjoy! Comment and let us know what songs we forgot and what songs you want us to review next :)
February 20, 2018
Ep. 7 - Infidelity
Brian O’Neil & Coach Kaey discuss infidelity and go off on relationship tangents like a the Gemini Sun/Gemini Moon pair that they are. To know more - listen to the episode!
February 06, 2018
Ep. 6 - Challenging the Patriarchy
Brian O'Neil & Coach Kay discuss feminism and patriarchy and how men can help women/help with stigma associated with sexually liberated identities. Brian O'Neil reads Rudy Francisco's Poem ,“Altar,” and have a conversation about how men can talk to men about what women want in a constructive way. Hint: Honesty is key. Later in the episode, they answer a listener question, "How do you stay out of your metamour's way?"
January 23, 2018
Ep. 5 - Coming Out
In episode 5, Brian O'Neil and Coach Kay discuss the process of coming out as polyamorous and how it differs from the coming out process of LGBTQ folks. Do you need to come out? Will anyone poison your cereal? Find out the answers to these questions and more when you check out episode 5 of Queen City Poly.
January 20, 2018
Ep. 4 - Impermanence & Polyamory
In episode 4, Brian O'Neil & Coach Kay discuss Buddhism, the concept of impermanence, and how that reality of life relates to relationships whether monogamous or polyamorous.
January 20, 2018
Ep. 3 - Poly Love, a Documentary - A Review
Brian O'Neil & Coach Kay review Poly Love, an 2016 documentary by Michelle Flores. Be warned, there are spoilers in this episode, so if you want to see the documentary first, watch it now on Amazon Prime.
January 02, 2018
Ep. 2 - Seeking Community
Why is leaving a track of broken hearts is especially problematic in polyamorous dynamics? Multiple relationships is not an easy road of settling down into bliss. It takes constant communication and checking in. But for those of us that want an ethical, non-monogamous life filled with love, it's worth it. We dish out our strategies for finding online poly community and what we've found helpful and not helpful. Brian discusses the high need for counselors who are poly-friendly and why he feels confident that moving his career in this direction will provide benefit to the poly community. Then we touch on other communities that may have a slightly higher poly-population that you can also seek out. What about finding partners? In Episode 2, we touch on how we date, when we tell potential partners about our polyamorous lifestyle, our best tips on first dates, and how the different dynamics of how "out" we are how affect how we date. Do you call Charlotte home? Check out the Charlotte Poly Network (CPN) on Meetup for Queen City poly people.
December 25, 2017
Ep. 1 - Welcome to Queen City Poly
Coach Kay & Brian O'Neil introduce themselves and kick off the first episode of Queen City Poly. In this episode, Coach Kay & Brian O'Neil discuss their polyamory origin stories and a bit about who they are and where they come from. They also discuss Spike Lee's new Netflix series She's Gotta Have It and the ways in which polyamory is brought up across the sexes in relationships. In a heterosexual dynamic, who typically brings up non-monogamy? What's the deal with homophobia and sexual jealousy within monogamous relationships and cross-sex friendships? Is opening the door for a member of the same sex a southern taboo or a more general patriarchal taboo and what the hell is up with that? The vibe is intended to be conversational and chill. We hope you feel like you are with us in the living room, just talking relationships.
December 22, 2017